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To those of you that have had the displeasure to read one of those ‘books’ by Alex Comfort, I’m here to reassure you – this has absolutely nothing to do with those books. The heading is neither a misprint, nor is it a typo. I just want to take a small amount of your time to talk about the wonder that is music, and how it is dying. Yes, dying. A slow, painful death, at that.
I’m a big fan of jazz, mainly, but I tend not to restrict my taste to one area of music, because then I miss out on many songs that I end up liking. Those who stubbornly only listen to one genre of music tend to lose out on the many songs in the other styles of music. I like listening to jazz, classical, rock, punk, ska and even a little grunge. Even so, I do not immediately turn off all music that is not in these categories, except for one genre: manufactured pop.
Manufactured pop is one of things that really, really annoy me. And it manages to do this on so many levels. First of all, let’s not beat around the bush, manufactured pop has not produced one good song. Well, you might argue, there have been plenty of songs that I liked, and so herein lies the problem with music. There’s no Aquinas scale of perfection to measure songs against (see Appendix), and so there’s no flawless, valid opinion on the matter that everyone can agree with, without question. It takes either a really good song, such as Bohemian Rhapsody, or an offender to the ears, such as the Cheeky Song, to generally get widespread agreement.
Before you make some rash assumptions about my views on music, I’m not someone who’s trying to tell everyone exactly what to listen to. That’s not the point at all. The point is that while all these people say, “This and this is good,” but they fail to add in those crucial three words afterwards: IN MY OPINION. Meiner Meinung nach. A mon avis. Any language, just say it. You can’t actually say a piece of music is good without stating that that’s your opinion, and not the bottom line.
Manufactured pop is a crime against music, and it commits many offences at once. For example, the first thing is that the groups who perform this ‘music’ call themselves ‘bands’. ‘Boy bands’. How can this apply to people such as Westlife, or the Blazing Squad, who aren’t actually bands at all? The proper definition of a band, from The Concise Oxford Dictionary, is:
Bãnd, n. Body of musicians, esp. wind-instrument performers.
How often is it we see these people play instruments and sing? Rarely, to put it in the best possible light. There is even some doubt as to whether these people can sing at all, and this is due to the bizarre concept known as miming.
Miming is the current scourge of the industry. It is the ultimate in elitism, in my opinion, because when groups say that they are going to perform live, what they mean is that they are going to get on the stage, possibly jump around a bit (if you’re lucky), and open their mouths to the time of the words. You are paying to see them. Not to hear them, but to see them. Does this not smack of pure snobbery? They are making you pay money to have the right to be in the same building as you! I can’t believe it! This is an outrage, because if any other type of people did this, there would be a huge public backlash. But since they have pretty faces, we can’t find fault in them!
Football players do not do this; you pay money to watch them play their hearts out. This goes for all other sports performers, even Formula 1. Actors do not mime their lines, do they? How dare the record companies (after all, they are in control) ask the public to shell out their hard-earned cash to hear the same songs as on their CDs, only in the company of these supposed ‘stars’? That takes some gall, doesn’t it? I can’t think of any other industry as popular as the music one that asks the public to pay, not to see them perform, but just to see them! Outrageous!
The main aspect that I find so invigorating about music, the core factor that gives me that cold feeling whenever I listen to a piece of music, is that feeling of the pure effort that is being put into it. The feeling of camaderie as these guys pour their heart and soul into their music. This applies perfectly to the high-speed concertos, as you can see the effort of everyone’s face as they bang out perfect note upon perfect note, both for their pleasure and the audience’s. This isn’t purely exclusive to orchestras, though, it applies to every single honest musician on the planet. They put true effort into their music. And musician doesn’t just mean someone who can play an instrument; the real singers (i.e. not people who mime) out there are all musicians. However, a band cannot consist solely of singers, as there’s no beat, nothing holding the piece together. This makes me think: who are those people who make the music in those pop singles everyone knows and loves? I’ve pondered over that one for a long time, and these people shouldn’t go unrewarded, after all. So, I collaborated with some rich friends of mine, I came up with the:
MEN BEHIND THE MAGIC AWARDS
Conceived to reward the efforts of those who produce the music for such songs as Gareth Gates’ ‘Unchained Melody’ and Westlife’s ‘Flying Without Wings’.
We feel that these people, whoever they are, are constantly shunned by the Literati, and so they deserve to be recognised for what they contribute to the music industry.
Their labours have since been unrecognised, and we feel this is a crime to them. It is time to reward and recognise them for what they have done.
It was an injustice that will go on no longer; these people put effort into performing music that they’ll only possible get credit for on the back page of the CD booklet. These frauds (there’s no other word for them) of pop-stars are getting credit for songs that they don’t write, and they don’t perform the music to. Make them sing the songs without music, and then see how many singles and albums they sell.
The answer, sadly, will be the same amount as before, seeing as the key demographic for them is 13-16 year-old girls. This is such an easy group to target because many are impressionable, and will swoon over their new heartthrob faster than you can say “fickle”. It is this that has made the ‘Top 40’ a complete joke. Getting a Number 1 is all but impossible for genuinely talented people, who wish to make a living out of their talents, but for a bunch of pretty boys who haven’t got laryngitis, well, come on up! The stupid thing about this is the fact that the time will come when that demographic grows up, and grows out of this poor excuse for music. Hopefully, that will be the time when the teenagers of that era begin to listen to something else, preferably people with talent. I certainly would be in favour of a revival in jazz, but the mantle of ‘pop’ could be passed back to rock ‘n’ roll, or to ska, punk, even grunge! I would be largely opposed to something like garage, trance, hard house or rap becoming the flavour of the charts, but anything could be better than this rubbish flooding our brains and pounding our eardrums.
How can we change this tide, though? We’re only the public, the very people who buy the CDs produced by these record companies. We can take one of two angles: either we stop buying these records like flies attracted to dung; or we take the most aggressive stance possible, and that is to take control for ourselves. We must become better than those who parade themselves as our musical superiors! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, take up your guitars, your saxophones, and your harmonicas! Sit down at your pianos and cellos! Exercise those vocal chords! It’s time to expose these nancy-boys for the hoaxers they are! We can take ‘em!
But what about the pop-stars who get taken out in the battle? Where will they go when there’s no one left for them? The real world can be scary place for people who have lived in fantasy-land for their lives so far. Where can they go? They’ll have no jobs, because the world will have realised they have no real talent at all. A pop-star is for life, not just for Christmas no. 1, you know. I decided that no one deserves to be homeless, not even the puppets of those mass-swindlers, the record companies. So, those rich friends of mine were kind to delve deep into their pockets once again, and together we set up:
REPEAT TO FADE
THE NEW SANCTUARY FOR THE HEAR’SAYS AND 5IVES OF THIS HARSH POP WORLD. FULL BED AND BOARD PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE FOR 6 MONTHS, OR UNTIL NEXT JOB ARRIVES, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
WE FULLY UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR WASHED-UP POP ACTS TO GET ON IN LIFE, EVEN WHEN OTHERS HAVEN’T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE. OUR PURPOSE AND PRIMARY GOAL IS TO ASSIST THOSE IN NEED OF HELP, AS THEY HAVE NO JOB OR MEANING TO THEIR LIVES.
WE RECOGNISE THE FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO EARN LOTS OF MONEY FOR HAVING THE ABILITY TO BOTH OPERATE THEIR MOUTHS AND DANCE AROUND ON THE STAGE AT THE SAME TIME. WHY SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE MORE BENEFITS AND OPPORTUNITIES THAN PEOPLE WITH TALENT? TALENT ISN’T NECESSARY TO BE A SUCCESS IN THIS INDUSTRY, IS IT?
OF COURSE NOT. FOR THOSE WISHING TO RECEIVE HELP, PLESE CONTACT US AT THE NUMBER BELOW, AND ASK FOR CLIVE:
TEL: 01254 745089
I think we’re quite right to consider ourselves good Samaritans for this work. But in order for this to happen, we need as many people as possible to learn a musical instrument, and preferably early in their lives. We can’t make learning a musical instrument compulsory, because it would take the fun out of it for some people, knowing that you have to learn something. You shouldn’t have to do the grades system, either, if you feel you do not want to. I don’t really see the need for grades, unless you are intending to go to a music college. That’s not to say that grades are unimportant, just that some may not wish to learn by that method. But something must be done by those who can, and that means you, junior! Start twanging away on that guitar you never use, or hit a few keys on that piano in the corner. We need to stop this injustice to those who possess a drop of musical talent, unlike those that you’ll find in the chart today, before the Cheeky Girls start performing at the Royal Albert Hall.
I’m a big fan of jazz, mainly, but I tend not to restrict my taste to one area of music, because then I miss out on many songs that I end up liking. Those who stubbornly only listen to one genre of music tend to lose out on the many songs in the other styles of music. I like listening to jazz, classical, rock, punk, ska and even a little grunge. Even so, I do not immediately turn off all music that is not in these categories, except for one genre: manufactured pop.
Manufactured pop is one of things that really, really annoy me. And it manages to do this on so many levels. First of all, let’s not beat around the bush, manufactured pop has not produced one good song. Well, you might argue, there have been plenty of songs that I liked, and so herein lies the problem with music. There’s no Aquinas scale of perfection to measure songs against (see Appendix), and so there’s no flawless, valid opinion on the matter that everyone can agree with, without question. It takes either a really good song, such as Bohemian Rhapsody, or an offender to the ears, such as the Cheeky Song, to generally get widespread agreement.
Before you make some rash assumptions about my views on music, I’m not someone who’s trying to tell everyone exactly what to listen to. That’s not the point at all. The point is that while all these people say, “This and this is good,” but they fail to add in those crucial three words afterwards: IN MY OPINION. Meiner Meinung nach. A mon avis. Any language, just say it. You can’t actually say a piece of music is good without stating that that’s your opinion, and not the bottom line.
Manufactured pop is a crime against music, and it commits many offences at once. For example, the first thing is that the groups who perform this ‘music’ call themselves ‘bands’. ‘Boy bands’. How can this apply to people such as Westlife, or the Blazing Squad, who aren’t actually bands at all? The proper definition of a band, from The Concise Oxford Dictionary, is:
Bãnd, n. Body of musicians, esp. wind-instrument performers.
How often is it we see these people play instruments and sing? Rarely, to put it in the best possible light. There is even some doubt as to whether these people can sing at all, and this is due to the bizarre concept known as miming.
Miming is the current scourge of the industry. It is the ultimate in elitism, in my opinion, because when groups say that they are going to perform live, what they mean is that they are going to get on the stage, possibly jump around a bit (if you’re lucky), and open their mouths to the time of the words. You are paying to see them. Not to hear them, but to see them. Does this not smack of pure snobbery? They are making you pay money to have the right to be in the same building as you! I can’t believe it! This is an outrage, because if any other type of people did this, there would be a huge public backlash. But since they have pretty faces, we can’t find fault in them!
Football players do not do this; you pay money to watch them play their hearts out. This goes for all other sports performers, even Formula 1. Actors do not mime their lines, do they? How dare the record companies (after all, they are in control) ask the public to shell out their hard-earned cash to hear the same songs as on their CDs, only in the company of these supposed ‘stars’? That takes some gall, doesn’t it? I can’t think of any other industry as popular as the music one that asks the public to pay, not to see them perform, but just to see them! Outrageous!
The main aspect that I find so invigorating about music, the core factor that gives me that cold feeling whenever I listen to a piece of music, is that feeling of the pure effort that is being put into it. The feeling of camaderie as these guys pour their heart and soul into their music. This applies perfectly to the high-speed concertos, as you can see the effort of everyone’s face as they bang out perfect note upon perfect note, both for their pleasure and the audience’s. This isn’t purely exclusive to orchestras, though, it applies to every single honest musician on the planet. They put true effort into their music. And musician doesn’t just mean someone who can play an instrument; the real singers (i.e. not people who mime) out there are all musicians. However, a band cannot consist solely of singers, as there’s no beat, nothing holding the piece together. This makes me think: who are those people who make the music in those pop singles everyone knows and loves? I’ve pondered over that one for a long time, and these people shouldn’t go unrewarded, after all. So, I collaborated with some rich friends of mine, I came up with the:
MEN BEHIND THE MAGIC AWARDS
Conceived to reward the efforts of those who produce the music for such songs as Gareth Gates’ ‘Unchained Melody’ and Westlife’s ‘Flying Without Wings’.
We feel that these people, whoever they are, are constantly shunned by the Literati, and so they deserve to be recognised for what they contribute to the music industry.
Their labours have since been unrecognised, and we feel this is a crime to them. It is time to reward and recognise them for what they have done.
