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Saturday 3rd August 2002, the Police receive a phone call from what seemed to be a distressed lady in her seventy’s. The phone booth of the recorded phone call lay dead in the centre of one of the United Kingdoms biggest seaside resorts – Southend-on-Sea, at the time when the population peaks there during the Summer Holidays.
Here is that very phone call, recorded by Essex Police in 2002:
*Sound of Rollercoaster in background makes for hard hearing*
Lady: “Police?!? Police?!? Is this the Police?”
Police: “Yes, please try and speak up Mam”.
Lady: “Thank god I remembered your number, this is an emergency!”
Police: “Please describe the events occurring Mam”.
Lady: “Well I was just sitting here on the Seawall eating my Cod which cost me £1 and it taste’s like Haddock”
Police: “Is this some kind of joke?”
Lady: “No, no joke, infact it’s very true. I feel I have been ripped off more then ever and that’s a long time my dear”.
Police: “I’m going to have to hang up on you now Mam.”
Lady: “Hold on, I haven’t told you what’s wrong yet!”
Police: “Hurry up please, you are wasting the Polices valuable time”.
Lady: “Sorry, well as I said, I was sitting here eating my Cod when suddenly I saw, believe it or not, Nazi’s!”
Police: “Thank you Mam, I’ll be hanging up now”.
Lady: “No wait! It’s true! A whole line of them marching from right leg to left leg, they looked like Zombies, I felt like standing up on the seawall and shouting NAZI’S! NAZI’S! but I contained myself. I thought I’d ring you to sort it out. I’m in between the arcades of Monte Carlo and New York! New York!”
Police: “Ok then Mam…have a nice day”.
Lady: “Ohhhhh I know, who would of though it eh? The rebirth of the Nazi’s in our very own country”.
*Phone call ends*
One year on and I still play this very recording to myself as it helps me sleep. I feel as though the Police were wrong on this occasion, I was on the lady’s side, but I didn’t know whether on not I was making the right decision. Since December 1998 I felt as though I could never trust an old lady again, that sweet look of a Pensioners face would never trick me another time. Cancelling my Honeymoon to go and see ‘The Flying Dog’ which Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth reported, happened to actually be a very well shaped Cloud. I missed out on one hell of a night to see a Cloud and dare I say it but I slapped Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth right in the lower jaw. But I was going with my instincts on this one, I wanted to know the truth behind the Zombies of Southend Seafront. If it all turned out to be a hoax I’d only have myself to blame, as there’d be no old lady to slap this time. I didn’t even know who the hell she was.
Southend-On-Sea
The Seafront
The Sun shone on the Sea, it was a clear day, the Seagulls were out in all their glory, one even shat on my Jacket. I walked past the famous Pier, it stretched for miles, I could stand and gaze here all day but there was a mission at hand. The place was crowded, it was almost like I was in Ibiza again but I was twice the age and there wasn’t any sexy, half naked women walking around. Still, I could ask the questions I wanted to.
“Monte Carlo?” I said, but I was ignored. Maybe the lady was lying, or maybe she had missed her eye appointment?
“New York? New York?” I asked to a more mature looking fellow. All I got was a strange look and a mouth full of Big Mac.
This town was dirty, the people didn’t even know their own town.
I set out to find the place for myself, amidst the sound of many Arcades machines which were quite frankly doing my head in. I was tempted by the Whack-A-Mole, but I resisted temptation and instead took to the slots. I always was more of a Gentlemen then a self-obsessed Mole Freak.
Whilst playing on the slots I noticed a guy walk past me who had just finished polishing his balls, Bowling balls to the more misinformed person. On his shirt lay a badge, it read ‘John Boar’, I believed him. Below his name lay a logo, it read ‘Monte Carlo’. At last, I was there, and there was no need for a map. I was a living genius.
I walked away after gambling approximately £1 and took time to look around the place they call ‘Monte Carlo’. I sniffed, like a Dog in search of meat, but I smelt no Zombie Nazi’s. After a through check I asked a small boy who was playing on a machine called ‘Crazy Taxi’ about the other arcade the lady had mentioned – ‘New York! New York!’.
“Excuse me…boy.” I proclaimed. He was too interested in his game to even take one look at me, so I talked to his mop for a head. “I’m looking for New York! New York!, know of it?” He kept on looking at the screen testing my nerve. “I have Candy, boy” I said, and with that was grabbed by the back of my collar and thrown out of the arcade. “Get out you dirty pervert!” shouted a bald, well built member of Staff. I dusted myself off whilst I was stared at by a crowd of people. They sniggered and walked off, I on the other hand went on search for the place that would surely hold the Zombies of our nation, the ones who may be turning our country into the placement for World War 3.
It didn’t take much to find ‘New York! New York!’, Infact it was directly nextdoor to the place I had just been quite kindly kicked out of. I walked in, it was a loud place, much larger then ‘Monte Carlo’ and much more professional it seemed. I sniffed, and to my disbelief I smelt it. There, infront of the doorway were a line of innocent Children, they must have been around the ages of 10-14. They stood behind one another, in pairs, lined up and doing the same movements. I looked at these movements in detail and studied all that I could. At one point I remember them doing a marching like action, like the lady had said in her recorded message with the Police. Strangely, they were staring at a screen with music coming out of a arrows pointing where they must step. Was this some kind of crazed invention to create the zombie like actions I was witnessing?
I decided to get closer to the action, to get some more inside information. I approached a girl about the age of 11 who was doing a routine behind the person on the actual machine. “Excuse me there young lady” I said quite kindly, she ignored me after giving me a strange look. Why was I being ignored in this town for? Was it something I was wearing? Was it my hair? It couldn’t of been, I had it cut five months ago. I was going to get an answer out of this girl. “Will you talk to me please! I’m here to ask about what you are doing” And at that point I heard a cry from the other side of the arcade “THERE HE IS!” and with that I was thrown out again. “We don’t want you around here dirty old man!”. Maybe I should of taken the hint? But no, I was going to get to the bottom of this.
By the time I had once again gone through the stares after being kicked out and the usual dusting off of my clothes I looked towards the sky. It was much darker now, the Sun which I once saw in the bright, clear day was setting and I figured it was time to get a room at a Bed & Breakfast somewhere. I would continue my case the morning, but I needed some sort of plan.
The next day I awoke after having hardly any sleep at all. The bed was a stiffer then the floor and that’s why I actually slept on the floor rather then the bed. It was much more comfortable. But the thing that kept me awake was the case at hand, I wanted to get back into the arcade but not get thrown out again for being thought of as a paedophile. I just needed to ask those girls some questions and come to a conclusion on whether or not Nazi’s are once again becoming a breed in our society today.
In the early hours of the morning I set out to Southend High Street. Just below a train bridge sat a busker, and besides him was a shop. A sign displayed the name ‘Claires Accessories’, I entered. After enjoying my time in the rather small store and feeling a bit out of place I left back for my room. This is where the plan would brew into the case solver, it had to be the most genius thing I had ever thought of apart from the time I started cooking Pop Tarts in the Toaster instead of the Microwave. Today Matthew I am going to be a little girl.
With a small skirt nearly showing my Male organs and my hair tied back in Pig Tails I left for the arcade. I swear everyone thought I was a girl, I could see it in the looks they gave me. I never felt so homosexual in my whole life but hey, this was going to work. Well, I crossed my fingers that it would.
As I entered the arcade I got a slight ache in my stomach, it was nerves mixing with the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since midday the day before. The Bed & Breakfast I stayed at offered a Breakfast in the Morning but I passed due to the Bed not being of such high standards. It made sense I thought. There stood a line of girls, once again, different faces but they were girls and they were moving like Soldiers ready for bloody War. I quietly sneaked in at the back of the line and began to try and copy the person infront, it wasn’t working, I just didn’t have the rhythm the other girls but I certainly had the looks. I swear some spotty, middle aged Teenage Boy looked at me as I swung my hips. I wasn’t gay though so I kept it light. Whilst Dancing I heard many conversations. The one which stood out most in particular was from the two girls infront, it went something like this – “Yeah, I’ve got one at home. The Mat and everything and the songs are phat! I’m getting that Party Edition soon, it’s gonna be wicked! Come round and play it sometime yeah?”. Amongst the slang I think I realised what they were talking about. I’ll explain it to you, these girls had this Zombie making machine at home and were using it constantly even when the arcades were shut. This was even worse then I thought.
Time flied as I marched, I didn’t even realise I was actually moving forward and people who had been on were either moving to the back or just leaving the arcade. Soon I was the one standing infront of the machine and soon enough after that it was actually my time to stand on the machine and lead the other Zombie Girls into Nazi heaven. I stood up on the machine after taking a deep swallow, I had a gut feeling that this was going to be bad. “Select one then you tart!” said one of the Girls behind me, she had Ginger hair, I never did like them. I selected one of the items on screen and suddenly music blared out the Speakers to the side. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but the Girls behind me did, whilst they moved they were saying “You suck!” in many different ways. So I tried my hardest, while trying not to become a Nazi Zombie in the meantime. I shook my hips, I stepped from side to side and everyone stared cheering and crowding round from all around the arcade. I was doing really well it seemed, but then I felt my shoe slip as I was wearing heels and then suddenly I’m on the floor with my Men’s briefs showing.
“It’s a Man!” Shouted one Girl.
“It’s a Shemale!” Shouted the spotty Boy.
“It’s a Tranny!” Shouted a misinformed Teenage gangster.
My face went Red as anything. I’d never been so embarrassed. I gave excuses like “There’s always a first time for everything” and “Opps sorry, looks like I went in the wrong Wardrobe this Morning and forgot to look in the mirror”. Before I knew it a Man had picked me up and kicked me out once again “You’re lucky I didn’t call the Police mate” He said in a rage. “Your one sick man, at your age you shouldn’t be playing on the Dance Machine with little Girls”. And that there was the end of the case, it was another wasted time moment and I felt the urge to slap that Lady who called the Police in the begging right in the lower jaw. Sadly, she wasn’t around. “A Dance Machine?” I asked “Yes, the Girls always come and slot in there pounds every day, it’s a real money maker and quite fun if you’re fit enough. But you mate, you took it one step too far now get out of here!”
I dragged myself across the Seafront with my head down in shame. I was a loser and I knew it. There was no up and coming Nazi empire, there was no Zombies. Instead little Girls enjoying the latest craze. I thought I was on to something big, well I hoped, but it turns out I wasn't.
A old woman sat on the seawall, “Care for some Cod?” she asked. I slapped her right in the lower jaw.
Here is that very phone call, recorded by Essex Police in 2002:
*Sound of Rollercoaster in background makes for hard hearing*
Lady: “Police?!? Police?!? Is this the Police?”
Police: “Yes, please try and speak up Mam”.
Lady: “Thank god I remembered your number, this is an emergency!”
Police: “Please describe the events occurring Mam”.
Lady: “Well I was just sitting here on the Seawall eating my Cod which cost me £1 and it taste’s like Haddock”
Police: “Is this some kind of joke?”
Lady: “No, no joke, infact it’s very true. I feel I have been ripped off more then ever and that’s a long time my dear”.
Police: “I’m going to have to hang up on you now Mam.”
Lady: “Hold on, I haven’t told you what’s wrong yet!”
Police: “Hurry up please, you are wasting the Polices valuable time”.
Lady: “Sorry, well as I said, I was sitting here eating my Cod when suddenly I saw, believe it or not, Nazi’s!”
Police: “Thank you Mam, I’ll be hanging up now”.
Lady: “No wait! It’s true! A whole line of them marching from right leg to left leg, they looked like Zombies, I felt like standing up on the seawall and shouting NAZI’S! NAZI’S! but I contained myself. I thought I’d ring you to sort it out. I’m in between the arcades of Monte Carlo and New York! New York!”
Police: “Ok then Mam…have a nice day”.
Lady: “Ohhhhh I know, who would of though it eh? The rebirth of the Nazi’s in our very own country”.
*Phone call ends*
One year on and I still play this very recording to myself as it helps me sleep. I feel as though the Police were wrong on this occasion, I was on the lady’s side, but I didn’t know whether on not I was making the right decision. Since December 1998 I felt as though I could never trust an old lady again, that sweet look of a Pensioners face would never trick me another time. Cancelling my Honeymoon to go and see ‘The Flying Dog’ which Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth reported, happened to actually be a very well shaped Cloud. I missed out on one hell of a night to see a Cloud and dare I say it but I slapped Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth right in the lower jaw. But I was going with my instincts on this one, I wanted to know the truth behind the Zombies of Southend Seafront. If it all turned out to be a hoax I’d only have myself to blame, as there’d be no old lady to slap this time. I didn’t even know who the hell she was.
Southend-On-Sea
The Seafront
The Sun shone on the Sea, it was a clear day, the Seagulls were out in all their glory, one even shat on my Jacket. I walked past the famous Pier, it stretched for miles, I could stand and gaze here all day but there was a mission at hand. The place was crowded, it was almost like I was in Ibiza again but I was twice the age and there wasn’t any sexy, half naked women walking around. Still, I could ask the questions I wanted to.
“Monte Carlo?” I said, but I was ignored. Maybe the lady was lying, or maybe she had missed her eye appointment?
“New York? New York?” I asked to a more mature looking fellow. All I got was a strange look and a mouth full of Big Mac.
This town was dirty, the people didn’t even know their own town.
I set out to find the place for myself, amidst the sound of many Arcades machines which were quite frankly doing my head in. I was tempted by the Whack-A-Mole, but I resisted temptation and instead took to the slots. I always was more of a Gentlemen then a self-obsessed Mole Freak.
Whilst playing on the slots I noticed a guy walk past me who had just finished polishing his balls, Bowling balls to the more misinformed person. On his shirt lay a badge, it read ‘John Boar’, I believed him. Below his name lay a logo, it read ‘Monte Carlo’. At last, I was there, and there was no need for a map. I was a living genius.
I walked away after gambling approximately £1 and took time to look around the place they call ‘Monte Carlo’. I sniffed, like a Dog in search of meat, but I smelt no Zombie Nazi’s. After a through check I asked a small boy who was playing on a machine called ‘Crazy Taxi’ about the other arcade the lady had mentioned – ‘New York! New York!’.
“Excuse me…boy.” I proclaimed. He was too interested in his game to even take one look at me, so I talked to his mop for a head. “I’m looking for New York! New York!, know of it?” He kept on looking at the screen testing my nerve. “I have Candy, boy” I said, and with that was grabbed by the back of my collar and thrown out of the arcade. “Get out you dirty pervert!” shouted a bald, well built member of Staff. I dusted myself off whilst I was stared at by a crowd of people. They sniggered and walked off, I on the other hand went on search for the place that would surely hold the Zombies of our nation, the ones who may be turning our country into the placement for World War 3.
It didn’t take much to find ‘New York! New York!’, Infact it was directly nextdoor to the place I had just been quite kindly kicked out of. I walked in, it was a loud place, much larger then ‘Monte Carlo’ and much more professional it seemed. I sniffed, and to my disbelief I smelt it. There, infront of the doorway were a line of innocent Children, they must have been around the ages of 10-14. They stood behind one another, in pairs, lined up and doing the same movements. I looked at these movements in detail and studied all that I could. At one point I remember them doing a marching like action, like the lady had said in her recorded message with the Police. Strangely, they were staring at a screen with music coming out of a arrows pointing where they must step. Was this some kind of crazed invention to create the zombie like actions I was witnessing?
I decided to get closer to the action, to get some more inside information. I approached a girl about the age of 11 who was doing a routine behind the person on the actual machine. “Excuse me there young lady” I said quite kindly, she ignored me after giving me a strange look. Why was I being ignored in this town for? Was it something I was wearing? Was it my hair? It couldn’t of been, I had it cut five months ago. I was going to get an answer out of this girl. “Will you talk to me please! I’m here to ask about what you are doing” And at that point I heard a cry from the other side of the arcade “THERE HE IS!” and with that I was thrown out again. “We don’t want you around here dirty old man!”. Maybe I should of taken the hint? But no, I was going to get to the bottom of this.
By the time I had once again gone through the stares after being kicked out and the usual dusting off of my clothes I looked towards the sky. It was much darker now, the Sun which I once saw in the bright, clear day was setting and I figured it was time to get a room at a Bed & Breakfast somewhere. I would continue my case the morning, but I needed some sort of plan.
The next day I awoke after having hardly any sleep at all. The bed was a stiffer then the floor and that’s why I actually slept on the floor rather then the bed. It was much more comfortable. But the thing that kept me awake was the case at hand, I wanted to get back into the arcade but not get thrown out again for being thought of as a paedophile. I just needed to ask those girls some questions and come to a conclusion on whether or not Nazi’s are once again becoming a breed in our society today.
In the early hours of the morning I set out to Southend High Street. Just below a train bridge sat a busker, and besides him was a shop. A sign displayed the name ‘Claires Accessories’, I entered. After enjoying my time in the rather small store and feeling a bit out of place I left back for my room. This is where the plan would brew into the case solver, it had to be the most genius thing I had ever thought of apart from the time I started cooking Pop Tarts in the Toaster instead of the Microwave. Today Matthew I am going to be a little girl.
With a small skirt nearly showing my Male organs and my hair tied back in Pig Tails I left for the arcade. I swear everyone thought I was a girl, I could see it in the looks they gave me. I never felt so homosexual in my whole life but hey, this was going to work. Well, I crossed my fingers that it would.
As I entered the arcade I got a slight ache in my stomach, it was nerves mixing with the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since midday the day before. The Bed & Breakfast I stayed at offered a Breakfast in the Morning but I passed due to the Bed not being of such high standards. It made sense I thought. There stood a line of girls, once again, different faces but they were girls and they were moving like Soldiers ready for bloody War. I quietly sneaked in at the back of the line and began to try and copy the person infront, it wasn’t working, I just didn’t have the rhythm the other girls but I certainly had the looks. I swear some spotty, middle aged Teenage Boy looked at me as I swung my hips. I wasn’t gay though so I kept it light. Whilst Dancing I heard many conversations. The one which stood out most in particular was from the two girls infront, it went something like this – “Yeah, I’ve got one at home. The Mat and everything and the songs are phat! I’m getting that Party Edition soon, it’s gonna be wicked! Come round and play it sometime yeah?”. Amongst the slang I think I realised what they were talking about. I’ll explain it to you, these girls had this Zombie making machine at home and were using it constantly even when the arcades were shut. This was even worse then I thought.
Time flied as I marched, I didn’t even realise I was actually moving forward and people who had been on were either moving to the back or just leaving the arcade. Soon I was the one standing infront of the machine and soon enough after that it was actually my time to stand on the machine and lead the other Zombie Girls into Nazi heaven. I stood up on the machine after taking a deep swallow, I had a gut feeling that this was going to be bad. “Select one then you tart!” said one of the Girls behind me, she had Ginger hair, I never did like them. I selected one of the items on screen and suddenly music blared out the Speakers to the side. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but the Girls behind me did, whilst they moved they were saying “You suck!” in many different ways. So I tried my hardest, while trying not to become a Nazi Zombie in the meantime. I shook my hips, I stepped from side to side and everyone stared cheering and crowding round from all around the arcade. I was doing really well it seemed, but then I felt my shoe slip as I was wearing heels and then suddenly I’m on the floor with my Men’s briefs showing.
“It’s a Man!” Shouted one Girl.
“It’s a Shemale!” Shouted the spotty Boy.
“It’s a Tranny!” Shouted a misinformed Teenage gangster.
My face went Red as anything. I’d never been so embarrassed. I gave excuses like “There’s always a first time for everything” and “Opps sorry, looks like I went in the wrong Wardrobe this Morning and forgot to look in the mirror”. Before I knew it a Man had picked me up and kicked me out once again “You’re lucky I didn’t call the Police mate” He said in a rage. “Your one sick man, at your age you shouldn’t be playing on the Dance Machine with little Girls”. And that there was the end of the case, it was another wasted time moment and I felt the urge to slap that Lady who called the Police in the begging right in the lower jaw. Sadly, she wasn’t around. “A Dance Machine?” I asked “Yes, the Girls always come and slot in there pounds every day, it’s a real money maker and quite fun if you’re fit enough. But you mate, you took it one step too far now get out of here!”
I dragged myself across the Seafront with my head down in shame. I was a loser and I knew it. There was no up and coming Nazi empire, there was no Zombies. Instead little Girls enjoying the latest craze. I thought I was on to something big, well I hoped, but it turns out I wasn't.
A old woman sat on the seawall, “Care for some Cod?” she asked. I slapped her right in the lower jaw.
Heh, I like crazy stories. Good one.
Strange but oddly amusing last few paragraphs. Thanks for the read.
Sorry that it's a bit long.
But if you take the time to read it, thanks and hope you enjoyed it.
But if you take the time to read it, thanks and hope you enjoyed it.
MWA, you crazy fool!
:-D
:-D
Saturday 3rd August 2002, the Police receive a phone call from what seemed to be a distressed lady in her seventy’s. The phone booth of the recorded phone call lay dead in the centre of one of the United Kingdoms biggest seaside resorts – Southend-on-Sea, at the time when the population peaks there during the Summer Holidays.
Here is that very phone call, recorded by Essex Police in 2002:
*Sound of Rollercoaster in background makes for hard hearing*
Lady: “Police?!? Police?!? Is this the Police?”
Police: “Yes, please try and speak up Mam”.
Lady: “Thank god I remembered your number, this is an emergency!”
Police: “Please describe the events occurring Mam”.
Lady: “Well I was just sitting here on the Seawall eating my Cod which cost me £1 and it taste’s like Haddock”
Police: “Is this some kind of joke?”
Lady: “No, no joke, infact it’s very true. I feel I have been ripped off more then ever and that’s a long time my dear”.
Police: “I’m going to have to hang up on you now Mam.”
Lady: “Hold on, I haven’t told you what’s wrong yet!”
Police: “Hurry up please, you are wasting the Polices valuable time”.
Lady: “Sorry, well as I said, I was sitting here eating my Cod when suddenly I saw, believe it or not, Nazi’s!”
Police: “Thank you Mam, I’ll be hanging up now”.
Lady: “No wait! It’s true! A whole line of them marching from right leg to left leg, they looked like Zombies, I felt like standing up on the seawall and shouting NAZI’S! NAZI’S! but I contained myself. I thought I’d ring you to sort it out. I’m in between the arcades of Monte Carlo and New York! New York!”
Police: “Ok then Mam…have a nice day”.
Lady: “Ohhhhh I know, who would of though it eh? The rebirth of the Nazi’s in our very own country”.
*Phone call ends*
One year on and I still play this very recording to myself as it helps me sleep. I feel as though the Police were wrong on this occasion, I was on the lady’s side, but I didn’t know whether on not I was making the right decision. Since December 1998 I felt as though I could never trust an old lady again, that sweet look of a Pensioners face would never trick me another time. Cancelling my Honeymoon to go and see ‘The Flying Dog’ which Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth reported, happened to actually be a very well shaped Cloud. I missed out on one hell of a night to see a Cloud and dare I say it but I slapped Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth right in the lower jaw. But I was going with my instincts on this one, I wanted to know the truth behind the Zombies of Southend Seafront. If it all turned out to be a hoax I’d only have myself to blame, as there’d be no old lady to slap this time. I didn’t even know who the hell she was.
Southend-On-Sea
The Seafront
The Sun shone on the Sea, it was a clear day, the Seagulls were out in all their glory, one even shat on my Jacket. I walked past the famous Pier, it stretched for miles, I could stand and gaze here all day but there was a mission at hand. The place was crowded, it was almost like I was in Ibiza again but I was twice the age and there wasn’t any sexy, half naked women walking around. Still, I could ask the questions I wanted to.
“Monte Carlo?” I said, but I was ignored. Maybe the lady was lying, or maybe she had missed her eye appointment?
“New York? New York?” I asked to a more mature looking fellow. All I got was a strange look and a mouth full of Big Mac.
This town was dirty, the people didn’t even know their own town.
I set out to find the place for myself, amidst the sound of many Arcades machines which were quite frankly doing my head in. I was tempted by the Whack-A-Mole, but I resisted temptation and instead took to the slots. I always was more of a Gentlemen then a self-obsessed Mole Freak.
Whilst playing on the slots I noticed a guy walk past me who had just finished polishing his balls, Bowling balls to the more misinformed person. On his shirt lay a badge, it read ‘John Boar’, I believed him. Below his name lay a logo, it read ‘Monte Carlo’. At last, I was there, and there was no need for a map. I was a living genius.
I walked away after gambling approximately £1 and took time to look around the place they call ‘Monte Carlo’. I sniffed, like a Dog in search of meat, but I smelt no Zombie Nazi’s. After a through check I asked a small boy who was playing on a machine called ‘Crazy Taxi’ about the other arcade the lady had mentioned – ‘New York! New York!’.
“Excuse me…boy.” I proclaimed. He was too interested in his game to even take one look at me, so I talked to his mop for a head. “I’m looking for New York! New York!, know of it?” He kept on looking at the screen testing my nerve. “I have Candy, boy” I said, and with that was grabbed by the back of my collar and thrown out of the arcade. “Get out you dirty pervert!” shouted a bald, well built member of Staff. I dusted myself off whilst I was stared at by a crowd of people. They sniggered and walked off, I on the other hand went on search for the place that would surely hold the Zombies of our nation, the ones who may be turning our country into the placement for World War 3.
It didn’t take much to find ‘New York! New York!’, Infact it was directly nextdoor to the place I had just been quite kindly kicked out of. I walked in, it was a loud place, much larger then ‘Monte Carlo’ and much more professional it seemed. I sniffed, and to my disbelief I smelt it. There, infront of the doorway were a line of innocent Children, they must have been around the ages of 10-14. They stood behind one another, in pairs, lined up and doing the same movements. I looked at these movements in detail and studied all that I could. At one point I remember them doing a marching like action, like the lady had said in her recorded message with the Police. Strangely, they were staring at a screen with music coming out of a arrows pointing where they must step. Was this some kind of crazed invention to create the zombie like actions I was witnessing?
I decided to get closer to the action, to get some more inside information. I approached a girl about the age of 11 who was doing a routine behind the person on the actual machine. “Excuse me there young lady” I said quite kindly, she ignored me after giving me a strange look. Why was I being ignored in this town for? Was it something I was wearing? Was it my hair? It couldn’t of been, I had it cut five months ago. I was going to get an answer out of this girl. “Will you talk to me please! I’m here to ask about what you are doing” And at that point I heard a cry from the other side of the arcade “THERE HE IS!” and with that I was thrown out again. “We don’t want you around here dirty old man!”. Maybe I should of taken the hint? But no, I was going to get to the bottom of this.
By the time I had once again gone through the stares after being kicked out and the usual dusting off of my clothes I looked towards the sky. It was much darker now, the Sun which I once saw in the bright, clear day was setting and I figured it was time to get a room at a Bed & Breakfast somewhere. I would continue my case the morning, but I needed some sort of plan.
The next day I awoke after having hardly any sleep at all. The bed was a stiffer then the floor and that’s why I actually slept on the floor rather then the bed. It was much more comfortable. But the thing that kept me awake was the case at hand, I wanted to get back into the arcade but not get thrown out again for being thought of as a paedophile. I just needed to ask those girls some questions and come to a conclusion on whether or not Nazi’s are once again becoming a breed in our society today.
In the early hours of the morning I set out to Southend High Street. Just below a train bridge sat a busker, and besides him was a shop. A sign displayed the name ‘Claires Accessories’, I entered. After enjoying my time in the rather small store and feeling a bit out of place I left back for my room. This is where the plan would brew into the case solver, it had to be the most genius thing I had ever thought of apart from the time I started cooking Pop Tarts in the Toaster instead of the Microwave. Today Matthew I am going to be a little girl.
With a small skirt nearly showing my Male organs and my hair tied back in Pig Tails I left for the arcade. I swear everyone thought I was a girl, I could see it in the looks they gave me. I never felt so homosexual in my whole life but hey, this was going to work. Well, I crossed my fingers that it would.
As I entered the arcade I got a slight ache in my stomach, it was nerves mixing with the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since midday the day before. The Bed & Breakfast I stayed at offered a Breakfast in the Morning but I passed due to the Bed not being of such high standards. It made sense I thought. There stood a line of girls, once again, different faces but they were girls and they were moving like Soldiers ready for bloody War. I quietly sneaked in at the back of the line and began to try and copy the person infront, it wasn’t working, I just didn’t have the rhythm the other girls but I certainly had the looks. I swear some spotty, middle aged Teenage Boy looked at me as I swung my hips. I wasn’t gay though so I kept it light. Whilst Dancing I heard many conversations. The one which stood out most in particular was from the two girls infront, it went something like this – “Yeah, I’ve got one at home. The Mat and everything and the songs are phat! I’m getting that Party Edition soon, it’s gonna be wicked! Come round and play it sometime yeah?”. Amongst the slang I think I realised what they were talking about. I’ll explain it to you, these girls had this Zombie making machine at home and were using it constantly even when the arcades were shut. This was even worse then I thought.
Time flied as I marched, I didn’t even realise I was actually moving forward and people who had been on were either moving to the back or just leaving the arcade. Soon I was the one standing infront of the machine and soon enough after that it was actually my time to stand on the machine and lead the other Zombie Girls into Nazi heaven. I stood up on the machine after taking a deep swallow, I had a gut feeling that this was going to be bad. “Select one then you tart!” said one of the Girls behind me, she had Ginger hair, I never did like them. I selected one of the items on screen and suddenly music blared out the Speakers to the side. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but the Girls behind me did, whilst they moved they were saying “You suck!” in many different ways. So I tried my hardest, while trying not to become a Nazi Zombie in the meantime. I shook my hips, I stepped from side to side and everyone stared cheering and crowding round from all around the arcade. I was doing really well it seemed, but then I felt my shoe slip as I was wearing heels and then suddenly I’m on the floor with my Men’s briefs showing.
“It’s a Man!” Shouted one Girl.
“It’s a Shemale!” Shouted the spotty Boy.
“It’s a Tranny!” Shouted a misinformed Teenage gangster.
My face went Red as anything. I’d never been so embarrassed. I gave excuses like “There’s always a first time for everything” and “Opps sorry, looks like I went in the wrong Wardrobe this Morning and forgot to look in the mirror”. Before I knew it a Man had picked me up and kicked me out once again “You’re lucky I didn’t call the Police mate” He said in a rage. “Your one sick man, at your age you shouldn’t be playing on the Dance Machine with little Girls”. And that there was the end of the case, it was another wasted time moment and I felt the urge to slap that Lady who called the Police in the begging right in the lower jaw. Sadly, she wasn’t around. “A Dance Machine?” I asked “Yes, the Girls always come and slot in there pounds every day, it’s a real money maker and quite fun if you’re fit enough. But you mate, you took it one step too far now get out of here!”
I dragged myself across the Seafront with my head down in shame. I was a loser and I knew it. There was no up and coming Nazi empire, there was no Zombies. Instead little Girls enjoying the latest craze. I thought I was on to something big, well I hoped, but it turns out I wasn't.
A old woman sat on the seawall, “Care for some Cod?” she asked. I slapped her right in the lower jaw.
Here is that very phone call, recorded by Essex Police in 2002:
*Sound of Rollercoaster in background makes for hard hearing*
Lady: “Police?!? Police?!? Is this the Police?”
Police: “Yes, please try and speak up Mam”.
Lady: “Thank god I remembered your number, this is an emergency!”
Police: “Please describe the events occurring Mam”.
Lady: “Well I was just sitting here on the Seawall eating my Cod which cost me £1 and it taste’s like Haddock”
Police: “Is this some kind of joke?”
Lady: “No, no joke, infact it’s very true. I feel I have been ripped off more then ever and that’s a long time my dear”.
Police: “I’m going to have to hang up on you now Mam.”
Lady: “Hold on, I haven’t told you what’s wrong yet!”
Police: “Hurry up please, you are wasting the Polices valuable time”.
Lady: “Sorry, well as I said, I was sitting here eating my Cod when suddenly I saw, believe it or not, Nazi’s!”
Police: “Thank you Mam, I’ll be hanging up now”.
Lady: “No wait! It’s true! A whole line of them marching from right leg to left leg, they looked like Zombies, I felt like standing up on the seawall and shouting NAZI’S! NAZI’S! but I contained myself. I thought I’d ring you to sort it out. I’m in between the arcades of Monte Carlo and New York! New York!”
Police: “Ok then Mam…have a nice day”.
Lady: “Ohhhhh I know, who would of though it eh? The rebirth of the Nazi’s in our very own country”.
*Phone call ends*
One year on and I still play this very recording to myself as it helps me sleep. I feel as though the Police were wrong on this occasion, I was on the lady’s side, but I didn’t know whether on not I was making the right decision. Since December 1998 I felt as though I could never trust an old lady again, that sweet look of a Pensioners face would never trick me another time. Cancelling my Honeymoon to go and see ‘The Flying Dog’ which Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth reported, happened to actually be a very well shaped Cloud. I missed out on one hell of a night to see a Cloud and dare I say it but I slapped Edith Clarke, 83 of Portsmouth right in the lower jaw. But I was going with my instincts on this one, I wanted to know the truth behind the Zombies of Southend Seafront. If it all turned out to be a hoax I’d only have myself to blame, as there’d be no old lady to slap this time. I didn’t even know who the hell she was.
Southend-On-Sea
The Seafront
The Sun shone on the Sea, it was a clear day, the Seagulls were out in all their glory, one even shat on my Jacket. I walked past the famous Pier, it stretched for miles, I could stand and gaze here all day but there was a mission at hand. The place was crowded, it was almost like I was in Ibiza again but I was twice the age and there wasn’t any sexy, half naked women walking around. Still, I could ask the questions I wanted to.
“Monte Carlo?” I said, but I was ignored. Maybe the lady was lying, or maybe she had missed her eye appointment?
“New York? New York?” I asked to a more mature looking fellow. All I got was a strange look and a mouth full of Big Mac.
This town was dirty, the people didn’t even know their own town.
I set out to find the place for myself, amidst the sound of many Arcades machines which were quite frankly doing my head in. I was tempted by the Whack-A-Mole, but I resisted temptation and instead took to the slots. I always was more of a Gentlemen then a self-obsessed Mole Freak.
Whilst playing on the slots I noticed a guy walk past me who had just finished polishing his balls, Bowling balls to the more misinformed person. On his shirt lay a badge, it read ‘John Boar’, I believed him. Below his name lay a logo, it read ‘Monte Carlo’. At last, I was there, and there was no need for a map. I was a living genius.
I walked away after gambling approximately £1 and took time to look around the place they call ‘Monte Carlo’. I sniffed, like a Dog in search of meat, but I smelt no Zombie Nazi’s. After a through check I asked a small boy who was playing on a machine called ‘Crazy Taxi’ about the other arcade the lady had mentioned – ‘New York! New York!’.
“Excuse me…boy.” I proclaimed. He was too interested in his game to even take one look at me, so I talked to his mop for a head. “I’m looking for New York! New York!, know of it?” He kept on looking at the screen testing my nerve. “I have Candy, boy” I said, and with that was grabbed by the back of my collar and thrown out of the arcade. “Get out you dirty pervert!” shouted a bald, well built member of Staff. I dusted myself off whilst I was stared at by a crowd of people. They sniggered and walked off, I on the other hand went on search for the place that would surely hold the Zombies of our nation, the ones who may be turning our country into the placement for World War 3.
It didn’t take much to find ‘New York! New York!’, Infact it was directly nextdoor to the place I had just been quite kindly kicked out of. I walked in, it was a loud place, much larger then ‘Monte Carlo’ and much more professional it seemed. I sniffed, and to my disbelief I smelt it. There, infront of the doorway were a line of innocent Children, they must have been around the ages of 10-14. They stood behind one another, in pairs, lined up and doing the same movements. I looked at these movements in detail and studied all that I could. At one point I remember them doing a marching like action, like the lady had said in her recorded message with the Police. Strangely, they were staring at a screen with music coming out of a arrows pointing where they must step. Was this some kind of crazed invention to create the zombie like actions I was witnessing?
I decided to get closer to the action, to get some more inside information. I approached a girl about the age of 11 who was doing a routine behind the person on the actual machine. “Excuse me there young lady” I said quite kindly, she ignored me after giving me a strange look. Why was I being ignored in this town for? Was it something I was wearing? Was it my hair? It couldn’t of been, I had it cut five months ago. I was going to get an answer out of this girl. “Will you talk to me please! I’m here to ask about what you are doing” And at that point I heard a cry from the other side of the arcade “THERE HE IS!” and with that I was thrown out again. “We don’t want you around here dirty old man!”. Maybe I should of taken the hint? But no, I was going to get to the bottom of this.
By the time I had once again gone through the stares after being kicked out and the usual dusting off of my clothes I looked towards the sky. It was much darker now, the Sun which I once saw in the bright, clear day was setting and I figured it was time to get a room at a Bed & Breakfast somewhere. I would continue my case the morning, but I needed some sort of plan.
The next day I awoke after having hardly any sleep at all. The bed was a stiffer then the floor and that’s why I actually slept on the floor rather then the bed. It was much more comfortable. But the thing that kept me awake was the case at hand, I wanted to get back into the arcade but not get thrown out again for being thought of as a paedophile. I just needed to ask those girls some questions and come to a conclusion on whether or not Nazi’s are once again becoming a breed in our society today.
In the early hours of the morning I set out to Southend High Street. Just below a train bridge sat a busker, and besides him was a shop. A sign displayed the name ‘Claires Accessories’, I entered. After enjoying my time in the rather small store and feeling a bit out of place I left back for my room. This is where the plan would brew into the case solver, it had to be the most genius thing I had ever thought of apart from the time I started cooking Pop Tarts in the Toaster instead of the Microwave. Today Matthew I am going to be a little girl.
With a small skirt nearly showing my Male organs and my hair tied back in Pig Tails I left for the arcade. I swear everyone thought I was a girl, I could see it in the looks they gave me. I never felt so homosexual in my whole life but hey, this was going to work. Well, I crossed my fingers that it would.
As I entered the arcade I got a slight ache in my stomach, it was nerves mixing with the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since midday the day before. The Bed & Breakfast I stayed at offered a Breakfast in the Morning but I passed due to the Bed not being of such high standards. It made sense I thought. There stood a line of girls, once again, different faces but they were girls and they were moving like Soldiers ready for bloody War. I quietly sneaked in at the back of the line and began to try and copy the person infront, it wasn’t working, I just didn’t have the rhythm the other girls but I certainly had the looks. I swear some spotty, middle aged Teenage Boy looked at me as I swung my hips. I wasn’t gay though so I kept it light. Whilst Dancing I heard many conversations. The one which stood out most in particular was from the two girls infront, it went something like this – “Yeah, I’ve got one at home. The Mat and everything and the songs are phat! I’m getting that Party Edition soon, it’s gonna be wicked! Come round and play it sometime yeah?”. Amongst the slang I think I realised what they were talking about. I’ll explain it to you, these girls had this Zombie making machine at home and were using it constantly even when the arcades were shut. This was even worse then I thought.
Time flied as I marched, I didn’t even realise I was actually moving forward and people who had been on were either moving to the back or just leaving the arcade. Soon I was the one standing infront of the machine and soon enough after that it was actually my time to stand on the machine and lead the other Zombie Girls into Nazi heaven. I stood up on the machine after taking a deep swallow, I had a gut feeling that this was going to be bad. “Select one then you tart!” said one of the Girls behind me, she had Ginger hair, I never did like them. I selected one of the items on screen and suddenly music blared out the Speakers to the side. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing but the Girls behind me did, whilst they moved they were saying “You suck!” in many different ways. So I tried my hardest, while trying not to become a Nazi Zombie in the meantime. I shook my hips, I stepped from side to side and everyone stared cheering and crowding round from all around the arcade. I was doing really well it seemed, but then I felt my shoe slip as I was wearing heels and then suddenly I’m on the floor with my Men’s briefs showing.
“It’s a Man!” Shouted one Girl.
“It’s a Shemale!” Shouted the spotty Boy.
“It’s a Tranny!” Shouted a misinformed Teenage gangster.
My face went Red as anything. I’d never been so embarrassed. I gave excuses like “There’s always a first time for everything” and “Opps sorry, looks like I went in the wrong Wardrobe this Morning and forgot to look in the mirror”. Before I knew it a Man had picked me up and kicked me out once again “You’re lucky I didn’t call the Police mate” He said in a rage. “Your one sick man, at your age you shouldn’t be playing on the Dance Machine with little Girls”. And that there was the end of the case, it was another wasted time moment and I felt the urge to slap that Lady who called the Police in the begging right in the lower jaw. Sadly, she wasn’t around. “A Dance Machine?” I asked “Yes, the Girls always come and slot in there pounds every day, it’s a real money maker and quite fun if you’re fit enough. But you mate, you took it one step too far now get out of here!”
I dragged myself across the Seafront with my head down in shame. I was a loser and I knew it. There was no up and coming Nazi empire, there was no Zombies. Instead little Girls enjoying the latest craze. I thought I was on to something big, well I hoped, but it turns out I wasn't.
A old woman sat on the seawall, “Care for some Cod?” she asked. I slapped her right in the lower jaw.