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I think this has been posted before, but what the hell!
~~~~~
If a small child is choking on an ice cube: don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto: the blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans: save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead - it is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics: when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Manchester United fans: avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by m@sturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Smokers: save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers: don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes - save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Have all your sh#ts at work – not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
~~~~~
If a small child is choking on an ice cube: don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto: the blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans: save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead - it is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics: when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Manchester United fans: avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by m@sturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Smokers: save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers: don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes - save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Have all your sh#ts at work – not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Don't answer you door - it may be burglars.
:-D
Timmargh wrote:
> Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing
> thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
* Sighs
Sounds so easy in theory.
I've not read them before so I found them amusing.
> Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing
> thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
* Sighs
Sounds so easy in theory.
I've not read them before so I found them amusing.
Some great humour there.
Heres some more,
Fed up of always getting locked outside your front door? well simply leave a crowbar outside and bobs your uncle.
If you detest english lessons at school and want to skive them just phone up the school and tell them you have SARS.
Fed up of people trying to steal your bike? if yes then just simply take the wheels off and carry them under your arms.
If you hate queing at the bank just get your revolver fag lighter out and shout "get down on the floor", the other people will be more than willing to lye down while you step over them to the cashier, you can even light a fag afterwoods.
Want to know how good your smoke alarm is? set your house and fire and find out.
Heres some more,
Fed up of always getting locked outside your front door? well simply leave a crowbar outside and bobs your uncle.
If you detest english lessons at school and want to skive them just phone up the school and tell them you have SARS.
Fed up of people trying to steal your bike? if yes then just simply take the wheels off and carry them under your arms.
If you hate queing at the bank just get your revolver fag lighter out and shout "get down on the floor", the other people will be more than willing to lye down while you step over them to the cashier, you can even light a fag afterwoods.
Want to know how good your smoke alarm is? set your house and fire and find out.
Those were funny, haven't heard them before.
*reads again* Haha!
*reads again* Haha!
Arf!
I've heard a few before but most still made me laugh. A nice little ray of sunshine on an otherwise dull and cloudy day.
I think this has been posted before, but what the hell!
~~~~~
If a small child is choking on an ice cube: don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto: the blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans: save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead - it is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics: when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Manchester United fans: avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by m@sturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Smokers: save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers: don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes - save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Have all your sh#ts at work – not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
~~~~~
If a small child is choking on an ice cube: don't panic! Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto: the blockage is almost instantly removed.
Manchester United fans: save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead - it is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f###ing thing in the first place, you fat b#####ds.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics: when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Manchester United fans: avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by m@sturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Smokers: save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers: don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes - save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Have all your sh#ts at work – not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.