The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
The Figure
Its near midnight the moon is full and the foxes are roaming around outside. Security is a boring job sitting around with your clump of keys for door which are passage ways to nothing, What's the point and if something did happen what can I do I don't have any protection at all apart from the end of my maglite.
On my 5th round of the complex that night I noticed the fence had been cut a small opening only though only as big as a coke bottle is round, I never thought about it and carried on my rounds walking through the massive chains of long dark corridors I saw in the far end a door that had been left open.
As I approached the door I noticed that there was a long slimy green substance from a vent near the floor all the way to the door and inside the door. Chin chin is all I could hear from the keys on my belt bouncing up and down on my thigh, as I approached I could feel my heart rate increase outstandingly over the normal bpm, my hands were sweating and the light from my maglite started to blink, the batteries had ran out.
I flicked the switch in the room the bright swift light from the light threw itself over all the boxes in the stationary room shadows formed figures of imagination on the walls. The slim was not green it was red as red a blood infect it was blood.
I could hear a whimpering wineing noise coming from the far corner of the room, don't go call for help were the thoughts funning through my mind but it was my job I had to, the sound was that of a human lying on its back its face up the wall. It had no clothes, its back was covered in think red blood, I came closer to the body only to my most horrific thoughts to find its spine was totally removed like a animal had striped it straight from its back.
A loud growling came from the outside of the room I began to run towards the door, the door SLAMED shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it its shadow appeared human "hello" I cried the light bulb went out I knew I was in for death I went to the opposite corner from the body and sat down like a child in a scared position crying.
The body opposite me was still whimpering and so was I but I was unaware that the dark shadow of the figure that came into the room was standing over me with a large trench coat on. I could see the shape from my Zippo lighter I screamed at him, "don't kill me please don't kill me I have a wife and children, "but the shape continued to approach me in with no mercy at all the figure opened the coat up to reveal he has a whole variety of what I can only describe as "butchers utensils" it the body stopped whimpering there was silence as the figure said in a dark grungy voice "which one do you want to die with" I said "none let me go pl" I couldn't finish my sentence as the figure has a large knife to my throat the edge was cold against my Adams apple.
My only chance was to fight I slid my way up the wall and smashed the knife with my maglite it descended to the floor in slow motion and seemed to take forever it bounced as it hit the floor and the sound echoed through the wall and up the corridor. The hand of the figure ascended to my throat and forced my head into the wall pushing my Adams apple in my throat became tight and I could not swallow maybe because I was scared and maybe because for the pain from the figures grip. I was struggling to breath the figure took the torch in his other hand and dropped it that was my only chance gone or was it. The figure seemed oblivious to pain as a was thrashing out bouncing its face and chest, my feet were totally off the ground I smashed my fist into the figures mouth and its eyes turned red and its grip tightened, he got out another knife from its jacket with its other hand it was a large butchers knife.
He dropped me and I lay on the floor totally beaten gasping for air the figure flipped me on to my back and put my head between his knees and sat on my head and stated to hack at my back with the sharp kinife i could feel the sharp edge enter my back several times,the edge was cold and ripped into my back with ease. Suddenly blood came from my mouth and i felt the blood ooze out of my back from were the knife had enterd and started to poor over the sides of my back to the floor.The figure let out a large growel and and ripped open my back with its hands then it pushed its face through my back and started to eat my insides, the figure retreated from its feast and smashed its knife into the back of my neck and it never left.
News Night
while undergoing a search for a missing security guard the police found two bodies which had been brutially and grusomly hacked with a range of sharp objects one weapon was found in the body of one victim.there was also large teeth marks and hair found inside the victims backsforensic police say this is from a animal much like a wolf but that does not explain the knife wounds.we can only identify one body as the missing security guard "dave hillfire" this ia a grusom and horrific attack that police are enraged about, police are trying there best to find the culprate if you have any information please contact 036482392 with any information big or small will be gratefully recived thank you"
story coverd by anglea fig
By $miley
Its near midnight the moon is full and the foxes are roaming around outside. Security is a boring job sitting around with your clump of keys for door which are passage ways to nothing, What's the point and if something did happen what can I do I don't have any protection at all apart from the end of my maglite.
On my 5th round of the complex that night I noticed the fence had been cut a small opening only though only as big as a coke bottle is round, I never thought about it and carried on my rounds walking through the massive chains of long dark corridors I saw in the far end a door that had been left open.
