12 days into The Gulf War 2: Iraq Attack and tactics have changed. From what was initially though to be a “shock and awe” display of quickly bombing and liberating an oppressed people (by carpet bombing the capital city, shooting dead women and children at checkpoints and being responsible for 20 of 26 UK soldiers killed so far), Donald Rumsfeld acknowledges that “things have changed”
“Well” said Rumsfeld via one of those rubbish green video-cigarettes “They ain’t playing along and frankly we’re annoyed. Our advisors told us that the Iraqis would be waving little US flags, throwing flowers for our soldiers and offering us their prized goats in a thank you for liberating them from this oppressive regime. This hasn’t happened. Some of them are even shooting back at us. I don’t get it”
Having secured Iraq’s only deep-water port in order to shoot dolphins with mines on their heads (US Troops mistook them for non-surrendering Iraqi spy-fish), it was widely believed that troops would enter Basra and, to quote, “bring the pain to Hussein” (this was shortly followed by 2 entire US battalions shouting “Hammertime! Hammertime!” before promptly shooting at UK soldiers).
However General Colin Baden-Powell (formerly of 2nd Squad Scout Leaders) gave a press conference to assembled reporters, who were all very happy to be dressed like soldiers and reporting from the front line – quite often launching themselves from oversized trampolines to heights of over 8ft in order to see over Basra’s walls.
“Gentlemen. Our initial promise of a swift and decisive campaign utilising shock and awe was wrong. Instead of taking the important strategic town of Basra, as initially promised, we’re sitting outside waiting. It’s a mindgame we’re playing. A bit like war, but with invisible head-cannons able to blast abject theory over 300 yards, even at night. Basra is an important target, don’t misunderstand me. But we are unwilling to enter and engage in urban warfare. Because it’s dangerous and we cant fit our tanks down those little alleys.”
Military Advisor Tom Clancy added “I’m an author. I write books, why I’m being used as an expert on CNN is beyond me. God Bless America and all that sailed under her”
When questioned as to why The Coalition had not yet begun to take Basra, almost 2 weeks after the initial load-screen and options had been selected for Gulf 2, square-jawed military expert Kurt Russell gave the following explanation “Dude, have you ever seen Black Hawk Down? We got our behinds handed to us, no way are we going to put our men in that situation again. Urban Tactical warfare? Uh-huh, no way Bub. You know what old Jack Burton says at a time like this…”
Russell was promptly dragged away by CIA casting agents and could be heard shouting “You called down the thunder? Well now you got it”, before being locked in a DVD commentary soundtrack booth and forced to discuss moustaches with John Carpenter.
Defence Maniac Donald Rumsfeld then reluctantly agreed to the wide-faced statements of Captain Russell, “Ok it’s true. They’re soldiers, and we say the best trained in the entire world. But they might get shot at, and possibly through if we send them in there. Y’all seen that movie with Josh Hartnett and Tom Sizemore, Captain Ridley directed that training video and we don’t want that to happen again. Also, there ain’t no “blue on blue” chances in that there town, and we don’t like those odds. We’d rather hang back at checkpoints and take potshots at trucks with Union Jacks on or buses and stuff. But we do have a secret weapon.”
This secret weapon was not, as initially expected, a space-based super-laser – but instead a crack team of urban warfare specialists with 100+ hours of inner-city battles.
Special Advisor Thuggy B gave details “Yo, lissen up punks. We done had enough of your foolish army, it’s time to tell what time it is”
Assembled reporters were left baffled but visibly excited.
Thuggy B went on “Man, damn yo weakass soldiers, too scared to run up on ‘em and ####. We gonna show you how the brother man kill the other man”
Thuggy B revealed the latest arsenal in the US Army with a flourish and a video with half-naked women gyrating, “Press, I give you…Boyz in Tha Hoods”
The curtain went back to display an entire squad of South Central Gangstas in Haz-Mat suits in specially adapted low-rider cars.
“These bucks know all about urban shootings, and we don’t be scared of no Muslim. Because we are one. Ha Salaam A Layka my brothers. Peace out”
The GI-G’s then cruised towards Basra with their systems pumping, bass thumping and dogs a’humping.
“It ain’t all about the capdown” said Reverend 50% “I’m into having sex I ain’t into making love, so come give me a hug”
The convoy circled Basra once, hydraulics tipping and a flipping before entering the town with a unified “Where ma dogs at? Urgh! Urgh! Urgh”
The war is expected to be over in 2 days.
Either you are not the real IB or you've been demoted for being a goober.
> lnsane Bartender wrote:
> You peon. Er long time no see (words of your in posts) young man.
Read the tag vagrant. My notability has been vanquished for reasons unknown to myself. Peasants all of you!!
You peon. Er long time no see (words of your in posts) young man.
"But you're shooting us dead and bombing our towns"
"Liberation, freedom and hot dogs"
"But we're Muslim"
"Dont be so ungrateful. Rise against Saddam!"
"We tried that and got massacred when you failed to help us. Pls give us drinking water, we have a humanitarian crisis"
"Nothing. Look, a daisy-cutter!"
They must be sitting there thinking:
"Hey look, they're back to liberate us again! Oh look, they've stopped. I see, they're waiting for us to rise against Saddam ourselves! Let's try that again, like we did 12 years ago..."
I reckon they ought to send Columbo to see Saddam personally.
"Just one more thing Saddam..."
I would suggest Ironside, but those palaces are a 'pain' for wheelchair access.
You can see the Americans sinking one of our Destroyers claiming "the Suicide Sardine was flouting the exclusion zone around the ships and in order to stop it suiciding and blowing the ship up, we shot it, and the ship, just to make sure. We didn't want it coming over to American ships and blowing itself up again".
Captain Birds Eye has been given the role of FBIC leader (Fish Battle Intelligence Core) and has called upon the people of the world to unite and "batter a cod today" for freedom. He also revealed that special ready made liberty packs of fish, convieniently arranged into fingers, are available in the shops for people to practise upon.
Last night TV star Flipper condemned, what he claimed was the loss of innocent fish lives, denouncing the war as being "kkkkrrrrllllllllleek".