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Oh Baby! Oscars 2004! In February… okay, March for UK GMT pedants. Bizarrely early this year, I think to avoid the Hobbits hitting puberty before the ceremony and looking totally unrecognisable. Also means the UK haven’t got the opportunity to watch quite a number of the films this year, which makes guessing the winners even harder than usual.
For the two who’ll remember, this is my second time in the hot seat; and sitting under this laptop for five hours I will be getting very warm. It’s quite simple; I watch the Oscars and type. A lot.
So who’s going to win? Who cares? Pointing at ugly dresses, cringing at over the top acceptance speeches and getting scared by Joan Rivers; that’s what it’s about. There’s also a rather out of the ordinary bunch of nominations this year: they’ve ignored Miramax’s big effort in Cold Mountain, nominated not one but two comedy performances in the best actor category and a thirteen year-old in a film no one watched for best actress.
Sean Connery kicks things off with the typical, “Movies ROCK!!! And heal all the World’s ills” opening speech. Gosh darn it! Aren’t you all just so special! Billy Crystal’s naked opening… lets not think about that. Would also like to quickly forget the overly long trail with Mr. Crystal inserted into lots of films with totally forgettable consequences. Bring back Steve Martin and his hilarious opening monologue, all’s forgiven. Oh dear… now he’s singing, less than five minutes in and I’m annoyed already.
And he just goes on…
And on…
He’s going to crack a joke any minute, you can’t go on for this long and miss every time…
Okay, it seems you can. And he just keeps singing. Clint Eastwood shouldn’t sit there and take that, you’re the Man with No Name for goodness sake!
Best supporting actor first, not exactly the most thrilling bunch on nominees. Tim Robbins has got to be the favourite, but Del Torro would be cool. Nice to see the guy from The Last Samurai nominated for managing to keep a straight face in the wake of Tom Cruise’s ego. Shock, gasp, Tim Robbins wins. Some whale hugging acceptance speech coming up no doubt. And he’s so thankful to most of the list of a hundred name’s he thanks he needs to read them off a piece of paper. Closes with some advice for victims of domestic violence, oh he’s a dear. I bet he always puts the seat down when he’s finished.
Gandalf scrubs up well, though for some reason has accessorised his tux with a pen on a chain around his neck. It’s the Lord of the Rings highlight reel for Best Picture, I reckon it’s either going to be a feast or a famine for those boys. Disserve an award just for the logistics, but who knows.
More Oscar time, Art Direction with Angie Jollie presenting in her trailer trash goes to the prom outfit. It’s the tattoo that adds the class, snakes just ooze sophistication. Oh, and Lord of the Rings wins, but it’s one of those awards no one really cares about so expect the orchestra to get in on those speeches early. Interesting thing is Peter Jackson still looks like he’s about to ask you for some spare change for a bottle of Strongbow when he has a tuxedo on. And in other crowd shots, Diane Keeton has come dressed as Charlie Chaplin.
Robin Williams presenting Best Animated feature. See what they’ve done there? Nominees: Brother Bear (making up the numbers), Finding Nemo (fantastic), Some French film (supposedly brilliant, though no ones really watched it). Joy, huzza, Finding Nemo wins, worth it just for the whale noises. Give Pixar another great shiny star, big tick, A+. Bet you Disney are really glad they lost those boys. Even a nice, sweet acceptance speech; Pixar can do no wrong. Interesting theory from Jonathan Ross in the breaks about the Art Direction as a portent for further awards: as no one knows anything about Art Direction they just pick their favourite film, or the one they’ll vote for in Best Picture too. Kind of falls apart when a number of the Best Film nominees aren’t up for that award…
Costume design intro includes the line “people with no clothes have little influence”. Ha! Not know any men? Anyway, dressing up, don’t you love those big awards that kick things off? Lord of the Rings again… can I take all that back? They are some fantastic costumes, especially the low neck lines on Liv Tyler. Pity they couldn’t sort Mr Jackson out for his big night, he’s obviously deep in preparation for his up coming role as King Kong.
MORE BILLY CRYSAL UNFUNNYNESS.
Scary guy from American Beauty with the Best Supporting Actress nominations; lots of films not out in the UK yet… I’ll stick the pin in Holly Hunter; dress by Armani, face by Avid Merian. Doh! Obviously going to be Rene Zwellweger for intense cruelly to a chicken, and the usual “we’ve ignored her lots before” Academy mentality (for veterans of last year’s Oscar coverage, note the lack of Rene hatred, me = so mature). Yup, and she’s going to cry… she’s going to cry… talking in broken bursts, but saying nothing to interesting and flying through a long, written list. Nothing says I love you like having to write your name down lest you forget.
