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This is Springfield!
A tourist's guide to Springfield and its history.
Was it really so long ago that an intrepid frontiersman led his band of opportunity-seeking pioneer brethren to this greenish-beige valley, this blessed mound of dirt, this Springfield? No. It was but one hundred and sixty years ago (or two hundred, depending on which supermarket encyclopaedia you own) that coonskin-capped Jebediah Obediah Zacharia Jedediah Springfield tossed away his walking stick and proclaimed: "Here-here is where we shall build a teeming, colourful metropolis that offers free, convenient parking, that serves local delicacies such as toothless Joe’s Gum-Flavoured Chewing Product, that features more Krustyburger locations per square mile than any other place on earth, and that, due to a near-constant economic state of recession, gives more bang for the tourist buck than Beirut and Tijuana combined!"
Of course, Jebediah didn't actually say all that, but if he came to the present-day Springfield in some sort of time machine, and than returned to that founding day-I can guarantee that words such as those would have come from his mouth. But how did this wonderful vacation destination come to be I hear you cry? What were the critical moments that shaped this great city, a city extremely lenient on visitors who break the law, whose officials even look the other way on most tourist misdemeanour offences? I'm glad you asked.
Springfield would be a far different place if not for a fateful argument that occurred on the day the town was founded. According to spotty historical records, half the pioneers-led by Jebediah Springfield-were searching for a place where they could freely pray, justly govern, and farm hemp for rope making and blanket weaving. The other half-lead by Shelbyville Manhattan-wanted to found a town that would give them the freedom to marry their cousins without fear of persecution. The party split, with Manhattan's faction forming the nearby town of Shelbyville and Springfield's followers forming the town of Springfield.
Folklorists galore have woven tales of Jebediah Springfield killing a bear with his bare hands, taming the mighty buffalo, building the town's first hospital from mud and logs, saving the entire population from the Great Blizzard of '48, and even being, in actuality, a silver-tongued pirate.
But bear or no bear, silver tongue or normal fleshy one, he founded a town that coasts along to this very day. Despite the aforementioned shakiness of the current Springfield economy-which, for tourists, means bargains bargains bargains! -Springfield at one time had streets paved with gold, literally.
During the post-war era, the town enjoyed unbridled prosperity from its own unusual export: the Aquacar! Part-car, part-boat, part-crazy-person vehicular device, this four wheeled amphibimobile took the world by storm for two insane months. Sadly, due to design flaws, every single Aquacar had to be recalled when it was discovered that they were subject to spontaneous explosion after 600 miles and/or knots. It was a dark time for Springfield: dozens of people were thrown out of work, the streets were repossessed and sold to the Sultan of Brunei (who subsequently melted down the gold to encase one of his many elephant herds), and the town's all-you-can-eat free-chicken Fridays were permanently discontinued.
Since that time, Springfield has preserved, however tenuously. Besides the ignition of the world's longest burning tire-yard fire (still burning to this very day), the last fifty years have witnessed the opening of the Springfield nuclear power plant as well as the chocolate, cracker, and box factories. Springfield's economy can be tied to the fortunes of two of its richest, and most influential citizens: C. Montgomery Burns and, to a lesser extent, Krusty the Clown (born Herschel Krustofski).
Burns, the heir to the ancient Burns nuclear-and-intimidation fortune, owns not only the nuclear power plant which employs hundreds of Springfielders, but he also has holdings in the town's electric company, railroad, and hotels (not to mention his mass-transit radioactive busses, thanks to the simpsons:road rage for xbox, gamecube and playstation2). His generous kickbacks to city officials help keep them from dipping further into Springfield depleted coffers, and his ointment expenditures alone accounts for one fifth of the city's gross municipal product.
Springfield's King of Komedy, Krusty the Clown, has also become a major force in the city's economy. His popular television show helped launch his widely successful-if not heavily litigated-fast food chain Krustyburger. The scad of Krustyburger locations throughout Springfield employs three hundred spotty teens yearly. Krusty the Clown merchandise is often produced in Springfield's sweatshops, accounting for at least 90 percent of Springfield's child labour employment and 68 percent of the town's monkey labour employment (coincidentally, Burns employs the other 32 percent of Springfield's monkey population). Besides revenue and employment from his various subsidiaries, Krusty's gambling problems have helped keep Springfield Downs solvent, his wild shopping sprees have proved a boon to the city's adult bookstores and seltzer wholesalers, and his plans to expand the Krustylu Studios Tour may very well bring in even more tourist dollars to Springfield, where visitors aren't considered guests-they're family!
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man - Jebediah Springfield
A tourist's guide to Springfield and its history.
Was it really so long ago that an intrepid frontiersman led his band of opportunity-seeking pioneer brethren to this greenish-beige valley, this blessed mound of dirt, this Springfield? No. It was but one hundred and sixty years ago (or two hundred, depending on which supermarket encyclopaedia you own) that coonskin-capped Jebediah Obediah Zacharia Jedediah Springfield tossed away his walking stick and proclaimed: "Here-here is where we shall build a teeming, colourful metropolis that offers free, convenient parking, that serves local delicacies such as toothless Joe’s Gum-Flavoured Chewing Product, that features more Krustyburger locations per square mile than any other place on earth, and that, due to a near-constant economic state of recession, gives more bang for the tourist buck than Beirut and Tijuana combined!"
Of course, Jebediah didn't actually say all that, but if he came to the present-day Springfield in some sort of time machine, and than returned to that founding day-I can guarantee that words such as those would have come from his mouth. But how did this wonderful vacation destination come to be I hear you cry? What were the critical moments that shaped this great city, a city extremely lenient on visitors who break the law, whose officials even look the other way on most tourist misdemeanour offences? I'm glad you asked.
Springfield would be a far different place if not for a fateful argument that occurred on the day the town was founded. According to spotty historical records, half the pioneers-led by Jebediah Springfield-were searching for a place where they could freely pray, justly govern, and farm hemp for rope making and blanket weaving. The other half-lead by Shelbyville Manhattan-wanted to found a town that would give them the freedom to marry their cousins without fear of persecution. The party split, with Manhattan's faction forming the nearby town of Shelbyville and Springfield's followers forming the town of Springfield.
Folklorists galore have woven tales of Jebediah Springfield killing a bear with his bare hands, taming the mighty buffalo, building the town's first hospital from mud and logs, saving the entire population from the Great Blizzard of '48, and even being, in actuality, a silver-tongued pirate.
But bear or no bear, silver tongue or normal fleshy one, he founded a town that coasts along to this very day. Despite the aforementioned shakiness of the current Springfield economy-which, for tourists, means bargains bargains bargains! -Springfield at one time had streets paved with gold, literally.
During the post-war era, the town enjoyed unbridled prosperity from its own unusual export: the Aquacar! Part-car, part-boat, part-crazy-person vehicular device, this four wheeled amphibimobile took the world by storm for two insane months. Sadly, due to design flaws, every single Aquacar had to be recalled when it was discovered that they were subject to spontaneous explosion after 600 miles and/or knots. It was a dark time for Springfield: dozens of people were thrown out of work, the streets were repossessed and sold to the Sultan of Brunei (who subsequently melted down the gold to encase one of his many elephant herds), and the town's all-you-can-eat free-chicken Fridays were permanently discontinued.
Since that time, Springfield has preserved, however tenuously. Besides the ignition of the world's longest burning tire-yard fire (still burning to this very day), the last fifty years have witnessed the opening of the Springfield nuclear power plant as well as the chocolate, cracker, and box factories. Springfield's economy can be tied to the fortunes of two of its richest, and most influential citizens: C. Montgomery Burns and, to a lesser extent, Krusty the Clown (born Herschel Krustofski).
Burns, the heir to the ancient Burns nuclear-and-intimidation fortune, owns not only the nuclear power plant which employs hundreds of Springfielders, but he also has holdings in the town's electric company, railroad, and hotels (not to mention his mass-transit radioactive busses, thanks to the simpsons:road rage for xbox, gamecube and playstation2). His generous kickbacks to city officials help keep them from dipping further into Springfield depleted coffers, and his ointment expenditures alone accounts for one fifth of the city's gross municipal product.
Springfield's King of Komedy, Krusty the Clown, has also become a major force in the city's economy. His popular television show helped launch his widely successful-if not heavily litigated-fast food chain Krustyburger. The scad of Krustyburger locations throughout Springfield employs three hundred spotty teens yearly. Krusty the Clown merchandise is often produced in Springfield's sweatshops, accounting for at least 90 percent of Springfield's child labour employment and 68 percent of the town's monkey labour employment (coincidentally, Burns employs the other 32 percent of Springfield's monkey population). Besides revenue and employment from his various subsidiaries, Krusty's gambling problems have helped keep Springfield Downs solvent, his wild shopping sprees have proved a boon to the city's adult bookstores and seltzer wholesalers, and his plans to expand the Krustylu Studios Tour may very well bring in even more tourist dollars to Springfield, where visitors aren't considered guests-they're family!
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man - Jebediah Springfield
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This is Springfield!
A tourist's guide to Springfield and its history.
Was it really so long ago that an intrepid frontiersman led his band of opportunity-seeking pioneer brethren to this greenish-beige valley, this blessed mound of dirt, this Springfield? No. It was but one hundred and sixty years ago (or two hundred, depending on which supermarket encyclopaedia you own) that coonskin-capped Jebediah Obediah Zacharia Jedediah Springfield tossed away his walking stick and proclaimed: "Here-here is where we shall build a teeming, colourful metropolis that offers free, convenient parking, that serves local delicacies such as toothless Joe’s Gum-Flavoured Chewing Product, that features more Krustyburger locations per square mile than any other place on earth, and that, due to a near-constant economic state of recession, gives more bang for the tourist buck than Beirut and Tijuana combined!"
Of course, Jebediah didn't actually say all that, but if he came to the present-day Springfield in some sort of time machine, and than returned to that founding day-I can guarantee that words such as those would have come from his mouth. But how did this wonderful vacation destination come to be I hear you cry? What were the critical moments that shaped this great city, a city extremely lenient on visitors who break the law, whose officials even look the other way on most tourist misdemeanour offences? I'm glad you asked.
Springfield would be a far different place if not for a fateful argument that occurred on the day the town was founded. According to spotty historical records, half the pioneers-led by Jebediah Springfield-were searching for a place where they could freely pray, justly govern, and farm hemp for rope making and blanket weaving. The other half-lead by Shelbyville Manhattan-wanted to found a town that would give them the freedom to marry their cousins without fear of persecution. The party split, with Manhattan's faction forming the nearby town of Shelbyville and Springfield's followers forming the town of Springfield.
Folklorists galore have woven tales of Jebediah Springfield killing a bear with his bare hands, taming the mighty buffalo, building the town's first hospital from mud and logs, saving the entire population from the Great Blizzard of '48, and even being, in actuality, a silver-tongued pirate.
But bear or no bear, silver tongue or normal fleshy one, he founded a town that coasts along to this very day. Despite the aforementioned shakiness of the current Springfield economy-which, for tourists, means bargains bargains bargains! -Springfield at one time had streets paved with gold, literally.
During the post-war era, the town enjoyed unbridled prosperity from its own unusual export: the Aquacar! Part-car, part-boat, part-crazy-person vehicular device, this four wheeled amphibimobile took the world by storm for two insane months. Sadly, due to design flaws, every single Aquacar had to be recalled when it was discovered that they were subject to spontaneous explosion after 600 miles and/or knots. It was a dark time for Springfield: dozens of people were thrown out of work, the streets were repossessed and sold to the Sultan of Brunei (who subsequently melted down the gold to encase one of his many elephant herds), and the town's all-you-can-eat free-chicken Fridays were permanently discontinued.
Since that time, Springfield has preserved, however tenuously. Besides the ignition of the world's longest burning tire-yard fire (still burning to this very day), the last fifty years have witnessed the opening of the Springfield nuclear power plant as well as the chocolate, cracker, and box factories. Springfield's economy can be tied to the fortunes of two of its richest, and most influential citizens: C. Montgomery Burns and, to a lesser extent, Krusty the Clown (born Herschel Krustofski).
Burns, the heir to the ancient Burns nuclear-and-intimidation fortune, owns not only the nuclear power plant which employs hundreds of Springfielders, but he also has holdings in the town's electric company, railroad, and hotels (not to mention his mass-transit radioactive busses, thanks to the simpsons:road rage for xbox, gamecube and playstation2). His generous kickbacks to city officials help keep them from dipping further into Springfield depleted coffers, and his ointment expenditures alone accounts for one fifth of the city's gross municipal product.
Springfield's King of Komedy, Krusty the Clown, has also become a major force in the city's economy. His popular television show helped launch his widely successful-if not heavily litigated-fast food chain Krustyburger. The scad of Krustyburger locations throughout Springfield employs three hundred spotty teens yearly. Krusty the Clown merchandise is often produced in Springfield's sweatshops, accounting for at least 90 percent of Springfield's child labour employment and 68 percent of the town's monkey labour employment (coincidentally, Burns employs the other 32 percent of Springfield's monkey population). Besides revenue and employment from his various subsidiaries, Krusty's gambling problems have helped keep Springfield Downs solvent, his wild shopping sprees have proved a boon to the city's adult bookstores and seltzer wholesalers, and his plans to expand the Krustylu Studios Tour may very well bring in even more tourist dollars to Springfield, where visitors aren't considered guests-they're family!
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man - Jebediah Springfield
A tourist's guide to Springfield and its history.
Was it really so long ago that an intrepid frontiersman led his band of opportunity-seeking pioneer brethren to this greenish-beige valley, this blessed mound of dirt, this Springfield? No. It was but one hundred and sixty years ago (or two hundred, depending on which supermarket encyclopaedia you own) that coonskin-capped Jebediah Obediah Zacharia Jedediah Springfield tossed away his walking stick and proclaimed: "Here-here is where we shall build a teeming, colourful metropolis that offers free, convenient parking, that serves local delicacies such as toothless Joe’s Gum-Flavoured Chewing Product, that features more Krustyburger locations per square mile than any other place on earth, and that, due to a near-constant economic state of recession, gives more bang for the tourist buck than Beirut and Tijuana combined!"
Of course, Jebediah didn't actually say all that, but if he came to the present-day Springfield in some sort of time machine, and than returned to that founding day-I can guarantee that words such as those would have come from his mouth. But how did this wonderful vacation destination come to be I hear you cry? What were the critical moments that shaped this great city, a city extremely lenient on visitors who break the law, whose officials even look the other way on most tourist misdemeanour offences? I'm glad you asked.
Springfield would be a far different place if not for a fateful argument that occurred on the day the town was founded. According to spotty historical records, half the pioneers-led by Jebediah Springfield-were searching for a place where they could freely pray, justly govern, and farm hemp for rope making and blanket weaving. The other half-lead by Shelbyville Manhattan-wanted to found a town that would give them the freedom to marry their cousins without fear of persecution. The party split, with Manhattan's faction forming the nearby town of Shelbyville and Springfield's followers forming the town of Springfield.
Folklorists galore have woven tales of Jebediah Springfield killing a bear with his bare hands, taming the mighty buffalo, building the town's first hospital from mud and logs, saving the entire population from the Great Blizzard of '48, and even being, in actuality, a silver-tongued pirate.