As I approached the door I noticed that there was a long slimy green substance from a vent near the floor all the way to the door and inside the door. Chin chin is all I could hear from the keys on my belt bouncing up and down on my thigh, as I approached I could feel my heart rate increase outstandingly over the normal bpm, my hands were sweating and the light from my maglite started to blink, the batteries had ran out.
I flicked the switch in the room the bright swift light from the light threw itself over all the boxes in the stationary room shadows formed figures of imagination on the walls. The slim was not green it was red as red a blood infect it was blood.
I could hear a whimpering wineing noise coming from the far corner of the room, don't go call for help were the thoughts funning through my mind but it was my job I had to, the sound was that of a human lying on its back its face up the wall. It had no clothes, its back was covered in think red blood, I came closer to the body only to my most horrific thoughts to find its spine was totally removed like a animal had striped it straight from its back.
A loud growling came from the outside of the room I began to run towards the door, the door SLAMED shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it its shadow appeared human "hello" I cried the light bulb went out I knew I was in for death I went to the opposite corner from the body and sat down like a child in a scared position crying.
The body opposite me was still whimpering and so was I but I was unaware that the dark shadow of the figure that came into the room was standing over me with a large trench coat on. I could see the shape from my Zippo lighter I screamed at him, "don't kill me please don't kill me I have a wife and children, "but the shape continued to approach me in with no mercy at all the figure opened the coat up to reveal he has a whole variety of what I can only describe as "butchers utensils" it the body stopped whimpering there was silence as the figure said in a dark grungy voice "which one do you want to die with" I said "none let me go pl" I couldn't finish my sentence as the figure has a large knife to my throat the edge was cold against my Adams apple.
My only chance was to fight I slid my way up the wall and smashed the knife with my maglite it descended to the floor in slow motion and seemed to take forever it bounced as it hit the floor and the sound echoed through the wall and up the corridor. The hand of the figure ascended to my throat and forced my head into the wall pushing my Adams apple in my throat became tight and I could not swallow maybe because I was scared and maybe because for the pain from the figures grip. I was struggling to breath the figure took the torch in his other hand and dropped it that was my only chance gone or was it. The figure seemed oblivious to pain as a was thrashing out bouncing its face and chest, my feet were totally off the ground I smashed my fist into the figures mouth and its eyes turned red and its grip tightened, he got out another knife from its jacket with its other hand it was a large butchers knife.
He dropped me and I lay on the floor totally beaten gasping for air the figure flipped me on to my back and put my head between his knees and sat on my head and stated to hack at my back with the sharp kinife i could feel the sharp edge enter my back several times,the edge was cold and ripped into my back with ease. Suddenly blood came from my mouth and i felt the blood ooze out of my back from were the knife had enterd and started to poor over the sides of my back to the floor.The figure let out a large growel and and ripped open my back with its hands then it pushed its face through my back and started to eat my insides, the figure retreated from its feast and smashed its knife into the back of my neck and it never left.
News Night
while undergoing a search for a missing security guard the police found two bodies which had been brutially and grusomly hacked with a range of sharp objects one weapon was found in the body of one victim.there was also large teeth marks and hair found inside the victims backsforensic police say this is from a animal much like a wolf but that does not explain the knife wounds.we can only identify one body as the missing security guard "dave hillfire" this ia a grusom and horrific attack that police are enraged about, police are trying there best to find the culprate if you have any information please contact 036482392 with any information big or small will be gratefully recived thank you"
story coverd by anglea fig
By $miley
thanks allot i wanted to do it in 1st person as explaining it as a dream
Maybe people are being a bit harsh, but take it as constructive criticism. The story itself is promising. I think you should work on it a little.
I suggest making it 3rd person. The layout is nice and well paragraphed, though you could employ using a new line each time someone speaks, which would help the flow of the conversation.
so, for instance, it would look like this:
A loud growling came from the outside of the room and Harry began to run towards the door. Just as he reached it, the door slammed shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it. To Harry's eyes its shadow appeared human,
"hello?" he cried out to the shadow.
The light bulb went out. Harry knew his fate was sealed and his mind exploded. He went, on automatic, over to the opposite corner from the body and just sat down like a child rocking back and forth, crying.
As you can see, I've added a few changes to the language, but I'm sure with a bit of work you would get to the same place.
Don't give up, your story is good and the idea of having a news item at the end, while not original, is a good plot device which can be effective when used correctly.
I suggest making it 3rd person. The layout is nice and well paragraphed, though you could employ using a new line each time someone speaks, which would help the flow of the conversation.
so, for instance, it would look like this:
A loud growling came from the outside of the room and Harry began to run towards the door. Just as he reached it, the door slammed shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it. To Harry's eyes its shadow appeared human,
"hello?" he cried out to the shadow.
The light bulb went out. Harry knew his fate was sealed and his mind exploded. He went, on automatic, over to the opposite corner from the body and just sat down like a child rocking back and forth, crying.
As you can see, I've added a few changes to the language, but I'm sure with a bit of work you would get to the same place.
Don't give up, your story is good and the idea of having a news item at the end, while not original, is a good plot device which can be effective when used correctly.
a well this one was ill on the day
I didn't realise news reporters were illiterate..............
it deserves more than this if i do say so myself
i worked so hard on this
english i wrote it as a description of a nightmare then the news part makes it all become real
What nationality are you?
While I liked the initial idea the grammer and spelling was atrocious. It meant that the story wasn't easy to read as your eyes jump at every error.
Also you cannot write a story like this in the first person. How can you describe something like this for the reader if you are dead?
While I liked the initial idea the grammer and spelling was atrocious. It meant that the story wasn't easy to read as your eyes jump at every error.
Also you cannot write a story like this in the first person. How can you describe something like this for the reader if you are dead?
The Figure
Its near midnight the moon is full and the foxes are roaming around outside. Security is a boring job sitting around with your clump of keys for door which are passage ways to nothing, What's the point and if something did happen what can I do I don't have any protection at all apart from the end of my maglite.
On my 5th round of the complex that night I noticed the fence had been cut a small opening only though only as big as a coke bottle is round, I never thought about it and carried on my rounds walking through the massive chains of long dark corridors I saw in the far end a door that had been left open.
As I approached the door I noticed that there was a long slimy green substance from a vent near the floor all the way to the door and inside the door. Chin chin is all I could hear from the keys on my belt bouncing up and down on my thigh, as I approached I could feel my heart rate increase outstandingly over the normal bpm, my hands were sweating and the light from my maglite started to blink, the batteries had ran out.
I flicked the switch in the room the bright swift light from the light threw itself over all the boxes in the stationary room shadows formed figures of imagination on the walls. The slim was not green it was red as red a blood infect it was blood.
I could hear a whimpering wineing noise coming from the far corner of the room, don't go call for help were the thoughts funning through my mind but it was my job I had to, the sound was that of a human lying on its back its face up the wall. It had no clothes, its back was covered in think red blood, I came closer to the body only to my most horrific thoughts to find its spine was totally removed like a animal had striped it straight from its back.
A loud growling came from the outside of the room I began to run towards the door, the door SLAMED shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it its shadow appeared human "hello" I cried the light bulb went out I knew I was in for death I went to the opposite corner from the body and sat down like a child in a scared position crying.
The body opposite me was still whimpering and so was I but I was unaware that the dark shadow of the figure that came into the room was standing over me with a large trench coat on. I could see the shape from my Zippo lighter I screamed at him, "don't kill me please don't kill me I have a wife and children, "but the shape continued to approach me in with no mercy at all the figure opened the coat up to reveal he has a whole variety of what I can only describe as "butchers utensils" it the body stopped whimpering there was silence as the figure said in a dark grungy voice "which one do you want to die with" I said "none let me go pl" I couldn't finish my sentence as the figure has a large knife to my throat the edge was cold against my Adams apple.
My only chance was to fight I slid my way up the wall and smashed the knife with my maglite it descended to the floor in slow motion and seemed to take forever it bounced as it hit the floor and the sound echoed through the wall and up the corridor. The hand of the figure ascended to my throat and forced my head into the wall pushing my Adams apple in my throat became tight and I could not swallow maybe because I was scared and maybe because for the pain from the figures grip. I was struggling to breath the figure took the torch in his other hand and dropped it that was my only chance gone or was it. The figure seemed oblivious to pain as a was thrashing out bouncing its face and chest, my feet were totally off the ground I smashed my fist into the figures mouth and its eyes turned red and its grip tightened, he got out another knife from its jacket with its other hand it was a large butchers knife.
He dropped me and I lay on the floor totally beaten gasping for air the figure flipped me on to my back and put my head between his knees and sat on my head and stated to hack at my back with the sharp kinife i could feel the sharp edge enter my back several times,the edge was cold and ripped into my back with ease. Suddenly blood came from my mouth and i felt the blood ooze out of my back from were the knife had enterd and started to poor over the sides of my back to the floor.The figure let out a large growel and and ripped open my back with its hands then it pushed its face through my back and started to eat my insides, the figure retreated from its feast and smashed its knife into the back of my neck and it never left.
