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Rented this with The Wal on Saturday. I knew it'd be crap. I heard it was crap. It looked crap. But we couldn't agree on anything else. I wanted an action film, he wanted horror.
British film with that bloke from Deep Rising and Lock Stock. You know, the guy who reaches for the guns at the end.
Anyway, it's a WW2 set horror film, where a bunch of German troops, on the receiving end of an American whooping, hold up in an anti tank bunker with orders to stay, no matter what, until further notice.
The bunker has tunnels, see, for ammo storage. Only they're unfinished, and nobody is meant to go down. The bunker has the typical old man who believes the legends of the area (plague victims were butchered and buried there) and the following token characters -
The violent nutball
The impressionable young kid
The main character
The medic
The incompetant leader
The grizzled older soldier
The emotionally insane guy
The deadmeat guy
So far, so predictable. So the old man goes down to the tunnels to talk to his dead son. Indeed. The emotionally insane guy, upset at having to shoot deserters, wanders into the tunnels after him. Deadmeat guy sees they're missing and alerts the others. Incompetant leader sends main character and deadmeat guy down to the tunnels to find them both (old man and emotionally insane guy)
Wander in tunnels. Ooh, it's dark, therefore it MUST be scary! Deadmeat gets stabbed. Big surprise. Main character's torch goes off. Scary!
Incompetant leader and nutball find main character, torch suddenly works. TERRIFYING! Torches that mysteriously go off and on! My goodness! Nobody knows what's happened to deadmeat or emotionally insane guy.
Lots of "The Americans might be in the tunnels" talk. Nutball wants to kill everyone. Old man wanders around. Young guy falls in love with nutball (because he's impressionable)
More talking. More wandering through tunnels. Main character and medic find emotionally insane guy in room full of plague corpses. He runs off, gets shot by nutball and incompetant leader, who think he's an attacking American. Stuff caves in, incompetant leader killed.
Main character, medic and grizzled old soldier "see" German troops. And fire on them... for some reason. Troops have blindfolds on, like the guys they shot for deserting. See? It takes what you're scared of and projects it! No, that hasn't been done before! Ever... Apparantly these guys are scared of men in blindfolds. Surely, though, they can't see you...
Medic gets shot by nutball, nutball has knife, fights main character. Young boy, who's impressionable, proves his allegience by suddenly switching sides and helping main character. He's impressionable, don't you know.
Grizzled old soldier gets knifed, shoots nutball with flare gun. Films just starting. Oh, wait... main character starts digging with his handy, army issued spade. Which means it's the end of the film. Already. Without anything even remotely scary happening, or even anything interesting.
After five seconds, main character and boy have dug hole big enough to escape to the surface. But nutball won't let them leave. Fights with main character as fuse on explosives burns down (wait, I didn't mention that? That's OK, neither did they... just kidding, nutball and young boy, who is impressionable, wanted to blow up the shells so the yanks couldn't get them)
Main character starts to escape, after young boy (impressionable) but nutball grabs his leg. Bodies around him (the plague victims, for those in the back) start to moan and groan like zombies and almost bury him... BUT WAIT! Young boy (impressionable) pulls him out!
Main character gives our impressionable young friend a white... thing, to flash at the Americans. Then he sits in the forest alone. The end.
Well, that was certainly a waste of my time.
"Best British horror film in years!" the case said. Hmm...
Thankfully, even The Wal (the kid who loves crap like 28 Days Later and Swordfish, yet also loves classic gangster films... strange taste in film that lad) disliked it. Now he's the kind of kid who is still scared by horror films. He even told me he has nightmares after watching them (there goes his hard man image)
So, to summarise. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Main character digs hole. The End.
Avoid. It's not even good in a "it's so bad" way.
British film with that bloke from Deep Rising and Lock Stock. You know, the guy who reaches for the guns at the end.
Anyway, it's a WW2 set horror film, where a bunch of German troops, on the receiving end of an American whooping, hold up in an anti tank bunker with orders to stay, no matter what, until further notice.
The bunker has tunnels, see, for ammo storage. Only they're unfinished, and nobody is meant to go down. The bunker has the typical old man who believes the legends of the area (plague victims were butchered and buried there) and the following token characters -
The violent nutball
The impressionable young kid
The main character
The medic
The incompetant leader
The grizzled older soldier
The emotionally insane guy
The deadmeat guy
So far, so predictable. So the old man goes down to the tunnels to talk to his dead son. Indeed. The emotionally insane guy, upset at having to shoot deserters, wanders into the tunnels after him. Deadmeat guy sees they're missing and alerts the others. Incompetant leader sends main character and deadmeat guy down to the tunnels to find them both (old man and emotionally insane guy)
Wander in tunnels. Ooh, it's dark, therefore it MUST be scary! Deadmeat gets stabbed. Big surprise. Main character's torch goes off. Scary!
Incompetant leader and nutball find main character, torch suddenly works. TERRIFYING! Torches that mysteriously go off and on! My goodness! Nobody knows what's happened to deadmeat or emotionally insane guy.
Lots of "The Americans might be in the tunnels" talk. Nutball wants to kill everyone. Old man wanders around. Young guy falls in love with nutball (because he's impressionable)
More talking. More wandering through tunnels. Main character and medic find emotionally insane guy in room full of plague corpses. He runs off, gets shot by nutball and incompetant leader, who think he's an attacking American. Stuff caves in, incompetant leader killed.
Main character, medic and grizzled old soldier "see" German troops. And fire on them... for some reason. Troops have blindfolds on, like the guys they shot for deserting. See? It takes what you're scared of and projects it! No, that hasn't been done before! Ever... Apparantly these guys are scared of men in blindfolds. Surely, though, they can't see you...
Medic gets shot by nutball, nutball has knife, fights main character. Young boy, who's impressionable, proves his allegience by suddenly switching sides and helping main character. He's impressionable, don't you know.
Grizzled old soldier gets knifed, shoots nutball with flare gun. Films just starting. Oh, wait... main character starts digging with his handy, army issued spade. Which means it's the end of the film. Already. Without anything even remotely scary happening, or even anything interesting.
After five seconds, main character and boy have dug hole big enough to escape to the surface. But nutball won't let them leave. Fights with main character as fuse on explosives burns down (wait, I didn't mention that? That's OK, neither did they... just kidding, nutball and young boy, who is impressionable, wanted to blow up the shells so the yanks couldn't get them)
Main character starts to escape, after young boy (impressionable) but nutball grabs his leg. Bodies around him (the plague victims, for those in the back) start to moan and groan like zombies and almost bury him... BUT WAIT! Young boy (impressionable) pulls him out!
Main character gives our impressionable young friend a white... thing, to flash at the Americans. Then he sits in the forest alone. The end.
Well, that was certainly a waste of my time.
"Best British horror film in years!" the case said. Hmm...
Thankfully, even The Wal (the kid who loves crap like 28 Days Later and Swordfish, yet also loves classic gangster films... strange taste in film that lad) disliked it. Now he's the kind of kid who is still scared by horror films. He even told me he has nightmares after watching them (there goes his hard man image)
So, to summarise. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Main character digs hole. The End.
Avoid. It's not even good in a "it's so bad" way.
Maybe. If you can convert others.
I care now, does that mean I get some sort of higher position in the prophesied new world, Lord-Jo?
Oh, you'll care... I'll see to that.
When I've taken over the world, you'll ALL care.
Dun dun dun duuuuuuuun.... dun dun.
When I've taken over the world, you'll ALL care.
Dun dun dun duuuuuuuun.... dun dun.
maybe because nobody gives a shag
How can any of you dare not to comment on a post by Mojo, where The Wal is included.
Shame on you all.
Plus, it's all true.
Shame on you all.
Plus, it's all true.
Rented this with The Wal on Saturday. I knew it'd be crap. I heard it was crap. It looked crap. But we couldn't agree on anything else. I wanted an action film, he wanted horror.
British film with that bloke from Deep Rising and Lock Stock. You know, the guy who reaches for the guns at the end.
Anyway, it's a WW2 set horror film, where a bunch of German troops, on the receiving end of an American whooping, hold up in an anti tank bunker with orders to stay, no matter what, until further notice.
The bunker has tunnels, see, for ammo storage. Only they're unfinished, and nobody is meant to go down. The bunker has the typical old man who believes the legends of the area (plague victims were butchered and buried there) and the following token characters -
The violent nutball
The impressionable young kid
The main character
The medic
The incompetant leader
The grizzled older soldier
The emotionally insane guy
The deadmeat guy
So far, so predictable. So the old man goes down to the tunnels to talk to his dead son. Indeed. The emotionally insane guy, upset at having to shoot deserters, wanders into the tunnels after him. Deadmeat guy sees they're missing and alerts the others. Incompetant leader sends main character and deadmeat guy down to the tunnels to find them both (old man and emotionally insane guy)
Wander in tunnels. Ooh, it's dark, therefore it MUST be scary! Deadmeat gets stabbed. Big surprise. Main character's torch goes off. Scary!
Incompetant leader and nutball find main character, torch suddenly works. TERRIFYING! Torches that mysteriously go off and on! My goodness! Nobody knows what's happened to deadmeat or emotionally insane guy.
Lots of "The Americans might be in the tunnels" talk. Nutball wants to kill everyone. Old man wanders around. Young guy falls in love with nutball (because he's impressionable)
More talking. More wandering through tunnels. Main character and medic find emotionally insane guy in room full of plague corpses. He runs off, gets shot by nutball and incompetant leader, who think he's an attacking American. Stuff caves in, incompetant leader killed.
Main character, medic and grizzled old soldier "see" German troops. And fire on them... for some reason. Troops have blindfolds on, like the guys they shot for deserting. See? It takes what you're scared of and projects it! No, that hasn't been done before! Ever... Apparantly these guys are scared of men in blindfolds. Surely, though, they can't see you...
Medic gets shot by nutball, nutball has knife, fights main character. Young boy, who's impressionable, proves his allegience by suddenly switching sides and helping main character. He's impressionable, don't you know.
Grizzled old soldier gets knifed, shoots nutball with flare gun. Films just starting. Oh, wait... main character starts digging with his handy, army issued spade. Which means it's the end of the film. Already. Without anything even remotely scary happening, or even anything interesting.
After five seconds, main character and boy have dug hole big enough to escape to the surface. But nutball won't let them leave. Fights with main character as fuse on explosives burns down (wait, I didn't mention that? That's OK, neither did they... just kidding, nutball and young boy, who is impressionable, wanted to blow up the shells so the yanks couldn't get them)
Main character starts to escape, after young boy (impressionable) but nutball grabs his leg. Bodies around him (the plague victims, for those in the back) start to moan and groan like zombies and almost bury him... BUT WAIT! Young boy (impressionable) pulls him out!
Main character gives our impressionable young friend a white... thing, to flash at the Americans. Then he sits in the forest alone. The end.
Well, that was certainly a waste of my time.
"Best British horror film in years!" the case said. Hmm...
Thankfully, even The Wal (the kid who loves crap like 28 Days Later and Swordfish, yet also loves classic gangster films... strange taste in film that lad) disliked it. Now he's the kind of kid who is still scared by horror films. He even told me he has nightmares after watching them (there goes his hard man image)
So, to summarise. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Main character digs hole. The End.
Avoid. It's not even good in a "it's so bad" way.
British film with that bloke from Deep Rising and Lock Stock. You know, the guy who reaches for the guns at the end.
Anyway, it's a WW2 set horror film, where a bunch of German troops, on the receiving end of an American whooping, hold up in an anti tank bunker with orders to stay, no matter what, until further notice.
The bunker has tunnels, see, for ammo storage. Only they're unfinished, and nobody is meant to go down. The bunker has the typical old man who believes the legends of the area (plague victims were butchered and buried there) and the following token characters -
The violent nutball
The impressionable young kid
The main character
The medic
The incompetant leader
The grizzled older soldier
The emotionally insane guy
The deadmeat guy
So far, so predictable. So the old man goes down to the tunnels to talk to his dead son. Indeed. The emotionally insane guy, upset at having to shoot deserters, wanders into the tunnels after him. Deadmeat guy sees they're missing and alerts the others. Incompetant leader sends main character and deadmeat guy down to the tunnels to find them both (old man and emotionally insane guy)
Wander in tunnels. Ooh, it's dark, therefore it MUST be scary! Deadmeat gets stabbed. Big surprise. Main character's torch goes off. Scary!
Incompetant leader and nutball find main character, torch suddenly works. TERRIFYING! Torches that mysteriously go off and on! My goodness! Nobody knows what's happened to deadmeat or emotionally insane guy.
Lots of "The Americans might be in the tunnels" talk. Nutball wants to kill everyone. Old man wanders around. Young guy falls in love with nutball (because he's impressionable)
More talking. More wandering through tunnels. Main character and medic find emotionally insane guy in room full of plague corpses. He runs off, gets shot by nutball and incompetant leader, who think he's an attacking American. Stuff caves in, incompetant leader killed.
Main character, medic and grizzled old soldier "see" German troops. And fire on them... for some reason. Troops have blindfolds on, like the guys they shot for deserting. See? It takes what you're scared of and projects it! No, that hasn't been done before! Ever... Apparantly these guys are scared of men in blindfolds. Surely, though, they can't see you...
Medic gets shot by nutball, nutball has knife, fights main character. Young boy, who's impressionable, proves his allegience by suddenly switching sides and helping main character. He's impressionable, don't you know.
Grizzled old soldier gets knifed, shoots nutball with flare gun. Films just starting. Oh, wait... main character starts digging with his handy, army issued spade. Which means it's the end of the film. Already. Without anything even remotely scary happening, or even anything interesting.
After five seconds, main character and boy have dug hole big enough to escape to the surface. But nutball won't let them leave. Fights with main character as fuse on explosives burns down (wait, I didn't mention that? That's OK, neither did they... just kidding, nutball and young boy, who is impressionable, wanted to blow up the shells so the yanks couldn't get them)
Main character starts to escape, after young boy (impressionable) but nutball grabs his leg. Bodies around him (the plague victims, for those in the back) start to moan and groan like zombies and almost bury him... BUT WAIT! Young boy (impressionable) pulls him out!
Main character gives our impressionable young friend a white... thing, to flash at the Americans. Then he sits in the forest alone. The end.
Well, that was certainly a waste of my time.
"Best British horror film in years!" the case said. Hmm...
Thankfully, even The Wal (the kid who loves crap like 28 Days Later and Swordfish, yet also loves classic gangster films... strange taste in film that lad) disliked it. Now he's the kind of kid who is still scared by horror films. He even told me he has nightmares after watching them (there goes his hard man image)
So, to summarise. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Nothing happens. Main character digs hole. The End.
Avoid. It's not even good in a "it's so bad" way.