Tom Hanks gets a bigger laugh in a throw away comment to the orchestra than Billy Crystal’s got all night. On to introduce a Bob Hope tribute; at the risk of sounding obsessed, Billy Crystal watch and learn. That’s how you host the Oscars! What a guy, and totally overlooked by The Academy until one of those annoying honorary ones late in the day.
Starskey and Owen Wilson presenting Live Action Short, and who cares about the award? Very funny introduction though! Two Soldiers wins, OH THE CONTRAVERSY! They’ll be talking about that one tomorrow. In fact, should give them another award for fastest reading out of names from a sheet, and all in a pink tie. AGHGHGHGHH and the gits have played the orchestra super loud to stop him. Hes just won an Oscar, let him have his moment for goodness sake! Best Animated Short now; and again, whose watched any of those? Who even cares about the winner, some Australian film, all the awards going south this year.
RARRRR! Liv Tyler wearing some dodgy glasses with a Bobby Charlton comb over… to introduce Sting. Well, take the highs with the lows. Is this all Sting does now though? Hides for 354 days a year, and then pops up with a dreary tune nominated in the Oscars. I’d quite like Billy Crystal back, that’s how fantastic the song is.
RARRRR! But Liv Tyler returns instead. More Cold Mountain music, more drudgery; but now featuring Elvis Costello, who should know better. It is actually worse than the String track, which takes some doing. Bit more Liv Tyler, yummiest of all the Elves, to introduce Annie Lennox… now there’s a cold shower. AND MORE RUBBISH MUSIC. Thanks goodness for an advert break, or back to the studio for the Beeb and lots of discussion about Ronnie Corbett, which I’m not even going to explain.
MORE BILLY CRYSTAL UNFUNNINESS. They’ve let him kill this eight times… ermmm… but I’ll admit, mildly amusing in the traditional “what are the star’s thinking” bit.
Will Smith and his teeny tiny wife needlessly explain what special effects are: you think Lord of the Rings might win? Not going to be many people in New Zealand who haven’t won pretty soon, or at least been thanked. Now a short montage of the ugly people who won awards for technical achievements. Had to hand them out weeks ago just to stop the pretty people getting hassled by the techie button pushers.
For some reason Jim Carey not only has a shaved head, but is also talking gibberish; and when he is intelligible, about catching his sister having sex… I have no idea. Finally gets round to introducing the brilliant Blake Edwards for an honorary award. Another of those guys who gets overlooked for having the audacity to make funny films rather than dramas, so you have to honour him after the fact. Pity the contrived skit with Jim Carey and a run away wheel chair has to sour the event! Brilliant acceptance speech though, a few great anecdotes rather than a hurried list, and ten times more feeling than any of the actors managed. Just dreading there going to ruin the moment with a hurry-up orchestra swell. But they didn’t, that was lovely, what a guy. I’m all happy again; ready to endure some more of the garbage we’ve had so far.
Make-Up Award, where they tragically overlooked Johnny English, not even a nomination! What cheek. Lord of the Rings wins for Liv Tyler’s amazing lips and a lot of big noses, beating the other two nominees Master and Commander and Pirates of the Caribbean… much like in at least two other awards tonight.
And on to some awfully clunky, over-rehearsed tripe from Sandra Bullock and John Travolta: YOU’RE ACTORS, THIS IS WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO. A conversation as yourself, it hardly requires an acting mega-performance. Lord of the Rings wins something else, I don’t even know what for. Ahh, Sound Mixing. That’s exactly what I though while leaving the cinema, “that sound was particularly well mixed”. Though, if anything, the Johnny English mix was slightly more subtle, and they didn’t even nominate that! Sound Editing goes to Master and Commander: you can just imagine the voters seeing the two categories needing ticks put in boxes and sharing them out. Honestly, some good awards coming up. But we have in injure Julia Roberts, with her Erin Brokovich trailer-trash hair first for the big night, to introduce a “Look who’s dead now!” montage.
One and a half hours to go, I’d forgotten the endurance aspect to this. I’m going to escape for under the laptop to grab a sandwich
Someone’s won Documentary Short for something; you don’t care, my mouths full, let’s never speak of it again. Oh, but she’s maybe going to cry, but the orchestra HAS to cut her off before that happens for not being famous enough. Proper documentary award now: and I love documentaries. Even then, never heard of most of these, the fantastic Touching the Void and Etre et Avoir (excuse the rubbish spelling) aren’t even nominated. So huff huff huff. And an obnoxious American fool has won, please get this un-charismatic oaf off the stage, even trying a little Michael Moore war comment.
