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"Progressing to suicide"

My fears, my torments, my misery; all are slipping away…I'm happy. I didn't want it to end like this, I told myself it shouldn't. I remember my first time. I was only about 12, innocent and young. My new baby brother was getting all the attention that I craved. I needed it. I took an overdose; my mind couldn't handle it. They shouldn't have left the tablets in my reach.

It happened again when I was about 14. My girlfriend dumped me; said I wasn't good enough. I slid back into the depression of earlier years. Time stood still. I didn't need this life, and this life was certainly better off without me. That's why I did it. I thought I would be able to use that rope, but it was far too old. It only caused lacerations on my neck. I promised myself I wouldn't try again. But I lied.

And it carried on. A few months later my Dad died. Why should I carry on with the pain? I have no burns, cuts or bruises; this is deep inside me. I should have met the end of the road there. I should have passed on, but I was held back by my mother. She knew what I was planning. She swapped the pills for laxatives. That made me feel worse. Why couldn't the pain flush out with the yesterday's diner?

When I left school, things didn't get much better. I was kicked out of Uni after the first year. What did I have to rest upon now? That's when I met her. She seemed to be able to solve my problems, release the pain and suffering from inside of me.

Jenny was like an angel. She was here to solve my problems. I would have been free… until that summer evening. Some b*****d thought he was clever; alcohol wouldn't affect him. He could take it.

I always wondered why they manufactured motorcycles to travel at such high speeds. Now I know- to kill. He ploughed into her as she was crossing the road.


Maybe lying here isn't so bad. I won't have to suffer anymore. The pain is flowing out through the slit in my wrist. I know I've succeeded this time, but it could have been different. What if I hadn't dropped out of Uni? What if my Dad hadn't died?

What if I hadn't had too much to drink before climbing onto my bike and heading home?

Velly good.

Thanks. I guess I wanted to try something different Gerrid. Who knows.

Very nice.

Nice post.

Black Glove wrote:

> Ouch. You wanted death and instead got the trots

That should be quote of the day :-)

Microchips wrote:
> She knew
> what I was planning. She swapped the pills for laxatives. That made
> me feel worse. Why couldn't the pain flush out with the yesterday's
> diner?

Ouch. You wanted death and instead got the trots, which for a short time, is a fate worse than death. Especially after downing a bottle.

Great post - not bad at all!

That was very VERY good mate - You rule at writing! I haven't seen your serious writing side until now, and I like it.

Wooahw, easy young shipseh, easy.
What brought this on then?

Chipsehs gone serious indeed.

Well written.