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Billy's life
billy was the kid you knew but you didn't, he would sit in class and do all his work without a single word spoken. He would sit with his mum and sister at home and not say a word at all,his mum would as what he wanted for tea and he would simply raise his hand and point at the frozen meal in the freezer. The reason was for his quite and simple behavior was that he had watched his mum be beat to near death buy the rumors “customers” she had.
Billy's mum was a prostitute she had worked like this since bailly was born, in fact billy was a result of a lack of protection that one of the “customers” forgot about. As the same as billy's sister she was also an accident which caused billy to have a vengeance against any man that turned up at the house. As they entered the house he and his sister would stare at the passing men with dire needs to hit them but he was weak against the fully grown men. Most of the time the men would come in have their pleasure and leave and not pay his mom, this aggravated him more and more,
one day billy's rage grew over the top and he lashed out against a man which he was all all familiar with, on that day a man came in the morning and used his mom for here services and did not pay went to the kitchen and tipped all the food onto the floor and stamped all over it billy's rage grew like a bull seeing red. Then the man got billy's sister by the top of the shoulder and pulled her into billy's room then all he could hear were scream of pain and distress.
Billy ran at the door like the bull seeing red and smashed into the door with his shoulder instantly the door threw him back, the screams became louder and his sister was screaming “BILLY help me!” “mum help please!”, billy got up and lunged himself at the door harder and harder finally the door of his bedroom descended slowly onto the floor and billy lay on the floor puffing and panting, To his distress he looked up slowly ans saw his sister with one of billy's sharpest pen knifes smashed into her head with blood poring down her face. Billy jumped to his feet and thought “why did this happen why now?” he started to see red and looked to see were the man was, the window was open the man had flead.Billy ran out and grabbed his chopper bike his mum had brought him for his birth day. Billy peddled like mad and saw the man in his car, in the back ground all billy could here was his mum screaming in pain.
He turned the corner to see the car speeding off, he pedaled faster and harder till he caught up with it and jumped from his bike to the car but in his moment of stupidity the man pulled the brakes on and sent him flying over the car smashing his head on the ground then the man aligned his tire up with billy's head and reversed billy saw was the tread coming closer and closer billy's lights went out.
By $miley
billy was the kid you knew but you didn't, he would sit in class and do all his work without a single word spoken. He would sit with his mum and sister at home and not say a word at all,his mum would as what he wanted for tea and he would simply raise his hand and point at the frozen meal in the freezer. The reason was for his quite and simple behavior was that he had watched his mum be beat to near death buy the rumors “customers” she had.
Billy's mum was a prostitute she had worked like this since bailly was born, in fact billy was a result of a lack of protection that one of the “customers” forgot about. As the same as billy's sister she was also an accident which caused billy to have a vengeance against any man that turned up at the house. As they entered the house he and his sister would stare at the passing men with dire needs to hit them but he was weak against the fully grown men. Most of the time the men would come in have their pleasure and leave and not pay his mom, this aggravated him more and more,
one day billy's rage grew over the top and he lashed out against a man which he was all all familiar with, on that day a man came in the morning and used his mom for here services and did not pay went to the kitchen and tipped all the food onto the floor and stamped all over it billy's rage grew like a bull seeing red. Then the man got billy's sister by the top of the shoulder and pulled her into billy's room then all he could hear were scream of pain and distress.
Billy ran at the door like the bull seeing red and smashed into the door with his shoulder instantly the door threw him back, the screams became louder and his sister was screaming “BILLY help me!” “mum help please!”, billy got up and lunged himself at the door harder and harder finally the door of his bedroom descended slowly onto the floor and billy lay on the floor puffing and panting, To his distress he looked up slowly ans saw his sister with one of billy's sharpest pen knifes smashed into her head with blood poring down her face. Billy jumped to his feet and thought “why did this happen why now?” he started to see red and looked to see were the man was, the window was open the man had flead.Billy ran out and grabbed his chopper bike his mum had brought him for his birth day. Billy peddled like mad and saw the man in his car, in the back ground all billy could here was his mum screaming in pain.
He turned the corner to see the car speeding off, he pedaled faster and harder till he caught up with it and jumped from his bike to the car but in his moment of stupidity the man pulled the brakes on and sent him flying over the car smashing his head on the ground then the man aligned his tire up with billy's head and reversed billy saw was the tread coming closer and closer billy's lights went out.
By $miley
i have alterd this and will post it again on monday when i get to school
thanks allot that is only my second story so i have plenty of time to improve and if you keep giving me these fantastic tips i will be the next jk ummm NOT!
Good story but a name all ways! needs a capital letter at the start of every name not just the title.
Oh, and don't post things twice.
oops!
oops!
Constructive Criticism:
It's the making of a good story, but it seems too rushed. The characters need a bit more introduction and you could focus on Billy's trauma a bit more as his rage builds, maybe with a few more 'clients' first.
The language is really improving from your last story, though I would try to stop yourself using the same phrase over and over again, like 'seeing red' You could use 'felt his blood boiling' or 'his anger covered his eyes like mist'. I would suggest using MS Word if you have access to it, it will AutoCorrect spelling and grammar mistakes.
But keep trying, your ideas are good, you just want to polish the way they are presented so that other people can enjoy them too.
It's the making of a good story, but it seems too rushed. The characters need a bit more introduction and you could focus on Billy's trauma a bit more as his rage builds, maybe with a few more 'clients' first.
The language is really improving from your last story, though I would try to stop yourself using the same phrase over and over again, like 'seeing red' You could use 'felt his blood boiling' or 'his anger covered his eyes like mist'. I would suggest using MS Word if you have access to it, it will AutoCorrect spelling and grammar mistakes.
