The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Cutting Deep – Dead Inside
‘I don’t think we can go on if you don’t trust me’ – The twelve most painful words that anyone had ever spoken to Sam came all at once, in one go, as if someone had been trying to punish him.
.....................................................
One thing Sam had discovered since his break-up, was that he had started smoking again. It was a problem he had around a year ago, but with the help of his ex, had managed to defeat.
However, now that was over he found himself back in the woods in his school grounds, having a fag with a few other boys. For the past week it had been exactly the same, they would meet in the woods and have a round or two before sucking on a few mints, applying some deodorant and going back into school.
He had been going out with his ex girlfriend for just over a year when he made perhaps the biggest mistake of his life. He slipped up. Big time. Things had been said, mainly on his part, that weren’t meant and it had been over just like that. Just as it had started. In an instant.
As Sam walked home that night he lit up another cigarette and started to think, something he’d been doing a lot of late. He remembered the great times they’d had together. One memory in particular sprung to mind, a long time ago. Last year, in the summer holiday, she had come round to his house for the day, everyone was out and they had the house to themselves. She had fallen asleep there and he had lay there for hours just watching her sleep, stroking her hair.
He was suddenly brought back to reality when a passer by called out to him.
‘Sam’ the voice yelled across the street.
Sam suddenly went into a panic. Was it her? It couldn’t be, she wasn’t talking to him. He looked up and saw it was only his best friend. He ran across the road towards Sam, narrowly missing an oncoming cyclist, which made Sam laugh if only for a second. Jack had that effect on him, could always bring a smile to his face, no matter how sad or down Sam was.
‘Gimme a puff, I’ve been gagging for one all day’ was the first thing he said to Sam.
Sam then realised that all this time whilst he had been dreaming of the past, he had a cigarette lit in his hand. He drew a long breath on it before passing the almost burnt out fag over to Jack. They walked on in silence, while jack finished off the cigarette before dropping it and grinding its remnants into the ground. He then proceeded to take out a half eaten pack of polo mints, put one in his mouth and offered one to Sam. Sam declined and they walked on in silence. The strange thing was, Sam had so many things he wanted to say, ask, tell he just couldn’t find the right words, or the right way to ask.
Sam turned into his road and turned to Jack. This was where they parted everyday, well they used to.
To add to his worries, Jack had just found himself a girl of his own. Just as Sam had needed him most he had been stolen from him. Stolen.
.....................................................
He got in and went straight up to his room. The same routine as the past few days. He could not bear to face his family just yet. He got into his room and locked the door behind him, flinging himself onto his bed face down.
He still loved her, there was no question about that. He loved her more than anything he had ever loved before, and she had gone. Gone forever because of his stupid mistake, one small mistake had ruined him. Killed him inside. In his anger he got up and kicked his desk, resulting on him crashing back onto his bed in pain.
As he lay there, the first thing that came to his mind, as usual around now, was a fag. He got up and opened the window with one hand whilst rummaging in his pocket for his crumpled cigarette packet and new lighter with the other. He climbed out of the window and onto the flat roof below. He sat down and lit up, making sure to turn his face towards the house, so that if any neighbours saw him, they would not see what he was actually up to. He took a deep breath and all his worries seemed to go, until he exhaled and they all came swarming back.
The pattern continued for a while until he had worn it right down to the butt, and got all the nasty fumes from the bottom. He put it out with his fingers and threw it into the bushes at the side of his house. He was desperate and reached down to the packet and drew another. He noticed the packet was empty; he had got through a whole one in a school day. He threw the packet into the bushes and lit up the last one with his newly acquired novelty lighter. If you pressed one breast, a flame came out the front of the other. He sat there pressing and depressing the breast. Press. Release. Press. Release. At the same time he kept drawing breaths of the cigarette, and before he knew it, that had gone too.
He threw the remains into the bushes and clambered to his feet. He had never noticed the view up here before, and he realised he could see for miles. Maybe it had never been this clear a day, but he could see all the way into the countryside, the fields with sheep and cows. The old farmhouses puffing out smoke from their chimneys.
‘Sammmm dinner’s ready love, come on down, get some more orange juice on the way please.’
He climbed back in through the window and closed it behind him. He ran into the bathroom and found a glass of mouthwash and a deodorant. He swirled the mouthwash and covered himself in deodorant, just as his mum walked in to see where he was.
.....................................................
After dinner Sam excused himself and went back up to his room. It was just starting to get dark outside, and Sam needed another fag. He had swiped a few of his dad’s that were left on the hall table on his way back up. He climbed back out of the window and sat there watching the sunset. It was beautiful, and with all his emotion running high, he cried. He sat there just crying. When the blubbering stopped he lit up the stolen cigarette and immediately his head cleared of his problems and he felt good again.
Someone had once asked him why he smoked, to which Sam had no answer. Did it make him feel ‘cool’? No. Did it simply taste good? No, well not at first, after a few he started to get used to it. He still did not know the answer himself, except for it made him feel good, if only for that small while you inhale. Then when you exhale, the good feeling goes all at once. As if it was never there at all. Never.
He didn’t realise he had fallen asleep until he woke up. Yet it was not morning, as the sky was still dark. He looked down at his watch:
‘02.41’
It read in glow in the dark writing, standing out clearly against the pitch black background of the silent night. He got to his feet and clambered up through the still open window. He shivered as he got in, feeling that his room was as cold as outside, and shut the window behind him. He went through his door into the bathroom, on the way stopping to put his radiator on. He turned on the light and looked at himself in the mirror. He had huge black bags under his eyes and a cut on his left eye where he had been leaning against the stone wall. He pressed the slightly bleeding wound and it stung, so he withdrew his finger. It had specks of blood on it and as he rinsed them off, ideas came across his mind.
.....................................................
He had once known someone who had cut themselves regularly. Why he could never understand. They used to say that it was the one thing that they had control over, and that it took away the pain. Right now Sam had very little control over his life and he could sure do with some of his pain being taken away. Same slowly and cautiously picked up the paid of nail scissors next to the sink and went back into his own room, turning the light off and quietly closing the door behind him.
He sidled over to his bed and placed the scissors on his bed-side table, and got undressed before climbing into his now quite warm bed. He picked up the scissors and thought for a moment. He tried to remember where not to cut because it could cause fatal injuries. He knew it was veins, because blood would go everywhere and there was the possibility of his death.
So he just sank the scissors into his skin on his forearm. At first it didn’t hurt, but he pushed harder and harder until it started to hurt a bit. Then harder again. Until a little leak of blood came out and he released. He sat staring at the blood. He felt nothing, nothing at all. The pain he had before had gone, just like when he had a cigarette. He did it again, slicing a little this time to forma cut little more than an inch long. Again it felt good, he felt empty. He had got what he wanted.
.....................................................
He opened his eyes to see an unfamiliar face over his and a dazzling bright light above the strangers head.
‘Hello, can you hear me?’ the stranger muttered.
Sam tried to speak but he couldn’t his mouth was numb and he couldn’t move it to form the words. The best he could manage was a grunt, so he just nodded his head.
‘You’ve been very lucky son, your mum found you just in time, any longer and you wouldn’t be here with us.’
The doctor went on to explain how Sam had cut a vein in his arm, with a long complicated name he had missed. He didn’t catch most of what he was saying, as he kept dropping in and out concentration.
The doctor finally finished and left the room, but stuck his head back round to say he had a visitor. Sam expected it to be his mum, or his dad back fro his business trip. But it wasn’t, it was her. She sauntered in and stood by the bed for a while, neither knowing what to say, or in Sam’s case not being able to say what he wanted to. In the end neither came up with anything, and she kissed him on the forehead, said she loved him and left.
She still loves me he thought. Then why did she end it? Why? Why? Why? It didn’t answer anything just gave him more things he wanted to ask, needed to ask.
.....................................................
That was the last thing he ever thought, as he slipped away, never to return. He just ‘fell asleep’ there and then, never to awaken. His young life had slipped away from him, as if something from the inside has been eating his insides away, and had finally reached his outsides. He was dead inside and out. So many questions would go unanswered, so many things un-done, so many things un-said. All down to her, her, her, her, her, her.
I’m sorry xx
‘I don’t think we can go on if you don’t trust me’ – The twelve most painful words that anyone had ever spoken to Sam came all at once, in one go, as if someone had been trying to punish him.
.....................................................
One thing Sam had discovered since his break-up, was that he had started smoking again. It was a problem he had around a year ago, but with the help of his ex, had managed to defeat.
However, now that was over he found himself back in the woods in his school grounds, having a fag with a few other boys. For the past week it had been exactly the same, they would meet in the woods and have a round or two before sucking on a few mints, applying some deodorant and going back into school.
He had been going out with his ex girlfriend for just over a year when he made perhaps the biggest mistake of his life. He slipped up. Big time. Things had been said, mainly on his part, that weren’t meant and it had been over just like that. Just as it had started. In an instant.
As Sam walked home that night he lit up another cigarette and started to think, something he’d been doing a lot of late. He remembered the great times they’d had together. One memory in particular sprung to mind, a long time ago. Last year, in the summer holiday, she had come round to his house for the day, everyone was out and they had the house to themselves. She had fallen asleep there and he had lay there for hours just watching her sleep, stroking her hair.
He was suddenly brought back to reality when a passer by called out to him.
‘Sam’ the voice yelled across the street.
Sam suddenly went into a panic. Was it her? It couldn’t be, she wasn’t talking to him. He looked up and saw it was only his best friend. He ran across the road towards Sam, narrowly missing an oncoming cyclist, which made Sam laugh if only for a second. Jack had that effect on him, could always bring a smile to his face, no matter how sad or down Sam was.
‘Gimme a puff, I’ve been gagging for one all day’ was the first thing he said to Sam.
Sam then realised that all this time whilst he had been dreaming of the past, he had a cigarette lit in his hand. He drew a long breath on it before passing the almost burnt out fag over to Jack. They walked on in silence, while jack finished off the cigarette before dropping it and grinding its remnants into the ground. He then proceeded to take out a half eaten pack of polo mints, put one in his mouth and offered one to Sam. Sam declined and they walked on in silence. The strange thing was, Sam had so many things he wanted to say, ask, tell he just couldn’t find the right words, or the right way to ask.
Sam turned into his road and turned to Jack. This was where they parted everyday, well they used to.
To add to his worries, Jack had just found himself a girl of his own. Just as Sam had needed him most he had been stolen from him. Stolen.
.....................................................
He got in and went straight up to his room. The same routine as the past few days. He could not bear to face his family just yet. He got into his room and locked the door behind him, flinging himself onto his bed face down.
He still loved her, there was no question about that. He loved her more than anything he had ever loved before, and she had gone. Gone forever because of his stupid mistake, one small mistake had ruined him. Killed him inside. In his anger he got up and kicked his desk, resulting on him crashing back onto his bed in pain.
As he lay there, the first thing that came to his mind, as usual around now, was a fag. He got up and opened the window with one hand whilst rummaging in his pocket for his crumpled cigarette packet and new lighter with the other. He climbed out of the window and onto the flat roof below. He sat down and lit up, making sure to turn his face towards the house, so that if any neighbours saw him, they would not see what he was actually up to. He took a deep breath and all his worries seemed to go, until he exhaled and they all came swarming back.
The pattern continued for a while until he had worn it right down to the butt, and got all the nasty fumes from the bottom. He put it out with his fingers and threw it into the bushes at the side of his house. He was desperate and reached down to the packet and drew another. He noticed the packet was empty; he had got through a whole one in a school day. He threw the packet into the bushes and lit up the last one with his newly acquired novelty lighter. If you pressed one breast, a flame came out the front of the other. He sat there pressing and depressing the breast. Press. Release. Press. Release. At the same time he kept drawing breaths of the cigarette, and before he knew it, that had gone too.
He threw the remains into the bushes and clambered to his feet. He had never noticed the view up here before, and he realised he could see for miles. Maybe it had never been this clear a day, but he could see all the way into the countryside, the fields with sheep and cows. The old farmhouses puffing out smoke from their chimneys.
‘Sammmm dinner’s ready love, come on down, get some more orange juice on the way please.’
He climbed back in through the window and closed it behind him. He ran into the bathroom and found a glass of mouthwash and a deodorant. He swirled the mouthwash and covered himself in deodorant, just as his mum walked in to see where he was.
.....................................................
After dinner Sam excused himself and went back up to his room. It was just starting to get dark outside, and Sam needed another fag. He had swiped a few of his dad’s that were left on the hall table on his way back up. He climbed back out of the window and sat there watching the sunset. It was beautiful, and with all his emotion running high, he cried. He sat there just crying. When the blubbering stopped he lit up the stolen cigarette and immediately his head cleared of his problems and he felt good again.
Someone had once asked him why he smoked, to which Sam had no answer. Did it make him feel ‘cool’? No. Did it simply taste good? No, well not at first, after a few he started to get used to it. He still did not know the answer himself, except for it made him feel good, if only for that small while you inhale. Then when you exhale, the good feeling goes all at once. As if it was never there at all. Never.
