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Some of you may have read this before, but I doubt it. This is one of first pieces of original writing I really put effort into, and feed back is welcome, but enough with the introduction...
Aeroplanes, Airplanes, whatever you want to call them, those big man made machines that fly through the air they drive me mad. Although it’s not the actual plane that annoys me most of the time, sometimes it’s those situations I get in and the people around me that make me want to scream. So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights ever given to you by travel agents are night flights, you’ve been in the airport for the last 3 hours and your pretty damn tired…
Boarding. Its time to get on the tube with wings that will be your home for the next 6 or so hours, you show the stewardess your ticket and she tells you you’re the one separated from your family and sitting with complete strangers on 6B, so you take the walk and on the way you get the idiot with the camera who takes a picture of you and says “this’ll be a good one to show people and tell tem about the flight”, great, now I’m in some enthusiastic holiday photographers photo album for eternity as a passenger on the flight. Never mind, continue walking, expecting to find that in true holiday fashion the Germans have left towels on all the good seats. Now its time for the kids sitting in the seats behind me to have the impending argument “I want the window” “no I do” “mum tell him”! For crying out loud who really cares, soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see anything but blue anyway. This fight goes on for about five minutes before a negotiation takes place about one of them being by the window on the way out and one on the way back (they then start a fight about who gets it on the way out and who on the way back)
The person next to you. Now its time to meet the people you’ve been put with, ladies and gentlemen I give you Mr and Mrs excited like children, who despite there age still have a small squabble over the window seat, but as usual the woman wins after coming out with the unarguable one liner “I get travel sick”. Nice. Anyway now you see the size of their carry on luggage as they stuff it into the overhead compartment and your small rucksack disappears somewhere behind it (great now I cant get out those magazines I brought to read). Now they finally sit down and start fiddling with the armrest as they make the lifesaving decision, armrest up or down? After deciding down, they stop moving and finally I can close my eyes for a minute, literally, “So where are you staying?” the woman chirpily asks. Great, not only are they annoying, there sociable.
The emergency procedure speech. The intercom kicks in and cuts off the riveting conversation about their friends who went to this hotel last year and enjoyed it. A posh smarmy pilot then tells you “please direct your attention to the nearest stewardess”. “Under your seats are life jackets, place them over your head and tie the string in a double bow…” finally she gets to the bit that really winds me up, the whistle and flashlight. What good is that really going to do in the middle of the Atlantic? You can put on a small laser show complete with whistle sound effects? Or maybe if you bobbing like an apple in the ocean and you spot another plane all those thousands of feet above you can grab its attention with the whistle and send a series of Morse code messages with the flashlight? Never mind, she’s way past that bit now and I’ve spent so long pondering about the novelties of the whistle that I now have no clue what she’s talking about. Never mind she’s finished now.
Takeoff. Hurrah, time to finally leave the country and get my holiday started, and its only taken 45minutes! Well the sweet I’m given suck to suck does absolutely ‘naf’ all, my ears have just popped and all I can hear is a combination of whooshing and screaming from those kids behind me who have just discovered their scared of flying. I yawn 17 consecutive times to regain my sense of hearing, now I can hear the cheers of the people at the back who’ve clearly had one to many airport beverages and cant help but break into a chorus of ‘here we go’.
Everything has calmed down now, the pandemonium of take off is over, and finally I can shut my eyes. I begin to drift into the land of nod when its smarmy pilots time to shine again, “ladies and gentle men today’s in-flight move will be starting shortly, if you wish to purchase any headphones from our stewardess’s please ask”. Mummy quickly forks out her last ten British pounds after discovering the airline doesn’t like the Euro so her brats behind me can enjoy the movie. Now its time for a truly British idea to take place between the stewardess and the man next to me, haggling. Beautiful, the tight bloke next to me wont part with his hard earned for a pair of measly headphones, he tries negotiating for about 5 minutes before realizing the stewardess is a woman and cannot be defeated in an argument and so finally parts with his money. Now remember the kids behind, the ones who squabbled over the window seat? Well it turns out junior cant quite see the screen and is now more that willing to part with his precious seat for the isle so he can see. Well after 10 minutes of pathetic lying about the brilliant qualities of the window seat the younger brother is gullibly convinced and swaps seats, poor little guy.
