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Hey all, I have redrafted this story which I wrote about emm I dunno a month back for an English assignment and I would love it if you would all give me feedback. Believe me any rating is helpful and i'm open to constructive criticism. Thank you all :D
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A Guess
"Run! Move, move, move!" Chris screamed for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't run any faster though. My legs were aching, my feet were covered in blisters and my friends were running further and further away. I couldn’t understand it. They only left a few seconds before me. It was like some dark force had set its will against me, I could almost feel it holding me back and weighing down upon my shoulders.
"Chris! Brian! Wait for me!" I shouted down the passageway. I could see the room at the other end, our way home. It was an immaculate white room with a tender glow. I remember it from when I first went in. Like a silk blanket it enveloped my entire body in it’s warmth and caressed my skin.
"Come on you've got to move faster!" Exclaimed Brian as he quickly spun around. They had reached the exit. The room at the other end, the way we came in to this, this...I don't know what. "Come on you don't have much time!" he shouted. I couldn't run any faster though. I felt like I was about to faint as it was. I could see them mere feet away from the exit just waiting for me to get there. Suddenly though the door began to close.
"No! Wait! Help me!" I screamed but it was in vain. I watched on as their faces disappeared behind the door. My heart had sunk but my head urged me to proceed.
After hours of tripping, stumbling and falling around the chasm in which I was now encased I finally reached the door. I impulsively began to scream into the darkness. There was no longer anything around me except the light emanating from the sides of the door. "Brian! Chris! Can you hear me? I can't get out! The door, it’s, it's made of stone or something,” I shouted as I felt the cold, moist slab in my path.
I could feel the rock moving and shaking as Chris and Brian tried to make it bend to their will. I now loathed finding this tunnel, I loathed myself for bringing them to it and I was now in despair for I could not remember how I had opened the door to the cave. When I first took myself into the room now beyond my reach the world around me seemed to disappear. Nothing else mattered; I didn’t care about anything or anyone I just basked in its glorious splendour.
I could hear a noise now, a muffled sound from behind the door. Both Brian and Chris were screaming at me as they pleaded with me to remember how to open the door. I couldn’t remember though. When I was in that room I was in some sort of trance. I could remember everything that was important to me yet nothing was of any importance anymore. At the back of my mind however I could recall a clock. Yes it was a timer! And a grand one it was. It looked like a creation made for the gods themselves. Gold, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires and more, It was truly a precious device. I could barely believe that something so precious, something so pure would deliver the count down to my entrapment.
Unfortunately that information was of little help or relevance. I told them both what I remembered but they could no longer see it. They said it had gone, poof, vanished. Chris was hysterical now and I could barely make out what he was saying through the stone. I wasn't doing much better though. I couldn’t help but feel utterly alone, utterly helpless and so utterly trapped.
The loss of the clock was the final blow, I couldn't think of anything but the darkness that submerged me, and the hopelessness of my situation. It was then, when all other lights had gone out that I huddled up against the wall and cried. However no one came, I was given no comfort in my time of need.
Yet all hope was not lost. From within my dark prison I could hear Chris shout something to me. It was the news I had been praying for. He had found what he assumed was a way out, a way for me to go home! I pressed my body up against the stone cold door and listened keenly to what he had to say. Levers? He said there were levers! Three metal poles with stone orbs placed upon their heads.
There was still a problem though. I had no recollection of any levers at all. It was like some kind of cruel joke. It was like some higher power was toying with me.
"Are you still there? Just listen! All the different levers, well they are all different colours. There's a red one, a green one and this black one." Said Chris. I could not believe what he was saying. I had did not have a clue which was the lever to my salvation. Frankly I did not care however. I may not have known which was the right one to pull but surely if he pulled one at random. Like Russian roulette eventually freedom would be mine. I would see the sun light up the sky again; I would feel the wind upon my skin and hear the voices of my loved ones again.
I told him to pull them all. I was filled with glee as I stood in the darkness with a hunch in my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted but took comfort in the fact that my time there was almost over. However it was not to be. As Chris pulled the first lever there was a sickening click, as it fell into place, next I could hear cogs, twisting and turning with an eerie precision until there was a devastating scream following a sickening thud.
“What is it?” I bellowed into the stone. Brian cried as he told me of how our friend Chris was no more. He must have been a wreck and now he too was alone. Our situations had gone from bad to worse and I had no one but the darkness to confide in.
We needed action and we needed it now. I was desperate to survive this ordeal as my friends died around me. I began to beg to Brian. I begged him with all my heart to try and pull another lever. It was the only way. I had no other choice. You can’t possibly know what I had gone through done there. In this place there is evil. There was something in the earth and even the air around me that reeked felt like death itself.
I screamed, as I tasted the salt of my tears in my mouth and begged him to open the door. He was holding back his tears and choking on his words but he wanted to help me all the same. I don’t know if I would have done the same. I pleaded with him as he pleaded with me to remember, just remember what lever opened the door. This was when it happened. I didn’t even know what levers were left to pull but I took a guess.
"Pull the middle one..." I whispered to the rock.
"What!? Tell me now man." He shouted back.
"The middle one." I stated in a slightly louder voice. I could not remember the truth but I risked it all. I risked an eternity of confinement and my friend’s life on a guess, a gamble a chance to live.
"You're sure!? I don't want to die Stephen!" He said as his tone dropped.
"I'm sure, pull the lever Brian." I replied as I buried my head between my legs to muffle the sound of my tears. I could hear the cogs begin to turn again. Where they were I did not know but I could hear them connecting and disconnecting as they spun around determining our fates until...thud...
It's still quiet in here, still quiet in this tunnel. I can still see the light poking through the sides of the door but have given up all hope. To whomever may read this story inscribed upon this wall I beg of you, turn around before it is to late and save your soul for I wish I had.
---------------------
A Guess
"Run! Move, move, move!" Chris screamed for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't run any faster though. My legs were aching, my feet were covered in blisters and my friends were running further and further away. I couldn’t understand it. They only left a few seconds before me. It was like some dark force had set its will against me, I could almost feel it holding me back and weighing down upon my shoulders.
"Chris! Brian! Wait for me!" I shouted down the passageway. I could see the room at the other end, our way home. It was an immaculate white room with a tender glow. I remember it from when I first went in. Like a silk blanket it enveloped my entire body in it’s warmth and caressed my skin.
"Come on you've got to move faster!" Exclaimed Brian as he quickly spun around. They had reached the exit. The room at the other end, the way we came in to this, this...I don't know what. "Come on you don't have much time!" he shouted. I couldn't run any faster though. I felt like I was about to faint as it was. I could see them mere feet away from the exit just waiting for me to get there. Suddenly though the door began to close.
"No! Wait! Help me!" I screamed but it was in vain. I watched on as their faces disappeared behind the door. My heart had sunk but my head urged me to proceed.
After hours of tripping, stumbling and falling around the chasm in which I was now encased I finally reached the door. I impulsively began to scream into the darkness. There was no longer anything around me except the light emanating from the sides of the door. "Brian! Chris! Can you hear me? I can't get out! The door, it’s, it's made of stone or something,” I shouted as I felt the cold, moist slab in my path.
I could feel the rock moving and shaking as Chris and Brian tried to make it bend to their will. I now loathed finding this tunnel, I loathed myself for bringing them to it and I was now in despair for I could not remember how I had opened the door to the cave. When I first took myself into the room now beyond my reach the world around me seemed to disappear. Nothing else mattered; I didn’t care about anything or anyone I just basked in its glorious splendour.
I could hear a noise now, a muffled sound from behind the door. Both Brian and Chris were screaming at me as they pleaded with me to remember how to open the door. I couldn’t remember though. When I was in that room I was in some sort of trance. I could remember everything that was important to me yet nothing was of any importance anymore. At the back of my mind however I could recall a clock. Yes it was a timer! And a grand one it was. It looked like a creation made for the gods themselves. Gold, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires and more, It was truly a precious device. I could barely believe that something so precious, something so pure would deliver the count down to my entrapment.
Unfortunately that information was of little help or relevance. I told them both what I remembered but they could no longer see it. They said it had gone, poof, vanished. Chris was hysterical now and I could barely make out what he was saying through the stone. I wasn't doing much better though. I couldn’t help but feel utterly alone, utterly helpless and so utterly trapped.
The loss of the clock was the final blow, I couldn't think of anything but the darkness that submerged me, and the hopelessness of my situation. It was then, when all other lights had gone out that I huddled up against the wall and cried. However no one came, I was given no comfort in my time of need.
Yet all hope was not lost. From within my dark prison I could hear Chris shout something to me. It was the news I had been praying for. He had found what he assumed was a way out, a way for me to go home! I pressed my body up against the stone cold door and listened keenly to what he had to say. Levers? He said there were levers! Three metal poles with stone orbs placed upon their heads.
There was still a problem though. I had no recollection of any levers at all. It was like some kind of cruel joke. It was like some higher power was toying with me.
"Are you still there? Just listen! All the different levers, well they are all different colours. There's a red one, a green one and this black one." Said Chris. I could not believe what he was saying. I had did not have a clue which was the lever to my salvation. Frankly I did not care however. I may not have known which was the right one to pull but surely if he pulled one at random. Like Russian roulette eventually freedom would be mine. I would see the sun light up the sky again; I would feel the wind upon my skin and hear the voices of my loved ones again.
I told him to pull them all. I was filled with glee as I stood in the darkness with a hunch in my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted but took comfort in the fact that my time there was almost over. However it was not to be. As Chris pulled the first lever there was a sickening click, as it fell into place, next I could hear cogs, twisting and turning with an eerie precision until there was a devastating scream following a sickening thud.
“What is it?” I bellowed into the stone. Brian cried as he told me of how our friend Chris was no more. He must have been a wreck and now he too was alone. Our situations had gone from bad to worse and I had no one but the darkness to confide in.
We needed action and we needed it now. I was desperate to survive this ordeal as my friends died around me. I began to beg to Brian. I begged him with all my heart to try and pull another lever. It was the only way. I had no other choice. You can’t possibly know what I had gone through done there. In this place there is evil. There was something in the earth and even the air around me that reeked felt like death itself.
I screamed, as I tasted the salt of my tears in my mouth and begged him to open the door. He was holding back his tears and choking on his words but he wanted to help me all the same. I don’t know if I would have done the same. I pleaded with him as he pleaded with me to remember, just remember what lever opened the door. This was when it happened. I didn’t even know what levers were left to pull but I took a guess.
"Pull the middle one..." I whispered to the rock.
"What!? Tell me now man." He shouted back.
"The middle one." I stated in a slightly louder voice. I could not remember the truth but I risked it all. I risked an eternity of confinement and my friend’s life on a guess, a gamble a chance to live.
"You're sure!? I don't want to die Stephen!" He said as his tone dropped.
"I'm sure, pull the lever Brian." I replied as I buried my head between my legs to muffle the sound of my tears. I could hear the cogs begin to turn again. Where they were I did not know but I could hear them connecting and disconnecting as they spun around determining our fates until...thud...
It's still quiet in here, still quiet in this tunnel. I can still see the light poking through the sides of the door but have given up all hope. To whomever may read this story inscribed upon this wall I beg of you, turn around before it is to late and save your soul for I wish I had.
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Hey everyone, just thought I'd tie up a lose end and tell you that I got a Higher Level B+ for this Creative Writing piece at my school.
Thanks PB. Yeh I did kind of force all that into it. The original was plainly from my head to the screen but when I redrafted it for an english assignment I knew I had to raise the bar in many areas. Ack well, aslong as you enjoyed it I'm happy and I'll await the grade I get for it from English. Hope it's good:S:D
hm. The story in general was good, but I felt that you tried to hard to make it sound like a 'proper' story. It made it sound artificial in places.
What I mean is that during some parts of the story you sounded as if you were writing it as you heard it in your head and at other times you seemed to be trying to make it sound like a piece of 'English Literature' by using phrases and words you would not normally use. This sits uneasily with the rest of the story and, to me, interrupts the flow. I think you may have been trying too hard with the metaphorical side of the writing as well, some of it seems far too forced.
That is my only criticism though, so other than that I enjoyed it.
What I mean is that during some parts of the story you sounded as if you were writing it as you heard it in your head and at other times you seemed to be trying to make it sound like a piece of 'English Literature' by using phrases and words you would not normally use. This sits uneasily with the rest of the story and, to me, interrupts the flow. I think you may have been trying too hard with the metaphorical side of the writing as well, some of it seems far too forced.
That is my only criticism though, so other than that I enjoyed it.
Thanks FFF. Feedback muchly appreciated :D
The redraft is much better now - more desciption builds up a better picture.
And the loss of most of the dialogue is very good (but then, I put as little dialogue in my stories as possible - just my way) although I think someone should have spoken:
1) When they found the clock was gone and
2) When the 1st guy died - have Brian break down all sobbing and incoherant.
Still cool.
I know I could never be ar-sed to redraft anything I write.
And the loss of most of the dialogue is very good (but then, I put as little dialogue in my stories as possible - just my way) although I think someone should have spoken:
1) When they found the clock was gone and
2) When the 1st guy died - have Brian break down all sobbing and incoherant.
Still cool.
I know I could never be ar-sed to redraft anything I write.
RoJ wrote:
> I've read it before, you most have posted it twice.
> Anyway, yes it is good, especially the ending.
Yeh it's a redraft. I redrafted it so it was suitable for an English essay and wanted to know if any of you could think of anything that'd make it better. Anyway thanks for the feedback. Glad you still liked despite the massive loss of dialogue and lots more description:D
> I've read it before, you most have posted it twice.
> Anyway, yes it is good, especially the ending.
Yeh it's a redraft. I redrafted it so it was suitable for an English essay and wanted to know if any of you could think of anything that'd make it better. Anyway thanks for the feedback. Glad you still liked despite the massive loss of dialogue and lots more description:D
**tells Blank he smells of KY**
Cubist wrote:
> **waves a di|do in Blank's face**
Don't involve me in your bizarre sexual practices.
> Blank wrote:
> nyyyooooooooooooooomwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaooooooooooooooom
You asked for feedback, so I gave it to you.
> **waves a di|do in Blank's face**
Don't involve me in your bizarre sexual practices.
> Blank wrote:
> nyyyooooooooooooooomwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaooooooooooooooom
You asked for feedback, so I gave it to you.
I've read it before, you most have posted it twice.
Anyway, yes it is good, especially the ending.
Anyway, yes it is good, especially the ending.
Blank wrote:
> nyyyooooooooooooooomwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaooooooooooooooom
**waves a di|do in Blank's face**
> nyyyooooooooooooooomwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaooooooooooooooom
**waves a di|do in Blank's face**
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