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Amazingly, no one has posted here about the Oscars – the supposed highlight of the film calendar. So I thought I’d make up for that with my Super Amazing Oscar Diary. For the purposes of your reading pleasure I’m going to undertake the arduous task of sitting through all three and a half hours to bring you my view on the proceedings. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get press access based on the “I’m going to post on some website about it”, obviously their standards are a little higher than ECTS…
Anyway, no red carpet, apparently. I’ve came in just as Steve Martin is starting his opening speech. Already he’s ten times better than Woopie Goldberg, but pretty much anyone could have managed that. An old guy brushing his teeth on stage would have been better. In fact, just an old guy standing there. Or just his tooth brush. Oh my god, Toby Maguire has just popped up in a crowd shot, sitting beside Kate Hudson looking like a small gorilla. Anyway, “Roman Polanski is here. Get him!” – F.U.N.N.Y.
Right, on with the job…
01:42, Monday 24th March 2003
Just written the above. I’m a little daunted by the task at hand; watching three and a half hours of back slapping is going to be quite a feat of endurance. SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Pah, walk in the park. Anyway, Cameron Diaz is about to do something – good start! Ermmm… but she is looking a little ropey. Animated Feature, Ice Age better win – leagues above everything else. Pity I’m struggling to remember it’s brilliance as I’ve been temporarily stunned by the awful delivery on Cameron’s jokey intro… Okay, Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
Okay, time to watch LOTR get it’s award for visual effects… think they could have knocked up something with a personality to give them the award instead of a very wooden Kenau Reeves. Hehehehe… the orchestra is playing over them winners to stop them talking. They’re just smelly, special effects geeks, what do they know?
01:50, Monday 24th March 2003
So the BBC have Monica’s dad in the studio? Was Dot Cotton otherwise occupied? Strange contrast in the crowd shots, quite a few people seemingly have decided to wear all black as a “mark of respect”, then there are little dots of colour. I predict a lot of “at times like these” comments when the big stars get up on the podium and are actually allowed to talk. Great, I’ve been looking forward to hearing the breathing props views on the war…
Best Supporting Actor, first big award on the night. I’d love it to go to the constantly brilliant John C. Riley, but can’t see it. Nope, Chris Cooper, which is a little unexpected. Awww man, close to tears, and an “in light of all the troubles in this world”. Come on!
Great tactic this - boring award, Achievement in Art Direction brightened up by Jenny Lopez presenting. And looking HOT. Anyway… Chicago, who hoo, how the hell did that win? Yuck – hugging the suspiciously thin and ill-looking Rene ZweliggwerweJGNSD on the way to the stage. Give that girl a big plate of chips, or a dress that covers all her spindly limbs. Here, John Travolta could spare her a few pounds, sort out some sort of lipo suction exchange scheme. He’s introducing a very pregnant, and singing, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Queen Latifa looks like a fatherly suspect – seriously, should that Queen be preceded by “drag” or just a rather butch woman? Glad they’re standing still, last thing I want to see is the bump giggling, both the baby and any package Latifa might be strapping down. Though there are specialised videos you can get for either of those. Different ends of the isle though… or so I’ve heard.
02:06, Monday 24th March 2003
Break, nice. Jonathan Ross has thought of something interesting. Christopher Walken possibly reacting to the name “Chris” starting the Best Actor award and then getting all disappointed. He was really an oasis of brilliance in a rather mediocre film, give him a decent film as a background and he may have had more of a chance. Or did his performance stand out more because the rest was so bad? Anyway…
This is going to get a bit long if I just keep typing for the whole three hours, need to be a little briefer.
02:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! Mickey Mouse is presenting an award! And he can’t read the word, and is trying to talk to Jack Nickelson. Who said Disney had lost their touch…
The Chub Chubs just won best animated short – is that not a lolly-pop? “It’s about the team”, yeah whatever, get off. Replaced by Jennifer “looks like a fish” Garner quoting Disraeli? Get that guy back! Ahhh she’s presenting some “minor” award., couldn’t even be bothered to say anything about it (a Miner Award would maybe be more interesting) … scrub that. One of the winners is wearing a pink suit, and the film was made by “Eminem Productions, Denmark”. Gangsta!
02:20, Monday 24th March 2003
Another actress who can’t read out loud… blah blah blah… something about costumes, another Chicago award. I’ve used all my amazing mathematical and scientific powers to find a pattern here. Hope they’re just giving them all the awards no one gives a toss about to some more disserving films can get the important ones.
Aggghhhh! They’ve used the worst scene from LOTR:TT as it’s “Best Picture” show piece clip. That horrid one where Gollum talks to himself in a really insulting, shove-it-in-your-face handling of his internal struggle. Don’t insult your audience’s intellect by s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g i-t o-u-t.
02:25, Monday 24th March 2003
Happy Birthday Jonathan Ross’ Mum.
02:30, Monday 24th March 2003
Make-up Award presented by that stupid woman from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. BORED. Hmmm, the Frida people win for making Salami Kayak (you know who I mean, but spell check is fun) look like Noel Gallagher. An Oscar for adding a little hair between the eye brows, and they’ve got a silly double act speech. Get them off.
02:34, Monday 24th March 2003
James Bond has gained a silly ruffle and some really bad trousers to present the Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Please, Julianne Moore. JULIANNE MOORE. J U L I A N N E M O O R E. Or I cry.
“Nom-in-kneeeeesh”, ha, Scottish people are funny.
Welsh people are funny too though – “Sch-von-zee”.
02:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Affleck in crowd scene – Phantom was the bomb. Kate Hudson is about to do something
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! More Rene Zwellllighegrer looking ill. Now that’s a cold shower and a half. On the stage, presenting an award, looking scary. Think Peter Jackson could have saved some cash by casting her as Gollum. Crazy Mexican guy win something to do with scoring. Well done, you got Rene off the stage. Please give her some food. Donations to be sent to the Kodak Theatre, feed those who won’t feed themselves. This woman is supposed to be considering Bridget Jones 2 for goodness sake!
2:49, Monday 24th March 2003
HUGE standing ovation for Julie Andrews sounding very British. Think everyone else was really just happy to get rid of Rene Sweligheiwer too.
02:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Some stupid bint in the BBC studio talking about how the Oscars are so important in the light of the war… okay… no disagreeing with the general “show must go on” thing, but that’s some bizarre logic. Anyway, she’s got some black cape on, looking like a rubbish super hero. People who can’t dress themselves shouldn’t be allowed to talk about current affairs on TV.
02:56, Monday 24th March 2003
More clever choices of presenters – Salami Kayak reading out the nominations for Best Foreign Language Film in broken English, and looking H-O-T. Mostly the “looking H-O-T” bit that’s so clever.
02:58, Monday 24th March 2003
Julianne Moore presenting – apwoirhgjngj nafgbpkwaOPRG HNBPJANGHPJZNFGBOPA[ORIGJ HNAJSFBNZJD NBPJSNRBDKJngbPJN SKJNGVJBSNBJNZDFPJ GBNADSJFBNJ ANFGBJNFB JKNDZJK NKCJXGBNOJZFN BKJZN ;KJNFJBNKJNK; JNDJZBN.
You know, I quite like Julianne Moore. Stuff the award – Julianne Moore for goodness sake! Priorities etc etc
And they waste perfectly good time when Julianne Moore is on the stage by showing clips of Rene Zwillghihersss in Chicago. Please, STOP PUTTING HER IN MY TV. Especially when Julianne Moore is around.
YEAH!!! Julianne is presenting more awards. Can she present them all please? Ermmm…. They can’t hear me.
03:05, Monday 24th March 2003
Song from Frida… something interesting will happen soon. Honest. Possibly something that doesn’t even involve Julianne Moore.
Lyric: “Burn this house blue” – this guy hasn’t been around many fires, has he?
03:13, Monday 24th March 2003
Just realised, Julianne Moore versus Nicole Kidman in the Best Actress category. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE?!?!? Its like “which kidney is your favourite?” I love them both, equally.
03:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Documentary Oscar – I love documentaries. It’s not the best film, but I want Michael Moore to win just to see what he says. “I HAT DA BUSH”. He’s won, result! Say something funny. F-U-N-N-Y. He’s wearing a tux, that’s pretty funny for a start. “Fictious president” go on, “fictious reasons for a war”, get in, “Shame on you Mr. Bush”. Brilliant. Heckled from the crowd, orchestra played over the end to shut him up. Fantastic. Not him being shut up, but someone putting some genuine passion into a speech to do something other than slap their own back. I’ll never understand how the guy passes himself off as a journalist or a documentary maker, but he is an entertaining fellow and that was a brave speech (not what he was saying but where he said it).
03:22, Monday 24th March 2003
Some hooker saying how great cinematography is. Just give it to Chicago and get on with it. Okay, Road to Perdition and get on with it. Maybe my theory about giving Chicago all the rubbish awards and letting real films win the important ones is coming true. Oh, it’s Conrad L. Hall who won, he did an amazing commentary on the American Beauty DVD. Can’t see him doing one for Road to Perdition, what with dying and all. Nice speech from his son.
“Every time an Oscar is given out, an Agent gets his wings” – give that dog a bone.
03:33, Monday 24th March 2003
Colin “Oirish” Farrell introduces U2. Why does Bono always have those bloody stupid glasses on? And Edge with that silly hat (and name). Maybe they’re keeping a sideline in selling unadvisable accessories open in case the music career takes a turn for the worse. With miming that bad, it’s a possibility, no one thinks you’re doing those big bellows Bono… oh yeah, must remember they can’t hear me.
03:37, Monday 24th March 2003
How can you give out an award for editing? Surely a huge part of that is making the best film out of the footage given to you – the final picture isn’t a representation of that. Okay, pacing issues, but even then, he can only work with what he’s given. Unless you sit and watch the hundreds of hours of footage shot you’ll never know how good a job he REALLY did. Some guy from England won for Chicago by the way.
03:39, Monday 24th March 2003
Who writes the speeches for the presenters? Really is the most embarrassing, pretentious drivel.
03:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Actor coming up, give it to Jack! Just because he is Jack, forget how good he was in About Schmidt, he’s the World’s Coolest Guy TM. Though Daniel Day Lewis may do another crayzee, anti-war speech, and Michael Caine always does fantastic eloquent-though-Cockney speeches.
Adrian Broody, well done for being in a film about a war. When there was a war looming. Here, but he was that crazy wants-to-be-British-guy in Summer of Sam… which was cool. And, okay, he was pretty good in the film. BUT HE’S NOT JACK. JACK WEARS SUN GLASSES INSIDE BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT COOL.
03:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Adrain Broody, please shut up.
03:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Awww, the sweet anti-war speech that gets a standing ovation. And he talked over the orchestra playing and told them to shut up. But he still ain’t Jack.
03:56, Monday 24th March 2003
Dustin Hofmann, stop being serious. Go on, do Rainman. Do Rainman!!!
04:00, Monday 24th March 2003
The real Eminem gets an Oscar to level to score with that Danish fraud… but isn’t there to pick it up. Removing all interest.
04:07, Monday 24th March 2003
Peter O’Toole – played a lot of kings, got seven nominations, won none, got a lifetime honorary award thing, did want it, didn’t want it, did, didn’t, does. The End
GETTING TIRED (as must you be if anyone has read down this far).
04:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Goodness, Gimli is actually quite posh (and in the BBC studio with Jonathan Ross).
04:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Denzel jive-talking to the Best Actress Nomination. Insides all a-squiggle, Julianne or Nicole? (at least they are all real nominations this year, none of that Halle Berry nonsense). Nicole Kidman, “by a nose”. She’s talking rubbish, but still hot-t-t. Stop talking.
04:26, Monday 24th March 2003
59 Oscar winners sitting on a stage in a pointless “we’ve been great for 75 years” thing, you’re not going to read all their names… or are they?
04:35, Monday 24th March 2003
Yes.
Edge of my seat.
04:43, Monday 24th March 2003
Adapted Screen play – come on, it’s going to be Adaptation. Or maybe The Hours. But probably Chicago. Okay, really The Pianist. Harwood, another British guy wins for writing, yay us. UK da bst 4eva.
AFLECK – the Phantom was the bomb. Original screenplay, man I’m excited. No, really, I would be if I had more energy. As long as it isn’t that stupid Greek “My Big Fat Fat Fat Belly” woman. And it isn’t. Small victories. Should have been P.T. Anderson, totally should have been. I could put my case forward far better with a few hours sleep under my belt. HELP ME. I think gangrene is setting in.
04:51, Monday 24th March 2003
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think something without also typing it. My laptop is beginning to burn my legs.
04:52, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Director presented by Indy Jones… Roman Polanski wins, BRILLIANT. He’s not there as he would be arrested, but it’s still cool. That’s, what, the fourth person not to turn up? The Golden Razzies get a better turn out AND AREN’T AS BLOODY LONG.
04:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! It’s the Douglas twins! Best picture, oh… what could that be? None of them are that great really. Chicago, shocked. Mr. Latifa is over-joyed, Rene Zweeleegiggjiger has just turned around and shown off her backless dress. AGGGGGGHHHH!!!
But at least it is all over.
THANK GOD.
Coming soon: The Making of Dr. Gonzo’s Oscar Diary: a posthumous tribu
Anyway, no red carpet, apparently. I’ve came in just as Steve Martin is starting his opening speech. Already he’s ten times better than Woopie Goldberg, but pretty much anyone could have managed that. An old guy brushing his teeth on stage would have been better. In fact, just an old guy standing there. Or just his tooth brush. Oh my god, Toby Maguire has just popped up in a crowd shot, sitting beside Kate Hudson looking like a small gorilla. Anyway, “Roman Polanski is here. Get him!” – F.U.N.N.Y.
Right, on with the job…
01:42, Monday 24th March 2003
Just written the above. I’m a little daunted by the task at hand; watching three and a half hours of back slapping is going to be quite a feat of endurance. SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Pah, walk in the park. Anyway, Cameron Diaz is about to do something – good start! Ermmm… but she is looking a little ropey. Animated Feature, Ice Age better win – leagues above everything else. Pity I’m struggling to remember it’s brilliance as I’ve been temporarily stunned by the awful delivery on Cameron’s jokey intro… Okay, Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
Okay, time to watch LOTR get it’s award for visual effects… think they could have knocked up something with a personality to give them the award instead of a very wooden Kenau Reeves. Hehehehe… the orchestra is playing over them winners to stop them talking. They’re just smelly, special effects geeks, what do they know?
01:50, Monday 24th March 2003
So the BBC have Monica’s dad in the studio? Was Dot Cotton otherwise occupied? Strange contrast in the crowd shots, quite a few people seemingly have decided to wear all black as a “mark of respect”, then there are little dots of colour. I predict a lot of “at times like these” comments when the big stars get up on the podium and are actually allowed to talk. Great, I’ve been looking forward to hearing the breathing props views on the war…
Best Supporting Actor, first big award on the night. I’d love it to go to the constantly brilliant John C. Riley, but can’t see it. Nope, Chris Cooper, which is a little unexpected. Awww man, close to tears, and an “in light of all the troubles in this world”. Come on!
Great tactic this - boring award, Achievement in Art Direction brightened up by Jenny Lopez presenting. And looking HOT. Anyway… Chicago, who hoo, how the hell did that win? Yuck – hugging the suspiciously thin and ill-looking Rene ZweliggwerweJGNSD on the way to the stage. Give that girl a big plate of chips, or a dress that covers all her spindly limbs. Here, John Travolta could spare her a few pounds, sort out some sort of lipo suction exchange scheme. He’s introducing a very pregnant, and singing, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Queen Latifa looks like a fatherly suspect – seriously, should that Queen be preceded by “drag” or just a rather butch woman? Glad they’re standing still, last thing I want to see is the bump giggling, both the baby and any package Latifa might be strapping down. Though there are specialised videos you can get for either of those. Different ends of the isle though… or so I’ve heard.
02:06, Monday 24th March 2003
Break, nice. Jonathan Ross has thought of something interesting. Christopher Walken possibly reacting to the name “Chris” starting the Best Actor award and then getting all disappointed. He was really an oasis of brilliance in a rather mediocre film, give him a decent film as a background and he may have had more of a chance. Or did his performance stand out more because the rest was so bad? Anyway…
This is going to get a bit long if I just keep typing for the whole three hours, need to be a little briefer.
02:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! Mickey Mouse is presenting an award! And he can’t read the word, and is trying to talk to Jack Nickelson. Who said Disney had lost their touch…
The Chub Chubs just won best animated short – is that not a lolly-pop? “It’s about the team”, yeah whatever, get off. Replaced by Jennifer “looks like a fish” Garner quoting Disraeli? Get that guy back! Ahhh she’s presenting some “minor” award., couldn’t even be bothered to say anything about it (a Miner Award would maybe be more interesting) … scrub that. One of the winners is wearing a pink suit, and the film was made by “Eminem Productions, Denmark”. Gangsta!
02:20, Monday 24th March 2003
Another actress who can’t read out loud… blah blah blah… something about costumes, another Chicago award. I’ve used all my amazing mathematical and scientific powers to find a pattern here. Hope they’re just giving them all the awards no one gives a toss about to some more disserving films can get the important ones.
Aggghhhh! They’ve used the worst scene from LOTR:TT as it’s “Best Picture” show piece clip. That horrid one where Gollum talks to himself in a really insulting, shove-it-in-your-face handling of his internal struggle. Don’t insult your audience’s intellect by s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g i-t o-u-t.
02:25, Monday 24th March 2003
Happy Birthday Jonathan Ross’ Mum.
02:30, Monday 24th March 2003
Make-up Award presented by that stupid woman from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. BORED. Hmmm, the Frida people win for making Salami Kayak (you know who I mean, but spell check is fun) look like Noel Gallagher. An Oscar for adding a little hair between the eye brows, and they’ve got a silly double act speech. Get them off.
02:34, Monday 24th March 2003
James Bond has gained a silly ruffle and some really bad trousers to present the Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Please, Julianne Moore. JULIANNE MOORE. J U L I A N N E M O O R E. Or I cry.
“Nom-in-kneeeeesh”, ha, Scottish people are funny.
Welsh people are funny too though – “Sch-von-zee”.
02:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Affleck in crowd scene – Phantom was the bomb. Kate Hudson is about to do something
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! More Rene Zwellllighegrer looking ill. Now that’s a cold shower and a half. On the stage, presenting an award, looking scary. Think Peter Jackson could have saved some cash by casting her as Gollum. Crazy Mexican guy win something to do with scoring. Well done, you got Rene off the stage. Please give her some food. Donations to be sent to the Kodak Theatre, feed those who won’t feed themselves. This woman is supposed to be considering Bridget Jones 2 for goodness sake!
2:49, Monday 24th March 2003
HUGE standing ovation for Julie Andrews sounding very British. Think everyone else was really just happy to get rid of Rene Sweligheiwer too.
02:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Some stupid bint in the BBC studio talking about how the Oscars are so important in the light of the war… okay… no disagreeing with the general “show must go on” thing, but that’s some bizarre logic. Anyway, she’s got some black cape on, looking like a rubbish super hero. People who can’t dress themselves shouldn’t be allowed to talk about current affairs on TV.
02:56, Monday 24th March 2003
More clever choices of presenters – Salami Kayak reading out the nominations for Best Foreign Language Film in broken English, and looking H-O-T. Mostly the “looking H-O-T” bit that’s so clever.
02:58, Monday 24th March 2003
Julianne Moore presenting – apwoirhgjngj nafgbpkwaOPRG HNBPJANGHPJZNFGBOPA[ORIGJ HNAJSFBNZJD NBPJSNRBDKJngbPJN SKJNGVJBSNBJNZDFPJ GBNADSJFBNJ ANFGBJNFB JKNDZJK NKCJXGBNOJZFN BKJZN ;KJNFJBNKJNK; JNDJZBN.
You know, I quite like Julianne Moore. Stuff the award – Julianne Moore for goodness sake! Priorities etc etc
And they waste perfectly good time when Julianne Moore is on the stage by showing clips of Rene Zwillghihersss in Chicago. Please, STOP PUTTING HER IN MY TV. Especially when Julianne Moore is around.
YEAH!!! Julianne is presenting more awards. Can she present them all please? Ermmm…. They can’t hear me.
03:05, Monday 24th March 2003
Song from Frida… something interesting will happen soon. Honest. Possibly something that doesn’t even involve Julianne Moore.
Lyric: “Burn this house blue” – this guy hasn’t been around many fires, has he?
03:13, Monday 24th March 2003
Just realised, Julianne Moore versus Nicole Kidman in the Best Actress category. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE?!?!? Its like “which kidney is your favourite?” I love them both, equally.
03:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Documentary Oscar – I love documentaries. It’s not the best film, but I want Michael Moore to win just to see what he says. “I HAT DA BUSH”. He’s won, result! Say something funny. F-U-N-N-Y. He’s wearing a tux, that’s pretty funny for a start. “Fictious president” go on, “fictious reasons for a war”, get in, “Shame on you Mr. Bush”. Brilliant. Heckled from the crowd, orchestra played over the end to shut him up. Fantastic. Not him being shut up, but someone putting some genuine passion into a speech to do something other than slap their own back. I’ll never understand how the guy passes himself off as a journalist or a documentary maker, but he is an entertaining fellow and that was a brave speech (not what he was saying but where he said it).
03:22, Monday 24th March 2003
Some hooker saying how great cinematography is. Just give it to Chicago and get on with it. Okay, Road to Perdition and get on with it. Maybe my theory about giving Chicago all the rubbish awards and letting real films win the important ones is coming true. Oh, it’s Conrad L. Hall who won, he did an amazing commentary on the American Beauty DVD. Can’t see him doing one for Road to Perdition, what with dying and all. Nice speech from his son.
“Every time an Oscar is given out, an Agent gets his wings” – give that dog a bone.
03:33, Monday 24th March 2003
Colin “Oirish” Farrell introduces U2. Why does Bono always have those bloody stupid glasses on? And Edge with that silly hat (and name). Maybe they’re keeping a sideline in selling unadvisable accessories open in case the music career takes a turn for the worse. With miming that bad, it’s a possibility, no one thinks you’re doing those big bellows Bono… oh yeah, must remember they can’t hear me.
03:37, Monday 24th March 2003
How can you give out an award for editing? Surely a huge part of that is making the best film out of the footage given to you – the final picture isn’t a representation of that. Okay, pacing issues, but even then, he can only work with what he’s given. Unless you sit and watch the hundreds of hours of footage shot you’ll never know how good a job he REALLY did. Some guy from England won for Chicago by the way.
03:39, Monday 24th March 2003
Who writes the speeches for the presenters? Really is the most embarrassing, pretentious drivel.
03:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Actor coming up, give it to Jack! Just because he is Jack, forget how good he was in About Schmidt, he’s the World’s Coolest Guy TM. Though Daniel Day Lewis may do another crayzee, anti-war speech, and Michael Caine always does fantastic eloquent-though-Cockney speeches.
Adrian Broody, well done for being in a film about a war. When there was a war looming. Here, but he was that crazy wants-to-be-British-guy in Summer of Sam… which was cool. And, okay, he was pretty good in the film. BUT HE’S NOT JACK. JACK WEARS SUN GLASSES INSIDE BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT COOL.
03:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Adrain Broody, please shut up.
03:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Awww, the sweet anti-war speech that gets a standing ovation. And he talked over the orchestra playing and told them to shut up. But he still ain’t Jack.
03:56, Monday 24th March 2003
Dustin Hofmann, stop being serious. Go on, do Rainman. Do Rainman!!!
04:00, Monday 24th March 2003
The real Eminem gets an Oscar to level to score with that Danish fraud… but isn’t there to pick it up. Removing all interest.
04:07, Monday 24th March 2003
Peter O’Toole – played a lot of kings, got seven nominations, won none, got a lifetime honorary award thing, did want it, didn’t want it, did, didn’t, does. The End
GETTING TIRED (as must you be if anyone has read down this far).
04:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Goodness, Gimli is actually quite posh (and in the BBC studio with Jonathan Ross).
04:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Denzel jive-talking to the Best Actress Nomination. Insides all a-squiggle, Julianne or Nicole? (at least they are all real nominations this year, none of that Halle Berry nonsense). Nicole Kidman, “by a nose”. She’s talking rubbish, but still hot-t-t. Stop talking.
04:26, Monday 24th March 2003
59 Oscar winners sitting on a stage in a pointless “we’ve been great for 75 years” thing, you’re not going to read all their names… or are they?
04:35, Monday 24th March 2003
Yes.
Edge of my seat.
04:43, Monday 24th March 2003
Adapted Screen play – come on, it’s going to be Adaptation. Or maybe The Hours. But probably Chicago. Okay, really The Pianist. Harwood, another British guy wins for writing, yay us. UK da bst 4eva.
AFLECK – the Phantom was the bomb. Original screenplay, man I’m excited. No, really, I would be if I had more energy. As long as it isn’t that stupid Greek “My Big Fat Fat Fat Belly” woman. And it isn’t. Small victories. Should have been P.T. Anderson, totally should have been. I could put my case forward far better with a few hours sleep under my belt. HELP ME. I think gangrene is setting in.
04:51, Monday 24th March 2003
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think something without also typing it. My laptop is beginning to burn my legs.
04:52, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Director presented by Indy Jones… Roman Polanski wins, BRILLIANT. He’s not there as he would be arrested, but it’s still cool. That’s, what, the fourth person not to turn up? The Golden Razzies get a better turn out AND AREN’T AS BLOODY LONG.
04:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! It’s the Douglas twins! Best picture, oh… what could that be? None of them are that great really. Chicago, shocked. Mr. Latifa is over-joyed, Rene Zweeleegiggjiger has just turned around and shown off her backless dress. AGGGGGGHHHH!!!
But at least it is all over.
THANK GOD.
Coming soon: The Making of Dr. Gonzo’s Oscar Diary: a posthumous tribu
A quite brilliant rundown there. After watching the highlights I was pleasently suprised by the wins of Brodie and Polanski. Overall a much better Oscars than last year. I did not expect The Two Towers to do well, but didn't particulary mind considering it looks like the trilogy will be 'rewarded' by giving the best picture and director awards to ROTK. This apparently has pretty much been the plan from the Academy from the start, and expains why FOTR also did not reap the main awards last year.
Dr Gonzo wrote:
> Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
You should watch it, it's great (comes out on dvd in the US on 15th April). As for collecting the award, it wasn't a case of "not being bothered", the films creator in chief, Hayao Miyazaki, didn't really feel like celebrating as his hand written statement read, "It is regrettable that I cannot rejoice from my heart over the prize because of the deeply sad events taking place in the world."
That and him being in Japan I guess.
I suppose it would have been better if someone did actually go and collect the award though.
> Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
You should watch it, it's great (comes out on dvd in the US on 15th April). As for collecting the award, it wasn't a case of "not being bothered", the films creator in chief, Hayao Miyazaki, didn't really feel like celebrating as his hand written statement read, "It is regrettable that I cannot rejoice from my heart over the prize because of the deeply sad events taking place in the world."
That and him being in Japan I guess.
I suppose it would have been better if someone did actually go and collect the award though.
michael moore is god....
Just seen this. Yes, it was an...odd ceremony this year. I've written a bit about the Oscars in the life forum, but mostly focusing on the war speeches part. Personally I would have brought along a large folded sheet with the words on it for when the orchestra started up.
Interesting run down, better than watching the real thing. Julianne Moore fan eh??
Excellent, I like the fact you were so tired you couldn't even finish typing the last word.
Amazingly, no one has posted here about the Oscars – the supposed highlight of the film calendar. So I thought I’d make up for that with my Super Amazing Oscar Diary. For the purposes of your reading pleasure I’m going to undertake the arduous task of sitting through all three and a half hours to bring you my view on the proceedings. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get press access based on the “I’m going to post on some website about it”, obviously their standards are a little higher than ECTS…
Anyway, no red carpet, apparently. I’ve came in just as Steve Martin is starting his opening speech. Already he’s ten times better than Woopie Goldberg, but pretty much anyone could have managed that. An old guy brushing his teeth on stage would have been better. In fact, just an old guy standing there. Or just his tooth brush. Oh my god, Toby Maguire has just popped up in a crowd shot, sitting beside Kate Hudson looking like a small gorilla. Anyway, “Roman Polanski is here. Get him!” – F.U.N.N.Y.
Right, on with the job…
01:42, Monday 24th March 2003
Just written the above. I’m a little daunted by the task at hand; watching three and a half hours of back slapping is going to be quite a feat of endurance. SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Pah, walk in the park. Anyway, Cameron Diaz is about to do something – good start! Ermmm… but she is looking a little ropey. Animated Feature, Ice Age better win – leagues above everything else. Pity I’m struggling to remember it’s brilliance as I’ve been temporarily stunned by the awful delivery on Cameron’s jokey intro… Okay, Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
Okay, time to watch LOTR get it’s award for visual effects… think they could have knocked up something with a personality to give them the award instead of a very wooden Kenau Reeves. Hehehehe… the orchestra is playing over them winners to stop them talking. They’re just smelly, special effects geeks, what do they know?
01:50, Monday 24th March 2003
So the BBC have Monica’s dad in the studio? Was Dot Cotton otherwise occupied? Strange contrast in the crowd shots, quite a few people seemingly have decided to wear all black as a “mark of respect”, then there are little dots of colour. I predict a lot of “at times like these” comments when the big stars get up on the podium and are actually allowed to talk. Great, I’ve been looking forward to hearing the breathing props views on the war…
Best Supporting Actor, first big award on the night. I’d love it to go to the constantly brilliant John C. Riley, but can’t see it. Nope, Chris Cooper, which is a little unexpected. Awww man, close to tears, and an “in light of all the troubles in this world”. Come on!
Great tactic this - boring award, Achievement in Art Direction brightened up by Jenny Lopez presenting. And looking HOT. Anyway… Chicago, who hoo, how the hell did that win? Yuck – hugging the suspiciously thin and ill-looking Rene ZweliggwerweJGNSD on the way to the stage. Give that girl a big plate of chips, or a dress that covers all her spindly limbs. Here, John Travolta could spare her a few pounds, sort out some sort of lipo suction exchange scheme. He’s introducing a very pregnant, and singing, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Queen Latifa looks like a fatherly suspect – seriously, should that Queen be preceded by “drag” or just a rather butch woman? Glad they’re standing still, last thing I want to see is the bump giggling, both the baby and any package Latifa might be strapping down. Though there are specialised videos you can get for either of those. Different ends of the isle though… or so I’ve heard.
02:06, Monday 24th March 2003
Break, nice. Jonathan Ross has thought of something interesting. Christopher Walken possibly reacting to the name “Chris” starting the Best Actor award and then getting all disappointed. He was really an oasis of brilliance in a rather mediocre film, give him a decent film as a background and he may have had more of a chance. Or did his performance stand out more because the rest was so bad? Anyway…
This is going to get a bit long if I just keep typing for the whole three hours, need to be a little briefer.
02:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! Mickey Mouse is presenting an award! And he can’t read the word, and is trying to talk to Jack Nickelson. Who said Disney had lost their touch…
The Chub Chubs just won best animated short – is that not a lolly-pop? “It’s about the team”, yeah whatever, get off. Replaced by Jennifer “looks like a fish” Garner quoting Disraeli? Get that guy back! Ahhh she’s presenting some “minor” award., couldn’t even be bothered to say anything about it (a Miner Award would maybe be more interesting) … scrub that. One of the winners is wearing a pink suit, and the film was made by “Eminem Productions, Denmark”. Gangsta!
02:20, Monday 24th March 2003
Another actress who can’t read out loud… blah blah blah… something about costumes, another Chicago award. I’ve used all my amazing mathematical and scientific powers to find a pattern here. Hope they’re just giving them all the awards no one gives a toss about to some more disserving films can get the important ones.
Aggghhhh! They’ve used the worst scene from LOTR:TT as it’s “Best Picture” show piece clip. That horrid one where Gollum talks to himself in a really insulting, shove-it-in-your-face handling of his internal struggle. Don’t insult your audience’s intellect by s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g i-t o-u-t.
02:25, Monday 24th March 2003
Happy Birthday Jonathan Ross’ Mum.
02:30, Monday 24th March 2003
Make-up Award presented by that stupid woman from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. BORED. Hmmm, the Frida people win for making Salami Kayak (you know who I mean, but spell check is fun) look like Noel Gallagher. An Oscar for adding a little hair between the eye brows, and they’ve got a silly double act speech. Get them off.
02:34, Monday 24th March 2003
James Bond has gained a silly ruffle and some really bad trousers to present the Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Please, Julianne Moore. JULIANNE MOORE. J U L I A N N E M O O R E. Or I cry.
“Nom-in-kneeeeesh”, ha, Scottish people are funny.
Welsh people are funny too though – “Sch-von-zee”.
02:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Affleck in crowd scene – Phantom was the bomb. Kate Hudson is about to do something
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! More Rene Zwellllighegrer looking ill. Now that’s a cold shower and a half. On the stage, presenting an award, looking scary. Think Peter Jackson could have saved some cash by casting her as Gollum. Crazy Mexican guy win something to do with scoring. Well done, you got Rene off the stage. Please give her some food. Donations to be sent to the Kodak Theatre, feed those who won’t feed themselves. This woman is supposed to be considering Bridget Jones 2 for goodness sake!
2:49, Monday 24th March 2003
HUGE standing ovation for Julie Andrews sounding very British. Think everyone else was really just happy to get rid of Rene Sweligheiwer too.
02:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Some stupid bint in the BBC studio talking about how the Oscars are so important in the light of the war… okay… no disagreeing with the general “show must go on” thing, but that’s some bizarre logic. Anyway, she’s got some black cape on, looking like a rubbish super hero. People who can’t dress themselves shouldn’t be allowed to talk about current affairs on TV.
02:56, Monday 24th March 2003
More clever choices of presenters – Salami Kayak reading out the nominations for Best Foreign Language Film in broken English, and looking H-O-T. Mostly the “looking H-O-T” bit that’s so clever.
02:58, Monday 24th March 2003
Julianne Moore presenting – apwoirhgjngj nafgbpkwaOPRG HNBPJANGHPJZNFGBOPA[ORIGJ HNAJSFBNZJD NBPJSNRBDKJngbPJN SKJNGVJBSNBJNZDFPJ GBNADSJFBNJ ANFGBJNFB JKNDZJK NKCJXGBNOJZFN BKJZN ;KJNFJBNKJNK; JNDJZBN.
You know, I quite like Julianne Moore. Stuff the award – Julianne Moore for goodness sake! Priorities etc etc
And they waste perfectly good time when Julianne Moore is on the stage by showing clips of Rene Zwillghihersss in Chicago. Please, STOP PUTTING HER IN MY TV. Especially when Julianne Moore is around.
YEAH!!! Julianne is presenting more awards. Can she present them all please? Ermmm…. They can’t hear me.
03:05, Monday 24th March 2003
Song from Frida… something interesting will happen soon. Honest. Possibly something that doesn’t even involve Julianne Moore.
Lyric: “Burn this house blue” – this guy hasn’t been around many fires, has he?
03:13, Monday 24th March 2003
Just realised, Julianne Moore versus Nicole Kidman in the Best Actress category. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE?!?!? Its like “which kidney is your favourite?” I love them both, equally.
03:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Documentary Oscar – I love documentaries. It’s not the best film, but I want Michael Moore to win just to see what he says. “I HAT DA BUSH”. He’s won, result! Say something funny. F-U-N-N-Y. He’s wearing a tux, that’s pretty funny for a start. “Fictious president” go on, “fictious reasons for a war”, get in, “Shame on you Mr. Bush”. Brilliant. Heckled from the crowd, orchestra played over the end to shut him up. Fantastic. Not him being shut up, but someone putting some genuine passion into a speech to do something other than slap their own back. I’ll never understand how the guy passes himself off as a journalist or a documentary maker, but he is an entertaining fellow and that was a brave speech (not what he was saying but where he said it).
03:22, Monday 24th March 2003
Some hooker saying how great cinematography is. Just give it to Chicago and get on with it. Okay, Road to Perdition and get on with it. Maybe my theory about giving Chicago all the rubbish awards and letting real films win the important ones is coming true. Oh, it’s Conrad L. Hall who won, he did an amazing commentary on the American Beauty DVD. Can’t see him doing one for Road to Perdition, what with dying and all. Nice speech from his son.
“Every time an Oscar is given out, an Agent gets his wings” – give that dog a bone.
03:33, Monday 24th March 2003
Colin “Oirish” Farrell introduces U2. Why does Bono always have those bloody stupid glasses on? And Edge with that silly hat (and name). Maybe they’re keeping a sideline in selling unadvisable accessories open in case the music career takes a turn for the worse. With miming that bad, it’s a possibility, no one thinks you’re doing those big bellows Bono… oh yeah, must remember they can’t hear me.
03:37, Monday 24th March 2003
How can you give out an award for editing? Surely a huge part of that is making the best film out of the footage given to you – the final picture isn’t a representation of that. Okay, pacing issues, but even then, he can only work with what he’s given. Unless you sit and watch the hundreds of hours of footage shot you’ll never know how good a job he REALLY did. Some guy from England won for Chicago by the way.
03:39, Monday 24th March 2003
Who writes the speeches for the presenters? Really is the most embarrassing, pretentious drivel.
03:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Actor coming up, give it to Jack! Just because he is Jack, forget how good he was in About Schmidt, he’s the World’s Coolest Guy TM. Though Daniel Day Lewis may do another crayzee, anti-war speech, and Michael Caine always does fantastic eloquent-though-Cockney speeches.
Adrian Broody, well done for being in a film about a war. When there was a war looming. Here, but he was that crazy wants-to-be-British-guy in Summer of Sam… which was cool. And, okay, he was pretty good in the film. BUT HE’S NOT JACK. JACK WEARS SUN GLASSES INSIDE BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT COOL.
03:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Adrain Broody, please shut up.
03:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Awww, the sweet anti-war speech that gets a standing ovation. And he talked over the orchestra playing and told them to shut up. But he still ain’t Jack.
03:56, Monday 24th March 2003
Dustin Hofmann, stop being serious. Go on, do Rainman. Do Rainman!!!
04:00, Monday 24th March 2003
The real Eminem gets an Oscar to level to score with that Danish fraud… but isn’t there to pick it up. Removing all interest.
04:07, Monday 24th March 2003
Peter O’Toole – played a lot of kings, got seven nominations, won none, got a lifetime honorary award thing, did want it, didn’t want it, did, didn’t, does. The End
GETTING TIRED (as must you be if anyone has read down this far).
04:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Goodness, Gimli is actually quite posh (and in the BBC studio with Jonathan Ross).
04:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Denzel jive-talking to the Best Actress Nomination. Insides all a-squiggle, Julianne or Nicole? (at least they are all real nominations this year, none of that Halle Berry nonsense). Nicole Kidman, “by a nose”. She’s talking rubbish, but still hot-t-t. Stop talking.
04:26, Monday 24th March 2003
59 Oscar winners sitting on a stage in a pointless “we’ve been great for 75 years” thing, you’re not going to read all their names… or are they?
04:35, Monday 24th March 2003
Yes.
Edge of my seat.
04:43, Monday 24th March 2003
Adapted Screen play – come on, it’s going to be Adaptation. Or maybe The Hours. But probably Chicago. Okay, really The Pianist. Harwood, another British guy wins for writing, yay us. UK da bst 4eva.
AFLECK – the Phantom was the bomb. Original screenplay, man I’m excited. No, really, I would be if I had more energy. As long as it isn’t that stupid Greek “My Big Fat Fat Fat Belly” woman. And it isn’t. Small victories. Should have been P.T. Anderson, totally should have been. I could put my case forward far better with a few hours sleep under my belt. HELP ME. I think gangrene is setting in.
04:51, Monday 24th March 2003
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think something without also typing it. My laptop is beginning to burn my legs.
04:52, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Director presented by Indy Jones… Roman Polanski wins, BRILLIANT. He’s not there as he would be arrested, but it’s still cool. That’s, what, the fourth person not to turn up? The Golden Razzies get a better turn out AND AREN’T AS BLOODY LONG.
04:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! It’s the Douglas twins! Best picture, oh… what could that be? None of them are that great really. Chicago, shocked. Mr. Latifa is over-joyed, Rene Zweeleegiggjiger has just turned around and shown off her backless dress. AGGGGGGHHHH!!!
But at least it is all over.
THANK GOD.
Coming soon: The Making of Dr. Gonzo’s Oscar Diary: a posthumous tribu
Anyway, no red carpet, apparently. I’ve came in just as Steve Martin is starting his opening speech. Already he’s ten times better than Woopie Goldberg, but pretty much anyone could have managed that. An old guy brushing his teeth on stage would have been better. In fact, just an old guy standing there. Or just his tooth brush. Oh my god, Toby Maguire has just popped up in a crowd shot, sitting beside Kate Hudson looking like a small gorilla. Anyway, “Roman Polanski is here. Get him!” – F.U.N.N.Y.
Right, on with the job…
01:42, Monday 24th March 2003
Just written the above. I’m a little daunted by the task at hand; watching three and a half hours of back slapping is going to be quite a feat of endurance. SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Pah, walk in the park. Anyway, Cameron Diaz is about to do something – good start! Ermmm… but she is looking a little ropey. Animated Feature, Ice Age better win – leagues above everything else. Pity I’m struggling to remember it’s brilliance as I’ve been temporarily stunned by the awful delivery on Cameron’s jokey intro… Okay, Spirited Away wins (which I haven’t seen), and no one is there is pick up the award. Good start that, an actress who can’t read out loud very well plus a winner who couldn’t be bothered to pick up his award.
Okay, time to watch LOTR get it’s award for visual effects… think they could have knocked up something with a personality to give them the award instead of a very wooden Kenau Reeves. Hehehehe… the orchestra is playing over them winners to stop them talking. They’re just smelly, special effects geeks, what do they know?
01:50, Monday 24th March 2003
So the BBC have Monica’s dad in the studio? Was Dot Cotton otherwise occupied? Strange contrast in the crowd shots, quite a few people seemingly have decided to wear all black as a “mark of respect”, then there are little dots of colour. I predict a lot of “at times like these” comments when the big stars get up on the podium and are actually allowed to talk. Great, I’ve been looking forward to hearing the breathing props views on the war…
Best Supporting Actor, first big award on the night. I’d love it to go to the constantly brilliant John C. Riley, but can’t see it. Nope, Chris Cooper, which is a little unexpected. Awww man, close to tears, and an “in light of all the troubles in this world”. Come on!
Great tactic this - boring award, Achievement in Art Direction brightened up by Jenny Lopez presenting. And looking HOT. Anyway… Chicago, who hoo, how the hell did that win? Yuck – hugging the suspiciously thin and ill-looking Rene ZweliggwerweJGNSD on the way to the stage. Give that girl a big plate of chips, or a dress that covers all her spindly limbs. Here, John Travolta could spare her a few pounds, sort out some sort of lipo suction exchange scheme. He’s introducing a very pregnant, and singing, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Queen Latifa looks like a fatherly suspect – seriously, should that Queen be preceded by “drag” or just a rather butch woman? Glad they’re standing still, last thing I want to see is the bump giggling, both the baby and any package Latifa might be strapping down. Though there are specialised videos you can get for either of those. Different ends of the isle though… or so I’ve heard.
02:06, Monday 24th March 2003
Break, nice. Jonathan Ross has thought of something interesting. Christopher Walken possibly reacting to the name “Chris” starting the Best Actor award and then getting all disappointed. He was really an oasis of brilliance in a rather mediocre film, give him a decent film as a background and he may have had more of a chance. Or did his performance stand out more because the rest was so bad? Anyway…
This is going to get a bit long if I just keep typing for the whole three hours, need to be a little briefer.
02:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! Mickey Mouse is presenting an award! And he can’t read the word, and is trying to talk to Jack Nickelson. Who said Disney had lost their touch…
The Chub Chubs just won best animated short – is that not a lolly-pop? “It’s about the team”, yeah whatever, get off. Replaced by Jennifer “looks like a fish” Garner quoting Disraeli? Get that guy back! Ahhh she’s presenting some “minor” award., couldn’t even be bothered to say anything about it (a Miner Award would maybe be more interesting) … scrub that. One of the winners is wearing a pink suit, and the film was made by “Eminem Productions, Denmark”. Gangsta!
02:20, Monday 24th March 2003
Another actress who can’t read out loud… blah blah blah… something about costumes, another Chicago award. I’ve used all my amazing mathematical and scientific powers to find a pattern here. Hope they’re just giving them all the awards no one gives a toss about to some more disserving films can get the important ones.
Aggghhhh! They’ve used the worst scene from LOTR:TT as it’s “Best Picture” show piece clip. That horrid one where Gollum talks to himself in a really insulting, shove-it-in-your-face handling of his internal struggle. Don’t insult your audience’s intellect by s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g i-t o-u-t.
02:25, Monday 24th March 2003
Happy Birthday Jonathan Ross’ Mum.
02:30, Monday 24th March 2003
Make-up Award presented by that stupid woman from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. BORED. Hmmm, the Frida people win for making Salami Kayak (you know who I mean, but spell check is fun) look like Noel Gallagher. An Oscar for adding a little hair between the eye brows, and they’ve got a silly double act speech. Get them off.
02:34, Monday 24th March 2003
James Bond has gained a silly ruffle and some really bad trousers to present the Best Actress in a Supporting Role. Please, Julianne Moore. JULIANNE MOORE. J U L I A N N E M O O R E. Or I cry.
“Nom-in-kneeeeesh”, ha, Scottish people are funny.
Welsh people are funny too though – “Sch-von-zee”.
02:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Affleck in crowd scene – Phantom was the bomb. Kate Hudson is about to do something
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! More Rene Zwellllighegrer looking ill. Now that’s a cold shower and a half. On the stage, presenting an award, looking scary. Think Peter Jackson could have saved some cash by casting her as Gollum. Crazy Mexican guy win something to do with scoring. Well done, you got Rene off the stage. Please give her some food. Donations to be sent to the Kodak Theatre, feed those who won’t feed themselves. This woman is supposed to be considering Bridget Jones 2 for goodness sake!
2:49, Monday 24th March 2003
HUGE standing ovation for Julie Andrews sounding very British. Think everyone else was really just happy to get rid of Rene Sweligheiwer too.
02:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Some stupid bint in the BBC studio talking about how the Oscars are so important in the light of the war… okay… no disagreeing with the general “show must go on” thing, but that’s some bizarre logic. Anyway, she’s got some black cape on, looking like a rubbish super hero. People who can’t dress themselves shouldn’t be allowed to talk about current affairs on TV.
02:56, Monday 24th March 2003
More clever choices of presenters – Salami Kayak reading out the nominations for Best Foreign Language Film in broken English, and looking H-O-T. Mostly the “looking H-O-T” bit that’s so clever.
02:58, Monday 24th March 2003
Julianne Moore presenting – apwoirhgjngj nafgbpkwaOPRG HNBPJANGHPJZNFGBOPA[ORIGJ HNAJSFBNZJD NBPJSNRBDKJngbPJN SKJNGVJBSNBJNZDFPJ GBNADSJFBNJ ANFGBJNFB JKNDZJK NKCJXGBNOJZFN BKJZN ;KJNFJBNKJNK; JNDJZBN.
You know, I quite like Julianne Moore. Stuff the award – Julianne Moore for goodness sake! Priorities etc etc
And they waste perfectly good time when Julianne Moore is on the stage by showing clips of Rene Zwillghihersss in Chicago. Please, STOP PUTTING HER IN MY TV. Especially when Julianne Moore is around.
YEAH!!! Julianne is presenting more awards. Can she present them all please? Ermmm…. They can’t hear me.
03:05, Monday 24th March 2003
Song from Frida… something interesting will happen soon. Honest. Possibly something that doesn’t even involve Julianne Moore.
Lyric: “Burn this house blue” – this guy hasn’t been around many fires, has he?
03:13, Monday 24th March 2003
Just realised, Julianne Moore versus Nicole Kidman in the Best Actress category. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CHOOSE?!?!? Its like “which kidney is your favourite?” I love them both, equally.
03:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Documentary Oscar – I love documentaries. It’s not the best film, but I want Michael Moore to win just to see what he says. “I HAT DA BUSH”. He’s won, result! Say something funny. F-U-N-N-Y. He’s wearing a tux, that’s pretty funny for a start. “Fictious president” go on, “fictious reasons for a war”, get in, “Shame on you Mr. Bush”. Brilliant. Heckled from the crowd, orchestra played over the end to shut him up. Fantastic. Not him being shut up, but someone putting some genuine passion into a speech to do something other than slap their own back. I’ll never understand how the guy passes himself off as a journalist or a documentary maker, but he is an entertaining fellow and that was a brave speech (not what he was saying but where he said it).
03:22, Monday 24th March 2003
Some hooker saying how great cinematography is. Just give it to Chicago and get on with it. Okay, Road to Perdition and get on with it. Maybe my theory about giving Chicago all the rubbish awards and letting real films win the important ones is coming true. Oh, it’s Conrad L. Hall who won, he did an amazing commentary on the American Beauty DVD. Can’t see him doing one for Road to Perdition, what with dying and all. Nice speech from his son.
“Every time an Oscar is given out, an Agent gets his wings” – give that dog a bone.
03:33, Monday 24th March 2003
Colin “Oirish” Farrell introduces U2. Why does Bono always have those bloody stupid glasses on? And Edge with that silly hat (and name). Maybe they’re keeping a sideline in selling unadvisable accessories open in case the music career takes a turn for the worse. With miming that bad, it’s a possibility, no one thinks you’re doing those big bellows Bono… oh yeah, must remember they can’t hear me.
03:37, Monday 24th March 2003
How can you give out an award for editing? Surely a huge part of that is making the best film out of the footage given to you – the final picture isn’t a representation of that. Okay, pacing issues, but even then, he can only work with what he’s given. Unless you sit and watch the hundreds of hours of footage shot you’ll never know how good a job he REALLY did. Some guy from England won for Chicago by the way.
03:39, Monday 24th March 2003
Who writes the speeches for the presenters? Really is the most embarrassing, pretentious drivel.
03:44, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Actor coming up, give it to Jack! Just because he is Jack, forget how good he was in About Schmidt, he’s the World’s Coolest Guy TM. Though Daniel Day Lewis may do another crayzee, anti-war speech, and Michael Caine always does fantastic eloquent-though-Cockney speeches.
Adrian Broody, well done for being in a film about a war. When there was a war looming. Here, but he was that crazy wants-to-be-British-guy in Summer of Sam… which was cool. And, okay, he was pretty good in the film. BUT HE’S NOT JACK. JACK WEARS SUN GLASSES INSIDE BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT COOL.
03:53, Monday 24th March 2003
Adrain Broody, please shut up.
03:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Awww, the sweet anti-war speech that gets a standing ovation. And he talked over the orchestra playing and told them to shut up. But he still ain’t Jack.
03:56, Monday 24th March 2003
Dustin Hofmann, stop being serious. Go on, do Rainman. Do Rainman!!!
04:00, Monday 24th March 2003
The real Eminem gets an Oscar to level to score with that Danish fraud… but isn’t there to pick it up. Removing all interest.
04:07, Monday 24th March 2003
Peter O’Toole – played a lot of kings, got seven nominations, won none, got a lifetime honorary award thing, did want it, didn’t want it, did, didn’t, does. The End
GETTING TIRED (as must you be if anyone has read down this far).
04:12, Monday 24th March 2003
Goodness, Gimli is actually quite posh (and in the BBC studio with Jonathan Ross).
04:15, Monday 24th March 2003
Denzel jive-talking to the Best Actress Nomination. Insides all a-squiggle, Julianne or Nicole? (at least they are all real nominations this year, none of that Halle Berry nonsense). Nicole Kidman, “by a nose”. She’s talking rubbish, but still hot-t-t. Stop talking.
04:26, Monday 24th March 2003
59 Oscar winners sitting on a stage in a pointless “we’ve been great for 75 years” thing, you’re not going to read all their names… or are they?
04:35, Monday 24th March 2003
Yes.
Edge of my seat.
04:43, Monday 24th March 2003
Adapted Screen play – come on, it’s going to be Adaptation. Or maybe The Hours. But probably Chicago. Okay, really The Pianist. Harwood, another British guy wins for writing, yay us. UK da bst 4eva.
AFLECK – the Phantom was the bomb. Original screenplay, man I’m excited. No, really, I would be if I had more energy. As long as it isn’t that stupid Greek “My Big Fat Fat Fat Belly” woman. And it isn’t. Small victories. Should have been P.T. Anderson, totally should have been. I could put my case forward far better with a few hours sleep under my belt. HELP ME. I think gangrene is setting in.
04:51, Monday 24th March 2003
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to think something without also typing it. My laptop is beginning to burn my legs.
04:52, Monday 24th March 2003
Best Director presented by Indy Jones… Roman Polanski wins, BRILLIANT. He’s not there as he would be arrested, but it’s still cool. That’s, what, the fourth person not to turn up? The Golden Razzies get a better turn out AND AREN’T AS BLOODY LONG.
04:55, Monday 24th March 2003
Woah! It’s the Douglas twins! Best picture, oh… what could that be? None of them are that great really. Chicago, shocked. Mr. Latifa is over-joyed, Rene Zweeleegiggjiger has just turned around and shown off her backless dress. AGGGGGGHHHH!!!
But at least it is all over.
THANK GOD.
Coming soon: The Making of Dr. Gonzo’s Oscar Diary: a posthumous tribu