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And so, in his honour, I thought I’d treat you to a particularly angry rant that I jotted down a couple of years ago when I was in a similar situation to him. Poor chap; he hasn’t learned yet of the full extent of the evil of wimmin!
Women: You're all a shower of cocknozzles.
Okay, I realise that perhaps that seems a trifle harsh. Misogynistic even. D'you know something? I am now completely past giving even the remotest semblance of a damn whether it is or not. Why am I, a twentysomething male with a good butt and a useful line in spontaneous wit (and, some might say, casual arrogance) so angry at the female of the species? What cloud could possibly darken the horizon for me?
Let me give you a clue; any man who has ever heard the words “I feel like I can trust you”, "You're like a brother to me" or "You're my best friend" off an achingly gorgeous woman will almost certainly be horribly familiar with the tirade that is about to unfold.
A bit of background first; a couple of years back both myself and a friend found ourselves having been dumped by our respective girlfriends at roughly the same time. I was, for the first time since my teenaged years, single. And so, remembering the advice given to me by my lady friends, I set about doing my best to attract and woo myself back into a relationship.
Okay, I've read that back and even I can see that it's complete toss. What actually happened was that I asked my friends how I could guarantee myself a shag. Not particularly chivalrous I admit but hey, I'd been in a relationship for 9 years; cut me a little bit of slack here.
Anyway the advice of the ladies was; to behave like a gentleman; be friendly and outgoing (well duh...), don't be afraid to use flattery, and generally portray oneself as a decent bloke.
However, it has become increasingly apparent over the last year and a bit that they were either;
A - Lying
B - Having a laugh at my expense
C- Kidding themselves, or
D- They have no idea what women want.
And what women want, what they really really want, is a complete and total nobweasel of a man who will treat them with supreme indifference and, if they're really lucky, utter contempt. Well who woulda thunk it....
Of course, I've already discussed this with some of my lady friends, and their reaction has uniformly been "No we don't, women want a nice man who'll make them feel special". And so I feel it is my duty to explain to any men who found themselves in my situation that you very simply should NOT listen to any woman’s “ideal man” wishlist. It’s invariably a cluster of lies polluting the pure and truthful waters of DESPERATELY trying to get laid.
I feel that at this point I should offer an example of the truth of this statement by way of an explanation as to why I've come to this conclusion. And it's quite a simple one really. It all boils down to the comparative rates of pulling endured by me and enjoyed by my friend since splitting with our good ladies.
I have, almost without exception, tried to behave like a gent in that time. No easy task when you’re as full of impotent rage at the world as I am, and I accept that this may seem difficult to swallow (though not nearly as difficult as it is to persuade a young lady to do so...). Believe me, it wasn't easy for me to keep hidden the bile and rancour that comes so naturally to me! But by and large, I've done my best to be a decent human being.
In the meantime my friend, in all the finest traditions of the recently dumped, behaved like a soap opera villain; sleeping with his best friends girlfriend, copping off with his step-sister in a nightclub mere months before her wedding (to another friend of his), getting one of his housemates drunk so that he could get her into bed, doing his best to make sure that the blame for any and all of this landed anywhere but on his own head...you know, all the kind of stuff that a woman would say that she can't stand.
And yet, whereas I found my testicles swelling to the size of a small cottage in Suffolk due an extraordinary lack of amorous activity, that bucket of steaming blood clots had to order himself a bigger and sh!ttier stick with which to beat off the colossal number of women who cannot wait to get their oestrogen swollen hands on him! I GOT LAID 3 TIMES IN 9 MONTHS!! IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!
And it gets better; whenever I complain about this (and oh, how I complain...) I am told that I should be grateful! Why should I be grateful? Well, I have acquired a much better and trusting relationship with whichever particular woman I spent my time getting to know, being friendly toward, treating her with respect, etc, whereas every woman he has slept with can't stand the sight of him.
Well, that's a massive consolation! I'm sure that the knowledge of how many good looking, sexually active, female friends I have will get me through the night WHEN I'M ON MY SODDING OWN AGAIN! THAT ASSHATTED HELMET HOOD IS BALLS DEEP WHENEVER HE WANTS! D'YOU THINK HE GIVES A SLIMY DAMN ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH THE KIND OF SIMPERING TART WHO’D THROW OPEN HER LEGS FOR A BALL-LICKER LIKE HIM?!
(Incidentally, I suppose that in the interests of candour, I should come clean and admit that he is a better-looking man than I am. Even so, I like to think I'm not a hideously disfigured Elephant man lookalike. Feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken in this belief. Actually, on second thoughts.... don’t.)
Yet the ladies still keep saying "No, we don't want a b*****d. We want a nice man who...". And it's at that point that I usually lean in towards them and look them in the eye. I look them in the eye so that they know that what I'm about to say is important. And then, in a loud and clear voice, I say "B*ll*cks".
Every single woman who has started this particular line has now met with that particular response. And with few exceptions, they have a track record with men that would put Eva Braun to shame. They have almost all, with very few exceptions, spent large portions of their time with chaps who treated them with all the respect that would be due to a vomit-soaked tramp.
Those who have not ended up wasting their time with men like my friend (and blubbered “But I can change him!” when he invariably lets them down) are lying, gay, or are just too ashamed to admit that they have done. If ANYONE can respond to me and prove me wrong, then I will gladly offer a personal apology to them for implying that they have, at some point in their lives, gone out with a man whom they know in the depths of their soul to be a bad, bad man who would bring them nothing but grief.
Still, I must concede that some women don't hanker after a bad lad. You know the type; ugly women. These are the women whom the likes of my friend consider too vile to have anything to do with. After all, why should he when he can have his pick of gorgeous women, ALL OF WHOM COME CRYING TO THE LIKES OF IDIOTS LIKE ME WHEN IT ALL GOES HORRIBLY WRONG!!
I am SICK to death of this! I've lost count of how many teary and humiliated women I've sat with, reassuring them that no, they're not a vile freak of nature and yes, he obviously doesn't know what he's missing out on. Oh...and you're feeling better now? So...oh, there you go with another piece of mungmong who manages to both lower your self esteem AND convince you of how much you need him. Can you really blame me for being so angry about this?!
Honest to Christ, I'm really starting to think I should just cut the damned thing off, or turn celibate, or try and convince myself I fancy other men; anything at all rather than go through the torturous routine of yet another woman bleating that "You wouldn't want to go out with me; my life is such a mess". Hm, yes, I'm sure that I'd want nothing to do with your exceptionally tight, pert little mess. Why that would just break my heart...
If it's not that, it's a friend saying "Well, women tend to like a bit of a bad lad when they're younger. They grow out of it though..." WHEN?! I'M TWENTY SODDING FIVE; HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT GODDAMMIT!?!! And now that I come to think about it, I'm not even sure I like that as an explanation; are they trying to say that the best I can hope for is some wrinkled and sagging 40 year who’s son has more in common with me than she does?
Anyway, the point of all of this...well, the point is for me to get this out of my system really, but I do have a point I want to make as well. More of a plea really (something I’ve had to get used to in the barren months since getting dumped...); ladies, if you're going to be friends with a man then do him one massive favour from the outset; make it very VERY clear that you have no desire whatsoever to sleep with him. Honestly, it'll save a lot of time and heartache, and it will also mean that those men who remain your friends are REALLY your friends, and are not just hanging around in the desperate hope that one day you'll suddenly want to screw them. That way, people like me with find it less intolerable seeing you walking out of the door, arm in arm with yet another bundle of testosterone and turds.
Women: You're all a shower of cocknozzles.
Okay, I realise that perhaps that seems a trifle harsh. Misogynistic even. D'you know something? I am now completely past giving even the remotest semblance of a damn whether it is or not. Why am I, a twentysomething male with a good butt and a useful line in spontaneous wit (and, some might say, casual arrogance) so angry at the female of the species? What cloud could possibly darken the horizon for me?
Let me give you a clue; any man who has ever heard the words “I feel like I can trust you”, "You're like a brother to me" or "You're my best friend" off an achingly gorgeous woman will almost certainly be horribly familiar with the tirade that is about to unfold.
A bit of background first; a couple of years back both myself and a friend found ourselves having been dumped by our respective girlfriends at roughly the same time. I was, for the first time since my teenaged years, single. And so, remembering the advice given to me by my lady friends, I set about doing my best to attract and woo myself back into a relationship.
Okay, I've read that back and even I can see that it's complete toss. What actually happened was that I asked my friends how I could guarantee myself a shag. Not particularly chivalrous I admit but hey, I'd been in a relationship for 9 years; cut me a little bit of slack here.
Anyway the advice of the ladies was; to behave like a gentleman; be friendly and outgoing (well duh...), don't be afraid to use flattery, and generally portray oneself as a decent bloke.
However, it has become increasingly apparent over the last year and a bit that they were either;
A - Lying
B - Having a laugh at my expense
C- Kidding themselves, or
D- They have no idea what women want.
And what women want, what they really really want, is a complete and total nobweasel of a man who will treat them with supreme indifference and, if they're really lucky, utter contempt. Well who woulda thunk it....
Of course, I've already discussed this with some of my lady friends, and their reaction has uniformly been "No we don't, women want a nice man who'll make them feel special". And so I feel it is my duty to explain to any men who found themselves in my situation that you very simply should NOT listen to any woman’s “ideal man” wishlist. It’s invariably a cluster of lies polluting the pure and truthful waters of DESPERATELY trying to get laid.
I feel that at this point I should offer an example of the truth of this statement by way of an explanation as to why I've come to this conclusion. And it's quite a simple one really. It all boils down to the comparative rates of pulling endured by me and enjoyed by my friend since splitting with our good ladies.
I have, almost without exception, tried to behave like a gent in that time. No easy task when you’re as full of impotent rage at the world as I am, and I accept that this may seem difficult to swallow (though not nearly as difficult as it is to persuade a young lady to do so...). Believe me, it wasn't easy for me to keep hidden the bile and rancour that comes so naturally to me! But by and large, I've done my best to be a decent human being.
In the meantime my friend, in all the finest traditions of the recently dumped, behaved like a soap opera villain; sleeping with his best friends girlfriend, copping off with his step-sister in a nightclub mere months before her wedding (to another friend of his), getting one of his housemates drunk so that he could get her into bed, doing his best to make sure that the blame for any and all of this landed anywhere but on his own head...you know, all the kind of stuff that a woman would say that she can't stand.
And yet, whereas I found my testicles swelling to the size of a small cottage in Suffolk due an extraordinary lack of amorous activity, that bucket of steaming blood clots had to order himself a bigger and sh!ttier stick with which to beat off the colossal number of women who cannot wait to get their oestrogen swollen hands on him! I GOT LAID 3 TIMES IN 9 MONTHS!! IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!
And it gets better; whenever I complain about this (and oh, how I complain...) I am told that I should be grateful! Why should I be grateful? Well, I have acquired a much better and trusting relationship with whichever particular woman I spent my time getting to know, being friendly toward, treating her with respect, etc, whereas every woman he has slept with can't stand the sight of him.
Well, that's a massive consolation! I'm sure that the knowledge of how many good looking, sexually active, female friends I have will get me through the night WHEN I'M ON MY SODDING OWN AGAIN! THAT ASSHATTED HELMET HOOD IS BALLS DEEP WHENEVER HE WANTS! D'YOU THINK HE GIVES A SLIMY DAMN ABOUT BEING FRIENDS WITH THE KIND OF SIMPERING TART WHO’D THROW OPEN HER LEGS FOR A BALL-LICKER LIKE HIM?!
(Incidentally, I suppose that in the interests of candour, I should come clean and admit that he is a better-looking man than I am. Even so, I like to think I'm not a hideously disfigured Elephant man lookalike. Feel free to correct me if I'm mistaken in this belief. Actually, on second thoughts.... don’t.)
Yet the ladies still keep saying "No, we don't want a b*****d. We want a nice man who...". And it's at that point that I usually lean in towards them and look them in the eye. I look them in the eye so that they know that what I'm about to say is important. And then, in a loud and clear voice, I say "B*ll*cks".
Every single woman who has started this particular line has now met with that particular response. And with few exceptions, they have a track record with men that would put Eva Braun to shame. They have almost all, with very few exceptions, spent large portions of their time with chaps who treated them with all the respect that would be due to a vomit-soaked tramp.
Those who have not ended up wasting their time with men like my friend (and blubbered “But I can change him!” when he invariably lets them down) are lying, gay, or are just too ashamed to admit that they have done. If ANYONE can respond to me and prove me wrong, then I will gladly offer a personal apology to them for implying that they have, at some point in their lives, gone out with a man whom they know in the depths of their soul to be a bad, bad man who would bring them nothing but grief.
Still, I must concede that some women don't hanker after a bad lad. You know the type; ugly women. These are the women whom the likes of my friend consider too vile to have anything to do with. After all, why should he when he can have his pick of gorgeous women, ALL OF WHOM COME CRYING TO THE LIKES OF IDIOTS LIKE ME WHEN IT ALL GOES HORRIBLY WRONG!!
I am SICK to death of this! I've lost count of how many teary and humiliated women I've sat with, reassuring them that no, they're not a vile freak of nature and yes, he obviously doesn't know what he's missing out on. Oh...and you're feeling better now? So...oh, there you go with another piece of mungmong who manages to both lower your self esteem AND convince you of how much you need him. Can you really blame me for being so angry about this?!
Honest to Christ, I'm really starting to think I should just cut the damned thing off, or turn celibate, or try and convince myself I fancy other men; anything at all rather than go through the torturous routine of yet another woman bleating that "You wouldn't want to go out with me; my life is such a mess". Hm, yes, I'm sure that I'd want nothing to do with your exceptionally tight, pert little mess. Why that would just break my heart...
If it's not that, it's a friend saying "Well, women tend to like a bit of a bad lad when they're younger. They grow out of it though..." WHEN?! I'M TWENTY SODDING FIVE; HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT GODDAMMIT!?!! And now that I come to think about it, I'm not even sure I like that as an explanation; are they trying to say that the best I can hope for is some wrinkled and sagging 40 year who’s son has more in common with me than she does?
Anyway, the point of all of this...well, the point is for me to get this out of my system really, but I do have a point I want to make as well. More of a plea really (something I’ve had to get used to in the barren months since getting dumped...); ladies, if you're going to be friends with a man then do him one massive favour from the outset; make it very VERY clear that you have no desire whatsoever to sleep with him. Honestly, it'll save a lot of time and heartache, and it will also mean that those men who remain your friends are REALLY your friends, and are not just hanging around in the desperate hope that one day you'll suddenly want to screw them. That way, people like me with find it less intolerable seeing you walking out of the door, arm in arm with yet another bundle of testosterone and turds.
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ßora† SagdiyeV wrote:
> a quality women always look for ;D
Yes. To avoid.
> a quality women always look for ;D
Yes. To avoid.
Mmmmmmm.....
Joke. I stress that point. Joke!
Joke. I stress that point. Joke!
Manland recruits? I'm getting visions of a bunch of sweating men, naked, playing chess, eating raw meat, admiring each other's beards and wrestling in streams.
Emperor Bob wrote:
> God I'm lonely.
a quality women always look for ;D
> God I'm lonely.
a quality women always look for ;D
RoJ wrote:
> Emperor Bob wrote:
> I am unhappy being alone. The loneliness is really getting to me.
>
>
>
> Buy a dog.
You sick boy.
> Emperor Bob wrote:
> I am unhappy being alone. The loneliness is really getting to me.
>
>
>
> Buy a dog.
You sick boy.
Heh. I did actually. Praise from any source is always welcome to be honest; surely everyone likes to hear that they're done/written something that has given someone else a catharsis?
Light wrote:
> By the way, thanks IB; high praise from someone who doesn't exactly
> dish out much of it is noteworthy and very welcome.
Ummm.. did you read his 'long post about stuff'? Still appreciate the praise?
> By the way, thanks IB; high praise from someone who doesn't exactly
> dish out much of it is noteworthy and very welcome.
Ummm.. did you read his 'long post about stuff'? Still appreciate the praise?
Emperor Bob wrote:
> I am unhappy being alone. The loneliness is really getting to me.
Buy a dog.
> I am unhappy being alone. The loneliness is really getting to me.
Buy a dog.
Dr Duck wrote:
> Or: the first step to either failing, and being exactly where you are
> now, or succeeding
> Or: the first step to either failing, and being exactly where you are
> now, or succeeding
Ex-cellent! Sign 'em up, make them swear the oath of allegiance to the flag of Brian Blessed, and we'll have a conquering army in no time!
By the way, thanks IB; high praise from someone who doesn't exactly dish out much of it is noteworthy and very welcome.
By the way, thanks IB; high praise from someone who doesn't exactly dish out much of it is noteworthy and very welcome.
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