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The Parcel
BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! “It’s 8:00am folks and it’s time to get your lazy butts out of bed!” Robert opened his eyes, turned off his alarm clock and got out of bed. He went into the bathroom and did all of his normal morning rituals. He was ready for work at 8:40am and thought to himself ‘last day at work and then finally I will be able to relax and have some free time on my hands, for a bit anyway until I finally become the new boss.’ He stepped outside and he tripped over something. He turned around to see what it was and it was a parcel wrapped in glossy black wrapping paper addressed to him. Robert did not have time to open it then as he had to get to work, so he picked it up and put it into the boot of his new, shiny BMW car, along with his briefcase, and then got into his car and drove off to work.
Robert arrived at work just on time at 9:00am and went into his office with the parcel, plonked it down next to his desk and got on with his work. Every so often he would glance at the parcel and wonder what it was. He finally got to find out when it was his tea break at 10:30am. He sipped some of his tea out of his ‘Rob is Ace!’ mug and then picked up the parcel. He neatly unwrapped the shiny black paper as he never liked to rip wrapping paper. He did this successfully and found that it was some sort of box with a handle. He finished of drinking his tea whilst he carried on to wonder what his present was. He decided the only way to find out was to wind it up, but he could not do this straight away as his tea break was over and he had to get back to work.
Robert put back his present where it had been sat all morning, next to his desk. He hardly got through any work as he always looked up and stared at the parcel and wondered what it was and also who it was from as all the tag said on the parcel was ‘To Robert’ nothing else. Dinner time finally came at 12:25pm, but he had still not done hardly any work. In his chair he rolled straight over to his present, he picked it up and started to wind it up as he did so it played a ‘Pop goes the Weasel’ tune and thought it may be a ‘Jack in the Box.’ Then out it popped and hit him straight in the face. He rubbed his cheek where it had hit him, looked down and found and saw that it was a pair of huge red plastic lips, with a thin line of black as a bit of lipstick probably, on a spring coming out of the box, and he gave a little chuckle. He just thought that it was someone playing a joke on him as he had just split up with his girlfriend.
Robert decided to make it funnier by doing it on his best friend, Dean, who also worked where he did. He also thought that Dean might not do it as he may have been the one that sent him it as he had been taking the micky out of him ever since his girlfriend had dumped because her mum wanted her to, or so she said. He left his office, carrying his present which he had put back together so it looked like it did when he first got it, and went to Dean’s office as they both were assistant managers because their work place need two as it was quite big. When he got there Dean looked a little surprised as Robert only came to see him on Wednesdays when he had an extended lunch hour (well lunch hour and a half) and it was Friday. “Hey Dean just came to show you this present I got from an unknown person, thought I’d show you.” He handed the present over to Dean who said “Hi there, so that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t like the idea of it just been done on me.” Robert gulped and said “Now you’re just scaring me, you are joking me right?” “Wrong” said Dean and continued to say “You better watch your back all the time because anybody at any time could just get you.” Robert looked petrified and left Dean’s office to get back to his own and looked every where just to make sure as it could be any one his ‘future killer.’
Robert locked the box away in his bottom draw, sat down and did not move for the rest of the working day; apart from just to glance around every so often to see if anybody was coming that may kill him. 5:30pm (half an hour after every body else as he had to stay back half an hour longer as he was an assistant manager) finally came so he could now go home and be warm and more safe(er). He picked up his briefcase and started to leave, but was stopped when someone opened the door and said “Robert,” which made Robert jump out of his skin and dropped his briefcase but then was calmed down when the person said “It’s alright, it’s only me Robert, just came to see how you were.” It was Dean and Robert answered “I. . . I’m fine.” He bent down to pick up his briefcase and when he looked up he saw Dean with an angry face pointing a gun at him.
“What’s the meaning of all this?” asked Robert, pushing the security button briskly. “Well it all started when you were promoted to manager of the company instead of me as we were the two candidates,” replied Dean “I was the better hard working out of the two of us, but you just got all the credit for most of it and when you were appointed new manager after Jimmy left, all I ever heard was you bragging to everybody about it, it made me sick. After I have killed you, no-one will know who it is; it’ll be a mystery to the police as I know what I am doing.” Robert replied to this by saying “Oh yes they will as I have just called for security and soon the police will be here so if you kill me you’ll pay.” Dean looked a little shocked and Robert continued to build up confidence. Then Dean just grinned and said “Good bye!” BANG! BANG! Robert still stood as he blocked the shot from Dean with his briefcase and Dean laid dead on the floor from a shot from the security guard behind him. Robert was a bit shook up but still managed to say “I always knew this briefcase would come in handy, only used it to carry my sandwiches in and lucky I didn’t eat them today.”
