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MISSION ONE
After your console has crashed a few times, restarted at random and made strange bleeps, the 'waking-up' level should just have loaded up. The first big tip (quite a-part from the hideous double-entendres...) is to get as far away from the bed as possible. If the bed keeps drawing you back, throw the glass of water onto it and its seductive properties should be extinguished. Then proceed to the coffee machine and consume the unctuous black gloop that pours from it. Coffee is essential thoughout the day: so make sure you top up on caffeine at every available opportunity (Hint: following trails of weird corrugated cardboard mug-jumpers should lead you to an appropriate vendor)
MISSION B
This first racing level is where it starts to get really nasty. You've only got 14 minutes to get to work and it's raining hard. Start running towards the tube station, trying to avoid the dog poos and partially digested donor kebabs littering the pavement. When you get to the tube station, you'll be informed by an idiot with a big blue hat that the tube isn't running because the the whole Northern Line has been hijacked by renegade lobsters. Smack the idiot in the blue hat (and steal his coffee if your caffeine meter's running low), then run back out into the street.
By the time this has happened, you'll have about 2 minutes left on the clock. The only way to complete the mission now is to jump in the path of one of the speeding police cars. The collision should cause you to excrete sufficent adhesive bodily fluids as to maintain grip on the bonnet, and you should thusly be delivered promptly to your destination (with blood pouring down your shins and sporting a big beard fashioned from grazes and gravel.)
MISSION III
This level is survival-horror of the worst kind. You have to get through the whole morning without being spotted by your boss: crouch behind the recycling bin and the photocopier. If he catches you, you'll be made to do stuff with spreadsheets and make phonecalls to people with names like Scooty and Kambolina... so keep well out of his L.O.S. But remember, if you stray too far from your desk: that pesky team leader will draw you back and talk to you about the price of polar bears. If the boss approaches whilst this blabbering persists, use your post-it notes to distract the T.L. and then make a hasty escape behind the notice board adorned with all those amusing caricatures of the staff members. Earn bonus points by removing these hilarious pastiches and replacing them with polaroids of the staff's members (which can be found in the janitor's closet).
MISSION (iv)
If you've made it this far, you'll notice your controller starting to rumble. This will become increasingly violent until you manage to find and eat some sort of comestible deliciousness. If you've collected at least 100 pound tokens at this point, then you can opt to nip down to Pret-A-Monkey and purchase a 'chimpanzee and coral ciabatta'. If not, or if you're saving your pound tokens for something else, then it's a bit trickier.
First you need to get the Tippex from your office desk. Once you've acquired this, go to the computer terminal and start printing off some files. You'll hear a ridiculous tropical bird-type printer noise... at this point run over to the Team Leader (sat watching videos of Friends in 'the chillout zone') and pour the Tippex into his Pot Noodle. Confused by the birdie noises, he'll assume the white stuff in his lunch is actually birdie poo and so proceed to offer you the delicacy. He'll snigger as you scoff the contaminated mess, but really you've won... cos you know the nosh is tainted merely by 100ml of highly toxic chlorine-based paint. Ha.
MISSION 'five'
After lucheon, thirsting for fine wine and cake, you must escape from the working environment, wielding incredulous excuses about dentists and plumbers. There are 2 methods to tackle this mission: 'stealth' or 'dealth'. The 'stealthy' technique is fairly straight forward: edge towards the exit, confirming the aformentioned excuses with at least 5 colleagues before making a final dash for the elevator. As for 'dealth', well... 'dealth''s not actually a real word, but it lends a better ring to the aforementioned phrase. I really mean death: just kill everyone in the office before brazenly swaggering outside. It can be quite tricky, as the death dealing tools at your disposal are effectively just items of stationery. But with a little imagination, the stapler/staple-remover combo can be devastating indeed. Use the small Portugese cleaning lady to fend off attacks from the boss and team leader, then grab the large portable fan from a-top the filing cabinet. A quick tap should knock off the fan-guard, arming you with a large swirling rotor-blade type affair. Use this to butcher the remaining workers and then proceed home to the next level.
MISSION SIX?
This mission's a far more sedate, cerebral sort of experience. Sat on the sofa with wine and cake, you'll have to tackle the barrage of inquisiton that is afternoon quiz show mania. I'll walk you through it...
Q1 What B is an insect that makes honey? Answer: a bee
Q2 What year was King Dudley the Third sent to the moon? Answer: 1983
Q3 Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: because it was angry
Q4 How many questions have you got right so far? Answer: Pass
Q5 If, by law, you had to eat the same meal every day, for the rest of your life, what would it be? Answer: cheesy Ricicles with pickled herring
Q6 On the night of Wednesday 17th September, were you in the vicinity of The King Victoria public bar? Answer: absolutely not
Q178 bla bla bla, bumdiggledy bla bla-de bla? Answer: etc etc etc
...I could go on, but I won't. If you're stuck on any other questions, just drop me an email to [email protected]
MISSION (g.)
If you've managed to get this far, you'll be treated to the best part of 'A Day In The Life Of illzen'. There's no advice needed, just play video games. A video game where you get to play on video games, what I like to call a neo-quasi postmodern inverted surreal 'em up. Oh yes indeedy.
Once you've finished whatever game you selected, then you will have fully completed the game. There are thousands of different end sequences, depending on which game you chose: I rather enjoyed the outro to Mr Moskeeto on PS2. At the end of the ending sequence, take the game disc out of the console and go and do something more constructive. It's easy when you know how.
PS This isn't related to anything in the 'Design-a-game' competiton. At least I seriously hope not. If someone has actually designed a game that this is the walkthrough to, then I will be pursuing some sort of court injunction.
After your console has crashed a few times, restarted at random and made strange bleeps, the 'waking-up' level should just have loaded up. The first big tip (quite a-part from the hideous double-entendres...) is to get as far away from the bed as possible. If the bed keeps drawing you back, throw the glass of water onto it and its seductive properties should be extinguished. Then proceed to the coffee machine and consume the unctuous black gloop that pours from it. Coffee is essential thoughout the day: so make sure you top up on caffeine at every available opportunity (Hint: following trails of weird corrugated cardboard mug-jumpers should lead you to an appropriate vendor)
MISSION B
This first racing level is where it starts to get really nasty. You've only got 14 minutes to get to work and it's raining hard. Start running towards the tube station, trying to avoid the dog poos and partially digested donor kebabs littering the pavement. When you get to the tube station, you'll be informed by an idiot with a big blue hat that the tube isn't running because the the whole Northern Line has been hijacked by renegade lobsters. Smack the idiot in the blue hat (and steal his coffee if your caffeine meter's running low), then run back out into the street.
By the time this has happened, you'll have about 2 minutes left on the clock. The only way to complete the mission now is to jump in the path of one of the speeding police cars. The collision should cause you to excrete sufficent adhesive bodily fluids as to maintain grip on the bonnet, and you should thusly be delivered promptly to your destination (with blood pouring down your shins and sporting a big beard fashioned from grazes and gravel.)
MISSION III
This level is survival-horror of the worst kind. You have to get through the whole morning without being spotted by your boss: crouch behind the recycling bin and the photocopier. If he catches you, you'll be made to do stuff with spreadsheets and make phonecalls to people with names like Scooty and Kambolina... so keep well out of his L.O.S. But remember, if you stray too far from your desk: that pesky team leader will draw you back and talk to you about the price of polar bears. If the boss approaches whilst this blabbering persists, use your post-it notes to distract the T.L. and then make a hasty escape behind the notice board adorned with all those amusing caricatures of the staff members. Earn bonus points by removing these hilarious pastiches and replacing them with polaroids of the staff's members (which can be found in the janitor's closet).
MISSION (iv)
If you've made it this far, you'll notice your controller starting to rumble. This will become increasingly violent until you manage to find and eat some sort of comestible deliciousness. If you've collected at least 100 pound tokens at this point, then you can opt to nip down to Pret-A-Monkey and purchase a 'chimpanzee and coral ciabatta'. If not, or if you're saving your pound tokens for something else, then it's a bit trickier.
First you need to get the Tippex from your office desk. Once you've acquired this, go to the computer terminal and start printing off some files. You'll hear a ridiculous tropical bird-type printer noise... at this point run over to the Team Leader (sat watching videos of Friends in 'the chillout zone') and pour the Tippex into his Pot Noodle. Confused by the birdie noises, he'll assume the white stuff in his lunch is actually birdie poo and so proceed to offer you the delicacy. He'll snigger as you scoff the contaminated mess, but really you've won... cos you know the nosh is tainted merely by 100ml of highly toxic chlorine-based paint. Ha.
MISSION 'five'
After lucheon, thirsting for fine wine and cake, you must escape from the working environment, wielding incredulous excuses about dentists and plumbers. There are 2 methods to tackle this mission: 'stealth' or 'dealth'. The 'stealthy' technique is fairly straight forward: edge towards the exit, confirming the aformentioned excuses with at least 5 colleagues before making a final dash for the elevator. As for 'dealth', well... 'dealth''s not actually a real word, but it lends a better ring to the aforementioned phrase. I really mean death: just kill everyone in the office before brazenly swaggering outside. It can be quite tricky, as the death dealing tools at your disposal are effectively just items of stationery. But with a little imagination, the stapler/staple-remover combo can be devastating indeed. Use the small Portugese cleaning lady to fend off attacks from the boss and team leader, then grab the large portable fan from a-top the filing cabinet. A quick tap should knock off the fan-guard, arming you with a large swirling rotor-blade type affair. Use this to butcher the remaining workers and then proceed home to the next level.
MISSION SIX?
This mission's a far more sedate, cerebral sort of experience. Sat on the sofa with wine and cake, you'll have to tackle the barrage of inquisiton that is afternoon quiz show mania. I'll walk you through it...
Q1 What B is an insect that makes honey? Answer: a bee
Q2 What year was King Dudley the Third sent to the moon? Answer: 1983
Q3 Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: because it was angry
Q4 How many questions have you got right so far? Answer: Pass
Q5 If, by law, you had to eat the same meal every day, for the rest of your life, what would it be? Answer: cheesy Ricicles with pickled herring
Q6 On the night of Wednesday 17th September, were you in the vicinity of The King Victoria public bar? Answer: absolutely not
Q178 bla bla bla, bumdiggledy bla bla-de bla? Answer: etc etc etc
...I could go on, but I won't. If you're stuck on any other questions, just drop me an email to [email protected]
MISSION (g.)
If you've managed to get this far, you'll be treated to the best part of 'A Day In The Life Of illzen'. There's no advice needed, just play video games. A video game where you get to play on video games, what I like to call a neo-quasi postmodern inverted surreal 'em up. Oh yes indeedy.
Once you've finished whatever game you selected, then you will have fully completed the game. There are thousands of different end sequences, depending on which game you chose: I rather enjoyed the outro to Mr Moskeeto on PS2. At the end of the ending sequence, take the game disc out of the console and go and do something more constructive. It's easy when you know how.
PS This isn't related to anything in the 'Design-a-game' competiton. At least I seriously hope not. If someone has actually designed a game that this is the walkthrough to, then I will be pursuing some sort of court injunction.
Funny, thanks for relieving my boredom. I always find the trickiest mission to be the first one.
MISSION ONE
After your console has crashed a few times, restarted at random and made strange bleeps, the 'waking-up' level should just have loaded up. The first big tip (quite a-part from the hideous double-entendres...) is to get as far away from the bed as possible. If the bed keeps drawing you back, throw the glass of water onto it and its seductive properties should be extinguished. Then proceed to the coffee machine and consume the unctuous black gloop that pours from it. Coffee is essential thoughout the day: so make sure you top up on caffeine at every available opportunity (Hint: following trails of weird corrugated cardboard mug-jumpers should lead you to an appropriate vendor)
MISSION B
This first racing level is where it starts to get really nasty. You've only got 14 minutes to get to work and it's raining hard. Start running towards the tube station, trying to avoid the dog poos and partially digested donor kebabs littering the pavement. When you get to the tube station, you'll be informed by an idiot with a big blue hat that the tube isn't running because the the whole Northern Line has been hijacked by renegade lobsters. Smack the idiot in the blue hat (and steal his coffee if your caffeine meter's running low), then run back out into the street.
By the time this has happened, you'll have about 2 minutes left on the clock. The only way to complete the mission now is to jump in the path of one of the speeding police cars. The collision should cause you to excrete sufficent adhesive bodily fluids as to maintain grip on the bonnet, and you should thusly be delivered promptly to your destination (with blood pouring down your shins and sporting a big beard fashioned from grazes and gravel.)
MISSION III
This level is survival-horror of the worst kind. You have to get through the whole morning without being spotted by your boss: crouch behind the recycling bin and the photocopier. If he catches you, you'll be made to do stuff with spreadsheets and make phonecalls to people with names like Scooty and Kambolina... so keep well out of his L.O.S. But remember, if you stray too far from your desk: that pesky team leader will draw you back and talk to you about the price of polar bears. If the boss approaches whilst this blabbering persists, use your post-it notes to distract the T.L. and then make a hasty escape behind the notice board adorned with all those amusing caricatures of the staff members. Earn bonus points by removing these hilarious pastiches and replacing them with polaroids of the staff's members (which can be found in the janitor's closet).
MISSION (iv)
If you've made it this far, you'll notice your controller starting to rumble. This will become increasingly violent until you manage to find and eat some sort of comestible deliciousness. If you've collected at least 100 pound tokens at this point, then you can opt to nip down to Pret-A-Monkey and purchase a 'chimpanzee and coral ciabatta'. If not, or if you're saving your pound tokens for something else, then it's a bit trickier.
First you need to get the Tippex from your office desk. Once you've acquired this, go to the computer terminal and start printing off some files. You'll hear a ridiculous tropical bird-type printer noise... at this point run over to the Team Leader (sat watching videos of Friends in 'the chillout zone') and pour the Tippex into his Pot Noodle. Confused by the birdie noises, he'll assume the white stuff in his lunch is actually birdie poo and so proceed to offer you the delicacy. He'll snigger as you scoff the contaminated mess, but really you've won... cos you know the nosh is tainted merely by 100ml of highly toxic chlorine-based paint. Ha.
MISSION 'five'
After lucheon, thirsting for fine wine and cake, you must escape from the working environment, wielding incredulous excuses about dentists and plumbers. There are 2 methods to tackle this mission: 'stealth' or 'dealth'. The 'stealthy' technique is fairly straight forward: edge towards the exit, confirming the aformentioned excuses with at least 5 colleagues before making a final dash for the elevator. As for 'dealth', well... 'dealth''s not actually a real word, but it lends a better ring to the aforementioned phrase. I really mean death: just kill everyone in the office before brazenly swaggering outside. It can be quite tricky, as the death dealing tools at your disposal are effectively just items of stationery. But with a little imagination, the stapler/staple-remover combo can be devastating indeed. Use the small Portugese cleaning lady to fend off attacks from the boss and team leader, then grab the large portable fan from a-top the filing cabinet. A quick tap should knock off the fan-guard, arming you with a large swirling rotor-blade type affair. Use this to butcher the remaining workers and then proceed home to the next level.
MISSION SIX?
This mission's a far more sedate, cerebral sort of experience. Sat on the sofa with wine and cake, you'll have to tackle the barrage of inquisiton that is afternoon quiz show mania. I'll walk you through it...
Q1 What B is an insect that makes honey? Answer: a bee
Q2 What year was King Dudley the Third sent to the moon? Answer: 1983
Q3 Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: because it was angry
Q4 How many questions have you got right so far? Answer: Pass
Q5 If, by law, you had to eat the same meal every day, for the rest of your life, what would it be? Answer: cheesy Ricicles with pickled herring
Q6 On the night of Wednesday 17th September, were you in the vicinity of The King Victoria public bar? Answer: absolutely not
Q178 bla bla bla, bumdiggledy bla bla-de bla? Answer: etc etc etc
...I could go on, but I won't. If you're stuck on any other questions, just drop me an email to [email protected]
MISSION (g.)
If you've managed to get this far, you'll be treated to the best part of 'A Day In The Life Of illzen'. There's no advice needed, just play video games. A video game where you get to play on video games, what I like to call a neo-quasi postmodern inverted surreal 'em up. Oh yes indeedy.
Once you've finished whatever game you selected, then you will have fully completed the game. There are thousands of different end sequences, depending on which game you chose: I rather enjoyed the outro to Mr Moskeeto on PS2. At the end of the ending sequence, take the game disc out of the console and go and do something more constructive. It's easy when you know how.
PS This isn't related to anything in the 'Design-a-game' competiton. At least I seriously hope not. If someone has actually designed a game that this is the walkthrough to, then I will be pursuing some sort of court injunction.
After your console has crashed a few times, restarted at random and made strange bleeps, the 'waking-up' level should just have loaded up. The first big tip (quite a-part from the hideous double-entendres...) is to get as far away from the bed as possible. If the bed keeps drawing you back, throw the glass of water onto it and its seductive properties should be extinguished. Then proceed to the coffee machine and consume the unctuous black gloop that pours from it. Coffee is essential thoughout the day: so make sure you top up on caffeine at every available opportunity (Hint: following trails of weird corrugated cardboard mug-jumpers should lead you to an appropriate vendor)
MISSION B
This first racing level is where it starts to get really nasty. You've only got 14 minutes to get to work and it's raining hard. Start running towards the tube station, trying to avoid the dog poos and partially digested donor kebabs littering the pavement. When you get to the tube station, you'll be informed by an idiot with a big blue hat that the tube isn't running because the the whole Northern Line has been hijacked by renegade lobsters. Smack the idiot in the blue hat (and steal his coffee if your caffeine meter's running low), then run back out into the street.
By the time this has happened, you'll have about 2 minutes left on the clock. The only way to complete the mission now is to jump in the path of one of the speeding police cars. The collision should cause you to excrete sufficent adhesive bodily fluids as to maintain grip on the bonnet, and you should thusly be delivered promptly to your destination (with blood pouring down your shins and sporting a big beard fashioned from grazes and gravel.)
MISSION III
This level is survival-horror of the worst kind. You have to get through the whole morning without being spotted by your boss: crouch behind the recycling bin and the photocopier. If he catches you, you'll be made to do stuff with spreadsheets and make phonecalls to people with names like Scooty and Kambolina... so keep well out of his L.O.S. But remember, if you stray too far from your desk: that pesky team leader will draw you back and talk to you about the price of polar bears. If the boss approaches whilst this blabbering persists, use your post-it notes to distract the T.L. and then make a hasty escape behind the notice board adorned with all those amusing caricatures of the staff members. Earn bonus points by removing these hilarious pastiches and replacing them with polaroids of the staff's members (which can be found in the janitor's closet).
MISSION (iv)
If you've made it this far, you'll notice your controller starting to rumble. This will become increasingly violent until you manage to find and eat some sort of comestible deliciousness. If you've collected at least 100 pound tokens at this point, then you can opt to nip down to Pret-A-Monkey and purchase a 'chimpanzee and coral ciabatta'. If not, or if you're saving your pound tokens for something else, then it's a bit trickier.
First you need to get the Tippex from your office desk. Once you've acquired this, go to the computer terminal and start printing off some files. You'll hear a ridiculous tropical bird-type printer noise... at this point run over to the Team Leader (sat watching videos of Friends in 'the chillout zone') and pour the Tippex into his Pot Noodle. Confused by the birdie noises, he'll assume the white stuff in his lunch is actually birdie poo and so proceed to offer you the delicacy. He'll snigger as you scoff the contaminated mess, but really you've won... cos you know the nosh is tainted merely by 100ml of highly toxic chlorine-based paint. Ha.
MISSION 'five'
After lucheon, thirsting for fine wine and cake, you must escape from the working environment, wielding incredulous excuses about dentists and plumbers. There are 2 methods to tackle this mission: 'stealth' or 'dealth'. The 'stealthy' technique is fairly straight forward: edge towards the exit, confirming the aformentioned excuses with at least 5 colleagues before making a final dash for the elevator. As for 'dealth', well... 'dealth''s not actually a real word, but it lends a better ring to the aforementioned phrase. I really mean death: just kill everyone in the office before brazenly swaggering outside. It can be quite tricky, as the death dealing tools at your disposal are effectively just items of stationery. But with a little imagination, the stapler/staple-remover combo can be devastating indeed. Use the small Portugese cleaning lady to fend off attacks from the boss and team leader, then grab the large portable fan from a-top the filing cabinet. A quick tap should knock off the fan-guard, arming you with a large swirling rotor-blade type affair. Use this to butcher the remaining workers and then proceed home to the next level.
MISSION SIX?
This mission's a far more sedate, cerebral sort of experience. Sat on the sofa with wine and cake, you'll have to tackle the barrage of inquisiton that is afternoon quiz show mania. I'll walk you through it...
Q1 What B is an insect that makes honey? Answer: a bee
Q2 What year was King Dudley the Third sent to the moon? Answer: 1983
Q3 Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: because it was angry
Q4 How many questions have you got right so far? Answer: Pass
Q5 If, by law, you had to eat the same meal every day, for the rest of your life, what would it be? Answer: cheesy Ricicles with pickled herring
Q6 On the night of Wednesday 17th September, were you in the vicinity of The King Victoria public bar? Answer: absolutely not
Q178 bla bla bla, bumdiggledy bla bla-de bla? Answer: etc etc etc
...I could go on, but I won't. If you're stuck on any other questions, just drop me an email to [email protected]
MISSION (g.)
If you've managed to get this far, you'll be treated to the best part of 'A Day In The Life Of illzen'. There's no advice needed, just play video games. A video game where you get to play on video games, what I like to call a neo-quasi postmodern inverted surreal 'em up. Oh yes indeedy.
Once you've finished whatever game you selected, then you will have fully completed the game. There are thousands of different end sequences, depending on which game you chose: I rather enjoyed the outro to Mr Moskeeto on PS2. At the end of the ending sequence, take the game disc out of the console and go and do something more constructive. It's easy when you know how.
PS This isn't related to anything in the 'Design-a-game' competiton. At least I seriously hope not. If someone has actually designed a game that this is the walkthrough to, then I will be pursuing some sort of court injunction.