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From Viewaskew.com
__________________
JERSEY GIRL DIARY
By Kevin Smith
You'll have to excuse the delay in what was planned to be a weekly column (like my desire to ever weigh under two hundred, it was a pipe dream, at best). Trying to juggle too many balls will do that to you. Trying to juggle said balls while they're still attached to random tranny hookers you picked up on Santa Monica in the back seat of your family truckster behind the dumpster of a Carl's Jr. is also not suggested, lest you be accused of "going Hollywood" and "selling out." But, oh ... that sweet forbidden tranny fruit...
*ahem*
All marital and societal deviancy aside, I'm bi-zack in this bi-zotch, and here's the latest beats to the rhyme ...
The movie's done. Shoot went incredibly well. Vilmos shot a gorgeous movie that nobody's going to believe I had anything to do with. The moment I got back to L.A., I locked myself in an editing room and haven't emerged since.
Until now.
Last night, I came to the bottom of the "Footage To Be Cut" bin in our Avid, and found there was no more movie left. With the exception of one scene we shoot on January 8th, we're ostensibly done with the first pass. Didn't want to time it out yet, but I'm betting it's between 2:15 and 2:30. My latest mantra is "If JERRY MAGUIRE can work at 2:18, we can work at 2:18 ..." but that might just be the high (and laze) of wrapping up a first cut talking. We'll see. Regardless, the movie can now be watched end-to-end, without me stopping every few scenes to explain to the viewer what happens next (now I only have to stop once).
As for the film -- well, I'll say this: I ****ing love it. I do. I really adore it -- moreso than anything we've ever done before. Outside of marrying Schwalbach and being too lazy to rip open a prophylactic that apparently had Harley's name written all over it (though not necessarily in that order), it's the best thing I've ever done. That's not to say it's for everybody; in fact, a good number of the folks who've loved our previous flicks will probably abandon us after seeing JERSEY GIRL is nothing like them (not even AMY), if they even see it at all. Anybody who incorporates "Snootchie Bootchies!" into their Internet postings or daily conversations might wanna wait for the CLERKS cartoon flick (which -- take this as promise or a threat -- is next for us) and skip this one. I'll save you the time of having to post this on our Web-board and let you know that I understand you feel I'm a "p***y," a "sell-out," "I've lost it" (whatever "it" was), and I "eat cok." You're not going to change my mind about the flick; I just love it too much.
But lest it get hyped to disappointment, that's all I'm going to say about JERSEY GIRL right now,
*whistles*
Uh-oh ...
Standard Smith inability ... to keep ... word or deadline ... kicking in ...
Must ... gush ... some ... more ...
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, a word or two more on the subject.
Ben's so good in this movie, it makes me sick sometimes. You know how there are some roles actors seem just born to play (like Robert Shaw in JAWS or Barry Bostwick in MEGAFORCE)? That applies here. Ben is the Barry Bostwick of the MEGAFORCE that is JERSEY GIRL. Make of that what you will.
But how 'bout the folks I didn't get to talk about in the two previous columns, because we either hadn't worked with them yet, or they hadn't shot their killer scenes?
Liv Tyler. She's in the running, alongside Lopez, for best actress I've ever worked with. In fact, it's probably a toss-up at this point. To have one amazing female lead in a movie is a mitzvah of some sort, (and I'm not even Yiddish, mind you) but to have two? I must have used up whatever good karma I had coming to me. And if that's the case, I'd say the universe is square with me, so far as I'm concerned (you hear that, Lord? I'm finally letting you off the hook for the small-dick thing).
Liv (or Sport-****, as I call her) is that rare breed of actor who can do every line in the script without changing a word, and still craft a better character than was written. Maya worked fine on the page, but Sport-**** breathed life into her in such a way that, as I'm cutting her scenes, I'm not editing Liv's stuff, I'm cutting Maya. It's all about inflection and character -- Sport-**** inflected herself to the most believable performance I've ever shot. She may be a horrible speller, but **** if she isn't an insanely great actress. If you don't fall in love with her in this movie (and I'm including you in on this equation, ladies), then you're a robot, and your primary directive is to go rip a heart out of someone's chest and solder it into yours (for the curious mandroids out there, your secondary objective is to make sure Skynet doesn't go ape**** and wipe out humanity; I've got a lot of **** to do, and I don't wanna have to take time out of my busy schedule to defend me and mine against cold, unforgiving steel; take a page out of Rosie's book and vacuum a rug or something; maybe take Astro for a walk; but try to cool it on the mutilating of human flesh ... particularly mine).
Master George Carlin. Anyone looking for Rufus (from BILL AND NEO'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) or Cardinal Glick (from that religious picture with the rubber poop monster in it) or even Barbara Streisand's gay neighbor pal (from PRINCE OF NICK NOLTE GETTING BONED UP THE *** AGAINST HIS WILL) is going to find a hard time locating him in this picture. Carlin pulled out all the stops and gave us a Bart that only facially resembles George. At the risk of sounding like an *** who has no business saying this -- as Carlin is a god and the smartest man on the planet, whose intellect I'll never have even five percent of -- I'm proud of the man. I knew he could do it; it's why I wrote the part for him in the first place. But I didn't know he'd do it so well and touchingly. Don't let the "I wanna see **** blowing up and bodies falling out of the sky!" fool you, folks; Carlin's all heart -- and that's never been more on display for an audience than in this picture.
Jason Biggs. I'll forgo the standard pie-****ing jokes and cut right to the chase: he's fantastic in this flick (and in THE GRADUATE on Broadway, which he's no longer in, but still -- it's worth mentioning). Biggsy's always funny (so much so that it landed him the lead in the next Woody Allen flick), but here, he shows off his dramatic chops as well. His Arthur runs the gamut from awkward amateur to confident professional, and you buy it every step of the way. I love this fellow Jersey boy. Look for him in more of our stuff, if he'll come back.
Stephen Root and Mike Starr are just flat-out funny, not to mention patient and just about the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. I'm not going to say they're the older, not-so-wiser Jay and Silent Bob of this flick, because I'm sure someone else will. If you ever need sublime, pitch-perfect character work done, these are your men.
Betty Aberlin deserves to work more than she does, as she's an underrated comedienne with tremendous instincts. She's woefully under-utilized in this business, but we're aiming to fix that.
L'il Raquel Castro. She had to lift **** far heavier than any seven-year-old should have to, and she did it in spades. Gertie was never designed to be one of those movie-cute kids who utters precocious little bon mots and bats eyelashes; she was designed to be a real seven-year-old kid. And that's exactly what Raquel gave us. She's adorable, but not gratingly so, and I can't thank her enough for that. She's the quiet little heart of our film, upon whose very small shoulders the whole movie rides, and I can safely say that she handles that task like a pro. Expect big things from this little package.
And lastly, there's Slopez. I've gushed so much about her in the previous columns that all I'll say here is she finished as strongly as she started. We couldn't have found a better Gertrude. However, I will add this: I don't think I've ever cast an actor who's engendered as much ire and bile as Jen does -- and it's all unfounded. She's too sweet and too hard-working to warrant **** like this being dropped in my e-mail (reprinted in its entirety, with name withheld) ...