------------------------------------------------------------
It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I could improve my writing skills.
Thanks for reading,
Chris.
BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! “It’s 8:00am folks and it’s time to get your lazy butts out of bed!” Robert opened his eyes, turned off his alarm clock and got out of bed. He went into the bathroom and did all of his normal morning rituals. He was ready for work at 8:40am and thought to himself ‘last day at work and then finally I will be able to relax and have some free time on my hands, for a bit anyway until I finally become the new boss.’ He stepped outside and he tripped over something. He turned around to see what it was and it was a parcel wrapped in glossy black wrapping paper addressed to him. Robert did not have time to open it then as he had to get to work, so he picked it up and put it into the boot of his new, shiny BMW car, along with his briefcase, and then got into his car and drove off to work.
Robert arrived at work just on time at 9:00am and went into his office with the parcel, plonked it down next to his desk and got on with his work. Every so often he would glance at the parcel and wonder what it was. He finally got to find out when it was his tea break at 10:30am. He sipped some of his tea out of his ‘Rob is Ace!’ mug and then picked up the parcel. He neatly unwrapped the shiny black paper as he never liked to rip wrapping paper. He did this successfully and found that it was some sort of box with a handle. He finished of drinking his tea whilst he carried on to wonder what his present was. He decided the only way to find out was to wind it up, but he could not do this straight away as his tea break was over and he had to get back to work.
Robert put back his present where it had been sat all morning, next to his desk. He hardly got through any work as he always looked up and stared at the parcel and wondered what it was and also who it was from as all the tag said on the parcel was ‘To Robert’ nothing else. Dinner time finally came at 12:25pm, but he had still not done hardly any work. In his chair he rolled straight over to his present, he picked it up and started to wind it up as he did so it played a ‘Pop goes the Weasel’ tune and thought it may be a ‘Jack in the Box.’ Then out it popped and hit him straight in the face. He rubbed his cheek where it had hit him, looked down and found and saw that it was a pair of huge red plastic lips, with a thin line of black as a bit of lipstick probably, on a spring coming out of the box, and he gave a little chuckle. He just thought that it was someone playing a joke on him as he had just split up with his girlfriend.
Robert decided to make it funnier by doing it on his best friend, Dean, who also worked where he did. He also thought that Dean might not do it as he may have been the one that sent him it as he had been taking the micky out of him ever since his girlfriend had dumped because her mum wanted her to, or so she said. He left his office, carrying his present which he had put back together so it looked like it did when he first got it, and went to Dean’s office as they both were assistant managers because their work place need two as it was quite big. When he got there Dean looked a little surprised as Robert only came to see him on Wednesdays when he had an extended lunch hour (well lunch hour and a half) and it was Friday. “Hey Dean just came to show you this present I got from an unknown person, thought I’d show you.” He handed the present over to Dean who said “Hi there, so that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t like the idea of it just been done on me.” Robert gulped and said “Now you’re just scaring me, you are joking me right?” “Wrong” said Dean and continued to say “You better watch your back all the time because anybody at any time could just get you.” Robert looked petrified and left Dean’s office to get back to his own and looked every where just to make sure as it could be any one his ‘future killer.’
Robert locked the box away in his bottom draw, sat down and did not move for the rest of the working day; apart from just to glance around every so often to see if anybody was coming that may kill him. 5:30pm (half an hour after every body else as he had to stay back half an hour longer as he was an assistant manager) finally came so he could now go home and be warm and more safe(er). He picked up his briefcase and started to leave, but was stopped when someone opened the door and said “Robert,” which made Robert jump out of his skin and dropped his briefcase but then was calmed down when the person said “It’s alright, it’s only me Robert, just came to see how you were.” It was Dean and Robert answered “I. . . I’m fine.” He bent down to pick up his briefcase and when he looked up he saw Dean with an angry face pointing a gun at him.
“What’s the meaning of all this?” asked Robert, pushing the security button briskly. “Well it all started when you were promoted to manager of the company instead of me as we were the two candidates,” replied Dean “I was the better hard working out of the two of us, but you just got all the credit for most of it and when you were appointed new manager after Jimmy left, all I ever heard was you bragging to everybody about it, it made me sick. After I have killed you, no-one will know who it is; it’ll be a mystery to the police as I know what I am doing.” Robert replied to this by saying “Oh yes they will as I have just called for security and soon the police will be here so if you kill me you’ll pay.” Dean looked a little shocked and Robert continued to build up confidence. Then Dean just grinned and said “Good bye!” BANG! BANG! Robert still stood as he blocked the shot from Dean with his briefcase and Dean laid dead on the floor from a shot from the security guard behind him. Robert was a bit shook up but still managed to say “I always knew this briefcase would come in handy, only used it to carry my sandwiches in and lucky I didn’t eat them today.”