Someone else has died, more trite remembrances. The magnificent Gregory Peck this time, though instead of just showing some of his wonderful performances we get an Academy suit stumbling over some auto-cued nonsense. I tell you, great show this year! It’s the big “You’d forgotten these people? Well now they’re dead” montage, get less and less familiar as they go on, I think the last one was just the camera man’s cat or something. And how did Charles Bronson and Elia Kazan get bunched together with the others, without as much as a mention in the other three main dead people tributes?
Sting and Phil Collins side by side, on one stage. Never has one of those cartoon styleee safe dropping form the sky moments had the potential to do so much good. Introducing best film score, Lord of the Rings nominated, but too obviously film scorey. Danny Elfman for Big Fish? No, more Lord of the Rings, despite the fact this is one of the few categories where it is far from disserving. Could we just give Peter Jackson a big box of Oscars now and all go home? Making up for lost time a little too obviously here.
Julianne Moore, excuse me while I come over all funny. All’s forgiven, what a ceremony. James Bond helping her with Editing award nominations (Lord of the Rings, despite the standout, though tastefully understated, work by Robin Scales in Johnny English), but who cares. Julianne Moore AND James Bond on one stage. Now there’s a treat. They could fight evil foreign people, solve all the world’s problems, and still be home to scrub up deliciously for an evening doing something cultural before a rugged work out on silk sheets.
OH MY EYES. Jamie-Lee Curtis fifteen years ago falling out of her blue dress, lovely. In 2004? SCAREY. Michael Myres would have been running the other way. But, introducing her very, very funny husband to perform a song from Mighty Wind nominated for Best Original Song. Horrid track, but from an excellent film nonetheless. These songs were far more bearable with Liv Tyler introducing, unfortunately Jamie-Lee returns to introduce a song from The Triplets of Bellevile, which is actually bearable, though I fear Ms. Curtis may return…
This is going to overrun by quite a lot, supposedly forty minutes to run, a whole mountain of awards to give to New Zealanders. Jack Black and Will Farrell doing lyrics to the “stop talking” music orchestral swell, magnificent! And now to give the Best Original Song Oscar to something awful. Oh, AND MORE LORD OF THE RINGS. Great movies, absolutely loved them, thought thoroughly sick of their acceptance speeches. Think we’re up to award eight now, and there’s got to be more. Could we get Jack Black back to shut Annie Lennox up please?
Best Foreign Language film – my money is on Lord of the Rings. CONTRAVERCY! Some mistake surely, The Barbarian Invasions wins, a Barbra Streisand look-alike accepts in a French monotone droll and a horrid dress. Talking of horrid dresses, Uma Thurman ladies and gentlemen, in a dress made of recycled plastic bottles, to present the Cinematography award. Ahhhh cinematography, that discipline that’s totally indivisible, totally unique to each production, totally unsuitable for an individual award, and the only people who pretend to really know what it means are, by a man, fools who’ll mumble some rubbish about the “look” and “lighting”. Master and Commander wins, an Aussie for a slight change.
Papa and Babs Copola up to, PLEASE, give the Adapted Screenplay award to City of God… but probably Lord of the Rings again. Yup, Lord of the Rings. I’ll re-iterate, I love the films, but this is getting dull. The one that isn’t Fran Walsh or Peter Jackson is wearing a cape though… a velvet cape… and Spiderman arrives to introduce the Seabiscut Best Picture montage… coincidence? I THINK NOT!
Spotting a theme for the evening, women falling out of their dresses you’d rather weren’t, Mrs Sarandon. Lost In Translation wins Best Original Screenplay, bizarrely as there is almost no dialogue, and what was there was open to improvisation. Fantastic movie, though almost totally because of the visuals and the acting. Ermmm… yes. Again, loved the movie, but not necessarily in this category.
Only two more Lord of the Rings nominations at least. Considering all the awards so far, you’d guess it was a certainty, but the Private Ryan/Shakespeare in Love shocker shows it doesn’t necessarily work like that. (Whoa! That was almost like a serious comment on the ceremony!) Four awards, twenty minutes, then blissful sleep.
Oh baby, Tom Crusie, ain’t he just the smoothest smoothe? Directing Oscar, I’m going to plump for a shocker, non-LOTR, out of sheer hope. What was I thinking? Everyone’s favourite chubby scarecrow wins, up to ten (I think) for LOTR overall for the night. Started off with brain eating, now got an Oscar. One more to tie with Titanic, what an honour… ahem.
