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Can you please let me know what you think of my piece of English coursework and any ideas for improvement. It's for GCSE level as i'm retaking it hoping to get a higher grade than a C. The assignment was to write about a place and how you felt. I think it gets worse as it goes along...
Thanks for reading and any help you may give
_____________________
This Evening
Brought together this evening through name and blood en route this town of summer sunshine smiles to confront reality. The waves of the potent sea stood calm and the leisurely soundtrack was muted. For, they were not the agenda. A lifetime of distance and now here: side-by-side. Funny how these halls of descent can at the same time bring people together, if only for a moment. I anticipated perhaps not the worst, but near to it and I wondered how she would react. She was only young.
We sat on the bed and engaged in greetings and pleasantries, which were soon malformed into an intolerable silence as the illusory tumbleweed blew passed the open doorway. However, the gaps in sound were soon broken this evening by the outcries of pain from a man in a neighbouring bed. In a state of sleep, but still can’t escape the savage pain that haunts his body for reasons unknown.
Through my eyes, the same eyes that had seen him all my life, I saw a man that has always been there. But I struggled to recognise him. He was normal yet at the same different. I found it hard to look but knew I couldn’t turn away. The cancer had slowly and violently attacked him over a period of pain, which I only learnt to be aware of and understand a few years back. It had never been as visible as it was this evening. I could not and, still can’t to this very word comprehend in my head how my Granddad was feeling, mind, body and soul. Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a bounty on his head. I couldn’t cope with that. I would have broken down and thrown in the proverbial towel a long time ago. But the war veteran keeps on fighting. He may not win the war, but he’s reigned victorious over many battles passed. For this, I respect him so much.
As I looked around the room this evening I saw a number of beds holding broken men, being cared for by kind hearted members of our population. These shadows of men that I saw before me, fighting for their lives and not giving up, would have once been healthy just like you and me, until they were struck down by fate. It made me think about the frailness of life and the inevitability of death. I don’t know what death is, nor do I life for that matter, but perhaps it’s possible to find hope in demise. While I sat there in the company of my father and siblings, listening to what my Granddad had to say, I tried to decide if it was possible. Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others.
As it came time for closure, he told me how he believed in my aspirations and me. It’s likely he won’t be around to see if I make something of myself, but still I won’t give up, as he trusts in me. My brother, younger sister and myself said our goodbyes hoping they wouldn’t be the last and left the room for my Dad to speak in private. As we walked to the reception of Bournemouth Hospital this evening, none of us knew what to say so silence set in once again.
This is what I experienced and how I felt this evening and for what I have seen, I am forever changed. For this I am thankful, as I realise now, how our mundane, humdrum problems are nothing. We may have had a bad day but it was on our own terms and not controlled by another, as when night falls the most of us still have our health and freedom. However I am not thankful that I had to witness not only family, but also complete strangers in a state that nobody deserves and I would wish upon no one.
-Chris Douch
Thanks for reading and any help you may give
_____________________
This Evening
Brought together this evening through name and blood en route this town of summer sunshine smiles to confront reality. The waves of the potent sea stood calm and the leisurely soundtrack was muted. For, they were not the agenda. A lifetime of distance and now here: side-by-side. Funny how these halls of descent can at the same time bring people together, if only for a moment. I anticipated perhaps not the worst, but near to it and I wondered how she would react. She was only young.
We sat on the bed and engaged in greetings and pleasantries, which were soon malformed into an intolerable silence as the illusory tumbleweed blew passed the open doorway. However, the gaps in sound were soon broken this evening by the outcries of pain from a man in a neighbouring bed. In a state of sleep, but still can’t escape the savage pain that haunts his body for reasons unknown.
