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One foggy night under the faded glow of the full moon, a young lady was driving her small, but fast car home from another pointless and lonely day. After once again being unoticed, she had reached breaking point, and finally went along with her plan. However before she did that, she stopped at an all-night garage, for some food, as she had gone almost all day without eating.
She decided to stop and sit down before she tended to her hunger, she wanted to re-read her suicide note, which was the main part of her plan. There were plenty of reasons for her suicide attempt. She was a very depressed woman, she was unfortunate with everything, she never got blessed with children or a loving husband, she had never had a companion, she never had a mother or father. So, as you would expect she didn't love anything and obviously nothing loved her in return.
Her suicide note, was most likely a cry for help, she never really wanted to die, no one ever does, but she wanted to be seen for once. She hadn't really existed before that, no body ever realised that she was there, so what was the point? She figured that if she wrote a suicide note, that she would be reconized at last, even if it was for all of the wrong reasons, but she had to have written the note exactly right, and as dramatic and complicated as possible.
Which is why her suicide note read as a poem, she often read poems, to escape reality, but this poem was written to change her reality:
This is an attempt,
an attempt to make you cry,
I'm hoping this will work,
because I never tell a lie.
First I'll draw a picture,
a picture with a twist,
I'll draw it with a razor,
and I'll draw it on my wrist.
I'll take some sleeping pills,
but hopefully never wake,
but if I ever do,
then my head I will bake.
I'm gonna kill myself,
and there's no need to gloat,
all I have to do,
is tie an object round my throat.
I'll walk along the train tracks,
and maybe I will slip,
and when you come to find me,
you'll find me bit by bit.
I can always find a tower,
and jump from up high,
all I need to do,
is climb towards the sky.
I hope this has your attention,
because I'll try it all,
anything that keeps me,
from being oh, so small.
After checking through it a dozen times, the young and needy lady went into the garage, to finally tend to her needs, as if nothing was different, because even if it was, she was certain that no one would ever notice. Sometimes it seemed as if she were invisible to any one living, and often she would be.
She came out of the garage, carrying her breakfast, lunch and dinner that was presented in a form of a small snack for that was all that she could afford. She got into her car, not noticing that she hadn't locked the any of the doors before. She placed her snack on the front passengers seat, done up her seat belt and carried on with her journey home.
As she reached for the snack, she noticed in her mirror that there was a car behind her, this was strange as the time was now nearly mid-night. At first she thought that she was being paraniod, so she just ignored it. However the more she tried to ignore he car, the more she felt that the car was following her, she somehow managed to convince herself that the car wasn't.
Suddenly, she noticed the mysterious car trying to drive into her, so to get away from it she drove faster, but the car behind just did the same. She turned several corners, but still the car remained behind her, she reached for her mobile phone on the dash-board, but dropped it after driving over a speed bump.
Then she started to panic, and ridiculously decided to go through the forest. She was driving faster, her heart was beating harder. At this point she thought that she might die. Finally, what she thought was an useful idea sprang into her head. So she did it, she switched her head lights off, but still drove on.
At last she lost the car, but that was the worst thing she could have done. The person that was following her was only trying to warn her about the strange and mysterious figure, that he saw get into her car whilst she was in the shop, and witnessed it seatle down on her back seat, he also saw the outline of what seemed to be a knife that the unusual and possibly manic person was holding, so it was a good thing that she wanted to die, wasn't it?
She decided to stop and sit down before she tended to her hunger, she wanted to re-read her suicide note, which was the main part of her plan. There were plenty of reasons for her suicide attempt. She was a very depressed woman, she was unfortunate with everything, she never got blessed with children or a loving husband, she had never had a companion, she never had a mother or father. So, as you would expect she didn't love anything and obviously nothing loved her in return.
Her suicide note, was most likely a cry for help, she never really wanted to die, no one ever does, but she wanted to be seen for once. She hadn't really existed before that, no body ever realised that she was there, so what was the point? She figured that if she wrote a suicide note, that she would be reconized at last, even if it was for all of the wrong reasons, but she had to have written the note exactly right, and as dramatic and complicated as possible.
Which is why her suicide note read as a poem, she often read poems, to escape reality, but this poem was written to change her reality:
This is an attempt,
an attempt to make you cry,
I'm hoping this will work,
because I never tell a lie.
First I'll draw a picture,
a picture with a twist,
I'll draw it with a razor,
and I'll draw it on my wrist.
I'll take some sleeping pills,
but hopefully never wake,
but if I ever do,
then my head I will bake.
I'm gonna kill myself,
and there's no need to gloat,
all I have to do,
is tie an object round my throat.
I'll walk along the train tracks,
and maybe I will slip,
and when you come to find me,
you'll find me bit by bit.
I can always find a tower,
and jump from up high,
all I need to do,
is climb towards the sky.
I hope this has your attention,
because I'll try it all,
anything that keeps me,
from being oh, so small.
After checking through it a dozen times, the young and needy lady went into the garage, to finally tend to her needs, as if nothing was different, because even if it was, she was certain that no one would ever notice. Sometimes it seemed as if she were invisible to any one living, and often she would be.