(Aware of the over use of ellipses)
Adrain Brody hopefully has a briefer, scripted speech this year for the Best Actress nominations, which will go to Charlize Theron for being a pretty woman who made herself look ugly. Those please let Diane Keaton win for that bizarre outfit, and being one of my first movie memories when she was in Baby Boom. But, no, the make-up ALWAYS wins it for the ladies. This is going to be a cringe worthy acceptance, what a pile of garbage. So many more worthy actresses nominated, shut up shut up shut up Theron. An award for Kingsley or Depp would make it all good…
Best Actor, supposedly wrapped up for Sean Penn, which would be a bit of a disappointment. Depp was amazing, carrying a whole film with only Kira Knightly’s cleavage for assistance. That’s a huge amount of pressure on all three of them. I want him to win just for the irreverence of it; not one of the usual dreary, drama, trying-to-hard stereotyped Oscar performances; but the gay pirate. Then Bill Murray, the shy actor famed for hiding from the limelight acting his socks of as a shy actor hiding from the limelight. Ben Kingsley? Well worthy, not in Lord of the Rings, this seems to be a genuinely exciting category! AND Nicole Kidman to present the award, some bit are worth staying up for. But please, Johnny Depp. Please.
No. Sean Penn, the dull and predictable choice. YAWN. After promising nominations in both Leading Actress and Actor categories, they’ve really messed this up with the two stereotypical nods. And he hasn’t even bothered to think of anything to say, he’s standing on a stage in front of millions worldwide umming and ahhhhing. Very, very disappointing.
So, just got to give the Best Picture award to Lord of the Rings then we can call it a day. Eleven nominations, eleven Oscars, and the whole of Middle Earth up on stage. Nice end to a forgettable ceremony, but thank goodness it is at an end.
Lets never speak of this again.
(I’d like to thank Julianne Moore, Liv Tyler and Blake Edwards for brightening up an otherwise thoroughly dull event. And the people of New Zealand)
For the two who’ll remember, this is my second time in the hot seat; and sitting under this laptop for five hours I will be getting very warm. It’s quite simple; I watch the Oscars and type. A lot.
So who’s going to win? Who cares? Pointing at ugly dresses, cringing at over the top acceptance speeches and getting scared by Joan Rivers; that’s what it’s about. There’s also a rather out of the ordinary bunch of nominations this year: they’ve ignored Miramax’s big effort in Cold Mountain, nominated not one but two comedy performances in the best actor category and a thirteen year-old in a film no one watched for best actress.
Sean Connery kicks things off with the typical, “Movies ROCK!!! And heal all the World’s ills” opening speech. Gosh darn it! Aren’t you all just so special! Billy Crystal’s naked opening… lets not think about that. Would also like to quickly forget the overly long trail with Mr. Crystal inserted into lots of films with totally forgettable consequences. Bring back Steve Martin and his hilarious opening monologue, all’s forgiven. Oh dear… now he’s singing, less than five minutes in and I’m annoyed already.
And he just goes on…
And on…
He’s going to crack a joke any minute, you can’t go on for this long and miss every time…
Okay, it seems you can. And he just keeps singing. Clint Eastwood shouldn’t sit there and take that, you’re the Man with No Name for goodness sake!
Best supporting actor first, not exactly the most thrilling bunch on nominees. Tim Robbins has got to be the favourite, but Del Torro would be cool. Nice to see the guy from The Last Samurai nominated for managing to keep a straight face in the wake of Tom Cruise’s ego. Shock, gasp, Tim Robbins wins. Some whale hugging acceptance speech coming up no doubt. And he’s so thankful to most of the list of a hundred name’s he thanks he needs to read them off a piece of paper. Closes with some advice for victims of domestic violence, oh he’s a dear. I bet he always puts the seat down when he’s finished.
Gandalf scrubs up well, though for some reason has accessorised his tux with a pen on a chain around his neck. It’s the Lord of the Rings highlight reel for Best Picture, I reckon it’s either going to be a feast or a famine for those boys. Disserve an award just for the logistics, but who knows.
More Oscar time, Art Direction with Angie Jollie presenting in her trailer trash goes to the prom outfit. It’s the tattoo that adds the class, snakes just ooze sophistication. Oh, and Lord of the Rings wins, but it’s one of those awards no one really cares about so expect the orchestra to get in on those speeches early. Interesting thing is Peter Jackson still looks like he’s about to ask you for some spare change for a bottle of Strongbow when he has a tuxedo on. And in other crowd shots, Diane Keeton has come dressed as Charlie Chaplin.
Robin Williams presenting Best Animated feature. See what they’ve done there? Nominees: Brother Bear (making up the numbers), Finding Nemo (fantastic), Some French film (supposedly brilliant, though no ones really watched it). Joy, huzza, Finding Nemo wins, worth it just for the whale noises. Give Pixar another great shiny star, big tick, A+. Bet you Disney are really glad they lost those boys. Even a nice, sweet acceptance speech; Pixar can do no wrong. Interesting theory from Jonathan Ross in the breaks about the Art Direction as a portent for further awards: as no one knows anything about Art Direction they just pick their favourite film, or the one they’ll vote for in Best Picture too. Kind of falls apart when a number of the Best Film nominees aren’t up for that award…
Costume design intro includes the line “people with no clothes have little influence”. Ha! Not know any men? Anyway, dressing up, don’t you love those big awards that kick things off? Lord of the Rings again… can I take all that back? They are some fantastic costumes, especially the low neck lines on Liv Tyler. Pity they couldn’t sort Mr Jackson out for his big night, he’s obviously deep in preparation for his up coming role as King Kong.
MORE BILLY CRYSAL UNFUNNYNESS.
Scary guy from American Beauty with the Best Supporting Actress nominations; lots of films not out in the UK yet… I’ll stick the pin in Holly Hunter; dress by Armani, face by Avid Merian. Doh! Obviously going to be Rene Zwellweger for intense cruelly to a chicken, and the usual “we’ve ignored her lots before” Academy mentality (for veterans of last year’s Oscar coverage, note the lack of Rene hatred, me = so mature). Yup, and she’s going to cry… she’s going to cry… talking in broken bursts, but saying nothing to interesting and flying through a long, written list. Nothing says I love you like having to write your name down lest you forget.
Tom Hanks gets a bigger laugh in a throw away comment to the orchestra than Billy Crystal’s got all night. On to introduce a Bob Hope tribute; at the risk of sounding obsessed, Billy Crystal watch and learn. That’s how you host the Oscars! What a guy, and totally overlooked by The Academy until one of those annoying honorary ones late in the day.
Starskey and Owen Wilson presenting Live Action Short, and who cares about the award? Very funny introduction though! Two Soldiers wins, OH THE CONTRAVERSY! They’ll be talking about that one tomorrow. In fact, should give them another award for fastest reading out of names from a sheet, and all in a pink tie. AGHGHGHGHH and the gits have played the orchestra super loud to stop him. Hes just won an Oscar, let him have his moment for goodness sake! Best Animated Short now; and again, whose watched any of those? Who even cares about the winner, some Australian film, all the awards going south this year.
RARRRR! Liv Tyler wearing some dodgy glasses with a Bobby Charlton comb over… to introduce Sting. Well, take the highs with the lows. Is this all Sting does now though? Hides for 354 days a year, and then pops up with a dreary tune nominated in the Oscars. I’d quite like Billy Crystal back, that’s how fantastic the song is.
RARRRR! But Liv Tyler returns instead. More Cold Mountain music, more drudgery; but now featuring Elvis Costello, who should know better. It is actually worse than the String track, which takes some doing. Bit more Liv Tyler, yummiest of all the Elves, to introduce Annie Lennox… now there’s a cold shower. AND MORE RUBBISH MUSIC. Thanks goodness for an advert break, or back to the studio for the Beeb and lots of discussion about Ronnie Corbett, which I’m not even going to explain.
MORE BILLY CRYSTAL UNFUNNINESS. They’ve let him kill this eight times… ermmm… but I’ll admit, mildly amusing in the traditional “what are the star’s thinking” bit.
Will Smith and his teeny tiny wife needlessly explain what special effects are: you think Lord of the Rings might win? Not going to be many people in New Zealand who haven’t won pretty soon, or at least been thanked. Now a short montage of the ugly people who won awards for technical achievements. Had to hand them out weeks ago just to stop the pretty people getting hassled by the techie button pushers.
For some reason Jim Carey not only has a shaved head, but is also talking gibberish; and when he is intelligible, about catching his sister having sex… I have no idea. Finally gets round to introducing the brilliant Blake Edwards for an honorary award. Another of those guys who gets overlooked for having the audacity to make funny films rather than dramas, so you have to honour him after the fact. Pity the contrived skit with Jim Carey and a run away wheel chair has to sour the event! Brilliant acceptance speech though, a few great anecdotes rather than a hurried list, and ten times more feeling than any of the actors managed. Just dreading there going to ruin the moment with a hurry-up orchestra swell. But they didn’t, that was lovely, what a guy. I’m all happy again; ready to endure some more of the garbage we’ve had so far.
Make-Up Award, where they tragically overlooked Johnny English, not even a nomination! What cheek. Lord of the Rings wins for Liv Tyler’s amazing lips and a lot of big noses, beating the other two nominees Master and Commander and Pirates of the Caribbean… much like in at least two other awards tonight.
And on to some awfully clunky, over-rehearsed tripe from Sandra Bullock and John Travolta: YOU’RE ACTORS, THIS IS WHAT YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO. A conversation as yourself, it hardly requires an acting mega-performance. Lord of the Rings wins something else, I don’t even know what for. Ahh, Sound Mixing. That’s exactly what I though while leaving the cinema, “that sound was particularly well mixed”. Though, if anything, the Johnny English mix was slightly more subtle, and they didn’t even nominate that! Sound Editing goes to Master and Commander: you can just imagine the voters seeing the two categories needing ticks put in boxes and sharing them out. Honestly, some good awards coming up. But we have in injure Julia Roberts, with her Erin Brokovich trailer-trash hair first for the big night, to introduce a “Look who’s dead now!” montage.
One and a half hours to go, I’d forgotten the endurance aspect to this. I’m going to escape for under the laptop to grab a sandwich
Someone’s won Documentary Short for something; you don’t care, my mouths full, let’s never speak of it again. Oh, but she’s maybe going to cry, but the orchestra HAS to cut her off before that happens for not being famous enough. Proper documentary award now: and I love documentaries. Even then, never heard of most of these, the fantastic Touching the Void and Etre et Avoir (excuse the rubbish spelling) aren’t even nominated. So huff huff huff. And an obnoxious American fool has won, please get this un-charismatic oaf off the stage, even trying a little Michael Moore war comment.
Someone else has died, more trite remembrances. The magnificent Gregory Peck this time, though instead of just showing some of his wonderful performances we get an Academy suit stumbling over some auto-cued nonsense. I tell you, great show this year! It’s the big “You’d forgotten these people? Well now they’re dead” montage, get less and less familiar as they go on, I think the last one was just the camera man’s cat or something. And how did Charles Bronson and Elia Kazan get bunched together with the others, without as much as a mention in the other three main dead people tributes?
Sting and Phil Collins side by side, on one stage. Never has one of those cartoon styleee safe dropping form the sky moments had the potential to do so much good. Introducing best film score, Lord of the Rings nominated, but too obviously film scorey. Danny Elfman for Big Fish? No, more Lord of the Rings, despite the fact this is one of the few categories where it is far from disserving. Could we just give Peter Jackson a big box of Oscars now and all go home? Making up for lost time a little too obviously here.
Julianne Moore, excuse me while I come over all funny. All’s forgiven, what a ceremony. James Bond helping her with Editing award nominations (Lord of the Rings, despite the standout, though tastefully understated, work by Robin Scales in Johnny English), but who cares. Julianne Moore AND James Bond on one stage. Now there’s a treat. They could fight evil foreign people, solve all the world’s problems, and still be home to scrub up deliciously for an evening doing something cultural before a rugged work out on silk sheets.
OH MY EYES. Jamie-Lee Curtis fifteen years ago falling out of her blue dress, lovely. In 2004? SCAREY. Michael Myres would have been running the other way. But, introducing her very, very funny husband to perform a song from Mighty Wind nominated for Best Original Song. Horrid track, but from an excellent film nonetheless. These songs were far more bearable with Liv Tyler introducing, unfortunately Jamie-Lee returns to introduce a song from The Triplets of Bellevile, which is actually bearable, though I fear Ms. Curtis may return…
This is going to overrun by quite a lot, supposedly forty minutes to run, a whole mountain of awards to give to New Zealanders. Jack Black and Will Farrell doing lyrics to the “stop talking” music orchestral swell, magnificent! And now to give the Best Original Song Oscar to something awful. Oh, AND MORE LORD OF THE RINGS. Great movies, absolutely loved them, thought thoroughly sick of their acceptance speeches. Think we’re up to award eight now, and there’s got to be more. Could we get Jack Black back to shut Annie Lennox up please?
Best Foreign Language film – my money is on Lord of the Rings. CONTRAVERCY! Some mistake surely, The Barbarian Invasions wins, a Barbra Streisand look-alike accepts in a French monotone droll and a horrid dress. Talking of horrid dresses, Uma Thurman ladies and gentlemen, in a dress made of recycled plastic bottles, to present the Cinematography award. Ahhhh cinematography, that discipline that’s totally indivisible, totally unique to each production, totally unsuitable for an individual award, and the only people who pretend to really know what it means are, by a man, fools who’ll mumble some rubbish about the “look” and “lighting”. Master and Commander wins, an Aussie for a slight change.
Papa and Babs Copola up to, PLEASE, give the Adapted Screenplay award to City of God… but probably Lord of the Rings again. Yup, Lord of the Rings. I’ll re-iterate, I love the films, but this is getting dull. The one that isn’t Fran Walsh or Peter Jackson is wearing a cape though… a velvet cape… and Spiderman arrives to introduce the Seabiscut Best Picture montage… coincidence? I THINK NOT!
Spotting a theme for the evening, women falling out of their dresses you’d rather weren’t, Mrs Sarandon. Lost In Translation wins Best Original Screenplay, bizarrely as there is almost no dialogue, and what was there was open to improvisation. Fantastic movie, though almost totally because of the visuals and the acting. Ermmm… yes. Again, loved the movie, but not necessarily in this category.
Only two more Lord of the Rings nominations at least. Considering all the awards so far, you’d guess it was a certainty, but the Private Ryan/Shakespeare in Love shocker shows it doesn’t necessarily work like that. (Whoa! That was almost like a serious comment on the ceremony!) Four awards, twenty minutes, then blissful sleep.
Oh baby, Tom Crusie, ain’t he just the smoothest smoothe? Directing Oscar, I’m going to plump for a shocker, non-LOTR, out of sheer hope. What was I thinking? Everyone’s favourite chubby scarecrow wins, up to ten (I think) for LOTR overall for the night. Started off with brain eating, now got an Oscar. One more to tie with Titanic, what an honour… ahem.
(Aware of the over use of ellipses)
Adrain Brody hopefully has a briefer, scripted speech this year for the Best Actress nominations, which will go to Charlize Theron for being a pretty woman who made herself look ugly. Those please let Diane Keaton win for that bizarre outfit, and being one of my first movie memories when she was in Baby Boom. But, no, the make-up ALWAYS wins it for the ladies. This is going to be a cringe worthy acceptance, what a pile of garbage. So many more worthy actresses nominated, shut up shut up shut up Theron. An award for Kingsley or Depp would make it all good…
Best Actor, supposedly wrapped up for Sean Penn, which would be a bit of a disappointment. Depp was amazing, carrying a whole film with only Kira Knightly’s cleavage for assistance. That’s a huge amount of pressure on all three of them. I want him to win just for the irreverence of it; not one of the usual dreary, drama, trying-to-hard stereotyped Oscar performances; but the gay pirate. Then Bill Murray, the shy actor famed for hiding from the limelight acting his socks of as a shy actor hiding from the limelight. Ben Kingsley? Well worthy, not in Lord of the Rings, this seems to be a genuinely exciting category! AND Nicole Kidman to present the award, some bit are worth staying up for. But please, Johnny Depp. Please.
No. Sean Penn, the dull and predictable choice. YAWN. After promising nominations in both Leading Actress and Actor categories, they’ve really messed this up with the two stereotypical nods. And he hasn’t even bothered to think of anything to say, he’s standing on a stage in front of millions worldwide umming and ahhhhing. Very, very disappointing.
So, just got to give the Best Picture award to Lord of the Rings then we can call it a day. Eleven nominations, eleven Oscars, and the whole of Middle Earth up on stage. Nice end to a forgettable ceremony, but thank goodness it is at an end.
Lets never speak of this again.
(I’d like to thank Julianne Moore, Liv Tyler and Blake Edwards for brightening up an otherwise thoroughly dull event. And the people of New Zealand)
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Hedfix wrote:
> Perhaps we shall see more Swords and Sorcery movies cropping up.
Tell you what'd make a great film or film series...
The Legend of Zelda.
> Perhaps we shall see more Swords and Sorcery movies cropping up.
Tell you what'd make a great film or film series...
The Legend of Zelda.
Totoro wrote:
> That's pretty much what I thought of it too. Nice to look at and a
> nice atmosphere of Tokyo, but ultimatley a bit superficial.
> That Japanese talkshow host bit was the best bit of the film, and the
> photographer asking Bill Murray to pose like Roger Moore.
"you guys don't get sean connery? roger moore? ok roger moore."
