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I found this old script of mine on my server, from 2001 (april) and i thought "wow, thats old" as naff as it is though, it could have potential.
Remember I made this when I was young, so, be genlte, but here it is...
*******
INTRODUCTION
Becky: Welcome, This afternoon you have chosen to waste your time in a new way, You have chosen to come and see a Winterflood & Porter production.
The world has been over run by Foot and Mouth, By orders of Tony Blaire everyone who is not lying in field burning must live in giant bubble cities or bubble hotels, this is where our story takes place.
SCENE I
< enter James and Sam >
Sam: Bet you can’t down three curries.
James: I bet I can.
Sam: It’s hot.
James: I can handle hot.
Sam: It’s very hot.
James: What do you take me for, a wimp?
Sam: It’s hotter than Sarah Michelle-Gellar in a bikini!
James: That is hot!
< exit James and Sam >
< enter Mike and Jim >
Richard: Have you seen that Girl Becky?
Mike: Oh my God, what a looser!
Richard: Yeah, I know lets put mustard in her hotdog!
Mike: Yeah, no one would ever suspect it to be there!
< exit Mike and Jim >
< enter Holly and Becky >
Becky: Wow, what a cool place!
Holly: Yeah it is. Its massive isn’t it.
Becky: Lets check in.
Holly: Okay, look at the Kooky receptionist.
Becky: He gives me the shivers.
< enter James running and screaming with Sam walking behind him >
James: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: I warned you!
END OF SCENE I
SCENE II
< Holly and Becky at reception desk. Adam sitting behind it >
Adam: Hello and welcome to the Bubble Hotel, looks like a bubble but could be Hell. WWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( cheesy laugh)
Becky: Right…We’d like to book a room.
Holly: Were just friends, not lovers!
Adam: Okay, here’s your key. You’re in room 101, Don’t worry Paul Merton is out of town.
< Enter Richard and Mike >
Mike: Can we…
Adam: Here’s your key.
Mike: Thanks, I think?
Rich: Is that it, When you cast-ed me you said I had lines.
< exit Richard and Mike >
< enter Sam and James >
Adam: Here’s you’re…
James: Does this room have a TV?
Adam: Yes.
James: How about VCR?
Adam: Yes.
James: Two beds…NOT one!
Adam: Yes.
James: What about an AXE!
Adam: Mmm, no. Why would you want an axe?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you want an axe?
Adam: Good point, there all in my room at the moment.
Sam: Reeeeeeaaaallllly.
< exit Sam and James >
Adam: Is everyone here, O.K; everyone assemble into the lift please.
Adam: Going up.
Becky: Where’s Paul Merton?
Adam: I told you, he’s in Poland.
Sam: Isn’t it cold in Poland.
Adam: Wherever he is, it’s cold. ‘Cos he’s six feet under! Ooops! Erm, he’s down under.
James: I thought you said he was in Poland?
Adam: Listen son, if you don’t shut up you’ll be feeling the back of my hand across your chevy chase.
James: Sorry
Adam: Oh no, the bloody lifts stopped again, I knew I shouldn’t have thrown Paul Merton down the lift shaft.
Sam: Press all the buttons see if anything happens!
Sam: Something happened!
Holly: What?
Sam: All the… lift buttons… lit up.
Mike: Well that’s just great
Rich: Well I’ve been stiffed, I haven’t had any lines in this play so far.
Becky: Oh will you shut up about your lines, I die first for Gods sake
Sam: Jesus, Joseph and Mary, that’s blasphemy, we’re trying to keep this a PG.
Becky: oh good, the lifts moving again
Rich: why would you have a lift in a bubble anyway?
Rich: no guys, really, why would you have a lift? There aren’t even any stairs. This play is so low budget.
SCENE III
SPLIT SCREEN
Holly: Er, hello?
James: this is um, erm…he, he, he!
Sam: That’s no good, that wasn’t even funny. Let me do it.
Becky: Who is this?
Sam: Its um, erm…he, he, he!
Becky: Look, this isn’t even funny anymore!
Spooky Voice: I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Who is this?
Spooky Voice: If I tell you that it would give the whole play away! Lets just say…erm, I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Oh we’ve been cut off
Holly: 1471 it then.
Becky: Ok then.
Operator Voice: The telephone number ‘6…6…6’ called today at about 20 seconds ago, to return the call press 3.
Becky: Its ringing.
Spooky Voice: Hello?
Becky: we got cut off.
Spooky Voice: How did you get this number?
Becky: I did 1471
Spooky Voice: Dammitt, erm… could you hang up please
Becky: oh, OK.
Spooky Voice: could you not tell anyone about this please, I could loose my job.
Becky: Erm, OK.
Becky: Seems like a nice enough guy.
SCENE IV
Becky (as narrator): Later that evening
< everyone is sitting on the floor playing Cluedo >
Holly: I think it was Jim’s character, with the hacksaw in the kitchen.
James and Sam continue playing the game.
Becky: I’m just going to get a drink.
Adam: I better unlock the fridge for you then, follow me.
< exit Becky and Adam >
< Rich stands up >
Rich: I’m just going to the crapper.
Holly: Excuse me?
Rich: Sorry, Crape-a it’s French
< exit Rich >
< gang continue playing >
< Sam and James stand up >
Sam: I’m thirsty.
James: Lets get some beer.
Sam: See you in a minute.
Holly: Bye.
< exit Sam and James >
Mike: Quick, look at Sam’s cards!
< screams from background >
< Sam and James enter with fake leg and everyone else who left the room enter at the same time >
< Sam comes in eating the fake leg >
Sam: This meat from the fridge is really good. Could you tell me ( to Adam ) how you get this so tender?
Adam: I don’t know anything about that.
Mike: Isn’t that Becky’s shoe?
< Sam chews slowly on leg, looks up, >
Sam: How long were you going to let me eat this for?
< goes to chew again then realises and throws it away >
Sam: Oh my God! Someone killed Becky!
Mike: Freeze-frame!
< voice from backstage >
Becky: WHOOOOO KILLLED ME! Was it a) Kooky Receptionist Guy b) Sam
c) James or d) Rich, Audience on your keypads now please.
< all the actors pull out a keypad or phone >
Sam: wait minute guys, isn’t this material copy write-ed?
Mike: Un-Freeze-frame!
SCENE V
< Becky as narrator enters >
Becky: Much later that evening everyone is asleep. Holly is in the same room as The Kooky Receptionist Guy because she feels unsafe.