Through my eyes, the same eyes that had seen him all my life, I saw a man that has always been there. But I struggled to recognise him. He was normal yet at the same different. I found it hard to look but knew I couldn’t turn away. The cancer had slowly and violently attacked him over a period of pain, which I only learnt to be aware of and understand a few years back. It had never been as visible as it was this evening. I could not and, still can’t to this very word comprehend in my head how my Granddad was feeling, mind, body and soul. Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a bounty on his head. I couldn’t cope with that. I would have broken down and thrown in the proverbial towel a long time ago. But the war veteran keeps on fighting. He may not win the war, but he’s reigned victorious over many battles passed. For this, I respect him so much.
As I looked around the room this evening I saw a number of beds holding broken men, being cared for by kind hearted members of our population. These shadows of men that I saw before me, fighting for their lives and not giving up, would have once been healthy just like you and me, until they were struck down by fate. It made me think about the frailness of life and the inevitability of death. I don’t know what death is, nor do I life for that matter, but perhaps it’s possible to find hope in demise. While I sat there in the company of my father and siblings, listening to what my Granddad had to say, I tried to decide if it was possible. Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others.
As it came time for closure, he told me how he believed in my aspirations and me. It’s likely he won’t be around to see if I make something of myself, but still I won’t give up, as he trusts in me. My brother, younger sister and myself said our goodbyes hoping they wouldn’t be the last and left the room for my Dad to speak in private. As we walked to the reception of Bournemouth Hospital this evening, none of us knew what to say so silence set in once again.
This is what I experienced and how I felt this evening and for what I have seen, I am forever changed. For this I am thankful, as I realise now, how our mundane, humdrum problems are nothing. We may have had a bad day but it was on our own terms and not controlled by another, as when night falls the most of us still have our health and freedom. However I am not thankful that I had to witness not only family, but also complete strangers in a state that nobody deserves and I would wish upon no one.
-Chris Douch
Well UCAS personal statements are creative writing anyway, I don't know why we just can't simplify them with a multiple choice questions instead, like:
"Do you want to go to university ? Y/N"
"Bearing in mind you'll run up a fair amount of debt do you still want to go ? Y/N"
"And you're not joking are you ? Y/N"
"Great, you will try and actually turn up to lecture yes ? Y/N"
If someone answers Y Y N Y they get in, simple, and about as an effective measure as personal statements without thousands of people having to write them out every year and people having to read them.
"Do you want to go to university ? Y/N"
"Bearing in mind you'll run up a fair amount of debt do you still want to go ? Y/N"
"And you're not joking are you ? Y/N"
"Great, you will try and actually turn up to lecture yes ? Y/N"
If someone answers Y Y N Y they get in, simple, and about as an effective measure as personal statements without thousands of people having to write them out every year and people having to read them.
Yeah I'm thinking of restarting. It's in for Wednesday but meh. It's not like I have a college assignment for my main course and a personal statement for UCAS form due Tuesday. Oh wait I do. Hmm I don't really have time, but I think it'll be for the best.
Thanks.
Thanks.
CDouch wrote:
> The assignment was
> to write about a place and how you felt. I think it gets worse as it
> goes along...
Well, although this is of little help, I wouldn't have chosen something so abstract as this. The aim of coursework is, in our education sysytem, not to do what interests you or what is different, but what rakes the marks in. Occasionally the two do happily meet, but rarely.
In my opinion you're hampered by the fact that it was a real event (was it?) and not made up - and it certainly does get worse towards the end - in fact the last paragraph has very little merit at all. If possible I'd scrap the idea all together and start from scratch, or still keep the theme but make it up - I think you'll find it much easier to work with that way.
> The assignment was
> to write about a place and how you felt. I think it gets worse as it
> goes along...
Well, although this is of little help, I wouldn't have chosen something so abstract as this. The aim of coursework is, in our education sysytem, not to do what interests you or what is different, but what rakes the marks in. Occasionally the two do happily meet, but rarely.
In my opinion you're hampered by the fact that it was a real event (was it?) and not made up - and it certainly does get worse towards the end - in fact the last paragraph has very little merit at all. If possible I'd scrap the idea all together and start from scratch, or still keep the theme but make it up - I think you'll find it much easier to work with that way.