It was an injustice that will go on no longer; these people put effort into performing music that they’ll only possible get credit for on the back page of the CD booklet. These frauds (there’s no other word for them) of pop-stars are getting credit for songs that they don’t write, and they don’t perform the music to. Make them sing the songs without music, and then see how many singles and albums they sell.
The answer, sadly, will be the same amount as before, seeing as the key demographic for them is 13-16 year-old girls. This is such an easy group to target because many are impressionable, and will swoon over their new heartthrob faster than you can say “fickle”. It is this that has made the ‘Top 40’ a complete joke. Getting a Number 1 is all but impossible for genuinely talented people, who wish to make a living out of their talents, but for a bunch of pretty boys who haven’t got laryngitis, well, come on up! The stupid thing about this is the fact that the time will come when that demographic grows up, and grows out of this poor excuse for music. Hopefully, that will be the time when the teenagers of that era begin to listen to something else, preferably people with talent. I certainly would be in favour of a revival in jazz, but the mantle of ‘pop’ could be passed back to rock ‘n’ roll, or to ska, punk, even grunge! I would be largely opposed to something like garage, trance, hard house or rap becoming the flavour of the charts, but anything could be better than this rubbish flooding our brains and pounding our eardrums.
How can we change this tide, though? We’re only the public, the very people who buy the CDs produced by these record companies. We can take one of two angles: either we stop buying these records like flies attracted to dung; or we take the most aggressive stance possible, and that is to take control for ourselves. We must become better than those who parade themselves as our musical superiors! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, take up your guitars, your saxophones, and your harmonicas! Sit down at your pianos and cellos! Exercise those vocal chords! It’s time to expose these nancy-boys for the hoaxers they are! We can take ‘em!
But what about the pop-stars who get taken out in the battle? Where will they go when there’s no one left for them? The real world can be scary place for people who have lived in fantasy-land for their lives so far. Where can they go? They’ll have no jobs, because the world will have realised they have no real talent at all. A pop-star is for life, not just for Christmas no. 1, you know. I decided that no one deserves to be homeless, not even the puppets of those mass-swindlers, the record companies. So, those rich friends of mine were kind to delve deep into their pockets once again, and together we set up:
REPEAT TO FADE
THE NEW SANCTUARY FOR THE HEAR’SAYS AND 5IVES OF THIS HARSH POP WORLD. FULL BED AND BOARD PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE FOR 6 MONTHS, OR UNTIL NEXT JOB ARRIVES, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
WE FULLY UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR WASHED-UP POP ACTS TO GET ON IN LIFE, EVEN WHEN OTHERS HAVEN’T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE. OUR PURPOSE AND PRIMARY GOAL IS TO ASSIST THOSE IN NEED OF HELP, AS THEY HAVE NO JOB OR MEANING TO THEIR LIVES.
WE RECOGNISE THE FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO EARN LOTS OF MONEY FOR HAVING THE ABILITY TO BOTH OPERATE THEIR MOUTHS AND DANCE AROUND ON THE STAGE AT THE SAME TIME. WHY SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE MORE BENEFITS AND OPPORTUNITIES THAN PEOPLE WITH TALENT? TALENT ISN’T NECESSARY TO BE A SUCCESS IN THIS INDUSTRY, IS IT?
OF COURSE NOT. FOR THOSE WISHING TO RECEIVE HELP, PLESE CONTACT US AT THE NUMBER BELOW, AND ASK FOR CLIVE:
TEL: 01254 745089
I think we’re quite right to consider ourselves good Samaritans for this work. But in order for this to happen, we need as many people as possible to learn a musical instrument, and preferably early in their lives. We can’t make learning a musical instrument compulsory, because it would take the fun out of it for some people, knowing that you have to learn something. You shouldn’t have to do the grades system, either, if you feel you do not want to. I don’t really see the need for grades, unless you are intending to go to a music college. That’s not to say that grades are unimportant, just that some may not wish to learn by that method. But something must be done by those who can, and that means you, junior! Start twanging away on that guitar you never use, or hit a few keys on that piano in the corner. We need to stop this injustice to those who possess a drop of musical talent, unlike those that you’ll find in the chart today, before the Cheeky Girls start performing at the Royal Albert Hall.
Their main demographic isn't 13-16 year old girls, it's 8-16 year old girls. Some stupidly high amount of chart singles sold are sold to girls under the age of 13.
