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“If the parrot hadn’t died at that exact moment, I think we would have been alright. All of that planning, those late nights spent studying blueprints, the careful planning, it had taken us almost all of the way, and then Captain Squawks had to go and ruin it all by snuffing it. Sorry, I can see you look confused, let me take you back to the beginning.
The carnival was coming to town, with it’s fairground attractions and parades through the city. I knew that the police resources would be stretched, so I planned to rob one of the city banks. Ambitious? Yeah, maybe, but these opportunities don’t come along often, and it’s taking these opportunities that makes the difference between the rich man, and the poor.
I knew a bloke who had worked for a security company, Roger, and he had worked at the bank we planned to rob. He owed me a favour after the Mulligan incident, so he filled me in on the security at the bank. He told me that overnight the place was unmanned, but it was alarmed, though not to a great standard. Then there were the security cameras. These were monitored from a central location that looked after a number of different sites. But the real problem was going to be getting into the main vault, this was on a key and voice activation mechanism, and would only open if they heard the voice of the Bank Manager, one Mr Frank Descarte, and if the key was inserted at the same time. Nothing too taxing, apart from the voice activation thing, but I’m not a man that gives up easy, so I went ahead with forming the plan.
I rounded up the usual suspects to see if they’d be interested in giving me a hand with this little project. Now these associates of mine, they know a good thing when they see it, they were all good blokes, and I’d done other, smaller jobs with them before. Me and Benny turned over a couple of bookies last Spring, and from there we got a little experience with dealing with security cameras. Then there was Mike. Mike’s some kind of magician when it comes to locks. He’s just got a natural talent for that kind of thing, he’s gifted, I’d say. Now I like Craig, but he’s a bit of a nutter, you know, a bit of a liability. I needed his help, but I didn’t want him there on the night to muck it up. I had another plan for him, one to make sure that our activities wouldn’t be quite so obvious. Steve, the last of my crew, was an old mate of mine. He’d been there for me when we done over a telephone exchange. I owe that boy a lot, pulling that fricking mutt off me and sticking it. That bloated thing would have had my face off. If there was one person I wanted on the job, it was Steve, a dependable bloke, as long as the job ain’t too taxing.
Now as I said, they’re all good old boys, and I knew I could rely on them, but what I really needed was someone on the inside. Whilst you could go hold a knife to the bank manager’s missus, this does tend to add more problems than it’s worth. We’re not thugs, ‘cept maybe Craig, and if it goes nipples up, you could end up on the end of a murder charge. Getting someone on the inside isn’t always but this time we were lucky. Whilst checking out the inside of the place, picking up some leaflets about mortgages, I noticed this tasty bit of stuff behind the counter. Service with a smile, but behind those bright eyes I could see the contempt she was holding for the customers. Her work uniform did nothing for her figure, but green and orange suits no one, and there on her chest a name tag, Sandy. She looked like she wanted a way out, and who was I to deny her that chance?
I went to the counter and started yapping with her. She was a nice enough girl, but you could tell that she didn’t much give a stuff about her job. I turned on the charm, and as so often happens when I do so, she agreed to go out with me.
Now I’m a gentleman, I won’t be revealing any of the intimate details about what went on that night, but let’s just say that she was very co-operative. Sandy wanted out of the bank, and away from this bloody town. She was happy to go along with the plan, Sandy was the kind of girl that needed excitement and liked to take a risk.
Sandy was useful from the very start. She got hold of the building plans so we’d know exactly where everything was, and I she went to work on Descarte right away. Little flirtatious glances, looking into his eyes just a little too long. It didn’t take many days before he agreed that it would be good for staff morale if they had an office pet. A parrot would be good for a laugh, she’d said, as they could teach it the company slogan.
So Sandy and I went bird shopping. We went to half a dozen pet-stores in the area, making sure that we got the best possible parrot for the job. I’d got the best men, I’d got the best girl, I wasn’t going to compromise when it came to the key member of the party.
Captain Squawks was always head and shoulder above the others, that's if birds have shoulders. Not only did he repeat words, but he got the pitch and tone right too. Honestly, he was like a bloody pro. I sat him down in front of the TV for the evening and off he went, first of all doing his best Manc accent for Coronation Street, then we switched to Eastenders and he started doing the Mitchells. He was perfect, all he had to do was listen to Frank Descarte, and we’d be able to use him to get us into the vault.
