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Jane wept and wept that day. She had done nothing to the world so why did it hate her? She was suffocating her mind by the frantic thoughts that were racing through her head. The area around and underneath her eyes were red, sore from the tears that continued to run down her face burning the tender skin.
She paused and took a breath. Her entire body was shaking; the effects of the emotions inside were having a sudden effect on her physical state.
Her Mother had always told her that in every bad there comes a good. Yet this time, she couldn’t see the spark of hope that she knew should exist. But then her Mother had always tried to divert from facing a bad. She always had a phrase or quotation that remarkably bailed her out of these awkward positions she hated so much.
She saw the photo. The photo of her and the one she loved more than anything, on her bedside table. She could not walk over to it and pick it up holding it too her bosom wailing all her sorrows. Instead, she stand silently and stare at it for what seemed an entire age for she heard nothing, nothing of the rustling branches from the huge tree that shook on the other side of the pane of glass onto the garden, she was not effected by the sun that changed the tone and shades in the room. Her mind was no longer rushing and busy with mixed thoughts, shouts, screams and demands. Everything was – clear. In the time that she had been standing there the sun had now set its position between the sky and the ground. The immense reds and yellows mixing and bursting into a reflection on the lake outside her home. It was then that she felt drawn. She very slowly turned her attention from the brilliant blue eyes of the young man in the picture. She turn her feet still bare on the wooden flooring. She took several paces and placed both hands on the cold brass knobs on the French doors that out looked the amazing lake and green which was her garden. As if in a Ballet she stepped gracefully as if slicing through the air towards the gazing sun in its entirety before her. Her feet softly touching the fresh grass beneath her, the white legs seemed like that of an Angel’s as they followed one another and the white flowing dress that gently swayed around her in the soft noons breeze.
Her movement stopped as she reached the lake and she slowly and peacefully kneeled down to the waters edge. Her knees touching the grassy edge yet the very tips of them resting beneath the gap in which the water and the remaining ground did not touch. Her eyes gazed at the glistening ripples of the water and the colours that travelled with each ripple as the sun shone all of its beauty onto the crystal water. She look just below her and a strange glaze came across her eyes. She stared far into the dark dark midst of the deep lake below her. Her eyes travelling as if they were lost and her sight was carrying on in the water as though the lake was capturing her sight and taking it to where the lake ended. But it didn’t. Her eyes were no longer full of tears, her face was no longer tight with anguish and pain; she was free. Her heart leapt just as her legs stretched up straight and then bent, at the same time her long pale arms swept up slicing through the air and finishing together either side of her head. Her whole body leapt into the air and cut the water as she fell deep head first into the gazing lake. Deeper and deeper her arms and legs battled to take her further and further. Her long hair wet and trailing behind as she was reaching and reaching deeper into the heart of the Lake. The black had swallowed her so she was not now in view. Her legs pattered and kicked so her body was propelled down, down further and further till her arm outstretched and her hand opened as she clasped the hand that was waiting for her and a thrilling smile cracked across her face as she was pulled and pulled deeper and deeper into the depths of the lake.
She paused and took a breath. Her entire body was shaking; the effects of the emotions inside were having a sudden effect on her physical state.
Her Mother had always told her that in every bad there comes a good. Yet this time, she couldn’t see the spark of hope that she knew should exist. But then her Mother had always tried to divert from facing a bad. She always had a phrase or quotation that remarkably bailed her out of these awkward positions she hated so much.
She saw the photo. The photo of her and the one she loved more than anything, on her bedside table. She could not walk over to it and pick it up holding it too her bosom wailing all her sorrows. Instead, she stand silently and stare at it for what seemed an entire age for she heard nothing, nothing of the rustling branches from the huge tree that shook on the other side of the pane of glass onto the garden, she was not effected by the sun that changed the tone and shades in the room. Her mind was no longer rushing and busy with mixed thoughts, shouts, screams and demands. Everything was – clear. In the time that she had been standing there the sun had now set its position between the sky and the ground. The immense reds and yellows mixing and bursting into a reflection on the lake outside her home. It was then that she felt drawn. She very slowly turned her attention from the brilliant blue eyes of the young man in the picture. She turn her feet still bare on the wooden flooring. She took several paces and placed both hands on the cold brass knobs on the French doors that out looked the amazing lake and green which was her garden. As if in a Ballet she stepped gracefully as if slicing through the air towards the gazing sun in its entirety before her. Her feet softly touching the fresh grass beneath her, the white legs seemed like that of an Angel’s as they followed one another and the white flowing dress that gently swayed around her in the soft noons breeze.
Her movement stopped as she reached the lake and she slowly and peacefully kneeled down to the waters edge. Her knees touching the grassy edge yet the very tips of them resting beneath the gap in which the water and the remaining ground did not touch. Her eyes gazed at the glistening ripples of the water and the colours that travelled with each ripple as the sun shone all of its beauty onto the crystal water. She look just below her and a strange glaze came across her eyes. She stared far into the dark dark midst of the deep lake below her. Her eyes travelling as if they were lost and her sight was carrying on in the water as though the lake was capturing her sight and taking it to where the lake ended. But it didn’t. Her eyes were no longer full of tears, her face was no longer tight with anguish and pain; she was free. Her heart leapt just as her legs stretched up straight and then bent, at the same time her long pale arms swept up slicing through the air and finishing together either side of her head. Her whole body leapt into the air and cut the water as she fell deep head first into the gazing lake. Deeper and deeper her arms and legs battled to take her further and further. Her long hair wet and trailing behind as she was reaching and reaching deeper into the heart of the Lake. The black had swallowed her so she was not now in view. Her legs pattered and kicked so her body was propelled down, down further and further till her arm outstretched and her hand opened as she clasped the hand that was waiting for her and a thrilling smile cracked across her face as she was pulled and pulled deeper and deeper into the depths of the lake.
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Dr Duck wrote:
> And practice. There's no substitute for practice.
> And practice. There's no substitute for practice.
Ok thanks for the critism insane bartender - you are right. It does sound better this way.
Cheers for reading the beasty thing Dr. Duck - rest assured I will be introducing paragraphs to the next one.
Cheers for reading the beasty thing Dr. Duck - rest assured I will be introducing paragraphs to the next one.
After re-iterating Grix's point on use of paragraphs, I will say that while some of the sentence structure was good, other parts seemed very poor indeed.
"She was suffocating her mind by the frantic thoughts that were racing through her head"
- 'Her mind was suffocating under the frantic thoughts' sounds better to me, for a start.
So I think there is some work to be done there. I often tend to write a sentence, read it back to myself and think "can that be said any better?".
Other than that, it holds the atmosphere well enough especially in the final monster paragraph. monster as in huge, not in that there is a monster there (there isn't).
"She was suffocating her mind by the frantic thoughts that were racing through her head"
- 'Her mind was suffocating under the frantic thoughts' sounds better to me, for a start.
So I think there is some work to be done there. I often tend to write a sentence, read it back to myself and think "can that be said any better?".
Other than that, it holds the atmosphere well enough especially in the final monster paragraph. monster as in huge, not in that there is a monster there (there isn't).
Very nice. I thought about reading this a couple of days ago, but the lack of paragraphs and the fact that I don't usually read many story threads any more made me leave it for a bit.
You describe very well, I had clear mental images of everything, which has to be good.
If you try to improve your general punctuation as well as the paragraphs it'd really help the flow of the writing, helping the reader's attention and stregthening the mental images.
And practice. There's no substitute for practice.
You describe very well, I had clear mental images of everything, which has to be good.
If you try to improve your general punctuation as well as the paragraphs it'd really help the flow of the writing, helping the reader's attention and stregthening the mental images.
And practice. There's no substitute for practice.
ha! Cheers people nice to see what people's views are of your own work.
So I need to break it up a lil with pararaphs (understandable I do usually so I apologise)
Any criticism woul be appreciated! Thanks for readng this chunk
So I need to break it up a lil with pararaphs (understandable I do usually so I apologise)
Any criticism woul be appreciated! Thanks for readng this chunk
Yar - gaps in the text next time please. My eyes are a liitle sore.
And there will be a next time, I hope.
Good stuff Ginge - write more, you've a nice style.
And there will be a next time, I hope.
Good stuff Ginge - write more, you've a nice style.
thanks grix!
Yup, I read it, just after posting about paragraphs :) Lazy me.
Some of the descriptions there are -really- good. I love the way you structure the sentences.
Some of the descriptions there are -really- good. I love the way you structure the sentences.
Ok dokily sorry grix
Did you read it or was the entire chunk of text that off putting?
I will use your advice next time
Did you read it or was the entire chunk of text that off putting?
I will use your advice next time
Plleaase please please please please use paragraphs! I really hate having to trawl through such massive blocks of text, but I'm lazy. :)
It looks lovelier anyway with a good amount of paragraphs I think anyway. :)
It looks lovelier anyway with a good amount of paragraphs I think anyway. :)
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