The bathroom. Right, the seatbelt light is out. I’m now enjoying my 6th minute of sleep when nature calls the man next to me so he wakes me and asks if I would move so he can go join the queue for the bathroom. I promptly move and off he trots down the isle. I sit back down and rest again. Now the delightful young man behind me needs the bathroom but the episode of Scooby Doo on the screen is to riveting to move away from, so he kicks his little legs and continues watching, it becomes apparent I’m not going to get any sleep until this boy visits the bathroom so I decide to watch the Scooby gang wander about for ten minutes. I haven’t brought any headphones so I try lip reading (now I don’t know if any of you have ever tried lip reading Scooby Doo but let me tell you, it cant be done. Despite this I still work out that the phantom is none other than the clean shaven man with dark hair) hoorah Scooby’s done and our boys of to the toilet. I shut my eyes and relax… a tapping on my shoulder, the man next to me has returned from the bathroom, I had been so busy with the mystery machine that I’d forgotten he was even gone, I jump up and he’s back in his seat. Time for some rest.
The little drink. Two hours into the flight the stewardess is here with drinks and scratch cards, I’ll take a coke, so my coke sample is placed in front of me. Wow it’s the worlds smallest drink, better make it last, I take a sip and lay back. After a few minutes the woman in front decides to lean he chair back and the coke tips over on the mini table and spill, thanks a lot mate. Now I’m tired and covered in coke. Decide my best bet is to try and wipe it off in the bathroom. Off I go in the queue and only one person in front of me, great. Then the hottest girl on the flight joins the queue behind me, finally some luck. I patiently wait for the man to finish and I step into what can only be described as a claustrophobic persons nightmare. It turns out the person in front of me had performed an exorcism on himself in here, as the demon had certainly left him and entered that pan. I make quick with the scrubbing and exit, now the hottest girl on the flight goes in behind me and thinks I left that lingering smell, damn.
The meal. Good I’m hungry its about time the meal arrived I think to myself when I see the trolley coming, unfortunately the woman in font wanted a vegetarian meal and holds up the whole process by about 20minutes. Still I finally get my meal and open it, thanks to the woman (I say woman because I don’t want the GAD judges mad, I can think of a much better word) anyway thanks to her my meal has built up condensation and its cooled down and dripped on my meal, so now I’ve got a sausage floating in warm water. This flight is starting to annoy me. I just want it to end.
Landing!!! Finally its time to end the blasted flight! “We are now approaching the airport, the time is 7am here, on behalf of the crew thank you for being pleasant and we hope you enjoyed your flight”. Stuff it you posh ponce. Behind me junior wants the window seat again and starts moaning, that’s it I think to myself, when I get my carry on luggage I’m going to accidentally deliberately drop it on his head…hard. Another sucking sweet and landing begins. When we’re finally touched down the people next to me get their carry on luggage hastily and I find my rucksack folded in a way that it will now naturally do when left untouched. I look for the kid, darn he’s run off down the plane somewhere. Still maybe I’ll get him again in 14 days time when I have to relive this nightmare.
Thanks for reading.
Aeroplanes, Airplanes, whatever you want to call them, those big man made machines that fly through the air they drive me mad. Although it’s not the actual plane that annoys me most of the time, sometimes it’s those situations I get in and the people around me that make me want to scream. So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights ever given to you by travel agents are night flights, you’ve been in the airport for the last 3 hours and your pretty damn tired…
Boarding. Its time to get on the tube with wings that will be your home for the next 6 or so hours, you show the stewardess your ticket and she tells you you’re the one separated from your family and sitting with complete strangers on 6B, so you take the walk and on the way you get the idiot with the camera who takes a picture of you and says “this’ll be a good one to show people and tell tem about the flight”, great, now I’m in some enthusiastic holiday photographers photo album for eternity as a passenger on the flight. Never mind, continue walking, expecting to find that in true holiday fashion the Germans have left towels on all the good seats. Now its time for the kids sitting in the seats behind me to have the impending argument “I want the window” “no I do” “mum tell him”! For crying out loud who really cares, soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see anything but blue anyway. This fight goes on for about five minutes before a negotiation takes place about one of them being by the window on the way out and one on the way back (they then start a fight about who gets it on the way out and who on the way back)
The person next to you. Now its time to meet the people you’ve been put with, ladies and gentlemen I give you Mr and Mrs excited like children, who despite there age still have a small squabble over the window seat, but as usual the woman wins after coming out with the unarguable one liner “I get travel sick”. Nice. Anyway now you see the size of their carry on luggage as they stuff it into the overhead compartment and your small rucksack disappears somewhere behind it (great now I cant get out those magazines I brought to read). Now they finally sit down and start fiddling with the armrest as they make the lifesaving decision, armrest up or down? After deciding down, they stop moving and finally I can close my eyes for a minute, literally, “So where are you staying?” the woman chirpily asks. Great, not only are they annoying, there sociable.