News Night
while undergoing a search for a missing security guard the police found two bodies which had been brutially and grusomly hacked with a range of sharp objects one weapon was found in the body of one victim.there was also large teeth marks and hair found inside the victims backsforensic police say this is from a animal much like a wolf but that does not explain the knife wounds.we can only identify one body as the missing security guard "dave hillfire" this ia a grusom and horrific attack that police are enraged about, police are trying there best to find the culprate if you have any information please contact 036482392 with any information big or small will be gratefully recived thank you"
story coverd by anglea fig
By $miley
Its near midnight the moon is full and the foxes are roaming around outside. Security is a boring job sitting around with your clump of keys for door which are passage ways to nothing, What's the point and if something did happen what can I do I don't have any protection at all apart from the end of my maglite.
On my 5th round of the complex that night I noticed the fence had been cut a small opening only though only as big as a coke bottle is round, I never thought about it and carried on my rounds walking through the massive chains of long dark corridors I saw in the far end a door that had been left open.
As I approached the door I noticed that there was a long slimy green substance from a vent near the floor all the way to the door and inside the door. Chin chin is all I could hear from the keys on my belt bouncing up and down on my thigh, as I approached I could feel my heart rate increase outstandingly over the normal bpm, my hands were sweating and the light from my maglite started to blink, the batteries had ran out.
I flicked the switch in the room the bright swift light from the light threw itself over all the boxes in the stationary room shadows formed figures of imagination on the walls. The slim was not green it was red as red a blood infect it was blood.
I could hear a whimpering wineing noise coming from the far corner of the room, don't go call for help were the thoughts funning through my mind but it was my job I had to, the sound was that of a human lying on its back its face up the wall. It had no clothes, its back was covered in think red blood, I came closer to the body only to my most horrific thoughts to find its spine was totally removed like a animal had striped it straight from its back.
A loud growling came from the outside of the room I began to run towards the door, the door SLAMED shut. There was a dark figure standing in front of it its shadow appeared human "hello" I cried the light bulb went out I knew I was in for death I went to the opposite corner from the body and sat down like a child in a scared position crying.
The body opposite me was still whimpering and so was I but I was unaware that the dark shadow of the figure that came into the room was standing over me with a large trench coat on. I could see the shape from my Zippo lighter I screamed at him, "don't kill me please don't kill me I have a wife and children, "but the shape continued to approach me in with no mercy at all the figure opened the coat up to reveal he has a whole variety of what I can only describe as "butchers utensils" it the body stopped whimpering there was silence as the figure said in a dark grungy voice "which one do you want to die with" I said "none let me go pl" I couldn't finish my sentence as the figure has a large knife to my throat the edge was cold against my Adams apple.
My only chance was to fight I slid my way up the wall and smashed the knife with my maglite it descended to the floor in slow motion and seemed to take forever it bounced as it hit the floor and the sound echoed through the wall and up the corridor. The hand of the figure ascended to my throat and forced my head into the wall pushing my Adams apple in my throat became tight and I could not swallow maybe because I was scared and maybe because for the pain from the figures grip. I was struggling to breath the figure took the torch in his other hand and dropped it that was my only chance gone or was it. The figure seemed oblivious to pain as a was thrashing out bouncing its face and chest, my feet were totally off the ground I smashed my fist into the figures mouth and its eyes turned red and its grip tightened, he got out another knife from its jacket with its other hand it was a large butchers knife.
He dropped me and I lay on the floor totally beaten gasping for air the figure flipped me on to my back and put my head between his knees and sat on my head and stated to hack at my back with the sharp kinife i could feel the sharp edge enter my back several times,the edge was cold and ripped into my back with ease. Suddenly blood came from my mouth and i felt the blood ooze out of my back from were the knife had enterd and started to poor over the sides of my back to the floor.The figure let out a large growel and and ripped open my back with its hands then it pushed its face through my back and started to eat my insides, the figure retreated from its feast and smashed its knife into the back of my neck and it never left.
News Night
while undergoing a search for a missing security guard the police found two bodies which had been brutially and grusomly hacked with a range of sharp objects one weapon was found in the body of one victim.there was also large teeth marks and hair found inside the victims backsforensic police say this is from a animal much like a wolf but that does not explain the knife wounds.we can only identify one body as the missing security guard "dave hillfire" this ia a grusom and horrific attack that police are enraged about, police are trying there best to find the culprate if you have any information please contact 036482392 with any information big or small will be gratefully recived thank you"
story coverd by anglea fig
By $miley