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English_Bloke sits on the toilet at work, reading the latest issue of Big Jugs & Automatic Weapons when an alarm goes off.
English_Bloke - Cor, blimey!
English_Bloke struggles to get his pants up and out of the door. When he finally emerges from the bogs, toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe, the police station is empty. A note lies on the table. English_Bloke reads it.
"First time it was funny, now it's just annoying - get out the john quicker next time. Gone to stop a bank robbery, there's leftovers in the fridge".
English_Bloke - Oh, not again...
The lights go out, lightning strikes. If English_Bloke hadn't just been to the toilet, he would've filled his pants. The lights fade back up. Standing before English_Bloke are a small group of people - Mr Snuggly, Goatboy, loki, AfroJoe, Mystique, Timmargh, SHEEPY, Meka Dragon and monkey_man.
English_Bloke - What the heck? Who are you people?
Mr Snuggly - We are... the GAD Men!
*dramatic music*
Mystique - We fight crime.
English_Bloke - GAD Men? Isn't that a little un-PC? Shouldn't it be GAD people?
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, never thought of that...
Mystique - He's got a point, being a GAD man makes me sound like a bloke!
AfroJoe - Everyone thinks you're a bloke anyway.
English_Bloke - So, er... you wanna tell me what's going on, or do I arrest you all for wearing spandex in public?
Mr Snuggly - We need your help. Feared beardy villains Stryke and Insane Bartender have joined forces. Together, they can take over the entire country.
English_Bloke - Wait, you're all people from SR!
Mr Snuggly - Special Reserve is just a front for Tony's madcap plans for running a super hero team. We need a new member. We're hoping that new member will be you.
English_Bloke - I see. So what can you guys do? Clear buildings with a single leap? Tear car doors off? Turn invisible?
loki - Steady on, we're only the GAD Men!
English_Bloke - So what can you do?
Mr Snuggly - I can grow fur at will.
Mr Snuggly closes his eyes and becomes as cute and furry as a Care Bear. The fur disappears and he looks proud of himself.
English_Bloke - Nice. What about the rest of you?
Goatboy - I can turn into a goat!
English_Bloke - That's certainly... different.
Goatboy - And I've sussed the mind games women play! I'm now totally dateless, thanks to insulting all the women I meet!
English_Bloke - Er, you must be proud.
loki - I can levitate things with the power of my mind.
English_Bloke - What, like weapons, people and stuff?
loki - I'm currently working on pencils, but I'll be able to lift rulers any day now.
AfroJoe - I have the power of the 'fro.
English_Bloke - And what does that mean?
AfroJoe - Oh, er... no-one's ever asked me that before. That's a good question...
Mystique - I can't turn into other people.
English_Bloke - Excuse me? I thought you said you CAN'T turn into other people?
Mystique - That's right.
Timmargh - I can scream my own name, shattering windows.
English_Bloke - Bet that comes in handy.
SHEEPY - I can drink my own weight in beer.
English_Bloke - And how does that help fight crime?
SHEEPY - It doesn't. It's just a good way to get wasted.
Meka_Dragon - Oh, er, I'm super intelligent.
English_Bloke - Finally, something useful.
Meka_Dragon - Not really, I'm always locking myself out of SR towers.
monkey_man - I have all the powers of a monkey! I can climb trees, swing from branches... er, eat bananas... throw my faeces at people... er...
English_Bloke - Can any of you do anything half decent?
Mr Snuggly - Darkus, who you're replacing, could shoot lasers from his eyes.
English_Bloke - That's more like it! You could probably DO something with that.
Mr Snuggly - I guess, except he could never see where to shoot, he had to keep his eyes closed all the time otherwise he'd put holes in the walls.
English_Bloke - So, how did you get these powers?
Mr Snuggly - I was sprayed with radioactive waste.
loki - A mad scientist did crazy experiments on me.
monkey_man - I was bitten by a radioactive monkey.
AfroJoe - I was in space and hit by gamma rays.
Mystique - I was sent here as a baby from another planet, which was destroyed.
Timmargh - I was the chosen one.
Goatboy - My father was a goat.
SHEEPY - I spend too much time down the pub.
Meka_Dragon - I fell into the photocopier.
English_Bloke - Well, you certainly are a lowly bunch of nobodies who don't fit in anywhere. How do I join?
Snuggly whips out a contract the size of the bible and holds it under English_Bloke's nose.
Mr Snuggly - Just sign here. And here. And here. And here, here, here... and finally initial there. PIN number and bank account details there... And don't forget to sign the disclaimer, so if you're horrifically injured during your stint with us, you can't hold us responsible.
English_Bloke - Shouldn't I read this...?
Mr Snuggly - Well, you COULD, if you've got a few days to spare. But I'm sure you'd rather move straight to the fitting room to get your own snazzy costume.
English_Bloke - Ooh, ooh, ohh! Let's do that!
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty, then. Let's go.
The GAD Men rush out of the police station, across the road and up to a conked out old Corsa which Paradox: is standing by, trying to jimmy open the lock.
Mr Snuggly - Oi!
Paradox: turns and runs.
Mr Snuggly - One pint of Stella and the kid's trying to break into EVERYTHING!
English_Bloke - Good work, Snuggly! So where's our transport?
Mr Snuggly - Er... you're looking at it.
English_Bloke looks the D reg car up and down.
English_Bloke - A Corsa?
Mr Snuggly - The, er, the jet's in the garage. Let's go.
After five minutes of pushing and shoving, and several slaps from Mystique, the GAD Men squeeze into the car and drive off.
English_Bloke - Where are we going?
Mr Snuggly - We're taking to you see Tonty- I mean Tony. He is all wise and powerful and stuff. He can tell you what the crack is with Stryke and IB.
English_Bloke - Will I get any cool powers?
Mr Snuggly - No.
The overloaded cars struggles towards SR towers. After costume fitting, English_Bloke is taken before Tony, who sits in a wheelchair and looks omnipotent and stuff.
English_Bloke - Tony? I had no idea you were in a wheelchair!
Tony - What, this? No, I just like making the staffies push me around. Makes me feel like a big man. So, judging by the pink spandex you're wearing, I take it you agreed to join us? Don't bother answering, I'm psychic, I'm reading your mind right now. You seem to have a rather unhealthy obsession with male backup dancers... but never mind. As a policeman you are the most qualified of all SR users to join the GAD Men now that Darkus is dead- I mean gone. Actually, you weren't exactly the top of our list, in fact we even tried Games Girl before you, but that makes no difference - you are with us now.
Mr Snuggly - I told you he was all wise and stuff.
Tony - You must find and defeat the axis of evil known as Stryke and Insane Bartender. Together they can defy any government, commit any crime, bash any newbie. We thought Stryke had gone, but the evil lurking in his twisted Welsh soul has brought him back, and his allegiance with the Porn Trooper himself has us all worried. Their fortress is well guarded, with many confused newbies defending their masters, the task will not be easy.
English_Bloke - So what exactly are they doing? Pointing giant lasers at earth? Stealing nukes? Poisoning the water supplies?
Tony - Well, actually, we don't know. But they're bound to be up to SOMETHING; they're the axis of evil!
English_Bloke - That doesn't sound like a very good reason...
Tony - Yes, but we're looking forward to finding Stryke in a hole with a beard. Now get to it, before I put you under the illusion that you're a lemming and dump you near a cliff.
The GAD Men bow and file out of the large chamber.
Mr Snuggly - Let's do this thing...
monkey_man - Like it ain't been done before...
Goatboy - One for all and...
Mystique - Oh, crap, I forgot my line. Something to do with car tyres?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, forget it, let's just go.
The GAD Men pile back into the banged up Corsa and disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Mystique - Be careful, Snuggly, you've only got one point left on your licence!
After three hours of wrong directions and two speeding tickets, the Corsa arrives at a small house in the middle of a quiet street.
English_Bloke - What are we doing here? I thought we were going to Stryke and IB's fortress of doom?
Mr Snuggly - This is it.
English_Bloke looks at the house. A small bird lands on the roof and sings.
English_Bloke - Um...
The GAD Men fight their way out of the car and head up the drive way.
Mr Snuggly - Don't let this fool you, it's sort of a Tardis deal.
Mr Snuggly opens the front door, and they step inside. English_Bloke cannot believe his eyes, as he is now standing in a huge cave-like hallway, lit only by candles built into the walls. A chill sends shivers up and down his spine.
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry.
Mr Snuggly closes the door behind them.
Mr Snuggly - Bit draughty in here.
The GAD men start walking through the huge room, only able to see a few feet ahead of them.
AfroJoe - It's quiet... TOO quiet.
loki - Oh great, now you've gone and jinxed us!
Sure enough, dozens of Stryke and IB's guards emerge from the shadows. A stand off ensues.
Mr Snuggly - GAD Men, you know what to do.
Goatboy - Who died and made you leader? I say we get the hell out of here and pole some women. Oh, wait, they all hate me now...
The guards, all confused newbies, charge the GAD Men. A high pitched scream from Timmargh sends them flying in the opposite direction, as well as ensuring severe ear damage for everyone else. They regroup and charge again.
English_Bloke - Quick, loki, hurl those boulders at them!
loki lifts several pebbles from the ground with his mind and shoots them at the attacking newbies. They bounce harmlessly off their legs.
English_Bloke - Close, loki, close. Maybe next time.
As Meka Dragon frantically bashes at a calculator in an attempt to work out a way to defeat the newbies and SHEEPY pulls out a hip flask and starts furiously downing vodka, the rest of GAD Men scatter and engage in mortal combat with their attackers. Goatboy morphs into a goat and starts ramming their butts (ha ha, been waiting to say that for years - Goatboy rams butts, hur hur hur) as monkey_man starts cracking newbie skulls together, oohing and aahing like an over excited chimp with every strike. Mr Snuggly grows cute fur and the closest newbie stops and stares.
icky - Wow, look! That's so cute...
Mr Snuggly loses the fur and head buts him.
Mr Snuggly - I ain't that kind of guy.
Snuggly runs off to help loki as Mystique behotch slaps any newbies that try and look down her top. Timmargh screams his name again, sending everybody to the floor. English_Bloke whips out a foot long truncheon (ooh, I've got a dirty mind today) and starts busting skulls. AfroJoe's hair grows to ten times its original size, engulfing newbies in the 'fro of doom.
More and more newbie guards appear, and soon have our heroes surrounded.
Mr Snuggly - Looks like this is it!
Goatboy - Man, I could be writing about why TV sucks right now, instead I'm stuck with a bunch of blokes wearing spandex, about to get stamped to death by somebody with the mental capacity of a damp cloth.
Mystique - Hey, I'm not a bloke!
Meka Dragon shoots to his feet.
Meka Dragon - I've got it!
He holds the calculator up, all the newbies stare at it.
Meka Dragon - Look, newbies, you can spell "boobies" on a calculator!
The newbies become transfixed on the calculator. Some begin to drool. Meka Dragon throws the calculator away from the GAD Men and the newbies charge after it like a dim witted puppy after a stick.
Meka Dragon - Go!
The GAD Men rush down the hallway until they come to a door.
Mr Snuggly - Argh, this thing has Star Trek levels of security! Voice samples, fingerprints, retinal scan - we'd have more luck trying to get into the VIP section of Stringfellows.
Meka Dragon - We need Stryke to get in!
SHEEPY - What did you call me? Blarblurbleboop...
SHEEPY vomits.
Mystique - OK, I'd better NOT turn into Stryke and open the door.
English_Bloke - Why do you even keep her around...?
Mr Snuggly - Makes it look like we're fair employees, we've got a girl and a bloke in a wheelchair. If we didn't, the Daily Mail would be kicking down our door.
Mystique - Hey, my powers are better than yours!
English_Bloke - But you can't do anything! Hell, even *I* can't turn into other people!
Mr Snuggly - Timmargh, can you try and break it down?
Timmargh steps forward.
Timmargh - I can try. You might want to put your ear plugs in, though.
Everybody pulls out ear plugs and puts them in. Everyone but English_Bloke.
English_Bloke - Hey, where are m-
Timmargh - TIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The room shakes. Rock crumbles. The door melts away. English_Bloke's ears pop. Snuggly pulls his ear plugs out, waits for the echo to stop, then smiles.
Mr Snuggly - Good work, Timmargh. You OK, English_Bloke?
English_Bloke looks more than just a little... off. His legs nearly give way and Meka Dragon has to hold him up.
English_Bloke - I can see through time...
Mr Snuggly - Let's get going.
The GAD Men head through the door, stepping over SHEEPY's sick.
SHEEPY - I *burp*ing love you! You're my best mate, you are... blurgh.
Before them is a throne. Stryke sits, stroking his feeble attempty at a beard and looking smug.
Stryke - Hey, what is it this time?
Mr Snuggly - We know you're up to something evil, Stryke, we've even got faked documents to prove it!
Stryke rolls his eyes.
Stryke - Trying to finish what your dad started, eh, GAD Men?
Stryke clicks his fingers. Dozens of newbies appear.
Stryke - Attack, my grammatically confused slaves, attack!
The horde of newbies charge the GAD Men, who split up and start kicking spammer butt. Through the brawl, Insane Bartender appears.
English_Bloke - Porn Trooper! At last we meet.
Insane Bartender - Er... yeah. Prepare to die... whoever you are.
The bloke with a truncheon runs at the bloke with the bucket on his head. English_Bloke raises his truncheon and lops Insane Bartender's head off.
English_Bloke - That's odd...
The decapitated corpse slumps to the ground as English_Bloke picks up the helmet; it's empty.
English_Bloke - That just raises MORE questions!
English_Bloke drops the helmet and sees Stryke scurrying off through a hidden door.
English_Bloke - GAD Men, cover me! I'm going after Stryke.
Mr Snuggly pauses, his fist in mid air.
Mr Snuggly - What'd he say?!
Mystique - I dunno, something about being gay!
English_Bloke finds Stryke at the end of a corridor.
English_Bloke - Your evil plan is up, Stryke. Whatever it is.
Stryke - Jeez, you invade a country once and you're paying for it the rest of your life. Anyway, prepare to die, GAD man. As you can see, I'm holding a super charged laser gun.
English_Bloke - Where?
Stryke - Oh... hang on a minute.
Stryke digs around his evil, Welsh pockets. He produces a laser gun.
Stryke - Ha ha! Now you are mine!
Stryke pulls the trigger and English_Bloke enters bullet time. He dodges the laser and whacks Stryke over the head with his truncheon.
English_Bloke - Haaaaaa haaaaaa! IIIIIII diiiiiiiiiiid iiiiiiiiiit! Ohhhhhh, waaaaaaaiiiiit.... hooooooow doooooooo youuuuu tuuuuurrrn iiiiiiiit offfffffffffff?
Mr Snuggly appears.
Mr Snuggly - You did it, English! You got him! Now, quickly, help me plant some evidence.
Back at SR towers, Tony addresses his troops.
Tony - Well done, my GAD Men. Stryke is behind bars, and the wheels of justice are spinning at full speed to find him guilty of something. Well done to you especially, English_Bloke. Without your daring, we couldn't have done it.
English_Bloke - Yoooooooouuuuuuuu'reeeeee weeeeeeeeeeelcommmmmmmmmme.
English_Bloke - Cor, blimey!
English_Bloke struggles to get his pants up and out of the door. When he finally emerges from the bogs, toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe, the police station is empty. A note lies on the table. English_Bloke reads it.
"First time it was funny, now it's just annoying - get out the john quicker next time. Gone to stop a bank robbery, there's leftovers in the fridge".
English_Bloke - Oh, not again...
The lights go out, lightning strikes. If English_Bloke hadn't just been to the toilet, he would've filled his pants. The lights fade back up. Standing before English_Bloke are a small group of people - Mr Snuggly, Goatboy, loki, AfroJoe, Mystique, Timmargh, SHEEPY, Meka Dragon and monkey_man.
English_Bloke - What the heck? Who are you people?
Mr Snuggly - We are... the GAD Men!
*dramatic music*
Mystique - We fight crime.
English_Bloke - GAD Men? Isn't that a little un-PC? Shouldn't it be GAD people?
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, never thought of that...
Mystique - He's got a point, being a GAD man makes me sound like a bloke!
AfroJoe - Everyone thinks you're a bloke anyway.
English_Bloke - So, er... you wanna tell me what's going on, or do I arrest you all for wearing spandex in public?
Mr Snuggly - We need your help. Feared beardy villains Stryke and Insane Bartender have joined forces. Together, they can take over the entire country.
English_Bloke - Wait, you're all people from SR!
Mr Snuggly - Special Reserve is just a front for Tony's madcap plans for running a super hero team. We need a new member. We're hoping that new member will be you.
English_Bloke - I see. So what can you guys do? Clear buildings with a single leap? Tear car doors off? Turn invisible?
loki - Steady on, we're only the GAD Men!
English_Bloke - So what can you do?
Mr Snuggly - I can grow fur at will.
Mr Snuggly closes his eyes and becomes as cute and furry as a Care Bear. The fur disappears and he looks proud of himself.
English_Bloke - Nice. What about the rest of you?
Goatboy - I can turn into a goat!
English_Bloke - That's certainly... different.
Goatboy - And I've sussed the mind games women play! I'm now totally dateless, thanks to insulting all the women I meet!
English_Bloke - Er, you must be proud.
loki - I can levitate things with the power of my mind.
English_Bloke - What, like weapons, people and stuff?
loki - I'm currently working on pencils, but I'll be able to lift rulers any day now.
AfroJoe - I have the power of the 'fro.
English_Bloke - And what does that mean?
AfroJoe - Oh, er... no-one's ever asked me that before. That's a good question...
Mystique - I can't turn into other people.
English_Bloke - Excuse me? I thought you said you CAN'T turn into other people?
Mystique - That's right.
Timmargh - I can scream my own name, shattering windows.
English_Bloke - Bet that comes in handy.
SHEEPY - I can drink my own weight in beer.
English_Bloke - And how does that help fight crime?
SHEEPY - It doesn't. It's just a good way to get wasted.
Meka_Dragon - Oh, er, I'm super intelligent.
English_Bloke - Finally, something useful.
Meka_Dragon - Not really, I'm always locking myself out of SR towers.
monkey_man - I have all the powers of a monkey! I can climb trees, swing from branches... er, eat bananas... throw my faeces at people... er...
English_Bloke - Can any of you do anything half decent?
Mr Snuggly - Darkus, who you're replacing, could shoot lasers from his eyes.
English_Bloke - That's more like it! You could probably DO something with that.
Mr Snuggly - I guess, except he could never see where to shoot, he had to keep his eyes closed all the time otherwise he'd put holes in the walls.
English_Bloke - So, how did you get these powers?
Mr Snuggly - I was sprayed with radioactive waste.
loki - A mad scientist did crazy experiments on me.
monkey_man - I was bitten by a radioactive monkey.
AfroJoe - I was in space and hit by gamma rays.
Mystique - I was sent here as a baby from another planet, which was destroyed.
Timmargh - I was the chosen one.
Goatboy - My father was a goat.
SHEEPY - I spend too much time down the pub.
Meka_Dragon - I fell into the photocopier.
English_Bloke - Well, you certainly are a lowly bunch of nobodies who don't fit in anywhere. How do I join?
Snuggly whips out a contract the size of the bible and holds it under English_Bloke's nose.
Mr Snuggly - Just sign here. And here. And here. And here, here, here... and finally initial there. PIN number and bank account details there... And don't forget to sign the disclaimer, so if you're horrifically injured during your stint with us, you can't hold us responsible.
English_Bloke - Shouldn't I read this...?
Mr Snuggly - Well, you COULD, if you've got a few days to spare. But I'm sure you'd rather move straight to the fitting room to get your own snazzy costume.
English_Bloke - Ooh, ooh, ohh! Let's do that!
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty, then. Let's go.
The GAD Men rush out of the police station, across the road and up to a conked out old Corsa which Paradox: is standing by, trying to jimmy open the lock.
Mr Snuggly - Oi!
Paradox: turns and runs.
Mr Snuggly - One pint of Stella and the kid's trying to break into EVERYTHING!
English_Bloke - Good work, Snuggly! So where's our transport?
Mr Snuggly - Er... you're looking at it.
English_Bloke looks the D reg car up and down.
English_Bloke - A Corsa?
Mr Snuggly - The, er, the jet's in the garage. Let's go.
After five minutes of pushing and shoving, and several slaps from Mystique, the GAD Men squeeze into the car and drive off.
English_Bloke - Where are we going?
Mr Snuggly - We're taking to you see Tonty- I mean Tony. He is all wise and powerful and stuff. He can tell you what the crack is with Stryke and IB.
English_Bloke - Will I get any cool powers?
Mr Snuggly - No.
The overloaded cars struggles towards SR towers. After costume fitting, English_Bloke is taken before Tony, who sits in a wheelchair and looks omnipotent and stuff.
English_Bloke - Tony? I had no idea you were in a wheelchair!
Tony - What, this? No, I just like making the staffies push me around. Makes me feel like a big man. So, judging by the pink spandex you're wearing, I take it you agreed to join us? Don't bother answering, I'm psychic, I'm reading your mind right now. You seem to have a rather unhealthy obsession with male backup dancers... but never mind. As a policeman you are the most qualified of all SR users to join the GAD Men now that Darkus is dead- I mean gone. Actually, you weren't exactly the top of our list, in fact we even tried Games Girl before you, but that makes no difference - you are with us now.
Mr Snuggly - I told you he was all wise and stuff.
Tony - You must find and defeat the axis of evil known as Stryke and Insane Bartender. Together they can defy any government, commit any crime, bash any newbie. We thought Stryke had gone, but the evil lurking in his twisted Welsh soul has brought him back, and his allegiance with the Porn Trooper himself has us all worried. Their fortress is well guarded, with many confused newbies defending their masters, the task will not be easy.
English_Bloke - So what exactly are they doing? Pointing giant lasers at earth? Stealing nukes? Poisoning the water supplies?
Tony - Well, actually, we don't know. But they're bound to be up to SOMETHING; they're the axis of evil!
English_Bloke - That doesn't sound like a very good reason...
Tony - Yes, but we're looking forward to finding Stryke in a hole with a beard. Now get to it, before I put you under the illusion that you're a lemming and dump you near a cliff.
The GAD Men bow and file out of the large chamber.
Mr Snuggly - Let's do this thing...
monkey_man - Like it ain't been done before...
Goatboy - One for all and...
Mystique - Oh, crap, I forgot my line. Something to do with car tyres?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, forget it, let's just go.
The GAD Men pile back into the banged up Corsa and disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Mystique - Be careful, Snuggly, you've only got one point left on your licence!
After three hours of wrong directions and two speeding tickets, the Corsa arrives at a small house in the middle of a quiet street.
English_Bloke - What are we doing here? I thought we were going to Stryke and IB's fortress of doom?
Mr Snuggly - This is it.
English_Bloke looks at the house. A small bird lands on the roof and sings.
English_Bloke - Um...
The GAD Men fight their way out of the car and head up the drive way.
Mr Snuggly - Don't let this fool you, it's sort of a Tardis deal.
Mr Snuggly opens the front door, and they step inside. English_Bloke cannot believe his eyes, as he is now standing in a huge cave-like hallway, lit only by candles built into the walls. A chill sends shivers up and down his spine.
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry.
Mr Snuggly closes the door behind them.
Mr Snuggly - Bit draughty in here.
The GAD men start walking through the huge room, only able to see a few feet ahead of them.
AfroJoe - It's quiet... TOO quiet.
loki - Oh great, now you've gone and jinxed us!
Sure enough, dozens of Stryke and IB's guards emerge from the shadows. A stand off ensues.
Mr Snuggly - GAD Men, you know what to do.
Goatboy - Who died and made you leader? I say we get the hell out of here and pole some women. Oh, wait, they all hate me now...
The guards, all confused newbies, charge the GAD Men. A high pitched scream from Timmargh sends them flying in the opposite direction, as well as ensuring severe ear damage for everyone else. They regroup and charge again.
English_Bloke - Quick, loki, hurl those boulders at them!
loki lifts several pebbles from the ground with his mind and shoots them at the attacking newbies. They bounce harmlessly off their legs.
English_Bloke - Close, loki, close. Maybe next time.
As Meka Dragon frantically bashes at a calculator in an attempt to work out a way to defeat the newbies and SHEEPY pulls out a hip flask and starts furiously downing vodka, the rest of GAD Men scatter and engage in mortal combat with their attackers. Goatboy morphs into a goat and starts ramming their butts (ha ha, been waiting to say that for years - Goatboy rams butts, hur hur hur) as monkey_man starts cracking newbie skulls together, oohing and aahing like an over excited chimp with every strike. Mr Snuggly grows cute fur and the closest newbie stops and stares.
icky - Wow, look! That's so cute...
Mr Snuggly loses the fur and head buts him.
Mr Snuggly - I ain't that kind of guy.
Snuggly runs off to help loki as Mystique behotch slaps any newbies that try and look down her top. Timmargh screams his name again, sending everybody to the floor. English_Bloke whips out a foot long truncheon (ooh, I've got a dirty mind today) and starts busting skulls. AfroJoe's hair grows to ten times its original size, engulfing newbies in the 'fro of doom.
More and more newbie guards appear, and soon have our heroes surrounded.
Mr Snuggly - Looks like this is it!
Goatboy - Man, I could be writing about why TV sucks right now, instead I'm stuck with a bunch of blokes wearing spandex, about to get stamped to death by somebody with the mental capacity of a damp cloth.
Mystique - Hey, I'm not a bloke!
Meka Dragon shoots to his feet.
Meka Dragon - I've got it!
He holds the calculator up, all the newbies stare at it.
Meka Dragon - Look, newbies, you can spell "boobies" on a calculator!
The newbies become transfixed on the calculator. Some begin to drool. Meka Dragon throws the calculator away from the GAD Men and the newbies charge after it like a dim witted puppy after a stick.
Meka Dragon - Go!
The GAD Men rush down the hallway until they come to a door.
Mr Snuggly - Argh, this thing has Star Trek levels of security! Voice samples, fingerprints, retinal scan - we'd have more luck trying to get into the VIP section of Stringfellows.
Meka Dragon - We need Stryke to get in!
SHEEPY - What did you call me? Blarblurbleboop...
SHEEPY vomits.
Mystique - OK, I'd better NOT turn into Stryke and open the door.
English_Bloke - Why do you even keep her around...?
Mr Snuggly - Makes it look like we're fair employees, we've got a girl and a bloke in a wheelchair. If we didn't, the Daily Mail would be kicking down our door.
Mystique - Hey, my powers are better than yours!
English_Bloke - But you can't do anything! Hell, even *I* can't turn into other people!
Mr Snuggly - Timmargh, can you try and break it down?
Timmargh steps forward.
Timmargh - I can try. You might want to put your ear plugs in, though.
Everybody pulls out ear plugs and puts them in. Everyone but English_Bloke.
English_Bloke - Hey, where are m-
Timmargh - TIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The room shakes. Rock crumbles. The door melts away. English_Bloke's ears pop. Snuggly pulls his ear plugs out, waits for the echo to stop, then smiles.
Mr Snuggly - Good work, Timmargh. You OK, English_Bloke?
English_Bloke looks more than just a little... off. His legs nearly give way and Meka Dragon has to hold him up.
English_Bloke - I can see through time...
Mr Snuggly - Let's get going.
The GAD Men head through the door, stepping over SHEEPY's sick.
SHEEPY - I *burp*ing love you! You're my best mate, you are... blurgh.
Before them is a throne. Stryke sits, stroking his feeble attempty at a beard and looking smug.
Stryke - Hey, what is it this time?
Mr Snuggly - We know you're up to something evil, Stryke, we've even got faked documents to prove it!
Stryke rolls his eyes.
Stryke - Trying to finish what your dad started, eh, GAD Men?
Stryke clicks his fingers. Dozens of newbies appear.
Stryke - Attack, my grammatically confused slaves, attack!
The horde of newbies charge the GAD Men, who split up and start kicking spammer butt. Through the brawl, Insane Bartender appears.
English_Bloke - Porn Trooper! At last we meet.
Insane Bartender - Er... yeah. Prepare to die... whoever you are.
The bloke with a truncheon runs at the bloke with the bucket on his head. English_Bloke raises his truncheon and lops Insane Bartender's head off.
English_Bloke - That's odd...
The decapitated corpse slumps to the ground as English_Bloke picks up the helmet; it's empty.
English_Bloke - That just raises MORE questions!
English_Bloke drops the helmet and sees Stryke scurrying off through a hidden door.
English_Bloke - GAD Men, cover me! I'm going after Stryke.
Mr Snuggly pauses, his fist in mid air.
Mr Snuggly - What'd he say?!
Mystique - I dunno, something about being gay!
English_Bloke finds Stryke at the end of a corridor.
English_Bloke - Your evil plan is up, Stryke. Whatever it is.
Stryke - Jeez, you invade a country once and you're paying for it the rest of your life. Anyway, prepare to die, GAD man. As you can see, I'm holding a super charged laser gun.
English_Bloke - Where?
Stryke - Oh... hang on a minute.
Stryke digs around his evil, Welsh pockets. He produces a laser gun.
Stryke - Ha ha! Now you are mine!
Stryke pulls the trigger and English_Bloke enters bullet time. He dodges the laser and whacks Stryke over the head with his truncheon.
English_Bloke - Haaaaaa haaaaaa! IIIIIII diiiiiiiiiiid iiiiiiiiiit! Ohhhhhh, waaaaaaaiiiiit.... hooooooow doooooooo youuuuu tuuuuurrrn iiiiiiiit offfffffffffff?
Mr Snuggly appears.
Mr Snuggly - You did it, English! You got him! Now, quickly, help me plant some evidence.
Back at SR towers, Tony addresses his troops.
Tony - Well done, my GAD Men. Stryke is behind bars, and the wheels of justice are spinning at full speed to find him guilty of something. Well done to you especially, English_Bloke. Without your daring, we couldn't have done it.
English_Bloke - Yoooooooouuuuuuuu'reeeeee weeeeeeeeeeelcommmmmmmmmme.
Page:
English_Bloke sits on the toilet at work, reading the latest issue of Big Jugs & Automatic Weapons when an alarm goes off.
English_Bloke - Cor, blimey!
English_Bloke struggles to get his pants up and out of the door. When he finally emerges from the bogs, toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe, the police station is empty. A note lies on the table. English_Bloke reads it.
"First time it was funny, now it's just annoying - get out the john quicker next time. Gone to stop a bank robbery, there's leftovers in the fridge".
English_Bloke - Oh, not again...
The lights go out, lightning strikes. If English_Bloke hadn't just been to the toilet, he would've filled his pants. The lights fade back up. Standing before English_Bloke are a small group of people - Mr Snuggly, Goatboy, loki, AfroJoe, Mystique, Timmargh, SHEEPY, Meka Dragon and monkey_man.
English_Bloke - What the heck? Who are you people?
Mr Snuggly - We are... the GAD Men!
*dramatic music*
Mystique - We fight crime.
English_Bloke - GAD Men? Isn't that a little un-PC? Shouldn't it be GAD people?
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, never thought of that...
Mystique - He's got a point, being a GAD man makes me sound like a bloke!
AfroJoe - Everyone thinks you're a bloke anyway.
English_Bloke - So, er... you wanna tell me what's going on, or do I arrest you all for wearing spandex in public?
Mr Snuggly - We need your help. Feared beardy villains Stryke and Insane Bartender have joined forces. Together, they can take over the entire country.
English_Bloke - Wait, you're all people from SR!
Mr Snuggly - Special Reserve is just a front for Tony's madcap plans for running a super hero team. We need a new member. We're hoping that new member will be you.
English_Bloke - I see. So what can you guys do? Clear buildings with a single leap? Tear car doors off? Turn invisible?
loki - Steady on, we're only the GAD Men!
English_Bloke - So what can you do?
Mr Snuggly - I can grow fur at will.
Mr Snuggly closes his eyes and becomes as cute and furry as a Care Bear. The fur disappears and he looks proud of himself.
English_Bloke - Nice. What about the rest of you?
Goatboy - I can turn into a goat!
English_Bloke - That's certainly... different.
Goatboy - And I've sussed the mind games women play! I'm now totally dateless, thanks to insulting all the women I meet!
English_Bloke - Er, you must be proud.
loki - I can levitate things with the power of my mind.
English_Bloke - What, like weapons, people and stuff?
loki - I'm currently working on pencils, but I'll be able to lift rulers any day now.
AfroJoe - I have the power of the 'fro.
English_Bloke - And what does that mean?
AfroJoe - Oh, er... no-one's ever asked me that before. That's a good question...
Mystique - I can't turn into other people.
English_Bloke - Excuse me? I thought you said you CAN'T turn into other people?
Mystique - That's right.
Timmargh - I can scream my own name, shattering windows.
English_Bloke - Bet that comes in handy.
SHEEPY - I can drink my own weight in beer.
English_Bloke - And how does that help fight crime?
SHEEPY - It doesn't. It's just a good way to get wasted.
Meka_Dragon - Oh, er, I'm super intelligent.
English_Bloke - Finally, something useful.
Meka_Dragon - Not really, I'm always locking myself out of SR towers.
monkey_man - I have all the powers of a monkey! I can climb trees, swing from branches... er, eat bananas... throw my faeces at people... er...
English_Bloke - Can any of you do anything half decent?
Mr Snuggly - Darkus, who you're replacing, could shoot lasers from his eyes.
English_Bloke - That's more like it! You could probably DO something with that.
Mr Snuggly - I guess, except he could never see where to shoot, he had to keep his eyes closed all the time otherwise he'd put holes in the walls.
English_Bloke - So, how did you get these powers?
Mr Snuggly - I was sprayed with radioactive waste.
loki - A mad scientist did crazy experiments on me.
monkey_man - I was bitten by a radioactive monkey.
AfroJoe - I was in space and hit by gamma rays.
Mystique - I was sent here as a baby from another planet, which was destroyed.
Timmargh - I was the chosen one.
Goatboy - My father was a goat.
SHEEPY - I spend too much time down the pub.
Meka_Dragon - I fell into the photocopier.
English_Bloke - Well, you certainly are a lowly bunch of nobodies who don't fit in anywhere. How do I join?
Snuggly whips out a contract the size of the bible and holds it under English_Bloke's nose.
Mr Snuggly - Just sign here. And here. And here. And here, here, here... and finally initial there. PIN number and bank account details there... And don't forget to sign the disclaimer, so if you're horrifically injured during your stint with us, you can't hold us responsible.
English_Bloke - Shouldn't I read this...?
Mr Snuggly - Well, you COULD, if you've got a few days to spare. But I'm sure you'd rather move straight to the fitting room to get your own snazzy costume.
English_Bloke - Ooh, ooh, ohh! Let's do that!
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty, then. Let's go.
The GAD Men rush out of the police station, across the road and up to a conked out old Corsa which Paradox: is standing by, trying to jimmy open the lock.
Mr Snuggly - Oi!
Paradox: turns and runs.
Mr Snuggly - One pint of Stella and the kid's trying to break into EVERYTHING!
English_Bloke - Good work, Snuggly! So where's our transport?
Mr Snuggly - Er... you're looking at it.
English_Bloke looks the D reg car up and down.
English_Bloke - A Corsa?
Mr Snuggly - The, er, the jet's in the garage. Let's go.
After five minutes of pushing and shoving, and several slaps from Mystique, the GAD Men squeeze into the car and drive off.
English_Bloke - Where are we going?
Mr Snuggly - We're taking to you see Tonty- I mean Tony. He is all wise and powerful and stuff. He can tell you what the crack is with Stryke and IB.
English_Bloke - Will I get any cool powers?
Mr Snuggly - No.
The overloaded cars struggles towards SR towers. After costume fitting, English_Bloke is taken before Tony, who sits in a wheelchair and looks omnipotent and stuff.
English_Bloke - Tony? I had no idea you were in a wheelchair!
Tony - What, this? No, I just like making the staffies push me around. Makes me feel like a big man. So, judging by the pink spandex you're wearing, I take it you agreed to join us? Don't bother answering, I'm psychic, I'm reading your mind right now. You seem to have a rather unhealthy obsession with male backup dancers... but never mind. As a policeman you are the most qualified of all SR users to join the GAD Men now that Darkus is dead- I mean gone. Actually, you weren't exactly the top of our list, in fact we even tried Games Girl before you, but that makes no difference - you are with us now.
Mr Snuggly - I told you he was all wise and stuff.
Tony - You must find and defeat the axis of evil known as Stryke and Insane Bartender. Together they can defy any government, commit any crime, bash any newbie. We thought Stryke had gone, but the evil lurking in his twisted Welsh soul has brought him back, and his allegiance with the Porn Trooper himself has us all worried. Their fortress is well guarded, with many confused newbies defending their masters, the task will not be easy.
English_Bloke - So what exactly are they doing? Pointing giant lasers at earth? Stealing nukes? Poisoning the water supplies?
Tony - Well, actually, we don't know. But they're bound to be up to SOMETHING; they're the axis of evil!
English_Bloke - That doesn't sound like a very good reason...
Tony - Yes, but we're looking forward to finding Stryke in a hole with a beard. Now get to it, before I put you under the illusion that you're a lemming and dump you near a cliff.
The GAD Men bow and file out of the large chamber.
Mr Snuggly - Let's do this thing...
monkey_man - Like it ain't been done before...
Goatboy - One for all and...
Mystique - Oh, crap, I forgot my line. Something to do with car tyres?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, forget it, let's just go.
The GAD Men pile back into the banged up Corsa and disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Mystique - Be careful, Snuggly, you've only got one point left on your licence!
After three hours of wrong directions and two speeding tickets, the Corsa arrives at a small house in the middle of a quiet street.
English_Bloke - What are we doing here? I thought we were going to Stryke and IB's fortress of doom?
Mr Snuggly - This is it.
English_Bloke looks at the house. A small bird lands on the roof and sings.
English_Bloke - Um...
The GAD Men fight their way out of the car and head up the drive way.
Mr Snuggly - Don't let this fool you, it's sort of a Tardis deal.
Mr Snuggly opens the front door, and they step inside. English_Bloke cannot believe his eyes, as he is now standing in a huge cave-like hallway, lit only by candles built into the walls. A chill sends shivers up and down his spine.
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry.
Mr Snuggly closes the door behind them.
Mr Snuggly - Bit draughty in here.
The GAD men start walking through the huge room, only able to see a few feet ahead of them.
AfroJoe - It's quiet... TOO quiet.
loki - Oh great, now you've gone and jinxed us!
Sure enough, dozens of Stryke and IB's guards emerge from the shadows. A stand off ensues.
Mr Snuggly - GAD Men, you know what to do.
Goatboy - Who died and made you leader? I say we get the hell out of here and pole some women. Oh, wait, they all hate me now...
The guards, all confused newbies, charge the GAD Men. A high pitched scream from Timmargh sends them flying in the opposite direction, as well as ensuring severe ear damage for everyone else. They regroup and charge again.
English_Bloke - Quick, loki, hurl those boulders at them!
loki lifts several pebbles from the ground with his mind and shoots them at the attacking newbies. They bounce harmlessly off their legs.
English_Bloke - Close, loki, close. Maybe next time.
As Meka Dragon frantically bashes at a calculator in an attempt to work out a way to defeat the newbies and SHEEPY pulls out a hip flask and starts furiously downing vodka, the rest of GAD Men scatter and engage in mortal combat with their attackers. Goatboy morphs into a goat and starts ramming their butts (ha ha, been waiting to say that for years - Goatboy rams butts, hur hur hur) as monkey_man starts cracking newbie skulls together, oohing and aahing like an over excited chimp with every strike. Mr Snuggly grows cute fur and the closest newbie stops and stares.
icky - Wow, look! That's so cute...
Mr Snuggly loses the fur and head buts him.
Mr Snuggly - I ain't that kind of guy.
Snuggly runs off to help loki as Mystique behotch slaps any newbies that try and look down her top. Timmargh screams his name again, sending everybody to the floor. English_Bloke whips out a foot long truncheon (ooh, I've got a dirty mind today) and starts busting skulls. AfroJoe's hair grows to ten times its original size, engulfing newbies in the 'fro of doom.
More and more newbie guards appear, and soon have our heroes surrounded.
Mr Snuggly - Looks like this is it!
Goatboy - Man, I could be writing about why TV sucks right now, instead I'm stuck with a bunch of blokes wearing spandex, about to get stamped to death by somebody with the mental capacity of a damp cloth.
Mystique - Hey, I'm not a bloke!
Meka Dragon shoots to his feet.
Meka Dragon - I've got it!
He holds the calculator up, all the newbies stare at it.
Meka Dragon - Look, newbies, you can spell "boobies" on a calculator!
The newbies become transfixed on the calculator. Some begin to drool. Meka Dragon throws the calculator away from the GAD Men and the newbies charge after it like a dim witted puppy after a stick.
Meka Dragon - Go!
The GAD Men rush down the hallway until they come to a door.
Mr Snuggly - Argh, this thing has Star Trek levels of security! Voice samples, fingerprints, retinal scan - we'd have more luck trying to get into the VIP section of Stringfellows.
Meka Dragon - We need Stryke to get in!
SHEEPY - What did you call me? Blarblurbleboop...
SHEEPY vomits.
Mystique - OK, I'd better NOT turn into Stryke and open the door.
English_Bloke - Why do you even keep her around...?
Mr Snuggly - Makes it look like we're fair employees, we've got a girl and a bloke in a wheelchair. If we didn't, the Daily Mail would be kicking down our door.
Mystique - Hey, my powers are better than yours!
English_Bloke - But you can't do anything! Hell, even *I* can't turn into other people!
Mr Snuggly - Timmargh, can you try and break it down?
Timmargh steps forward.
Timmargh - I can try. You might want to put your ear plugs in, though.
Everybody pulls out ear plugs and puts them in. Everyone but English_Bloke.
English_Bloke - Hey, where are m-
Timmargh - TIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The room shakes. Rock crumbles. The door melts away. English_Bloke's ears pop. Snuggly pulls his ear plugs out, waits for the echo to stop, then smiles.
Mr Snuggly - Good work, Timmargh. You OK, English_Bloke?
English_Bloke looks more than just a little... off. His legs nearly give way and Meka Dragon has to hold him up.
English_Bloke - I can see through time...
Mr Snuggly - Let's get going.
The GAD Men head through the door, stepping over SHEEPY's sick.
SHEEPY - I *burp*ing love you! You're my best mate, you are... blurgh.
Before them is a throne. Stryke sits, stroking his feeble attempty at a beard and looking smug.
Stryke - Hey, what is it this time?
Mr Snuggly - We know you're up to something evil, Stryke, we've even got faked documents to prove it!
Stryke rolls his eyes.
Stryke - Trying to finish what your dad started, eh, GAD Men?
Stryke clicks his fingers. Dozens of newbies appear.
Stryke - Attack, my grammatically confused slaves, attack!
The horde of newbies charge the GAD Men, who split up and start kicking spammer butt. Through the brawl, Insane Bartender appears.
English_Bloke - Porn Trooper! At last we meet.
Insane Bartender - Er... yeah. Prepare to die... whoever you are.
The bloke with a truncheon runs at the bloke with the bucket on his head. English_Bloke raises his truncheon and lops Insane Bartender's head off.
English_Bloke - That's odd...
The decapitated corpse slumps to the ground as English_Bloke picks up the helmet; it's empty.
English_Bloke - That just raises MORE questions!
English_Bloke drops the helmet and sees Stryke scurrying off through a hidden door.
English_Bloke - GAD Men, cover me! I'm going after Stryke.
Mr Snuggly pauses, his fist in mid air.
Mr Snuggly - What'd he say?!
Mystique - I dunno, something about being gay!
English_Bloke finds Stryke at the end of a corridor.
English_Bloke - Your evil plan is up, Stryke. Whatever it is.
Stryke - Jeez, you invade a country once and you're paying for it the rest of your life. Anyway, prepare to die, GAD man. As you can see, I'm holding a super charged laser gun.
English_Bloke - Where?
Stryke - Oh... hang on a minute.
Stryke digs around his evil, Welsh pockets. He produces a laser gun.
Stryke - Ha ha! Now you are mine!
Stryke pulls the trigger and English_Bloke enters bullet time. He dodges the laser and whacks Stryke over the head with his truncheon.
English_Bloke - Haaaaaa haaaaaa! IIIIIII diiiiiiiiiiid iiiiiiiiiit! Ohhhhhh, waaaaaaaiiiiit.... hooooooow doooooooo youuuuu tuuuuurrrn iiiiiiiit offfffffffffff?
Mr Snuggly appears.
Mr Snuggly - You did it, English! You got him! Now, quickly, help me plant some evidence.
Back at SR towers, Tony addresses his troops.
Tony - Well done, my GAD Men. Stryke is behind bars, and the wheels of justice are spinning at full speed to find him guilty of something. Well done to you especially, English_Bloke. Without your daring, we couldn't have done it.
English_Bloke - Yoooooooouuuuuuuu'reeeeee weeeeeeeeeeelcommmmmmmmmme.
English_Bloke - Cor, blimey!
English_Bloke struggles to get his pants up and out of the door. When he finally emerges from the bogs, toilet paper stuck to the bottom of his shoe, the police station is empty. A note lies on the table. English_Bloke reads it.
"First time it was funny, now it's just annoying - get out the john quicker next time. Gone to stop a bank robbery, there's leftovers in the fridge".
English_Bloke - Oh, not again...
The lights go out, lightning strikes. If English_Bloke hadn't just been to the toilet, he would've filled his pants. The lights fade back up. Standing before English_Bloke are a small group of people - Mr Snuggly, Goatboy, loki, AfroJoe, Mystique, Timmargh, SHEEPY, Meka Dragon and monkey_man.
English_Bloke - What the heck? Who are you people?
Mr Snuggly - We are... the GAD Men!
*dramatic music*
Mystique - We fight crime.
English_Bloke - GAD Men? Isn't that a little un-PC? Shouldn't it be GAD people?
Mr Snuggly - Hmm, never thought of that...
Mystique - He's got a point, being a GAD man makes me sound like a bloke!
AfroJoe - Everyone thinks you're a bloke anyway.
English_Bloke - So, er... you wanna tell me what's going on, or do I arrest you all for wearing spandex in public?
Mr Snuggly - We need your help. Feared beardy villains Stryke and Insane Bartender have joined forces. Together, they can take over the entire country.
English_Bloke - Wait, you're all people from SR!
Mr Snuggly - Special Reserve is just a front for Tony's madcap plans for running a super hero team. We need a new member. We're hoping that new member will be you.
English_Bloke - I see. So what can you guys do? Clear buildings with a single leap? Tear car doors off? Turn invisible?
loki - Steady on, we're only the GAD Men!
English_Bloke - So what can you do?
Mr Snuggly - I can grow fur at will.
Mr Snuggly closes his eyes and becomes as cute and furry as a Care Bear. The fur disappears and he looks proud of himself.
English_Bloke - Nice. What about the rest of you?
Goatboy - I can turn into a goat!
English_Bloke - That's certainly... different.
Goatboy - And I've sussed the mind games women play! I'm now totally dateless, thanks to insulting all the women I meet!
English_Bloke - Er, you must be proud.
loki - I can levitate things with the power of my mind.
English_Bloke - What, like weapons, people and stuff?
loki - I'm currently working on pencils, but I'll be able to lift rulers any day now.
AfroJoe - I have the power of the 'fro.
English_Bloke - And what does that mean?
AfroJoe - Oh, er... no-one's ever asked me that before. That's a good question...
Mystique - I can't turn into other people.
English_Bloke - Excuse me? I thought you said you CAN'T turn into other people?
Mystique - That's right.
Timmargh - I can scream my own name, shattering windows.
English_Bloke - Bet that comes in handy.
SHEEPY - I can drink my own weight in beer.
English_Bloke - And how does that help fight crime?
SHEEPY - It doesn't. It's just a good way to get wasted.
Meka_Dragon - Oh, er, I'm super intelligent.
English_Bloke - Finally, something useful.
Meka_Dragon - Not really, I'm always locking myself out of SR towers.
monkey_man - I have all the powers of a monkey! I can climb trees, swing from branches... er, eat bananas... throw my faeces at people... er...
English_Bloke - Can any of you do anything half decent?
Mr Snuggly - Darkus, who you're replacing, could shoot lasers from his eyes.
English_Bloke - That's more like it! You could probably DO something with that.
Mr Snuggly - I guess, except he could never see where to shoot, he had to keep his eyes closed all the time otherwise he'd put holes in the walls.
English_Bloke - So, how did you get these powers?
Mr Snuggly - I was sprayed with radioactive waste.
loki - A mad scientist did crazy experiments on me.
monkey_man - I was bitten by a radioactive monkey.
AfroJoe - I was in space and hit by gamma rays.
Mystique - I was sent here as a baby from another planet, which was destroyed.
Timmargh - I was the chosen one.
Goatboy - My father was a goat.
SHEEPY - I spend too much time down the pub.
Meka_Dragon - I fell into the photocopier.
English_Bloke - Well, you certainly are a lowly bunch of nobodies who don't fit in anywhere. How do I join?
Snuggly whips out a contract the size of the bible and holds it under English_Bloke's nose.
Mr Snuggly - Just sign here. And here. And here. And here, here, here... and finally initial there. PIN number and bank account details there... And don't forget to sign the disclaimer, so if you're horrifically injured during your stint with us, you can't hold us responsible.
English_Bloke - Shouldn't I read this...?
Mr Snuggly - Well, you COULD, if you've got a few days to spare. But I'm sure you'd rather move straight to the fitting room to get your own snazzy costume.
English_Bloke - Ooh, ooh, ohh! Let's do that!
Mr Snuggly - Alrighty, then. Let's go.
The GAD Men rush out of the police station, across the road and up to a conked out old Corsa which Paradox: is standing by, trying to jimmy open the lock.
Mr Snuggly - Oi!
Paradox: turns and runs.
Mr Snuggly - One pint of Stella and the kid's trying to break into EVERYTHING!
English_Bloke - Good work, Snuggly! So where's our transport?
Mr Snuggly - Er... you're looking at it.
English_Bloke looks the D reg car up and down.
English_Bloke - A Corsa?
Mr Snuggly - The, er, the jet's in the garage. Let's go.
After five minutes of pushing and shoving, and several slaps from Mystique, the GAD Men squeeze into the car and drive off.
English_Bloke - Where are we going?
Mr Snuggly - We're taking to you see Tonty- I mean Tony. He is all wise and powerful and stuff. He can tell you what the crack is with Stryke and IB.
English_Bloke - Will I get any cool powers?
Mr Snuggly - No.
The overloaded cars struggles towards SR towers. After costume fitting, English_Bloke is taken before Tony, who sits in a wheelchair and looks omnipotent and stuff.
English_Bloke - Tony? I had no idea you were in a wheelchair!
Tony - What, this? No, I just like making the staffies push me around. Makes me feel like a big man. So, judging by the pink spandex you're wearing, I take it you agreed to join us? Don't bother answering, I'm psychic, I'm reading your mind right now. You seem to have a rather unhealthy obsession with male backup dancers... but never mind. As a policeman you are the most qualified of all SR users to join the GAD Men now that Darkus is dead- I mean gone. Actually, you weren't exactly the top of our list, in fact we even tried Games Girl before you, but that makes no difference - you are with us now.
Mr Snuggly - I told you he was all wise and stuff.
Tony - You must find and defeat the axis of evil known as Stryke and Insane Bartender. Together they can defy any government, commit any crime, bash any newbie. We thought Stryke had gone, but the evil lurking in his twisted Welsh soul has brought him back, and his allegiance with the Porn Trooper himself has us all worried. Their fortress is well guarded, with many confused newbies defending their masters, the task will not be easy.
English_Bloke - So what exactly are they doing? Pointing giant lasers at earth? Stealing nukes? Poisoning the water supplies?
Tony - Well, actually, we don't know. But they're bound to be up to SOMETHING; they're the axis of evil!
English_Bloke - That doesn't sound like a very good reason...
Tony - Yes, but we're looking forward to finding Stryke in a hole with a beard. Now get to it, before I put you under the illusion that you're a lemming and dump you near a cliff.
The GAD Men bow and file out of the large chamber.
Mr Snuggly - Let's do this thing...
monkey_man - Like it ain't been done before...
Goatboy - One for all and...
Mystique - Oh, crap, I forgot my line. Something to do with car tyres?
Mr Snuggly - Oh, forget it, let's just go.
The GAD Men pile back into the banged up Corsa and disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Mystique - Be careful, Snuggly, you've only got one point left on your licence!
After three hours of wrong directions and two speeding tickets, the Corsa arrives at a small house in the middle of a quiet street.
English_Bloke - What are we doing here? I thought we were going to Stryke and IB's fortress of doom?
Mr Snuggly - This is it.
English_Bloke looks at the house. A small bird lands on the roof and sings.
English_Bloke - Um...
The GAD Men fight their way out of the car and head up the drive way.
Mr Snuggly - Don't let this fool you, it's sort of a Tardis deal.
Mr Snuggly opens the front door, and they step inside. English_Bloke cannot believe his eyes, as he is now standing in a huge cave-like hallway, lit only by candles built into the walls. A chill sends shivers up and down his spine.
Mr Snuggly - Oh, sorry.
Mr Snuggly closes the door behind them.
Mr Snuggly - Bit draughty in here.
The GAD men start walking through the huge room, only able to see a few feet ahead of them.
AfroJoe - It's quiet... TOO quiet.
loki - Oh great, now you've gone and jinxed us!
Sure enough, dozens of Stryke and IB's guards emerge from the shadows. A stand off ensues.
Mr Snuggly - GAD Men, you know what to do.
Goatboy - Who died and made you leader? I say we get the hell out of here and pole some women. Oh, wait, they all hate me now...
The guards, all confused newbies, charge the GAD Men. A high pitched scream from Timmargh sends them flying in the opposite direction, as well as ensuring severe ear damage for everyone else. They regroup and charge again.
English_Bloke - Quick, loki, hurl those boulders at them!
loki lifts several pebbles from the ground with his mind and shoots them at the attacking newbies. They bounce harmlessly off their legs.
English_Bloke - Close, loki, close. Maybe next time.
As Meka Dragon frantically bashes at a calculator in an attempt to work out a way to defeat the newbies and SHEEPY pulls out a hip flask and starts furiously downing vodka, the rest of GAD Men scatter and engage in mortal combat with their attackers. Goatboy morphs into a goat and starts ramming their butts (ha ha, been waiting to say that for years - Goatboy rams butts, hur hur hur) as monkey_man starts cracking newbie skulls together, oohing and aahing like an over excited chimp with every strike. Mr Snuggly grows cute fur and the closest newbie stops and stares.
icky - Wow, look! That's so cute...
Mr Snuggly loses the fur and head buts him.
Mr Snuggly - I ain't that kind of guy.
Snuggly runs off to help loki as Mystique behotch slaps any newbies that try and look down her top. Timmargh screams his name again, sending everybody to the floor. English_Bloke whips out a foot long truncheon (ooh, I've got a dirty mind today) and starts busting skulls. AfroJoe's hair grows to ten times its original size, engulfing newbies in the 'fro of doom.
More and more newbie guards appear, and soon have our heroes surrounded.
Mr Snuggly - Looks like this is it!
Goatboy - Man, I could be writing about why TV sucks right now, instead I'm stuck with a bunch of blokes wearing spandex, about to get stamped to death by somebody with the mental capacity of a damp cloth.
Mystique - Hey, I'm not a bloke!
Meka Dragon shoots to his feet.
Meka Dragon - I've got it!
He holds the calculator up, all the newbies stare at it.
Meka Dragon - Look, newbies, you can spell "boobies" on a calculator!
The newbies become transfixed on the calculator. Some begin to drool. Meka Dragon throws the calculator away from the GAD Men and the newbies charge after it like a dim witted puppy after a stick.
Meka Dragon - Go!
The GAD Men rush down the hallway until they come to a door.
Mr Snuggly - Argh, this thing has Star Trek levels of security! Voice samples, fingerprints, retinal scan - we'd have more luck trying to get into the VIP section of Stringfellows.
Meka Dragon - We need Stryke to get in!
SHEEPY - What did you call me? Blarblurbleboop...
SHEEPY vomits.
Mystique - OK, I'd better NOT turn into Stryke and open the door.
English_Bloke - Why do you even keep her around...?
Mr Snuggly - Makes it look like we're fair employees, we've got a girl and a bloke in a wheelchair. If we didn't, the Daily Mail would be kicking down our door.
Mystique - Hey, my powers are better than yours!
English_Bloke - But you can't do anything! Hell, even *I* can't turn into other people!
Mr Snuggly - Timmargh, can you try and break it down?
Timmargh steps forward.
Timmargh - I can try. You might want to put your ear plugs in, though.
Everybody pulls out ear plugs and puts them in. Everyone but English_Bloke.
English_Bloke - Hey, where are m-
Timmargh - TIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMARRRRRRRRRRGH!
The room shakes. Rock crumbles. The door melts away. English_Bloke's ears pop. Snuggly pulls his ear plugs out, waits for the echo to stop, then smiles.
Mr Snuggly - Good work, Timmargh. You OK, English_Bloke?
English_Bloke looks more than just a little... off. His legs nearly give way and Meka Dragon has to hold him up.
English_Bloke - I can see through time...
Mr Snuggly - Let's get going.
The GAD Men head through the door, stepping over SHEEPY's sick.
SHEEPY - I *burp*ing love you! You're my best mate, you are... blurgh.
Before them is a throne. Stryke sits, stroking his feeble attempty at a beard and looking smug.
Stryke - Hey, what is it this time?
Mr Snuggly - We know you're up to something evil, Stryke, we've even got faked documents to prove it!
Stryke rolls his eyes.
Stryke - Trying to finish what your dad started, eh, GAD Men?
Stryke clicks his fingers. Dozens of newbies appear.
Stryke - Attack, my grammatically confused slaves, attack!
The horde of newbies charge the GAD Men, who split up and start kicking spammer butt. Through the brawl, Insane Bartender appears.
English_Bloke - Porn Trooper! At last we meet.
Insane Bartender - Er... yeah. Prepare to die... whoever you are.
The bloke with a truncheon runs at the bloke with the bucket on his head. English_Bloke raises his truncheon and lops Insane Bartender's head off.
English_Bloke - That's odd...
The decapitated corpse slumps to the ground as English_Bloke picks up the helmet; it's empty.
English_Bloke - That just raises MORE questions!
English_Bloke drops the helmet and sees Stryke scurrying off through a hidden door.
English_Bloke - GAD Men, cover me! I'm going after Stryke.
Mr Snuggly pauses, his fist in mid air.
Mr Snuggly - What'd he say?!
Mystique - I dunno, something about being gay!
English_Bloke finds Stryke at the end of a corridor.
English_Bloke - Your evil plan is up, Stryke. Whatever it is.
Stryke - Jeez, you invade a country once and you're paying for it the rest of your life. Anyway, prepare to die, GAD man. As you can see, I'm holding a super charged laser gun.
English_Bloke - Where?
Stryke - Oh... hang on a minute.
Stryke digs around his evil, Welsh pockets. He produces a laser gun.
Stryke - Ha ha! Now you are mine!
Stryke pulls the trigger and English_Bloke enters bullet time. He dodges the laser and whacks Stryke over the head with his truncheon.
English_Bloke - Haaaaaa haaaaaa! IIIIIII diiiiiiiiiiid iiiiiiiiiit! Ohhhhhh, waaaaaaaiiiiit.... hooooooow doooooooo youuuuu tuuuuurrrn iiiiiiiit offfffffffffff?
Mr Snuggly appears.
Mr Snuggly - You did it, English! You got him! Now, quickly, help me plant some evidence.
Back at SR towers, Tony addresses his troops.
Tony - Well done, my GAD Men. Stryke is behind bars, and the wheels of justice are spinning at full speed to find him guilty of something. Well done to you especially, English_Bloke. Without your daring, we couldn't have done it.
English_Bloke - Yoooooooouuuuuuuu'reeeeee weeeeeeeeeeelcommmmmmmmmme.
Wow, it's like you stalked me for a week and put my life down in text.
a few GAD men
A very entertaining item to peruse while supping one's tea :)
A foot long? Really?
A foot long? Really?
monkey_man wrote:
> Wow, it's like you stalked me for a week and put my life down in text.
-------
Right down to the throwing of poop? I thought so.
And yes, it's a foot long. Bloke has done a LOT of damage with that thing of his.
> Wow, it's like you stalked me for a week and put my life down in text.
-------
Right down to the throwing of poop? I thought so.
And yes, it's a foot long. Bloke has done a LOT of damage with that thing of his.
Heh, good stuff.
I rock!
I see you've worked out how to turn bullet time off, then. Or did the hourglass just run out?
mikelar wrote:
> a few GAD men
the good, the GAD and the ugly
> a few GAD men
the good, the GAD and the ugly
*laughs his ass off*
I love me. Er, I mean, it.
I love me. Er, I mean, it.
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