Ineedsleep wrote:
> The first line of the first paragraph doesn't make any sense and also
> you mention 'she'. If this is your sister I would change it to read
> 'and I wondered how my sister would react.' as it made me anticipate
> the essay being about 'she' when, in fact, it wasn't.
'Name and blood' means family. Family name and genes brought us together. 'En Route this town of summer subshine smiles' Means to a summer place which you later find out is Bournemouth.
I wanted to write it so you discoverer things as it went along and so you're not sure what it's about right from the start. 'She' was used to fool the reader.
> Third paragraph - "still can't to this very word" - do you
> mean day?
I thought I'd change it to 'word' to be a bit different and show how until that moment I still can't understand.
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice, when I have a bit of time I'll look into making some changes.
> The first line of the first paragraph doesn't make any sense and also
> you mention 'she'. If this is your sister I would change it to read
> 'and I wondered how my sister would react.' as it made me anticipate
> the essay being about 'she' when, in fact, it wasn't.
'Name and blood' means family. Family name and genes brought us together. 'En Route this town of summer subshine smiles' Means to a summer place which you later find out is Bournemouth.
I wanted to write it so you discoverer things as it went along and so you're not sure what it's about right from the start. 'She' was used to fool the reader.
> Third paragraph - "still can't to this very word" - do you
> mean day?
I thought I'd change it to 'word' to be a bit different and show how until that moment I still can't understand.
Thanks everyone for your comments and advice, when I have a bit of time I'll look into making some changes.
oh oh it DOES ask you to talk about how you felt.
Just don't try and be too clever here. Remember, this is GCSE, they want you to exhibit a technical proficiency in the english language. The more complicated you try and make things, the less accurate it becomes, and so the lower your grade.
This may be because what you are writing about is so close to your heart, that you cannot apply a cold, calculated efficiency to it.
Obviously it is very difficult to change the whole thing now, but bear it in mind.
Technical accuracy gets you the bulk of your marks, and literary flair is the difference between an A and an A*.
Just don't try and be too clever here. Remember, this is GCSE, they want you to exhibit a technical proficiency in the english language. The more complicated you try and make things, the less accurate it becomes, and so the lower your grade.
This may be because what you are writing about is so close to your heart, that you cannot apply a cold, calculated efficiency to it.
Obviously it is very difficult to change the whole thing now, but bear it in mind.
Technical accuracy gets you the bulk of your marks, and literary flair is the difference between an A and an A*.
This is for GCSE, right?
Well, what is the question? If it is 'Describe and evening you have had', then this is waaaaaay off the mark. They don't want some philosphical, deep peice of beautiful writing. All you have to do is use lots and lots of adjectives and adverbs.
"The wind howled hollowly through the naked fingers of the trees, swirling dead leaves through the darkness like an invisible vortex"
I think you're trying to be TOO clever and make everything TOO sophisticated. This is the kind of piece they give a C because it doesn't accomplish the task of describing an evening. You don't have to talk about your thoughts or feelings unless it asks you to.
Well, what is the question? If it is 'Describe and evening you have had', then this is waaaaaay off the mark. They don't want some philosphical, deep peice of beautiful writing. All you have to do is use lots and lots of adjectives and adverbs.
"The wind howled hollowly through the naked fingers of the trees, swirling dead leaves through the darkness like an invisible vortex"
I think you're trying to be TOO clever and make everything TOO sophisticated. This is the kind of piece they give a C because it doesn't accomplish the task of describing an evening. You don't have to talk about your thoughts or feelings unless it asks you to.
I've made a few suggestions but please feel free to totally ignore these as I cannot comment without my comments being a reflection of how I would write something as opposed to yourself.
>The assignment was to write about a place and how you felt.
Firstly as the assignment is about how you felt I would have called it That Evening and written everything in the past tense
The first line of the first paragraph doesn't make any sense and also you mention 'she'. If this is your sister I would change it to read 'and I wondered how my sister would react.' as it made me anticipate the essay being about 'she' when, in fact, it wasn't.