The bird had been on the inside for a month when the carnival came to town, going home with Sandy every night and coming to visit me. It was time to put the plan into action. I told Craig that I’d need him elsewhere, that a carnage at the carnival would throw the city into turmoil, and give us the perfect cover to get away undetected. Looking back, perhaps sabotaging the Big Wheel and inciting the crowd to riot was perhaps a little bit over the top, but as I said, that’s Craig for you, and given how many sirens we heard, I’d say that it did it’s job well.
At exactly seven minutes before midnight we started work on the outside door. Mike the Magician did his trick, and with a click, we were in. Exactly how he does it, I couldn’t tell you, but he’s got all these little mirrors and metal gizmo’s that seem to get him into anywhere. We were actually a little early, and had to lurk in the shadows until it hit midnight. Not only was this time for a shift change for the camera monitors, but the alarm system itself suffered a minor blip. This wasn’t something that was known about by many people, but Roger had let me in on this minor failing on the part of Securalarm. The company knew about it, but to go out and change all of the alarms at all of the sites they’d supplied to would have broken them, and if that didn’t do them in, the damage it would have done to their reputation would have. So when the time came, all we had to do was a bit of quick rewiring, something I’d taught myself with a distance learning course in electronics. They were right in thinking I was after developing a new career.
Whilst I was doing this, Benny was applying the loop to the cameras. Another trick that can be done with mirrors, a filter, and the few seconds of footage he’d captured since we got the door open.
All of this time, it had been Steve’s job to keep hold of the parrot, but we’d sat and watched movies with him before the job. It had been Steve’s choice of film, but thinking back and hearing Captain Squawks doing his best Michael Caine and squawking “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” nearly spoilt the whole thing, as we were all rolling about in stitches. Thank God we hadn’t been watching The Sweeney on Gold, he’d have done his John Thaw and told us we were nicked, I would have had a bloody heart attack!
Anyway, there we were, in the bank, flashlights on, sneaking around with Captain Squawks making all kinds of noise. Now Sandy had told us that she used to follow Descarte with Captain Squawks on his shoulder whenever he went into the vault so that he’d hear what was said. When he’d been out of the office she had taken Captain Squawks to the door to see what he did, and indeed, he did mimic the bank manager.
Mike got to work on the keyhole, inserting his gizmo and giving it a wiggle. When he was ready he waved over at Steve. Sure enough when Captain Squawks got close, he spoke, and the doors opened. We rushed in expecting to see piles of gold bars, but all we saw was a wall of safes. These, we were sure would be stuffed full of cash.
As the door closed behind us it happened. With a thud, Captain Squawks fell from his perch. At first we didn’t react, we were in the vault now, we didn’t need him anymore. But as Mike was working on the first safe Steve asked the question we all knew the answer to. ‘So how do we open the door from this side?’ We knew it would be there, another key hole and voice receiver. With a dead parrot we were stuck, so we only had one option, reviving Captain Squawks. Of course, I don’t know any first aid, but Benny had done a course a few years back. He tried massaging it’s chest, but to no avail. Given the situation we were in, I can’t blame him for doing it, but he even went as far as trying mouth to beak. We all heard the pop as Captain Squawks’ lung gave way to all of the air Benny had blown in.
So there we were until the morning. Mike had tried to get the door open all night without success, but we never turned on each other. We were mates and there was no one to blame. It was a twist of fate, that bird just died for reasons I’ll never understand. He’d seemed so happy, squawking away, pecking at his seeds, then he went. We waited all night, resigned to getting caught so when the door opened I have to say that we were quite relieved, even though we had no chance of getting away.
Oh well, that’s my story, that’s how I ended up locked away, what’s your story Lenny?”
“Well, Geoff, I’d rather not say” replied Lenny, looking rather shaken, and perhaps a little shocked at finally getting the opportunity to speak.
“You do look familiar to me though. Were you involved in the Sugden robbery?”
“Er, no, and I’d rather like to try get some sleep now”
“Oi, I’ll tell you who he is” came a cry down the corridor. “He’s that bloody bird poisoner. You must have heard about it, selling dodgy seed to all of the pet stores, killed thousands of pet birds he did…”
The carnival was coming to town, with it’s fairground attractions and parades through the city. I knew that the police resources would be stretched, so I planned to rob one of the city banks. Ambitious? Yeah, maybe, but these opportunities don’t come along often, and it’s taking these opportunities that makes the difference between the rich man, and the poor.