Kevin-
I am sending this letter to you, since you are a friend of Ben's. As a fan, I'm wondering if those who are close to him are unable to see a change in 'style' with him? I have never seen Ben wear the 'pimp style' jewelry that he is now adorning. I have seen this type of jewelry on Sean 'Puffy,' 'P. Diddy' Combs. More recently, I've seen it on Cris Judd. Since there is only one person connected to these three guys--Ben, Cris Judd and Puffy , I wonder who's influence this is?! It is also interesting and troubling to hear/see Ben out on so many shopping trips. Apparently, 'Jenny from the block's love does cost a thing!' Obviously, this is something that Ben is unable to see, now that he is wearing his rose-colored glasses. Ben once said about when he's in love that he has the tendency to be 'swept away.' 'Swept away' may actually be a good term and soon his bank account will be 'swept away' too, by the way he's going through the money with this materialistic user. As an outsider, you don't have to be a real genius to see what type of a person she is. Ben deserves much better than her. He is clearly being taken advantage of. What woman in her position, when she has one of the most decent, gentlemanly and handsomest guys around, would actually be comfortable accepting incredibly expensive jewelry from him? If I were in her shoes, having Ben Affleck as my boyfriend would be all that I would need! I would not trot him out everywhere, where people could see us, using my relationship with him to generate talk and free publicity. I have an enormous amount of respect for him and it's heartbreaking to see him with someone with immoral values. Someone that uses whatever guy-of-the-moment she's involved with for something or another. I hope that those who 'claim' to care about him and those who say they are his 'friend' will prove that they do care and that they are his friend, and not sit back being a kiss *** with someone who uses men in more than one way and doesn't take her marriages seriously. I hope that someone will have the balls to pull him aside and encourage him to not rush into anything with someone who's last two marriages didn't even last a year! Eventually, J.HO will break his heart and in just knowing that, it's heartbreaking. His fans don't want to see him hurt and we don't want to see him rush into a marriage with someone who obviously doesn't take her marital vows seriously and lies to God when reciting those vows.
Whatever you saw between them on the set of your movie, doesn't mean that it's 'true love running both ways.' On her part, it's lust and the fact that she's got a 'sugar daddy,' who'll do anything/buy anything for her because he's blinded by love. How heartbreaking that is!
I mean, who the **** spends this much time dwelling on the affairs of people they've never met. Good God ...
But it didn't end there. Here's the rest.
Speaking of the movie, please note that Ben Affleck fans will refrain from all movies that feature him and J. Ho (AKA: Jennifer Lopez). Ben fans have no interest and are disgusted when it comes to movies that feature them.
"I am the Borax. I speak for Ben's fans."
BTW, when this 'relationship' breaks up, if Ben would like to get involved with a girl who would respect him, not use her relationship with him for publicity or want publicity, and not need any material things-especially flashy in-your-face jewelry, who would consider Ben 'the only diamond' that she would need, let him know that she's in AZ and that my love don't cost a thing. Ok?
How genius is that? No agenda there, not at all. ****ing people can be crazy when they've got too much free time and an apparent lack of interest in their own lives. Someone cancel that girl's subscription to US WEEKLY and PEOPLE, but quick.
And while we're in the mailbag, here's another e-mail I got, regarding the two previous JERSEY GIRL columns (again, reprinted in its entirety with name withheld) ...
I need to ask you a questions about this update you have posted on your site: Are you kidding me with this sunshine up the *** ****? I mean, I appreciate the fine sentiment about how the cast is getting along and how breathtaking it must be to see love blossom between "Bender" and "JLo", but Jesus, your column reads like a 10th grade love letter.
****. I was going for at least 11th grade ...
If you insist on being flowery, couldn't you at least try to sound a little less sophomoric
Man, I hope that pun was intended ...
(pun intended)?
Phew!
If you won't, then I understand, but I think I'm gonna stop reading the column
You do that, and you'll miss seeing your condescension and bitterness in lights.
because I don't think I can take the obvious PR and promo anymore.
You know, not every kind sentiment is PR or promo. In fact, PR and promo are normally saved for around the time the movie's being promoted, not almost a year in advance.
But, hey -- you're the shepherd, Will.
You are watched because of your wit, dont' forget that.
Snappy Answer #1: See! I knew I was being watched! And people called me paranoid!
Snappy Answer #2: I thought I was watched simply because people couldn't see around my girth.
That being said, I think that you are a great talent and wish you the best of luck on your upcoming piece.
You had me at "That being said."
I am not a film maker or a director,
What a coincidence! Neither am I!
just an actress who does a little law school on the side. Fondest Regards,
Quick! Send me your head shot and resume, and I'll cast you and pen 10th-grade level sunshine-up-the-*** **** about you too!
On matters unrelated to JERSEY GIRL ...
Columbia/Tristar's EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH DVD hits shelves next week, December 17th. Two discs, between three and four hours of a fat guy sweating a lot and answering questions. If you're remotely into my ****, it's right up your alley. If you're not into my **** at all ... well then, what the **** are you doing reading this 10th-grade level, sunshine-up-the-*** **** for?
My involvement with SCARY MOVIE 3. Here's the story: After the Wayans brothers took what was supposed to be SCARY MOVIE 3 elsewhere, Bob Weinstein called and asked if I'd look at the Dimension draft of the latest SCARY MOVIE when they were done with it, and maybe add a joke here or there. I asked him who was writing it, and he said he hadn't assigned it yet. So I suggested a guy I knew was perfect for the gig: Poop Shoot's own Brian Lynch. Bob met with Brian, and brought him on as one of the writers, along with David Zucker and Pat Profft. For this, I was offered an Exec Producer credit. Somehow, the trades translated this as me Co-Writing. If maybe doing a polish on a script that will be far funnier than anything I can think up is considered Co-Writing, then I guess I'm a Co-Writer. However, with these three funny guys involved, chances are, I'll have nothing to add but the sound of my laughter (with, mind you; not at).
SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. I got bogged down with production, but rest assured, the last two issues are coming.
DAREDEVIL/BULLSEYE: THE TARGET. Some folks have bitched about the September 11th content of the book and how dated they felt it was (Good Lord, how quickly some people forget...). In my defense I'll say this: the script was written last December, a bit closer to the actual tragedy. But regardless, as a guy who saw those Towers almost every day for thirty years or so, their absence -- not to mention the loss of lives and the horror of the act responsible for both -- is something that will affect me forever. Maybe if you never lived in the tri-state area, September 11th doesn't have as much resonance, and you were able to go back to business as usual; but for New Yorkers and those of us who grew up in the shadow of the City, life still hasn't gone back to normal, and probably never will. I live on the other side of the country now, and it still haunts me. My apologies if those feelings, expressed through a character native to New York, got in the way of your desire to simply see a guy in tights beat the **** out of another guy in tights. You might want to skip the rest of the series.
The DAREDEVIL Movie. I saw it. It's great. Mark and Co. nailed the tone of the character/book. If you're a fan of the comics/character, you'll dig this flick.
The Jen Saves Ben game. Some folks have asked about when this is going to be available. Sorry -- it was a wrap gift for just Bennifer. The guys at Powerhouse Animation (the ones behind that HEROES short with Cap and DD as Dante and Randal) created it, and did a great job.
There is, however, another game; two, actually.
If you're at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, you can check them out. There's one called Jay and Silent Bob Save the Stash, and another one called Dogma 2: Electric Boogaloo. They're pretty sweet, and if you ask Walter really nicely, he'll probably let you play them for free.
The Next Flick. Now that we're wrapped on JERSEY GIRL, I keep getting this "What're you doing next?" ****. Aside from the CLERKS cartoon movie (which, once I'm done writing, is out of my hands and into the hands of the directors/animators), truth is, I'm not sure. There are a few options (FLETCH WON - but only if they let Lee play Fletch; this sci-fi thing I've been toying with, and a pair of comic-book flicks: one that's very close to my heart and one that would be completely out of left field) but I've yet to figure it out. For the first time in the nearly 10 years we've been doing this, I find myself at the end of one movie, not knowing what the next one will be. No complaints, mind you; it's actually kind of nice. But weird. Maybe it's time for a vacation finally.
Next Month: the JERSEY GIRL photo essay!
__________________
JERSEY GIRL DIARY
By Kevin Smith
You'll have to excuse the delay in what was planned to be a weekly column (like my desire to ever weigh under two hundred, it was a pipe dream, at best). Trying to juggle too many balls will do that to you. Trying to juggle said balls while they're still attached to random tranny hookers you picked up on Santa Monica in the back seat of your family truckster behind the dumpster of a Carl's Jr. is also not suggested, lest you be accused of "going Hollywood" and "selling out." But, oh ... that sweet forbidden tranny fruit...
