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"Jam the Jam that Insults the Clam"

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Tue 01/04/03 at 11:38
Regular
Posts: 787
The small town of Ilfrapool, located on Wales' south-west coast is today facing a crisis that could escalate to one of the worst cases in Welsh history. The town has had its supply of jam donuts cut off.

A group of students of Ilfrapool's Rip Allfoo University, thought to be feminists, have called donut delivery companies and cancelled bakery orders, and blockaded roads to stop the trucks getting through where donut orders could not be stopped. There have even been reports of raids on local bakers, to ensure that they're not baking their own jammy treats.

Olaf Lipor, a Russian that has lived in Ilfrapool since his dinghy was washed ashore there in 1342, owns the Folop Lair, a traditional bakery. "I had been unable to contact 'Donuts R Us' for my usual supply, so I decided to bake my own. I arrived at my bakery at 4am still tired, but knew I would have to work hard to get them all done before opening time. Everything was fine until I made the hole in which to insert the jam. I heard the window smash, glass going all over my donut dough, and my huge vat of jam was tipped all over the floor by a gang of pandas. I managed to capture one, and it was not a panda at all, but a girl dressed as a panda! She said to me "We cannot allow you to mock our cha-cha's in this way! It's a violation of all females and the blood they shed in a cruel, cruel world." I was so shocked I let her go, but it will take my army of earwigs months to clear all of this jam up!"

We approached the University's Women's Network for answers and Fai Pollor, a student of Rip Allfoo, was kind enough to give us a few worlds on the situation.

"It's time that women made a stand in this male dominated society. Again and again we see our periods thrown in our face, and laughed at, and jam donuts are the worst offenders. If we can stamp them out here in Ilfrapool, perhaps the rest of Wales, the UK, and Europe will eventually take notice. Don't think our crusade will end with donuts either, we need to be liberated from other filth-snacks, such as the cherry flapjack."

Local resident Ali Fopoll was not best impressed by the whole situation. "It's political correctness gone mad, isn't it? I love my donuts because of their sugary sweetness, and jammy stickiness, I've never even seen them in the same light as lady parts during the red tide. I'll tell you another thing an' all. That place isn't even a University, it's a Polytechnic with pretensions! They only started calling it a University last year! They think they're so smart with their reading and their writing, but they'll get there's. You mark my works!"

Indeed, we should all mark his words, and I suggest stockpiling donuts, the coming months could be difficult.
Tue 01/04/03 at 12:13
"Darth Vader 3442321"
Posts: 4,031
Typical. I hate feminists with their constant rebellion against foodism and what's next will the gays be complaining about people eating ring doughnuts. What about a call for a ban on battered products by housewifes and artificial preservatives by undertakers?

This country used to stand for something, there was a time when we could eat beef like it grew on Cows and now we cannot eat anything lest it doth make us sicketh to our core. You could eat apple cores before the war and people foresaw how sore it would be to have your stomach rubbed raw by a tree growing in't.

Madness.
Tue 01/04/03 at 11:58
Regular
"Stud-muffin!!"
Posts: 563
No news on the current cookie crisis then?
Tue 01/04/03 at 11:38
Regular
"not dead"
Posts: 11,145
The small town of Ilfrapool, located on Wales' south-west coast is today facing a crisis that could escalate to one of the worst cases in Welsh history. The town has had its supply of jam donuts cut off.

A group of students of Ilfrapool's Rip Allfoo University, thought to be feminists, have called donut delivery companies and cancelled bakery orders, and blockaded roads to stop the trucks getting through where donut orders could not be stopped. There have even been reports of raids on local bakers, to ensure that they're not baking their own jammy treats.

Olaf Lipor, a Russian that has lived in Ilfrapool since his dinghy was washed ashore there in 1342, owns the Folop Lair, a traditional bakery. "I had been unable to contact 'Donuts R Us' for my usual supply, so I decided to bake my own. I arrived at my bakery at 4am still tired, but knew I would have to work hard to get them all done before opening time. Everything was fine until I made the hole in which to insert the jam. I heard the window smash, glass going all over my donut dough, and my huge vat of jam was tipped all over the floor by a gang of pandas. I managed to capture one, and it was not a panda at all, but a girl dressed as a panda! She said to me "We cannot allow you to mock our cha-cha's in this way! It's a violation of all females and the blood they shed in a cruel, cruel world." I was so shocked I let her go, but it will take my army of earwigs months to clear all of this jam up!"

We approached the University's Women's Network for answers and Fai Pollor, a student of Rip Allfoo, was kind enough to give us a few worlds on the situation.

"It's time that women made a stand in this male dominated society. Again and again we see our periods thrown in our face, and laughed at, and jam donuts are the worst offenders. If we can stamp them out here in Ilfrapool, perhaps the rest of Wales, the UK, and Europe will eventually take notice. Don't think our crusade will end with donuts either, we need to be liberated from other filth-snacks, such as the cherry flapjack."

Local resident Ali Fopoll was not best impressed by the whole situation. "It's political correctness gone mad, isn't it? I love my donuts because of their sugary sweetness, and jammy stickiness, I've never even seen them in the same light as lady parts during the red tide. I'll tell you another thing an' all. That place isn't even a University, it's a Polytechnic with pretensions! They only started calling it a University last year! They think they're so smart with their reading and their writing, but they'll get there's. You mark my works!"

Indeed, we should all mark his words, and I suggest stockpiling donuts, the coming months could be difficult.

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