He didn’t realise he had fallen asleep until he woke up. Yet it was not morning, as the sky was still dark. He looked down at his watch:
‘02.41’
It read in glow in the dark writing, standing out clearly against the pitch black background of the silent night. He got to his feet and clambered up through the still open window. He shivered as he got in, feeling that his room was as cold as outside, and shut the window behind him. He went through his door into the bathroom, on the way stopping to put his radiator on. He turned on the light and looked at himself in the mirror. He had huge black bags under his eyes and a cut on his left eye where he had been leaning against the stone wall. He pressed the slightly bleeding wound and it stung, so he withdrew his finger. It had specks of blood on it and as he rinsed them off, ideas came across his mind.
.....................................................
He had once known someone who had cut themselves regularly. Why he could never understand. They used to say that it was the one thing that they had control over, and that it took away the pain. Right now Sam had very little control over his life and he could sure do with some of his pain being taken away. Same slowly and cautiously picked up the paid of nail scissors next to the sink and went back into his own room, turning the light off and quietly closing the door behind him.
He sidled over to his bed and placed the scissors on his bed-side table, and got undressed before climbing into his now quite warm bed. He picked up the scissors and thought for a moment. He tried to remember where not to cut because it could cause fatal injuries. He knew it was veins, because blood would go everywhere and there was the possibility of his death.
So he just sank the scissors into his skin on his forearm. At first it didn’t hurt, but he pushed harder and harder until it started to hurt a bit. Then harder again. Until a little leak of blood came out and he released. He sat staring at the blood. He felt nothing, nothing at all. The pain he had before had gone, just like when he had a cigarette. He did it again, slicing a little this time to forma cut little more than an inch long. Again it felt good, he felt empty. He had got what he wanted.
.....................................................
He opened his eyes to see an unfamiliar face over his and a dazzling bright light above the strangers head.
‘Hello, can you hear me?’ the stranger muttered.
Sam tried to speak but he couldn’t his mouth was numb and he couldn’t move it to form the words. The best he could manage was a grunt, so he just nodded his head.
‘You’ve been very lucky son, your mum found you just in time, any longer and you wouldn’t be here with us.’
The doctor went on to explain how Sam had cut a vein in his arm, with a long complicated name he had missed. He didn’t catch most of what he was saying, as he kept dropping in and out concentration.
The doctor finally finished and left the room, but stuck his head back round to say he had a visitor. Sam expected it to be his mum, or his dad back fro his business trip. But it wasn’t, it was her. She sauntered in and stood by the bed for a while, neither knowing what to say, or in Sam’s case not being able to say what he wanted to. In the end neither came up with anything, and she kissed him on the forehead, said she loved him and left.
She still loves me he thought. Then why did she end it? Why? Why? Why? It didn’t answer anything just gave him more things he wanted to ask, needed to ask.
.....................................................
That was the last thing he ever thought, as he slipped away, never to return. He just ‘fell asleep’ there and then, never to awaken. His young life had slipped away from him, as if something from the inside has been eating his insides away, and had finally reached his outsides. He was dead inside and out. So many questions would go unanswered, so many things un-done, so many things un-said. All down to her, her, her, her, her, her.
I’m sorry xx
Page:
Silën† Thundêr wrote:
> Congratulations on a brilliant story and on winning the GAD mate, I
> remember winning my first GAD as if it was yesturday.. oh wait.
>
> Well done. :-)
hehehehehe, love it.
> Congratulations on a brilliant story and on winning the GAD mate, I
> remember winning my first GAD as if it was yesturday.. oh wait.
>
> Well done. :-)
hehehehehe, love it.
Heh predictable no?
This is weird. I remember this pattern from long before; a long post with few replies wins GAD; the topis is resurrected by the winner/member to congratulate them, and a small cycle of "Well done > Thanks" occurs.
Cheers, I honestly didn't think it to be that 'brilliant'.
Cheers everyone, and thanks Blank!!!
Cheers everyone, and thanks Blank!!!
Congratulations on a brilliant story and on winning the GAD mate, I remember winning my first GAD as if it was yesturday.. oh wait.
Well done. :-)
Well done. :-)
Cheers Ashman, cheers a lot.
Blank, you are very right, something went wrong there, will try and replace it.
Blank, you are very right, something went wrong there, will try and replace it.
I just took the time out to read it and it is indeed excellent. Disturbing but brilliantly written, again, well done with the GAD.
I read the first two paragraphs and stopped reading.
"subconsciously smoking"
I'm afraid that's not possible.
"subconsciously smoking"
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Heh, I've got 2 more stories in here at the moment I think. Heh
Congrats on the GAD, hope it was as exciting as my first, and hope you can back it up with another (unlike me, heh!).
Page: