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The ego. Nasty, isn't it? People with large egos pis* us all off. They strut around the place thinking that they're much better than the rest of us, when they're not.
Then, a few years ago, I had a brainwave.
After a week recovering in hospital from a two month long coma, I started to remember tiny bits of the brainwave I had encountered. Have you noticed that people with larger egos tend to have larger - and sometimes swolen - heads? I certainly have. So I decided to conduct my own experiment in an attempt to get the facts behind it.
I rounded up 2 test subjects:
Test subject A: Joe Bloggs.
Joe is a normal guy with a normal ego. He's fully aware that his vapourised colon contents reek like rotten eggs, smelly socks and dog muck, and that he's just like everyone else: he works part-time in a supermarket earning minimum wage, he smells a bit, needs a haircut and spends his evenings watching Eastenders whilst eating six-week old pizza. He has a normal sized head.
Test subject B: Andrew Moore.
Andrew is what we'd call a "pompous, egotistical moron". He is really just like the rest of us; only far, far better off financially. He works a full time 9-5 job in an insurance company earning £8.50 an hour and spends his weekends playing water polo and the odd game of bridge over a few glasses of port. He is not really happy. As you might expect, he has quite a large head in comparison to his body.
For reference purposes, I took photographs of each subject's head:
Joe Bloggs:
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/halpern/joe.gif
Andrew Moore:
http://www.janeandrichard.co.uk/ photos/20020511/img/regularimg_1830_640.jpg
But the real purpose of the experiment itself is to prove the long laughed upon "Ego Theory". The "Ego Theory" theorizes that people with larger egos have larger heads because the person's egotisticalius glandulus (ego gland; the part of the brain that determines the size of a person's ego) must swell in order to perform all the tasks required to sustain the ego; which would include storing a larger amount of information on how to be ego-driven and sending more messages to other "ego points" located throughout the body (breasts, genitals, biceps etc).
Experiment A:
Test subject A (Joe Bloggs) was the first to undergo the operation required to prove that the "Ego Theory" isn't bullsh*t. We removed the subject's brain, and as you can plainly see it is the size of a normal brain which fits into my hands just as it should.
http://www.harvard-magazine.com /issues/mj99/art/images/brain1.jpg
Upon prising open the test subject's ego gland, we found just what we were expecting to find; pictures of naked women, a TV, old pizza and can of deoderant with a big red cross over it.
Experiment B:
To perform the operation on test subject B (Andrew Moore), we had to move our laboratory and surgical equipment to the Millennium Dome Impersonators' Society HQ, as it was the only nearby building that was big enough to contain the test subject's head. The operation took a total time of six weeks, three days and twenty one hours to complete, but we eventually managed to remove the subject's brain. As you can see, the brain is far larger than that of test subject A.
http://www.brainsource.com/images/balloon.jpg
Upon prising open the ego gland of test subject B (and sending in our ten man team of field trained scientists in to investigate), we discovered... nothing; which puzzled us greatly. Further analysis of the air within the ego gland revealed that there was in fact billions of ego particles floating around in the gland's atmosphere. These ego particles seemed to cause confusion within the brain of the subject.
Conclusion:
We have discovered that the ego gland does indeed swell up or shrink in relation to that particular person's ego, but if an ego gland does swell up to too great a size, the ego particles - which contain the information the ego gland needs to sustain itself - drift too far away from each other and cannot function correctly. This causes confusion within the brain of the person which is the cause of their irrational snobbiness towards the lower classes.
Test subject A was given to a family in Texas as a pet, but they promptly ate him within a week. Test subject B was shot.
Then, a few years ago, I had a brainwave.
After a week recovering in hospital from a two month long coma, I started to remember tiny bits of the brainwave I had encountered. Have you noticed that people with larger egos tend to have larger - and sometimes swolen - heads? I certainly have. So I decided to conduct my own experiment in an attempt to get the facts behind it.
I rounded up 2 test subjects:
Test subject A: Joe Bloggs.
Joe is a normal guy with a normal ego. He's fully aware that his vapourised colon contents reek like rotten eggs, smelly socks and dog muck, and that he's just like everyone else: he works part-time in a supermarket earning minimum wage, he smells a bit, needs a haircut and spends his evenings watching Eastenders whilst eating six-week old pizza. He has a normal sized head.
Test subject B: Andrew Moore.
Andrew is what we'd call a "pompous, egotistical moron". He is really just like the rest of us; only far, far better off financially. He works a full time 9-5 job in an insurance company earning £8.50 an hour and spends his weekends playing water polo and the odd game of bridge over a few glasses of port. He is not really happy. As you might expect, he has quite a large head in comparison to his body.
