LIVERPOOL manager Gerald Houllier sends scouts out round the world looking
for a new striker. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker
who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The manager is suitably
impressed, and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Everton with only 20 minutes left.
Houllier give the young Iraqi the nod to go on. The lad is a
sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first
day in English football. "Hi mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20
minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves
me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot
in the street, your sister and I were attacked, your grandma's house has
been ransacked and your brother has joined a gang of looters."
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum? I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" she says, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks
being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their
games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their
own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave
hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how
they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that
everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
b.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?"
before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern
half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing
d.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the
Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.
e.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly
removed by the match stewards.
f.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be
more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts
whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
g.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time.
In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
h.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and
hold the rest of the team to ransom.
i.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually
harass the female stewards and then run away.
j.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the
pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass
quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half
time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be
k.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by
offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around
the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the
ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
l.. The French will declare they have new scientific
evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park
across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much
to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.
m.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating
lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all
mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.".
I have some rugby ones too. But its long. You want them?