< Everyone is asleep in block to look like they are in separate rooms of two >
< James goes to the toilet, Sam goes to get a drink at different times and Rich is left alone with Mike and Adam goes to check who is making a drink >
< Adam and Sam confront in the kitchen >
Adam: How goes the night boy?
Sam: Ti’s late, the moon has set but I have not yet heard the knell.
Adam: Huh?
Sam: I’m getting a drink.
Adam: oh, right.
< both exit >
< James by a wall, doing pee, whistling tune to great escape whilst writing his name, Rich walks past >
Rich: You do know we have bathrooms.
James: Did Jesus use a bathroom? No. He pee’d on a wall, and that’s what I am going to do.
Rich: But you’re not the Son of God.
James: Shut up!
< back to Sam in the kitchen >
Sam: Is this a sandwich I see before me.
< eats the sandwich >
Sam: Yes it is. Mmm.
< everyone returns to bed >
SCENE VI
Becky: The next morning.
< Sam, James and Mike ( Very dead ) sitting on the sofa with Mike lying in-between Sam and James. No-one else is present >
James: Sam do you wanna beer?
Sam: Yeah, why not.
James: How about you Mike?
< silence >
James: Suit yourself.
Sam: Hang on a second, I think he might be dead.
James: That would explain why we had to drag him down the stairs.
< Holly walks in (stage right) >
Holly: That would also explain why he let me have his breakfast this morning.
< Holly walks out (stage left) >
Sam: Something fishy is going on round here.
James: I think it might be Becky.
< Sam sniffs Mike >
Sam: No, I think it might be Mike.
< Look at each other, look at the body, then each other again then run in different directions >
SCENE VII
< Sam, Holly, Rich and James are in a room. James holds up a bit of paper with ‘KILLER = KOOKY RECEPTIONIST GUY’ written on it, Mike still dead in background >
Holly: Don’t be so nasty Nick, I mean James.
< Adam comes in with lunch >
Adam: Lunch is served.
Holly: Erm, thanks.
< Adam leaves the room, the lights go out >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna die!!
< the lights go on >
Rich: Oh look no-ones dead. That’s good.
< lights go out again >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna… hang on, if no-one died last time, why would anyone die this time?
< lights go back on. Adam is lying dead in the middle of the floor >
Rich: Oh good no-one’s dead.
< everyone puts their food on the floor >
Sam: I don’t want to offend the guy but what if he poisoned the food?
Rich: Good point.
Holly: Shh, every be quiet I think he might be listening in on our conversation.
Sam: What a bast**d! No one mention we think he’s the killer, and slowly leave.
< everyone slowly walks towards the door but everyone falls everyone falls over
Adam >
James: ooo!
Sam: arh!
Holly: aaaaahhhhhhh!
Rich: ouch!
Rich: This guys dead!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Sam: I know that’s what I said
Holly: Shut up. I just worked out something.
Rich: What?
Holly: The killer must be in this room!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Holly: Lets not go into that again. Back to the point, the killer is in this room!
< Everyone looks at each other for a while then every one points at Sam in unison except James who points at Adam, Then at Holly, Everyone nods no, Points at Rich, Everyone nods no, Then to Mike STILL sitting on chair Points at Sam everyone nods yes. >
SCENE VIII
< Sam and Jim are dragging the dead bodies behind the curtain >
< Sam is dragging Becky and Rich is dragging Adam. Mike is laying on the floor >
Rich: I bet mine is heavier than yours.
Sam: I bet mines bigger than yours.
Rich: I mean the bodies.
Sam: < panics >I knew that, I’m off to go shower and get this blood off me.
Rich: O.K, don’t drop the soap
Sam: why Adam is dead now
Rich: good point but I think Dr Frith might be about, you can never be too safe
Sam: damn the evil maths department, Must they continue to make our life a misery?
Rich: some of the best times I had were in the maths department
Sam: yeah, you sat in the back row eating YORKIE’S™
Rich: yep…Oi!!!
< Exit Sam, Rich continues to drag bodies >
SCENE IX
< (Mike not Present) Sam goes behind curtain and starts throwing clothes out amongst the clothes is a thong. Queue psycho music. Killer behind curtain. There is a slight gap between the curtain with naked arm in. Then knife comes into the gap and stabs Sam. >
< Enter James >
James: Sam I need to use the shower!
< Rich emerges from behind the curtain >
James: So you’re the killer! Gotta go!
Rich: I’m gonna kill you.
James: I’m gonna kill you? Be more imaginative
Rich: I’m gonna prevent your heart from pumping blood around your body causing you brain to stop working and ending your life.
James: Very good
Rich: thanks
James: Your welcome Gotta Go!
< Chases James off the set >
SCENE X
< Enter James runs to Holly >
James: We have to run Rich is the killer
Holly: If its Rich then can’t we just walk.
James: No time for jokes just run. To the Batmobile!
Holly: Don’t you mean the escape submarine?
James: Yes.
< Play batman scene change tune from 70’s >
< James and Holly run to the curtain and pull it back, all the dead bodies are their >
James: So that’s where Sam and Rich put the dead bodies.
SCENE XI
< Holly and James are driving the submarine away >
Holly: Thank God we got out of there alive!
James: Yes.
< Rich comes from behind the dead bodies with a big axe >
Rich: DIE!!!
Holly: Okay this is getting stupid.
< Holly pulls out a handgun and shoots Rich >
James: You had that gun all along?
Holly: Yes.
Becky: THE END.
SCENE XII
< AFTER A SHORT PAUSE LUKE STEPS UP FOR FINAL THOUGHT >
< Mike centre stage all alone >
Mike: And now its time for Mike’s final thought.
< Looks to left as though to another camera >
Mike: Was this really the best way to end the play? Holly with a gun. What’s that all about? Also if Sam was killed in the shower naked, how did he end up in the sub fully dressed? Who dresses a dead corpse? What about putting the mustard in the hotdog? Whoever said that line was an idiot. If Becky had here leg severed why was it attached in scene seven. If it was supposed to be audience on the keypads then why did the actors vote? How did I manage to get onto the couch if I was dead!? What about The Kooky Receptionist being dead in the middle of the floor and no one managed to notice!? Mike’s Final thought?! What is that!? It’s just a fill for time!
< Gets script out >
Mike: Who wrote this crap!?
< Throws it across the room and leaves >
< Enter Mike >
Mike: The End.