To those of you that have had the displeasure to read one of those ‘books’ by Alex Comfort, I’m here to reassure you – this has absolutely nothing to do with those books. The heading is neither a misprint, nor is it a typo. I just want to take a small amount of your time to talk about the wonder that is music, and how it is dying. Yes, dying. A slow, painful death, at that.
I’m a big fan of jazz, mainly, but I tend not to restrict my taste to one area of music, because then I miss out on many songs that I end up liking. Those who stubbornly only listen to one genre of music tend to lose out on the many songs in the other styles of music. I like listening to jazz, classical, rock, punk, ska and even a little grunge. Even so, I do not immediately turn off all music that is not in these categories, except for one genre: manufactured pop.
Manufactured pop is one of things that really, really annoy me. And it manages to do this on so many levels. First of all, let’s not beat around the bush, manufactured pop has not produced one good song. Well, you might argue, there have been plenty of songs that I liked, and so herein lies the problem with music. There’s no Aquinas scale of perfection to measure songs against (see Appendix), and so there’s no flawless, valid opinion on the matter that everyone can agree with, without question. It takes either a really good song, such as Bohemian Rhapsody, or an offender to the ears, such as the Cheeky Song, to generally get widespread agreement.
Before you make some rash assumptions about my views on music, I’m not someone who’s trying to tell everyone exactly what to listen to. That’s not the point at all. The point is that while all these people say, “This and this is good,” but they fail to add in those crucial three words afterwards: IN MY OPINION. Meiner Meinung nach. A mon avis. Any language, just say it. You can’t actually say a piece of music is good without stating that that’s your opinion, and not the bottom line.
Manufactured pop is a crime against music, and it commits many offences at once. For example, the first thing is that the groups who perform this ‘music’ call themselves ‘bands’. ‘Boy bands’. How can this apply to people such as Westlife, or the Blazing Squad, who aren’t actually bands at all? The proper definition of a band, from The Concise Oxford Dictionary, is:
Bãnd, n. Body of musicians, esp. wind-instrument performers.
How often is it we see these people play instruments and sing? Rarely, to put it in the best possible light. There is even some doubt as to whether these people can sing at all, and this is due to the bizarre concept known as miming.
Miming is the current scourge of the industry. It is the ultimate in elitism, in my opinion, because when groups say that they are going to perform live, what they mean is that they are going to get on the stage, possibly jump around a bit (if you’re lucky), and open their mouths to the time of the words. You are paying to see them. Not to hear them, but to see them. Does this not smack of pure snobbery? They are making you pay money to have the right to be in the same building as you! I can’t believe it! This is an outrage, because if any other type of people did this, there would be a huge public backlash. But since they have pretty faces, we can’t find fault in them!
Football players do not do this; you pay money to watch them play their hearts out. This goes for all other sports performers, even Formula 1. Actors do not mime their lines, do they? How dare the record companies (after all, they are in control) ask the public to shell out their hard-earned cash to hear the same songs as on their CDs, only in the company of these supposed ‘stars’? That takes some gall, doesn’t it? I can’t think of any other industry as popular as the music one that asks the public to pay, not to see them perform, but just to see them! Outrageous!
The main aspect that I find so invigorating about music, the core factor that gives me that cold feeling whenever I listen to a piece of music, is that feeling of the pure effort that is being put into it. The feeling of camaderie as these guys pour their heart and soul into their music. This applies perfectly to the high-speed concertos, as you can see the effort of everyone’s face as they bang out perfect note upon perfect note, both for their pleasure and the audience’s. This isn’t purely exclusive to orchestras, though, it applies to every single honest musician on the planet. They put true effort into their music. And musician doesn’t just mean someone who can play an instrument; the real singers (i.e. not people who mime) out there are all musicians. However, a band cannot consist solely of singers, as there’s no beat, nothing holding the piece together. This makes me think: who are those people who make the music in those pop singles everyone knows and loves? I’ve pondered over that one for a long time, and these people shouldn’t go unrewarded, after all. So, I collaborated with some rich friends of mine, I came up with the:
MEN BEHIND THE MAGIC AWARDS
Conceived to reward the efforts of those who produce the music for such songs as Gareth Gates’ ‘Unchained Melody’ and Westlife’s ‘Flying Without Wings’.
We feel that these people, whoever they are, are constantly shunned by the Literati, and so they deserve to be recognised for what they contribute to the music industry.
Their labours have since been unrecognised, and we feel this is a crime to them. It is time to reward and recognise them for what they have done.
It was an injustice that will go on no longer; these people put effort into performing music that they’ll only possible get credit for on the back page of the CD booklet. These frauds (there’s no other word for them) of pop-stars are getting credit for songs that they don’t write, and they don’t perform the music to. Make them sing the songs without music, and then see how many singles and albums they sell.
The answer, sadly, will be the same amount as before, seeing as the key demographic for them is 13-16 year-old girls. This is such an easy group to target because many are impressionable, and will swoon over their new heartthrob faster than you can say “fickle”. It is this that has made the ‘Top 40’ a complete joke. Getting a Number 1 is all but impossible for genuinely talented people, who wish to make a living out of their talents, but for a bunch of pretty boys who haven’t got laryngitis, well, come on up! The stupid thing about this is the fact that the time will come when that demographic grows up, and grows out of this poor excuse for music. Hopefully, that will be the time when the teenagers of that era begin to listen to something else, preferably people with talent. I certainly would be in favour of a revival in jazz, but the mantle of ‘pop’ could be passed back to rock ‘n’ roll, or to ska, punk, even grunge! I would be largely opposed to something like garage, trance, hard house or rap becoming the flavour of the charts, but anything could be better than this rubbish flooding our brains and pounding our eardrums.
How can we change this tide, though? We’re only the public, the very people who buy the CDs produced by these record companies. We can take one of two angles: either we stop buying these records like flies attracted to dung; or we take the most aggressive stance possible, and that is to take control for ourselves. We must become better than those who parade themselves as our musical superiors! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, take up your guitars, your saxophones, and your harmonicas! Sit down at your pianos and cellos! Exercise those vocal chords! It’s time to expose these nancy-boys for the hoaxers they are! We can take ‘em!
But what about the pop-stars who get taken out in the battle? Where will they go when there’s no one left for them? The real world can be scary place for people who have lived in fantasy-land for their lives so far. Where can they go? They’ll have no jobs, because the world will have realised they have no real talent at all. A pop-star is for life, not just for Christmas no. 1, you know. I decided that no one deserves to be homeless, not even the puppets of those mass-swindlers, the record companies. So, those rich friends of mine were kind to delve deep into their pockets once again, and together we set up:
REPEAT TO FADE
THE NEW SANCTUARY FOR THE HEAR’SAYS AND 5IVES OF THIS HARSH POP WORLD. FULL BED AND BOARD PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE FOR 6 MONTHS, OR UNTIL NEXT JOB ARRIVES, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
WE FULLY UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR WASHED-UP POP ACTS TO GET ON IN LIFE, EVEN WHEN OTHERS HAVEN’T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE. OUR PURPOSE AND PRIMARY GOAL IS TO ASSIST THOSE IN NEED OF HELP, AS THEY HAVE NO JOB OR MEANING TO THEIR LIVES.
WE RECOGNISE THE FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO EARN LOTS OF MONEY FOR HAVING THE ABILITY TO BOTH OPERATE THEIR MOUTHS AND DANCE AROUND ON THE STAGE AT THE SAME TIME. WHY SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE MORE BENEFITS AND OPPORTUNITIES THAN PEOPLE WITH TALENT? TALENT ISN’T NECESSARY TO BE A SUCCESS IN THIS INDUSTRY, IS IT?
OF COURSE NOT. FOR THOSE WISHING TO RECEIVE HELP, PLESE CONTACT US AT THE NUMBER BELOW, AND ASK FOR CLIVE:
TEL: 01254 745089
I think we’re quite right to consider ourselves good Samaritans for this work. But in order for this to happen, we need as many people as possible to learn a musical instrument, and preferably early in their lives. We can’t make learning a musical instrument compulsory, because it would take the fun out of it for some people, knowing that you have to learn something. You shouldn’t have to do the grades system, either, if you feel you do not want to. I don’t really see the need for grades, unless you are intending to go to a music college. That’s not to say that grades are unimportant, just that some may not wish to learn by that method. But something must be done by those who can, and that means you, junior! Start twanging away on that guitar you never use, or hit a few keys on that piano in the corner. We need to stop this injustice to those who possess a drop of musical talent, unlike those that you’ll find in the chart today, before the Cheeky Girls start performing at the Royal Albert Hall.
