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Every evil empire needs henchmen. They are the gel that holds the wicked plots together and yet they are the cannon fodder for secret agents and super-heroes alike. Without the henchman who would carry out the fiendish plots? The evil genius may come up with a plan to control the world, but as his main duty is to stroke furry mammals and cackle, they don't get a whole lot of work done. No, it's the henchmen, the stooges that get all of the work done behind the scenes. It is they that build incredible bases beneath the sea. It is they that lug heavy boxes around. It is they that press the buttons that control powerful lasers. It is they that all wear matching clothes, setting them aside from any regular Joe that may stumble upon them.
So how would you go about becoming a henchman? And how would you survive in such a demanding job? That's what this guide is all about, how to get in as a henchman, how to act when you are there, and how to rise through the ranks to be right hand man to the true villain.
So, where do you start? How do you go from being unemployed or in a regular job, to being gainfully employed as a henchman? Well, the answer is easier than you'd think, because criminal masterminds often advertise in the local press. A typical advertisement for a henchman's job may read a little something like this:
Are you tired of working the 9-5 for an organisation that doesn't achieve anything?
Are you sick of spending day after day in a job that doesn't matter?
Then why not work for an organisation that has ambition, that can put you in exotic working locations, and offer hugely varying and exciting projects?
Here at the World Domination Group we can offer just that, but only to those that share our drive and ambition.
If you want to work for a company that aims to take over the world we want to hear from you. We are currently hiring in a number of areas, so please state which position you would like to apply for, and enclose a CV and covering letter explaining why you wish to work for the World Domination Group.
General Henchman
Duties will include moving boxes around huge warehouses, loading up submarines with diamonds and shooting at spies that try to infiltrate the base. Previous experience an advantage, but not necessary.
Forklift Driver
Based in out warehouse, you will shift around boxes, and try to run down spies. Experience in hand-to-hand combat and a fork lift driving licence required.
Engineers
Required to design and build a unique transport system around the base, perhaps bubble cars. Other duties will include creating laser-firing mechanisms. Professional qualification preferred, as well as at least three years experience.
Heavies
Duties will include giving beatings to anyone that crosses us and kidnapping useful hostages and scientists. Please provide evidence of having served prison time for an act of violence.
Kitten Groomer
In order for out evil mastermind to be at his most devious he will need his kitten to be kept in top condition. Previous experience tending for soft mammals required.
Please send all applications to:
The Evil HR Dept
The World Domination Group
Megalomania Mansion
Volcano Mouth
Hidden Island in the Pacific
As you can see from this advertisement, evil corporations will hire people of all skill levels for various positions within the company. Even if you don't have the qualifications for an engineer of fork lift driver if you go in at an entry level position of general henchperson you would be given on the job training, and could end up working anywhere within the company. If you show sadistic tendencies in your job as a general henchman you could be promoted to the level of 'Heavy', or even go into torture.
If you're a science whiz, I'm afraid you may be out of luck. More often than not evil corporations will not hire such people, but kidnap them instead. That way they don't have to pay them, or give them other employment benefits, like access to the gym, or pension plan.
Notice that the address of this company is in a location you would associate with an evil organisation, and beware of so called criminal masterminds trying to operate out of bed sits in Peckham.
Always research the corporation before you apply, as the following case study will show:
When Jim Bradshaw received an envelope branded with the 'Cruelco Co.' logo he was not surprised, and figured that it would just be another rejection letter. But when he opened the letter and read it he realised that he had been offered a position as General Henchman/Heavy. He was over the moon.
"I couldn't believe that I'd been offered the job without even having to go for an interview. I was shocked, but very pleased after having been unemployed for such a long time"
Unfortunately his joy was short lived. When Jim turned up at 'Cruelco Co's underground lair it turned out to be nothing more than a basement flat. But from tiny molehills have great mountains grown, thought Jim as he waited to meet the evil mastermind behind the company, Doctor Uncouth.
"Even though the flat was small, I had heard big things about the Doctor. His legitimate T-shirt printing business was doing quite well, and was a strong front for anything evil that he could have wanted to do. When I met him though it turned out to be a disappointment. He was scatty and disorganised, and didn't look much like the criminal masterminds on the TV at all."
Worse was to come for Jim when Doctor Uncouth talked him through the plans for 'Cruelco Co'.
"Doctor Uncouth lacked ambition. Rather than holding the world to ransom with a flock of killer bees, which was my idea, he wanted to steal teddy bears from the fair when it came to town. He said it would lead to bigger things, so I went along with it, but all we did after that was set up illegal candy-floss stalls around the region. My dreams were shattered."
Things could have been so different had Jim had done his research. Firstly, the legitimate front for the business needs to be big. You can only hide a huge evil organisation behind a huge legitimate one. Don't apply for a job that has a front as a shoe repairer, go for one that pretends to be an international finance company or something.
Research the evil mastermind. The best way to do this is to find out where they went to school, go to Friends Reunited, and get information from those they went to school with. If it turns out that your so-called evil genius was a pathetic loser, chances are things haven't changed. If, however, he had a history of blowing up science rooms and planting cruel traps for teachers, he could be the man to work for.
Never take a job without interview. Even if just over the phone, you need to check that the company shares your ambition.
Finally, try to get in touch with someone that already works for the company to see if there is a good working environment, and whether it will be all that you hope.
Once you have done all of this, you will be ready to apply for the job, just as long as this is indeed the right job for you.
You don't have to wait to see a job advertised in the paper. Some evil organisations would be encouraged by your keenness if you were to send a letter and CV on spec. Evil corporations are always looking to expand, and if you can send out that letter at the right time, they may call you in for an interview, saving them having to advertise the position. Just as long as the CV and letter are okay.
Your CV will require a makeover for you to be considered as a henchman. Rather than listing qualifications gained at school, list exclusions, suspensions and expulsions.
List any gangs that you were a part of, and any illegal activities that you partook in.
If you served any prison time, even in a young offender’s institute, also list this.
If you do have any relevant qualifications, such as in the art of ninjitsu, list these also.
Perhaps the most important part of the CV will be where you list your personal qualities and achievements though, as from these your future employer will be able to decide whether you will be able to fit into the organisation.
Here is a selection of parts from a sample CV, again using Jim Bradshaw as an example.
Education:
1976-1978 Edgware Pre-School
Suspended for a week for hitting Stuart in the face with a toy tractor, then shoving some Lego up his nose. He tried to steal my biscuit, and got what he deserved.
1978-1983 Edgware Primary School
Excluded for a week after trying to switch year 4 exam papers.
Expelled for drawing a chalk outline on the floor, and claiming that I was going to murder the teacher.
1983-1984: Basington Primary for Boys
Whole term spent in exclusion after being caught stealing lunch money.
1984-1986 Edgware Secondary School
Suspended for sabotaging the breaks of the bicycles of my enemies.
Expelled for setting light to the stig bin in the changing rooms.
1986-1989 Knotsworth County Secondary School
Permanently excluded after my protection racket on the tuck shop was uncovered.
Prison:
HM Prison Gregarson
Spent time inside for my part in a robbery on a local bookies. My sentence was twice extended for assaulting screws.
Hobbies:
I'm a big fan of football violence, and actively pursue this in and around the grounds of the local teams here. I also enjoy weight training and boxing.
Personal Qualities:
Ambitious - I have goals I want to achieve, and I won't stop until I do.
Aggressive - I apply my aggression in everything I do, as it helps get results, especially against others.
Persistent - I don't stop until I have achieved what I have to. If the nose doesn't bleed, just keep punching, that's my motto!
Stamina - I can work for long hours without requiring a break.
Personal Achievements
Cutting off a mans legs in under 10 minutes has to be my greatest achievement, beating my previous record of 13 minutes. I have proved to be successful in business too, running a number of profitable protection rackets since my school days. However, I feel that this is relatively small scale, and I now would like to move on to being part of a larger organisation hell bent on ruling the world.
Whilst Jim's CV is a little rough around the edges, it has all of the necessary information, as well as painting a picture that an evil criminal mastermind would be interested in seeing more of.
Of course, you do have to tailor the CV to the type of evil organisation that you plan to work for. It's no good focusing on the violent side if they tend to be more about manipulation and sneakiness. Again, this is where your research will pay dividends.
Once you have completed the CV the final step is the covering letter. The most important thing to include is a good reason why you want the job, and why you would be good for the job. Take a look at part of Jim Bradshaw's as an example.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed my CV. I would like to be considered for your position of Henchman. As you can see from my CV, I have a history of violent acts, which I feel would benefit your organisation. I am able to use my skills to keep control of a situation, and ensure that things get done, and done properly. I feel that I would fit into your organisation well as I am an ambitious person, and can see that you are going somewhere. I would work to the maximum of my ability to make sure that we both achieve our goals in a long and fruitful working relationship.
If you require any further information, please feel free to contact me.
Yours...
As you can see, the letter is kept quite brief, as most of the information is in the CV. There are a few important points thrown in, which should be enough to do it's job, to get Jim an interview. Afterall, that's all that you apply for the job in this way for, in order to get a chance to really show what you can do!
Be sure to look out for part 2 of the henchman's guide in which the interview will be covered in depth. What to wear, what not to wear, what to say, what not to say, plus those all important questions that will not only ensure that this is the right job for you, but also tell the interviewer that you're the right person for them.
So how would you go about becoming a henchman? And how would you survive in such a demanding job? That's what this guide is all about, how to get in as a henchman, how to act when you are there, and how to rise through the ranks to be right hand man to the true villain.
So, where do you start? How do you go from being unemployed or in a regular job, to being gainfully employed as a henchman? Well, the answer is easier than you'd think, because criminal masterminds often advertise in the local press. A typical advertisement for a henchman's job may read a little something like this:
Are you tired of working the 9-5 for an organisation that doesn't achieve anything?
Are you sick of spending day after day in a job that doesn't matter?
Then why not work for an organisation that has ambition, that can put you in exotic working locations, and offer hugely varying and exciting projects?
Here at the World Domination Group we can offer just that, but only to those that share our drive and ambition.
If you want to work for a company that aims to take over the world we want to hear from you. We are currently hiring in a number of areas, so please state which position you would like to apply for, and enclose a CV and covering letter explaining why you wish to work for the World Domination Group.
General Henchman
Duties will include moving boxes around huge warehouses, loading up submarines with diamonds and shooting at spies that try to infiltrate the base. Previous experience an advantage, but not necessary.
Forklift Driver
Based in out warehouse, you will shift around boxes, and try to run down spies. Experience in hand-to-hand combat and a fork lift driving licence required.
Engineers
Required to design and build a unique transport system around the base, perhaps bubble cars. Other duties will include creating laser-firing mechanisms. Professional qualification preferred, as well as at least three years experience.
Heavies
Duties will include giving beatings to anyone that crosses us and kidnapping useful hostages and scientists. Please provide evidence of having served prison time for an act of violence.
Kitten Groomer
In order for out evil mastermind to be at his most devious he will need his kitten to be kept in top condition. Previous experience tending for soft mammals required.
Please send all applications to:
The Evil HR Dept
The World Domination Group
Megalomania Mansion
Volcano Mouth
Hidden Island in the Pacific
As you can see from this advertisement, evil corporations will hire people of all skill levels for various positions within the company. Even if you don't have the qualifications for an engineer of fork lift driver if you go in at an entry level position of general henchperson you would be given on the job training, and could end up working anywhere within the company. If you show sadistic tendencies in your job as a general henchman you could be promoted to the level of 'Heavy', or even go into torture.
If you're a science whiz, I'm afraid you may be out of luck. More often than not evil corporations will not hire such people, but kidnap them instead. That way they don't have to pay them, or give them other employment benefits, like access to the gym, or pension plan.
Notice that the address of this company is in a location you would associate with an evil organisation, and beware of so called criminal masterminds trying to operate out of bed sits in Peckham.
Always research the corporation before you apply, as the following case study will show:
When Jim Bradshaw received an envelope branded with the 'Cruelco Co.' logo he was not surprised, and figured that it would just be another rejection letter. But when he opened the letter and read it he realised that he had been offered a position as General Henchman/Heavy. He was over the moon.
"I couldn't believe that I'd been offered the job without even having to go for an interview. I was shocked, but very pleased after having been unemployed for such a long time"
Unfortunately his joy was short lived. When Jim turned up at 'Cruelco Co's underground lair it turned out to be nothing more than a basement flat. But from tiny molehills have great mountains grown, thought Jim as he waited to meet the evil mastermind behind the company, Doctor Uncouth.
"Even though the flat was small, I had heard big things about the Doctor. His legitimate T-shirt printing business was doing quite well, and was a strong front for anything evil that he could have wanted to do. When I met him though it turned out to be a disappointment. He was scatty and disorganised, and didn't look much like the criminal masterminds on the TV at all."
Worse was to come for Jim when Doctor Uncouth talked him through the plans for 'Cruelco Co'.
"Doctor Uncouth lacked ambition. Rather than holding the world to ransom with a flock of killer bees, which was my idea, he wanted to steal teddy bears from the fair when it came to town. He said it would lead to bigger things, so I went along with it, but all we did after that was set up illegal candy-floss stalls around the region. My dreams were shattered."
Things could have been so different had Jim had done his research. Firstly, the legitimate front for the business needs to be big. You can only hide a huge evil organisation behind a huge legitimate one. Don't apply for a job that has a front as a shoe repairer, go for one that pretends to be an international finance company or something.
Research the evil mastermind. The best way to do this is to find out where they went to school, go to Friends Reunited, and get information from those they went to school with. If it turns out that your so-called evil genius was a pathetic loser, chances are things haven't changed. If, however, he had a history of blowing up science rooms and planting cruel traps for teachers, he could be the man to work for.
Never take a job without interview. Even if just over the phone, you need to check that the company shares your ambition.
Finally, try to get in touch with someone that already works for the company to see if there is a good working environment, and whether it will be all that you hope.
Once you have done all of this, you will be ready to apply for the job, just as long as this is indeed the right job for you.
You don't have to wait to see a job advertised in the paper. Some evil organisations would be encouraged by your keenness if you were to send a letter and CV on spec. Evil corporations are always looking to expand, and if you can send out that letter at the right time, they may call you in for an interview, saving them having to advertise the position. Just as long as the CV and letter are okay.
Your CV will require a makeover for you to be considered as a henchman. Rather than listing qualifications gained at school, list exclusions, suspensions and expulsions.
List any gangs that you were a part of, and any illegal activities that you partook in.
If you served any prison time, even in a young offender’s institute, also list this.
If you do have any relevant qualifications, such as in the art of ninjitsu, list these also.
Perhaps the most important part of the CV will be where you list your personal qualities and achievements though, as from these your future employer will be able to decide whether you will be able to fit into the organisation.
Here is a selection of parts from a sample CV, again using Jim Bradshaw as an example.
Education:
1976-1978 Edgware Pre-School
Suspended for a week for hitting Stuart in the face with a toy tractor, then shoving some Lego up his nose. He tried to steal my biscuit, and got what he deserved.
1978-1983 Edgware Primary School
Excluded for a week after trying to switch year 4 exam papers.
Expelled for drawing a chalk outline on the floor, and claiming that I was going to murder the teacher.
1983-1984: Basington Primary for Boys
Whole term spent in exclusion after being caught stealing lunch money.
1984-1986 Edgware Secondary School
Suspended for sabotaging the breaks of the bicycles of my enemies.
Expelled for setting light to the stig bin in the changing rooms.
1986-1989 Knotsworth County Secondary School
Permanently excluded after my protection racket on the tuck shop was uncovered.
Prison:
HM Prison Gregarson
Spent time inside for my part in a robbery on a local bookies. My sentence was twice extended for assaulting screws.
Hobbies:
I'm a big fan of football violence, and actively pursue this in and around the grounds of the local teams here. I also enjoy weight training and boxing.
Personal Qualities:
Ambitious - I have goals I want to achieve, and I won't stop until I do.
Aggressive - I apply my aggression in everything I do, as it helps get results, especially against others.
Persistent - I don't stop until I have achieved what I have to. If the nose doesn't bleed, just keep punching, that's my motto!
Stamina - I can work for long hours without requiring a break.
Personal Achievements
Cutting off a mans legs in under 10 minutes has to be my greatest achievement, beating my previous record of 13 minutes. I have proved to be successful in business too, running a number of profitable protection rackets since my school days. However, I feel that this is relatively small scale, and I now would like to move on to being part of a larger organisation hell bent on ruling the world.
Whilst Jim's CV is a little rough around the edges, it has all of the necessary information, as well as painting a picture that an evil criminal mastermind would be interested in seeing more of.
Of course, you do have to tailor the CV to the type of evil organisation that you plan to work for. It's no good focusing on the violent side if they tend to be more about manipulation and sneakiness. Again, this is where your research will pay dividends.
Once you have completed the CV the final step is the covering letter. The most important thing to include is a good reason why you want the job, and why you would be good for the job. Take a look at part of Jim Bradshaw's as an example.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed my CV. I would like to be considered for your position of Henchman. As you can see from my CV, I have a history of violent acts, which I feel would benefit your organisation. I am able to use my skills to keep control of a situation, and ensure that things get done, and done properly. I feel that I would fit into your organisation well as I am an ambitious person, and can see that you are going somewhere. I would work to the maximum of my ability to make sure that we both achieve our goals in a long and fruitful working relationship.
If you require any further information, please feel free to contact me.
Yours...
As you can see, the letter is kept quite brief, as most of the information is in the CV. There are a few important points thrown in, which should be enough to do it's job, to get Jim an interview. Afterall, that's all that you apply for the job in this way for, in order to get a chance to really show what you can do!
Be sure to look out for part 2 of the henchman's guide in which the interview will be covered in depth. What to wear, what not to wear, what to say, what not to say, plus those all important questions that will not only ensure that this is the right job for you, but also tell the interviewer that you're the right person for them.
Blank wrote:
> Cheers Meka!
>
> See you at the competition! If I get in. And of course I mean
> metaphorically see you. By the way, do they send a confirmation email?
I got a confirmation, though I did register via post, rather than online.
> Cheers Meka!
>
> See you at the competition! If I get in. And of course I mean
> metaphorically see you. By the way, do they send a confirmation email?
I got a confirmation, though I did register via post, rather than online.
Brilliant, Meka.
Very funny too.
Gid stuff!
:-D
Very funny too.
Gid stuff!
:-D
Cheers Meka!
See you at the competition! If I get in. And of course I mean metaphorically see you. By the way, do they send a confirmation email?
See you at the competition! If I get in. And of course I mean metaphorically see you. By the way, do they send a confirmation email?
Excellent.
I've been reading that in a second box for the past 10 minutes. One of the most unique things I've seen on the forums - also seemed to remind me countless times of Austin Powers, although I don't know why, besides the spy elements in that film.
I've been reading that in a second box for the past 10 minutes. One of the most unique things I've seen on the forums - also seemed to remind me countless times of Austin Powers, although I don't know why, besides the spy elements in that film.
Really funny and interesting post there. Well done. The tuck shop racket has given me a few ideas...
Blank wrote:
> (PS, what was the URL for that competition you've entered? I think i
> want to enter now but can't remember the address. It's probably
> already full anyway)
http://www.writelink.dabsol.co.uk/
Then follow the links to the weekender challenge.
It's April 13th + 14th, I think.
Doesn't say it's full, but the site is only updated once a month.
> (PS, what was the URL for that competition you've entered? I think i
> want to enter now but can't remember the address. It's probably
> already full anyway)
http://www.writelink.dabsol.co.uk/
Then follow the links to the weekender challenge.
It's April 13th + 14th, I think.
Doesn't say it's full, but the site is only updated once a month.
Also not being able to disarm an intruder unless helped by five other henchman, and a complete inability to see an impending karate chop.
Brilliant work Meka. And very long!
(PS, what was the URL for that competition you've entered? I think i want to enter now but can't remember the address. It's probably already full anyway)
Brilliant work Meka. And very long!
(PS, what was the URL for that competition you've entered? I think i want to enter now but can't remember the address. It's probably already full anyway)
Absolute genius. I'd have thought being a terrible shot and having a degree in acrobatics would be a must too.
Every evil empire needs henchmen. They are the gel that holds the wicked plots together and yet they are the cannon fodder for secret agents and super-heroes alike. Without the henchman who would carry out the fiendish plots? The evil genius may come up with a plan to control the world, but as his main duty is to stroke furry mammals and cackle, they don't get a whole lot of work done. No, it's the henchmen, the stooges that get all of the work done behind the scenes. It is they that build incredible bases beneath the sea. It is they that lug heavy boxes around. It is they that press the buttons that control powerful lasers. It is they that all wear matching clothes, setting them aside from any regular Joe that may stumble upon them.
So how would you go about becoming a henchman? And how would you survive in such a demanding job? That's what this guide is all about, how to get in as a henchman, how to act when you are there, and how to rise through the ranks to be right hand man to the true villain.
So, where do you start? How do you go from being unemployed or in a regular job, to being gainfully employed as a henchman? Well, the answer is easier than you'd think, because criminal masterminds often advertise in the local press. A typical advertisement for a henchman's job may read a little something like this:
Are you tired of working the 9-5 for an organisation that doesn't achieve anything?
Are you sick of spending day after day in a job that doesn't matter?
Then why not work for an organisation that has ambition, that can put you in exotic working locations, and offer hugely varying and exciting projects?
Here at the World Domination Group we can offer just that, but only to those that share our drive and ambition.
If you want to work for a company that aims to take over the world we want to hear from you. We are currently hiring in a number of areas, so please state which position you would like to apply for, and enclose a CV and covering letter explaining why you wish to work for the World Domination Group.
General Henchman
Duties will include moving boxes around huge warehouses, loading up submarines with diamonds and shooting at spies that try to infiltrate the base. Previous experience an advantage, but not necessary.
Forklift Driver
Based in out warehouse, you will shift around boxes, and try to run down spies. Experience in hand-to-hand combat and a fork lift driving licence required.
Engineers
Required to design and build a unique transport system around the base, perhaps bubble cars. Other duties will include creating laser-firing mechanisms. Professional qualification preferred, as well as at least three years experience.
Heavies
Duties will include giving beatings to anyone that crosses us and kidnapping useful hostages and scientists. Please provide evidence of having served prison time for an act of violence.
Kitten Groomer
In order for out evil mastermind to be at his most devious he will need his kitten to be kept in top condition. Previous experience tending for soft mammals required.
Please send all applications to:
The Evil HR Dept
The World Domination Group
Megalomania Mansion
Volcano Mouth
Hidden Island in the Pacific
As you can see from this advertisement, evil corporations will hire people of all skill levels for various positions within the company. Even if you don't have the qualifications for an engineer of fork lift driver if you go in at an entry level position of general henchperson you would be given on the job training, and could end up working anywhere within the company. If you show sadistic tendencies in your job as a general henchman you could be promoted to the level of 'Heavy', or even go into torture.
If you're a science whiz, I'm afraid you may be out of luck. More often than not evil corporations will not hire such people, but kidnap them instead. That way they don't have to pay them, or give them other employment benefits, like access to the gym, or pension plan.
Notice that the address of this company is in a location you would associate with an evil organisation, and beware of so called criminal masterminds trying to operate out of bed sits in Peckham.
Always research the corporation before you apply, as the following case study will show:
When Jim Bradshaw received an envelope branded with the 'Cruelco Co.' logo he was not surprised, and figured that it would just be another rejection letter. But when he opened the letter and read it he realised that he had been offered a position as General Henchman/Heavy. He was over the moon.
"I couldn't believe that I'd been offered the job without even having to go for an interview. I was shocked, but very pleased after having been unemployed for such a long time"
Unfortunately his joy was short lived. When Jim turned up at 'Cruelco Co's underground lair it turned out to be nothing more than a basement flat. But from tiny molehills have great mountains grown, thought Jim as he waited to meet the evil mastermind behind the company, Doctor Uncouth.
"Even though the flat was small, I had heard big things about the Doctor. His legitimate T-shirt printing business was doing quite well, and was a strong front for anything evil that he could have wanted to do. When I met him though it turned out to be a disappointment. He was scatty and disorganised, and didn't look much like the criminal masterminds on the TV at all."
Worse was to come for Jim when Doctor Uncouth talked him through the plans for 'Cruelco Co'.
"Doctor Uncouth lacked ambition. Rather than holding the world to ransom with a flock of killer bees, which was my idea, he wanted to steal teddy bears from the fair when it came to town. He said it would lead to bigger things, so I went along with it, but all we did after that was set up illegal candy-floss stalls around the region. My dreams were shattered."
Things could have been so different had Jim had done his research. Firstly, the legitimate front for the business needs to be big. You can only hide a huge evil organisation behind a huge legitimate one. Don't apply for a job that has a front as a shoe repairer, go for one that pretends to be an international finance company or something.
Research the evil mastermind. The best way to do this is to find out where they went to school, go to Friends Reunited, and get information from those they went to school with. If it turns out that your so-called evil genius was a pathetic loser, chances are things haven't changed. If, however, he had a history of blowing up science rooms and planting cruel traps for teachers, he could be the man to work for.
Never take a job without interview. Even if just over the phone, you need to check that the company shares your ambition.
Finally, try to get in touch with someone that already works for the company to see if there is a good working environment, and whether it will be all that you hope.
Once you have done all of this, you will be ready to apply for the job, just as long as this is indeed the right job for you.
You don't have to wait to see a job advertised in the paper. Some evil organisations would be encouraged by your keenness if you were to send a letter and CV on spec. Evil corporations are always looking to expand, and if you can send out that letter at the right time, they may call you in for an interview, saving them having to advertise the position. Just as long as the CV and letter are okay.
Your CV will require a makeover for you to be considered as a henchman. Rather than listing qualifications gained at school, list exclusions, suspensions and expulsions.
List any gangs that you were a part of, and any illegal activities that you partook in.
If you served any prison time, even in a young offender’s institute, also list this.
If you do have any relevant qualifications, such as in the art of ninjitsu, list these also.
Perhaps the most important part of the CV will be where you list your personal qualities and achievements though, as from these your future employer will be able to decide whether you will be able to fit into the organisation.
Here is a selection of parts from a sample CV, again using Jim Bradshaw as an example.
Education:
1976-1978 Edgware Pre-School
Suspended for a week for hitting Stuart in the face with a toy tractor, then shoving some Lego up his nose. He tried to steal my biscuit, and got what he deserved.
1978-1983 Edgware Primary School
Excluded for a week after trying to switch year 4 exam papers.
Expelled for drawing a chalk outline on the floor, and claiming that I was going to murder the teacher.
1983-1984: Basington Primary for Boys
Whole term spent in exclusion after being caught stealing lunch money.
1984-1986 Edgware Secondary School
Suspended for sabotaging the breaks of the bicycles of my enemies.
Expelled for setting light to the stig bin in the changing rooms.
1986-1989 Knotsworth County Secondary School
Permanently excluded after my protection racket on the tuck shop was uncovered.
Prison:
HM Prison Gregarson
Spent time inside for my part in a robbery on a local bookies. My sentence was twice extended for assaulting screws.
Hobbies:
I'm a big fan of football violence, and actively pursue this in and around the grounds of the local teams here. I also enjoy weight training and boxing.
Personal Qualities:
Ambitious - I have goals I want to achieve, and I won't stop until I do.
Aggressive - I apply my aggression in everything I do, as it helps get results, especially against others.
Persistent - I don't stop until I have achieved what I have to. If the nose doesn't bleed, just keep punching, that's my motto!
Stamina - I can work for long hours without requiring a break.
Personal Achievements
Cutting off a mans legs in under 10 minutes has to be my greatest achievement, beating my previous record of 13 minutes. I have proved to be successful in business too, running a number of profitable protection rackets since my school days. However, I feel that this is relatively small scale, and I now would like to move on to being part of a larger organisation hell bent on ruling the world.
Whilst Jim's CV is a little rough around the edges, it has all of the necessary information, as well as painting a picture that an evil criminal mastermind would be interested in seeing more of.
Of course, you do have to tailor the CV to the type of evil organisation that you plan to work for. It's no good focusing on the violent side if they tend to be more about manipulation and sneakiness. Again, this is where your research will pay dividends.
Once you have completed the CV the final step is the covering letter. The most important thing to include is a good reason why you want the job, and why you would be good for the job. Take a look at part of Jim Bradshaw's as an example.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed my CV. I would like to be considered for your position of Henchman. As you can see from my CV, I have a history of violent acts, which I feel would benefit your organisation. I am able to use my skills to keep control of a situation, and ensure that things get done, and done properly. I feel that I would fit into your organisation well as I am an ambitious person, and can see that you are going somewhere. I would work to the maximum of my ability to make sure that we both achieve our goals in a long and fruitful working relationship.
If you require any further information, please feel free to contact me.
Yours...
As you can see, the letter is kept quite brief, as most of the information is in the CV. There are a few important points thrown in, which should be enough to do it's job, to get Jim an interview. Afterall, that's all that you apply for the job in this way for, in order to get a chance to really show what you can do!
Be sure to look out for part 2 of the henchman's guide in which the interview will be covered in depth. What to wear, what not to wear, what to say, what not to say, plus those all important questions that will not only ensure that this is the right job for you, but also tell the interviewer that you're the right person for them.
So how would you go about becoming a henchman? And how would you survive in such a demanding job? That's what this guide is all about, how to get in as a henchman, how to act when you are there, and how to rise through the ranks to be right hand man to the true villain.
So, where do you start? How do you go from being unemployed or in a regular job, to being gainfully employed as a henchman? Well, the answer is easier than you'd think, because criminal masterminds often advertise in the local press. A typical advertisement for a henchman's job may read a little something like this:
Are you tired of working the 9-5 for an organisation that doesn't achieve anything?
Are you sick of spending day after day in a job that doesn't matter?
Then why not work for an organisation that has ambition, that can put you in exotic working locations, and offer hugely varying and exciting projects?
Here at the World Domination Group we can offer just that, but only to those that share our drive and ambition.
If you want to work for a company that aims to take over the world we want to hear from you. We are currently hiring in a number of areas, so please state which position you would like to apply for, and enclose a CV and covering letter explaining why you wish to work for the World Domination Group.
General Henchman
Duties will include moving boxes around huge warehouses, loading up submarines with diamonds and shooting at spies that try to infiltrate the base. Previous experience an advantage, but not necessary.
Forklift Driver
Based in out warehouse, you will shift around boxes, and try to run down spies. Experience in hand-to-hand combat and a fork lift driving licence required.
Engineers
Required to design and build a unique transport system around the base, perhaps bubble cars. Other duties will include creating laser-firing mechanisms. Professional qualification preferred, as well as at least three years experience.
Heavies
Duties will include giving beatings to anyone that crosses us and kidnapping useful hostages and scientists. Please provide evidence of having served prison time for an act of violence.
Kitten Groomer
In order for out evil mastermind to be at his most devious he will need his kitten to be kept in top condition. Previous experience tending for soft mammals required.
Please send all applications to:
The Evil HR Dept
The World Domination Group
Megalomania Mansion
Volcano Mouth
Hidden Island in the Pacific
As you can see from this advertisement, evil corporations will hire people of all skill levels for various positions within the company. Even if you don't have the qualifications for an engineer of fork lift driver if you go in at an entry level position of general henchperson you would be given on the job training, and could end up working anywhere within the company. If you show sadistic tendencies in your job as a general henchman you could be promoted to the level of 'Heavy', or even go into torture.
If you're a science whiz, I'm afraid you may be out of luck. More often than not evil corporations will not hire such people, but kidnap them instead. That way they don't have to pay them, or give them other employment benefits, like access to the gym, or pension plan.
Notice that the address of this company is in a location you would associate with an evil organisation, and beware of so called criminal masterminds trying to operate out of bed sits in Peckham.
Always research the corporation before you apply, as the following case study will show:
When Jim Bradshaw received an envelope branded with the 'Cruelco Co.' logo he was not surprised, and figured that it would just be another rejection letter. But when he opened the letter and read it he realised that he had been offered a position as General Henchman/Heavy. He was over the moon.
"I couldn't believe that I'd been offered the job without even having to go for an interview. I was shocked, but very pleased after having been unemployed for such a long time"
Unfortunately his joy was short lived. When Jim turned up at 'Cruelco Co's underground lair it turned out to be nothing more than a basement flat. But from tiny molehills have great mountains grown, thought Jim as he waited to meet the evil mastermind behind the company, Doctor Uncouth.
"Even though the flat was small, I had heard big things about the Doctor. His legitimate T-shirt printing business was doing quite well, and was a strong front for anything evil that he could have wanted to do. When I met him though it turned out to be a disappointment. He was scatty and disorganised, and didn't look much like the criminal masterminds on the TV at all."
Worse was to come for Jim when Doctor Uncouth talked him through the plans for 'Cruelco Co'.
"Doctor Uncouth lacked ambition. Rather than holding the world to ransom with a flock of killer bees, which was my idea, he wanted to steal teddy bears from the fair when it came to town. He said it would lead to bigger things, so I went along with it, but all we did after that was set up illegal candy-floss stalls around the region. My dreams were shattered."
Things could have been so different had Jim had done his research. Firstly, the legitimate front for the business needs to be big. You can only hide a huge evil organisation behind a huge legitimate one. Don't apply for a job that has a front as a shoe repairer, go for one that pretends to be an international finance company or something.
Research the evil mastermind. The best way to do this is to find out where they went to school, go to Friends Reunited, and get information from those they went to school with. If it turns out that your so-called evil genius was a pathetic loser, chances are things haven't changed. If, however, he had a history of blowing up science rooms and planting cruel traps for teachers, he could be the man to work for.
Never take a job without interview. Even if just over the phone, you need to check that the company shares your ambition.
Finally, try to get in touch with someone that already works for the company to see if there is a good working environment, and whether it will be all that you hope.
Once you have done all of this, you will be ready to apply for the job, just as long as this is indeed the right job for you.
You don't have to wait to see a job advertised in the paper. Some evil organisations would be encouraged by your keenness if you were to send a letter and CV on spec. Evil corporations are always looking to expand, and if you can send out that letter at the right time, they may call you in for an interview, saving them having to advertise the position. Just as long as the CV and letter are okay.
Your CV will require a makeover for you to be considered as a henchman. Rather than listing qualifications gained at school, list exclusions, suspensions and expulsions.
List any gangs that you were a part of, and any illegal activities that you partook in.
If you served any prison time, even in a young offender’s institute, also list this.
If you do have any relevant qualifications, such as in the art of ninjitsu, list these also.
Perhaps the most important part of the CV will be where you list your personal qualities and achievements though, as from these your future employer will be able to decide whether you will be able to fit into the organisation.
Here is a selection of parts from a sample CV, again using Jim Bradshaw as an example.
Education:
1976-1978 Edgware Pre-School
Suspended for a week for hitting Stuart in the face with a toy tractor, then shoving some Lego up his nose. He tried to steal my biscuit, and got what he deserved.
1978-1983 Edgware Primary School
Excluded for a week after trying to switch year 4 exam papers.
Expelled for drawing a chalk outline on the floor, and claiming that I was going to murder the teacher.
1983-1984: Basington Primary for Boys
Whole term spent in exclusion after being caught stealing lunch money.
1984-1986 Edgware Secondary School
Suspended for sabotaging the breaks of the bicycles of my enemies.
Expelled for setting light to the stig bin in the changing rooms.
1986-1989 Knotsworth County Secondary School
Permanently excluded after my protection racket on the tuck shop was uncovered.
Prison:
HM Prison Gregarson
Spent time inside for my part in a robbery on a local bookies. My sentence was twice extended for assaulting screws.
Hobbies:
I'm a big fan of football violence, and actively pursue this in and around the grounds of the local teams here. I also enjoy weight training and boxing.
Personal Qualities:
Ambitious - I have goals I want to achieve, and I won't stop until I do.
Aggressive - I apply my aggression in everything I do, as it helps get results, especially against others.
Persistent - I don't stop until I have achieved what I have to. If the nose doesn't bleed, just keep punching, that's my motto!
Stamina - I can work for long hours without requiring a break.
Personal Achievements
Cutting off a mans legs in under 10 minutes has to be my greatest achievement, beating my previous record of 13 minutes. I have proved to be successful in business too, running a number of profitable protection rackets since my school days. However, I feel that this is relatively small scale, and I now would like to move on to being part of a larger organisation hell bent on ruling the world.
Whilst Jim's CV is a little rough around the edges, it has all of the necessary information, as well as painting a picture that an evil criminal mastermind would be interested in seeing more of.
Of course, you do have to tailor the CV to the type of evil organisation that you plan to work for. It's no good focusing on the violent side if they tend to be more about manipulation and sneakiness. Again, this is where your research will pay dividends.
Once you have completed the CV the final step is the covering letter. The most important thing to include is a good reason why you want the job, and why you would be good for the job. Take a look at part of Jim Bradshaw's as an example.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed my CV. I would like to be considered for your position of Henchman. As you can see from my CV, I have a history of violent acts, which I feel would benefit your organisation. I am able to use my skills to keep control of a situation, and ensure that things get done, and done properly. I feel that I would fit into your organisation well as I am an ambitious person, and can see that you are going somewhere. I would work to the maximum of my ability to make sure that we both achieve our goals in a long and fruitful working relationship.
If you require any further information, please feel free to contact me.
Yours...
As you can see, the letter is kept quite brief, as most of the information is in the CV. There are a few important points thrown in, which should be enough to do it's job, to get Jim an interview. Afterall, that's all that you apply for the job in this way for, in order to get a chance to really show what you can do!
Be sure to look out for part 2 of the henchman's guide in which the interview will be covered in depth. What to wear, what not to wear, what to say, what not to say, plus those all important questions that will not only ensure that this is the right job for you, but also tell the interviewer that you're the right person for them.