Second paragraph - I'd change 'but still can't escape the savage pain' to 'but still unable'
Third paragraph - "still can't to this very word" - do you mean day?
> Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a
> bounty on his head.
I really liked this sentiment but would have put 'Living every moment of his existence in the knowledge that the clock had a bounty on his head.'
The rest I will not touch as it gets very personal You need to read it through again yourself to see how you think the words flow and if the punctuation needs tightening up.
Also I really can't make other changes otherwise it will not be 'your' work when it comes to be handed in.
I thought you conveyed the experience well and found the story touching. It brought back some painful memories of my own.
>The assignment was to write about a place and how you felt.
Firstly as the assignment is about how you felt I would have called it That Evening and written everything in the past tense
The first line of the first paragraph doesn't make any sense and also you mention 'she'. If this is your sister I would change it to read 'and I wondered how my sister would react.' as it made me anticipate the essay being about 'she' when, in fact, it wasn't.
Second paragraph - I'd change 'but still can't escape the savage pain' to 'but still unable'
Third paragraph - "still can't to this very word" - do you mean day?
> Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a
> bounty on his head.
I really liked this sentiment but would have put 'Living every moment of his existence in the knowledge that the clock had a bounty on his head.'
The rest I will not touch as it gets very personal You need to read it through again yourself to see how you think the words flow and if the punctuation needs tightening up.
Also I really can't make other changes otherwise it will not be 'your' work when it comes to be handed in.
I thought you conveyed the experience well and found the story touching. It brought back some painful memories of my own.
Really nice! I like the use of words.. again!
Also, though, I also found the first sentence hard to understand. Lack of commas, maybe?! I don't mean to be picky about that, honestly, but if it's for your English coursework etc, then that's a big thing to worry about ;)
I really liked this paragraph too..
"Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others."
That is similar to how I think about that.
Very good, I enjoyed it ;)
Also, though, I also found the first sentence hard to understand. Lack of commas, maybe?! I don't mean to be picky about that, honestly, but if it's for your English coursework etc, then that's a big thing to worry about ;)
I really liked this paragraph too..
"Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others."
That is similar to how I think about that.
Very good, I enjoyed it ;)
I have NO idea what the first line is about.
Can you please let me know what you think of my piece of English coursework and any ideas for improvement. It's for GCSE level as i'm retaking it hoping to get a higher grade than a C. The assignment was to write about a place and how you felt. I think it gets worse as it goes along...
Thanks for reading and any help you may give
_____________________
This Evening
Brought together this evening through name and blood en route this town of summer sunshine smiles to confront reality. The waves of the potent sea stood calm and the leisurely soundtrack was muted. For, they were not the agenda. A lifetime of distance and now here: side-by-side. Funny how these halls of descent can at the same time bring people together, if only for a moment. I anticipated perhaps not the worst, but near to it and I wondered how she would react. She was only young.
We sat on the bed and engaged in greetings and pleasantries, which were soon malformed into an intolerable silence as the illusory tumbleweed blew passed the open doorway. However, the gaps in sound were soon broken this evening by the outcries of pain from a man in a neighbouring bed. In a state of sleep, but still can’t escape the savage pain that haunts his body for reasons unknown.
Through my eyes, the same eyes that had seen him all my life, I saw a man that has always been there. But I struggled to recognise him. He was normal yet at the same different. I found it hard to look but knew I couldn’t turn away. The cancer had slowly and violently attacked him over a period of pain, which I only learnt to be aware of and understand a few years back. It had never been as visible as it was this evening. I could not and, still can’t to this very word comprehend in my head how my Granddad was feeling, mind, body and soul. Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a bounty on his head. I couldn’t cope with that. I would have broken down and thrown in the proverbial towel a long time ago. But the war veteran keeps on fighting. He may not win the war, but he’s reigned victorious over many battles passed. For this, I respect him so much.
As I looked around the room this evening I saw a number of beds holding broken men, being cared for by kind hearted members of our population. These shadows of men that I saw before me, fighting for their lives and not giving up, would have once been healthy just like you and me, until they were struck down by fate. It made me think about the frailness of life and the inevitability of death. I don’t know what death is, nor do I life for that matter, but perhaps it’s possible to find hope in demise. While I sat there in the company of my father and siblings, listening to what my Granddad had to say, I tried to decide if it was possible. Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others.
As it came time for closure, he told me how he believed in my aspirations and me. It’s likely he won’t be around to see if I make something of myself, but still I won’t give up, as he trusts in me. My brother, younger sister and myself said our goodbyes hoping they wouldn’t be the last and left the room for my Dad to speak in private. As we walked to the reception of Bournemouth Hospital this evening, none of us knew what to say so silence set in once again.
This is what I experienced and how I felt this evening and for what I have seen, I am forever changed. For this I am thankful, as I realise now, how our mundane, humdrum problems are nothing. We may have had a bad day but it was on our own terms and not controlled by another, as when night falls the most of us still have our health and freedom. However I am not thankful that I had to witness not only family, but also complete strangers in a state that nobody deserves and I would wish upon no one.
-Chris Douch
Thanks for reading and any help you may give
_____________________
This Evening
Brought together this evening through name and blood en route this town of summer sunshine smiles to confront reality. The waves of the potent sea stood calm and the leisurely soundtrack was muted. For, they were not the agenda. A lifetime of distance and now here: side-by-side. Funny how these halls of descent can at the same time bring people together, if only for a moment. I anticipated perhaps not the worst, but near to it and I wondered how she would react. She was only young.
We sat on the bed and engaged in greetings and pleasantries, which were soon malformed into an intolerable silence as the illusory tumbleweed blew passed the open doorway. However, the gaps in sound were soon broken this evening by the outcries of pain from a man in a neighbouring bed. In a state of sleep, but still can’t escape the savage pain that haunts his body for reasons unknown.
Through my eyes, the same eyes that had seen him all my life, I saw a man that has always been there. But I struggled to recognise him. He was normal yet at the same different. I found it hard to look but knew I couldn’t turn away. The cancer had slowly and violently attacked him over a period of pain, which I only learnt to be aware of and understand a few years back. It had never been as visible as it was this evening. I could not and, still can’t to this very word comprehend in my head how my Granddad was feeling, mind, body and soul. Every moment of the waking life in the knowledge that the clock has a bounty on his head. I couldn’t cope with that. I would have broken down and thrown in the proverbial towel a long time ago. But the war veteran keeps on fighting. He may not win the war, but he’s reigned victorious over many battles passed. For this, I respect him so much.
As I looked around the room this evening I saw a number of beds holding broken men, being cared for by kind hearted members of our population. These shadows of men that I saw before me, fighting for their lives and not giving up, would have once been healthy just like you and me, until they were struck down by fate. It made me think about the frailness of life and the inevitability of death. I don’t know what death is, nor do I life for that matter, but perhaps it’s possible to find hope in demise. While I sat there in the company of my father and siblings, listening to what my Granddad had to say, I tried to decide if it was possible. Perhaps the hope is that what we exercise, learn and who we are, is passed on to those we experience in life and they carry it on to continue “the circle of life”. I realise, like the film said: everyone who lives, will someday die and die alone but we will carry on in the spirit of others.
As it came time for closure, he told me how he believed in my aspirations and me. It’s likely he won’t be around to see if I make something of myself, but still I won’t give up, as he trusts in me. My brother, younger sister and myself said our goodbyes hoping they wouldn’t be the last and left the room for my Dad to speak in private. As we walked to the reception of Bournemouth Hospital this evening, none of us knew what to say so silence set in once again.
This is what I experienced and how I felt this evening and for what I have seen, I am forever changed. For this I am thankful, as I realise now, how our mundane, humdrum problems are nothing. We may have had a bad day but it was on our own terms and not controlled by another, as when night falls the most of us still have our health and freedom. However I am not thankful that I had to witness not only family, but also complete strangers in a state that nobody deserves and I would wish upon no one.
-Chris Douch