< Walks off grumbling >
Remember I made this when I was young, so, be genlte, but here it is...
*******
INTRODUCTION
Becky: Welcome, This afternoon you have chosen to waste your time in a new way, You have chosen to come and see a Winterflood & Porter production.
The world has been over run by Foot and Mouth, By orders of Tony Blaire everyone who is not lying in field burning must live in giant bubble cities or bubble hotels, this is where our story takes place.
SCENE I
< enter James and Sam >
Sam: Bet you can’t down three curries.
James: I bet I can.
Sam: It’s hot.
James: I can handle hot.
Sam: It’s very hot.
James: What do you take me for, a wimp?
Sam: It’s hotter than Sarah Michelle-Gellar in a bikini!
James: That is hot!
< exit James and Sam >
< enter Mike and Jim >
Richard: Have you seen that Girl Becky?
Mike: Oh my God, what a looser!
Richard: Yeah, I know lets put mustard in her hotdog!
Mike: Yeah, no one would ever suspect it to be there!
< exit Mike and Jim >
< enter Holly and Becky >
Becky: Wow, what a cool place!
Holly: Yeah it is. Its massive isn’t it.
Becky: Lets check in.
Holly: Okay, look at the Kooky receptionist.
Becky: He gives me the shivers.
< enter James running and screaming with Sam walking behind him >
James: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: I warned you!
END OF SCENE I
SCENE II
< Holly and Becky at reception desk. Adam sitting behind it >
Adam: Hello and welcome to the Bubble Hotel, looks like a bubble but could be Hell. WWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( cheesy laugh)
Becky: Right…We’d like to book a room.
Holly: Were just friends, not lovers!
Adam: Okay, here’s your key. You’re in room 101, Don’t worry Paul Merton is
< Enter Richard and Mike >
Mike: Can we…
Adam: Here’s your key.
Mike: Thanks, I think?
Rich: Is that it, When you cast-ed me you said I had lines.
< exit Richard and Mike >
< enter Sam and James >
Adam: Here’s you’re…
James: Does this room have a TV?
Adam: Yes.
James: How about VCR?
Adam: Yes.
James: Two beds…NOT one!
Adam: Yes.
James: What about an AXE!
Adam: Mmm, no. Why would you want an axe?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you want an axe?
Adam: Good point, there all in my room at the moment.
Sam: Reeeeeeaaaallllly.
< exit Sam and James >
Adam: Is everyone here,
Adam: Going up.
Becky: Where’s Paul Merton?
Adam: I told you,
Sam: Isn’t it cold in Poland.
Adam: Wherever he is, it’s cold. ‘Cos he’s six feet under! Ooops! Erm, he’s down under.
James: I thought you said he was in Poland?
Adam: Listen son, if you don’t shut up you’ll be feeling the back of my hand across your chevy chase.
James: Sorry
Adam: Oh no, the bloody lifts stopped again, I knew I shouldn’t have thrown Paul Merton down the lift shaft.
Sam: Press all the buttons see if anything happens!
Sam: Something happened!
Holly: What?
Sam: All the… lift buttons… lit up.
Mike: Well that’s just great
Rich: Well I’ve been stiffed, I haven’t had any lines in this play so far.
Becky: Oh will you shut up about your lines, I die first for Gods sake
Sam: Jesus, Joseph and Mary, that’s blasphemy, we’re trying to keep this a PG.
Becky: oh good, the lifts moving again
Rich: why would you have a lift in a bubble anyway?
Rich: no guys, really, why would you have a lift? There aren’t even any stairs. This play is so low budget.
SCENE III
Holly: Er, hello?
James: this is um, erm…he, he, he!
Sam: That’s no good, that wasn’t even funny. Let me do it.
Becky: Who is this?
Sam: Its um, erm…he, he, he!
Becky: Look, this isn’t even funny anymore!
Spooky Voice: I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Who is this?
Spooky Voice: If I tell you that it would give the whole play away! Lets just say…erm, I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Oh we’ve been cut off
Holly: 1471 it then.
Becky: Ok then.
Operator Voice: The telephone number ‘6…6…6’ called today at about 20 seconds ago, to return the call press 3.
Becky: Its ringing.
Spooky Voice: Hello?
Becky: we got cut off.
Spooky Voice: How did you get this number?
Becky: I did 1471
Spooky Voice:
Becky: oh, OK.
Spooky Voice: could you not tell anyone about this please, I could loose my job.
Becky: Erm, OK.
Becky: Seems like a nice enough guy.
SCENE IV
Becky (as narrator): Later that evening
< everyone is sitting on the floor playing Cluedo >
Holly: I think it was Jim’s character, with the hacksaw in the kitchen.
James and Sam continue playing the game.
Becky: I’m just going to get a drink.
Adam: I better unlock the fridge for you then, follow me.
< exit Becky and Adam >
< Rich stands up >
Rich: I’m just going to the crapper.
Holly: Excuse me?
Rich: Sorry, Crape-a it’s French
< exit Rich >
< gang continue playing >
< Sam and James stand up >
Sam: I’m thirsty.
James: Lets get some beer.
Sam: See you in a minute.
Holly: Bye.
< exit Sam and James >
Mike: Quick, look at Sam’s cards!
< screams from background >
< Sam and James enter with fake leg and everyone else who left the room enter at the same time >
< Sam comes in eating the fake leg >
Sam: This meat from the fridge is really good. Could you tell me ( to Adam ) how you get this so tender?
Adam: I don’t know anything about that.
Mike: Isn’t that Becky’s shoe?
< Sam chews slowly on leg, looks up, >
Sam: How long were you going to let me eat this for?
< goes to chew again then realises and throws it away >
Sam: Oh my God! Someone killed Becky!
Mike: Freeze-frame!
< voice from backstage >
Becky: WHOOOOO KILLLED ME! Was it a) Kooky Receptionist Guy b) Sam
c) James or d) Rich, Audience on your keypads now please.
< all the actors pull out a keypad or phone >
Sam: wait minute guys, isn’t this material copy write-ed?
Mike:
SCENE V
< Becky as narrator enters >
Becky: Much later that evening everyone is asleep. Holly is in the same room as The Kooky Receptionist Guy because she feels unsafe.
< Everyone is asleep in block to look like they are in separate rooms of two >
< James goes to the toilet, Sam goes to get a drink at different times and Rich is left alone with Mike and Adam goes to check who is making a drink >
< Adam and Sam confront in the kitchen >
Adam: How goes the night boy?
Sam: Ti’s late, the moon has set but I have not yet heard the knell.
Adam: Huh?
Sam: I’m getting a drink.
Adam: oh, right.
< both exit >
< James by a wall, doing pee, whistling tune to great escape whilst writing his name, Rich walks past >
Rich: You do know we have bathrooms.
James: Did Jesus use a bathroom? No. He pee’d on a wall, and that’s what I am going to do.
Rich: But you’re not the Son of God.
James: Shut up!
< back to Sam in the kitchen >
Sam: Is this a sandwich I see before me.
< eats the sandwich >
Sam: Yes it is. Mmm.
< everyone returns to bed >
SCENE VI
Becky: The next morning.
< Sam, James and Mike ( Very dead ) sitting on the sofa with Mike lying in-between Sam and James. No-one else is present >
James: Sam do you wanna beer?
Sam: Yeah, why not.
James: How about you Mike?
< silence >
James: Suit yourself.
Sam: Hang on a second, I think he might be dead.
James: That would explain why we had to drag him down the stairs.
< Holly walks in (stage right) >
Holly: That would also explain why he let me have his breakfast this morning.
< Holly walks out (stage left) >
Sam: Something fishy is going on round here.
James: I think it might be Becky
< Sam sniffs Mike >
Sam: No, I think it might be Mike.
< Look at each other, look at the body, then each other again then run in different directions >
SCENE VII
< Sam, Holly, Rich and James are in a room. James holds up a bit of paper with ‘KILLER = KOOKY RECEPTIONIST GUY’ written on it, Mike still dead in background >
Holly: Don’t be so nasty Nick, I mean James.
< Adam comes in with lunch >
Adam: Lunch is served.
Holly: Erm, thanks.
< Adam leaves the room, the lights go out >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna die!!
< the lights go on >
Rich: Oh look no-ones dead. That’s good.
< lights go out again >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna… hang on, if no-one died last time, why would anyone die this time?
< lights go back on. Adam is lying dead in the middle of the floor >
Rich: Oh good no-one’s dead.
< everyone puts their food on the floor >
Sam: I don’t want to offend the guy but what if he poisoned the food?
Rich: Good point.
Holly: Shh, every be quiet I think he might be listening in on our conversation.
Sam: What a bast**d! No one mention we think he’s the killer, and slowly leave.
< everyone slowly walks towards the door but everyone falls everyone falls over
Adam >
James: ooo!
Sam: arh!
Holly: aaaaahhhhhhh!
Rich: ouch!
Rich: This guys dead!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Sam: I know that’s what I said
Holly: Shut up. I just worked out something.
Rich: What?
Holly: The killer must be in this room!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Holly: Lets not go into that again. Back to the point, the killer is in this room!
< Everyone looks at each other for a while then every one points at Sam in unison except James who points at Adam, Then at Holly, Everyone nods no, Points at Rich, Everyone nods no, Then to Mike STILL sitting on chair Points at Sam everyone nods yes. >
SCENE VIII
< Sam and Jim are dragging the dead bodies behind the curtain >
< Sam is dragging Becky and Rich is dragging Adam. Mike is laying on the floor >
Rich: I bet mine is heavier than yours.
Sam: I bet mines bigger than yours.
Rich: I mean the bodies.
Sam: < panics >I knew that, I’m off to go shower and get this blood off me.
Rich: O.K, don’t drop the soap
Sam: why Adam is dead now
Rich: good point but I think Dr Frith might be about, you can never be too safe
Sam: damn the evil maths department, Must they continue to make our life a misery?
Rich: some of the best times I had were in the maths department
Sam: yeah, you sat in the back row eating YORKIE’S™
Rich: yep…Oi!!!
< Exit Sam, Rich continues to drag bodies >
SCENE IX
< (Mike not Present) Sam goes behind curtain and starts throwing clothes out amongst the clothes is a thong. Queue psycho music. Killer behind curtain. There is a slight gap between the curtain with naked arm in. Then knife comes into the gap and stabs Sam. >
< Enter James >
James: Sam I need to use the shower!
< Rich emerges from behind the curtain >
James: So you’re the killer! Gotta go!
Rich: I’m gonna kill you.
James: I’m gonna kill you? Be more imaginative
Rich: I’m gonna prevent your heart from pumping blood around your body causing you brain to stop working and ending your life.
James: Very good
Rich: thanks
James: Your welcome
< Chases James off the set >
SCENE X
< Enter James runs to Holly >
James: We have to run Rich is the killer
Holly: If its Rich then can’t we just walk.
James: No time for jokes just run. To the Batmobile!
Holly: Don’t you mean the escape submarine?
James: Yes.
< Play batman scene change tune from 70’s >
< James and Holly run to the curtain and pull it back, all the dead bodies are their >
James: So that’s where Sam and Rich put the dead bodies.
SCENE XI
< Holly and James are driving the submarine away >
Holly: Thank God we got out of there alive!
James: Yes.
< Rich comes from behind the dead bodies with a big axe >
Rich: DIE!!!
Holly: Okay this is getting stupid.
< Holly pulls out a handgun and shoots Rich >
James: You had that gun all along?
Holly: Yes.
Becky: THE END.
SCENE XII
< AFTER A SHORT PAUSE LUKE STEPS UP FOR FINAL THOUGHT >
< Mike centre stage all alone >
Mike: And now its time for Mike’s final thought.
< Looks to left as though to another camera >
Mike: Was this really the best way to end the play? Holly with a gun. What’s that all about? Also if Sam was killed in the shower naked, how did he end up in the sub fully dressed? Who dresses a dead corpse? What about putting the mustard in the hotdog? Whoever said that line was an idiot. If Becky had here leg severed why was it attached in scene seven. If it was supposed to be audience on the keypads then why did the actors vote? How did I manage to get onto the couch if I was dead!? What about The Kooky Receptionist being dead in the middle of the floor and no one managed to notice!? Mike’s Final thought?! What is that!? It’s just a fill for time!
< Gets script out >
Mike: Who wrote this crap!?
< Throws it across the room and leaves >
< Enter Mike >
Mike: The End.
< Walks off grumbling >
Very good indeed.
Does that mean I read it more thoroughly?
Does that mean I read it more thoroughly?
ßreak†hrough wrote:
> Very good.Thanks. I thought it werent bad for a young mans imagination. I like the 29 veiws, and one person who bothered to readf it! Thanks for taking the time!
