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"Mental Self-harm"

I've never physically self harmed myself, but I self harm myself mentally a hell of a lot of the time.

I'm not sure why I do it, so I can't really tell you. But I beat myself up, spend half my life worrying over wherever or not I'm good enough for anything or anyone. I find myself doing things to me not because they release pain at the time, but so I have to live with that fact.

It's hard to explain. But I'm going to give it my best shot.

Simply, I do things to give myself pain. I am addicted to making myself feel bad, and I can't say why. I've done many things which I don't really want to talk about and I regret terribly, and that's exactly the reason why I did them in the first place. At the time I felt so pathetic, so utterly disgusting, and I felt I needed to punish myself somehow. So I did things to hurt other people or things that I know people would call me a monster or disgusting and hate me forever if I they knew about it. So, instead of giving myself a small amount of pain at that time, I'd give myself a lifetime of pain that I'd have to live with all on my own.

It's how I deal with pain. I blame myself, I blame all that I am, and I add another little thing to the back of my mind to make me hate myself some more.

It's me versus my mind. And as much as I say I have control, I really don't. I fear to be lonely, so my mind tries to make me lonely to punish me. And I fight it, and I struggle against it, and within my struggles I usually end up hurting someone, which I then get guilty for and end up trying to do something else to punish myself. I know how hard it is for me to live with things, so sometimes I try to hurt people for the simple reason that I'm going to hurt myself a lot more, for a much longer time.

Because people may forgive me, but I'll never forgive myself. And all I can do is keep on walking. All I can do is keep following some of the things I really do dream of doing, because it makes me happy. But I really try to keep myself alone, because I end up hurting people. I end up making their lives hell. And life's hard enough for them without having me around.

And for all the times that I've said the reasons why I wanted to kill myself... that's where the thought of suicide comes from. That's why I try to end it all, because then maybe people will cry for me, and they'll come to my funeral and think "what a waste of a life" or "he really made me smile sometimes" or something, and maybe on top of that I could inspire someone to keep living just by killing myself. But the real reason... well, it's so I can push you all away for good. I do you more damage than I do good. And I become selfish, and I don't want to be alone so I pull you all closer, and that makes me guilty again and I end up giving myself something ELSE to have to cope with.

I think that one day, my mind is living in the hope that one day I'm going to get so guilty, so disgusted at myself, so... stuck in unbelief, that I WILL kill myself. That I'll have such a MASSIVE impact on myself that I'll just say "Right, that does it. I've got to the point where I'm really destroying the beauty of this world. It's ending."

But I end up breaking down and fighting it, and it ends up as a cry for attention. Again.

So I desperately try to run to my imagination. I try to keep myself alone by creating imaginary friends. Creatures who not only forgive me, but who I trust. Because that's not something I really can do, trust people.

I can make characters, and all of them love me for who I am. They love me, and they comfort me. They don't really have many of their own problems so they can just concentrate on helping me with mine. And we can go off and we can have fun together. It's quite simple really. And sometimes it really, really helps. And sometimes it doesn't.

I found someone quite randomly from the internet, that I talked to, and eventually fell in love with. You have -no- idea how much I've had to pay for phone bills and travel costs. And to be honest, neither do I, and I think I'll prefer it to stay that way. :0) But to be honest once more, there's nothing I'd have rather spent my money on.

Because through all the talking I finally found someone I could trust. And I know you'd all want my trust, and you'll all want me to tell you everything I've done and felt, but it doesn't work that way. Not for me.

It's taken all this time though, from April or so last year, to now, for me to truly realise how much I trust this person. And it scares me, because I feel if I told them everything I've done, it'll mess them up completely. And because I can't tell her what I feel, what I've done, what I've done to myself in the fear that I'm going to hurt her so much... I end up locking up, I end up playing games and trying to divert attention away from me by trapping her and trying to force her to trust me when in fact she has no right to do so.

And I wish I could tell her this. But she's got enough to deal with as it is, without all this. She has her own fair share of troubles, and well, I'm always there to listen to her if she just needs someone to talk to. Because, heh, if there's something I've gained from beating myself up for so long, it's the complete understanding that whatever anyone does, I don't really judge them for it. I can forgive anyone, I understand why people do things, I understand why people sometimes blame me for things that happen to them, I understand why sometimes people get confused. But I don't really know how to handle it. I can't just cheer people up when they're depressed/bitter/angry at themselves. I can cheer myself up sometimes, and I can cheer other people up sometimes. But hardly ever. And so that's another reason why I should beat myself up.

And it's come down to the fact that sooner or later I'm going to destroy her because I'm just inable to live with anyone. I know, as I person, I'm definitely capable of being someone that someone can fall in love with, and I know that I am capable of being cared for, and being wanted. But, well, I just can't cope with it. And I end up tearing things apart because, well, I'm just too afraid of hurting them. So well, I love her, so much, and it's so easy to be close to her, and that's why I can't talk to her.

But if there's one thing I've gained over this time, it's courage. It's the ability to stop myself. I can't stop myself every second of the day, but I'm definitely gaining more control. I know how pathetic killing myself would be now, it's much more, well, worthy, to keep alive and just push everyone away. I can achieve much more when I'm alive. And well, I still find happiness. I still find love and laughter and so much in life. I still seem somehow to be able to inspire people, but then, perhaps I shouldn't be. Perhaps my route is by far the worst you can take in life, and those that are encouraged by my actions should stay far, far away. But I can't tell you what to do.

"Living isn't easy, no need to make it harder."

And that's what I'm living by. I make life very hard for others that become close to me. I'm sure that one day, if they became even closer, then perhaps life would be amazingly easy... but to put people through so much pain just for the simple -hope- that things will be better one day, I can't deal with. I'm not here to put people in pain.

And I wish, I wish so much I had the courage to be sitting in front of everyone that reads this, speaking this to you. And I also wish I could talk well enough for you to understand me. :)

But this is the way I live. It's hard, it's really really hard sometimes, but it's for the best. Because if there's something I fear so much, it's hurting people that I love. And I do it, I can't help it, but I do. And if you want to know why I push you away, it's because I'm scared of hurting you more. Because you know damn well I can hurt you. You all know I can hurt you. And I will.

But well, I'm here for you at least. I'm never the most perfect of people to speak to if you're depressed, but if you're confused over what to do or something, sometimes I can help then. I can't give you the answers, but I can help you to find your own, and stuff.

And I'd love to be able to trust people. I love to think to myself "maybe this will sort everything out, maybe this will be the last straw and then I'd stop hurting people". But it won't stop. Don't believe I won't hurt you again. Because I certainly don't, but if you believe it, if you come to me and you tell me you love me and you tell me that you think perhaps everything will be ok in the end, then I'd smile and I'd forget all this, and I'll simply just flutter back down to trying to pull you all close to me and trapping you because of how scared I get.

And all I write and all the advice I give, it's just hope, so much hope that you won't all end up like me. And maybe you could all live my dreams for me, and maybe you could make me damn proud. And that's why I tried to make you think. That's why I wrote all those poems, because I just needed to inspire you all. I needed to, perhaps, show you that there's a lot of life, and we can all think about it, but there's still more.

And maybe if I kept telling the world that... maybe if I kept telling the world "Hey! Life's fantastic! There's so much more we haven't seen!" then eventually, everyone would believe that. And they'll all dance around and sing that and they'll all join hands and they'll turn to me, and they'll say "Hey! You were right!" and the hope... the hope that it'll happen, for my silly little selfish reason that I'll believe them. That I'll truly believe all I tell you... because you believed it. And you found it to be true, after all.

Because I am far too selfish, and it's what I fight, so much. It's what I really fear. I fear hurting people, and for that reason I end up hurting them, so really, it's not worth the bother.

But now, can you tell me how I feel? Can you tell if I'm crying my eyes out, if I'm hardly able to find energy within myself to lift my fingers over the keys? Or maybe I'm bouncing my head from side to side listening to Alright Now by Free. Yeah, that's the one. :)

Because if I live alone, then how can my selfishness ever hurt anyone? That's why I'm happier, because if I'm the only one in my world then I can't hurt anyone. And yeah, I'll get really depressed sometimes, and sometimes I'll cry and want to have love again and want to be able to talk to people and hold them and make them hold me... but I think, this way, life is much more balanced.

I'm not going to disappear. I'm just not going to let you get close to me. Simple as that.

Am I wrong to live this way? Am I wrong to think that I'll keep hurting people forever? Or will one day, in my hermitlike state, will I finally accept myself? Will I finally forgive myself and say "Hey, all that crap, it doesn't matter. What matters is now. What matters is today."

Hell, one day, eh? One day I'll truly believe all that optimistic stuff I wrote. All the things I dreamed of, yeah, maybe they'll come true one day. Maybe one day I'll be perfect, you know? Maybe one day I'll not have to keep hurting people. Maybe one day I'll be able to cope so easily. Maybe one day all this will just be something I can turn back on, and smile, and say to people "Hey, I've been there, but look at me now. Look at me now."

And I'll have all I ever wanted. And I wouldn't have to keep writing. And I wouldn't have to make sentence after sentence in the hope that through every word I write I'm somehow one step closer to perfection.

And I wish I didn't hope you'd love me. And I wish I didn't keep desperately hoping you could all pull me out of this. Because nobody should take that burden.

Because in reality, all I've got to offer can keep me happy, but no-one else. Not truly. I find myself to be a very simple person. I find that I'm entertained by the smallest of things. Sometimes I find life in places that you just don't really notice. Sometimes I can make people smile.

And sometimes I really have the courage. And sometimes I don't. And sometimes I think to myself "hey, all these artists, these singers, these writers, they've been where I've been, I'm not alone", but it's quickly overshadowed by "yeah... but they're still there. They're still there. And you're going to end up just the same. Lonely, and with a bleeding heart."

And maybe you can look at this post and think "Yeah, I know exactly how you feel", but hopefully, you can look at this and say "Christ, he's really messed up, I'm glad I'm not like that" or "Hah, yeah, I went through that stage too, but look at me now."

Because I can look at artists and see all the work they've done, and think wow. And I can think what they've done is fantastic and they've affected the way I feel and think. And then I'll look at them as humans, and I'll see how they could never find love, and how they could never truly settle down. And while they can play guitar fantastically and write beautifully and etc... why do I want to look up to these people? Why do I want to be like Roger Waters and Ani DiFranco and all the writers that help me to work things out? I don't want that at all. They can affect me, but I want to break out of this. All I want to do now is create a few things that make me laugh. I don't want to make you think. I don't want to make "art", something that can make you cope with your life even though it really doesn't... I just want to make you laugh, and I want to make you smile. And how can I do that? Christ, if you've read this far... you may have noticed. I'm trapped, I'm utterly trapped within myself.

What I really want is trust. What I really want is someone who can turn around and say "I know you're just trying to hurt me because you want to push me away so you can't hurt me anymore... but really, I'm here. Let's go skim stones in the sea."

And that would make me the happiest person alive.

And I hope if I keep struggling then maybe the load won't feel so heavy after a while. And then I can TRULY concentrate on making people happy. Because I try to. I really, really try to make people happy. But sometimes I try too hard and people become guilty that "they're not giving enough back", Christ, like I really care. You all do so much for me anyway.

And I'm sure I could use beautiful metaphors to tell you how I feel right now. And I'm sure I could dress up something to make it beautiful so I can make you think for a while. And oh, sure, you'll be stimulated. You'll read it and you'll get a little ego boost because you think you understand and it makes you feel a little better. Or maybe you think "I've been there and that makes things a little easier to understand" or something.

But this isn't about life, this is about me. I'm not saying poetry is wrong. It's just not right for me right now. I'm not saying you're wrong to learn from me. I just need to make you smile instead. It'd help me much more.

So, well, yes. If you read all of this, well, wow. If you understand me a little better now, then, excellent. If you understand yourself better too, well that's great too.

And if you got bored and you didn't read all of it, well, never mind. I guess I tried, and well, I can't take all the blame, but perhaps I should have wrote it better. And if you don't understand at all and now you're just more confused, well, that wasn't my intention.

Anyway, well, that's how I'm feeling today and it's pretty much my foundation of every day. How are you?

Ha, nope. Maybe some flash animations soon mind. :0)

I know you're right... I guess it'll just take me a little while.

I am feeling a lot better after writing that, which does make a change. Well, I've also been working on my stuff too, so that rules.

No more poetry from you in the near future then? Fantastic ;)

Well, I read all the way to the bottom, and I felt kind of compelled to reply. I doubt this post will have any decent sort of structure, and it will probaby meander a fair deal, but that's because I don't think it needs a good structure. I'm trying to write down what your post made me feel, or what it made me think about you. It doesn't need any structure because what you wrote was so personal, and so about you, so who am I to argue with anything you wrote. That'd make me an utter fool.

Don't think that I'm trying to tell you that I know you, or know how you feel because I don't, and I don't think anyone can just by reading a few of your posts, or by knowing you through a medium such as this one. I know I set up a lot of barriers when I was depressed. I kept the people I needed and wanted the most far away from "me", here you don't need those barriers, and you can be "you".

I do think, however, that people can relate to what you wrote. And I think I can relate to what you wrote. I used to think the same and you seem to. I felt wretched, I felt frustrated, I hated myself, and that's something that you'll have with you forever, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
I used to sit, in the dark, listening to music and I used to cry, and I used to hurt myself, and I used to hate myself.
I don't think if you knew me now you'd know that at all. I dunno, maybe Ros will tell you different, but you're post did make me feel a little better for you because now I feel that there is hope for you.
In your post you talked about trust, about hurting people to keep them away. You have to try to trust the people around you, and you have to try not to betray their trust in you by hurting them, and you have to hope that when you faulter and betray their trust then they will forgive you. I know I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I think you'll find that you are not as alone as it seems. Deep down you'll know whether I'm right or not.

And I know how you feel when you say that it feels like another pathetic cry for help. I have permanent reminders of that.

This is the way I see it. Now, please don't get angry if I am wrong. The way I see it, you come here saying that you are a teacher, saying people can learn from you. I think you may have even said martyr. I don't think that is the case. I think you use this place as an outlet, it's a vent for your feelings which you keep bottled inside. I think that is why you get very defensive if your views are challenged. You see it as a personal attack on your, because it is questioning the way you think and feel. I think you should be more open to change. Yes, put your views here, and yes, people can learn from them, but if they are questioned, question your views yourself. Maybe you will come out with a better set of views.

Don't be a teacher.
Don't be a martyr.

Just be yourself.

Maybe I'm being optimistic thinking that deep down for the most part people are good, and nice people. I'm sure that you are one of those people.

take care

SS

Fear of success, be it through recognition, love orachievment is a common ailment. Those who fear something try to avoid it, avoidance comes through seeking conflict or situations in which you will succeed in failing at (ironic huh?). Punishing yourself (in your own mind) because the world will not. Just let go and enjoy this crazy, whacked up world, be considerate but most of all be yourself.

I've never physically self harmed myself, but I self harm myself mentally a hell of a lot of the time.

I'm not sure why I do it, so I can't really tell you. But I beat myself up, spend half my life worrying over wherever or not I'm good enough for anything or anyone. I find myself doing things to me not because they release pain at the time, but so I have to live with that fact.

It's hard to explain. But I'm going to give it my best shot.

Simply, I do things to give myself pain. I am addicted to making myself feel bad, and I can't say why. I've done many things which I don't really want to talk about and I regret terribly, and that's exactly the reason why I did them in the first place. At the time I felt so pathetic, so utterly disgusting, and I felt I needed to punish myself somehow. So I did things to hurt other people or things that I know people would call me a monster or disgusting and hate me forever if I they knew about it. So, instead of giving myself a small amount of pain at that time, I'd give myself a lifetime of pain that I'd have to live with all on my own.

It's how I deal with pain. I blame myself, I blame all that I am, and I add another little thing to the back of my mind to make me hate myself some more.

It's me versus my mind. And as much as I say I have control, I really don't. I fear to be lonely, so my mind tries to make me lonely to punish me. And I fight it, and I struggle against it, and within my struggles I usually end up hurting someone, which I then get guilty for and end up trying to do something else to punish myself. I know how hard it is for me to live with things, so sometimes I try to hurt people for the simple reason that I'm going to hurt myself a lot more, for a much longer time.

Because people may forgive me, but I'll never forgive myself. And all I can do is keep on walking. All I can do is keep following some of the things I really do dream of doing, because it makes me happy. But I really try to keep myself alone, because I end up hurting people. I end up making their lives hell. And life's hard enough for them without having me around.

And for all the times that I've said the reasons why I wanted to kill myself... that's where the thought of suicide comes from. That's why I try to end it all, because then maybe people will cry for me, and they'll come to my funeral and think "what a waste of a life" or "he really made me smile sometimes" or something, and maybe on top of that I could inspire someone to keep living just by killing myself. But the real reason... well, it's so I can push you all away for good. I do you more damage than I do good. And I become selfish, and I don't want to be alone so I pull you all closer, and that makes me guilty again and I end up giving myself something ELSE to have to cope with.

I think that one day, my mind is living in the hope that one day I'm going to get so guilty, so disgusted at myself, so... stuck in unbelief, that I WILL kill myself. That I'll have such a MASSIVE impact on myself that I'll just say "Right, that does it. I've got to the point where I'm really destroying the beauty of this world. It's ending."

But I end up breaking down and fighting it, and it ends up as a cry for attention. Again.

So I desperately try to run to my imagination. I try to keep myself alone by creating imaginary friends. Creatures who not only forgive me, but who I trust. Because that's not something I really can do, trust people.

I can make characters, and all of them love me for who I am. They love me, and they comfort me. They don't really have many of their own problems so they can just concentrate on helping me with mine. And we can go off and we can have fun together. It's quite simple really. And sometimes it really, really helps. And sometimes it doesn't.

I found someone quite randomly from the internet, that I talked to, and eventually fell in love with. You have -no- idea how much I've had to pay for phone bills and travel costs. And to be honest, neither do I, and I think I'll prefer it to stay that way. :0) But to be honest once more, there's nothing I'd have rather spent my money on.

Because through all the talking I finally found someone I could trust. And I know you'd all want my trust, and you'll all want me to tell you everything I've done and felt, but it doesn't work that way. Not for me.

It's taken all this time though, from April or so last year, to now, for me to truly realise how much I trust this person. And it scares me, because I feel if I told them everything I've done, it'll mess them up completely. And because I can't tell her what I feel, what I've done, what I've done to myself in the fear that I'm going to hurt her so much... I end up locking up, I end up playing games and trying to divert attention away from me by trapping her and trying to force her to trust me when in fact she has no right to do so.

And I wish I could tell her this. But she's got enough to deal with as it is, without all this. She has her own fair share of troubles, and well, I'm always there to listen to her if she just needs someone to talk to. Because, heh, if there's something I've gained from beating myself up for so long, it's the complete understanding that whatever anyone does, I don't really judge them for it. I can forgive anyone, I understand why people do things, I understand why people sometimes blame me for things that happen to them, I understand why sometimes people get confused. But I don't really know how to handle it. I can't just cheer people up when they're depressed/bitter/angry at themselves. I can cheer myself up sometimes, and I can cheer other people up sometimes. But hardly ever. And so that's another reason why I should beat myself up.

And it's come down to the fact that sooner or later I'm going to destroy her because I'm just inable to live with anyone. I know, as I person, I'm definitely capable of being someone that someone can fall in love with, and I know that I am capable of being cared for, and being wanted. But, well, I just can't cope with it. And I end up tearing things apart because, well, I'm just too afraid of hurting them. So well, I love her, so much, and it's so easy to be close to her, and that's why I can't talk to her.

But if there's one thing I've gained over this time, it's courage. It's the ability to stop myself. I can't stop myself every second of the day, but I'm definitely gaining more control. I know how pathetic killing myself would be now, it's much more, well, worthy, to keep alive and just push everyone away. I can achieve much more when I'm alive. And well, I still find happiness. I still find love and laughter and so much in life. I still seem somehow to be able to inspire people, but then, perhaps I shouldn't be. Perhaps my route is by far the worst you can take in life, and those that are encouraged by my actions should stay far, far away. But I can't tell you what to do.

"Living isn't easy, no need to make it harder."

And that's what I'm living by. I make life very hard for others that become close to me. I'm sure that one day, if they became even closer, then perhaps life would be amazingly easy... but to put people through so much pain just for the simple -hope- that things will be better one day, I can't deal with. I'm not here to put people in pain.

And I wish, I wish so much I had the courage to be sitting in front of everyone that reads this, speaking this to you. And I also wish I could talk well enough for you to understand me. :)

But this is the way I live. It's hard, it's really really hard sometimes, but it's for the best. Because if there's something I fear so much, it's hurting people that I love. And I do it, I can't help it, but I do. And if you want to know why I push you away, it's because I'm scared of hurting you more. Because you know damn well I can hurt you. You all know I can hurt you. And I will.

But well, I'm here for you at least. I'm never the most perfect of people to speak to if you're depressed, but if you're confused over what to do or something, sometimes I can help then. I can't give you the answers, but I can help you to find your own, and stuff.

And I'd love to be able to trust people. I love to think to myself "maybe this will sort everything out, maybe this will be the last straw and then I'd stop hurting people". But it won't stop. Don't believe I won't hurt you again. Because I certainly don't, but if you believe it, if you come to me and you tell me you love me and you tell me that you think perhaps everything will be ok in the end, then I'd smile and I'd forget all this, and I'll simply just flutter back down to trying to pull you all close to me and trapping you because of how scared I get.

And all I write and all the advice I give, it's just hope, so much hope that you won't all end up like me. And maybe you could all live my dreams for me, and maybe you could make me damn proud. And that's why I tried to make you think. That's why I wrote all those poems, because I just needed to inspire you all. I needed to, perhaps, show you that there's a lot of life, and we can all think about it, but there's still more.

And maybe if I kept telling the world that... maybe if I kept telling the world "Hey! Life's fantastic! There's so much more we haven't seen!" then eventually, everyone would believe that. And they'll all dance around and sing that and they'll all join hands and they'll turn to me, and they'll say "Hey! You were right!" and the hope... the hope that it'll happen, for my silly little selfish reason that I'll believe them. That I'll truly believe all I tell you... because you believed it. And you found it to be true, after all.

Because I am far too selfish, and it's what I fight, so much. It's what I really fear. I fear hurting people, and for that reason I end up hurting them, so really, it's not worth the bother.

But now, can you tell me how I feel? Can you tell if I'm crying my eyes out, if I'm hardly able to find energy within myself to lift my fingers over the keys? Or maybe I'm bouncing my head from side to side listening to Alright Now by Free. Yeah, that's the one. :)

Because if I live alone, then how can my selfishness ever hurt anyone? That's why I'm happier, because if I'm the only one in my world then I can't hurt anyone. And yeah, I'll get really depressed sometimes, and sometimes I'll cry and want to have love again and want to be able to talk to people and hold them and make them hold me... but I think, this way, life is much more balanced.

I'm not going to disappear. I'm just not going to let you get close to me. Simple as that.

Am I wrong to live this way? Am I wrong to think that I'll keep hurting people forever? Or will one day, in my hermitlike state, will I finally accept myself? Will I finally forgive myself and say "Hey, all that crap, it doesn't matter. What matters is now. What matters is today."

Hell, one day, eh? One day I'll truly believe all that optimistic stuff I wrote. All the things I dreamed of, yeah, maybe they'll come true one day. Maybe one day I'll be perfect, you know? Maybe one day I'll not have to keep hurting people. Maybe one day I'll be able to cope so easily. Maybe one day all this will just be something I can turn back on, and smile, and say to people "Hey, I've been there, but look at me now. Look at me now."

And I'll have all I ever wanted. And I wouldn't have to keep writing. And I wouldn't have to make sentence after sentence in the hope that through every word I write I'm somehow one step closer to perfection.

And I wish I didn't hope you'd love me. And I wish I didn't keep desperately hoping you could all pull me out of this. Because nobody should take that burden.

Because in reality, all I've got to offer can keep me happy, but no-one else. Not truly. I find myself to be a very simple person. I find that I'm entertained by the smallest of things. Sometimes I find life in places that you just don't really notice. Sometimes I can make people smile.

And sometimes I really have the courage. And sometimes I don't. And sometimes I think to myself "hey, all these artists, these singers, these writers, they've been where I've been, I'm not alone", but it's quickly overshadowed by "yeah... but they're still there. They're still there. And you're going to end up just the same. Lonely, and with a bleeding heart."

And maybe you can look at this post and think "Yeah, I know exactly how you feel", but hopefully, you can look at this and say "Christ, he's really messed up, I'm glad I'm not like that" or "Hah, yeah, I went through that stage too, but look at me now."

Because I can look at artists and see all the work they've done, and think wow. And I can think what they've done is fantastic and they've affected the way I feel and think. And then I'll look at them as humans, and I'll see how they could never find love, and how they could never truly settle down. And while they can play guitar fantastically and write beautifully and etc... why do I want to look up to these people? Why do I want to be like Roger Waters and Ani DiFranco and all the writers that help me to work things out? I don't want that at all. They can affect me, but I want to break out of this. All I want to do now is create a few things that make me laugh. I don't want to make you think. I don't want to make "art", something that can make you cope with your life even though it really doesn't... I just want to make you laugh, and I want to make you smile. And how can I do that? Christ, if you've read this far... you may have noticed. I'm trapped, I'm utterly trapped within myself.

What I really want is trust. What I really want is someone who can turn around and say "I know you're just trying to hurt me because you want to push me away so you can't hurt me anymore... but really, I'm here. Let's go skim stones in the sea."

And that would make me the happiest person alive.

And I hope if I keep struggling then maybe the load won't feel so heavy after a while. And then I can TRULY concentrate on making people happy. Because I try to. I really, really try to make people happy. But sometimes I try too hard and people become guilty that "they're not giving enough back", Christ, like I really care. You all do so much for me anyway.

And I'm sure I could use beautiful metaphors to tell you how I feel right now. And I'm sure I could dress up something to make it beautiful so I can make you think for a while. And oh, sure, you'll be stimulated. You'll read it and you'll get a little ego boost because you think you understand and it makes you feel a little better. Or maybe you think "I've been there and that makes things a little easier to understand" or something.

But this isn't about life, this is about me. I'm not saying poetry is wrong. It's just not right for me right now. I'm not saying you're wrong to learn from me. I just need to make you smile instead. It'd help me much more.

So, well, yes. If you read all of this, well, wow. If you understand me a little better now, then, excellent. If you understand yourself better too, well that's great too.

And if you got bored and you didn't read all of it, well, never mind. I guess I tried, and well, I can't take all the blame, but perhaps I should have wrote it better. And if you don't understand at all and now you're just more confused, well, that wasn't my intention.

Anyway, well, that's how I'm feeling today and it's pretty much my foundation of every day. How are you?