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Condensation trickled down the icy glass, the window that stood in between the rampant winter and comfy surroundings of the classroom. The branches of the leafless trees swung as the brutal force of the wind took control. They never gave up; they stood soaring, as the wind hammered them with its amazing strength. The silence broke in an instant with the sound of a ringing bell, signalling me to stroll on in this dreaded world. I turned and glanced at the bold trees once more, which made me think that regardless of their endless battle for life, at least their purpose was there, and for all to be seen.
I walked down the hallway only somewhat alert of what was going on around me. I was utterly oblivious to everyone else, hustling and busting their way towards their destinations. As my journey began, I started to go through the possibilities of what awaited me. At the back of my mind was the evident fact that I hadn’t a place to go that wasn’t overflowing with remorse, pain and misery. I neared the outskirts of the town I once adored; looking back I recalled fond memories triggered by images stored in my conscience. I still knew it wasn’t a mistake leaving however, I still knew I’d outstayed my welcome.
As I trudged onwards I closed in on an opening where a field was, and a stream flowed in around parts of the gorgeous scenery. The surroundings also gave way to an abandoned, decaying mill, which looked almost prehistoric when in amongst the nurtured landscape. I didn’t want to enter the mill I knew that. The heavens opened though, and emptied a gushing river onto my exhausted and fatigued body. The downpour flow over me, drenching my clothes and soaking me from head to toe with its murky liquid. I didn’t care anymore; I just headed straight into the old mill.
Maybe it was shock or maybe I was just weaker than I led myself to believe, but the mill was simply petrifying. Every step I took on one of its worn, elderly stairs made the structure shriek. I climbed to the second floor and was so suddenly horrified I just curled up in a ball. It had just dawned upon me the significance of what had happened in this truly dire day. I felt paralysed; I just laid there a shivering wreck on the floor, mindless and devastated. Insecurity shrouded me like a blanket. I wanted to cry, but the tears evaded my pale cheeks, held back by the numbness, the harsh, shrieking numbness that flowed though my veins chilling my blood.
A manikin's existence seemed comparable to mine. The thoughts and feelings that had impregnated themselves into my skull haunted me could never be erased. I could not think about, let alone analyse, anything beyond my own tormented feelings of sheer pain, anguish, and above all anger. At times the anger was quashed by guilt, yet this sense of guilt burned deep inside fuelling the fire of the anger once more. Anger that the tender, loving hands I once knew had gone, and would never return to my skin ever again. I couldn’t bare to even contemplate what my future held for me, I didn’t care anymore.
Rising to my feet, and breaking out of the sadistic paralysed state I assumed that I was in, I conjured up thoughts of how people ended their lives and why. The reason I held felt one of colossal importance, and reason enough to want to end me. My life was totally transformed. I was propelled out of a secure, warm, safe and caring environment, into a world that seemed like a cold, bleak, lonesome existence. This place was miles from what I had become accustomed to.
As a teenager you invent mysterious coping strategies to evade the inevitable truth. My master was denial, and my master led me to deciding to drown myself in the river just outside the mill. I sped back out into the surroundings, almost collapsing down the stairs on my way. I drew my last breath and then plunged my head beneath the nearby water. I had gone the same way as my mother now, I was dead just like her.
I walked down the hallway only somewhat alert of what was going on around me. I was utterly oblivious to everyone else, hustling and busting their way towards their destinations. As my journey began, I started to go through the possibilities of what awaited me. At the back of my mind was the evident fact that I hadn’t a place to go that wasn’t overflowing with remorse, pain and misery. I neared the outskirts of the town I once adored; looking back I recalled fond memories triggered by images stored in my conscience. I still knew it wasn’t a mistake leaving however, I still knew I’d outstayed my welcome.
As I trudged onwards I closed in on an opening where a field was, and a stream flowed in around parts of the gorgeous scenery. The surroundings also gave way to an abandoned, decaying mill, which looked almost prehistoric when in amongst the nurtured landscape. I didn’t want to enter the mill I knew that. The heavens opened though, and emptied a gushing river onto my exhausted and fatigued body. The downpour flow over me, drenching my clothes and soaking me from head to toe with its murky liquid. I didn’t care anymore; I just headed straight into the old mill.