*ahem*
All marital and societal deviancy aside, I'm bi-zack in this bi-zotch, and here's the latest beats to the rhyme ...
The movie's done. Shoot went incredibly well. Vilmos shot a gorgeous movie that nobody's going to believe I had anything to do with. The moment I got back to L.A., I locked myself in an editing room and haven't emerged since.
Until now.
Last night, I came to the bottom of the "Footage To Be Cut" bin in our Avid, and found there was no more movie left. With the exception of one scene we shoot on January 8th, we're ostensibly done with the first pass. Didn't want to time it out yet, but I'm betting it's between 2:15 and 2:30. My latest mantra is "If JERRY MAGUIRE can work at 2:18, we can work at 2:18 ..." but that might just be the high (and laze) of wrapping up a first cut talking. We'll see. Regardless, the movie can now be watched end-to-end, without me stopping every few scenes to explain to the viewer what happens next (now I only have to stop once).
As for the film -- well, I'll say this: I ****ing love it. I do. I really adore it -- moreso than anything we've ever done before. Outside of marrying Schwalbach and being too lazy to rip open a prophylactic that apparently had Harley's name written all over it (though not necessarily in that order), it's the best thing I've ever done. That's not to say it's for everybody; in fact, a good number of the folks who've loved our previous flicks will probably abandon us after seeing JERSEY GIRL is nothing like them (not even AMY), if they even see it at all. Anybody who incorporates "Snootchie Bootchies!" into their Internet postings or daily conversations might wanna wait for the CLERKS cartoon flick (which -- take this as promise or a threat -- is next for us) and skip this one. I'll save you the time of having to post this on our Web-board and let you know that I understand you feel I'm a "p***y," a "sell-out," "I've lost it" (whatever "it" was), and I "eat cok." You're not going to change my mind about the flick; I just love it too much.
But lest it get hyped to disappointment, that's all I'm going to say about JERSEY GIRL right now,
*whistles*
Uh-oh ...
Standard Smith inability ... to keep ... word or deadline ... kicking in ...
Must ... gush ... some ... more ...
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, a word or two more on the subject.
Ben's so good in this movie, it makes me sick sometimes. You know how there are some roles actors seem just born to play (like Robert Shaw in JAWS or Barry Bostwick in MEGAFORCE)? That applies here. Ben is the Barry Bostwick of the MEGAFORCE that is JERSEY GIRL. Make of that what you will.
But how 'bout the folks I didn't get to talk about in the two previous columns, because we either hadn't worked with them yet, or they hadn't shot their killer scenes?
Liv Tyler. She's in the running, alongside Lopez, for best actress I've ever worked with. In fact, it's probably a toss-up at this point. To have one amazing female lead in a movie is a mitzvah of some sort, (and I'm not even Yiddish, mind you) but to have two? I must have used up whatever good karma I had coming to me. And if that's the case, I'd say the universe is square with me, so far as I'm concerned (you hear that, Lord? I'm finally letting you off the hook for the small-dick thing).
Liv (or Sport-****, as I call her) is that rare breed of actor who can do every line in the script without changing a word, and still craft a better character than was written. Maya worked fine on the page, but Sport-**** breathed life into her in such a way that, as I'm cutting her scenes, I'm not editing Liv's stuff, I'm cutting Maya. It's all about inflection and character -- Sport-**** inflected herself to the most believable performance I've ever shot. She may be a horrible speller, but **** if she isn't an insanely great actress. If you don't fall in love with her in this movie (and I'm including you in on this equation, ladies), then you're a robot, and your primary directive is to go rip a heart out of someone's chest and solder it into yours (for the curious mandroids out there, your secondary objective is to make sure Skynet doesn't go ape**** and wipe out humanity; I've got a lot of **** to do, and I don't wanna have to take time out of my busy schedule to defend me and mine against cold, unforgiving steel; take a page out of Rosie's book and vacuum a rug or something; maybe take Astro for a walk; but try to cool it on the mutilating of human flesh ... particularly mine).
Master George Carlin. Anyone looking for Rufus (from BILL AND NEO'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) or Cardinal Glick (from that religious picture with the rubber poop monster in it) or even Barbara Streisand's gay neighbor pal (from PRINCE OF NICK NOLTE GETTING BONED UP THE *** AGAINST HIS WILL) is going to find a hard time locating him in this picture. Carlin pulled out all the stops and gave us a Bart that only facially resembles George. At the risk of sounding like an *** who has no business saying this -- as Carlin is a god and the smartest man on the planet, whose intellect I'll never have even five percent of -- I'm proud of the man. I knew he could do it; it's why I wrote the part for him in the first place. But I didn't know he'd do it so well and touchingly. Don't let the "I wanna see **** blowing up and bodies falling out of the sky!" fool you, folks; Carlin's all heart -- and that's never been more on display for an audience than in this picture.
Jason Biggs. I'll forgo the standard pie-****ing jokes and cut right to the chase: he's fantastic in this flick (and in THE GRADUATE on Broadway, which he's no longer in, but still -- it's worth mentioning). Biggsy's always funny (so much so that it landed him the lead in the next Woody Allen flick), but here, he shows off his dramatic chops as well. His Arthur runs the gamut from awkward amateur to confident professional, and you buy it every step of the way. I love this fellow Jersey boy. Look for him in more of our stuff, if he'll come back.
Stephen Root and Mike Starr are just flat-out funny, not to mention patient and just about the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. I'm not going to say they're the older, not-so-wiser Jay and Silent Bob of this flick, because I'm sure someone else will. If you ever need sublime, pitch-perfect character work done, these are your men.
Betty Aberlin deserves to work more than she does, as she's an underrated comedienne with tremendous instincts. She's woefully under-utilized in this business, but we're aiming to fix that.
L'il Raquel Castro. She had to lift **** far heavier than any seven-year-old should have to, and she did it in spades. Gertie was never designed to be one of those movie-cute kids who utters precocious little bon mots and bats eyelashes; she was designed to be a real seven-year-old kid. And that's exactly what Raquel gave us. She's adorable, but not gratingly so, and I can't thank her enough for that. She's the quiet little heart of our film, upon whose very small shoulders the whole movie rides, and I can safely say that she handles that task like a pro. Expect big things from this little package.
And lastly, there's Slopez. I've gushed so much about her in the previous columns that all I'll say here is she finished as strongly as she started. We couldn't have found a better Gertrude. However, I will add this: I don't think I've ever cast an actor who's engendered as much ire and bile as Jen does -- and it's all unfounded. She's too sweet and too hard-working to warrant **** like this being dropped in my e-mail (reprinted in its entirety, with name withheld) ...
Kevin-
I am sending this letter to you, since you are a friend of Ben's. As a fan, I'm wondering if those who are close to him are unable to see a change in 'style' with him? I have never seen Ben wear the 'pimp style' jewelry that he is now adorning. I have seen this type of jewelry on Sean 'Puffy,' 'P. Diddy' Combs. More recently, I've seen it on Cris Judd. Since there is only one person connected to these three guys--Ben, Cris Judd and Puffy , I wonder who's influence this is?! It is also interesting and troubling to hear/see Ben out on so many shopping trips. Apparently, 'Jenny from the block's love does cost a thing!' Obviously, this is something that Ben is unable to see, now that he is wearing his rose-colored glasses. Ben once said about when he's in love that he has the tendency to be 'swept away.' 'Swept away' may actually be a good term and soon his bank account will be 'swept away' too, by the way he's going through the money with this materialistic user. As an outsider, you don't have to be a real genius to see what type of a person she is. Ben deserves much better than her. He is clearly being taken advantage of. What woman in her position, when she has one of the most decent, gentlemanly and handsomest guys around, would actually be comfortable accepting incredibly expensive jewelry from him? If I were in her shoes, having Ben Affleck as my boyfriend would be all that I would need! I would not trot him out everywhere, where people could see us, using my relationship with him to generate talk and free publicity. I have an enormous amount of respect for him and it's heartbreaking to see him with someone with immoral values. Someone that uses whatever guy-of-the-moment she's involved with for something or another. I hope that those who 'claim' to care about him and those who say they are his 'friend' will prove that they do care and that they are his friend, and not sit back being a kiss *** with someone who uses men in more than one way and doesn't take her marriages seriously. I hope that someone will have the balls to pull him aside and encourage him to not rush into anything with someone who's last two marriages didn't even last a year! Eventually, J.HO will break his heart and in just knowing that, it's heartbreaking. His fans don't want to see him hurt and we don't want to see him rush into a marriage with someone who obviously doesn't take her marital vows seriously and lies to God when reciting those vows.
Whatever you saw between them on the set of your movie, doesn't mean that it's 'true love running both ways.' On her part, it's lust and the fact that she's got a 'sugar daddy,' who'll do anything/buy anything for her because he's blinded by love. How heartbreaking that is!
I mean, who the **** spends this much time dwelling on the affairs of people they've never met. Good God ...
But it didn't end there. Here's the rest.
Speaking of the movie, please note that Ben Affleck fans will refrain from all movies that feature him and J. Ho (AKA: Jennifer Lopez). Ben fans have no interest and are disgusted when it comes to movies that feature them.
"I am the Borax. I speak for Ben's fans."
BTW, when this 'relationship' breaks up, if Ben would like to get involved with a girl who would respect him, not use her relationship with him for publicity or want publicity, and not need any material things-especially flashy in-your-face jewelry, who would consider Ben 'the only diamond' that she would need, let him know that she's in AZ and that my love don't cost a thing. Ok?
How genius is that? No agenda there, not at all. ****ing people can be crazy when they've got too much free time and an apparent lack of interest in their own lives. Someone cancel that girl's subscription to US WEEKLY and PEOPLE, but quick.
And while we're in the mailbag, here's another e-mail I got, regarding the two previous JERSEY GIRL columns (again, reprinted in its entirety with name withheld) ...
I need to ask you a questions about this update you have posted on your site: Are you kidding me with this sunshine up the *** ****? I mean, I appreciate the fine sentiment about how the cast is getting along and how breathtaking it must be to see love blossom between "Bender" and "JLo", but Jesus, your column reads like a 10th grade love letter.
****. I was going for at least 11th grade ...
If you insist on being flowery, couldn't you at least try to sound a little less sophomoric
Man, I hope that pun was intended ...
(pun intended)?
Phew!
If you won't, then I understand, but I think I'm gonna stop reading the column
You do that, and you'll miss seeing your condescension and bitterness in lights.
because I don't think I can take the obvious PR and promo anymore.
You know, not every kind sentiment is PR or promo. In fact, PR and promo are normally saved for around the time the movie's being promoted, not almost a year in advance.
But, hey -- you're the shepherd, Will.
You are watched because of your wit, dont' forget that.
Snappy Answer #1: See! I knew I was being watched! And people called me paranoid!
Snappy Answer #2: I thought I was watched simply because people couldn't see around my girth.
That being said, I think that you are a great talent and wish you the best of luck on your upcoming piece.
You had me at "That being said."
I am not a film maker or a director,
What a coincidence! Neither am I!
just an actress who does a little law school on the side. Fondest Regards,
Quick! Send me your head shot and resume, and I'll cast you and pen 10th-grade level sunshine-up-the-*** **** about you too!
On matters unrelated to JERSEY GIRL ...
Columbia/Tristar's EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH DVD hits shelves next week, December 17th. Two discs, between three and four hours of a fat guy sweating a lot and answering questions. If you're remotely into my ****, it's right up your alley. If you're not into my **** at all ... well then, what the **** are you doing reading this 10th-grade level, sunshine-up-the-*** **** for?
My involvement with SCARY MOVIE 3. Here's the story: After the Wayans brothers took what was supposed to be SCARY MOVIE 3 elsewhere, Bob Weinstein called and asked if I'd look at the Dimension draft of the latest SCARY MOVIE when they were done with it, and maybe add a joke here or there. I asked him who was writing it, and he said he hadn't assigned it yet. So I suggested a guy I knew was perfect for the gig: Poop Shoot's own Brian Lynch. Bob met with Brian, and brought him on as one of the writers, along with David Zucker and Pat Profft. For this, I was offered an Exec Producer credit. Somehow, the trades translated this as me Co-Writing. If maybe doing a polish on a script that will be far funnier than anything I can think up is considered Co-Writing, then I guess I'm a Co-Writer. However, with these three funny guys involved, chances are, I'll have nothing to add but the sound of my laughter (with, mind you; not at).
SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. I got bogged down with production, but rest assured, the last two issues are coming.
DAREDEVIL/BULLSEYE: THE TARGET. Some folks have bitched about the September 11th content of the book and how dated they felt it was (Good Lord, how quickly some people forget...). In my defense I'll say this: the script was written last December, a bit closer to the actual tragedy. But regardless, as a guy who saw those Towers almost every day for thirty years or so, their absence -- not to mention the loss of lives and the horror of the act responsible for both -- is something that will affect me forever. Maybe if you never lived in the tri-state area, September 11th doesn't have as much resonance, and you were able to go back to business as usual; but for New Yorkers and those of us who grew up in the shadow of the City, life still hasn't gone back to normal, and probably never will. I live on the other side of the country now, and it still haunts me. My apologies if those feelings, expressed through a character native to New York, got in the way of your desire to simply see a guy in tights beat the **** out of another guy in tights. You might want to skip the rest of the series.
The DAREDEVIL Movie. I saw it. It's great. Mark and Co. nailed the tone of the character/book. If you're a fan of the comics/character, you'll dig this flick.
The Jen Saves Ben game. Some folks have asked about when this is going to be available. Sorry -- it was a wrap gift for just Bennifer. The guys at Powerhouse Animation (the ones behind that HEROES short with Cap and DD as Dante and Randal) created it, and did a great job.
There is, however, another game; two, actually.
If you're at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, you can check them out. There's one called Jay and Silent Bob Save the Stash, and another one called Dogma 2: Electric Boogaloo. They're pretty sweet, and if you ask Walter really nicely, he'll probably let you play them for free.
The Next Flick. Now that we're wrapped on JERSEY GIRL, I keep getting this "What're you doing next?" ****. Aside from the CLERKS cartoon movie (which, once I'm done writing, is out of my hands and into the hands of the directors/animators), truth is, I'm not sure. There are a few options (FLETCH WON - but only if they let Lee play Fletch; this sci-fi thing I've been toying with, and a pair of comic-book flicks: one that's very close to my heart and one that would be completely out of left field) but I've yet to figure it out. For the first time in the nearly 10 years we've been doing this, I find myself at the end of one movie, not knowing what the next one will be. No complaints, mind you; it's actually kind of nice. But weird. Maybe it's time for a vacation finally.
Next Month: the JERSEY GIRL photo essay!
From Viewaskew.com
__________________
JERSEY GIRL DIARY
By Kevin Smith
You'll have to excuse the delay in what was planned to be a weekly column (like my desire to ever weigh under two hundred, it was a pipe dream, at best). Trying to juggle too many balls will do that to you. Trying to juggle said balls while they're still attached to random tranny hookers you picked up on Santa Monica in the back seat of your family truckster behind the dumpster of a Carl's Jr. is also not suggested, lest you be accused of "going Hollywood" and "selling out." But, oh ... that sweet forbidden tranny fruit...
*ahem*
All marital and societal deviancy aside, I'm bi-zack in this bi-zotch, and here's the latest beats to the rhyme ...
The movie's done. Shoot went incredibly well. Vilmos shot a gorgeous movie that nobody's going to believe I had anything to do with. The moment I got back to L.A., I locked myself in an editing room and haven't emerged since.
Until now.
Last night, I came to the bottom of the "Footage To Be Cut" bin in our Avid, and found there was no more movie left. With the exception of one scene we shoot on January 8th, we're ostensibly done with the first pass. Didn't want to time it out yet, but I'm betting it's between 2:15 and 2:30. My latest mantra is "If JERRY MAGUIRE can work at 2:18, we can work at 2:18 ..." but that might just be the high (and laze) of wrapping up a first cut talking. We'll see. Regardless, the movie can now be watched end-to-end, without me stopping every few scenes to explain to the viewer what happens next (now I only have to stop once).
As for the film -- well, I'll say this: I ****ing love it. I do. I really adore it -- moreso than anything we've ever done before. Outside of marrying Schwalbach and being too lazy to rip open a prophylactic that apparently had Harley's name written all over it (though not necessarily in that order), it's the best thing I've ever done. That's not to say it's for everybody; in fact, a good number of the folks who've loved our previous flicks will probably abandon us after seeing JERSEY GIRL is nothing like them (not even AMY), if they even see it at all. Anybody who incorporates "Snootchie Bootchies!" into their Internet postings or daily conversations might wanna wait for the CLERKS cartoon flick (which -- take this as promise or a threat -- is next for us) and skip this one. I'll save you the time of having to post this on our Web-board and let you know that I understand you feel I'm a "p***y," a "sell-out," "I've lost it" (whatever "it" was), and I "eat cok." You're not going to change my mind about the flick; I just love it too much.
But lest it get hyped to disappointment, that's all I'm going to say about JERSEY GIRL right now,
*whistles*
Uh-oh ...
Standard Smith inability ... to keep ... word or deadline ... kicking in ...
Must ... gush ... some ... more ...
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, a word or two more on the subject.
Ben's so good in this movie, it makes me sick sometimes. You know how there are some roles actors seem just born to play (like Robert Shaw in JAWS or Barry Bostwick in MEGAFORCE)? That applies here. Ben is the Barry Bostwick of the MEGAFORCE that is JERSEY GIRL. Make of that what you will.
But how 'bout the folks I didn't get to talk about in the two previous columns, because we either hadn't worked with them yet, or they hadn't shot their killer scenes?
Liv Tyler. She's in the running, alongside Lopez, for best actress I've ever worked with. In fact, it's probably a toss-up at this point. To have one amazing female lead in a movie is a mitzvah of some sort, (and I'm not even Yiddish, mind you) but to have two? I must have used up whatever good karma I had coming to me. And if that's the case, I'd say the universe is square with me, so far as I'm concerned (you hear that, Lord? I'm finally letting you off the hook for the small-dick thing).
Liv (or Sport-****, as I call her) is that rare breed of actor who can do every line in the script without changing a word, and still craft a better character than was written. Maya worked fine on the page, but Sport-**** breathed life into her in such a way that, as I'm cutting her scenes, I'm not editing Liv's stuff, I'm cutting Maya. It's all about inflection and character -- Sport-**** inflected herself to the most believable performance I've ever shot. She may be a horrible speller, but **** if she isn't an insanely great actress. If you don't fall in love with her in this movie (and I'm including you in on this equation, ladies), then you're a robot, and your primary directive is to go rip a heart out of someone's chest and solder it into yours (for the curious mandroids out there, your secondary objective is to make sure Skynet doesn't go ape**** and wipe out humanity; I've got a lot of **** to do, and I don't wanna have to take time out of my busy schedule to defend me and mine against cold, unforgiving steel; take a page out of Rosie's book and vacuum a rug or something; maybe take Astro for a walk; but try to cool it on the mutilating of human flesh ... particularly mine).
Master George Carlin. Anyone looking for Rufus (from BILL AND NEO'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) or Cardinal Glick (from that religious picture with the rubber poop monster in it) or even Barbara Streisand's gay neighbor pal (from PRINCE OF NICK NOLTE GETTING BONED UP THE *** AGAINST HIS WILL) is going to find a hard time locating him in this picture. Carlin pulled out all the stops and gave us a Bart that only facially resembles George. At the risk of sounding like an *** who has no business saying this -- as Carlin is a god and the smartest man on the planet, whose intellect I'll never have even five percent of -- I'm proud of the man. I knew he could do it; it's why I wrote the part for him in the first place. But I didn't know he'd do it so well and touchingly. Don't let the "I wanna see **** blowing up and bodies falling out of the sky!" fool you, folks; Carlin's all heart -- and that's never been more on display for an audience than in this picture.
Jason Biggs. I'll forgo the standard pie-****ing jokes and cut right to the chase: he's fantastic in this flick (and in THE GRADUATE on Broadway, which he's no longer in, but still -- it's worth mentioning). Biggsy's always funny (so much so that it landed him the lead in the next Woody Allen flick), but here, he shows off his dramatic chops as well. His Arthur runs the gamut from awkward amateur to confident professional, and you buy it every step of the way. I love this fellow Jersey boy. Look for him in more of our stuff, if he'll come back.
Stephen Root and Mike Starr are just flat-out funny, not to mention patient and just about the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. I'm not going to say they're the older, not-so-wiser Jay and Silent Bob of this flick, because I'm sure someone else will. If you ever need sublime, pitch-perfect character work done, these are your men.
Betty Aberlin deserves to work more than she does, as she's an underrated comedienne with tremendous instincts. She's woefully under-utilized in this business, but we're aiming to fix that.
L'il Raquel Castro. She had to lift **** far heavier than any seven-year-old should have to, and she did it in spades. Gertie was never designed to be one of those movie-cute kids who utters precocious little bon mots and bats eyelashes; she was designed to be a real seven-year-old kid. And that's exactly what Raquel gave us. She's adorable, but not gratingly so, and I can't thank her enough for that. She's the quiet little heart of our film, upon whose very small shoulders the whole movie rides, and I can safely say that she handles that task like a pro. Expect big things from this little package.
And lastly, there's Slopez. I've gushed so much about her in the previous columns that all I'll say here is she finished as strongly as she started. We couldn't have found a better Gertrude. However, I will add this: I don't think I've ever cast an actor who's engendered as much ire and bile as Jen does -- and it's all unfounded. She's too sweet and too hard-working to warrant **** like this being dropped in my e-mail (reprinted in its entirety, with name withheld) ...
Kevin-
I am sending this letter to you, since you are a friend of Ben's. As a fan, I'm wondering if those who are close to him are unable to see a change in 'style' with him? I have never seen Ben wear the 'pimp style' jewelry that he is now adorning. I have seen this type of jewelry on Sean 'Puffy,' 'P. Diddy' Combs. More recently, I've seen it on Cris Judd. Since there is only one person connected to these three guys--Ben, Cris Judd and Puffy , I wonder who's influence this is?! It is also interesting and troubling to hear/see Ben out on so many shopping trips. Apparently, 'Jenny from the block's love does cost a thing!' Obviously, this is something that Ben is unable to see, now that he is wearing his rose-colored glasses. Ben once said about when he's in love that he has the tendency to be 'swept away.' 'Swept away' may actually be a good term and soon his bank account will be 'swept away' too, by the way he's going through the money with this materialistic user. As an outsider, you don't have to be a real genius to see what type of a person she is. Ben deserves much better than her. He is clearly being taken advantage of. What woman in her position, when she has one of the most decent, gentlemanly and handsomest guys around, would actually be comfortable accepting incredibly expensive jewelry from him? If I were in her shoes, having Ben Affleck as my boyfriend would be all that I would need! I would not trot him out everywhere, where people could see us, using my relationship with him to generate talk and free publicity. I have an enormous amount of respect for him and it's heartbreaking to see him with someone with immoral values. Someone that uses whatever guy-of-the-moment she's involved with for something or another. I hope that those who 'claim' to care about him and those who say they are his 'friend' will prove that they do care and that they are his friend, and not sit back being a kiss *** with someone who uses men in more than one way and doesn't take her marriages seriously. I hope that someone will have the balls to pull him aside and encourage him to not rush into anything with someone who's last two marriages didn't even last a year! Eventually, J.HO will break his heart and in just knowing that, it's heartbreaking. His fans don't want to see him hurt and we don't want to see him rush into a marriage with someone who obviously doesn't take her marital vows seriously and lies to God when reciting those vows.
Whatever you saw between them on the set of your movie, doesn't mean that it's 'true love running both ways.' On her part, it's lust and the fact that she's got a 'sugar daddy,' who'll do anything/buy anything for her because he's blinded by love. How heartbreaking that is!
I mean, who the **** spends this much time dwelling on the affairs of people they've never met. Good God ...
But it didn't end there. Here's the rest.
Speaking of the movie, please note that Ben Affleck fans will refrain from all movies that feature him and J. Ho (AKA: Jennifer Lopez). Ben fans have no interest and are disgusted when it comes to movies that feature them.
"I am the Borax. I speak for Ben's fans."
BTW, when this 'relationship' breaks up, if Ben would like to get involved with a girl who would respect him, not use her relationship with him for publicity or want publicity, and not need any material things-especially flashy in-your-face jewelry, who would consider Ben 'the only diamond' that she would need, let him know that she's in AZ and that my love don't cost a thing. Ok?
How genius is that? No agenda there, not at all. ****ing people can be crazy when they've got too much free time and an apparent lack of interest in their own lives. Someone cancel that girl's subscription to US WEEKLY and PEOPLE, but quick.
And while we're in the mailbag, here's another e-mail I got, regarding the two previous JERSEY GIRL columns (again, reprinted in its entirety with name withheld) ...
I need to ask you a questions about this update you have posted on your site: Are you kidding me with this sunshine up the *** ****? I mean, I appreciate the fine sentiment about how the cast is getting along and how breathtaking it must be to see love blossom between "Bender" and "JLo", but Jesus, your column reads like a 10th grade love letter.
****. I was going for at least 11th grade ...
If you insist on being flowery, couldn't you at least try to sound a little less sophomoric
Man, I hope that pun was intended ...
(pun intended)?
Phew!
If you won't, then I understand, but I think I'm gonna stop reading the column
You do that, and you'll miss seeing your condescension and bitterness in lights.
because I don't think I can take the obvious PR and promo anymore.
You know, not every kind sentiment is PR or promo. In fact, PR and promo are normally saved for around the time the movie's being promoted, not almost a year in advance.
But, hey -- you're the shepherd, Will.
You are watched because of your wit, dont' forget that.
Snappy Answer #1: See! I knew I was being watched! And people called me paranoid!
Snappy Answer #2: I thought I was watched simply because people couldn't see around my girth.
That being said, I think that you are a great talent and wish you the best of luck on your upcoming piece.
You had me at "That being said."
I am not a film maker or a director,
What a coincidence! Neither am I!
just an actress who does a little law school on the side. Fondest Regards,
Quick! Send me your head shot and resume, and I'll cast you and pen 10th-grade level sunshine-up-the-*** **** about you too!
On matters unrelated to JERSEY GIRL ...
Columbia/Tristar's EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH DVD hits shelves next week, December 17th. Two discs, between three and four hours of a fat guy sweating a lot and answering questions. If you're remotely into my ****, it's right up your alley. If you're not into my **** at all ... well then, what the **** are you doing reading this 10th-grade level, sunshine-up-the-*** **** for?
My involvement with SCARY MOVIE 3. Here's the story: After the Wayans brothers took what was supposed to be SCARY MOVIE 3 elsewhere, Bob Weinstein called and asked if I'd look at the Dimension draft of the latest SCARY MOVIE when they were done with it, and maybe add a joke here or there. I asked him who was writing it, and he said he hadn't assigned it yet. So I suggested a guy I knew was perfect for the gig: Poop Shoot's own Brian Lynch. Bob met with Brian, and brought him on as one of the writers, along with David Zucker and Pat Profft. For this, I was offered an Exec Producer credit. Somehow, the trades translated this as me Co-Writing. If maybe doing a polish on a script that will be far funnier than anything I can think up is considered Co-Writing, then I guess I'm a Co-Writer. However, with these three funny guys involved, chances are, I'll have nothing to add but the sound of my laughter (with, mind you; not at).
SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. I got bogged down with production, but rest assured, the last two issues are coming.
DAREDEVIL/BULLSEYE: THE TARGET. Some folks have bitched about the September 11th content of the book and how dated they felt it was (Good Lord, how quickly some people forget...). In my defense I'll say this: the script was written last December, a bit closer to the actual tragedy. But regardless, as a guy who saw those Towers almost every day for thirty years or so, their absence -- not to mention the loss of lives and the horror of the act responsible for both -- is something that will affect me forever. Maybe if you never lived in the tri-state area, September 11th doesn't have as much resonance, and you were able to go back to business as usual; but for New Yorkers and those of us who grew up in the shadow of the City, life still hasn't gone back to normal, and probably never will. I live on the other side of the country now, and it still haunts me. My apologies if those feelings, expressed through a character native to New York, got in the way of your desire to simply see a guy in tights beat the **** out of another guy in tights. You might want to skip the rest of the series.
The DAREDEVIL Movie. I saw it. It's great. Mark and Co. nailed the tone of the character/book. If you're a fan of the comics/character, you'll dig this flick.
The Jen Saves Ben game. Some folks have asked about when this is going to be available. Sorry -- it was a wrap gift for just Bennifer. The guys at Powerhouse Animation (the ones behind that HEROES short with Cap and DD as Dante and Randal) created it, and did a great job.
There is, however, another game; two, actually.
If you're at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, you can check them out. There's one called Jay and Silent Bob Save the Stash, and another one called Dogma 2: Electric Boogaloo. They're pretty sweet, and if you ask Walter really nicely, he'll probably let you play them for free.
The Next Flick. Now that we're wrapped on JERSEY GIRL, I keep getting this "What're you doing next?" ****. Aside from the CLERKS cartoon movie (which, once I'm done writing, is out of my hands and into the hands of the directors/animators), truth is, I'm not sure. There are a few options (FLETCH WON - but only if they let Lee play Fletch; this sci-fi thing I've been toying with, and a pair of comic-book flicks: one that's very close to my heart and one that would be completely out of left field) but I've yet to figure it out. For the first time in the nearly 10 years we've been doing this, I find myself at the end of one movie, not knowing what the next one will be. No complaints, mind you; it's actually kind of nice. But weird. Maybe it's time for a vacation finally.
Next Month: the JERSEY GIRL photo essay!
__________________
JERSEY GIRL DIARY
By Kevin Smith
You'll have to excuse the delay in what was planned to be a weekly column (like my desire to ever weigh under two hundred, it was a pipe dream, at best). Trying to juggle too many balls will do that to you. Trying to juggle said balls while they're still attached to random tranny hookers you picked up on Santa Monica in the back seat of your family truckster behind the dumpster of a Carl's Jr. is also not suggested, lest you be accused of "going Hollywood" and "selling out." But, oh ... that sweet forbidden tranny fruit...
*ahem*
All marital and societal deviancy aside, I'm bi-zack in this bi-zotch, and here's the latest beats to the rhyme ...
The movie's done. Shoot went incredibly well. Vilmos shot a gorgeous movie that nobody's going to believe I had anything to do with. The moment I got back to L.A., I locked myself in an editing room and haven't emerged since.
Until now.
Last night, I came to the bottom of the "Footage To Be Cut" bin in our Avid, and found there was no more movie left. With the exception of one scene we shoot on January 8th, we're ostensibly done with the first pass. Didn't want to time it out yet, but I'm betting it's between 2:15 and 2:30. My latest mantra is "If JERRY MAGUIRE can work at 2:18, we can work at 2:18 ..." but that might just be the high (and laze) of wrapping up a first cut talking. We'll see. Regardless, the movie can now be watched end-to-end, without me stopping every few scenes to explain to the viewer what happens next (now I only have to stop once).
As for the film -- well, I'll say this: I ****ing love it. I do. I really adore it -- moreso than anything we've ever done before. Outside of marrying Schwalbach and being too lazy to rip open a prophylactic that apparently had Harley's name written all over it (though not necessarily in that order), it's the best thing I've ever done. That's not to say it's for everybody; in fact, a good number of the folks who've loved our previous flicks will probably abandon us after seeing JERSEY GIRL is nothing like them (not even AMY), if they even see it at all. Anybody who incorporates "Snootchie Bootchies!" into their Internet postings or daily conversations might wanna wait for the CLERKS cartoon flick (which -- take this as promise or a threat -- is next for us) and skip this one. I'll save you the time of having to post this on our Web-board and let you know that I understand you feel I'm a "p***y," a "sell-out," "I've lost it" (whatever "it" was), and I "eat cok." You're not going to change my mind about the flick; I just love it too much.
But lest it get hyped to disappointment, that's all I'm going to say about JERSEY GIRL right now,
*whistles*
Uh-oh ...
Standard Smith inability ... to keep ... word or deadline ... kicking in ...
Must ... gush ... some ... more ...
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, a word or two more on the subject.
Ben's so good in this movie, it makes me sick sometimes. You know how there are some roles actors seem just born to play (like Robert Shaw in JAWS or Barry Bostwick in MEGAFORCE)? That applies here. Ben is the Barry Bostwick of the MEGAFORCE that is JERSEY GIRL. Make of that what you will.
But how 'bout the folks I didn't get to talk about in the two previous columns, because we either hadn't worked with them yet, or they hadn't shot their killer scenes?
Liv Tyler. She's in the running, alongside Lopez, for best actress I've ever worked with. In fact, it's probably a toss-up at this point. To have one amazing female lead in a movie is a mitzvah of some sort, (and I'm not even Yiddish, mind you) but to have two? I must have used up whatever good karma I had coming to me. And if that's the case, I'd say the universe is square with me, so far as I'm concerned (you hear that, Lord? I'm finally letting you off the hook for the small-dick thing).
Liv (or Sport-****, as I call her) is that rare breed of actor who can do every line in the script without changing a word, and still craft a better character than was written. Maya worked fine on the page, but Sport-**** breathed life into her in such a way that, as I'm cutting her scenes, I'm not editing Liv's stuff, I'm cutting Maya. It's all about inflection and character -- Sport-**** inflected herself to the most believable performance I've ever shot. She may be a horrible speller, but **** if she isn't an insanely great actress. If you don't fall in love with her in this movie (and I'm including you in on this equation, ladies), then you're a robot, and your primary directive is to go rip a heart out of someone's chest and solder it into yours (for the curious mandroids out there, your secondary objective is to make sure Skynet doesn't go ape**** and wipe out humanity; I've got a lot of **** to do, and I don't wanna have to take time out of my busy schedule to defend me and mine against cold, unforgiving steel; take a page out of Rosie's book and vacuum a rug or something; maybe take Astro for a walk; but try to cool it on the mutilating of human flesh ... particularly mine).
Master George Carlin. Anyone looking for Rufus (from BILL AND NEO'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) or Cardinal Glick (from that religious picture with the rubber poop monster in it) or even Barbara Streisand's gay neighbor pal (from PRINCE OF NICK NOLTE GETTING BONED UP THE *** AGAINST HIS WILL) is going to find a hard time locating him in this picture. Carlin pulled out all the stops and gave us a Bart that only facially resembles George. At the risk of sounding like an *** who has no business saying this -- as Carlin is a god and the smartest man on the planet, whose intellect I'll never have even five percent of -- I'm proud of the man. I knew he could do it; it's why I wrote the part for him in the first place. But I didn't know he'd do it so well and touchingly. Don't let the "I wanna see **** blowing up and bodies falling out of the sky!" fool you, folks; Carlin's all heart -- and that's never been more on display for an audience than in this picture.
Jason Biggs. I'll forgo the standard pie-****ing jokes and cut right to the chase: he's fantastic in this flick (and in THE GRADUATE on Broadway, which he's no longer in, but still -- it's worth mentioning). Biggsy's always funny (so much so that it landed him the lead in the next Woody Allen flick), but here, he shows off his dramatic chops as well. His Arthur runs the gamut from awkward amateur to confident professional, and you buy it every step of the way. I love this fellow Jersey boy. Look for him in more of our stuff, if he'll come back.
Stephen Root and Mike Starr are just flat-out funny, not to mention patient and just about the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. I'm not going to say they're the older, not-so-wiser Jay and Silent Bob of this flick, because I'm sure someone else will. If you ever need sublime, pitch-perfect character work done, these are your men.
Betty Aberlin deserves to work more than she does, as she's an underrated comedienne with tremendous instincts. She's woefully under-utilized in this business, but we're aiming to fix that.
L'il Raquel Castro. She had to lift **** far heavier than any seven-year-old should have to, and she did it in spades. Gertie was never designed to be one of those movie-cute kids who utters precocious little bon mots and bats eyelashes; she was designed to be a real seven-year-old kid. And that's exactly what Raquel gave us. She's adorable, but not gratingly so, and I can't thank her enough for that. She's the quiet little heart of our film, upon whose very small shoulders the whole movie rides, and I can safely say that she handles that task like a pro. Expect big things from this little package.
And lastly, there's Slopez. I've gushed so much about her in the previous columns that all I'll say here is she finished as strongly as she started. We couldn't have found a better Gertrude. However, I will add this: I don't think I've ever cast an actor who's engendered as much ire and bile as Jen does -- and it's all unfounded. She's too sweet and too hard-working to warrant **** like this being dropped in my e-mail (reprinted in its entirety, with name withheld) ...
Kevin-
I am sending this letter to you, since you are a friend of Ben's. As a fan, I'm wondering if those who are close to him are unable to see a change in 'style' with him? I have never seen Ben wear the 'pimp style' jewelry that he is now adorning. I have seen this type of jewelry on Sean 'Puffy,' 'P. Diddy' Combs. More recently, I've seen it on Cris Judd. Since there is only one person connected to these three guys--Ben, Cris Judd and Puffy , I wonder who's influence this is?! It is also interesting and troubling to hear/see Ben out on so many shopping trips. Apparently, 'Jenny from the block's love does cost a thing!' Obviously, this is something that Ben is unable to see, now that he is wearing his rose-colored glasses. Ben once said about when he's in love that he has the tendency to be 'swept away.' 'Swept away' may actually be a good term and soon his bank account will be 'swept away' too, by the way he's going through the money with this materialistic user. As an outsider, you don't have to be a real genius to see what type of a person she is. Ben deserves much better than her. He is clearly being taken advantage of. What woman in her position, when she has one of the most decent, gentlemanly and handsomest guys around, would actually be comfortable accepting incredibly expensive jewelry from him? If I were in her shoes, having Ben Affleck as my boyfriend would be all that I would need! I would not trot him out everywhere, where people could see us, using my relationship with him to generate talk and free publicity. I have an enormous amount of respect for him and it's heartbreaking to see him with someone with immoral values. Someone that uses whatever guy-of-the-moment she's involved with for something or another. I hope that those who 'claim' to care about him and those who say they are his 'friend' will prove that they do care and that they are his friend, and not sit back being a kiss *** with someone who uses men in more than one way and doesn't take her marriages seriously. I hope that someone will have the balls to pull him aside and encourage him to not rush into anything with someone who's last two marriages didn't even last a year! Eventually, J.HO will break his heart and in just knowing that, it's heartbreaking. His fans don't want to see him hurt and we don't want to see him rush into a marriage with someone who obviously doesn't take her marital vows seriously and lies to God when reciting those vows.
Whatever you saw between them on the set of your movie, doesn't mean that it's 'true love running both ways.' On her part, it's lust and the fact that she's got a 'sugar daddy,' who'll do anything/buy anything for her because he's blinded by love. How heartbreaking that is!
I mean, who the **** spends this much time dwelling on the affairs of people they've never met. Good God ...
But it didn't end there. Here's the rest.
Speaking of the movie, please note that Ben Affleck fans will refrain from all movies that feature him and J. Ho (AKA: Jennifer Lopez). Ben fans have no interest and are disgusted when it comes to movies that feature them.
"I am the Borax. I speak for Ben's fans."
BTW, when this 'relationship' breaks up, if Ben would like to get involved with a girl who would respect him, not use her relationship with him for publicity or want publicity, and not need any material things-especially flashy in-your-face jewelry, who would consider Ben 'the only diamond' that she would need, let him know that she's in AZ and that my love don't cost a thing. Ok?
How genius is that? No agenda there, not at all. ****ing people can be crazy when they've got too much free time and an apparent lack of interest in their own lives. Someone cancel that girl's subscription to US WEEKLY and PEOPLE, but quick.
And while we're in the mailbag, here's another e-mail I got, regarding the two previous JERSEY GIRL columns (again, reprinted in its entirety with name withheld) ...
I need to ask you a questions about this update you have posted on your site: Are you kidding me with this sunshine up the *** ****? I mean, I appreciate the fine sentiment about how the cast is getting along and how breathtaking it must be to see love blossom between "Bender" and "JLo", but Jesus, your column reads like a 10th grade love letter.
****. I was going for at least 11th grade ...
If you insist on being flowery, couldn't you at least try to sound a little less sophomoric
Man, I hope that pun was intended ...
(pun intended)?
Phew!
If you won't, then I understand, but I think I'm gonna stop reading the column
You do that, and you'll miss seeing your condescension and bitterness in lights.
because I don't think I can take the obvious PR and promo anymore.
You know, not every kind sentiment is PR or promo. In fact, PR and promo are normally saved for around the time the movie's being promoted, not almost a year in advance.
But, hey -- you're the shepherd, Will.
You are watched because of your wit, dont' forget that.
Snappy Answer #1: See! I knew I was being watched! And people called me paranoid!
Snappy Answer #2: I thought I was watched simply because people couldn't see around my girth.
That being said, I think that you are a great talent and wish you the best of luck on your upcoming piece.
You had me at "That being said."
I am not a film maker or a director,
What a coincidence! Neither am I!
just an actress who does a little law school on the side. Fondest Regards,
Quick! Send me your head shot and resume, and I'll cast you and pen 10th-grade level sunshine-up-the-*** **** about you too!
On matters unrelated to JERSEY GIRL ...
Columbia/Tristar's EVENING WITH KEVIN SMITH DVD hits shelves next week, December 17th. Two discs, between three and four hours of a fat guy sweating a lot and answering questions. If you're remotely into my ****, it's right up your alley. If you're not into my **** at all ... well then, what the **** are you doing reading this 10th-grade level, sunshine-up-the-*** **** for?
My involvement with SCARY MOVIE 3. Here's the story: After the Wayans brothers took what was supposed to be SCARY MOVIE 3 elsewhere, Bob Weinstein called and asked if I'd look at the Dimension draft of the latest SCARY MOVIE when they were done with it, and maybe add a joke here or there. I asked him who was writing it, and he said he hadn't assigned it yet. So I suggested a guy I knew was perfect for the gig: Poop Shoot's own Brian Lynch. Bob met with Brian, and brought him on as one of the writers, along with David Zucker and Pat Profft. For this, I was offered an Exec Producer credit. Somehow, the trades translated this as me Co-Writing. If maybe doing a polish on a script that will be far funnier than anything I can think up is considered Co-Writing, then I guess I'm a Co-Writer. However, with these three funny guys involved, chances are, I'll have nothing to add but the sound of my laughter (with, mind you; not at).
SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. I got bogged down with production, but rest assured, the last two issues are coming.
DAREDEVIL/BULLSEYE: THE TARGET. Some folks have bitched about the September 11th content of the book and how dated they felt it was (Good Lord, how quickly some people forget...). In my defense I'll say this: the script was written last December, a bit closer to the actual tragedy. But regardless, as a guy who saw those Towers almost every day for thirty years or so, their absence -- not to mention the loss of lives and the horror of the act responsible for both -- is something that will affect me forever. Maybe if you never lived in the tri-state area, September 11th doesn't have as much resonance, and you were able to go back to business as usual; but for New Yorkers and those of us who grew up in the shadow of the City, life still hasn't gone back to normal, and probably never will. I live on the other side of the country now, and it still haunts me. My apologies if those feelings, expressed through a character native to New York, got in the way of your desire to simply see a guy in tights beat the **** out of another guy in tights. You might want to skip the rest of the series.
The DAREDEVIL Movie. I saw it. It's great. Mark and Co. nailed the tone of the character/book. If you're a fan of the comics/character, you'll dig this flick.
The Jen Saves Ben game. Some folks have asked about when this is going to be available. Sorry -- it was a wrap gift for just Bennifer. The guys at Powerhouse Animation (the ones behind that HEROES short with Cap and DD as Dante and Randal) created it, and did a great job.
There is, however, another game; two, actually.
If you're at Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, you can check them out. There's one called Jay and Silent Bob Save the Stash, and another one called Dogma 2: Electric Boogaloo. They're pretty sweet, and if you ask Walter really nicely, he'll probably let you play them for free.
The Next Flick. Now that we're wrapped on JERSEY GIRL, I keep getting this "What're you doing next?" ****. Aside from the CLERKS cartoon movie (which, once I'm done writing, is out of my hands and into the hands of the directors/animators), truth is, I'm not sure. There are a few options (FLETCH WON - but only if they let Lee play Fletch; this sci-fi thing I've been toying with, and a pair of comic-book flicks: one that's very close to my heart and one that would be completely out of left field) but I've yet to figure it out. For the first time in the nearly 10 years we've been doing this, I find myself at the end of one movie, not knowing what the next one will be. No complaints, mind you; it's actually kind of nice. But weird. Maybe it's time for a vacation finally.
Next Month: the JERSEY GIRL photo essay!
See I said there was a Clerks cartoon movie! People called me crazy...but I was right! I so can't wait for that. The film was genius, the cartoon was genius add that together and you have a mega genius cartoon film on your hands. I believe it's called Clerks: Sell Out.
Oh yeah and I noticed the Jersy Girl section of the Viewaskew online shop has been added. Only one item so far and that's just a bumper sticker.
Oh yeah and I noticed the Jersy Girl section of the Viewaskew online shop has been added. Only one item so far and that's just a bumper sticker.
I can't wait for this film :)
I really can't. Dogma, Chasing Amy and Mallrats ruled. I still have to see Clerks and Jay & Bob Strike Back though :|
Kevin Smith is a genius. 'Nuff said.
I really can't. Dogma, Chasing Amy and Mallrats ruled. I still have to see Clerks and Jay & Bob Strike Back though :|
Kevin Smith is a genius. 'Nuff said.
I bet that pumped up your word count.
;)
;)
I was thinking the exact same thing. Nice to see someone say it (if I can use the term loosely - this is a chat forum, you know :D) though :)
Could've just posted the link...
Not that I give a toss :D
Could've just posted the link...
Not that I give a toss :D
I don't really give a crap about word count.
Blah blah everyone was great blah.
Good to know there's another Clerks flick on the way though.
Good to know there's another Clerks flick on the way though.
CDouch wrote:
> I don't really give a crap about word count.
*Cough*
> I don't really give a crap about word count.
*Cough*
Cheers Cdouch, I'm glad someone posts this here cos I keep forgetting to check viewaskew.
Nice one
Nice one