But bear or no bear, silver tongue or normal fleshy one, he founded a town that coasts along to this very day. Despite the aforementioned shakiness of the current Springfield economy-which, for tourists, means bargains bargains bargains! -Springfield at one time had streets paved with gold, literally.
During the post-war era, the town enjoyed unbridled prosperity from its own unusual export: the Aquacar! Part-car, part-boat, part-crazy-person vehicular device, this four wheeled amphibimobile took the world by storm for two insane months. Sadly, due to design flaws, every single Aquacar had to be recalled when it was discovered that they were subject to spontaneous explosion after 600 miles and/or knots. It was a dark time for Springfield: dozens of people were thrown out of work, the streets were repossessed and sold to the Sultan of Brunei (who subsequently melted down the gold to encase one of his many elephant herds), and the town's all-you-can-eat free-chicken Fridays were permanently discontinued.
Since that time, Springfield has preserved, however tenuously. Besides the ignition of the world's longest burning tire-yard fire (still burning to this very day), the last fifty years have witnessed the opening of the Springfield nuclear power plant as well as the chocolate, cracker, and box factories. Springfield's economy can be tied to the fortunes of two of its richest, and most influential citizens: C. Montgomery Burns and, to a lesser extent, Krusty the Clown (born Herschel Krustofski).
Burns, the heir to the ancient Burns nuclear-and-intimidation fortune, owns not only the nuclear power plant which employs hundreds of Springfielders, but he also has holdings in the town's electric company, railroad, and hotels (not to mention his mass-transit radioactive busses, thanks to the simpsons:road rage for xbox, gamecube and playstation2). His generous kickbacks to city officials help keep them from dipping further into Springfield depleted coffers, and his ointment expenditures alone accounts for one fifth of the city's gross municipal product.
Springfield's King of Komedy, Krusty the Clown, has also become a major force in the city's economy. His popular television show helped launch his widely successful-if not heavily litigated-fast food chain Krustyburger. The scad of Krustyburger locations throughout Springfield employs three hundred spotty teens yearly. Krusty the Clown merchandise is often produced in Springfield's sweatshops, accounting for at least 90 percent of Springfield's child labour employment and 68 percent of the town's monkey labour employment (coincidentally, Burns employs the other 32 percent of Springfield's monkey population). Besides revenue and employment from his various subsidiaries, Krusty's gambling problems have helped keep Springfield Downs solvent, his wild shopping sprees have proved a boon to the city's adult bookstores and seltzer wholesalers, and his plans to expand the Krustylu Studios Tour may very well bring in even more tourist dollars to Springfield, where visitors aren't considered guests-they're family!
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man - Jebediah Springfield
Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not trying to mootch a GAD from it...
CDouch wrote:
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
Im no moocher, i do this for the entertainment of others :)
p.s. my sources are many and plentiful
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
Im no moocher, i do this for the entertainment of others :)
p.s. my sources are many and plentiful
Ha!
CDouch wrote:
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
Im no moocher, i do this for the entertainment of others :)
p.s. my sources are many and plentiful
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
Im no moocher, i do this for the entertainment of others :)
p.s. my sources are many and plentiful
sorry for the repeats, my pc's busted ;)
You do realise you can be banned for trying to copy information from another source and pass it off as your own, ie. by not stating where you got it from originally.
ok, i state that the sources for this piece were: are we there yet? springfield, the simpsons road rage, some stuff from simpsons episodes, and my brain.
i did change it a bit to make it more funny though :(
i did change it a bit to make it more funny though :(
No you didn't, you copied it from a book as CDouch pointed out
\/ \/
CDouch wrote:
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
\/ \/
CDouch wrote:
> Yeah I have that book to, it's good isn't it? But I hope you're not
> trying to mootch a GAD from it...
I meant to write you copied it ALL from a book.
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