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Gerridville News Report for 23rd Octember, 2005
Undertakers Overrun with business
The only undertaking service in Gerridville has recently been inundated with business, and is struggling to cope with the demands of the recently deceased. The CEO, Meredith Trembling had this to say on the matter:
“We are a small, family run business, and neither have the staff nor the resources to deal with more than four dead people a week. We were very surprised when we got so many requests for funeral services, as most people just bury their dead relatives in their gardens and be done with it. Only the wealthy usually use our premium service, and even then, they don’t use it very often, because cryogenic freezing is cheaper, and often more effective”
“Our only gravedigger, Meredith (Trembling Funerals insist that all employees are called Meredith) just can’t dig enough graves to put them all in. We’ve got corpses all over the place, what are we supposed to do?”
Social commentator Jeremy Frodston suggests a reason for the massive increase in demand for professional funeral services:
“The practice in Gerridville concerning the disposal of corpses has been the same for many years now. People generally just bury others wherever they find a big enough space, or drop them in rivers, or stuff them and give them to old people as new friends, and leave it at that, but these practices have had their repercussions. Lately, stuffed corpses have been causing problems in old people’s homes, as the nurses struggle to distinguish between the living and the dead, often making the wrong choices and incinerating elderly inhabitants. People seem to be worrying that they can’t deal with the dead like this anymore, and the recent article in the Gerribunal about the afterlife seems to have sparked off a new trend for funerals.”
Many construction firms are taking advantage of this new business opportunity, and are offering families the option to have deceased relatives built into the foundations of new buildings. This idea seems to be a hit, with many people taking advantage of the offer. Outlandish architect Rullus Trupscuppy has recently announced plans for a new public library in the town centre; built entirely out of knees and earholes.
Prison system in ruins
This week, there have been twelve separate breakouts from Gerridville’s two major prisons, Rogerhide and Marridgate. Penal officials are extremely concerned after such a huge breach in the security of the prisons, and are imploring anyone with any ideas for improving inmate security to come forward.
It has been confirmed that all twelve escapees used the same method for their break out, involving Harry Potter’s eggs and flashing lights. Apparently, one inmate had discovered a loophole in the system, allowing him to keep a strobe light in his cell, and he somehow used this to escape the supposedly iron fortress than was Rogerhide, while others followed soon after. Officials are not releasing any further details, as they are worried other inmates may attempt the same method.
One resident, Alf Ribbons (whom you may remember alerted police to the great leaf scandal of ’03), suggested that prisoners be shot on site, as this would reduce the amount of escapees dramatically. Another method suggested was to have inmates tethered to a small pole, and covered in leeches. However, officials failed to see how this would help the situation.
Social Commentator Jeremy Frodston revealed his ideas on the issue:
“Crime needs to be stopped full stop. At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, and all the eggs are in one basket, we see that the problem is overcrowding. We need to cut crime off at the roots, push it off the horse before it can get back on and continue its rampage. Children need to be taught that crime is wrong at the earliest age possible. One way to do this would be to subject them to the horrors of prison life. Mandatory 12-month prison sentences for all over 12s would scare all children away from crime, and decrease crime rates dramatically, if not totally. This solution would not cause a loss of jobs in the penal system either, as there would be a constant influx of new, juvenile inmates. This, coupled with a plan to reduce the benefits of inmates, as to decrease their enjoyment of prison life, would have a dramatic, and far reaching effect.”
The government is taking this suggestion seriously, and is also introducing a new benefit system for police officers, in bid to recruit a new, more efficient police force. These benefits include free funeral services for the officer’s family, and also the ability to wander the streets unclothed, free from prosecution.
Shocking discovery about City officials.
A confidential source high up in the Gerridville government has revealed exclusively to the Gerridville News that the City is being run by a family of shaved mice. The mice, previously thought to be intelligent human politicians, have been dealing with the City’s day to day running for well over twelve months now.
Suspicions were aroused lately, when the budget report showed the government had been spending excessively on mice shavers. Some now suggest this was because the mice needed shaving constantly, but reports aren’t confirmed as yet.
This shocking news has worried citizens greatly, as they learned their welfare was being controlled by a group of bald rodents, but others were less concerned.
Infamous animal rights activist, Crobb Jessop, currently in hiding after skipping trial for excessive public nudity, was heard to comment:
“Why shouldn’t mice be given the same opportunities as humans? If they want to be politicians, who are we to stop them? If they want to shave themselves constantly, who are we to say they can’t? As far as I can see, they have been doing a fantastic job, and I for one shall be campaigning for more hairless mice in public office.”
There is no law forbidding the placement of rodents in places of authority, and so nothing can be done about these shocking revelations until the mayoral elections in February, although the current opposition has a very low rating in the polls, and drastic changes would be needed to displace the shaved mice from office.
New craze hits the city.
A new fad is sweeping Gerridville inhabitants by storm lately. After a visit by the Screaming Drama Group last Thursday, conceptual dance has become the pastime of the masses. Apparently more popular than weasel hunting, Conceptual Dance is a group activity, whereby a collection of individuals expresses their feelings through bodily movements and shrieking sounds.
The new craze is the most popular in council estates, where single mothers and drunken husbands pass their hours waiting on their social welfare payments expressing their grief en masse. The noise of screaming women can be heard regularly, all over the city, every weekday morning.
A single mother, living in a flat in Greenage Estate, explains why she thinks conceptual dance has become so popular.
“Well, we was running out of weasels to skin, and then this guy comes along and shows us how we can show our emotions through dance, and it really helps, you know? Like, when you’re feeling down or whatever, you can just start waving your arms and legs about and embodying your feelings, and it’s like a release for all your thinks. I think everybody likes it because it’s like a community thing, ain’t it? I mean, we can all do it together, and then we understand each other more, and then we don’t fight as much. I’m really looking forward to the big parade on Friday, because then I can meet other single mums and we can bond through our art”
A mass march is planned for this Friday, when participants will dance conceptually through the streets, showing the world how peaceful they are.
The police are wary, however, and believe it could get violent:
“We know these arty types. They say they’re all peaceful, and then they start destroying bollards and looting corner shops, just for the hell of it. We’re taking every precaution to ensure this march doesn’t get out of hand.”
Says new Riot Police Chief Marlow Grady. His unit has requested firearms and extra anthrax grenades for the gathering.
Personals:
· Small, unhealthy cat for sale. Used, but in good quality. £3 ONO. Box 12
· Tractor wheels available for free. Have been made by cheetahs. Call 32-45556-2 if interested
· Leper children required for menial work. Will be paid with puppies covered in chocolate. 234-55-433
· Cheese grater for sale. Has been used, requires cleaning. Possible uses: bondage, cheese grating. Contact Ron the Beast on 12-3244-34
· Opening in gutting section of marmoset sandwich factory. Must be under 12. £1 an hour, free sandwiches. 78-43-5676
Undertakers Overrun with business
The only undertaking service in Gerridville has recently been inundated with business, and is struggling to cope with the demands of the recently deceased. The CEO, Meredith Trembling had this to say on the matter:
“We are a small, family run business, and neither have the staff nor the resources to deal with more than four dead people a week. We were very surprised when we got so many requests for funeral services, as most people just bury their dead relatives in their gardens and be done with it. Only the wealthy usually use our premium service, and even then, they don’t use it very often, because cryogenic freezing is cheaper, and often more effective”
“Our only gravedigger, Meredith (Trembling Funerals insist that all employees are called Meredith) just can’t dig enough graves to put them all in. We’ve got corpses all over the place, what are we supposed to do?”
Social commentator Jeremy Frodston suggests a reason for the massive increase in demand for professional funeral services:
“The practice in Gerridville concerning the disposal of corpses has been the same for many years now. People generally just bury others wherever they find a big enough space, or drop them in rivers, or stuff them and give them to old people as new friends, and leave it at that, but these practices have had their repercussions. Lately, stuffed corpses have been causing problems in old people’s homes, as the nurses struggle to distinguish between the living and the dead, often making the wrong choices and incinerating elderly inhabitants. People seem to be worrying that they can’t deal with the dead like this anymore, and the recent article in the Gerribunal about the afterlife seems to have sparked off a new trend for funerals.”
Many construction firms are taking advantage of this new business opportunity, and are offering families the option to have deceased relatives built into the foundations of new buildings. This idea seems to be a hit, with many people taking advantage of the offer. Outlandish architect Rullus Trupscuppy has recently announced plans for a new public library in the town centre; built entirely out of knees and earholes.
Prison system in ruins
This week, there have been twelve separate breakouts from Gerridville’s two major prisons, Rogerhide and Marridgate. Penal officials are extremely concerned after such a huge breach in the security of the prisons, and are imploring anyone with any ideas for improving inmate security to come forward.
It has been confirmed that all twelve escapees used the same method for their break out, involving Harry Potter’s eggs and flashing lights. Apparently, one inmate had discovered a loophole in the system, allowing him to keep a strobe light in his cell, and he somehow used this to escape the supposedly iron fortress than was Rogerhide, while others followed soon after. Officials are not releasing any further details, as they are worried other inmates may attempt the same method.
One resident, Alf Ribbons (whom you may remember alerted police to the great leaf scandal of ’03), suggested that prisoners be shot on site, as this would reduce the amount of escapees dramatically. Another method suggested was to have inmates tethered to a small pole, and covered in leeches. However, officials failed to see how this would help the situation.
Social Commentator Jeremy Frodston revealed his ideas on the issue:
“Crime needs to be stopped full stop. At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, and all the eggs are in one basket, we see that the problem is overcrowding. We need to cut crime off at the roots, push it off the horse before it can get back on and continue its rampage. Children need to be taught that crime is wrong at the earliest age possible. One way to do this would be to subject them to the horrors of prison life. Mandatory 12-month prison sentences for all over 12s would scare all children away from crime, and decrease crime rates dramatically, if not totally. This solution would not cause a loss of jobs in the penal system either, as there would be a constant influx of new, juvenile inmates. This, coupled with a plan to reduce the benefits of inmates, as to decrease their enjoyment of prison life, would have a dramatic, and far reaching effect.”
The government is taking this suggestion seriously, and is also introducing a new benefit system for police officers, in bid to recruit a new, more efficient police force. These benefits include free funeral services for the officer’s family, and also the ability to wander the streets unclothed, free from prosecution.
Shocking discovery about City officials.
A confidential source high up in the Gerridville government has revealed exclusively to the Gerridville News that the City is being run by a family of shaved mice. The mice, previously thought to be intelligent human politicians, have been dealing with the City’s day to day running for well over twelve months now.
Suspicions were aroused lately, when the budget report showed the government had been spending excessively on mice shavers. Some now suggest this was because the mice needed shaving constantly, but reports aren’t confirmed as yet.
This shocking news has worried citizens greatly, as they learned their welfare was being controlled by a group of bald rodents, but others were less concerned.
Infamous animal rights activist, Crobb Jessop, currently in hiding after skipping trial for excessive public nudity, was heard to comment:
“Why shouldn’t mice be given the same opportunities as humans? If they want to be politicians, who are we to stop them? If they want to shave themselves constantly, who are we to say they can’t? As far as I can see, they have been doing a fantastic job, and I for one shall be campaigning for more hairless mice in public office.”
There is no law forbidding the placement of rodents in places of authority, and so nothing can be done about these shocking revelations until the mayoral elections in February, although the current opposition has a very low rating in the polls, and drastic changes would be needed to displace the shaved mice from office.
New craze hits the city.
A new fad is sweeping Gerridville inhabitants by storm lately. After a visit by the Screaming Drama Group last Thursday, conceptual dance has become the pastime of the masses. Apparently more popular than weasel hunting, Conceptual Dance is a group activity, whereby a collection of individuals expresses their feelings through bodily movements and shrieking sounds.
The new craze is the most popular in council estates, where single mothers and drunken husbands pass their hours waiting on their social welfare payments expressing their grief en masse. The noise of screaming women can be heard regularly, all over the city, every weekday morning.
A single mother, living in a flat in Greenage Estate, explains why she thinks conceptual dance has become so popular.
“Well, we was running out of weasels to skin, and then this guy comes along and shows us how we can show our emotions through dance, and it really helps, you know? Like, when you’re feeling down or whatever, you can just start waving your arms and legs about and embodying your feelings, and it’s like a release for all your thinks. I think everybody likes it because it’s like a community thing, ain’t it? I mean, we can all do it together, and then we understand each other more, and then we don’t fight as much. I’m really looking forward to the big parade on Friday, because then I can meet other single mums and we can bond through our art”
A mass march is planned for this Friday, when participants will dance conceptually through the streets, showing the world how peaceful they are.
The police are wary, however, and believe it could get violent:
“We know these arty types. They say they’re all peaceful, and then they start destroying bollards and looting corner shops, just for the hell of it. We’re taking every precaution to ensure this march doesn’t get out of hand.”
Says new Riot Police Chief Marlow Grady. His unit has requested firearms and extra anthrax grenades for the gathering.
Personals:
· Small, unhealthy cat for sale. Used, but in good quality. £3 ONO. Box 12
· Tractor wheels available for free. Have been made by cheetahs. Call 32-45556-2 if interested
· Leper children required for menial work. Will be paid with puppies covered in chocolate. 234-55-433
· Cheese grater for sale. Has been used, requires cleaning. Possible uses: bondage, cheese grating. Contact Ron the Beast on 12-3244-34
· Opening in gutting section of marmoset sandwich factory. Must be under 12. £1 an hour, free sandwiches. 78-43-5676
Amaztastic. Geniumazing.
:)
:)
hahahaha genius. It's funny because no one posted about it. It should win maybe.
Yey, Yey and a thousand times Yey!
Good to see Gerridville in a state of ruin though. Ripe for pillaging.
Good to see Gerridville in a state of ruin though. Ripe for pillaging.
YeY!
The Gerridville News making yet another appearence.
Some interesting events.
The Gerridville News making yet another appearence.
Some interesting events.
Wahey, good ol' Gerridville.
Nice one.
Nice one.
Gerridville News Report for 23rd Octember, 2005
Undertakers Overrun with business
The only undertaking service in Gerridville has recently been inundated with business, and is struggling to cope with the demands of the recently deceased. The CEO, Meredith Trembling had this to say on the matter:
“We are a small, family run business, and neither have the staff nor the resources to deal with more than four dead people a week. We were very surprised when we got so many requests for funeral services, as most people just bury their dead relatives in their gardens and be done with it. Only the wealthy usually use our premium service, and even then, they don’t use it very often, because cryogenic freezing is cheaper, and often more effective”
“Our only gravedigger, Meredith (Trembling Funerals insist that all employees are called Meredith) just can’t dig enough graves to put them all in. We’ve got corpses all over the place, what are we supposed to do?”
Social commentator Jeremy Frodston suggests a reason for the massive increase in demand for professional funeral services:
“The practice in Gerridville concerning the disposal of corpses has been the same for many years now. People generally just bury others wherever they find a big enough space, or drop them in rivers, or stuff them and give them to old people as new friends, and leave it at that, but these practices have had their repercussions. Lately, stuffed corpses have been causing problems in old people’s homes, as the nurses struggle to distinguish between the living and the dead, often making the wrong choices and incinerating elderly inhabitants. People seem to be worrying that they can’t deal with the dead like this anymore, and the recent article in the Gerribunal about the afterlife seems to have sparked off a new trend for funerals.”
Many construction firms are taking advantage of this new business opportunity, and are offering families the option to have deceased relatives built into the foundations of new buildings. This idea seems to be a hit, with many people taking advantage of the offer. Outlandish architect Rullus Trupscuppy has recently announced plans for a new public library in the town centre; built entirely out of knees and earholes.
Prison system in ruins
This week, there have been twelve separate breakouts from Gerridville’s two major prisons, Rogerhide and Marridgate. Penal officials are extremely concerned after such a huge breach in the security of the prisons, and are imploring anyone with any ideas for improving inmate security to come forward.
It has been confirmed that all twelve escapees used the same method for their break out, involving Harry Potter’s eggs and flashing lights. Apparently, one inmate had discovered a loophole in the system, allowing him to keep a strobe light in his cell, and he somehow used this to escape the supposedly iron fortress than was Rogerhide, while others followed soon after. Officials are not releasing any further details, as they are worried other inmates may attempt the same method.
One resident, Alf Ribbons (whom you may remember alerted police to the great leaf scandal of ’03), suggested that prisoners be shot on site, as this would reduce the amount of escapees dramatically. Another method suggested was to have inmates tethered to a small pole, and covered in leeches. However, officials failed to see how this would help the situation.
Social Commentator Jeremy Frodston revealed his ideas on the issue:
“Crime needs to be stopped full stop. At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, and all the eggs are in one basket, we see that the problem is overcrowding. We need to cut crime off at the roots, push it off the horse before it can get back on and continue its rampage. Children need to be taught that crime is wrong at the earliest age possible. One way to do this would be to subject them to the horrors of prison life. Mandatory 12-month prison sentences for all over 12s would scare all children away from crime, and decrease crime rates dramatically, if not totally. This solution would not cause a loss of jobs in the penal system either, as there would be a constant influx of new, juvenile inmates. This, coupled with a plan to reduce the benefits of inmates, as to decrease their enjoyment of prison life, would have a dramatic, and far reaching effect.”
The government is taking this suggestion seriously, and is also introducing a new benefit system for police officers, in bid to recruit a new, more efficient police force. These benefits include free funeral services for the officer’s family, and also the ability to wander the streets unclothed, free from prosecution.
Shocking discovery about City officials.
A confidential source high up in the Gerridville government has revealed exclusively to the Gerridville News that the City is being run by a family of shaved mice. The mice, previously thought to be intelligent human politicians, have been dealing with the City’s day to day running for well over twelve months now.
Suspicions were aroused lately, when the budget report showed the government had been spending excessively on mice shavers. Some now suggest this was because the mice needed shaving constantly, but reports aren’t confirmed as yet.
This shocking news has worried citizens greatly, as they learned their welfare was being controlled by a group of bald rodents, but others were less concerned.
Infamous animal rights activist, Crobb Jessop, currently in hiding after skipping trial for excessive public nudity, was heard to comment:
“Why shouldn’t mice be given the same opportunities as humans? If they want to be politicians, who are we to stop them? If they want to shave themselves constantly, who are we to say they can’t? As far as I can see, they have been doing a fantastic job, and I for one shall be campaigning for more hairless mice in public office.”
There is no law forbidding the placement of rodents in places of authority, and so nothing can be done about these shocking revelations until the mayoral elections in February, although the current opposition has a very low rating in the polls, and drastic changes would be needed to displace the shaved mice from office.
New craze hits the city.
A new fad is sweeping Gerridville inhabitants by storm lately. After a visit by the Screaming Drama Group last Thursday, conceptual dance has become the pastime of the masses. Apparently more popular than weasel hunting, Conceptual Dance is a group activity, whereby a collection of individuals expresses their feelings through bodily movements and shrieking sounds.
The new craze is the most popular in council estates, where single mothers and drunken husbands pass their hours waiting on their social welfare payments expressing their grief en masse. The noise of screaming women can be heard regularly, all over the city, every weekday morning.
A single mother, living in a flat in Greenage Estate, explains why she thinks conceptual dance has become so popular.
“Well, we was running out of weasels to skin, and then this guy comes along and shows us how we can show our emotions through dance, and it really helps, you know? Like, when you’re feeling down or whatever, you can just start waving your arms and legs about and embodying your feelings, and it’s like a release for all your thinks. I think everybody likes it because it’s like a community thing, ain’t it? I mean, we can all do it together, and then we understand each other more, and then we don’t fight as much. I’m really looking forward to the big parade on Friday, because then I can meet other single mums and we can bond through our art”
A mass march is planned for this Friday, when participants will dance conceptually through the streets, showing the world how peaceful they are.
The police are wary, however, and believe it could get violent:
“We know these arty types. They say they’re all peaceful, and then they start destroying bollards and looting corner shops, just for the hell of it. We’re taking every precaution to ensure this march doesn’t get out of hand.”
Says new Riot Police Chief Marlow Grady. His unit has requested firearms and extra anthrax grenades for the gathering.
Personals:
· Small, unhealthy cat for sale. Used, but in good quality. £3 ONO. Box 12
· Tractor wheels available for free. Have been made by cheetahs. Call 32-45556-2 if interested
· Leper children required for menial work. Will be paid with puppies covered in chocolate. 234-55-433
· Cheese grater for sale. Has been used, requires cleaning. Possible uses: bondage, cheese grating. Contact Ron the Beast on 12-3244-34
· Opening in gutting section of marmoset sandwich factory. Must be under 12. £1 an hour, free sandwiches. 78-43-5676
Undertakers Overrun with business
The only undertaking service in Gerridville has recently been inundated with business, and is struggling to cope with the demands of the recently deceased. The CEO, Meredith Trembling had this to say on the matter:
“We are a small, family run business, and neither have the staff nor the resources to deal with more than four dead people a week. We were very surprised when we got so many requests for funeral services, as most people just bury their dead relatives in their gardens and be done with it. Only the wealthy usually use our premium service, and even then, they don’t use it very often, because cryogenic freezing is cheaper, and often more effective”
“Our only gravedigger, Meredith (Trembling Funerals insist that all employees are called Meredith) just can’t dig enough graves to put them all in. We’ve got corpses all over the place, what are we supposed to do?”
Social commentator Jeremy Frodston suggests a reason for the massive increase in demand for professional funeral services:
“The practice in Gerridville concerning the disposal of corpses has been the same for many years now. People generally just bury others wherever they find a big enough space, or drop them in rivers, or stuff them and give them to old people as new friends, and leave it at that, but these practices have had their repercussions. Lately, stuffed corpses have been causing problems in old people’s homes, as the nurses struggle to distinguish between the living and the dead, often making the wrong choices and incinerating elderly inhabitants. People seem to be worrying that they can’t deal with the dead like this anymore, and the recent article in the Gerribunal about the afterlife seems to have sparked off a new trend for funerals.”
Many construction firms are taking advantage of this new business opportunity, and are offering families the option to have deceased relatives built into the foundations of new buildings. This idea seems to be a hit, with many people taking advantage of the offer. Outlandish architect Rullus Trupscuppy has recently announced plans for a new public library in the town centre; built entirely out of knees and earholes.
Prison system in ruins
This week, there have been twelve separate breakouts from Gerridville’s two major prisons, Rogerhide and Marridgate. Penal officials are extremely concerned after such a huge breach in the security of the prisons, and are imploring anyone with any ideas for improving inmate security to come forward.
It has been confirmed that all twelve escapees used the same method for their break out, involving Harry Potter’s eggs and flashing lights. Apparently, one inmate had discovered a loophole in the system, allowing him to keep a strobe light in his cell, and he somehow used this to escape the supposedly iron fortress than was Rogerhide, while others followed soon after. Officials are not releasing any further details, as they are worried other inmates may attempt the same method.
One resident, Alf Ribbons (whom you may remember alerted police to the great leaf scandal of ’03), suggested that prisoners be shot on site, as this would reduce the amount of escapees dramatically. Another method suggested was to have inmates tethered to a small pole, and covered in leeches. However, officials failed to see how this would help the situation.
Social Commentator Jeremy Frodston revealed his ideas on the issue:
“Crime needs to be stopped full stop. At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, and all the eggs are in one basket, we see that the problem is overcrowding. We need to cut crime off at the roots, push it off the horse before it can get back on and continue its rampage. Children need to be taught that crime is wrong at the earliest age possible. One way to do this would be to subject them to the horrors of prison life. Mandatory 12-month prison sentences for all over 12s would scare all children away from crime, and decrease crime rates dramatically, if not totally. This solution would not cause a loss of jobs in the penal system either, as there would be a constant influx of new, juvenile inmates. This, coupled with a plan to reduce the benefits of inmates, as to decrease their enjoyment of prison life, would have a dramatic, and far reaching effect.”
The government is taking this suggestion seriously, and is also introducing a new benefit system for police officers, in bid to recruit a new, more efficient police force. These benefits include free funeral services for the officer’s family, and also the ability to wander the streets unclothed, free from prosecution.
Shocking discovery about City officials.
A confidential source high up in the Gerridville government has revealed exclusively to the Gerridville News that the City is being run by a family of shaved mice. The mice, previously thought to be intelligent human politicians, have been dealing with the City’s day to day running for well over twelve months now.
Suspicions were aroused lately, when the budget report showed the government had been spending excessively on mice shavers. Some now suggest this was because the mice needed shaving constantly, but reports aren’t confirmed as yet.
This shocking news has worried citizens greatly, as they learned their welfare was being controlled by a group of bald rodents, but others were less concerned.
Infamous animal rights activist, Crobb Jessop, currently in hiding after skipping trial for excessive public nudity, was heard to comment:
“Why shouldn’t mice be given the same opportunities as humans? If they want to be politicians, who are we to stop them? If they want to shave themselves constantly, who are we to say they can’t? As far as I can see, they have been doing a fantastic job, and I for one shall be campaigning for more hairless mice in public office.”
There is no law forbidding the placement of rodents in places of authority, and so nothing can be done about these shocking revelations until the mayoral elections in February, although the current opposition has a very low rating in the polls, and drastic changes would be needed to displace the shaved mice from office.
New craze hits the city.
A new fad is sweeping Gerridville inhabitants by storm lately. After a visit by the Screaming Drama Group last Thursday, conceptual dance has become the pastime of the masses. Apparently more popular than weasel hunting, Conceptual Dance is a group activity, whereby a collection of individuals expresses their feelings through bodily movements and shrieking sounds.
The new craze is the most popular in council estates, where single mothers and drunken husbands pass their hours waiting on their social welfare payments expressing their grief en masse. The noise of screaming women can be heard regularly, all over the city, every weekday morning.
A single mother, living in a flat in Greenage Estate, explains why she thinks conceptual dance has become so popular.
“Well, we was running out of weasels to skin, and then this guy comes along and shows us how we can show our emotions through dance, and it really helps, you know? Like, when you’re feeling down or whatever, you can just start waving your arms and legs about and embodying your feelings, and it’s like a release for all your thinks. I think everybody likes it because it’s like a community thing, ain’t it? I mean, we can all do it together, and then we understand each other more, and then we don’t fight as much. I’m really looking forward to the big parade on Friday, because then I can meet other single mums and we can bond through our art”
A mass march is planned for this Friday, when participants will dance conceptually through the streets, showing the world how peaceful they are.
The police are wary, however, and believe it could get violent:
“We know these arty types. They say they’re all peaceful, and then they start destroying bollards and looting corner shops, just for the hell of it. We’re taking every precaution to ensure this march doesn’t get out of hand.”
Says new Riot Police Chief Marlow Grady. His unit has requested firearms and extra anthrax grenades for the gathering.
Personals:
· Small, unhealthy cat for sale. Used, but in good quality. £3 ONO. Box 12
· Tractor wheels available for free. Have been made by cheetahs. Call 32-45556-2 if interested
· Leper children required for menial work. Will be paid with puppies covered in chocolate. 234-55-433
· Cheese grater for sale. Has been used, requires cleaning. Possible uses: bondage, cheese grating. Contact Ron the Beast on 12-3244-34
· Opening in gutting section of marmoset sandwich factory. Must be under 12. £1 an hour, free sandwiches. 78-43-5676