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What the hell have I become?
Once upon a time, I had guns I used to stick by, through whatever. Storytelling was all there was to me, characters, imagination. I had a passion for life that I can't explain, I had this amazing stand in life, not just a purpose, but a way of life.
And I try so hard to give myself passion. I try and try and try to keep picking myself back up, but well, it really is just so hard to keep holding on.
I put myself in situations to see if I can survive. I don't want to survive anymore, I don't want to see if I can keep alive, I want to LIVE. I want to spark off the fuel that I KNOW is just sitting there inside me, waiting for a match.
I keep holding on in the hope that one day I'll explode. I'm so afraid of loving anything, I'm so afraid of speaking, of putting my voice through clearly. That's why I wrote so much crappy poetry, so I can hide it away a bit but still seep it out.
I don't want to seep out emotion for Christ's sake, I want to throw it out, I want to burn the lands with flames. But my GOD it's hard sometimes.
How can these people, these people who truly get somewhere in life, turn and say that there wasn't a single point where they lost hope? Where they lost passion?
Can I truly believe that because I've lost my passion now, that it can never come back? Can I truly even THINK that I could even KEEP things that I'm passionate about because of the bitter fear inside me that I'll just hurt them?
I need a spark. Just one damn spark, and I promise you, I could blow you all away.
Because I'm sure, I'm so damn sure, that true passion never really dies, it just fades away. It's forgotten about. It's waiting for one little thing to let it explode. To let it fly up into the air and show every single damn person who's looking how fantastic you really are.
Where's my confidence gone? I've helped so many people, I know. There are people I've talked out of suicide, for Christ's sake, there are people I've helped to help them find their passion. There are people that I've helped to keep a grip on things. I can help so many damn people but I can't really help myself, no matter how much I pretend or try, it seems.
But I guess I've got to keep trying. It's not as if I'm waiting for someone to come and turn me around... I've never done that. It's just that sometimes, I guess I just need a kick where it hurts.
GRR.
I need to rip this world apart.
I need to rip this damn world apart and show people how to live.
If I just knew HOW.
Once upon a time, I had guns I used to stick by, through whatever. Storytelling was all there was to me, characters, imagination. I had a passion for life that I can't explain, I had this amazing stand in life, not just a purpose, but a way of life.
And I try so hard to give myself passion. I try and try and try to keep picking myself back up, but well, it really is just so hard to keep holding on.
I put myself in situations to see if I can survive. I don't want to survive anymore, I don't want to see if I can keep alive, I want to LIVE. I want to spark off the fuel that I KNOW is just sitting there inside me, waiting for a match.
I keep holding on in the hope that one day I'll explode. I'm so afraid of loving anything, I'm so afraid of speaking, of putting my voice through clearly. That's why I wrote so much crappy poetry, so I can hide it away a bit but still seep it out.
I don't want to seep out emotion for Christ's sake, I want to throw it out, I want to burn the lands with flames. But my GOD it's hard sometimes.
How can these people, these people who truly get somewhere in life, turn and say that there wasn't a single point where they lost hope? Where they lost passion?
Can I truly believe that because I've lost my passion now, that it can never come back? Can I truly even THINK that I could even KEEP things that I'm passionate about because of the bitter fear inside me that I'll just hurt them?
I need a spark. Just one damn spark, and I promise you, I could blow you all away.
Because I'm sure, I'm so damn sure, that true passion never really dies, it just fades away. It's forgotten about. It's waiting for one little thing to let it explode. To let it fly up into the air and show every single damn person who's looking how fantastic you really are.
Where's my confidence gone? I've helped so many people, I know. There are people I've talked out of suicide, for Christ's sake, there are people I've helped to help them find their passion. There are people that I've helped to keep a grip on things. I can help so many damn people but I can't really help myself, no matter how much I pretend or try, it seems.
But I guess I've got to keep trying. It's not as if I'm waiting for someone to come and turn me around... I've never done that. It's just that sometimes, I guess I just need a kick where it hurts.
GRR.
I need to rip this world apart.
I need to rip this damn world apart and show people how to live.
If I just knew HOW.
What I love to do is give myself a project.
I've got a few projects in mind, don't have enough money though for all of them.
1) Build a small ship from lolly pop sticks. I'm doing this at the moment, but I left all my sticks up in Colchester, back in Wales now.
2) Get to Paris and back within 48 hours, dressed as a Ninja. I need someone to do this with me. Such a fantastic idea.
3) Start work on another puppet, try and design a true system for facial expressions, make a puppet. More of them I do, the better I'll get.
I've got a few projects in mind, don't have enough money though for all of them.
1) Build a small ship from lolly pop sticks. I'm doing this at the moment, but I left all my sticks up in Colchester, back in Wales now.
2) Get to Paris and back within 48 hours, dressed as a Ninja. I need someone to do this with me. Such a fantastic idea.
