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Newly appointed Minister for Pop, Pete Waterman has promised to revolutionise popular music with his 4 point plan:
* A Lee in every boy band.
Blue have one. Steps had one. 911 had one. Busted do not. Pete believes that this can only be to the detriment of the band.
"A Lee is an essential ingredient in any pop group, especially one consisting entirely of boys, though girls have been known to be called Leigh, or Lea, short for Leanne, or something, but for the boy band, it's vital. The Lee doesn't need to be able to sing, his purpose is as a focal point for the media. He must do interviews for Smash Hits, and feature regularly in The Sun's Bizzare column. Even when the band don't have anything to promote, Lee will keep them firmly in the public eye." Said Pete.
* A 'PieWatch' team established to monitor the condition of pop acts.
"Look at Westlife. " Said Pete "That one with the massive head, he's got a real chunk on lately. Robbie Williams weight is up and down like an elevator. These Pop stars need help, otherwise they won't be seen in Smash Hits, and the Sun's Bizzare column for any reason other than their size."
* To abolish the cover version on single releases.
Many current pop acts top hits have been cover versions. When it comes to original material, this often doesn't fare as well. Will this really help pop?
"I don't want cover versions to disappear all together" argued Pete "But I would like for these pop acts to establish themselves with something original. Let them have covers as album tracks, in live performance and the like, but really, the world doesn't need another version of Unchained Melody. Besides, I get paid more if they sing an original song I've worked on."
* Pop stars will be joined at all performances by Dennis Waterman.
"These are dangerous times" said Pete "And there are some dangerous people out there. I feel that we need someone like my namesake, Dennis, to act as a minder to these stars."
Whether these 4 points will have any real influence on the future of pop music remains to be seen, but there's one think we can be sure of, Pete Waterman is a man with a plan. He is pure pop, and if anyone can bring it kicking and screaming into this modern world, then it is he.
* A Lee in every boy band.
Blue have one. Steps had one. 911 had one. Busted do not. Pete believes that this can only be to the detriment of the band.
"A Lee is an essential ingredient in any pop group, especially one consisting entirely of boys, though girls have been known to be called Leigh, or Lea, short for Leanne, or something, but for the boy band, it's vital. The Lee doesn't need to be able to sing, his purpose is as a focal point for the media. He must do interviews for Smash Hits, and feature regularly in The Sun's Bizzare column. Even when the band don't have anything to promote, Lee will keep them firmly in the public eye." Said Pete.
* A 'PieWatch' team established to monitor the condition of pop acts.
"Look at Westlife. " Said Pete "That one with the massive head, he's got a real chunk on lately. Robbie Williams weight is up and down like an elevator. These Pop stars need help, otherwise they won't be seen in Smash Hits, and the Sun's Bizzare column for any reason other than their size."
* To abolish the cover version on single releases.
Many current pop acts top hits have been cover versions. When it comes to original material, this often doesn't fare as well. Will this really help pop?
"I don't want cover versions to disappear all together" argued Pete "But I would like for these pop acts to establish themselves with something original. Let them have covers as album tracks, in live performance and the like, but really, the world doesn't need another version of Unchained Melody. Besides, I get paid more if they sing an original song I've worked on."
* Pop stars will be joined at all performances by Dennis Waterman.
"These are dangerous times" said Pete "And there are some dangerous people out there. I feel that we need someone like my namesake, Dennis, to act as a minder to these stars."
Whether these 4 points will have any real influence on the future of pop music remains to be seen, but there's one think we can be sure of, Pete Waterman is a man with a plan. He is pure pop, and if anyone can bring it kicking and screaming into this modern world, then it is he.
Newly appointed Minister for Pop, Pete Waterman has promised to revolutionise popular music with his 4 point plan:
* A Lee in every boy band.
Blue have one. Steps had one. 911 had one. Busted do not. Pete believes that this can only be to the detriment of the band.
"A Lee is an essential ingredient in any pop group, especially one consisting entirely of boys, though girls have been known to be called Leigh, or Lea, short for Leanne, or something, but for the boy band, it's vital. The Lee doesn't need to be able to sing, his purpose is as a focal point for the media. He must do interviews for Smash Hits, and feature regularly in The Sun's Bizzare column. Even when the band don't have anything to promote, Lee will keep them firmly in the public eye." Said Pete.
* A 'PieWatch' team established to monitor the condition of pop acts.
"Look at Westlife. " Said Pete "That one with the massive head, he's got a real chunk on lately. Robbie Williams weight is up and down like an elevator. These Pop stars need help, otherwise they won't be seen in Smash Hits, and the Sun's Bizzare column for any reason other than their size."
* To abolish the cover version on single releases.
Many current pop acts top hits have been cover versions. When it comes to original material, this often doesn't fare as well. Will this really help pop?
"I don't want cover versions to disappear all together" argued Pete "But I would like for these pop acts to establish themselves with something original. Let them have covers as album tracks, in live performance and the like, but really, the world doesn't need another version of Unchained Melody. Besides, I get paid more if they sing an original song I've worked on."
* Pop stars will be joined at all performances by Dennis Waterman.
"These are dangerous times" said Pete "And there are some dangerous people out there. I feel that we need someone like my namesake, Dennis, to act as a minder to these stars."
Whether these 4 points will have any real influence on the future of pop music remains to be seen, but there's one think we can be sure of, Pete Waterman is a man with a plan. He is pure pop, and if anyone can bring it kicking and screaming into this modern world, then it is he.
* A Lee in every boy band.
Blue have one. Steps had one. 911 had one. Busted do not. Pete believes that this can only be to the detriment of the band.
"A Lee is an essential ingredient in any pop group, especially one consisting entirely of boys, though girls have been known to be called Leigh, or Lea, short for Leanne, or something, but for the boy band, it's vital. The Lee doesn't need to be able to sing, his purpose is as a focal point for the media. He must do interviews for Smash Hits, and feature regularly in The Sun's Bizzare column. Even when the band don't have anything to promote, Lee will keep them firmly in the public eye." Said Pete.
* A 'PieWatch' team established to monitor the condition of pop acts.
"Look at Westlife. " Said Pete "That one with the massive head, he's got a real chunk on lately. Robbie Williams weight is up and down like an elevator. These Pop stars need help, otherwise they won't be seen in Smash Hits, and the Sun's Bizzare column for any reason other than their size."
* To abolish the cover version on single releases.
Many current pop acts top hits have been cover versions. When it comes to original material, this often doesn't fare as well. Will this really help pop?
"I don't want cover versions to disappear all together" argued Pete "But I would like for these pop acts to establish themselves with something original. Let them have covers as album tracks, in live performance and the like, but really, the world doesn't need another version of Unchained Melody. Besides, I get paid more if they sing an original song I've worked on."
* Pop stars will be joined at all performances by Dennis Waterman.
"These are dangerous times" said Pete "And there are some dangerous people out there. I feel that we need someone like my namesake, Dennis, to act as a minder to these stars."
Whether these 4 points will have any real influence on the future of pop music remains to be seen, but there's one think we can be sure of, Pete Waterman is a man with a plan. He is pure pop, and if anyone can bring it kicking and screaming into this modern world, then it is he.
oh how i wished i was called Lee. I also wished that had more points as I was enjoying that
* Boy bands will be broken up into the following parts:
The Cheeky One - see how he gurns to the camera! Sit still, will you! Wuurrr, you're mad! Sit still! Like a big spastic on Ritalin.
The Heart-throb - with his hair a-ruffled, his jeans a-ripped and his short a-undone, the heart-throb must always carry an aura of sexuality, even if he looks like he just fell down a well and landed on the Elephant Man.
The serious one - the other guys are in it for the money or the chicks, this one is in it for the music. When this tortued soul sings to the camera, clutching invisible notes from the air and placing them inside his heart, this one really means it. When he matches up those beautiful rhyming couplets like "night" and "alright" he's talking directly to you. No, not you, you're hideous. That person sitting behind you.
The black guy - all boy bands must have a black guy. Research shows asians are still not acceptable boy band fodder.
The Celebrity nobber - at least 13.33% of a boy band must be actively sleeping with a member of a similarly attractive/unattractive girl band. TV presenters are acceptable, models are passable and Jordan is available in an emergency.
The invisible one - no matter how hard he tries, he still looks like a bloke who's accidentally wandered in off the street and is asking for directions to Liverpool Street station.
And some more type stuff.
The Cheeky One - see how he gurns to the camera! Sit still, will you! Wuurrr, you're mad! Sit still! Like a big spastic on Ritalin.
The Heart-throb - with his hair a-ruffled, his jeans a-ripped and his short a-undone, the heart-throb must always carry an aura of sexuality, even if he looks like he just fell down a well and landed on the Elephant Man.
The serious one - the other guys are in it for the money or the chicks, this one is in it for the music. When this tortued soul sings to the camera, clutching invisible notes from the air and placing them inside his heart, this one really means it. When he matches up those beautiful rhyming couplets like "night" and "alright" he's talking directly to you. No, not you, you're hideous. That person sitting behind you.
The black guy - all boy bands must have a black guy. Research shows asians are still not acceptable boy band fodder.
The Celebrity nobber - at least 13.33% of a boy band must be actively sleeping with a member of a similarly attractive/unattractive girl band. TV presenters are acceptable, models are passable and Jordan is available in an emergency.
The invisible one - no matter how hard he tries, he still looks like a bloke who's accidentally wandered in off the street and is asking for directions to Liverpool Street station.
And some more type stuff.
You only missed out, “the hard looking tattoo covered one”.
This is the guy that stands in the background, he can’t sing, he can’t dance, he’s not even that attractive. His only jobs are, for the several pieces of metal pushed through his face to make the metal detector go of at the airport insuring you plenty of free advertising, he also drives the tour bus.
This is the guy that stands in the background, he can’t sing, he can’t dance, he’s not even that attractive. His only jobs are, for the several pieces of metal pushed through his face to make the metal detector go of at the airport insuring you plenty of free advertising, he also drives the tour bus.