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The British Olympic Association has today announced plans to develop the ancient Japanese sport of sumo wrestling as a national sport in Great Britain, with a view of bringing it to the London 2012 Olympic Games. The news comes only a short while after yet another daily dire warning about the future fatness of the British people.
Despite these daily warnings, the nation continues to gorge itself stupid on fast food, sweets, crisps and lard sandwiches, and by 2012, scientists and dieticians have predicted that roughly 95% of the British population will be either clinically or morbidly obese, meaning that sumo may prevail as a popular sport.
The ancient Japanese art of sumo wrestling, where two giant men wearing little more than flimsy nappies try to push each other over, is believed to be thousands of years old, with early writings and wall paintings telling of battles between gods to determine ownership of Japanese islands. The first bout between mortal men is believed to have taken place around 23 B.C at the request of Emperor Suinin.
With that kind of long history, it’ll be very difficult for the British to become fully adept at the sport, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After a short press conference, Barbara Cassani, head of the London 2012 bid commented, “Being an American, I am used to seeing chunky muumuu wearing people on every street corner back in the States, and am aware of similar plans underway in the US to develop the art of sumo to become a popular sport due to the weight problems of the nation. Britain may not be at that stage yet, but you have to plan ahead; if the nation doesn’t heed the warnings about a healthy diet and lifestyle, then sumo wrestling is just about the only sport you people are gonna have, that is unless the popular American sport of hotdog eating becomes more widespread, then you’ll have two sports.”
Should London win the games of 2012 and the International Olympic Committee allow Sumo wrestling into the Olympic timetable, it would mean a hasty need to develop the sport in the UK at competitive and grass-roots levels. In the mean time, ideas are already being drawn up to alter the London Olympic event location plans should sumo come to London, with a new 25,000 seater £100M sumo centre opening on the sight of the old decrepit Millennium Dome.
Rik Waller, failed pop star and reality TV star, fat man and celebrity sumo enthusiast, commented, “I welcome the move. With the ever-expanding waistlines of the British people, it seemed a natural choice to develop some homegrown sumo talent. If we give up trying to preach to the ignorant youngsters of today about the dangers of obesity and poor diet, and start training them in the ways of sumo, then by 2012 they’ll be sumo wrestling behemoths capable of competing with the very best Japanese and American sumo wrestlers.
It’s not the most fit and athletic sport to try your hand at, but with the way the obesity levels are going, we won’t have a hard time searching for sumo recruits.”
Also, in a break from sumo tradition, like women being members of the MCC, females may even be able to participate in the traditionally male dominated sport of sumo wrestling. A member of the public interviewed, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted, “the sight of two fat sweaty women grappling has always been a secret turn-on of mine, so it would be absolutely fantastic if the sport was in the Olympics and on TV.”
Critics have commented that if sumo is made an official Olympic sport, then only a handful of nations will really be able to compete, with one critic murmuring, “I don’t think they should allow sumo into the Olympic Games. It’s Ok for the overweight nations like the US and Great Britain and the traditional Japanese participants, but what other nations compete in sumo at a high enough level to enter the Olympics? I doubt they’ll be any Africans, unless they want to throw Eric “the Eel” Moussambani, the hopeless Equatorial Guinean swimmer, into another alien sport for comedy value to see him struggle against the odds.”
With high-level decisions now being made as to the whereabouts of the 2012 Olympics, we may know very soon whether London’s bid will win, and whether we in the UK, with our out of control obesity problems, will be sumo wrestling our way to Olympic glory in 8 years time.
Despite these daily warnings, the nation continues to gorge itself stupid on fast food, sweets, crisps and lard sandwiches, and by 2012, scientists and dieticians have predicted that roughly 95% of the British population will be either clinically or morbidly obese, meaning that sumo may prevail as a popular sport.
The ancient Japanese art of sumo wrestling, where two giant men wearing little more than flimsy nappies try to push each other over, is believed to be thousands of years old, with early writings and wall paintings telling of battles between gods to determine ownership of Japanese islands. The first bout between mortal men is believed to have taken place around 23 B.C at the request of Emperor Suinin.
With that kind of long history, it’ll be very difficult for the British to become fully adept at the sport, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After a short press conference, Barbara Cassani, head of the London 2012 bid commented, “Being an American, I am used to seeing chunky muumuu wearing people on every street corner back in the States, and am aware of similar plans underway in the US to develop the art of sumo to become a popular sport due to the weight problems of the nation. Britain may not be at that stage yet, but you have to plan ahead; if the nation doesn’t heed the warnings about a healthy diet and lifestyle, then sumo wrestling is just about the only sport you people are gonna have, that is unless the popular American sport of hotdog eating becomes more widespread, then you’ll have two sports.”
