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FADE IN: INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM
A bunch of cops break in and find CARRIE-ANNE MOSS.
She's dressed in leather, because she is FEMALE in a SCI-FI THRILLER.
POLICE OFFICER
I think we can handle this one little girl.
She jumps up and the shot freezes. We spin around her for no real reason except that it looks extremely COOL.
We feel the sudden urge to buy Khaki pants. She kicks all of the ASSES of the cops and runs.
HUGO WEAVING chases after her.
HUGO WEAVING
I'll get you. That's for syuuuuuuuure.
She gets away.
INT. KEANU'S ULTRA-HIGH-TECH ROOM
KEANU REEVES sleeps at his computer, listening to a cool song that will NOT be on the soundtrack.
His computer turns itself on.
COMPUTER
Hello Keanu. Follow the white rabbit.
KEANU REEVES
Dude.
Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door. Keanu answers it.
KEANU REEVES (cont'd)
Dude?
SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY
Give me some stuff that I am paying you for. I am so noir.
KEANU REEVES
(handing him the disk)
Dude.
SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY
Hey, want to come with us to a cool dance club whose lighting can increase the noir-factor of this movie even more?
KEANU REEVES
No way.
He sees the GUY'S GIRLFRIEND'S little white rabbit.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa. Uh.. rock on, dude.
He follows them to the club "tech-noir."
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CLUB
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I have the answers. Follow me.
KEANU REEVES
Dude!
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE BUILDING
LAURENCE FISHBURNE sits in a chair.
FILM CRITICS
This is another one of those stupid action movies, isn't it?
I've been complaining for years and years how action movie plots aren't interesting or creative and this will be another one.
KEANU REEVES
Hey, dude. What is the Matrix?
LAURENCE proceeds to explain the plot, which is very CREATIVE and INTERESTING and makes the AUDIENCE think.
FILM CRITICS
I don't understand it. This movie's plot is too contrived and it isn't explained well enough. I hate action movies and there's nothing you can do to please me, so there! Where are my prunes?
LAURENCE begins to train KEANU on how to fight so that the WACHOWSKI BROTHERS can do the Hong-Kong fight scenes they've dreamed of.
INT. DOJO
Cool music plays in the background. It will also not be on the soundtrack.
KEANU makes comical motions and gets into typical martial arts poses. His lanky body looks uncomfortable as hell doing this.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
(scowling)
I will scowl now, as that's what I always do.
They train and KEANU learns how to fight well and use his abilities so that he can kick HUGO WEAVING'S ASS, which is important because HUGO can move in and out of whoever he wants so any kung-fu fight against him is USELESS.
INT. SUBWAY
The gang is being chased into the subway by the evil HUGO.
KEANU has lost all of the eight trillion guns he had, but he's still wearing his black trenchcoat and eight trillion dollar sunglasses, so he's still very BAD ASS.
The group members need to each pick up the phone one at a time in order to exit.
LAURENCE exits. CARRIE-ANNE is next.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I just wanted to take this time to tell you something.
KEANU REEVES
Dude?
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I know we're being chased and all... by a killing machine... that can completely destroy us..
KEANU REEVES
Dude.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
but.. I don't care. I think now is the best time to say something which I won't explain. I was told something about my life. All of it came true except one thing. This one thing. The one thing of which I am currently thinking. This one thing which is so vitally important that I had to mention it to you while we're being chased.
KEANU REEVES
Dude?
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I can't tell you now, we're being chased. I'll tell you when you get out.
She leaves and HUGO shoots the phone.
HUGO WEAVING
You weren't going to call with 1-800-COLLECT, were you?
KEANU REEVES
Dude!
HUGO WEAVING
Are you ready to fight me? You seem somewhat unsyuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.
They proceed to shoot each other for a bit, then the FAKE guns run out of FAKE bullets, none of which actually exist, but they run out anyway because KEANU needs to show off all the kung-fu he trained for before making the film.
They have a Hong-Kong style fight scene. Both of them kick each others asses for about 20 minutes.
KEANU finally wins! AUDIENCE HOORAY! GO KEANU!
Suddenly, another HUGO WEAVING steps out of a subway train door, making the last 20 minutes entirely pointless, but cool-looking nonetheless. KEANU runs like
HELL. INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM
KEANU is about to pick up the phone. HUGO WEAVING stops him.
HUGO WEAVING
First, you must prove you believe you are the One by kicking the hell out of me. It's a test you must endyuuuuure.
KEANU kicks the HELL out of HUGO.
He makes him explode and then gives him the finger and breaks his sunglasses and kicks him in the TESTICLES and decapitates him and shoves his head back up his own ****.
Vicariously through KEANU, The AUDIENCE feels very BAD ASS.
They immediately buy SUNGLASSES and TRENCHCOATS and see if they can fall backwards in slow motion to dodge BULLETS.
FILM CRITICS
What the hell was all that? Not only was the plot absurd, but it had those mindless typical action movie fights. Either I'm an idiot and don't realize that this is a sci-fi ACTION movie or the film just plain sucks, now which one do you think is right? Has anyone seen the stick I had up my ass? I can't find it.
The credits roll. All of the songs that actually ARE on the soundtrack are now played.
----
I thank you.
A bunch of cops break in and find CARRIE-ANNE MOSS.
She's dressed in leather, because she is FEMALE in a SCI-FI THRILLER.
POLICE OFFICER
I think we can handle this one little girl.
She jumps up and the shot freezes. We spin around her for no real reason except that it looks extremely COOL.
We feel the sudden urge to buy Khaki pants. She kicks all of the ASSES of the cops and runs.
HUGO WEAVING chases after her.
HUGO WEAVING
I'll get you. That's for syuuuuuuuure.
She gets away.
INT. KEANU'S ULTRA-HIGH-TECH ROOM
KEANU REEVES sleeps at his computer, listening to a cool song that will NOT be on the soundtrack.
His computer turns itself on.
COMPUTER
Hello Keanu. Follow the white rabbit.
KEANU REEVES
Dude.
Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door. Keanu answers it.
KEANU REEVES (cont'd)
Dude?
SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY
Give me some stuff that I am paying you for. I am so noir.
KEANU REEVES
(handing him the disk)
Dude.
SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY
Hey, want to come with us to a cool dance club whose lighting can increase the noir-factor of this movie even more?
KEANU REEVES
No way.
He sees the GUY'S GIRLFRIEND'S little white rabbit.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa. Uh.. rock on, dude.
He follows them to the club "tech-noir."
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CLUB
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I have the answers. Follow me.
KEANU REEVES
Dude!
INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE BUILDING
LAURENCE FISHBURNE sits in a chair.
FILM CRITICS
This is another one of those stupid action movies, isn't it?
I've been complaining for years and years how action movie plots aren't interesting or creative and this will be another one.
KEANU REEVES
Hey, dude. What is the Matrix?
LAURENCE proceeds to explain the plot, which is very CREATIVE and INTERESTING and makes the AUDIENCE think.
FILM CRITICS
I don't understand it. This movie's plot is too contrived and it isn't explained well enough. I hate action movies and there's nothing you can do to please me, so there! Where are my prunes?
LAURENCE begins to train KEANU on how to fight so that the WACHOWSKI BROTHERS can do the Hong-Kong fight scenes they've dreamed of.
INT. DOJO
Cool music plays in the background. It will also not be on the soundtrack.
KEANU makes comical motions and gets into typical martial arts poses. His lanky body looks uncomfortable as hell doing this.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
(scowling)
I will scowl now, as that's what I always do.
They train and KEANU learns how to fight well and use his abilities so that he can kick HUGO WEAVING'S ASS, which is important because HUGO can move in and out of whoever he wants so any kung-fu fight against him is USELESS.
INT. SUBWAY
The gang is being chased into the subway by the evil HUGO.
KEANU has lost all of the eight trillion guns he had, but he's still wearing his black trenchcoat and eight trillion dollar sunglasses, so he's still very BAD ASS.
The group members need to each pick up the phone one at a time in order to exit.
LAURENCE exits. CARRIE-ANNE is next.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I just wanted to take this time to tell you something.
KEANU REEVES
Dude?
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I know we're being chased and all... by a killing machine... that can completely destroy us..
KEANU REEVES
Dude.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
but.. I don't care. I think now is the best time to say something which I won't explain. I was told something about my life. All of it came true except one thing. This one thing. The one thing of which I am currently thinking. This one thing which is so vitally important that I had to mention it to you while we're being chased.
KEANU REEVES
Dude?
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I can't tell you now, we're being chased. I'll tell you when you get out.
She leaves and HUGO shoots the phone.
HUGO WEAVING
You weren't going to call with 1-800-COLLECT, were you?
KEANU REEVES
Dude!
HUGO WEAVING
Are you ready to fight me? You seem somewhat unsyuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.
They proceed to shoot each other for a bit, then the FAKE guns run out of FAKE bullets, none of which actually exist, but they run out anyway because KEANU needs to show off all the kung-fu he trained for before making the film.
They have a Hong-Kong style fight scene. Both of them kick each others asses for about 20 minutes.
KEANU finally wins! AUDIENCE HOORAY! GO KEANU!
Suddenly, another HUGO WEAVING steps out of a subway train door, making the last 20 minutes entirely pointless, but cool-looking nonetheless. KEANU runs like
HELL. INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM
KEANU is about to pick up the phone. HUGO WEAVING stops him.
HUGO WEAVING
First, you must prove you believe you are the One by kicking the hell out of me. It's a test you must endyuuuuure.
KEANU kicks the HELL out of HUGO.
He makes him explode and then gives him the finger and breaks his sunglasses and kicks him in the TESTICLES and decapitates him and shoves his head back up his own ****.
Vicariously through KEANU, The AUDIENCE feels very BAD ASS.
They immediately buy SUNGLASSES and TRENCHCOATS and see if they can fall backwards in slow motion to dodge BULLETS.
FILM CRITICS
What the hell was all that? Not only was the plot absurd, but it had those mindless typical action movie fights. Either I'm an idiot and don't realize that this is a sci-fi ACTION movie or the film just plain sucks, now which one do you think is right? Has anyone seen the stick I had up my ass? I can't find it.
The credits roll. All of the songs that actually ARE on the soundtrack are now played.
----
I thank you.
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Goatboy, don't worry about it.
It's not like you copied and pasted a review from another website or anything.
It made me laugh!
It's not like you copied and pasted a review from another website or anything.
It made me laugh!
There is only one thing I can add to this discussion:
Dude!?!?
Dude!?!?
Goatboy wrote:
> I've emailed S/R and refused my win, so you can all stop
> throwing your toys out of the pram now ok?
I think I'll throw some toys back in the pram and suggest that your prize is awarded on account of your honesty.
> I've emailed S/R and refused my win, so you can all stop
> throwing your toys out of the pram now ok?
I think I'll throw some toys back in the pram and suggest that your prize is awarded on account of your honesty.
Ok kids, here's the thing.
I posted that with no intention of winning anything at all, just found it funny.
I've seen people posting reviews and comments from other web-sites.
If I was trying to win, then fair enough.
But just posting something I found amusing, and it happened to win, is not trying to cheat or breach rules.
I've emailed S/R and refused my win, so you can all stop throwing your toys out of the pram now ok?
An honest-to-god, no intention of trying to win anything posting that made me laugh when I got and just wanted to share it.
The End.
I posted that with no intention of winning anything at all, just found it funny.
I've seen people posting reviews and comments from other web-sites.
If I was trying to win, then fair enough.
But just posting something I found amusing, and it happened to win, is not trying to cheat or breach rules.
I've emailed S/R and refused my win, so you can all stop throwing your toys out of the pram now ok?
An honest-to-god, no intention of trying to win anything posting that made me laugh when I got and just wanted to share it.
The End.
Try to contact Rod Hilton and send him a film!
Goatboy wrote:
> Don't know, had it emailed to me by a mate and stuck it up here when
> someone was talking about the movie.
"Filmaday rules and conditions:
(a) In submitting written material you agree to indemnify
Inter-Mediates Ltd, Freeola and Special Reserve against all
liabilities arising from infringement of copyright or intellectual
property rights. Basically, in plain English - this means that the
material must be original and written by you. Please do not send
other people's work. If you do, your entries are null and void."
Take note of the last two sentences. Doesn't this include the above? I know there's no way to check the authenticity of every post but when this is admitted surely it doesn't count.
Give the prize to pb for his own original version of the same thing.
> Don't know, had it emailed to me by a mate and stuck it up here when
> someone was talking about the movie.
"Filmaday rules and conditions:
(a) In submitting written material you agree to indemnify
Inter-Mediates Ltd, Freeola and Special Reserve against all
liabilities arising from infringement of copyright or intellectual
property rights. Basically, in plain English - this means that the
material must be original and written by you. Please do not send
other people's work. If you do, your entries are null and void."
Take note of the last two sentences. Doesn't this include the above? I know there's no way to check the authenticity of every post but when this is admitted surely it doesn't count.
Give the prize to pb for his own original version of the same thing.
Don't know, had it emailed to me by a mate and stuck it up here when someone was talking about the movie.
Real 'Really Really Abridged' Matrix
Woman in room
Police, scary men in suits.
Police get woman.
Fight.
Woman kicks police.
Run.
Woman gets chased by suit men.
Boy gets message on PC.
Boy gets chased at work.
Run
Gets caught.
Scary men interrogate boy.
Worm thing.
Boy gets out and meets weird people
Weird boldy bloke gives boy pills and choice.
Boy learns about real world
Fight. Run. Phone. Doublecross. Fight. Capture. Escape. Die? No.
Boy is the one.
Fight. Win.
Yeah.
The End.
...try to sell that to the film company!
The Matrix was really good. Who cares whether there are holes in the plot, it's just a great film and an even better DVD.
Woman in room
Police, scary men in suits.
Police get woman.
Fight.
Woman kicks police.
Run.
Woman gets chased by suit men.
Boy gets message on PC.
Boy gets chased at work.
Run
Gets caught.
Scary men interrogate boy.
Worm thing.
Boy gets out and meets weird people
Weird boldy bloke gives boy pills and choice.
Boy learns about real world
Fight. Run. Phone. Doublecross. Fight. Capture. Escape. Die? No.
Boy is the one.
Fight. Win.
Yeah.
The End.
...try to sell that to the film company!
The Matrix was really good. Who cares whether there are holes in the plot, it's just a great film and an even better DVD.
I bet you like awful tripe like American Beauty don't you?
I thought The Matrix was thoroughly enjoyable and that's all that counts in a film - end of story.
I thought The Matrix was thoroughly enjoyable and that's all that counts in a film - end of story.
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