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"carcouse"

carcouse

it lise stiff and morbid
rigermortis has long gone
liying unhumanily in my bath
the stains of blood still up the walls
splaterd from when i hit you
i did not mean it you must know
your blood was sweet and the raw fleash was good
i dont know what to do with you
the smell is rechid and the air freshner does not work
i must not leave you all alone
and you cannot use the phone
i un-pluged it so you dont cry for help
that would not work
why are you so messy
stay in one place
the wepon is stuck in your head
the nail is in your brain
and the wood sticks out
i wonder what to do with you.

By $miley

$miley wrote:
> the smell is rechid and the air freshner does not work

I liked this line because it seemed real where the rest of it did not. Even killing someone is mundane and frustating - you'd get blood on your best shoes, you'd probably need the toilet and have to take a break halfway through, etc etc. That line gave the murderer a bit of humanity.

I think you'd be better off writing about something you know: a bird you fancy, arguing with your mates, feeling miserable or incredibly happy. This murdering stuff doesn't come across as very authentic, especially when the murderer doesn't seem to have any feelings about what he's up to.

But I really liked the air freshener line.

i know

$miley wrote:
> not

hence the :P

not

UrkiE-UK wrote:
> Lindgren wrote:
> And try to punstuate
>
> I hope that was intentional.
>

Of course it was! :P

Lindgren wrote:
> And try to punstuate

I hope that was intentional.

Learn to spell. :P

Try a dictionary then!

thats the whole point i dont have word

The poor spelling deflected my attention away from the actual words way too much, so I read the version Bell posted, and it still lacks something for me. Keep trying though $miley, but next time type it in Word and use spellcheck first! And try to punctuate it so that the reader has some idea as to how you want it to read.

$miley wrote:
> Corpse
>
> It lies stiff and morbid
> Rigermortis has long gone
> Lying unhumanly in my bath
> The stains of blood still up the walls
> Splattered from when I hit you
> I did not mean it you must know
> Your blood was sweet and the raw flesh was good
> I dont know what to do with you
> The smell is wretched and the air freshener does not work
> I must not leave you all alone
> And you cannot use the phone
> I unplugged it so you don't cry for help
> That would not work
> Why are you so messy
> Stay in one place
> The weapon is stuck in your head
> The nail is in your brain
> And the wood sticks out
> I wonder what to do with you.

See? Lot easier to read, but I'm not even going to begin to guess where the full stops live...