Should London win the games of 2012 and the International Olympic Committee allow Sumo wrestling into the Olympic timetable, it would mean a hasty need to develop the sport in the UK at competitive and grass-roots levels. In the mean time, ideas are already being drawn up to alter the London Olympic event location plans should sumo come to London, with a new 25,000 seater £100M sumo centre opening on the sight of the old decrepit Millennium Dome.
Rik Waller, failed pop star and reality TV star, fat man and celebrity sumo enthusiast, commented, “I welcome the move. With the ever-expanding waistlines of the British people, it seemed a natural choice to develop some homegrown sumo talent. If we give up trying to preach to the ignorant youngsters of today about the dangers of obesity and poor diet, and start training them in the ways of sumo, then by 2012 they’ll be sumo wrestling behemoths capable of competing with the very best Japanese and American sumo wrestlers.
It’s not the most fit and athletic sport to try your hand at, but with the way the obesity levels are going, we won’t have a hard time searching for sumo recruits.”
Also, in a break from sumo tradition, like women being members of the MCC, females may even be able to participate in the traditionally male dominated sport of sumo wrestling. A member of the public interviewed, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted, “the sight of two fat sweaty women grappling has always been a secret turn-on of mine, so it would be absolutely fantastic if the sport was in the Olympics and on TV.”
Critics have commented that if sumo is made an official Olympic sport, then only a handful of nations will really be able to compete, with one critic murmuring, “I don’t think they should allow sumo into the Olympic Games. It’s Ok for the overweight nations like the US and Great Britain and the traditional Japanese participants, but what other nations compete in sumo at a high enough level to enter the Olympics? I doubt they’ll be any Africans, unless they want to throw Eric “the Eel” Moussambani, the hopeless Equatorial Guinean swimmer, into another alien sport for comedy value to see him struggle against the odds.”
With high-level decisions now being made as to the whereabouts of the 2012 Olympics, we may know very soon whether London’s bid will win, and whether we in the UK, with our out of control obesity problems, will be sumo wrestling our way to Olympic glory in 8 years time.
That's just great. Bit late for an April Fools gag...
The British Olympic Association has today announced plans to develop the ancient Japanese sport of sumo wrestling as a national sport in Great Britain, with a view of bringing it to the London 2012 Olympic Games. The news comes only a short while after yet another daily dire warning about the future fatness of the British people.
Despite these daily warnings, the nation continues to gorge itself stupid on fast food, sweets, crisps and lard sandwiches, and by 2012, scientists and dieticians have predicted that roughly 95% of the British population will be either clinically or morbidly obese, meaning that sumo may prevail as a popular sport.
The ancient Japanese art of sumo wrestling, where two giant men wearing little more than flimsy nappies try to push each other over, is believed to be thousands of years old, with early writings and wall paintings telling of battles between gods to determine ownership of Japanese islands. The first bout between mortal men is believed to have taken place around 23 B.C at the request of Emperor Suinin.
With that kind of long history, it’ll be very difficult for the British to become fully adept at the sport, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After a short press conference, Barbara Cassani, head of the London 2012 bid commented, “Being an American, I am used to seeing chunky muumuu wearing people on every street corner back in the States, and am aware of similar plans underway in the US to develop the art of sumo to become a popular sport due to the weight problems of the nation. Britain may not be at that stage yet, but you have to plan ahead; if the nation doesn’t heed the warnings about a healthy diet and lifestyle, then sumo wrestling is just about the only sport you people are gonna have, that is unless the popular American sport of hotdog eating becomes more widespread, then you’ll have two sports.”
Should London win the games of 2012 and the International Olympic Committee allow Sumo wrestling into the Olympic timetable, it would mean a hasty need to develop the sport in the UK at competitive and grass-roots levels. In the mean time, ideas are already being drawn up to alter the London Olympic event location plans should sumo come to London, with a new 25,000 seater £100M sumo centre opening on the sight of the old decrepit Millennium Dome.
Rik Waller, failed pop star and reality TV star, fat man and celebrity sumo enthusiast, commented, “I welcome the move. With the ever-expanding waistlines of the British people, it seemed a natural choice to develop some homegrown sumo talent. If we give up trying to preach to the ignorant youngsters of today about the dangers of obesity and poor diet, and start training them in the ways of sumo, then by 2012 they’ll be sumo wrestling behemoths capable of competing with the very best Japanese and American sumo wrestlers.
It’s not the most fit and athletic sport to try your hand at, but with the way the obesity levels are going, we won’t have a hard time searching for sumo recruits.”
Also, in a break from sumo tradition, like women being members of the MCC, females may even be able to participate in the traditionally male dominated sport of sumo wrestling. A member of the public interviewed, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted, “the sight of two fat sweaty women grappling has always been a secret turn-on of mine, so it would be absolutely fantastic if the sport was in the Olympics and on TV.”
Critics have commented that if sumo is made an official Olympic sport, then only a handful of nations will really be able to compete, with one critic murmuring, “I don’t think they should allow sumo into the Olympic Games. It’s Ok for the overweight nations like the US and Great Britain and the traditional Japanese participants, but what other nations compete in sumo at a high enough level to enter the Olympics? I doubt they’ll be any Africans, unless they want to throw Eric “the Eel” Moussambani, the hopeless Equatorial Guinean swimmer, into another alien sport for comedy value to see him struggle against the odds.”
With high-level decisions now being made as to the whereabouts of the 2012 Olympics, we may know very soon whether London’s bid will win, and whether we in the UK, with our out of control obesity problems, will be sumo wrestling our way to Olympic glory in 8 years time.
Despite these daily warnings, the nation continues to gorge itself stupid on fast food, sweets, crisps and lard sandwiches, and by 2012, scientists and dieticians have predicted that roughly 95% of the British population will be either clinically or morbidly obese, meaning that sumo may prevail as a popular sport.
The ancient Japanese art of sumo wrestling, where two giant men wearing little more than flimsy nappies try to push each other over, is believed to be thousands of years old, with early writings and wall paintings telling of battles between gods to determine ownership of Japanese islands. The first bout between mortal men is believed to have taken place around 23 B.C at the request of Emperor Suinin.
With that kind of long history, it’ll be very difficult for the British to become fully adept at the sport, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
After a short press conference, Barbara Cassani, head of the London 2012 bid commented, “Being an American, I am used to seeing chunky muumuu wearing people on every street corner back in the States, and am aware of similar plans underway in the US to develop the art of sumo to become a popular sport due to the weight problems of the nation. Britain may not be at that stage yet, but you have to plan ahead; if the nation doesn’t heed the warnings about a healthy diet and lifestyle, then sumo wrestling is just about the only sport you people are gonna have, that is unless the popular American sport of hotdog eating becomes more widespread, then you’ll have two sports.”
Should London win the games of 2012 and the International Olympic Committee allow Sumo wrestling into the Olympic timetable, it would mean a hasty need to develop the sport in the UK at competitive and grass-roots levels. In the mean time, ideas are already being drawn up to alter the London Olympic event location plans should sumo come to London, with a new 25,000 seater £100M sumo centre opening on the sight of the old decrepit Millennium Dome.
Rik Waller, failed pop star and reality TV star, fat man and celebrity sumo enthusiast, commented, “I welcome the move. With the ever-expanding waistlines of the British people, it seemed a natural choice to develop some homegrown sumo talent. If we give up trying to preach to the ignorant youngsters of today about the dangers of obesity and poor diet, and start training them in the ways of sumo, then by 2012 they’ll be sumo wrestling behemoths capable of competing with the very best Japanese and American sumo wrestlers.
It’s not the most fit and athletic sport to try your hand at, but with the way the obesity levels are going, we won’t have a hard time searching for sumo recruits.”
Also, in a break from sumo tradition, like women being members of the MCC, females may even be able to participate in the traditionally male dominated sport of sumo wrestling. A member of the public interviewed, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted, “the sight of two fat sweaty women grappling has always been a secret turn-on of mine, so it would be absolutely fantastic if the sport was in the Olympics and on TV.”
Critics have commented that if sumo is made an official Olympic sport, then only a handful of nations will really be able to compete, with one critic murmuring, “I don’t think they should allow sumo into the Olympic Games. It’s Ok for the overweight nations like the US and Great Britain and the traditional Japanese participants, but what other nations compete in sumo at a high enough level to enter the Olympics? I doubt they’ll be any Africans, unless they want to throw Eric “the Eel” Moussambani, the hopeless Equatorial Guinean swimmer, into another alien sport for comedy value to see him struggle against the odds.”
With high-level decisions now being made as to the whereabouts of the 2012 Olympics, we may know very soon whether London’s bid will win, and whether we in the UK, with our out of control obesity problems, will be sumo wrestling our way to Olympic glory in 8 years time.