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Just a short piece of descriptive writing I have to do for some GCSE English practice. Will be interested to hear your opinions - constructive criticism welcome :)
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There are only a few people in the park today, so the orchestral whistling of the birds can be easily heard from most areas. It is interrupted only briefly now and then by the passing of a car or a shout from the play-park.
The multi-coloured climbing frame has been sectioned off with a bright yellow and black tape, which two children are quickly ducking under and out again, moving further towards the forbidden structure each time. Their mothers are talking animatedly on a nearby bench, taking little notice.
A teenager glides gracefully down the smooth pathway, past the “no cycling” sign. His are feet still and his hands are off the handlebars. Placing his hands back down on the bike, he cuts across the uneven grass surface as he stands up and cycles onto the road.
Rested against the trunk of the enormous tree lies a middle aged man, asleep in the shade. The park lies around the strong and dominating oak, which pinpoints its exact centre. A book faces down onto the man’s chest, and his rimmed hat has been pulled down purposefully over his eyes. A frayed, motionless rope swing is held by one of the oak’s immense limbs.
Rolling across the vast green is an empty plastic bottle, pushed by the cool breeze and drawn by earth's will. It slows to a halt next to a rectangular bin, whose bold gold lettering have worn over time. Lifting it into the air with a two-pin pinch fork, a smiling man in a fluorescent yellow jacket takes it and throws it in the bin.
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There are only a few people in the park today, so the orchestral whistling of the birds can be easily heard from most areas. It is interrupted only briefly now and then by the passing of a car or a shout from the play-park.
The multi-coloured climbing frame has been sectioned off with a bright yellow and black tape, which two children are quickly ducking under and out again, moving further towards the forbidden structure each time. Their mothers are talking animatedly on a nearby bench, taking little notice.
A teenager glides gracefully down the smooth pathway, past the “no cycling” sign. His are feet still and his hands are off the handlebars. Placing his hands back down on the bike, he cuts across the uneven grass surface as he stands up and cycles onto the road.
Rested against the trunk of the enormous tree lies a middle aged man, asleep in the shade. The park lies around the strong and dominating oak, which pinpoints its exact centre. A book faces down onto the man’s chest, and his rimmed hat has been pulled down purposefully over his eyes. A frayed, motionless rope swing is held by one of the oak’s immense limbs.
Rolling across the vast green is an empty plastic bottle, pushed by the cool breeze and drawn by earth's will. It slows to a halt next to a rectangular bin, whose bold gold lettering have worn over time. Lifting it into the air with a two-pin pinch fork, a smiling man in a fluorescent yellow jacket takes it and throws it in the bin.
Thanks FFF.
I agree with you - I've always found this style to be somewhat mechanical, but apparently just describing "snapshots" like this is the best way to go.
We've been told to completely avoid any story or overview, and just keep it to simple description.
I agree with you - I've always found this style to be somewhat mechanical, but apparently just describing "snapshots" like this is the best way to go.
We've been told to completely avoid any story or overview, and just keep it to simple description.
It derives from the word biscuit, it's cool though ain't it.
Hehe, what is with this word, 'Shiznit'?
Hehe.
Hehe.
It was a good, solid piece of descriptive shiznit.
But a bit "this is happening, and this, and this." I know it's just practise, but you'd need something to happen that links all the descriptions together.
Me likes.
Write some more stuff.
But a bit "this is happening, and this, and this." I know it's just practise, but you'd need something to happen that links all the descriptions together.
Me likes.
Write some more stuff.
Anyone? No?
Nobody can give me any pointers? C'mon... it's not perfect...
Just a short piece of descriptive writing I have to do for some GCSE English practice. Will be interested to hear your opinions - constructive criticism welcome :)
----------
There are only a few people in the park today, so the orchestral whistling of the birds can be easily heard from most areas. It is interrupted only briefly now and then by the passing of a car or a shout from the play-park.
The multi-coloured climbing frame has been sectioned off with a bright yellow and black tape, which two children are quickly ducking under and out again, moving further towards the forbidden structure each time. Their mothers are talking animatedly on a nearby bench, taking little notice.
A teenager glides gracefully down the smooth pathway, past the “no cycling” sign. His are feet still and his hands are off the handlebars. Placing his hands back down on the bike, he cuts across the uneven grass surface as he stands up and cycles onto the road.
Rested against the trunk of the enormous tree lies a middle aged man, asleep in the shade. The park lies around the strong and dominating oak, which pinpoints its exact centre. A book faces down onto the man’s chest, and his rimmed hat has been pulled down purposefully over his eyes. A frayed, motionless rope swing is held by one of the oak’s immense limbs.
Rolling across the vast green is an empty plastic bottle, pushed by the cool breeze and drawn by earth's will. It slows to a halt next to a rectangular bin, whose bold gold lettering have worn over time. Lifting it into the air with a two-pin pinch fork, a smiling man in a fluorescent yellow jacket takes it and throws it in the bin.
----------
There are only a few people in the park today, so the orchestral whistling of the birds can be easily heard from most areas. It is interrupted only briefly now and then by the passing of a car or a shout from the play-park.
The multi-coloured climbing frame has been sectioned off with a bright yellow and black tape, which two children are quickly ducking under and out again, moving further towards the forbidden structure each time. Their mothers are talking animatedly on a nearby bench, taking little notice.
A teenager glides gracefully down the smooth pathway, past the “no cycling” sign. His are feet still and his hands are off the handlebars. Placing his hands back down on the bike, he cuts across the uneven grass surface as he stands up and cycles onto the road.
Rested against the trunk of the enormous tree lies a middle aged man, asleep in the shade. The park lies around the strong and dominating oak, which pinpoints its exact centre. A book faces down onto the man’s chest, and his rimmed hat has been pulled down purposefully over his eyes. A frayed, motionless rope swing is held by one of the oak’s immense limbs.
Rolling across the vast green is an empty plastic bottle, pushed by the cool breeze and drawn by earth's will. It slows to a halt next to a rectangular bin, whose bold gold lettering have worn over time. Lifting it into the air with a two-pin pinch fork, a smiling man in a fluorescent yellow jacket takes it and throws it in the bin.