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I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Cubist wrote:
> Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Why is this line still in there? You've just used a different weed adjective. 'Contributed to the scent'. Why even say that? Weeds DON'T smell!
> Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Why is this line still in there? You've just used a different weed adjective. 'Contributed to the scent'. Why even say that? Weeds DON'T smell!
Ok here is my up dated version, not much has changed but I think it's better -
Evergreen
It had changed so much in such a short time
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense them too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The smell of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen
Evergreen
It had changed so much in such a short time
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense them too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The smell of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen
> The smell of life drifted through the air
> The bittersweet smell of pine
> The smell of flowers
The repetition doesn't work very well. If all three were 'the smell' with the same rythm maybe, but at the moment it doesn't really fit.
> Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
That's a terrible line. It doesn't fit in at all. "Lovely smells, BORING SCIENCE BIT WITH OVERLY COMPLICATED WORDS". Food has an aroma, flowers have scents.
Hope that helped.
> The bittersweet smell of pine
> The smell of flowers
The repetition doesn't work very well. If all three were 'the smell' with the same rythm maybe, but at the moment it doesn't really fit.
> Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
That's a terrible line. It doesn't fit in at all. "Lovely smells, BORING SCIENCE BIT WITH OVERLY COMPLICATED WORDS". Food has an aroma, flowers have scents.
Hope that helped.
Thats quite good acctually compared to my poems i do
I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen