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Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this evenings talk by our guest speaker. I’ll hand you over now to the capable hands of Professor Dogsbody.
‘nuqneH tera’ ghotpu’
(silence)
Hmm tough crowd, well that was klingon for ‘hello earth people’
Tonight I’m going to be speaking to you on the subject of…
(Dogsbody fires up a PowerPoint presentation)
How all matter in the universe is held together by Velcro
(Big flashy graphic appears displaying said title)
No not really, I’m doing the talk as advertised…
The science of comedy
Well I say ‘science’ I really mean physics, after all our good friend Ernest Rutherford said ‘All science is either Physics or stamp collecting’
Haw haw haw…. Sorry got carried away there.
I won’t take up much of your time, after all I’m just the lowly warm up before you get what you really came here for, the lecture on some astrophysics thing.
Firstly you have to know your audience, well for a start you’re my audience and you’re all physics students so it won’t be too hard to find something to amuse you, as a back up I’ve got a lot of toilet humour and boob jokes for you
(geek in Atari t shirt starts to snigger), ‘he said boobs’
Now try to tell a joke that your audience would find funny, maybe adapt an old favourite to suit your needs.
For example if you lot were carpet salespeople then I’d start with this little gem
‘Whats the difference between an English Carpet and a Mexican Carpet?
Underlay Underlay’
(silence ensues from audience)
Well I didn’t think you’d like that,
If your relevance factor doesn’t correlate with your audience then the resulting humour factor will be less than or equal to zero.
(Prof Dogsbody grins smugly)
Ok you asked for it…
‘How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, 1 to screw it in and one to derive from first principles whether to use the left or right handed screw rule.
(Atari boy laughs and gets the hiccups)
Well I’m glad someone liked it
‘hic’
Timing is relative…
*prof gets cut off mid pun by the hybridised laugh/hiccupping from Atari boy*
Ahem
Timing is relative in comedy, do you get it time relative, you know time and relativity?
No? Call yourselves physics students, I’ve had more attentive glasses of water than you lot
‘hic’
Well apart from him.
As I was saying timing is important in comedy, timing is everything, mess the timing up and you might as well kiss the joke goodbye, just like I did to my job as a lecturer after the last time I did this talk.
I used to work in the field of materials at low temperatures, that’s if you count selling ice creams in that field.
No. not even a little laugh, come on people throw me a bone here
(Atari boy laughs and points out he almost quoted Dr Evil)
So making pop culture references is more you guys thing, oh well I guess you’ll want me to say things like ‘snootchie bouchies’ and ‘where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera!’
(prof sighs)
anyway would the old ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ one have made it this far if the punch line came five minutes after the feed line?
No probably not.
Ironically as I am short of time before your big presentation takes place, I’ve had to remove most of my physics related gags and even the borderline filthy ‘twelve inch pianist’ joke.
(he now, after pausing uncomfortably gets out his cue cards)
(prof takes a huge tumble and lies neatly in a pile on the floor)
Space … ouch
You need space for most physical comedy, like my little fall there, which incidentally used with perfect timing can be funnier than even your wittiest of observational humour.
(prof holds up a vhs cassette)
I was going to show you a short collection of edited highlights from you’ve been framed consisting of about 12 short clips of various adults getting in various situations getting whacked in the nuts, it’s really funny, I laugh every time I see them.
But it seems that the organisers object to that, I think they are just scared of it upstaging the next guy.
(prof purposely smacks himself in the nuts and comedically falls over)
…(everyone laughs)
(in a high pitched voice) that really hurt
And there we have my final section chemicals and comedy, another old classic the helium in a balloon trick, which I concealed in my jacket pocket.
Never fails to get a laugh when coupled with the old whack in the nuts and tumble combo.
From the look of things your feature speaker has just arrived and the guy at the door is signalling for me to wind things up here.
So our final lesson is sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy and with that in mind I’ll say that you have been a great audience.
Goodnight all.
(The Teacher at the door tries to get the prof out the room quickly)
You’ll not silence me, I’m funny, funnier than you’ll ever be.
I could have been Jim Davidson’s understudy on Big Break!
‘nuqneH tera’ ghotpu’
(silence)
Hmm tough crowd, well that was klingon for ‘hello earth people’
Tonight I’m going to be speaking to you on the subject of…
(Dogsbody fires up a PowerPoint presentation)
How all matter in the universe is held together by Velcro
(Big flashy graphic appears displaying said title)
No not really, I’m doing the talk as advertised…
The science of comedy
Well I say ‘science’ I really mean physics, after all our good friend Ernest Rutherford said ‘All science is either Physics or stamp collecting’
Haw haw haw…. Sorry got carried away there.
I won’t take up much of your time, after all I’m just the lowly warm up before you get what you really came here for, the lecture on some astrophysics thing.
Firstly you have to know your audience, well for a start you’re my audience and you’re all physics students so it won’t be too hard to find something to amuse you, as a back up I’ve got a lot of toilet humour and boob jokes for you
(geek in Atari t shirt starts to snigger), ‘he said boobs’
Now try to tell a joke that your audience would find funny, maybe adapt an old favourite to suit your needs.
For example if you lot were carpet salespeople then I’d start with this little gem
‘Whats the difference between an English Carpet and a Mexican Carpet?
Underlay Underlay’
(silence ensues from audience)
Well I didn’t think you’d like that,
If your relevance factor doesn’t correlate with your audience then the resulting humour factor will be less than or equal to zero.
(Prof Dogsbody grins smugly)
Ok you asked for it…
‘How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, 1 to screw it in and one to derive from first principles whether to use the left or right handed screw rule.
(Atari boy laughs and gets the hiccups)
Well I’m glad someone liked it
‘hic’
Timing is relative…
*prof gets cut off mid pun by the hybridised laugh/hiccupping from Atari boy*
Ahem
Timing is relative in comedy, do you get it time relative, you know time and relativity?
No? Call yourselves physics students, I’ve had more attentive glasses of water than you lot
‘hic’
Well apart from him.
As I was saying timing is important in comedy, timing is everything, mess the timing up and you might as well kiss the joke goodbye, just like I did to my job as a lecturer after the last time I did this talk.
I used to work in the field of materials at low temperatures, that’s if you count selling ice creams in that field.
No. not even a little laugh, come on people throw me a bone here
(Atari boy laughs and points out he almost quoted Dr Evil)
So making pop culture references is more you guys thing, oh well I guess you’ll want me to say things like ‘snootchie bouchies’ and ‘where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera!’
(prof sighs)
anyway would the old ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ one have made it this far if the punch line came five minutes after the feed line?
No probably not.
Ironically as I am short of time before your big presentation takes place, I’ve had to remove most of my physics related gags and even the borderline filthy ‘twelve inch pianist’ joke.
(he now, after pausing uncomfortably gets out his cue cards)
(prof takes a huge tumble and lies neatly in a pile on the floor)
Space … ouch
You need space for most physical comedy, like my little fall there, which incidentally used with perfect timing can be funnier than even your wittiest of observational humour.
(prof holds up a vhs cassette)
I was going to show you a short collection of edited highlights from you’ve been framed consisting of about 12 short clips of various adults getting in various situations getting whacked in the nuts, it’s really funny, I laugh every time I see them.
But it seems that the organisers object to that, I think they are just scared of it upstaging the next guy.
(prof purposely smacks himself in the nuts and comedically falls over)
…(everyone laughs)
(in a high pitched voice) that really hurt
And there we have my final section chemicals and comedy, another old classic the helium in a balloon trick, which I concealed in my jacket pocket.
Never fails to get a laugh when coupled with the old whack in the nuts and tumble combo.
From the look of things your feature speaker has just arrived and the guy at the door is signalling for me to wind things up here.
So our final lesson is sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy and with that in mind I’ll say that you have been a great audience.
Goodnight all.
(The Teacher at the door tries to get the prof out the room quickly)
You’ll not silence me, I’m funny, funnier than you’ll ever be.
I could have been Jim Davidson’s understudy on Big Break!
Thanks DM, I was beginning to think this would never get a reply.
Ooh and GAD too, that mangaged to keep a smile on my face when I had a day full of evil physics classes on monday, thanks for that.
Ooh and GAD too, that mangaged to keep a smile on my face when I had a day full of evil physics classes on monday, thanks for that.
hey well done SB, now you won for the same post twice :D this site and mine :D top stuff
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this evenings talk by our guest speaker. I’ll hand you over now to the capable hands of Professor Dogsbody.
‘nuqneH tera’ ghotpu’
(silence)
Hmm tough crowd, well that was klingon for ‘hello earth people’
Tonight I’m going to be speaking to you on the subject of…
(Dogsbody fires up a PowerPoint presentation)
How all matter in the universe is held together by Velcro
(Big flashy graphic appears displaying said title)
No not really, I’m doing the talk as advertised…
The science of comedy
Well I say ‘science’ I really mean physics, after all our good friend Ernest Rutherford said ‘All science is either Physics or stamp collecting’
Haw haw haw…. Sorry got carried away there.
I won’t take up much of your time, after all I’m just the lowly warm up before you get what you really came here for, the lecture on some astrophysics thing.
Firstly you have to know your audience, well for a start you’re my audience and you’re all physics students so it won’t be too hard to find something to amuse you, as a back up I’ve got a lot of toilet humour and boob jokes for you
(geek in Atari t shirt starts to snigger), ‘he said boobs’
Now try to tell a joke that your audience would find funny, maybe adapt an old favourite to suit your needs.
For example if you lot were carpet salespeople then I’d start with this little gem
‘Whats the difference between an English Carpet and a Mexican Carpet?
Underlay Underlay’
(silence ensues from audience)
Well I didn’t think you’d like that,
If your relevance factor doesn’t correlate with your audience then the resulting humour factor will be less than or equal to zero.
(Prof Dogsbody grins smugly)
Ok you asked for it…
‘How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, 1 to screw it in and one to derive from first principles whether to use the left or right handed screw rule.
(Atari boy laughs and gets the hiccups)
Well I’m glad someone liked it
‘hic’
Timing is relative…
*prof gets cut off mid pun by the hybridised laugh/hiccupping from Atari boy*
Ahem
Timing is relative in comedy, do you get it time relative, you know time and relativity?
No? Call yourselves physics students, I’ve had more attentive glasses of water than you lot
‘hic’
Well apart from him.
As I was saying timing is important in comedy, timing is everything, mess the timing up and you might as well kiss the joke goodbye, just like I did to my job as a lecturer after the last time I did this talk.
I used to work in the field of materials at low temperatures, that’s if you count selling ice creams in that field.
No. not even a little laugh, come on people throw me a bone here
(Atari boy laughs and points out he almost quoted Dr Evil)
So making pop culture references is more you guys thing, oh well I guess you’ll want me to say things like ‘snootchie bouchies’ and ‘where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera!’
(prof sighs)
anyway would the old ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ one have made it this far if the punch line came five minutes after the feed line?
No probably not.
Ironically as I am short of time before your big presentation takes place, I’ve had to remove most of my physics related gags and even the borderline filthy ‘twelve inch pianist’ joke.
(he now, after pausing uncomfortably gets out his cue cards)
(prof takes a huge tumble and lies neatly in a pile on the floor)
Space … ouch
You need space for most physical comedy, like my little fall there, which incidentally used with perfect timing can be funnier than even your wittiest of observational humour.
(prof holds up a vhs cassette)
I was going to show you a short collection of edited highlights from you’ve been framed consisting of about 12 short clips of various adults getting in various situations getting whacked in the nuts, it’s really funny, I laugh every time I see them.
But it seems that the organisers object to that, I think they are just scared of it upstaging the next guy.
(prof purposely smacks himself in the nuts and comedically falls over)
…(everyone laughs)
(in a high pitched voice) that really hurt
And there we have my final section chemicals and comedy, another old classic the helium in a balloon trick, which I concealed in my jacket pocket.
Never fails to get a laugh when coupled with the old whack in the nuts and tumble combo.
From the look of things your feature speaker has just arrived and the guy at the door is signalling for me to wind things up here.
So our final lesson is sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy and with that in mind I’ll say that you have been a great audience.
Goodnight all.
(The Teacher at the door tries to get the prof out the room quickly)
You’ll not silence me, I’m funny, funnier than you’ll ever be.
I could have been Jim Davidson’s understudy on Big Break!
‘nuqneH tera’ ghotpu’
(silence)
Hmm tough crowd, well that was klingon for ‘hello earth people’
Tonight I’m going to be speaking to you on the subject of…
(Dogsbody fires up a PowerPoint presentation)
How all matter in the universe is held together by Velcro
(Big flashy graphic appears displaying said title)
No not really, I’m doing the talk as advertised…
The science of comedy
Well I say ‘science’ I really mean physics, after all our good friend Ernest Rutherford said ‘All science is either Physics or stamp collecting’
Haw haw haw…. Sorry got carried away there.
I won’t take up much of your time, after all I’m just the lowly warm up before you get what you really came here for, the lecture on some astrophysics thing.
Firstly you have to know your audience, well for a start you’re my audience and you’re all physics students so it won’t be too hard to find something to amuse you, as a back up I’ve got a lot of toilet humour and boob jokes for you
(geek in Atari t shirt starts to snigger), ‘he said boobs’
Now try to tell a joke that your audience would find funny, maybe adapt an old favourite to suit your needs.
For example if you lot were carpet salespeople then I’d start with this little gem
‘Whats the difference between an English Carpet and a Mexican Carpet?
Underlay Underlay’
(silence ensues from audience)
Well I didn’t think you’d like that,
If your relevance factor doesn’t correlate with your audience then the resulting humour factor will be less than or equal to zero.
(Prof Dogsbody grins smugly)
Ok you asked for it…
‘How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, 1 to screw it in and one to derive from first principles whether to use the left or right handed screw rule.
(Atari boy laughs and gets the hiccups)
Well I’m glad someone liked it
‘hic’
Timing is relative…
*prof gets cut off mid pun by the hybridised laugh/hiccupping from Atari boy*
Ahem
Timing is relative in comedy, do you get it time relative, you know time and relativity?
No? Call yourselves physics students, I’ve had more attentive glasses of water than you lot
‘hic’
Well apart from him.
As I was saying timing is important in comedy, timing is everything, mess the timing up and you might as well kiss the joke goodbye, just like I did to my job as a lecturer after the last time I did this talk.
I used to work in the field of materials at low temperatures, that’s if you count selling ice creams in that field.
No. not even a little laugh, come on people throw me a bone here
(Atari boy laughs and points out he almost quoted Dr Evil)
So making pop culture references is more you guys thing, oh well I guess you’ll want me to say things like ‘snootchie bouchies’ and ‘where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera, where’s my spy camera!’
(prof sighs)
anyway would the old ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’ one have made it this far if the punch line came five minutes after the feed line?
No probably not.
Ironically as I am short of time before your big presentation takes place, I’ve had to remove most of my physics related gags and even the borderline filthy ‘twelve inch pianist’ joke.
(he now, after pausing uncomfortably gets out his cue cards)
(prof takes a huge tumble and lies neatly in a pile on the floor)
Space … ouch
You need space for most physical comedy, like my little fall there, which incidentally used with perfect timing can be funnier than even your wittiest of observational humour.
(prof holds up a vhs cassette)
I was going to show you a short collection of edited highlights from you’ve been framed consisting of about 12 short clips of various adults getting in various situations getting whacked in the nuts, it’s really funny, I laugh every time I see them.
But it seems that the organisers object to that, I think they are just scared of it upstaging the next guy.
(prof purposely smacks himself in the nuts and comedically falls over)
…(everyone laughs)
(in a high pitched voice) that really hurt
And there we have my final section chemicals and comedy, another old classic the helium in a balloon trick, which I concealed in my jacket pocket.
Never fails to get a laugh when coupled with the old whack in the nuts and tumble combo.
From the look of things your feature speaker has just arrived and the guy at the door is signalling for me to wind things up here.
So our final lesson is sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy and with that in mind I’ll say that you have been a great audience.
Goodnight all.
(The Teacher at the door tries to get the prof out the room quickly)
You’ll not silence me, I’m funny, funnier than you’ll ever be.
I could have been Jim Davidson’s understudy on Big Break!