I knew a bloke who had worked for a security company, Roger, and he had worked at the bank we planned to rob. He owed me a favour after the Mulligan incident, so he filled me in on the security at the bank. He told me that overnight the place was unmanned, but it was alarmed, though not to a great standard. Then there were the security cameras. These were monitored from a central location that looked after a number of different sites. But the real problem was going to be getting into the main vault, this was on a key and voice activation mechanism, and would only open if they heard the voice of the Bank Manager, one Mr Frank Descarte, and if the key was inserted at the same time. Nothing too taxing, apart from the voice activation thing, but I’m not a man that gives up easy, so I went ahead with forming the plan.
I rounded up the usual suspects to see if they’d be interested in giving me a hand with this little project. Now these associates of mine, they know a good thing when they see it, they were all good blokes, and I’d done other, smaller jobs with them before. Me and Benny turned over a couple of bookies last Spring, and from there we got a little experience with dealing with security cameras. Then there was Mike. Mike’s some kind of magician when it comes to locks. He’s just got a natural talent for that kind of thing, he’s gifted, I’d say. Now I like Craig, but he’s a bit of a nutter, you know, a bit of a liability. I needed his help, but I didn’t want him there on the night to muck it up. I had another plan for him, one to make sure that our activities wouldn’t be quite so obvious. Steve, the last of my crew, was an old mate of mine. He’d been there for me when we done over a telephone exchange. I owe that boy a lot, pulling that fricking mutt off me and sticking it. That bloated thing would have had my face off. If there was one person I wanted on the job, it was Steve, a dependable bloke, as long as the job ain’t too taxing.
Now as I said, they’re all good old boys, and I knew I could rely on them, but what I really needed was someone on the inside. Whilst you could go hold a knife to the bank manager’s missus, this does tend to add more problems than it’s worth. We’re not thugs, ‘cept maybe Craig, and if it goes nipples up, you could end up on the end of a murder charge. Getting someone on the inside isn’t always but this time we were lucky. Whilst checking out the inside of the place, picking up some leaflets about mortgages, I noticed this tasty bit of stuff behind the counter. Service with a smile, but behind those bright eyes I could see the contempt she was holding for the customers. Her work uniform did nothing for her figure, but green and orange suits no one, and there on her chest a name tag, Sandy. She looked like she wanted a way out, and who was I to deny her that chance?
I went to the counter and started yapping with her. She was a nice enough girl, but you could tell that she didn’t much give a stuff about her job. I turned on the charm, and as so often happens when I do so, she agreed to go out with me.
Now I’m a gentleman, I won’t be revealing any of the intimate details about what went on that night, but let’s just say that she was very co-operative. Sandy wanted out of the bank, and away from this bloody town. She was happy to go along with the plan, Sandy was the kind of girl that needed excitement and liked to take a risk.
Sandy was useful from the very start. She got hold of the building plans so we’d know exactly where everything was, and I she went to work on Descarte right away. Little flirtatious glances, looking into his eyes just a little too long. It didn’t take many days before he agreed that it would be good for staff morale if they had an office pet. A parrot would be good for a laugh, she’d said, as they could teach it the company slogan.
So Sandy and I went bird shopping. We went to half a dozen pet-stores in the area, making sure that we got the best possible parrot for the job. I’d got the best men, I’d got the best girl, I wasn’t going to compromise when it came to the key member of the party.
Captain Squawks was always head and shoulder above the others, that's if birds have shoulders. Not only did he repeat words, but he got the pitch and tone right too. Honestly, he was like a bloody pro. I sat him down in front of the TV for the evening and off he went, first of all doing his best Manc accent for Coronation Street, then we switched to Eastenders and he started doing the Mitchells. He was perfect, all he had to do was listen to Frank Descarte, and we’d be able to use him to get us into the vault.
The bird had been on the inside for a month when the carnival came to town, going home with Sandy every night and coming to visit me. It was time to put the plan into action. I told Craig that I’d need him elsewhere, that a carnage at the carnival would throw the city into turmoil, and give us the perfect cover to get away undetected. Looking back, perhaps sabotaging the Big Wheel and inciting the crowd to riot was perhaps a little bit over the top, but as I said, that’s Craig for you, and given how many sirens we heard, I’d say that it did it’s job well.
At exactly seven minutes before midnight we started work on the outside door. Mike the Magician did his trick, and with a click, we were in. Exactly how he does it, I couldn’t tell you, but he’s got all these little mirrors and metal gizmo’s that seem to get him into anywhere. We were actually a little early, and had to lurk in the shadows until it hit midnight. Not only was this time for a shift change for the camera monitors, but the alarm system itself suffered a minor blip. This wasn’t something that was known about by many people, but Roger had let me in on this minor failing on the part of Securalarm. The company knew about it, but to go out and change all of the alarms at all of the sites they’d supplied to would have broken them, and if that didn’t do them in, the damage it would have done to their reputation would have. So when the time came, all we had to do was a bit of quick rewiring, something I’d taught myself with a distance learning course in electronics. They were right in thinking I was after developing a new career.
Whilst I was doing this, Benny was applying the loop to the cameras. Another trick that can be done with mirrors, a filter, and the few seconds of footage he’d captured since we got the door open.
All of this time, it had been Steve’s job to keep hold of the parrot, but we’d sat and watched movies with him before the job. It had been Steve’s choice of film, but thinking back and hearing Captain Squawks doing his best Michael Caine and squawking “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” nearly spoilt the whole thing, as we were all rolling about in stitches. Thank God we hadn’t been watching The Sweeney on Gold, he’d have done his John Thaw and told us we were nicked, I would have had a bloody heart attack!
Anyway, there we were, in the bank, flashlights on, sneaking around with Captain Squawks making all kinds of noise. Now Sandy had told us that she used to follow Descarte with Captain Squawks on his shoulder whenever he went into the vault so that he’d hear what was said. When he’d been out of the office she had taken Captain Squawks to the door to see what he did, and indeed, he did mimic the bank manager.
Mike got to work on the keyhole, inserting his gizmo and giving it a wiggle. When he was ready he waved over at Steve. Sure enough when Captain Squawks got close, he spoke, and the doors opened. We rushed in expecting to see piles of gold bars, but all we saw was a wall of safes. These, we were sure would be stuffed full of cash.
As the door closed behind us it happened. With a thud, Captain Squawks fell from his perch. At first we didn’t react, we were in the vault now, we didn’t need him anymore. But as Mike was working on the first safe Steve asked the question we all knew the answer to. ‘So how do we open the door from this side?’ We knew it would be there, another key hole and voice receiver. With a dead parrot we were stuck, so we only had one option, reviving Captain Squawks. Of course, I don’t know any first aid, but Benny had done a course a few years back. He tried massaging it’s chest, but to no avail. Given the situation we were in, I can’t blame him for doing it, but he even went as far as trying mouth to beak. We all heard the pop as Captain Squawks’ lung gave way to all of the air Benny had blown in.
So there we were until the morning. Mike had tried to get the door open all night without success, but we never turned on each other. We were mates and there was no one to blame. It was a twist of fate, that bird just died for reasons I’ll never understand. He’d seemed so happy, squawking away, pecking at his seeds, then he went. We waited all night, resigned to getting caught so when the door opened I have to say that we were quite relieved, even though we had no chance of getting away.
Oh well, that’s my story, that’s how I ended up locked away, what’s your story Lenny?”
“Well, Geoff, I’d rather not say” replied Lenny, looking rather shaken, and perhaps a little shocked at finally getting the opportunity to speak.
“You do look familiar to me though. Were you involved in the Sugden robbery?”
“Er, no, and I’d rather like to try get some sleep now”
“Oi, I’ll tell you who he is” came a cry down the corridor. “He’s that bloody bird poisoner. You must have heard about it, selling dodgy seed to all of the pet stores, killed thousands of pet birds he did…”
Thanks for the comments.
It's funny, I've just noticed this competition with the BBC, for a TV show called 'Hustle'.
They want you to write a monologue, 1000 words. Apparently the details are on www.bbc.co.uk/getwriting but I haven't spotted them yet.
So I might try something like this and enter the contest. It's free, what harm can it do?
It's funny, I've just noticed this competition with the BBC, for a TV show called 'Hustle'.
They want you to write a monologue, 1000 words. Apparently the details are on www.bbc.co.uk/getwriting but I haven't spotted them yet.
So I might try something like this and enter the contest. It's free, what harm can it do?
Fantastic. I'd pay to see this televised.
Clever, if a little far-fenched: captain parrot dropping stone cold just as the safedoor slunks shut, and the cellmate being the poison birdfeedist, but heh, if it wasn't for these chance-shenanigans we wouldn't have stories, so all power to unlikely coincidence.
Marvellous.
I’d mentally jumped ahead while reading the story, creating several endings so when I actually got there it made me laugh. Not exactly what I’d expected.
I’d mentally jumped ahead while reading the story, creating several endings so when I actually got there it made me laugh. Not exactly what I’d expected.
Very good. I did enjoy reading that. A nice short story with a pretty good concept. I must try to write a short story at some point. Usually I can never make them short enough; they tend to turn into unfinished epics...
“If the parrot hadn’t died at that exact moment, I think we would have been alright. All of that planning, those late nights spent studying blueprints, the careful planning, it had taken us almost all of the way, and then Captain Squawks had to go and ruin it all by snuffing it. Sorry, I can see you look confused, let me take you back to the beginning.
The carnival was coming to town, with it’s fairground attractions and parades through the city. I knew that the police resources would be stretched, so I planned to rob one of the city banks. Ambitious? Yeah, maybe, but these opportunities don’t come along often, and it’s taking these opportunities that makes the difference between the rich man, and the poor.
I knew a bloke who had worked for a security company, Roger, and he had worked at the bank we planned to rob. He owed me a favour after the Mulligan incident, so he filled me in on the security at the bank. He told me that overnight the place was unmanned, but it was alarmed, though not to a great standard. Then there were the security cameras. These were monitored from a central location that looked after a number of different sites. But the real problem was going to be getting into the main vault, this was on a key and voice activation mechanism, and would only open if they heard the voice of the Bank Manager, one Mr Frank Descarte, and if the key was inserted at the same time. Nothing too taxing, apart from the voice activation thing, but I’m not a man that gives up easy, so I went ahead with forming the plan.
I rounded up the usual suspects to see if they’d be interested in giving me a hand with this little project. Now these associates of mine, they know a good thing when they see it, they were all good blokes, and I’d done other, smaller jobs with them before. Me and Benny turned over a couple of bookies last Spring, and from there we got a little experience with dealing with security cameras. Then there was Mike. Mike’s some kind of magician when it comes to locks. He’s just got a natural talent for that kind of thing, he’s gifted, I’d say. Now I like Craig, but he’s a bit of a nutter, you know, a bit of a liability. I needed his help, but I didn’t want him there on the night to muck it up. I had another plan for him, one to make sure that our activities wouldn’t be quite so obvious. Steve, the last of my crew, was an old mate of mine. He’d been there for me when we done over a telephone exchange. I owe that boy a lot, pulling that fricking mutt off me and sticking it. That bloated thing would have had my face off. If there was one person I wanted on the job, it was Steve, a dependable bloke, as long as the job ain’t too taxing.
Now as I said, they’re all good old boys, and I knew I could rely on them, but what I really needed was someone on the inside. Whilst you could go hold a knife to the bank manager’s missus, this does tend to add more problems than it’s worth. We’re not thugs, ‘cept maybe Craig, and if it goes nipples up, you could end up on the end of a murder charge. Getting someone on the inside isn’t always but this time we were lucky. Whilst checking out the inside of the place, picking up some leaflets about mortgages, I noticed this tasty bit of stuff behind the counter. Service with a smile, but behind those bright eyes I could see the contempt she was holding for the customers. Her work uniform did nothing for her figure, but green and orange suits no one, and there on her chest a name tag, Sandy. She looked like she wanted a way out, and who was I to deny her that chance?
I went to the counter and started yapping with her. She was a nice enough girl, but you could tell that she didn’t much give a stuff about her job. I turned on the charm, and as so often happens when I do so, she agreed to go out with me.
Now I’m a gentleman, I won’t be revealing any of the intimate details about what went on that night, but let’s just say that she was very co-operative. Sandy wanted out of the bank, and away from this bloody town. She was happy to go along with the plan, Sandy was the kind of girl that needed excitement and liked to take a risk.
Sandy was useful from the very start. She got hold of the building plans so we’d know exactly where everything was, and I she went to work on Descarte right away. Little flirtatious glances, looking into his eyes just a little too long. It didn’t take many days before he agreed that it would be good for staff morale if they had an office pet. A parrot would be good for a laugh, she’d said, as they could teach it the company slogan.
So Sandy and I went bird shopping. We went to half a dozen pet-stores in the area, making sure that we got the best possible parrot for the job. I’d got the best men, I’d got the best girl, I wasn’t going to compromise when it came to the key member of the party.
Captain Squawks was always head and shoulder above the others, that's if birds have shoulders. Not only did he repeat words, but he got the pitch and tone right too. Honestly, he was like a bloody pro. I sat him down in front of the TV for the evening and off he went, first of all doing his best Manc accent for Coronation Street, then we switched to Eastenders and he started doing the Mitchells. He was perfect, all he had to do was listen to Frank Descarte, and we’d be able to use him to get us into the vault.
The bird had been on the inside for a month when the carnival came to town, going home with Sandy every night and coming to visit me. It was time to put the plan into action. I told Craig that I’d need him elsewhere, that a carnage at the carnival would throw the city into turmoil, and give us the perfect cover to get away undetected. Looking back, perhaps sabotaging the Big Wheel and inciting the crowd to riot was perhaps a little bit over the top, but as I said, that’s Craig for you, and given how many sirens we heard, I’d say that it did it’s job well.
At exactly seven minutes before midnight we started work on the outside door. Mike the Magician did his trick, and with a click, we were in. Exactly how he does it, I couldn’t tell you, but he’s got all these little mirrors and metal gizmo’s that seem to get him into anywhere. We were actually a little early, and had to lurk in the shadows until it hit midnight. Not only was this time for a shift change for the camera monitors, but the alarm system itself suffered a minor blip. This wasn’t something that was known about by many people, but Roger had let me in on this minor failing on the part of Securalarm. The company knew about it, but to go out and change all of the alarms at all of the sites they’d supplied to would have broken them, and if that didn’t do them in, the damage it would have done to their reputation would have. So when the time came, all we had to do was a bit of quick rewiring, something I’d taught myself with a distance learning course in electronics. They were right in thinking I was after developing a new career.
Whilst I was doing this, Benny was applying the loop to the cameras. Another trick that can be done with mirrors, a filter, and the few seconds of footage he’d captured since we got the door open.
All of this time, it had been Steve’s job to keep hold of the parrot, but we’d sat and watched movies with him before the job. It had been Steve’s choice of film, but thinking back and hearing Captain Squawks doing his best Michael Caine and squawking “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” nearly spoilt the whole thing, as we were all rolling about in stitches. Thank God we hadn’t been watching The Sweeney on Gold, he’d have done his John Thaw and told us we were nicked, I would have had a bloody heart attack!
Anyway, there we were, in the bank, flashlights on, sneaking around with Captain Squawks making all kinds of noise. Now Sandy had told us that she used to follow Descarte with Captain Squawks on his shoulder whenever he went into the vault so that he’d hear what was said. When he’d been out of the office she had taken Captain Squawks to the door to see what he did, and indeed, he did mimic the bank manager.
Mike got to work on the keyhole, inserting his gizmo and giving it a wiggle. When he was ready he waved over at Steve. Sure enough when Captain Squawks got close, he spoke, and the doors opened. We rushed in expecting to see piles of gold bars, but all we saw was a wall of safes. These, we were sure would be stuffed full of cash.
As the door closed behind us it happened. With a thud, Captain Squawks fell from his perch. At first we didn’t react, we were in the vault now, we didn’t need him anymore. But as Mike was working on the first safe Steve asked the question we all knew the answer to. ‘So how do we open the door from this side?’ We knew it would be there, another key hole and voice receiver. With a dead parrot we were stuck, so we only had one option, reviving Captain Squawks. Of course, I don’t know any first aid, but Benny had done a course a few years back. He tried massaging it’s chest, but to no avail. Given the situation we were in, I can’t blame him for doing it, but he even went as far as trying mouth to beak. We all heard the pop as Captain Squawks’ lung gave way to all of the air Benny had blown in.
So there we were until the morning. Mike had tried to get the door open all night without success, but we never turned on each other. We were mates and there was no one to blame. It was a twist of fate, that bird just died for reasons I’ll never understand. He’d seemed so happy, squawking away, pecking at his seeds, then he went. We waited all night, resigned to getting caught so when the door opened I have to say that we were quite relieved, even though we had no chance of getting away.
Oh well, that’s my story, that’s how I ended up locked away, what’s your story Lenny?”
“Well, Geoff, I’d rather not say” replied Lenny, looking rather shaken, and perhaps a little shocked at finally getting the opportunity to speak.
“You do look familiar to me though. Were you involved in the Sugden robbery?”
“Er, no, and I’d rather like to try get some sleep now”
“Oi, I’ll tell you who he is” came a cry down the corridor. “He’s that bloody bird poisoner. You must have heard about it, selling dodgy seed to all of the pet stores, killed thousands of pet birds he did…”
The carnival was coming to town, with it’s fairground attractions and parades through the city. I knew that the police resources would be stretched, so I planned to rob one of the city banks. Ambitious? Yeah, maybe, but these opportunities don’t come along often, and it’s taking these opportunities that makes the difference between the rich man, and the poor.
I knew a bloke who had worked for a security company, Roger, and he had worked at the bank we planned to rob. He owed me a favour after the Mulligan incident, so he filled me in on the security at the bank. He told me that overnight the place was unmanned, but it was alarmed, though not to a great standard. Then there were the security cameras. These were monitored from a central location that looked after a number of different sites. But the real problem was going to be getting into the main vault, this was on a key and voice activation mechanism, and would only open if they heard the voice of the Bank Manager, one Mr Frank Descarte, and if the key was inserted at the same time. Nothing too taxing, apart from the voice activation thing, but I’m not a man that gives up easy, so I went ahead with forming the plan.
I rounded up the usual suspects to see if they’d be interested in giving me a hand with this little project. Now these associates of mine, they know a good thing when they see it, they were all good blokes, and I’d done other, smaller jobs with them before. Me and Benny turned over a couple of bookies last Spring, and from there we got a little experience with dealing with security cameras. Then there was Mike. Mike’s some kind of magician when it comes to locks. He’s just got a natural talent for that kind of thing, he’s gifted, I’d say. Now I like Craig, but he’s a bit of a nutter, you know, a bit of a liability. I needed his help, but I didn’t want him there on the night to muck it up. I had another plan for him, one to make sure that our activities wouldn’t be quite so obvious. Steve, the last of my crew, was an old mate of mine. He’d been there for me when we done over a telephone exchange. I owe that boy a lot, pulling that fricking mutt off me and sticking it. That bloated thing would have had my face off. If there was one person I wanted on the job, it was Steve, a dependable bloke, as long as the job ain’t too taxing.
Now as I said, they’re all good old boys, and I knew I could rely on them, but what I really needed was someone on the inside. Whilst you could go hold a knife to the bank manager’s missus, this does tend to add more problems than it’s worth. We’re not thugs, ‘cept maybe Craig, and if it goes nipples up, you could end up on the end of a murder charge. Getting someone on the inside isn’t always but this time we were lucky. Whilst checking out the inside of the place, picking up some leaflets about mortgages, I noticed this tasty bit of stuff behind the counter. Service with a smile, but behind those bright eyes I could see the contempt she was holding for the customers. Her work uniform did nothing for her figure, but green and orange suits no one, and there on her chest a name tag, Sandy. She looked like she wanted a way out, and who was I to deny her that chance?
I went to the counter and started yapping with her. She was a nice enough girl, but you could tell that she didn’t much give a stuff about her job. I turned on the charm, and as so often happens when I do so, she agreed to go out with me.
Now I’m a gentleman, I won’t be revealing any of the intimate details about what went on that night, but let’s just say that she was very co-operative. Sandy wanted out of the bank, and away from this bloody town. She was happy to go along with the plan, Sandy was the kind of girl that needed excitement and liked to take a risk.
Sandy was useful from the very start. She got hold of the building plans so we’d know exactly where everything was, and I she went to work on Descarte right away. Little flirtatious glances, looking into his eyes just a little too long. It didn’t take many days before he agreed that it would be good for staff morale if they had an office pet. A parrot would be good for a laugh, she’d said, as they could teach it the company slogan.
So Sandy and I went bird shopping. We went to half a dozen pet-stores in the area, making sure that we got the best possible parrot for the job. I’d got the best men, I’d got the best girl, I wasn’t going to compromise when it came to the key member of the party.
Captain Squawks was always head and shoulder above the others, that's if birds have shoulders. Not only did he repeat words, but he got the pitch and tone right too. Honestly, he was like a bloody pro. I sat him down in front of the TV for the evening and off he went, first of all doing his best Manc accent for Coronation Street, then we switched to Eastenders and he started doing the Mitchells. He was perfect, all he had to do was listen to Frank Descarte, and we’d be able to use him to get us into the vault.
The bird had been on the inside for a month when the carnival came to town, going home with Sandy every night and coming to visit me. It was time to put the plan into action. I told Craig that I’d need him elsewhere, that a carnage at the carnival would throw the city into turmoil, and give us the perfect cover to get away undetected. Looking back, perhaps sabotaging the Big Wheel and inciting the crowd to riot was perhaps a little bit over the top, but as I said, that’s Craig for you, and given how many sirens we heard, I’d say that it did it’s job well.
At exactly seven minutes before midnight we started work on the outside door. Mike the Magician did his trick, and with a click, we were in. Exactly how he does it, I couldn’t tell you, but he’s got all these little mirrors and metal gizmo’s that seem to get him into anywhere. We were actually a little early, and had to lurk in the shadows until it hit midnight. Not only was this time for a shift change for the camera monitors, but the alarm system itself suffered a minor blip. This wasn’t something that was known about by many people, but Roger had let me in on this minor failing on the part of Securalarm. The company knew about it, but to go out and change all of the alarms at all of the sites they’d supplied to would have broken them, and if that didn’t do them in, the damage it would have done to their reputation would have. So when the time came, all we had to do was a bit of quick rewiring, something I’d taught myself with a distance learning course in electronics. They were right in thinking I was after developing a new career.
Whilst I was doing this, Benny was applying the loop to the cameras. Another trick that can be done with mirrors, a filter, and the few seconds of footage he’d captured since we got the door open.
All of this time, it had been Steve’s job to keep hold of the parrot, but we’d sat and watched movies with him before the job. It had been Steve’s choice of film, but thinking back and hearing Captain Squawks doing his best Michael Caine and squawking “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” nearly spoilt the whole thing, as we were all rolling about in stitches. Thank God we hadn’t been watching The Sweeney on Gold, he’d have done his John Thaw and told us we were nicked, I would have had a bloody heart attack!
Anyway, there we were, in the bank, flashlights on, sneaking around with Captain Squawks making all kinds of noise. Now Sandy had told us that she used to follow Descarte with Captain Squawks on his shoulder whenever he went into the vault so that he’d hear what was said. When he’d been out of the office she had taken Captain Squawks to the door to see what he did, and indeed, he did mimic the bank manager.
Mike got to work on the keyhole, inserting his gizmo and giving it a wiggle. When he was ready he waved over at Steve. Sure enough when Captain Squawks got close, he spoke, and the doors opened. We rushed in expecting to see piles of gold bars, but all we saw was a wall of safes. These, we were sure would be stuffed full of cash.
As the door closed behind us it happened. With a thud, Captain Squawks fell from his perch. At first we didn’t react, we were in the vault now, we didn’t need him anymore. But as Mike was working on the first safe Steve asked the question we all knew the answer to. ‘So how do we open the door from this side?’ We knew it would be there, another key hole and voice receiver. With a dead parrot we were stuck, so we only had one option, reviving Captain Squawks. Of course, I don’t know any first aid, but Benny had done a course a few years back. He tried massaging it’s chest, but to no avail. Given the situation we were in, I can’t blame him for doing it, but he even went as far as trying mouth to beak. We all heard the pop as Captain Squawks’ lung gave way to all of the air Benny had blown in.
So there we were until the morning. Mike had tried to get the door open all night without success, but we never turned on each other. We were mates and there was no one to blame. It was a twist of fate, that bird just died for reasons I’ll never understand. He’d seemed so happy, squawking away, pecking at his seeds, then he went. We waited all night, resigned to getting caught so when the door opened I have to say that we were quite relieved, even though we had no chance of getting away.
Oh well, that’s my story, that’s how I ended up locked away, what’s your story Lenny?”
“Well, Geoff, I’d rather not say” replied Lenny, looking rather shaken, and perhaps a little shocked at finally getting the opportunity to speak.
“You do look familiar to me though. Were you involved in the Sugden robbery?”
“Er, no, and I’d rather like to try get some sleep now”
“Oi, I’ll tell you who he is” came a cry down the corridor. “He’s that bloody bird poisoner. You must have heard about it, selling dodgy seed to all of the pet stores, killed thousands of pet birds he did…”