I’m a big fan of jazz, mainly, but I tend not to restrict my taste to one area of music, because then I miss out on many songs that I end up liking. Those who stubbornly only listen to one genre of music tend to lose out on the many songs in the other styles of music. I like listening to jazz, classical, rock, punk, ska and even a little grunge. Even so, I do not immediately turn off all music that is not in these categories, except for one genre: manufactured pop.
Manufactured pop is one of things that really, really annoy me. And it manages to do this on so many levels. First of all, let’s not beat around the bush, manufactured pop has not produced one good song. Well, you might argue, there have been plenty of songs that I liked, and so herein lies the problem with music. There’s no Aquinas scale of perfection to measure songs against (see Appendix), and so there’s no flawless, valid opinion on the matter that everyone can agree with, without question. It takes either a really good song, such as Bohemian Rhapsody, or an offender to the ears, such as the Cheeky Song, to generally get widespread agreement.
Before you make some rash assumptions about my views on music, I’m not someone who’s trying to tell everyone exactly what to listen to. That’s not the point at all. The point is that while all these people say, “This and this is good,” but they fail to add in those crucial three words afterwards: IN MY OPINION. Meiner Meinung nach. A mon avis. Any language, just say it. You can’t actually say a piece of music is good without stating that that’s your opinion, and not the bottom line.
Manufactured pop is a crime against music, and it commits many offences at once. For example, the first thing is that the groups who perform this ‘music’ call themselves ‘bands’. ‘Boy bands’. How can this apply to people such as Westlife, or the Blazing Squad, who aren’t actually bands at all? The proper definition of a band, from The Concise Oxford Dictionary, is:
Bãnd, n. Body of musicians, esp. wind-instrument performers.
How often is it we see these people play instruments and sing? Rarely, to put it in the best possible light. There is even some doubt as to whether these people can sing at all, and this is due to the bizarre concept known as miming.
Miming is the current scourge of the industry. It is the ultimate in elitism, in my opinion, because when groups say that they are going to perform live, what they mean is that they are going to get on the stage, possibly jump around a bit (if you’re lucky), and open their mouths to the time of the words. You are paying to see them. Not to hear them, but to see them. Does this not smack of pure snobbery? They are making you pay money to have the right to be in the same building as you! I can’t believe it! This is an outrage, because if any other type of people did this, there would be a huge public backlash. But since they have pretty faces, we can’t find fault in them!
Football players do not do this; you pay money to watch them play their hearts out. This goes for all other sports performers, even Formula 1. Actors do not mime their lines, do they? How dare the record companies (after all, they are in control) ask the public to shell out their hard-earned cash to hear the same songs as on their CDs, only in the company of these supposed ‘stars’? That takes some gall, doesn’t it? I can’t think of any other industry as popular as the music one that asks the public to pay, not to see them perform, but just to see them! Outrageous!
The main aspect that I find so invigorating about music, the core factor that gives me that cold feeling whenever I listen to a piece of music, is that feeling of the pure effort that is being put into it. The feeling of camaderie as these guys pour their heart and soul into their music. This applies perfectly to the high-speed concertos, as you can see the effort of everyone’s face as they bang out perfect note upon perfect note, both for their pleasure and the audience’s. This isn’t purely exclusive to orchestras, though, it applies to every single honest musician on the planet. They put true effort into their music. And musician doesn’t just mean someone who can play an instrument; the real singers (i.e. not people who mime) out there are all musicians. However, a band cannot consist solely of singers, as there’s no beat, nothing holding the piece together. This makes me think: who are those people who make the music in those pop singles everyone knows and loves? I’ve pondered over that one for a long time, and these people shouldn’t go unrewarded, after all. So, I collaborated with some rich friends of mine, I came up with the:
MEN BEHIND THE MAGIC AWARDS
Conceived to reward the efforts of those who produce the music for such songs as Gareth Gates’ ‘Unchained Melody’ and Westlife’s ‘Flying Without Wings’.
We feel that these people, whoever they are, are constantly shunned by the Literati, and so they deserve to be recognised for what they contribute to the music industry.
Their labours have since been unrecognised, and we feel this is a crime to them. It is time to reward and recognise them for what they have done.
It was an injustice that will go on no longer; these people put effort into performing music that they’ll only possible get credit for on the back page of the CD booklet. These frauds (there’s no other word for them) of pop-stars are getting credit for songs that they don’t write, and they don’t perform the music to. Make them sing the songs without music, and then see how many singles and albums they sell.
The answer, sadly, will be the same amount as before, seeing as the key demographic for them is 13-16 year-old girls. This is such an easy group to target because many are impressionable, and will swoon over their new heartthrob faster than you can say “fickle”. It is this that has made the ‘Top 40’ a complete joke. Getting a Number 1 is all but impossible for genuinely talented people, who wish to make a living out of their talents, but for a bunch of pretty boys who haven’t got laryngitis, well, come on up! The stupid thing about this is the fact that the time will come when that demographic grows up, and grows out of this poor excuse for music. Hopefully, that will be the time when the teenagers of that era begin to listen to something else, preferably people with talent. I certainly would be in favour of a revival in jazz, but the mantle of ‘pop’ could be passed back to rock ‘n’ roll, or to ska, punk, even grunge! I would be largely opposed to something like garage, trance, hard house or rap becoming the flavour of the charts, but anything could be better than this rubbish flooding our brains and pounding our eardrums.
How can we change this tide, though? We’re only the public, the very people who buy the CDs produced by these record companies. We can take one of two angles: either we stop buying these records like flies attracted to dung; or we take the most aggressive stance possible, and that is to take control for ourselves. We must become better than those who parade themselves as our musical superiors! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, take up your guitars, your saxophones, and your harmonicas! Sit down at your pianos and cellos! Exercise those vocal chords! It’s time to expose these nancy-boys for the hoaxers they are! We can take ‘em!
But what about the pop-stars who get taken out in the battle? Where will they go when there’s no one left for them? The real world can be scary place for people who have lived in fantasy-land for their lives so far. Where can they go? They’ll have no jobs, because the world will have realised they have no real talent at all. A pop-star is for life, not just for Christmas no. 1, you know. I decided that no one deserves to be homeless, not even the puppets of those mass-swindlers, the record companies. So, those rich friends of mine were kind to delve deep into their pockets once again, and together we set up:
REPEAT TO FADE
THE NEW SANCTUARY FOR THE HEAR’SAYS AND 5IVES OF THIS HARSH POP WORLD. FULL BED AND BOARD PROVIDED FREE OF CHARGE FOR 6 MONTHS, OR UNTIL NEXT JOB ARRIVES, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
WE FULLY UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR WASHED-UP POP ACTS TO GET ON IN LIFE, EVEN WHEN OTHERS HAVEN’T GIVEN THEM A CHANCE. OUR PURPOSE AND PRIMARY GOAL IS TO ASSIST THOSE IN NEED OF HELP, AS THEY HAVE NO JOB OR MEANING TO THEIR LIVES.
WE RECOGNISE THE FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO EARN LOTS OF MONEY FOR HAVING THE ABILITY TO BOTH OPERATE THEIR MOUTHS AND DANCE AROUND ON THE STAGE AT THE SAME TIME. WHY SHOULDN’T THEY HAVE MORE BENEFITS AND OPPORTUNITIES THAN PEOPLE WITH TALENT? TALENT ISN’T NECESSARY TO BE A SUCCESS IN THIS INDUSTRY, IS IT?
OF COURSE NOT. FOR THOSE WISHING TO RECEIVE HELP, PLESE CONTACT US AT THE NUMBER BELOW, AND ASK FOR CLIVE:
TEL: 01254 745089
I think we’re quite right to consider ourselves good Samaritans for this work. But in order for this to happen, we need as many people as possible to learn a musical instrument, and preferably early in their lives. We can’t make learning a musical instrument compulsory, because it would take the fun out of it for some people, knowing that you have to learn something. You shouldn’t have to do the grades system, either, if you feel you do not want to. I don’t really see the need for grades, unless you are intending to go to a music college. That’s not to say that grades are unimportant, just that some may not wish to learn by that method. But something must be done by those who can, and that means you, junior! Start twanging away on that guitar you never use, or hit a few keys on that piano in the corner. We need to stop this injustice to those who possess a drop of musical talent, unlike those that you’ll find in the chart today, before the Cheeky Girls start performing at the Royal Albert Hall.