Maybe it was shock or maybe I was just weaker than I led myself to believe, but the mill was simply petrifying. Every step I took on one of its worn, elderly stairs made the structure shriek. I climbed to the second floor and was so suddenly horrified I just curled up in a ball. It had just dawned upon me the significance of what had happened in this truly dire day. I felt paralysed; I just laid there a shivering wreck on the floor, mindless and devastated. Insecurity shrouded me like a blanket. I wanted to cry, but the tears evaded my pale cheeks, held back by the numbness, the harsh, shrieking numbness that flowed though my veins chilling my blood.
A manikin's existence seemed comparable to mine. The thoughts and feelings that had impregnated themselves into my skull haunted me could never be erased. I could not think about, let alone analyse, anything beyond my own tormented feelings of sheer pain, anguish, and above all anger. At times the anger was quashed by guilt, yet this sense of guilt burned deep inside fuelling the fire of the anger once more. Anger that the tender, loving hands I once knew had gone, and would never return to my skin ever again. I couldn’t bare to even contemplate what my future held for me, I didn’t care anymore.
Rising to my feet, and breaking out of the sadistic paralysed state I assumed that I was in, I conjured up thoughts of how people ended their lives and why. The reason I held felt one of colossal importance, and reason enough to want to end me. My life was totally transformed. I was propelled out of a secure, warm, safe and caring environment, into a world that seemed like a cold, bleak, lonesome existence. This place was miles from what I had become accustomed to.
As a teenager you invent mysterious coping strategies to evade the inevitable truth. My master was denial, and my master led me to deciding to drown myself in the river just outside the mill. I sped back out into the surroundings, almost collapsing down the stairs on my way. I drew my last breath and then plunged my head beneath the nearby water. I had gone the same way as my mother now, I was dead just like her.
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Well written, but there are a few grammatical errors and clumsy sentences that could propably have been picked up upon if you had more time to work upon it - given that this is just for a short story comp on an internet forum though, I wouldn't get hung up on these!
The whole story, and reason for the suicide is lacking something - I felt it would have been more effective if there was a slow but definite descent into madness of the character?
The whole story, and reason for the suicide is lacking something - I felt it would have been more effective if there was a slow but definite descent into madness of the character?
I liked that, especially for a first effort.
The switch from present tense to past tense at the end was a bit jarring. I personally wouldn't have introduced the mother earlier or made any further explanations about it. However:
"I would go the same way as my mother, I would drown just like her."
would have kept it in the same tense and ended the story with the same punch.
Pleased to hear you'll be doing another.
The switch from present tense to past tense at the end was a bit jarring. I personally wouldn't have introduced the mother earlier or made any further explanations about it. However:
"I would go the same way as my mother, I would drown just like her."
would have kept it in the same tense and ended the story with the same punch.
Pleased to hear you'll be doing another.
Paradox: wrote:
> It would work much better in the first person I think.
Damn, I thought this was written in the first person. Quick favour please and explain to me what that means. Thanks.
> It would work much better in the first person I think.
Damn, I thought this was written in the first person. Quick favour please and explain to me what that means. Thanks.
OK, I was hoping the mystery surrounding the dilemma would provide more drama, but I will take you ideas on board as you evidnetly know what you're talking about, thanks for the feedback.
What I think you could do is add more depth by introducing the protaganists mother earlier and explaining how she died (presumably at the mill) and build up some emotions as he approaches the building. Then afterwards when he decides to drown himself you don't need to explain thats how his mother died and it allows for a more powerful and snappy ending.
Brilliant :-)
FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> I liked that - nice work.
> Especially good as its your first short story attempt - I hope you
> write some more stuff.
Oh, and I will be, this Short Story malarky really isn't as boring as I expected it to be. : )
> I liked that - nice work.
> Especially good as its your first short story attempt - I hope you
> write some more stuff.
Oh, and I will be, this Short Story malarky really isn't as boring as I expected it to be. : )
Hmmmm...i had a paragraph at the end which I left out because I didn't like.
I liked that - nice work.
Especially good as its your first short story attempt - I hope you write some more stuff.
It could have done with a few extra paragraphs near the end - the transition between the description (in a steady pace) to the decision, then the end was too quick, and not properly explained.
Especially good as its your first short story attempt - I hope you write some more stuff.
It could have done with a few extra paragraphs near the end - the transition between the description (in a steady pace) to the decision, then the end was too quick, and not properly explained.
Do you think I maybe neaded an extra paragraph at the end?
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