She came out of the garage, carrying her breakfast, lunch and dinner that was presented in a form of a small snack for that was all that she could afford. She got into her car, not noticing that she hadn't locked the any of the doors before. She placed her snack on the front passengers seat, done up her seat belt and carried on with her journey home.
As she reached for the snack, she noticed in her mirror that there was a car behind her, this was strange as the time was now nearly mid-night. At first she thought that she was being paraniod, so she just ignored it. However the more she tried to ignore he car, the more she felt that the car was following her, she somehow managed to convince herself that the car wasn't.
Suddenly, she noticed the mysterious car trying to drive into her, so to get away from it she drove faster, but the car behind just did the same. She turned several corners, but still the car remained behind her, she reached for her mobile phone on the dash-board, but dropped it after driving over a speed bump.
Then she started to panic, and ridiculously decided to go through the forest. She was driving faster, her heart was beating harder. At this point she thought that she might die. Finally, what she thought was an useful idea sprang into her head. So she did it, she switched her head lights off, but still drove on.
At last she lost the car, but that was the worst thing she could have done. The person that was following her was only trying to warn her about the strange and mysterious figure, that he saw get into her car whilst she was in the shop, and witnessed it seatle down on her back seat, he also saw the outline of what seemed to be a knife that the unusual and possibly manic person was holding, so it was a good thing that she wanted to die, wasn't it?
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Emo?
I loved writing it, I have told it to quite a few friends because I thought it was really good :P
There was this one girl, I told her the first verse (razor) and now she is obsessed with writing suicide poems... I'm a bad influenece :(
I loved writing it, I have told it to quite a few friends because I thought it was really good :P
There was this one girl, I told her the first verse (razor) and now she is obsessed with writing suicide poems... I'm a bad influenece :(
geeky-girl06 wrote:
> Then she started to panic, and ridiculously decided to go
> through the forest
The mainstay of every dumb horror movie ever made - do the complete opposite to what every sane person would do :)
Not much to add as it's all been said and I didn't read this before the changes it sounds like you made. Expect maybe that I am not a lover of poetry but I did like yours.
> Then she started to panic, and ridiculously decided to go
> through the forest
The mainstay of every dumb horror movie ever made - do the complete opposite to what every sane person would do :)
Not much to add as it's all been said and I didn't read this before the changes it sounds like you made. Expect maybe that I am not a lover of poetry but I did like yours.
There are lots of good ideas in this story, but they seem a bit compacted, too many things happening at once. A good first SSC entry though, hopefully many more will follow...
Well, it's good to experiment with lots of different styles, so perhaps your teacher was trying to get you to branch out and do something happy...
I've just been told that my writing is grim
(says my english teacher, when I was writing about a sweet store :s)
I know the above isn't the happiest of all stories, but is my writing grim?
(says my english teacher, when I was writing about a sweet store :s)
I know the above isn't the happiest of all stories, but is my writing grim?
I didnt notice that, I was skimming too fast and editing without reading the previous part...
Flower wrote:> Where abouts, I will try and change it, because I aim to please
> :-)
Well, the obvious one is the opening: "One dark, foggy night, when the moon was full and the night was dark" - you mention "night" twice and "dark" twice.
Now, nights are always dark, so you don't need to tell the reader they are. Also, if it's foggy the full moon would probably be obscured to some degree. So a better opening would be something like: "Under a full moon blurred by fog, a young lady was driving ..."
> :-)
Well, the obvious one is the opening: "One dark, foggy night, when the moon was full and the night was dark" - you mention "night" twice and "dark" twice.
Now, nights are always dark, so you don't need to tell the reader they are. Also, if it's foggy the full moon would probably be obscured to some degree. So a better opening would be something like: "Under a full moon blurred by fog, a young lady was driving ..."
Sibelius wrote:
> The idea is pretty good: that the woman plans to kill herself
> because she thinks nobody cares, and yet a total stranger (in
> the trailing car) cares about her safety ... and also she IS
> going to die - not by suicide, but by murder.
Thanks, I had two original ideas (a suicidal person and being followed at night) so I put them together and came up with this.
> The writing falls short in places...
Where abouts, I will try and change it, because I aim to please :-)
> The idea is pretty good: that the woman plans to kill herself
> because she thinks nobody cares, and yet a total stranger (in
> the trailing car) cares about her safety ... and also she IS
> going to die - not by suicide, but by murder.
Thanks, I had two original ideas (a suicidal person and being followed at night) so I put them together and came up with this.
> The writing falls short in places...
Where abouts, I will try and change it, because I aim to please :-)
The idea is pretty good: that the woman plans to kill herself because she thinks nobody cares, and yet a total stranger (in the trailing car) cares about her safety ... and also she IS going to die - not by suicide, but by murder.
The writing falls short in places, but overall - a decent story.
The writing falls short in places, but overall - a decent story.
I'm done now, I changed it alot, so hopefully you're all satisfied :-)
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