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Well everyone else has done one - so should I. If I learnt one thing in my life it is to follow the crowd.
So, The Transporter, reviewed in a style totally pinched from Goaty and other comical geniuses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
So it begins, with a bald bloke who has driving gloves and desperately wants to be Rambo or Vin Diesel, but isn't, probably because he dropped out of acting school to work as a train driver.
Anyway, he drives about for a bit looking 'cool' in a Pierce Brosnan sense of the word, not actually cool, just 'cool' then picks some people up from a bank robbery and does some fancy driving (in a pedestrian area might I add!) he lands on the back of one of those big wagons that transport cars and, like in EVERY movie that contains them he releases the level and sends a car flying into the middle of the motorway (ever hear of brakes Mr Stunt Co-ordinator?)
So then he's in Spain or Italy or France (somewhere in Europe) and takes packages here and there, like a nice little messenger. The writer, at this point, decided Fight Club was a good movie and nicks the "rules" sorta thing and puts the 'rules' in the film.
1. Be specific with details
2. No names
3. Never open the package
Then he, of course, breaks the rules and looks inside one of his packages and finds some whingey Asian bird, gives her some Orangina, and then 'delivers' her. Then some nasty beardy bloke who looks like the evil one from Boyzone puts a bomb in his car, and as 'The Transporter' is buying some Orangina from a roadside cafe, his car goes bang.
So, being really upset (hey, he had a leather interior and air con!) he goes back to the evil bloke from Boyzone and kicks the crap out of all his mates and beats 3 people up with his chiseled jawline - but doesnt catch the main bad guy (he was at Boyzone rehearsals)
Then he takes the asias bird home and makes her noodles then they sleep and she snoops around his house and finds his old army pictures; then makes him coffee and biscuits in the morning and some inspecter bloke comes around and reveals that his car has been blown to hell with two dead cops in the boot (he always knows and plays the innocent)
Then some of the bad boyzone blokes mates blow The Transporters house up with a rocket launcher but they manage to escape through an underground series of water filled tunnels (like all houses have, y'know) and they come out in some other mansion and shag and then go to the police and find the details of the bloke who's trying to kill them and the Asian woman reveals her evil father is smuggling people from Asia in big containers.
Then they're all in an office with guns pointed at each other, he takes the inspector hostage (although not for real, its a setup you see) and gets in a boat with an mp5 and 15 clips and goes to kill them and save the people in a container.
He arrives where all the containers are with a stethoscope to listen to see if the container has a heartbeat (or something) but gets caught and all of the henchmen of the boyzone guy know karate and one-by-one (as is the style) take him on and he disposes of them Jackie Chan style and jumps on top of the main container wagon. But he gets the crap kicked out of him and then he is in a Coach depot.
In a coach depot and gets chased onto a bus by about 500 henchmen and he kicks the crap out of them and locks them in (cause he is cool, presumably) He is leaving the depot when a large beardy man (who looks as if he is about to cry) starts on him. So he throws a few punches and stuff and then all of a sudden a few more kung-fu hemchmen arrive, and the director (who is decidedly gay) had them tip a big bown of oil/grease on the floor and make the young actors grab each others slippery and half naked bodies.
So the transported gets some bike pedals and tap dances his way about the oily puddle and kicks them all in the face and grunts a bit, then leaves to save those people and get the bad bad boyzone man. Then loads more blokes with guns come and he used the big weepy beardy man as a shield and he falls out into the convinently places river/sea below the window. They chuck a oil barrel out and set the sea on fire, but it burns faster than the films special effects budget and he survives.
Then, he is a the countryside in a small crap economy Eurpoean car, which breaks down so he hijacks a plane instead, and parachutes down onto the top of the container (which he just so happens to know the position of) and lands on top and kills the driver and then the boyzone bloke jumps in a beats him and hurls him out, BUT he doesnt really fall out, and he jumps back in and throws the boyzone bloke out and he mashes against the concrete. So now the goody is in control and they park up but the evil asian guy is still alive and threatens to kill his daughter because she won't go along with his evil plan (muhahahha)
So the Asian guy has the transporter at gunpoint but the asian chick shoots him in the back (cue subtitles about honour which should have been here). So, they let the people out of the container and get go and have some heated sex - the credits roll and you've lost 1 hour and twenty minutes of your life.
So, The Transporter, reviewed in a style totally pinched from Goaty and other comical geniuses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
So it begins, with a bald bloke who has driving gloves and desperately wants to be Rambo or Vin Diesel, but isn't, probably because he dropped out of acting school to work as a train driver.
Anyway, he drives about for a bit looking 'cool' in a Pierce Brosnan sense of the word, not actually cool, just 'cool' then picks some people up from a bank robbery and does some fancy driving (in a pedestrian area might I add!) he lands on the back of one of those big wagons that transport cars and, like in EVERY movie that contains them he releases the level and sends a car flying into the middle of the motorway (ever hear of brakes Mr Stunt Co-ordinator?)
So then he's in Spain or Italy or France (somewhere in Europe) and takes packages here and there, like a nice little messenger. The writer, at this point, decided Fight Club was a good movie and nicks the "rules" sorta thing and puts the 'rules' in the film.
1. Be specific with details
2. No names
3. Never open the package
Then he, of course, breaks the rules and looks inside one of his packages and finds some whingey Asian bird, gives her some Orangina, and then 'delivers' her. Then some nasty beardy bloke who looks like the evil one from Boyzone puts a bomb in his car, and as 'The Transporter' is buying some Orangina from a roadside cafe, his car goes bang.
So, being really upset (hey, he had a leather interior and air con!) he goes back to the evil bloke from Boyzone and kicks the crap out of all his mates and beats 3 people up with his chiseled jawline - but doesnt catch the main bad guy (he was at Boyzone rehearsals)
Then he takes the asias bird home and makes her noodles then they sleep and she snoops around his house and finds his old army pictures; then makes him coffee and biscuits in the morning and some inspecter bloke comes around and reveals that his car has been blown to hell with two dead cops in the boot (he always knows and plays the innocent)
Then some of the bad boyzone blokes mates blow The Transporters house up with a rocket launcher but they manage to escape through an underground series of water filled tunnels (like all houses have, y'know) and they come out in some other mansion and shag and then go to the police and find the details of the bloke who's trying to kill them and the Asian woman reveals her evil father is smuggling people from Asia in big containers.
Then they're all in an office with guns pointed at each other, he takes the inspector hostage (although not for real, its a setup you see) and gets in a boat with an mp5 and 15 clips and goes to kill them and save the people in a container.
He arrives where all the containers are with a stethoscope to listen to see if the container has a heartbeat (or something) but gets caught and all of the henchmen of the boyzone guy know karate and one-by-one (as is the style) take him on and he disposes of them Jackie Chan style and jumps on top of the main container wagon. But he gets the crap kicked out of him and then he is in a Coach depot.
In a coach depot and gets chased onto a bus by about 500 henchmen and he kicks the crap out of them and locks them in (cause he is cool, presumably) He is leaving the depot when a large beardy man (who looks as if he is about to cry) starts on him. So he throws a few punches and stuff and then all of a sudden a few more kung-fu hemchmen arrive, and the director (who is decidedly gay) had them tip a big bown of oil/grease on the floor and make the young actors grab each others slippery and half naked bodies.
So the transported gets some bike pedals and tap dances his way about the oily puddle and kicks them all in the face and grunts a bit, then leaves to save those people and get the bad bad boyzone man. Then loads more blokes with guns come and he used the big weepy beardy man as a shield and he falls out into the convinently places river/sea below the window. They chuck a oil barrel out and set the sea on fire, but it burns faster than the films special effects budget and he survives.
Then, he is a the countryside in a small crap economy Eurpoean car, which breaks down so he hijacks a plane instead, and parachutes down onto the top of the container (which he just so happens to know the position of) and lands on top and kills the driver and then the boyzone bloke jumps in a beats him and hurls him out, BUT he doesnt really fall out, and he jumps back in and throws the boyzone bloke out and he mashes against the concrete. So now the goody is in control and they park up but the evil asian guy is still alive and threatens to kill his daughter because she won't go along with his evil plan (muhahahha)
So the Asian guy has the transporter at gunpoint but the asian chick shoots him in the back (cue subtitles about honour which should have been here). So, they let the people out of the container and get go and have some heated sex - the credits roll and you've lost 1 hour and twenty minutes of your life.
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Well everyone else has done one - so should I. If I learnt one thing in my life it is to follow the crowd.
So, The Transporter, reviewed in a style totally pinched from Goaty and other comical geniuses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
So it begins, with a bald bloke who has driving gloves and desperately wants to be Rambo or Vin Diesel, but isn't, probably because he dropped out of acting school to work as a train driver.
Anyway, he drives about for a bit looking 'cool' in a Pierce Brosnan sense of the word, not actually cool, just 'cool' then picks some people up from a bank robbery and does some fancy driving (in a pedestrian area might I add!) he lands on the back of one of those big wagons that transport cars and, like in EVERY movie that contains them he releases the level and sends a car flying into the middle of the motorway (ever hear of brakes Mr Stunt Co-ordinator?)
So then he's in Spain or Italy or France (somewhere in Europe) and takes packages here and there, like a nice little messenger. The writer, at this point, decided Fight Club was a good movie and nicks the "rules" sorta thing and puts the 'rules' in the film.
1. Be specific with details
2. No names
3. Never open the package
Then he, of course, breaks the rules and looks inside one of his packages and finds some whingey Asian bird, gives her some Orangina, and then 'delivers' her. Then some nasty beardy bloke who looks like the evil one from Boyzone puts a bomb in his car, and as 'The Transporter' is buying some Orangina from a roadside cafe, his car goes bang.
So, being really upset (hey, he had a leather interior and air con!) he goes back to the evil bloke from Boyzone and kicks the crap out of all his mates and beats 3 people up with his chiseled jawline - but doesnt catch the main bad guy (he was at Boyzone rehearsals)
Then he takes the asias bird home and makes her noodles then they sleep and she snoops around his house and finds his old army pictures; then makes him coffee and biscuits in the morning and some inspecter bloke comes around and reveals that his car has been blown to hell with two dead cops in the boot (he always knows and plays the innocent)
Then some of the bad boyzone blokes mates blow The Transporters house up with a rocket launcher but they manage to escape through an underground series of water filled tunnels (like all houses have, y'know) and they come out in some other mansion and shag and then go to the police and find the details of the bloke who's trying to kill them and the Asian woman reveals her evil father is smuggling people from Asia in big containers.
Then they're all in an office with guns pointed at each other, he takes the inspector hostage (although not for real, its a setup you see) and gets in a boat with an mp5 and 15 clips and goes to kill them and save the people in a container.
He arrives where all the containers are with a stethoscope to listen to see if the container has a heartbeat (or something) but gets caught and all of the henchmen of the boyzone guy know karate and one-by-one (as is the style) take him on and he disposes of them Jackie Chan style and jumps on top of the main container wagon. But he gets the crap kicked out of him and then he is in a Coach depot.
In a coach depot and gets chased onto a bus by about 500 henchmen and he kicks the crap out of them and locks them in (cause he is cool, presumably) He is leaving the depot when a large beardy man (who looks as if he is about to cry) starts on him. So he throws a few punches and stuff and then all of a sudden a few more kung-fu hemchmen arrive, and the director (who is decidedly gay) had them tip a big bown of oil/grease on the floor and make the young actors grab each others slippery and half naked bodies.
So the transported gets some bike pedals and tap dances his way about the oily puddle and kicks them all in the face and grunts a bit, then leaves to save those people and get the bad bad boyzone man. Then loads more blokes with guns come and he used the big weepy beardy man as a shield and he falls out into the convinently places river/sea below the window. They chuck a oil barrel out and set the sea on fire, but it burns faster than the films special effects budget and he survives.
Then, he is a the countryside in a small crap economy Eurpoean car, which breaks down so he hijacks a plane instead, and parachutes down onto the top of the container (which he just so happens to know the position of) and lands on top and kills the driver and then the boyzone bloke jumps in a beats him and hurls him out, BUT he doesnt really fall out, and he jumps back in and throws the boyzone bloke out and he mashes against the concrete. So now the goody is in control and they park up but the evil asian guy is still alive and threatens to kill his daughter because she won't go along with his evil plan (muhahahha)
So the Asian guy has the transporter at gunpoint but the asian chick shoots him in the back (cue subtitles about honour which should have been here). So, they let the people out of the container and get go and have some heated sex - the credits roll and you've lost 1 hour and twenty minutes of your life.
So, The Transporter, reviewed in a style totally pinched from Goaty and other comical geniuses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
So it begins, with a bald bloke who has driving gloves and desperately wants to be Rambo or Vin Diesel, but isn't, probably because he dropped out of acting school to work as a train driver.
Anyway, he drives about for a bit looking 'cool' in a Pierce Brosnan sense of the word, not actually cool, just 'cool' then picks some people up from a bank robbery and does some fancy driving (in a pedestrian area might I add!) he lands on the back of one of those big wagons that transport cars and, like in EVERY movie that contains them he releases the level and sends a car flying into the middle of the motorway (ever hear of brakes Mr Stunt Co-ordinator?)
So then he's in Spain or Italy or France (somewhere in Europe) and takes packages here and there, like a nice little messenger. The writer, at this point, decided Fight Club was a good movie and nicks the "rules" sorta thing and puts the 'rules' in the film.
1. Be specific with details
2. No names
3. Never open the package
Then he, of course, breaks the rules and looks inside one of his packages and finds some whingey Asian bird, gives her some Orangina, and then 'delivers' her. Then some nasty beardy bloke who looks like the evil one from Boyzone puts a bomb in his car, and as 'The Transporter' is buying some Orangina from a roadside cafe, his car goes bang.
So, being really upset (hey, he had a leather interior and air con!) he goes back to the evil bloke from Boyzone and kicks the crap out of all his mates and beats 3 people up with his chiseled jawline - but doesnt catch the main bad guy (he was at Boyzone rehearsals)
Then he takes the asias bird home and makes her noodles then they sleep and she snoops around his house and finds his old army pictures; then makes him coffee and biscuits in the morning and some inspecter bloke comes around and reveals that his car has been blown to hell with two dead cops in the boot (he always knows and plays the innocent)
Then some of the bad boyzone blokes mates blow The Transporters house up with a rocket launcher but they manage to escape through an underground series of water filled tunnels (like all houses have, y'know) and they come out in some other mansion and shag and then go to the police and find the details of the bloke who's trying to kill them and the Asian woman reveals her evil father is smuggling people from Asia in big containers.
Then they're all in an office with guns pointed at each other, he takes the inspector hostage (although not for real, its a setup you see) and gets in a boat with an mp5 and 15 clips and goes to kill them and save the people in a container.
He arrives where all the containers are with a stethoscope to listen to see if the container has a heartbeat (or something) but gets caught and all of the henchmen of the boyzone guy know karate and one-by-one (as is the style) take him on and he disposes of them Jackie Chan style and jumps on top of the main container wagon. But he gets the crap kicked out of him and then he is in a Coach depot.
In a coach depot and gets chased onto a bus by about 500 henchmen and he kicks the crap out of them and locks them in (cause he is cool, presumably) He is leaving the depot when a large beardy man (who looks as if he is about to cry) starts on him. So he throws a few punches and stuff and then all of a sudden a few more kung-fu hemchmen arrive, and the director (who is decidedly gay) had them tip a big bown of oil/grease on the floor and make the young actors grab each others slippery and half naked bodies.
So the transported gets some bike pedals and tap dances his way about the oily puddle and kicks them all in the face and grunts a bit, then leaves to save those people and get the bad bad boyzone man. Then loads more blokes with guns come and he used the big weepy beardy man as a shield and he falls out into the convinently places river/sea below the window. They chuck a oil barrel out and set the sea on fire, but it burns faster than the films special effects budget and he survives.
Then, he is a the countryside in a small crap economy Eurpoean car, which breaks down so he hijacks a plane instead, and parachutes down onto the top of the container (which he just so happens to know the position of) and lands on top and kills the driver and then the boyzone bloke jumps in a beats him and hurls him out, BUT he doesnt really fall out, and he jumps back in and throws the boyzone bloke out and he mashes against the concrete. So now the goody is in control and they park up but the evil asian guy is still alive and threatens to kill his daughter because she won't go along with his evil plan (muhahahha)
So the Asian guy has the transporter at gunpoint but the asian chick shoots him in the back (cue subtitles about honour which should have been here). So, they let the people out of the container and get go and have some heated sex - the credits roll and you've lost 1 hour and twenty minutes of your life.
Your review is basically a plot summary with you criticizing various points of it. I actually liked Transporter, granted it was cliché ridden, had a plot which didn't kick in until half way through and featured some atrocious acting in places particularly from the main bad guy, but the action was plentiful with lots of shooting, exploding, kung-fu'ing and a bit of car chasing which are all things I enjoy seeing in action films.
It's one of those movies where you take your brain out for 90 minutes and just forget about all the patchy acting, plot holes and been-there-done-that direction, but being produced by Luc Besson it does have the addition of humour which I always like to see in a film that doesn't take itself too seriously.
I also thing the bloke who starred as the Transporter (that guy off Lock Stock, I don't know his name) does well in the action hero role, but for the life of me I can't figure out why he's always cast as an American, his supposed yank accent is terrible.
Sure there's lots of things to dislike about the film, if you take it too seriously, but there are far worse out there.
It's one of those movies where you take your brain out for 90 minutes and just forget about all the patchy acting, plot holes and been-there-done-that direction, but being produced by Luc Besson it does have the addition of humour which I always like to see in a film that doesn't take itself too seriously.
I also thing the bloke who starred as the Transporter (that guy off Lock Stock, I don't know his name) does well in the action hero role, but for the life of me I can't figure out why he's always cast as an American, his supposed yank accent is terrible.
Sure there's lots of things to dislike about the film, if you take it too seriously, but there are far worse out there.
I do like the film, thats why I got it for xmas, but sometimes it is just fun to criticise things you like, just like you 'diss' your friends sometimes.
"granted it was cliché ridden, had a plot which didn't kick in until half way through and featured some atrocious acting in places particularly from the main bad guy,"
Put perfectly :-D
"granted it was cliché ridden, had a plot which didn't kick in until half way through and featured some atrocious acting in places particularly from the main bad guy,"
Put perfectly :-D
Jason Strathams American accent is so......bad
But he does do naughty, naughty things with kelly brook.
Therefore he is special ;¬D
But he does do naughty, naughty things with kelly brook.
Therefore he is special ;¬D
You have angered me.
Muchly
Kelly brook you will be mine, after I have ravaged the likes of Julia Styles and Heather Graham
Muchly
Kelly brook you will be mine, after I have ravaged the likes of Julia Styles and Heather Graham
Paradox wrote:
> I do like the film, thats why I got it for xmas, but sometimes it is
> just fun to criticise things you like, just like you 'diss' your
> friends sometimes.
Indeed, criticizing things can be fun, but more so when it's about something you really don't like. Which reminds me, I must get around to reviewing xXx someday.
> I do like the film, thats why I got it for xmas, but sometimes it is
> just fun to criticise things you like, just like you 'diss' your
> friends sometimes.
Indeed, criticizing things can be fun, but more so when it's about something you really don't like. Which reminds me, I must get around to reviewing xXx someday.
:-D
The Transporter was fantastic, a refreshing change from all the 'suspense thrillers' that have ruled the box-office recently.
oldmanfunk wrote:
> The Transporter was fantastic, a refreshing change from all the
> 'suspense thrillers' that have ruled the box-office recently.
It was awful ;)
> The Transporter was fantastic, a refreshing change from all the
> 'suspense thrillers' that have ruled the box-office recently.
It was awful ;)
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