For reference purposes, I took photographs of each subject's head:
Joe Bloggs:
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/halpern/joe.gif
Andrew Moore:
http://www.janeandrichard.co.uk/ photos/20020511/img/regularimg_1830_640.jpg
But the real purpose of the experiment itself is to prove the long laughed upon "Ego Theory". The "Ego Theory" theorizes that people with larger egos have larger heads because the person's egotisticalius glandulus (ego gland; the part of the brain that determines the size of a person's ego) must swell in order to perform all the tasks required to sustain the ego; which would include storing a larger amount of information on how to be ego-driven and sending more messages to other "ego points" located throughout the body (breasts, genitals, biceps etc).
Experiment A:
Test subject A (Joe Bloggs) was the first to undergo the operation required to prove that the "Ego Theory" isn't bullsh*t. We removed the subject's brain, and as you can plainly see it is the size of a normal brain which fits into my hands just as it should.
http://www.harvard-magazine.com /issues/mj99/art/images/brain1.jpg
Upon prising open the test subject's ego gland, we found just what we were expecting to find; pictures of naked women, a TV, old pizza and can of deoderant with a big red cross over it.
Experiment B:
To perform the operation on test subject B (Andrew Moore), we had to move our laboratory and surgical equipment to the Millennium Dome Impersonators' Society HQ, as it was the only nearby building that was big enough to contain the test subject's head. The operation took a total time of six weeks, three days and twenty one hours to complete, but we eventually managed to remove the subject's brain. As you can see, the brain is far larger than that of test subject A.
http://www.brainsource.com/images/balloon.jpg
Upon prising open the ego gland of test subject B (and sending in our ten man team of field trained scientists in to investigate), we discovered... nothing; which puzzled us greatly. Further analysis of the air within the ego gland revealed that there was in fact billions of ego particles floating around in the gland's atmosphere. These ego particles seemed to cause confusion within the brain of the subject.
Conclusion:
We have discovered that the ego gland does indeed swell up or shrink in relation to that particular person's ego, but if an ego gland does swell up to too great a size, the ego particles - which contain the information the ego gland needs to sustain itself - drift too far away from each other and cannot function correctly. This causes confusion within the brain of the person which is the cause of their irrational snobbiness towards the lower classes.
Test subject A was given to a family in Texas as a pet, but they promptly ate him within a week. Test subject B was shot.
I bet people think this is all a joke - but the Andrew Moore we speak of (that you experimented on - lorl) is real!
Test subject B is a....
Test subject B has a tiny penis, but tells other people his is larger due to circumsision.
Test subject B, after going after a girl of quite a few years younger than himself (who now at age 16 looks like she's 12), tried to set others up with younger girls in order to 'use' them.
Test subject B failed more AS-levels than I did.
I rule.
Test subject B, after going after a girl of quite a few years younger than himself (who now at age 16 looks like she's 12), tried to set others up with younger girls in order to 'use' them.
Test subject B failed more AS-levels than I did.
I rule.
FinalFantasyFanatic wrote:
> Erm ...
*
I predicted that this would be the first response.
> Erm ...
*
I predicted that this would be the first response.
My head is normal sized. I think....
Erm ...
The ego. Nasty, isn't it? People with large egos pis* us all off. They strut around the place thinking that they're much better than the rest of us, when they're not.
Then, a few years ago, I had a brainwave.
After a week recovering in hospital from a two month long coma, I started to remember tiny bits of the brainwave I had encountered. Have you noticed that people with larger egos tend to have larger - and sometimes swolen - heads? I certainly have. So I decided to conduct my own experiment in an attempt to get the facts behind it.
I rounded up 2 test subjects:
Test subject A: Joe Bloggs.
Joe is a normal guy with a normal ego. He's fully aware that his vapourised colon contents reek like rotten eggs, smelly socks and dog muck, and that he's just like everyone else: he works part-time in a supermarket earning minimum wage, he smells a bit, needs a haircut and spends his evenings watching Eastenders whilst eating six-week old pizza. He has a normal sized head.
Test subject B: Andrew Moore.
Andrew is what we'd call a "pompous, egotistical moron". He is really just like the rest of us; only far, far better off financially. He works a full time 9-5 job in an insurance company earning £8.50 an hour and spends his weekends playing water polo and the odd game of bridge over a few glasses of port. He is not really happy. As you might expect, he has quite a large head in comparison to his body.
For reference purposes, I took photographs of each subject's head:
Joe Bloggs:
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/halpern/joe.gif
Andrew Moore:
http://www.janeandrichard.co.uk/ photos/20020511/img/regularimg_1830_640.jpg
But the real purpose of the experiment itself is to prove the long laughed upon "Ego Theory". The "Ego Theory" theorizes that people with larger egos have larger heads because the person's egotisticalius glandulus (ego gland; the part of the brain that determines the size of a person's ego) must swell in order to perform all the tasks required to sustain the ego; which would include storing a larger amount of information on how to be ego-driven and sending more messages to other "ego points" located throughout the body (breasts, genitals, biceps etc).
Experiment A:
Test subject A (Joe Bloggs) was the first to undergo the operation required to prove that the "Ego Theory" isn't bullsh*t. We removed the subject's brain, and as you can plainly see it is the size of a normal brain which fits into my hands just as it should.
http://www.harvard-magazine.com /issues/mj99/art/images/brain1.jpg
Upon prising open the test subject's ego gland, we found just what we were expecting to find; pictures of naked women, a TV, old pizza and can of deoderant with a big red cross over it.
Experiment B:
To perform the operation on test subject B (Andrew Moore), we had to move our laboratory and surgical equipment to the Millennium Dome Impersonators' Society HQ, as it was the only nearby building that was big enough to contain the test subject's head. The operation took a total time of six weeks, three days and twenty one hours to complete, but we eventually managed to remove the subject's brain. As you can see, the brain is far larger than that of test subject A.
http://www.brainsource.com/images/balloon.jpg
Upon prising open the ego gland of test subject B (and sending in our ten man team of field trained scientists in to investigate), we discovered... nothing; which puzzled us greatly. Further analysis of the air within the ego gland revealed that there was in fact billions of ego particles floating around in the gland's atmosphere. These ego particles seemed to cause confusion within the brain of the subject.
Conclusion:
We have discovered that the ego gland does indeed swell up or shrink in relation to that particular person's ego, but if an ego gland does swell up to too great a size, the ego particles - which contain the information the ego gland needs to sustain itself - drift too far away from each other and cannot function correctly. This causes confusion within the brain of the person which is the cause of their irrational snobbiness towards the lower classes.
Test subject A was given to a family in Texas as a pet, but they promptly ate him within a week. Test subject B was shot.
Then, a few years ago, I had a brainwave.
After a week recovering in hospital from a two month long coma, I started to remember tiny bits of the brainwave I had encountered. Have you noticed that people with larger egos tend to have larger - and sometimes swolen - heads? I certainly have. So I decided to conduct my own experiment in an attempt to get the facts behind it.
I rounded up 2 test subjects:
Test subject A: Joe Bloggs.
Joe is a normal guy with a normal ego. He's fully aware that his vapourised colon contents reek like rotten eggs, smelly socks and dog muck, and that he's just like everyone else: he works part-time in a supermarket earning minimum wage, he smells a bit, needs a haircut and spends his evenings watching Eastenders whilst eating six-week old pizza. He has a normal sized head.
Test subject B: Andrew Moore.
Andrew is what we'd call a "pompous, egotistical moron". He is really just like the rest of us; only far, far better off financially. He works a full time 9-5 job in an insurance company earning £8.50 an hour and spends his weekends playing water polo and the odd game of bridge over a few glasses of port. He is not really happy. As you might expect, he has quite a large head in comparison to his body.
For reference purposes, I took photographs of each subject's head:
Joe Bloggs:
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/halpern/joe.gif
Andrew Moore:
http://www.janeandrichard.co.uk/ photos/20020511/img/regularimg_1830_640.jpg
But the real purpose of the experiment itself is to prove the long laughed upon "Ego Theory". The "Ego Theory" theorizes that people with larger egos have larger heads because the person's egotisticalius glandulus (ego gland; the part of the brain that determines the size of a person's ego) must swell in order to perform all the tasks required to sustain the ego; which would include storing a larger amount of information on how to be ego-driven and sending more messages to other "ego points" located throughout the body (breasts, genitals, biceps etc).
Experiment A:
Test subject A (Joe Bloggs) was the first to undergo the operation required to prove that the "Ego Theory" isn't bullsh*t. We removed the subject's brain, and as you can plainly see it is the size of a normal brain which fits into my hands just as it should.
http://www.harvard-magazine.com /issues/mj99/art/images/brain1.jpg
Upon prising open the test subject's ego gland, we found just what we were expecting to find; pictures of naked women, a TV, old pizza and can of deoderant with a big red cross over it.
Experiment B:
To perform the operation on test subject B (Andrew Moore), we had to move our laboratory and surgical equipment to the Millennium Dome Impersonators' Society HQ, as it was the only nearby building that was big enough to contain the test subject's head. The operation took a total time of six weeks, three days and twenty one hours to complete, but we eventually managed to remove the subject's brain. As you can see, the brain is far larger than that of test subject A.
http://www.brainsource.com/images/balloon.jpg
Upon prising open the ego gland of test subject B (and sending in our ten man team of field trained scientists in to investigate), we discovered... nothing; which puzzled us greatly. Further analysis of the air within the ego gland revealed that there was in fact billions of ego particles floating around in the gland's atmosphere. These ego particles seemed to cause confusion within the brain of the subject.
Conclusion:
We have discovered that the ego gland does indeed swell up or shrink in relation to that particular person's ego, but if an ego gland does swell up to too great a size, the ego particles - which contain the information the ego gland needs to sustain itself - drift too far away from each other and cannot function correctly. This causes confusion within the brain of the person which is the cause of their irrational snobbiness towards the lower classes.
Test subject A was given to a family in Texas as a pet, but they promptly ate him within a week. Test subject B was shot.