------------------------------------------------------------
It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I could improve my writing skills.
Thanks for reading,
Chris.
<< <> >> wrote:
> It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I
> could improve my writing skills.
Get a book which tells you. Or try Google.
> It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I
> could improve my writing skills.
Get a book which tells you. Or try Google.
Even it it is just for your homework you should put a little thought and effort into it.
FFF has already covered lots of things wrong with it so I'll just ask you if you actually 'read' this back to yourself after you wrote it. If you did, did you enjoy the story? How does it compare to what you normally read? It's as good a way as any to decide if a story is any cop.
Sorry to be so brutal but that was very bland and pointless to read and I pity your English teacher.
FFF has already covered lots of things wrong with it so I'll just ask you if you actually 'read' this back to yourself after you wrote it. If you did, did you enjoy the story? How does it compare to what you normally read? It's as good a way as any to decide if a story is any cop.
Sorry to be so brutal but that was very bland and pointless to read and I pity your English teacher.
Oh bloody hell. I started off with the name Dean and some how I got the name Jake in to my hea and typed it a few times and I though I'd changed them all. :(
And to FFF I didn't put too much thoughts in and that because it was supposed to be a short story for English homework and it was supposed to be 700 - 800 words and it is already over 1000.
And to FFF I didn't put too much thoughts in and that because it was supposed to be a short story for English homework and it was supposed to be 700 - 800 words and it is already over 1000.
I liked it, it was like LSD. lots of things happened for no reason and then it suddenly ended.
<< <> >> wrote:
> He handed the present over to Jake who said “Hi there, so
> that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it
> up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did
> to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and
> examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke
> and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the
> expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said
> “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t
> like the idea of it just been done on me.”
This doesn't make sense, who the hell is Jake?
> He handed the present over to Jake who said “Hi there, so
> that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it
> up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did
> to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and
> examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke
> and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the
> expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said
> “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t
> like the idea of it just been done on me.”
This doesn't make sense, who the hell is Jake?
Well ...
*How about some description. Or some thoughts / feeling of the people. It was very 'he did this, this happened, so he did this, then that happened." Which is boring.
*No-one cared that the office has 2 assistant managers, or that he had an extended lunch on Wednesdays - boring, pointless details.
*In the same vein, exact times are needless and quite annoying
*It made little sense.
*He blocked a bullet with his briefcase? The security guard had a gun?
*The dialogue was painful. And seeing 'the kiss of death' on a pair of spring-up lips isn't going to scare anyone.
*No explaination of who sent the box / why Dean went crazy.
*Surely Robert should be dead too, seeing as he got kissed as well.
*How about some description. Or some thoughts / feeling of the people. It was very 'he did this, this happened, so he did this, then that happened." Which is boring.
*No-one cared that the office has 2 assistant managers, or that he had an extended lunch on Wednesdays - boring, pointless details.
*In the same vein, exact times are needless and quite annoying
*It made little sense.
*He blocked a bullet with his briefcase? The security guard had a gun?
*The dialogue was painful. And seeing 'the kiss of death' on a pair of spring-up lips isn't going to scare anyone.
*No explaination of who sent the box / why Dean went crazy.
*Surely Robert should be dead too, seeing as he got kissed as well.
The Parcel
BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! “It’s 8:00am folks and it’s time to get your lazy butts out of bed!” Robert opened his eyes, turned off his alarm clock and got out of bed. He went into the bathroom and did all of his normal morning rituals. He was ready for work at 8:40am and thought to himself ‘last day at work and then finally I will be able to relax and have some free time on my hands, for a bit anyway until I finally become the new boss.’ He stepped outside and he tripped over something. He turned around to see what it was and it was a parcel wrapped in glossy black wrapping paper addressed to him. Robert did not have time to open it then as he had to get to work, so he picked it up and put it into the boot of his new, shiny BMW car, along with his briefcase, and then got into his car and drove off to work.
Robert arrived at work just on time at 9:00am and went into his office with the parcel, plonked it down next to his desk and got on with his work. Every so often he would glance at the parcel and wonder what it was. He finally got to find out when it was his tea break at 10:30am. He sipped some of his tea out of his ‘Rob is Ace!’ mug and then picked up the parcel. He neatly unwrapped the shiny black paper as he never liked to rip wrapping paper. He did this successfully and found that it was some sort of box with a handle. He finished of drinking his tea whilst he carried on to wonder what his present was. He decided the only way to find out was to wind it up, but he could not do this straight away as his tea break was over and he had to get back to work.
Robert put back his present where it had been sat all morning, next to his desk. He hardly got through any work as he always looked up and stared at the parcel and wondered what it was and also who it was from as all the tag said on the parcel was ‘To Robert’ nothing else. Dinner time finally came at 12:25pm, but he had still not done hardly any work. In his chair he rolled straight over to his present, he picked it up and started to wind it up as he did so it played a ‘Pop goes the Weasel’ tune and thought it may be a ‘Jack in the Box.’ Then out it popped and hit him straight in the face. He rubbed his cheek where it had hit him, looked down and found and saw that it was a pair of huge red plastic lips, with a thin line of black as a bit of lipstick probably, on a spring coming out of the box, and he gave a little chuckle. He just thought that it was someone playing a joke on him as he had just split up with his girlfriend.
Robert decided to make it funnier by doing it on his best friend, Dean, who also worked where he did. He also thought that Dean might not do it as he may have been the one that sent him it as he had been taking the micky out of him ever since his girlfriend had dumped because her mum wanted her to, or so she said. He left his office, carrying his present which he had put back together so it looked like it did when he first got it, and went to Dean’s office as they both were assistant managers because their work place need two as it was quite big. When he got there Dean looked a little surprised as Robert only came to see him on Wednesdays when he had an extended lunch hour (well lunch hour and a half) and it was Friday. “Hey Dean just came to show you this present I got from an unknown person, thought I’d show you.” He handed the present over to Dean who said “Hi there, so that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t like the idea of it just been done on me.” Robert gulped and said “Now you’re just scaring me, you are joking me right?” “Wrong” said Dean and continued to say “You better watch your back all the time because anybody at any time could just get you.” Robert looked petrified and left Dean’s office to get back to his own and looked every where just to make sure as it could be any one his ‘future killer.’
Robert locked the box away in his bottom draw, sat down and did not move for the rest of the working day; apart from just to glance around every so often to see if anybody was coming that may kill him. 5:30pm (half an hour after every body else as he had to stay back half an hour longer as he was an assistant manager) finally came so he could now go home and be warm and more safe(er). He picked up his briefcase and started to leave, but was stopped when someone opened the door and said “Robert,” which made Robert jump out of his skin and dropped his briefcase but then was calmed down when the person said “It’s alright, it’s only me Robert, just came to see how you were.” It was Dean and Robert answered “I. . . I’m fine.” He bent down to pick up his briefcase and when he looked up he saw Dean with an angry face pointing a gun at him.
“What’s the meaning of all this?” asked Robert, pushing the security button briskly. “Well it all started when you were promoted to manager of the company instead of me as we were the two candidates,” replied Dean “I was the better hard working out of the two of us, but you just got all the credit for most of it and when you were appointed new manager after Jimmy left, all I ever heard was you bragging to everybody about it, it made me sick. After I have killed you, no-one will know who it is; it’ll be a mystery to the police as I know what I am doing.” Robert replied to this by saying “Oh yes they will as I have just called for security and soon the police will be here so if you kill me you’ll pay.” Dean looked a little shocked and Robert continued to build up confidence. Then Dean just grinned and said “Good bye!” BANG! BANG! Robert still stood as he blocked the shot from Dean with his briefcase and Dean laid dead on the floor from a shot from the security guard behind him. Robert was a bit shook up but still managed to say “I always knew this briefcase would come in handy, only used it to carry my sandwiches in and lucky I didn’t eat them today.”
------------------------------------------------------------
It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I could improve my writing skills.
Thanks for reading,
Chris.
BEEP BEEP! BEEP BEEP! “It’s 8:00am folks and it’s time to get your lazy butts out of bed!” Robert opened his eyes, turned off his alarm clock and got out of bed. He went into the bathroom and did all of his normal morning rituals. He was ready for work at 8:40am and thought to himself ‘last day at work and then finally I will be able to relax and have some free time on my hands, for a bit anyway until I finally become the new boss.’ He stepped outside and he tripped over something. He turned around to see what it was and it was a parcel wrapped in glossy black wrapping paper addressed to him. Robert did not have time to open it then as he had to get to work, so he picked it up and put it into the boot of his new, shiny BMW car, along with his briefcase, and then got into his car and drove off to work.
Robert arrived at work just on time at 9:00am and went into his office with the parcel, plonked it down next to his desk and got on with his work. Every so often he would glance at the parcel and wonder what it was. He finally got to find out when it was his tea break at 10:30am. He sipped some of his tea out of his ‘Rob is Ace!’ mug and then picked up the parcel. He neatly unwrapped the shiny black paper as he never liked to rip wrapping paper. He did this successfully and found that it was some sort of box with a handle. He finished of drinking his tea whilst he carried on to wonder what his present was. He decided the only way to find out was to wind it up, but he could not do this straight away as his tea break was over and he had to get back to work.
Robert put back his present where it had been sat all morning, next to his desk. He hardly got through any work as he always looked up and stared at the parcel and wondered what it was and also who it was from as all the tag said on the parcel was ‘To Robert’ nothing else. Dinner time finally came at 12:25pm, but he had still not done hardly any work. In his chair he rolled straight over to his present, he picked it up and started to wind it up as he did so it played a ‘Pop goes the Weasel’ tune and thought it may be a ‘Jack in the Box.’ Then out it popped and hit him straight in the face. He rubbed his cheek where it had hit him, looked down and found and saw that it was a pair of huge red plastic lips, with a thin line of black as a bit of lipstick probably, on a spring coming out of the box, and he gave a little chuckle. He just thought that it was someone playing a joke on him as he had just split up with his girlfriend.
Robert decided to make it funnier by doing it on his best friend, Dean, who also worked where he did. He also thought that Dean might not do it as he may have been the one that sent him it as he had been taking the micky out of him ever since his girlfriend had dumped because her mum wanted her to, or so she said. He left his office, carrying his present which he had put back together so it looked like it did when he first got it, and went to Dean’s office as they both were assistant managers because their work place need two as it was quite big. When he got there Dean looked a little surprised as Robert only came to see him on Wednesdays when he had an extended lunch hour (well lunch hour and a half) and it was Friday. “Hey Dean just came to show you this present I got from an unknown person, thought I’d show you.” He handed the present over to Dean who said “Hi there, so that’s what you came to see me today for. What is it?” “Just wind it up” said Robert. Dean did this and the same happened to him as it did to Robert, who was laughing his head off. Jake was not impressed and examined the present whilst Robert said “What’s up? It’s only a joke and I thought it might have been from you, but I see by the expression on your face it isn’t.” Dean looked up at him and said “This isn’t a joke, this pair of lips is a kiss of death and I don’t like the idea of it just been done on me.” Robert gulped and said “Now you’re just scaring me, you are joking me right?” “Wrong” said Dean and continued to say “You better watch your back all the time because anybody at any time could just get you.” Robert looked petrified and left Dean’s office to get back to his own and looked every where just to make sure as it could be any one his ‘future killer.’
Robert locked the box away in his bottom draw, sat down and did not move for the rest of the working day; apart from just to glance around every so often to see if anybody was coming that may kill him. 5:30pm (half an hour after every body else as he had to stay back half an hour longer as he was an assistant manager) finally came so he could now go home and be warm and more safe(er). He picked up his briefcase and started to leave, but was stopped when someone opened the door and said “Robert,” which made Robert jump out of his skin and dropped his briefcase but then was calmed down when the person said “It’s alright, it’s only me Robert, just came to see how you were.” It was Dean and Robert answered “I. . . I’m fine.” He bent down to pick up his briefcase and when he looked up he saw Dean with an angry face pointing a gun at him.
“What’s the meaning of all this?” asked Robert, pushing the security button briskly. “Well it all started when you were promoted to manager of the company instead of me as we were the two candidates,” replied Dean “I was the better hard working out of the two of us, but you just got all the credit for most of it and when you were appointed new manager after Jimmy left, all I ever heard was you bragging to everybody about it, it made me sick. After I have killed you, no-one will know who it is; it’ll be a mystery to the police as I know what I am doing.” Robert replied to this by saying “Oh yes they will as I have just called for security and soon the police will be here so if you kill me you’ll pay.” Dean looked a little shocked and Robert continued to build up confidence. Then Dean just grinned and said “Good bye!” BANG! BANG! Robert still stood as he blocked the shot from Dean with his briefcase and Dean laid dead on the floor from a shot from the security guard behind him. Robert was a bit shook up but still managed to say “I always knew this briefcase would come in handy, only used it to carry my sandwiches in and lucky I didn’t eat them today.”
------------------------------------------------------------
It is my first story posted on here so could you please tell me how I could improve my writing skills.
Thanks for reading,
Chris.