The emergency procedure speech. The intercom kicks in and cuts off the riveting conversation about their friends who went to this hotel last year and enjoyed it. A posh smarmy pilot then tells you “please direct your attention to the nearest stewardess”. “Under your seats are life jackets, place them over your head and tie the string in a double bow…” finally she gets to the bit that really winds me up, the whistle and flashlight. What good is that really going to do in the middle of the Atlantic? You can put on a small laser show complete with whistle sound effects? Or maybe if you bobbing like an apple in the ocean and you spot another plane all those thousands of feet above you can grab its attention with the whistle and send a series of Morse code messages with the flashlight? Never mind, she’s way past that bit now and I’ve spent so long pondering about the novelties of the whistle that I now have no clue what she’s talking about. Never mind she’s finished now.
Takeoff. Hurrah, time to finally leave the country and get my holiday started, and its only taken 45minutes! Well the sweet I’m given suck to suck does absolutely ‘naf’ all, my ears have just popped and all I can hear is a combination of whooshing and screaming from those kids behind me who have just discovered their scared of flying. I yawn 17 consecutive times to regain my sense of hearing, now I can hear the cheers of the people at the back who’ve clearly had one to many airport beverages and cant help but break into a chorus of ‘here we go’.
Everything has calmed down now, the pandemonium of take off is over, and finally I can shut my eyes. I begin to drift into the land of nod when its smarmy pilots time to shine again, “ladies and gentle men today’s in-flight move will be starting shortly, if you wish to purchase any headphones from our stewardess’s please ask”. Mummy quickly forks out her last ten British pounds after discovering the airline doesn’t like the Euro so her brats behind me can enjoy the movie. Now its time for a truly British idea to take place between the stewardess and the man next to me, haggling. Beautiful, the tight bloke next to me wont part with his hard earned for a pair of measly headphones, he tries negotiating for about 5 minutes before realizing the stewardess is a woman and cannot be defeated in an argument and so finally parts with his money. Now remember the kids behind, the ones who squabbled over the window seat? Well it turns out junior cant quite see the screen and is now more that willing to part with his precious seat for the isle so he can see. Well after 10 minutes of pathetic lying about the brilliant qualities of the window seat the younger brother is gullibly convinced and swaps seats, poor little guy.
The bathroom. Right, the seatbelt light is out. I’m now enjoying my 6th minute of sleep when nature calls the man next to me so he wakes me and asks if I would move so he can go join the queue for the bathroom. I promptly move and off he trots down the isle. I sit back down and rest again. Now the delightful young man behind me needs the bathroom but the episode of Scooby Doo on the screen is to riveting to move away from, so he kicks his little legs and continues watching, it becomes apparent I’m not going to get any sleep until this boy visits the bathroom so I decide to watch the Scooby gang wander about for ten minutes. I haven’t brought any headphones so I try lip reading (now I don’t know if any of you have ever tried lip reading Scooby Doo but let me tell you, it cant be done. Despite this I still work out that the phantom is none other than the clean shaven man with dark hair) hoorah Scooby’s done and our boys of to the toilet. I shut my eyes and relax… a tapping on my shoulder, the man next to me has returned from the bathroom, I had been so busy with the mystery machine that I’d forgotten he was even gone, I jump up and he’s back in his seat. Time for some rest.
The little drink. Two hours into the flight the stewardess is here with drinks and scratch cards, I’ll take a coke, so my coke sample is placed in front of me. Wow it’s the worlds smallest drink, better make it last, I take a sip and lay back. After a few minutes the woman in front decides to lean he chair back and the coke tips over on the mini table and spill, thanks a lot mate. Now I’m tired and covered in coke. Decide my best bet is to try and wipe it off in the bathroom. Off I go in the queue and only one person in front of me, great. Then the hottest girl on the flight joins the queue behind me, finally some luck. I patiently wait for the man to finish and I step into what can only be described as a claustrophobic persons nightmare. It turns out the person in front of me had performed an exorcism on himself in here, as the demon had certainly left him and entered that pan. I make quick with the scrubbing and exit, now the hottest girl on the flight goes in behind me and thinks I left that lingering smell, damn.