3) Start work on another puppet, try and design a true system for facial expressions, make a puppet. More of them I do, the better I'll get.
At this very moment, I don't care, and it saddens me. Because I want to.
It feels like the entire basis of my thinking has fallen out and means sod all to anyone.
It feels like the entire basis of my thinking has fallen out and means sod all to anyone.
These things, they come and go.
It's always depressing when you lose inspiration, but hey, the more you go without a passion the more powerful the next one is when it hits you...
It's always depressing when you lose inspiration, but hey, the more you go without a passion the more powerful the next one is when it hits you...
Panic over, I'm fine now. Hehehe.
Probably the shortest depression of all time.
Probably the shortest depression of all time.
What the hell have I become?
Once upon a time, I had guns I used to stick by, through whatever. Storytelling was all there was to me, characters, imagination. I had a passion for life that I can't explain, I had this amazing stand in life, not just a purpose, but a way of life.
And I try so hard to give myself passion. I try and try and try to keep picking myself back up, but well, it really is just so hard to keep holding on.
I put myself in situations to see if I can survive. I don't want to survive anymore, I don't want to see if I can keep alive, I want to LIVE. I want to spark off the fuel that I KNOW is just sitting there inside me, waiting for a match.
I keep holding on in the hope that one day I'll explode. I'm so afraid of loving anything, I'm so afraid of speaking, of putting my voice through clearly. That's why I wrote so much crappy poetry, so I can hide it away a bit but still seep it out.
I don't want to seep out emotion for Christ's sake, I want to throw it out, I want to burn the lands with flames. But my GOD it's hard sometimes.
How can these people, these people who truly get somewhere in life, turn and say that there wasn't a single point where they lost hope? Where they lost passion?
Can I truly believe that because I've lost my passion now, that it can never come back? Can I truly even THINK that I could even KEEP things that I'm passionate about because of the bitter fear inside me that I'll just hurt them?
I need a spark. Just one damn spark, and I promise you, I could blow you all away.
Because I'm sure, I'm so damn sure, that true passion never really dies, it just fades away. It's forgotten about. It's waiting for one little thing to let it explode. To let it fly up into the air and show every single damn person who's looking how fantastic you really are.
Where's my confidence gone? I've helped so many people, I know. There are people I've talked out of suicide, for Christ's sake, there are people I've helped to help them find their passion. There are people that I've helped to keep a grip on things. I can help so many damn people but I can't really help myself, no matter how much I pretend or try, it seems.
But I guess I've got to keep trying. It's not as if I'm waiting for someone to come and turn me around... I've never done that. It's just that sometimes, I guess I just need a kick where it hurts.
GRR.
I need to rip this world apart.
I need to rip this damn world apart and show people how to live.
If I just knew HOW.
Once upon a time, I had guns I used to stick by, through whatever. Storytelling was all there was to me, characters, imagination. I had a passion for life that I can't explain, I had this amazing stand in life, not just a purpose, but a way of life.
And I try so hard to give myself passion. I try and try and try to keep picking myself back up, but well, it really is just so hard to keep holding on.
I put myself in situations to see if I can survive. I don't want to survive anymore, I don't want to see if I can keep alive, I want to LIVE. I want to spark off the fuel that I KNOW is just sitting there inside me, waiting for a match.
I keep holding on in the hope that one day I'll explode. I'm so afraid of loving anything, I'm so afraid of speaking, of putting my voice through clearly. That's why I wrote so much crappy poetry, so I can hide it away a bit but still seep it out.
I don't want to seep out emotion for Christ's sake, I want to throw it out, I want to burn the lands with flames. But my GOD it's hard sometimes.
How can these people, these people who truly get somewhere in life, turn and say that there wasn't a single point where they lost hope? Where they lost passion?
Can I truly believe that because I've lost my passion now, that it can never come back? Can I truly even THINK that I could even KEEP things that I'm passionate about because of the bitter fear inside me that I'll just hurt them?
I need a spark. Just one damn spark, and I promise you, I could blow you all away.
Because I'm sure, I'm so damn sure, that true passion never really dies, it just fades away. It's forgotten about. It's waiting for one little thing to let it explode. To let it fly up into the air and show every single damn person who's looking how fantastic you really are.
Where's my confidence gone? I've helped so many people, I know. There are people I've talked out of suicide, for Christ's sake, there are people I've helped to help them find their passion. There are people that I've helped to keep a grip on things. I can help so many damn people but I can't really help myself, no matter how much I pretend or try, it seems.
But I guess I've got to keep trying. It's not as if I'm waiting for someone to come and turn me around... I've never done that. It's just that sometimes, I guess I just need a kick where it hurts.
GRR.
I need to rip this world apart.
I need to rip this damn world apart and show people how to live.
If I just knew HOW.