> Very good.Thanks. I thought it werent bad for a young mans imagination. I like the 29 veiws, and one person who bothered to readf it! Thanks for taking the time!
Very good.
I found this old script of mine on my server, from 2001 (april) and i thought "wow, thats old" as naff as it is though, it could have potential.
Remember I made this when I was young, so, be genlte, but here it is...
*******
INTRODUCTION
Becky: Welcome, This afternoon you have chosen to waste your time in a new way, You have chosen to come and see a Winterflood & Porter production.
The world has been over run by Foot and Mouth, By orders of Tony Blaire everyone who is not lying in field burning must live in giant bubble cities or bubble hotels, this is where our story takes place.
SCENE I
< enter James and Sam >
Sam: Bet you can’t down three curries.
James: I bet I can.
Sam: It’s hot.
James: I can handle hot.
Sam: It’s very hot.
James: What do you take me for, a wimp?
Sam: It’s hotter than Sarah Michelle-Gellar in a bikini!
James: That is hot!
< exit James and Sam >
< enter Mike and Jim >
Richard: Have you seen that Girl Becky?
Mike: Oh my God, what a looser!
Richard: Yeah, I know lets put mustard in her hotdog!
Mike: Yeah, no one would ever suspect it to be there!
< exit Mike and Jim >
< enter Holly and Becky >
Becky: Wow, what a cool place!
Holly: Yeah it is. Its massive isn’t it.
Becky: Lets check in.
Holly: Okay, look at the Kooky receptionist.
Becky: He gives me the shivers.
< enter James running and screaming with Sam walking behind him >
James: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: I warned you!
END OF SCENE I
SCENE II
< Holly and Becky at reception desk. Adam sitting behind it >
Adam: Hello and welcome to the Bubble Hotel, looks like a bubble but could be Hell. WWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( cheesy laugh)
Becky: Right…We’d like to book a room.
Holly: Were just friends, not lovers!
Adam: Okay, here’s your key. You’re in room 101, Don’t worry Paul Merton is out of town.
< Enter Richard and Mike >
Mike: Can we…
Adam: Here’s your key.
Mike: Thanks, I think?
Rich: Is that it, When you cast-ed me you said I had lines.
< exit Richard and Mike >
< enter Sam and James >
Adam: Here’s you’re…
James: Does this room have a TV?
Adam: Yes.
James: How about VCR?
Adam: Yes.
James: Two beds…NOT one!
Adam: Yes.
James: What about an AXE!
Adam: Mmm, no. Why would you want an axe?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you want an axe?
Adam: Good point, there all in my room at the moment.
Sam: Reeeeeeaaaallllly.
< exit Sam and James >
Adam: Is everyone here, O.K; everyone assemble into the lift please.
Adam: Going up.
Becky: Where’s Paul Merton?
Adam: I told you, he’s in Poland.
Sam: Isn’t it cold in Poland.
Adam: Wherever he is, it’s cold. ‘Cos he’s six feet under! Ooops! Erm, he’s down under.
James: I thought you said he was in Poland?
Adam: Listen son, if you don’t shut up you’ll be feeling the back of my hand across your chevy chase.
James: Sorry
Adam: Oh no, the bloody lifts stopped again, I knew I shouldn’t have thrown Paul Merton down the lift shaft.
Sam: Press all the buttons see if anything happens!
Sam: Something happened!
Holly: What?
Sam: All the… lift buttons… lit up.
Mike: Well that’s just great
Rich: Well I’ve been stiffed, I haven’t had any lines in this play so far.
Becky: Oh will you shut up about your lines, I die first for Gods sake
Sam: Jesus, Joseph and Mary, that’s blasphemy, we’re trying to keep this a PG.
Becky: oh good, the lifts moving again
Rich: why would you have a lift in a bubble anyway?
Rich: no guys, really, why would you have a lift? There aren’t even any stairs. This play is so low budget.
SCENE III
SPLIT SCREEN
Holly: Er, hello?
James: this is um, erm…he, he, he!
Sam: That’s no good, that wasn’t even funny. Let me do it.
Becky: Who is this?
Sam: Its um, erm…he, he, he!
Becky: Look, this isn’t even funny anymore!
Spooky Voice: I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Who is this?
Spooky Voice: If I tell you that it would give the whole play away! Lets just say…erm, I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Oh we’ve been cut off
Holly: 1471 it then.
Becky: Ok then.
Operator Voice: The telephone number ‘6…6…6’ called today at about 20 seconds ago, to return the call press 3.
Becky: Its ringing.
Spooky Voice: Hello?
Becky: we got cut off.
Spooky Voice: How did you get this number?
Becky: I did 1471
Spooky Voice: Dammitt, erm… could you hang up please
Becky: oh, OK.
Spooky Voice: could you not tell anyone about this please, I could loose my job.
Becky: Erm, OK.
Becky: Seems like a nice enough guy.
SCENE IV
Becky (as narrator): Later that evening
< everyone is sitting on the floor playing Cluedo >
Holly: I think it was Jim’s character, with the hacksaw in the kitchen.
James and Sam continue playing the game.
Becky: I’m just going to get a drink.
Adam: I better unlock the fridge for you then, follow me.
< exit Becky and Adam >
< Rich stands up >
Rich: I’m just going to the crapper.
Holly: Excuse me?
Rich: Sorry, Crape-a it’s French
< exit Rich >
< gang continue playing >
< Sam and James stand up >
Sam: I’m thirsty.
James: Lets get some beer.
Sam: See you in a minute.
Holly: Bye.
< exit Sam and James >
Mike: Quick, look at Sam’s cards!
< screams from background >
< Sam and James enter with fake leg and everyone else who left the room enter at the same time >
< Sam comes in eating the fake leg >
Sam: This meat from the fridge is really good. Could you tell me ( to Adam ) how you get this so tender?
Adam: I don’t know anything about that.
Mike: Isn’t that Becky’s shoe?
< Sam chews slowly on leg, looks up, >
Sam: How long were you going to let me eat this for?
< goes to chew again then realises and throws it away >
Sam: Oh my God! Someone killed Becky!
Mike: Freeze-frame!
< voice from backstage >
Becky: WHOOOOO KILLLED ME! Was it a) Kooky Receptionist Guy b) Sam
c) James or d) Rich, Audience on your keypads now please.
< all the actors pull out a keypad or phone >
Sam: wait minute guys, isn’t this material copy write-ed?
Mike: Un-Freeze-frame!
SCENE V
< Becky as narrator enters >
Becky: Much later that evening everyone is asleep. Holly is in the same room as The Kooky Receptionist Guy because she feels unsafe.
< Everyone is asleep in block to look like they are in separate rooms of two >
< James goes to the toilet, Sam goes to get a drink at different times and Rich is left alone with Mike and Adam goes to check who is making a drink >
< Adam and Sam confront in the kitchen >
Adam: How goes the night boy?
Sam: Ti’s late, the moon has set but I have not yet heard the knell.
Adam: Huh?
Sam: I’m getting a drink.
Adam: oh, right.
< both exit >
< James by a wall, doing pee, whistling tune to great escape whilst writing his name, Rich walks past >
Rich: You do know we have bathrooms.
James: Did Jesus use a bathroom? No. He pee’d on a wall, and that’s what I am going to do.
Rich: But you’re not the Son of God.
James: Shut up!
< back to Sam in the kitchen >
Sam: Is this a sandwich I see before me.
< eats the sandwich >
Sam: Yes it is. Mmm.
< everyone returns to bed >
SCENE VI
Becky: The next morning.
< Sam, James and Mike ( Very dead ) sitting on the sofa with Mike lying in-between Sam and James. No-one else is present >
James: Sam do you wanna beer?
Sam: Yeah, why not.
James: How about you Mike?
< silence >
James: Suit yourself.
Sam: Hang on a second, I think he might be dead.
James: That would explain why we had to drag him down the stairs.
< Holly walks in (stage right) >
Holly: That would also explain why he let me have his breakfast this morning.
< Holly walks out (stage left) >
Sam: Something fishy is going on round here.
James: I think it might be Becky.
< Sam sniffs Mike >
Sam: No, I think it might be Mike.
< Look at each other, look at the body, then each other again then run in different directions >
SCENE VII
< Sam, Holly, Rich and James are in a room. James holds up a bit of paper with ‘KILLER = KOOKY RECEPTIONIST GUY’ written on it, Mike still dead in background >
Holly: Don’t be so nasty Nick, I mean James.
< Adam comes in with lunch >
Adam: Lunch is served.
Holly: Erm, thanks.
< Adam leaves the room, the lights go out >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna die!!
< the lights go on >
Rich: Oh look no-ones dead. That’s good.
< lights go out again >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna… hang on, if no-one died last time, why would anyone die this time?
< lights go back on. Adam is lying dead in the middle of the floor >
Rich: Oh good no-one’s dead.
< everyone puts their food on the floor >
Sam: I don’t want to offend the guy but what if he poisoned the food?
Rich: Good point.
Holly: Shh, every be quiet I think he might be listening in on our conversation.
Sam: What a bast**d! No one mention we think he’s the killer, and slowly leave.
< everyone slowly walks towards the door but everyone falls everyone falls over
Adam >
James: ooo!
Sam: arh!
Holly: aaaaahhhhhhh!
Rich: ouch!
Rich: This guys dead!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Sam: I know that’s what I said
Holly: Shut up. I just worked out something.
Rich: What?
Holly: The killer must be in this room!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Holly: Lets not go into that again. Back to the point, the killer is in this room!
< Everyone looks at each other for a while then every one points at Sam in unison except James who points at Adam, Then at Holly, Everyone nods no, Points at Rich, Everyone nods no, Then to Mike STILL sitting on chair Points at Sam everyone nods yes. >
SCENE VIII
< Sam and Jim are dragging the dead bodies behind the curtain >
< Sam is dragging Becky and Rich is dragging Adam. Mike is laying on the floor >
Rich: I bet mine is heavier than yours.
Sam: I bet mines bigger than yours.
Rich: I mean the bodies.
Sam: < panics >I knew that, I’m off to go shower and get this blood off me.
Rich: O.K, don’t drop the soap
Sam: why Adam is dead now
Rich: good point but I think Dr Frith might be about, you can never be too safe
Sam: damn the evil maths department, Must they continue to make our life a misery?
Rich: some of the best times I had were in the maths department
Sam: yeah, you sat in the back row eating YORKIE’S™
Rich: yep…Oi!!!
< Exit Sam, Rich continues to drag bodies >
SCENE IX
< (Mike not Present) Sam goes behind curtain and starts throwing clothes out amongst the clothes is a thong. Queue psycho music. Killer behind curtain. There is a slight gap between the curtain with naked arm in. Then knife comes into the gap and stabs Sam. >
< Enter James >
James: Sam I need to use the shower!
< Rich emerges from behind the curtain >
James: So you’re the killer! Gotta go!
Rich: I’m gonna kill you.
James: I’m gonna kill you? Be more imaginative
Rich: I’m gonna prevent your heart from pumping blood around your body causing you brain to stop working and ending your life.
James: Very good
Rich: thanks
James: Your welcome Gotta Go!
< Chases James off the set >
SCENE X
< Enter James runs to Holly >
James: We have to run Rich is the killer
Holly: If its Rich then can’t we just walk.
James: No time for jokes just run. To the Batmobile!
Holly: Don’t you mean the escape submarine?
James: Yes.
< Play batman scene change tune from 70’s >
< James and Holly run to the curtain and pull it back, all the dead bodies are their >
James: So that’s where Sam and Rich put the dead bodies.
SCENE XI
< Holly and James are driving the submarine away >
Holly: Thank God we got out of there alive!
James: Yes.
< Rich comes from behind the dead bodies with a big axe >
Rich: DIE!!!
Holly: Okay this is getting stupid.
< Holly pulls out a handgun and shoots Rich >
James: You had that gun all along?
Holly: Yes.
Becky: THE END.
SCENE XII
< AFTER A SHORT PAUSE LUKE STEPS UP FOR FINAL THOUGHT >
< Mike centre stage all alone >
Mike: And now its time for Mike’s final thought.
< Looks to left as though to another camera >
Mike: Was this really the best way to end the play? Holly with a gun. What’s that all about? Also if Sam was killed in the shower naked, how did he end up in the sub fully dressed? Who dresses a dead corpse? What about putting the mustard in the hotdog? Whoever said that line was an idiot. If Becky had here leg severed why was it attached in scene seven. If it was supposed to be audience on the keypads then why did the actors vote? How did I manage to get onto the couch if I was dead!? What about The Kooky Receptionist being dead in the middle of the floor and no one managed to notice!? Mike’s Final thought?! What is that!? It’s just a fill for time!
< Gets script out >
Mike: Who wrote this crap!?
< Throws it across the room and leaves >
< Enter Mike >
Mike: The End.
< Walks off grumbling >
Remember I made this when I was young, so, be genlte, but here it is...
*******
INTRODUCTION
Becky: Welcome, This afternoon you have chosen to waste your time in a new way, You have chosen to come and see a Winterflood & Porter production.
The world has been over run by Foot and Mouth, By orders of Tony Blaire everyone who is not lying in field burning must live in giant bubble cities or bubble hotels, this is where our story takes place.
SCENE I
< enter James and Sam >
Sam: Bet you can’t down three curries.
James: I bet I can.
Sam: It’s hot.
James: I can handle hot.
Sam: It’s very hot.
James: What do you take me for, a wimp?
Sam: It’s hotter than Sarah Michelle-Gellar in a bikini!
James: That is hot!
< exit James and Sam >
< enter Mike and Jim >
Richard: Have you seen that Girl Becky?
Mike: Oh my God, what a looser!
Richard: Yeah, I know lets put mustard in her hotdog!
Mike: Yeah, no one would ever suspect it to be there!
< exit Mike and Jim >
< enter Holly and Becky >
Becky: Wow, what a cool place!
Holly: Yeah it is. Its massive isn’t it.
Becky: Lets check in.
Holly: Okay, look at the Kooky receptionist.
Becky: He gives me the shivers.
< enter James running and screaming with Sam walking behind him >
James: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: I warned you!
END OF SCENE I
SCENE II
< Holly and Becky at reception desk. Adam sitting behind it >
Adam: Hello and welcome to the Bubble Hotel, looks like a bubble but could be Hell. WWWWHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( cheesy laugh)
Becky: Right…We’d like to book a room.
Holly: Were just friends, not lovers!
Adam: Okay, here’s your key. You’re in room 101, Don’t worry Paul Merton is
< Enter Richard and Mike >
Mike: Can we…
Adam: Here’s your key.
Mike: Thanks, I think?
Rich: Is that it, When you cast-ed me you said I had lines.
< exit Richard and Mike >
< enter Sam and James >
Adam: Here’s you’re…
James: Does this room have a TV?
Adam: Yes.
James: How about VCR?
Adam: Yes.
James: Two beds…NOT one!
Adam: Yes.
James: What about an AXE!
Adam: Mmm, no. Why would you want an axe?
Sam: Why wouldn’t you want an axe?
Adam: Good point, there all in my room at the moment.
Sam: Reeeeeeaaaallllly.
< exit Sam and James >
Adam: Is everyone here,
Adam: Going up.
Becky: Where’s Paul Merton?
Adam: I told you,
Sam: Isn’t it cold in Poland.
Adam: Wherever he is, it’s cold. ‘Cos he’s six feet under! Ooops! Erm, he’s down under.
James: I thought you said he was in Poland?
Adam: Listen son, if you don’t shut up you’ll be feeling the back of my hand across your chevy chase.
James: Sorry
Adam: Oh no, the bloody lifts stopped again, I knew I shouldn’t have thrown Paul Merton down the lift shaft.
Sam: Press all the buttons see if anything happens!
Sam: Something happened!
Holly: What?
Sam: All the… lift buttons… lit up.
Mike: Well that’s just great
Rich: Well I’ve been stiffed, I haven’t had any lines in this play so far.
Becky: Oh will you shut up about your lines, I die first for Gods sake
Sam: Jesus, Joseph and Mary, that’s blasphemy, we’re trying to keep this a PG.
Becky: oh good, the lifts moving again
Rich: why would you have a lift in a bubble anyway?
Rich: no guys, really, why would you have a lift? There aren’t even any stairs. This play is so low budget.
SCENE III
Holly: Er, hello?
James: this is um, erm…he, he, he!
Sam: That’s no good, that wasn’t even funny. Let me do it.
Becky: Who is this?
Sam: Its um, erm…he, he, he!
Becky: Look, this isn’t even funny anymore!
Spooky Voice: I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Who is this?
Spooky Voice: If I tell you that it would give the whole play away! Lets just say…erm, I’m gonna kill you!
Becky: Oh we’ve been cut off
Holly: 1471 it then.
Becky: Ok then.
Operator Voice: The telephone number ‘6…6…6’ called today at about 20 seconds ago, to return the call press 3.
Becky: Its ringing.
Spooky Voice: Hello?
Becky: we got cut off.
Spooky Voice: How did you get this number?
Becky: I did 1471
Spooky Voice:
Becky: oh, OK.
Spooky Voice: could you not tell anyone about this please, I could loose my job.
Becky: Erm, OK.
Becky: Seems like a nice enough guy.
SCENE IV
Becky (as narrator): Later that evening
< everyone is sitting on the floor playing Cluedo >
Holly: I think it was Jim’s character, with the hacksaw in the kitchen.
James and Sam continue playing the game.
Becky: I’m just going to get a drink.
Adam: I better unlock the fridge for you then, follow me.
< exit Becky and Adam >
< Rich stands up >
Rich: I’m just going to the crapper.
Holly: Excuse me?
Rich: Sorry, Crape-a it’s French
< exit Rich >
< gang continue playing >
< Sam and James stand up >
Sam: I’m thirsty.
James: Lets get some beer.
Sam: See you in a minute.
Holly: Bye.
< exit Sam and James >
Mike: Quick, look at Sam’s cards!
< screams from background >
< Sam and James enter with fake leg and everyone else who left the room enter at the same time >
< Sam comes in eating the fake leg >
Sam: This meat from the fridge is really good. Could you tell me ( to Adam ) how you get this so tender?
Adam: I don’t know anything about that.
Mike: Isn’t that Becky’s shoe?
< Sam chews slowly on leg, looks up, >
Sam: How long were you going to let me eat this for?
< goes to chew again then realises and throws it away >
Sam: Oh my God! Someone killed Becky!
Mike: Freeze-frame!
< voice from backstage >
Becky: WHOOOOO KILLLED ME! Was it a) Kooky Receptionist Guy b) Sam
c) James or d) Rich, Audience on your keypads now please.
< all the actors pull out a keypad or phone >
Sam: wait minute guys, isn’t this material copy write-ed?
Mike:
SCENE V
< Becky as narrator enters >
Becky: Much later that evening everyone is asleep. Holly is in the same room as The Kooky Receptionist Guy because she feels unsafe.
< Everyone is asleep in block to look like they are in separate rooms of two >
< James goes to the toilet, Sam goes to get a drink at different times and Rich is left alone with Mike and Adam goes to check who is making a drink >
< Adam and Sam confront in the kitchen >
Adam: How goes the night boy?
Sam: Ti’s late, the moon has set but I have not yet heard the knell.
Adam: Huh?
Sam: I’m getting a drink.
Adam: oh, right.
< both exit >
< James by a wall, doing pee, whistling tune to great escape whilst writing his name, Rich walks past >
Rich: You do know we have bathrooms.
James: Did Jesus use a bathroom? No. He pee’d on a wall, and that’s what I am going to do.
Rich: But you’re not the Son of God.
James: Shut up!
< back to Sam in the kitchen >
Sam: Is this a sandwich I see before me.
< eats the sandwich >
Sam: Yes it is. Mmm.
< everyone returns to bed >
SCENE VI
Becky: The next morning.
< Sam, James and Mike ( Very dead ) sitting on the sofa with Mike lying in-between Sam and James. No-one else is present >
James: Sam do you wanna beer?
Sam: Yeah, why not.
James: How about you Mike?
< silence >
James: Suit yourself.
Sam: Hang on a second, I think he might be dead.
James: That would explain why we had to drag him down the stairs.
< Holly walks in (stage right) >
Holly: That would also explain why he let me have his breakfast this morning.
< Holly walks out (stage left) >
Sam: Something fishy is going on round here.
James: I think it might be Becky
< Sam sniffs Mike >
Sam: No, I think it might be Mike.
< Look at each other, look at the body, then each other again then run in different directions >
SCENE VII
< Sam, Holly, Rich and James are in a room. James holds up a bit of paper with ‘KILLER = KOOKY RECEPTIONIST GUY’ written on it, Mike still dead in background >
Holly: Don’t be so nasty Nick, I mean James.
< Adam comes in with lunch >
Adam: Lunch is served.
Holly: Erm, thanks.
< Adam leaves the room, the lights go out >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna die!!
< the lights go on >
Rich: Oh look no-ones dead. That’s good.
< lights go out again >
Holly: Oh my God, someone’s gonna… hang on, if no-one died last time, why would anyone die this time?
< lights go back on. Adam is lying dead in the middle of the floor >
Rich: Oh good no-one’s dead.
< everyone puts their food on the floor >
Sam: I don’t want to offend the guy but what if he poisoned the food?
Rich: Good point.
Holly: Shh, every be quiet I think he might be listening in on our conversation.
Sam: What a bast**d! No one mention we think he’s the killer, and slowly leave.
< everyone slowly walks towards the door but everyone falls everyone falls over
Adam >
James: ooo!
Sam: arh!
Holly: aaaaahhhhhhh!
Rich: ouch!
Rich: This guys dead!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Sam: I know that’s what I said
Holly: Shut up. I just worked out something.
Rich: What?
Holly: The killer must be in this room!
Sam: You don’t say.
James: He just did.
Holly: Lets not go into that again. Back to the point, the killer is in this room!
< Everyone looks at each other for a while then every one points at Sam in unison except James who points at Adam, Then at Holly, Everyone nods no, Points at Rich, Everyone nods no, Then to Mike STILL sitting on chair Points at Sam everyone nods yes. >
SCENE VIII
< Sam and Jim are dragging the dead bodies behind the curtain >
< Sam is dragging Becky and Rich is dragging Adam. Mike is laying on the floor >
Rich: I bet mine is heavier than yours.
Sam: I bet mines bigger than yours.
Rich: I mean the bodies.
Sam: < panics >I knew that, I’m off to go shower and get this blood off me.
Rich: O.K, don’t drop the soap
Sam: why Adam is dead now
Rich: good point but I think Dr Frith might be about, you can never be too safe
Sam: damn the evil maths department, Must they continue to make our life a misery?
Rich: some of the best times I had were in the maths department
Sam: yeah, you sat in the back row eating YORKIE’S™
Rich: yep…Oi!!!
< Exit Sam, Rich continues to drag bodies >
SCENE IX
< (Mike not Present) Sam goes behind curtain and starts throwing clothes out amongst the clothes is a thong. Queue psycho music. Killer behind curtain. There is a slight gap between the curtain with naked arm in. Then knife comes into the gap and stabs Sam. >
< Enter James >
James: Sam I need to use the shower!
< Rich emerges from behind the curtain >
James: So you’re the killer! Gotta go!
Rich: I’m gonna kill you.
James: I’m gonna kill you? Be more imaginative
Rich: I’m gonna prevent your heart from pumping blood around your body causing you brain to stop working and ending your life.
James: Very good
Rich: thanks
James: Your welcome
< Chases James off the set >
SCENE X
< Enter James runs to Holly >
James: We have to run Rich is the killer
Holly: If its Rich then can’t we just walk.
James: No time for jokes just run. To the Batmobile!
Holly: Don’t you mean the escape submarine?
James: Yes.
< Play batman scene change tune from 70’s >
< James and Holly run to the curtain and pull it back, all the dead bodies are their >
James: So that’s where Sam and Rich put the dead bodies.
SCENE XI
< Holly and James are driving the submarine away >
Holly: Thank God we got out of there alive!
James: Yes.
< Rich comes from behind the dead bodies with a big axe >
Rich: DIE!!!
Holly: Okay this is getting stupid.
< Holly pulls out a handgun and shoots Rich >
James: You had that gun all along?
Holly: Yes.
Becky: THE END.
SCENE XII
< AFTER A SHORT PAUSE LUKE STEPS UP FOR FINAL THOUGHT >
< Mike centre stage all alone >
Mike: And now its time for Mike’s final thought.
< Looks to left as though to another camera >
Mike: Was this really the best way to end the play? Holly with a gun. What’s that all about? Also if Sam was killed in the shower naked, how did he end up in the sub fully dressed? Who dresses a dead corpse? What about putting the mustard in the hotdog? Whoever said that line was an idiot. If Becky had here leg severed why was it attached in scene seven. If it was supposed to be audience on the keypads then why did the actors vote? How did I manage to get onto the couch if I was dead!? What about The Kooky Receptionist being dead in the middle of the floor and no one managed to notice!? Mike’s Final thought?! What is that!? It’s just a fill for time!
< Gets script out >
Mike: Who wrote this crap!?
< Throws it across the room and leaves >
< Enter Mike >
Mike: The End.
< Walks off grumbling >