But keep trying, your ideas are good, you just want to polish the way they are presented so that other people can enjoy them too.
Constructive Criticism:
It's the making of a good story, but it seems too rushed. The characters need a bit more introduction and you could focus on Billy's trauma a bit more as his rage builds, maybe with a few more 'clients' first.
The language is really improving from your last story, though I would try to stop yourself using the same phrase over and over again, like 'seeing red' You could use 'felt his blood boiling' or 'his anger covered his eyes like mist'. I would suggest using MS Word if you have access to it, it will AutoCorrect spelling and grammar mistakes.
But keep trying, your ideas are good, you just want to polish the way they are presented so that other people can enjoy them too.
It's the making of a good story, but it seems too rushed. The characters need a bit more introduction and you could focus on Billy's trauma a bit more as his rage builds, maybe with a few more 'clients' first.
The language is really improving from your last story, though I would try to stop yourself using the same phrase over and over again, like 'seeing red' You could use 'felt his blood boiling' or 'his anger covered his eyes like mist'. I would suggest using MS Word if you have access to it, it will AutoCorrect spelling and grammar mistakes.
But keep trying, your ideas are good, you just want to polish the way they are presented so that other people can enjoy them too.
Capital B for Billy.
somehow, it reminds me of the boy called billy in my story "billy and the pathetic doctor"
Have a look around. It might still be there.
Have a look around. It might still be there.
Billy's life
billy was the kid you knew but you didn't, he would sit in class and do all his work without a single word spoken. He would sit with his mum and sister at home and not say a word at all,his mum would as what he wanted for tea and he would simply raise his hand and point at the frozen meal in the freezer. The reason was for his quite and simple behavior was that he had watched his mum be beat to near death buy the rumors “customers” she had.
Billy's mum was a prostitute she had worked like this since bailly was born, in fact billy was a result of a lack of protection that one of the “customers” forgot about. As the same as billy's sister she was also an accident which caused billy to have a vengeance against any man that turned up at the house. As they entered the house he and his sister would stare at the passing men with dire needs to hit them but he was weak against the fully grown men. Most of the time the men would come in have their pleasure and leave and not pay his mom, this aggravated him more and more,
one day billy's rage grew over the top and he lashed out against a man which he was all all familiar with, on that day a man came in the morning and used his mom for here services and did not pay went to the kitchen and tipped all the food onto the floor and stamped all over it billy's rage grew like a bull seeing red. Then the man got billy's sister by the top of the shoulder and pulled her into billy's room then all he could hear were scream of pain and distress.
Billy ran at the door like the bull seeing red and smashed into the door with his shoulder instantly the door threw him back, the screams became louder and his sister was screaming “BILLY help me!” “mum help please!”, billy got up and lunged himself at the door harder and harder finally the door of his bedroom descended slowly onto the floor and billy lay on the floor puffing and panting, To his distress he looked up slowly ans saw his sister with one of billy's sharpest pen knifes smashed into her head with blood poring down her face. Billy jumped to his feet and thought “why did this happen why now?” he started to see red and looked to see were the man was, the window was open the man had flead.Billy ran out and grabbed his chopper bike his mum had brought him for his birth day. Billy peddled like mad and saw the man in his car, in the back ground all billy could here was his mum screaming in pain.
He turned the corner to see the car speeding off, he pedaled faster and harder till he caught up with it and jumped from his bike to the car but in his moment of stupidity the man pulled the brakes on and sent him flying over the car smashing his head on the ground then the man aligned his tire up with billy's head and reversed billy saw was the tread coming closer and closer billy's lights went out.
By $miley
billy was the kid you knew but you didn't, he would sit in class and do all his work without a single word spoken. He would sit with his mum and sister at home and not say a word at all,his mum would as what he wanted for tea and he would simply raise his hand and point at the frozen meal in the freezer. The reason was for his quite and simple behavior was that he had watched his mum be beat to near death buy the rumors “customers” she had.
Billy's mum was a prostitute she had worked like this since bailly was born, in fact billy was a result of a lack of protection that one of the “customers” forgot about. As the same as billy's sister she was also an accident which caused billy to have a vengeance against any man that turned up at the house. As they entered the house he and his sister would stare at the passing men with dire needs to hit them but he was weak against the fully grown men. Most of the time the men would come in have their pleasure and leave and not pay his mom, this aggravated him more and more,
one day billy's rage grew over the top and he lashed out against a man which he was all all familiar with, on that day a man came in the morning and used his mom for here services and did not pay went to the kitchen and tipped all the food onto the floor and stamped all over it billy's rage grew like a bull seeing red. Then the man got billy's sister by the top of the shoulder and pulled her into billy's room then all he could hear were scream of pain and distress.
Billy ran at the door like the bull seeing red and smashed into the door with his shoulder instantly the door threw him back, the screams became louder and his sister was screaming “BILLY help me!” “mum help please!”, billy got up and lunged himself at the door harder and harder finally the door of his bedroom descended slowly onto the floor and billy lay on the floor puffing and panting, To his distress he looked up slowly ans saw his sister with one of billy's sharpest pen knifes smashed into her head with blood poring down her face. Billy jumped to his feet and thought “why did this happen why now?” he started to see red and looked to see were the man was, the window was open the man had flead.Billy ran out and grabbed his chopper bike his mum had brought him for his birth day. Billy peddled like mad and saw the man in his car, in the back ground all billy could here was his mum screaming in pain.
He turned the corner to see the car speeding off, he pedaled faster and harder till he caught up with it and jumped from his bike to the car but in his moment of stupidity the man pulled the brakes on and sent him flying over the car smashing his head on the ground then the man aligned his tire up with billy's head and reversed billy saw was the tread coming closer and closer billy's lights went out.
By $miley