The meal. Good I’m hungry its about time the meal arrived I think to myself when I see the trolley coming, unfortunately the woman in font wanted a vegetarian meal and holds up the whole process by about 20minutes. Still I finally get my meal and open it, thanks to the woman (I say woman because I don’t want the GAD judges mad, I can think of a much better word) anyway thanks to her my meal has built up condensation and its cooled down and dripped on my meal, so now I’ve got a sausage floating in warm water. This flight is starting to annoy me. I just want it to end.
Landing!!! Finally its time to end the blasted flight! “We are now approaching the airport, the time is 7am here, on behalf of the crew thank you for being pleasant and we hope you enjoyed your flight”. Stuff it you posh ponce. Behind me junior wants the window seat again and starts moaning, that’s it I think to myself, when I get my carry on luggage I’m going to accidentally deliberately drop it on his head…hard. Another sucking sweet and landing begins. When we’re finally touched down the people next to me get their carry on luggage hastily and I find my rucksack folded in a way that it will now naturally do when left untouched. I look for the kid, darn he’s run off down the plane somewhere. Still maybe I’ll get him again in 14 days time when I have to relive this nightmare.
Thanks for reading.
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I acctually read some more on the story (see my last post) and found out that the airline crew OFTEN drank LARGE amounts of alchol before flights.
Now, upon discovering this, if I was one of the passengers on the flight I would persue legal action, that is direct indangerment of human lives.
Now, upon discovering this, if I was one of the passengers on the flight I would persue legal action, that is direct indangerment of human lives.
Notorious Biggles wrote:
> There is a limit to the drinking though, enough and you start reaching
> the point where they throw you off the flight, arrest you, sue you,
> and then ban you, meaning you have to take an even worse airline the
> next time.
>
> Still, if you can avoid that, excellent way around it.
Did you see in the paper today about the drunk pilot who's been arested? Scarey stuff!
> There is a limit to the drinking though, enough and you start reaching
> the point where they throw you off the flight, arrest you, sue you,
> and then ban you, meaning you have to take an even worse airline the
> next time.
>
> Still, if you can avoid that, excellent way around it.
Did you see in the paper today about the drunk pilot who's been arested? Scarey stuff!
I thank you.
Very funny
Ok, so I messed up with the shy, never mind!
Dr Duck wrote:
> Microchips wrote:
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
>
> Dark blue :^p
The colour of the sky is the refraction of the light passing into a new state when it bends.
Seeing as there is no light, nothng can bend, so, it's transparent, hence why you can see into outer space.
> Microchips wrote:
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
>
> Dark blue :^p
The colour of the sky is the refraction of the light passing into a new state when it bends.
Seeing as there is no light, nothng can bend, so, it's transparent, hence why you can see into outer space.
Microchips wrote:
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
Dark blue :^p
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
Dark blue :^p
Microchips wrote:
> Mr Pink wrote:
> So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights
> ever given to you by travel agents are night flights,
>
> Then:
>
> soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see
> anything but blue anyway.
>
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
>
> :D
>
>
> Other than that, it was pretty good.
:D DAMN! well spotted though!
> Mr Pink wrote:
> So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights
> ever given to you by travel agents are night flights,
>
> Then:
>
> soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see
> anything but blue anyway.
>
> I don't think the sky is blue at night...
>
> :D
>
>
> Other than that, it was pretty good.
:D DAMN! well spotted though!
Mr Pink wrote:
So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights
> ever given to you by travel agents are night flights,
Then:
soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see
> anything but blue anyway.
I don't think the sky is blue at night...
:D
Other than that, it was pretty good.
So picture the scenario, its 2a.m as the only flights
> ever given to you by travel agents are night flights,
Then:
soon we’ll all be so high up you wont be able see
> anything but blue anyway.
I don't think the sky is blue at night...
:D
Other than that, it was pretty good.
....no its a tiny can *scans page*
Page: