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Goatboy's Review:
"I'm Jude Law. I'm on a train about to forced across the river Volga in a scene that desperately wants to be the 1st 20 mins of Saving Private Ryan, but ruins it with intrusive stirring music and dashing close-ups of my teeny face trying to display terror and shock"
"Shut up Jude Law, I'm the faceless Russian commander. We will shoot you if you turn back, this will display the senselessness of war and still hold true to outdated anti-Russian sentiment held in Hollywood. We could just do it, but we shall shout for 5 mins telling you that we will. Because we are evil faceless bogeymen"
"Hello Joseph Fiennes, I'm a sharpshooter"
"Hello Jude Law, I'm the initially-your-friend-character who then despises you but gains grudging respect just before my convenient death"
"Cool! Let's both make eyes at Rachel Weisz for a bit then"
"Ok"
"I'm Bob Hoskins, I used to be good."
"Jude Law is a hero, the Germans hate him. We ruleski!"
"Fetch Ed Harris to kill Jude Law, he can show his utter ruthlessnes and steely determination by closing a blind against wounded soldiers on the opposite train"
"Hello Ed Harris, you will be criminally underused in this film, much like in The Truman Show and Glengarry Glen Ross"
"I am cold and ruthless, and feel a kinship bordering on respect with this young opponent sniper"
"Now let us spend 40 mins establishing how similar Ed Harris and Jude Law are, using a child as a metaphor"
"I fancy you Rachel Weisz, and I look like Snoopy"
"Sorry Joseph Fiennes, I prefer Jude Law's handsome shiny head"
"Grrrr grrrr, he's nothing. I hate him now. Grrrr grrrr"
"Ron Perlman just died! He almost got shot through those teeth stolen from Richard Kiel in Moonraker"
"That sucks. Now Rachel Weisz, we shall make dirty love in a room full of people that are asleep"
"You're kinky Jude Law, rub your teeny face against mine"
"Right then, time to crowbar some pathos and show the horror of war"
"Damn, Ed Harris killed that kid"
"Kill Jude Law please Ed Harris"
"Ok, and here is a medal from my dead son, who'm I have never previously mentioned nor will again. You see, I am desensitised to the violence through the loss of my son and feel a kinship with this little Russian boy. But now I'll off him, because I'm steely and ruthless"
"Wow,you're mean"
"Yes. Life means nothing to me"
"I used to hate you Jude Law, but I realise that true love must prevail, even in war"
"Thanks Joseph Fiennes, now needlessly sacrifice yourself for no reason"
"Ok"
"HAHAHAHA Ed Harris, I totally sneaked up on you. I'm the best sniper ever"
"Yes you are. I display respect and admiration, for are we not similar people merely pitted against each other through wider politics that we have no control over? Why, I'm almost like the missing father figure to you, and you my surrogate son"
"...er...ok. Die now"
"I didn't die Jude Law! Let's live happily ever after!"
"Ok Rachel Weisz. Boy, war is hell eh?"
"Not really, we stayed clean and well fed and had dusty sex together"
"True"
"I'm Steven Spielberg, I hate nazis more than anyone. Look at the Indiana Jones movies, and my two war movies, and 1941. I don't have issues dammit"
"I'm Jude Law. I'm on a train about to forced across the river Volga in a scene that desperately wants to be the 1st 20 mins of Saving Private Ryan, but ruins it with intrusive stirring music and dashing close-ups of my teeny face trying to display terror and shock"
"Shut up Jude Law, I'm the faceless Russian commander. We will shoot you if you turn back, this will display the senselessness of war and still hold true to outdated anti-Russian sentiment held in Hollywood. We could just do it, but we shall shout for 5 mins telling you that we will. Because we are evil faceless bogeymen"
"Hello Joseph Fiennes, I'm a sharpshooter"
"Hello Jude Law, I'm the initially-your-friend-character who then despises you but gains grudging respect just before my convenient death"
"Cool! Let's both make eyes at Rachel Weisz for a bit then"
"Ok"
"I'm Bob Hoskins, I used to be good."
"Jude Law is a hero, the Germans hate him. We ruleski!"
"Fetch Ed Harris to kill Jude Law, he can show his utter ruthlessnes and steely determination by closing a blind against wounded soldiers on the opposite train"
"Hello Ed Harris, you will be criminally underused in this film, much like in The Truman Show and Glengarry Glen Ross"
"I am cold and ruthless, and feel a kinship bordering on respect with this young opponent sniper"
"Now let us spend 40 mins establishing how similar Ed Harris and Jude Law are, using a child as a metaphor"
"I fancy you Rachel Weisz, and I look like Snoopy"
"Sorry Joseph Fiennes, I prefer Jude Law's handsome shiny head"
"Grrrr grrrr, he's nothing. I hate him now. Grrrr grrrr"
"Ron Perlman just died! He almost got shot through those teeth stolen from Richard Kiel in Moonraker"
"That sucks. Now Rachel Weisz, we shall make dirty love in a room full of people that are asleep"
"You're kinky Jude Law, rub your teeny face against mine"
"Right then, time to crowbar some pathos and show the horror of war"
"Damn, Ed Harris killed that kid"
"Kill Jude Law please Ed Harris"
"Ok, and here is a medal from my dead son, who'm I have never previously mentioned nor will again. You see, I am desensitised to the violence through the loss of my son and feel a kinship with this little Russian boy. But now I'll off him, because I'm steely and ruthless"
"Wow,you're mean"
"Yes. Life means nothing to me"
"I used to hate you Jude Law, but I realise that true love must prevail, even in war"
"Thanks Joseph Fiennes, now needlessly sacrifice yourself for no reason"
"Ok"
"HAHAHAHA Ed Harris, I totally sneaked up on you. I'm the best sniper ever"
"Yes you are. I display respect and admiration, for are we not similar people merely pitted against each other through wider politics that we have no control over? Why, I'm almost like the missing father figure to you, and you my surrogate son"
"...er...ok. Die now"
"I didn't die Jude Law! Let's live happily ever after!"
"Ok Rachel Weisz. Boy, war is hell eh?"
"Not really, we stayed clean and well fed and had dusty sex together"
"True"
"I'm Steven Spielberg, I hate nazis more than anyone. Look at the Indiana Jones movies, and my two war movies, and 1941. I don't have issues dammit"
So did I. Ignore the lame love interest and it was almost a great film.
I thought it was a good film.
like in the stephen king 6 hour extravaganza - The Stand
another quality review goaty.
I agree about ed harris - he is a superb actor and seems to be overlooked far too often.
I agree about ed harris - he is a superb actor and seems to be overlooked far too often.
Quite possibly the greatest review posted here in a while.
And it's hilarious, because it's all true.
And it's hilarious, because it's all true.
I liked the real film, but I also like your comic take on it. Better put a copyright in before Senor Spielbergo steals it for his own!
Best thing I have read all day mate :-D
Goatboy's Review:
"I'm Jude Law. I'm on a train about to forced across the river Volga in a scene that desperately wants to be the 1st 20 mins of Saving Private Ryan, but ruins it with intrusive stirring music and dashing close-ups of my teeny face trying to display terror and shock"
"Shut up Jude Law, I'm the faceless Russian commander. We will shoot you if you turn back, this will display the senselessness of war and still hold true to outdated anti-Russian sentiment held in Hollywood. We could just do it, but we shall shout for 5 mins telling you that we will. Because we are evil faceless bogeymen"
"Hello Joseph Fiennes, I'm a sharpshooter"
"Hello Jude Law, I'm the initially-your-friend-character who then despises you but gains grudging respect just before my convenient death"
"Cool! Let's both make eyes at Rachel Weisz for a bit then"
"Ok"
"I'm Bob Hoskins, I used to be good."
"Jude Law is a hero, the Germans hate him. We ruleski!"
"Fetch Ed Harris to kill Jude Law, he can show his utter ruthlessnes and steely determination by closing a blind against wounded soldiers on the opposite train"
"Hello Ed Harris, you will be criminally underused in this film, much like in The Truman Show and Glengarry Glen Ross"
"I am cold and ruthless, and feel a kinship bordering on respect with this young opponent sniper"
"Now let us spend 40 mins establishing how similar Ed Harris and Jude Law are, using a child as a metaphor"
"I fancy you Rachel Weisz, and I look like Snoopy"
"Sorry Joseph Fiennes, I prefer Jude Law's handsome shiny head"
"Grrrr grrrr, he's nothing. I hate him now. Grrrr grrrr"
"Ron Perlman just died! He almost got shot through those teeth stolen from Richard Kiel in Moonraker"
"That sucks. Now Rachel Weisz, we shall make dirty love in a room full of people that are asleep"
"You're kinky Jude Law, rub your teeny face against mine"
"Right then, time to crowbar some pathos and show the horror of war"
"Damn, Ed Harris killed that kid"
"Kill Jude Law please Ed Harris"
"Ok, and here is a medal from my dead son, who'm I have never previously mentioned nor will again. You see, I am desensitised to the violence through the loss of my son and feel a kinship with this little Russian boy. But now I'll off him, because I'm steely and ruthless"
"Wow,you're mean"
"Yes. Life means nothing to me"
"I used to hate you Jude Law, but I realise that true love must prevail, even in war"
"Thanks Joseph Fiennes, now needlessly sacrifice yourself for no reason"
"Ok"
"HAHAHAHA Ed Harris, I totally sneaked up on you. I'm the best sniper ever"
"Yes you are. I display respect and admiration, for are we not similar people merely pitted against each other through wider politics that we have no control over? Why, I'm almost like the missing father figure to you, and you my surrogate son"
"...er...ok. Die now"
"I didn't die Jude Law! Let's live happily ever after!"
"Ok Rachel Weisz. Boy, war is hell eh?"
"Not really, we stayed clean and well fed and had dusty sex together"
"True"
"I'm Steven Spielberg, I hate nazis more than anyone. Look at the Indiana Jones movies, and my two war movies, and 1941. I don't have issues dammit"
"I'm Jude Law. I'm on a train about to forced across the river Volga in a scene that desperately wants to be the 1st 20 mins of Saving Private Ryan, but ruins it with intrusive stirring music and dashing close-ups of my teeny face trying to display terror and shock"
"Shut up Jude Law, I'm the faceless Russian commander. We will shoot you if you turn back, this will display the senselessness of war and still hold true to outdated anti-Russian sentiment held in Hollywood. We could just do it, but we shall shout for 5 mins telling you that we will. Because we are evil faceless bogeymen"
"Hello Joseph Fiennes, I'm a sharpshooter"
"Hello Jude Law, I'm the initially-your-friend-character who then despises you but gains grudging respect just before my convenient death"
"Cool! Let's both make eyes at Rachel Weisz for a bit then"
"Ok"
"I'm Bob Hoskins, I used to be good."
"Jude Law is a hero, the Germans hate him. We ruleski!"
"Fetch Ed Harris to kill Jude Law, he can show his utter ruthlessnes and steely determination by closing a blind against wounded soldiers on the opposite train"
"Hello Ed Harris, you will be criminally underused in this film, much like in The Truman Show and Glengarry Glen Ross"
"I am cold and ruthless, and feel a kinship bordering on respect with this young opponent sniper"
"Now let us spend 40 mins establishing how similar Ed Harris and Jude Law are, using a child as a metaphor"
"I fancy you Rachel Weisz, and I look like Snoopy"
"Sorry Joseph Fiennes, I prefer Jude Law's handsome shiny head"
"Grrrr grrrr, he's nothing. I hate him now. Grrrr grrrr"
"Ron Perlman just died! He almost got shot through those teeth stolen from Richard Kiel in Moonraker"
"That sucks. Now Rachel Weisz, we shall make dirty love in a room full of people that are asleep"
"You're kinky Jude Law, rub your teeny face against mine"
"Right then, time to crowbar some pathos and show the horror of war"
"Damn, Ed Harris killed that kid"
"Kill Jude Law please Ed Harris"
"Ok, and here is a medal from my dead son, who'm I have never previously mentioned nor will again. You see, I am desensitised to the violence through the loss of my son and feel a kinship with this little Russian boy. But now I'll off him, because I'm steely and ruthless"
"Wow,you're mean"
"Yes. Life means nothing to me"
"I used to hate you Jude Law, but I realise that true love must prevail, even in war"
"Thanks Joseph Fiennes, now needlessly sacrifice yourself for no reason"
"Ok"
"HAHAHAHA Ed Harris, I totally sneaked up on you. I'm the best sniper ever"
"Yes you are. I display respect and admiration, for are we not similar people merely pitted against each other through wider politics that we have no control over? Why, I'm almost like the missing father figure to you, and you my surrogate son"
"...er...ok. Die now"
"I didn't die Jude Law! Let's live happily ever after!"
"Ok Rachel Weisz. Boy, war is hell eh?"
"Not really, we stayed clean and well fed and had dusty sex together"
"True"
"I'm Steven Spielberg, I hate nazis more than anyone. Look at the Indiana Jones movies, and my two war movies, and 1941. I don't have issues dammit"