Yes, the photo session was good but apart from that, not very impressed.
> That's pretty much what I thought of it too. Nice to look at and a
> nice atmosphere of Tokyo, but ultimatley a bit superficial.
> That Japanese talkshow host bit was the best bit of the film, and the
> photographer asking Bill Murray to pose like Roger Moore.
"you guys don't get sean connery? roger moore? ok roger moore."
Yes, the photo session was good but apart from that, not very impressed.
El Blokey wrote:
> From what I've heard the Virgin Suicides was a marvelous film with
> strong characters.
That film was just plain weird. It did have strong characters, but that was all that was good about it.
> From what I've heard the Virgin Suicides was a marvelous film with
> strong characters.
That film was just plain weird. It did have strong characters, but that was all that was good about it.
Stryke wrote:
> "Robbie Corbett has!"
Err.....Ronnie.
I'm glad they didn't talk about the films so much, films bore me. The Oscars is just something to watch at 3 am.
> "Robbie Corbett has!"
Err.....Ronnie.
I'm glad they didn't talk about the films so much, films bore me. The Oscars is just something to watch at 3 am.
brydon, ancona and mgowan pi**ed me off all night, they kept talking over each other, didnt have much to say about the films.
when are they going to understand that we arent impressed any more, with being able to sound like david beckham and their material is crap.
brydon is talented but he is not a stand up comedian.
when are they going to understand that we arent impressed any more, with being able to sound like david beckham and their material is crap.
brydon is talented but he is not a stand up comedian.
El Blokey wrote:
> Unfortunately I also thought that Lost in
> Translation was ninety minutes of nothing wrapped up in smart
> cinematography.
That's pretty much what I thought of it too. Nice to look at and a nice atmosphere of Tokyo, but ultimatley a bit superficial.
That Japanese talkshow host bit was the best bit of the film, and the photographer asking Bill Murray to pose like Roger Moore.
> Unfortunately I also thought that Lost in
> Translation was ninety minutes of nothing wrapped up in smart
> cinematography.
That's pretty much what I thought of it too. Nice to look at and a nice atmosphere of Tokyo, but ultimatley a bit superficial.
That Japanese talkshow host bit was the best bit of the film, and the photographer asking Bill Murray to pose like Roger Moore.
No, there's loads of twists.
Hedfix wrote:
> Perhaps we shall see more Swords and Sorcery movies cropping up.
>
> A decent trilogy of George R. R. Martin's "A song of Ice and
> Fire" would be good.
> Still the twists would really suit the medium of film.
--
1 twist. Once they'd killed Eddard Stark the books descend into how much prostitutes he can make Tyrion sleep with.
> Perhaps we shall see more Swords and Sorcery movies cropping up.
>
> A decent trilogy of George R. R. Martin's "A song of Ice and
> Fire" would be good.
> Still the twists would really suit the medium of film.
--
1 twist. Once they'd killed Eddard Stark the books descend into how much prostitutes he can make Tyrion sleep with.
Rob Brydon did, admittedly, boss it. Along with Woss. I wanted to hit McGowern all the way though. Then Woss put him in his place. Which was nice. The BBC commentary should've gone@
"I don't want LotR to win"
"Seen it then, Alistair?"
"No. I'm being pretentious and faux alternative."
"Much like Mystic River then?"
"...Yes."
(Woss turns to Stryke)
"Seen Mystic River then?"
"..No. I like making sarcastic comments."
"Much like Lost In Translation."
"...Yes."
"Thats crap."
(Woss turns to Goatboy)
"Seen Lost In Translation then?"
"...No. I like not liking what other people like. Go Sand of House and Fog!"
"Seen that?"
"..No."
"Robbie Corbett has!"
Depp/Murray, Del Toro should've won, any other year Sofia Coppola should've won, this makes me gay e.t.c
"I don't want LotR to win"
"Seen it then, Alistair?"
"No. I'm being pretentious and faux alternative."
"Much like Mystic River then?"
"...Yes."
(Woss turns to Stryke)
"Seen Mystic River then?"
"..No. I like making sarcastic comments."
"Much like Lost In Translation."
"...Yes."
"Thats crap."
(Woss turns to Goatboy)
"Seen Lost In Translation then?"
"...No. I like not liking what other people like. Go Sand of House and Fog!"
"Seen that?"
"..No."
"Robbie Corbett has!"
Depp/Murray, Del Toro should've won, any other year Sofia Coppola should've won, this makes me gay e.t.c
The best bit was Rob Brydon. "I wonder what Ronnie Corbett would have made of that"
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