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[The scene is the House of Commons. Prime Minister's question time is about to start. TV cameras turn on and MPs put away copies of the Beano, half-smoked cheroots, and Magic 8-Balls.]
Leader of the opposition: If George W Bush jumped off a bridge would you do it?
Tony Blair: The question is irrelevant. No-one has decided to jump off a bridge.
[jeers]
LotO: Are there any circumstances under which you would not jump off a bridge if George Bush had done so first?
TB: The question is purely hypothetical. George Bush has not jumped off a bridge. In any case I cannot allow myself to close down any avenues that may resolve this crisis.
LotO: The question isn't hypothetical at all. George Bush has repeatedly claimed that jumping off a bridge is the only way to solve this crisis. Will the Prime Minister give us a straight answer?
[cries of huzzah! etc]
TB: Neither I nor George Bush want to jump off a bridge. But I say this: the crisis on the bridge is a terrible one. Cars are rushing past us at high speeds. And not just cars, but vehicles of mass delivery too: lorries, fork-lift trucks, oil tankers. All steaming down on us with grim determination.
A Dirty Communist: Isn't it true that no-one has seen these vehicles of mass delivery?
[cries of boo! dirty commie! etc]
TB: Both I and George Bush are convinced that these VMDs exist. This government has released a dossier on this very subject.
[Prime Minister holds up a copy of 'The Ladybird Book of Cars'. Cries of you go girl! etc]
DC: Is it not true that this dossier is merely a children's book? And is it not further true that this children's book is very old, and contains pictures of nothing more recent than Model-T Fords and Hillman Imps?
TB: It's not, not, not, not true.
[cries of a-ha! etc.]
DC: And is it not also true that the bridge has a pedestrianized zone? Are our pedestrians not therefore protected from VMDs? And have these so-called Vehicles of Mass Delivery even threatened our pedestrians in the past?
[Thumps and kerfuffles are heard as the dirty communist is bundled from the chamber. Sound of cattle prod as party lickspittle is raised from her slumber]
Party Lickspittle: While the anti-jumper brigade concentrate on boring facts, does the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a super job, and that the situation on the bridge is about far more than VMDs?
[sound of sooking noise from the benches]
TB: Well, I thank my right honourable friend for her HELPFUL insight. VMDs are not the only issue. There are also the everyday users of the bridge to think about. At every moment there is the risk of stepping on chewing gum, or of falling into a pot-hole. Atop the bridge the most fundamental human rights are frustrated: one cannot hear oneself speak above the noise of the traffic; one is often unjustly imprisoned on one side of the road waiting for the lights to change; the list goes on.
[cheers as PM sits down and Leader of the Opposition stands up]
LotO: Does the Prime Minister have a coherent plan for this operation? How will it work?
TB: We certainly do have a plan. [holds up napkin with map drawn on it] The plan is to jump off the bridge; the VMDs will stop to see what is occurring and we will then steal their vehicles and decommision them. Or in the case of oil tankers, drive them to the nearest petrol station.
[whoops, catcalls, pies thrown]
A sandal-wearing liberal: Jumping off the bridge is all very well, but has the Prime Minister considered the consequences for those living underneath the bridge? It seems to me that the innocents in the river below will be the ones to suffer. Has he no heart?
[copies of the Daily Mail rain down on the sandal-wearing liberal]
TB: We will obviously seek to minimize casualties beneath the bridge. But I say to my honourable friend this: there is always a use for dead fish.
LotO: So it is decided? You will jump off the bridge.
TB: Yes. Except I'll find someone else to do it for me.
[parliament descends into anarchy; punches fly, and cries of 'guy fawkes was right all along' ring through the chamber]
Leader of the opposition: If George W Bush jumped off a bridge would you do it?
Tony Blair: The question is irrelevant. No-one has decided to jump off a bridge.
[jeers]
LotO: Are there any circumstances under which you would not jump off a bridge if George Bush had done so first?
TB: The question is purely hypothetical. George Bush has not jumped off a bridge. In any case I cannot allow myself to close down any avenues that may resolve this crisis.
LotO: The question isn't hypothetical at all. George Bush has repeatedly claimed that jumping off a bridge is the only way to solve this crisis. Will the Prime Minister give us a straight answer?
[cries of huzzah! etc]
TB: Neither I nor George Bush want to jump off a bridge. But I say this: the crisis on the bridge is a terrible one. Cars are rushing past us at high speeds. And not just cars, but vehicles of mass delivery too: lorries, fork-lift trucks, oil tankers. All steaming down on us with grim determination.
A Dirty Communist: Isn't it true that no-one has seen these vehicles of mass delivery?
[cries of boo! dirty commie! etc]
TB: Both I and George Bush are convinced that these VMDs exist. This government has released a dossier on this very subject.
[Prime Minister holds up a copy of 'The Ladybird Book of Cars'. Cries of you go girl! etc]
DC: Is it not true that this dossier is merely a children's book? And is it not further true that this children's book is very old, and contains pictures of nothing more recent than Model-T Fords and Hillman Imps?
TB: It's not, not, not, not true.
[cries of a-ha! etc.]
DC: And is it not also true that the bridge has a pedestrianized zone? Are our pedestrians not therefore protected from VMDs? And have these so-called Vehicles of Mass Delivery even threatened our pedestrians in the past?
[Thumps and kerfuffles are heard as the dirty communist is bundled from the chamber. Sound of cattle prod as party lickspittle is raised from her slumber]
Party Lickspittle: While the anti-jumper brigade concentrate on boring facts, does the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a super job, and that the situation on the bridge is about far more than VMDs?
[sound of sooking noise from the benches]
TB: Well, I thank my right honourable friend for her HELPFUL insight. VMDs are not the only issue. There are also the everyday users of the bridge to think about. At every moment there is the risk of stepping on chewing gum, or of falling into a pot-hole. Atop the bridge the most fundamental human rights are frustrated: one cannot hear oneself speak above the noise of the traffic; one is often unjustly imprisoned on one side of the road waiting for the lights to change; the list goes on.
[cheers as PM sits down and Leader of the Opposition stands up]
LotO: Does the Prime Minister have a coherent plan for this operation? How will it work?
TB: We certainly do have a plan. [holds up napkin with map drawn on it] The plan is to jump off the bridge; the VMDs will stop to see what is occurring and we will then steal their vehicles and decommision them. Or in the case of oil tankers, drive them to the nearest petrol station.
[whoops, catcalls, pies thrown]
A sandal-wearing liberal: Jumping off the bridge is all very well, but has the Prime Minister considered the consequences for those living underneath the bridge? It seems to me that the innocents in the river below will be the ones to suffer. Has he no heart?
[copies of the Daily Mail rain down on the sandal-wearing liberal]
TB: We will obviously seek to minimize casualties beneath the bridge. But I say to my honourable friend this: there is always a use for dead fish.
LotO: So it is decided? You will jump off the bridge.
TB: Yes. Except I'll find someone else to do it for me.
[parliament descends into anarchy; punches fly, and cries of 'guy fawkes was right all along' ring through the chamber]
Hehe, very good.
A nice surprise for Monday afternoon. Thanks!
A GAD winner with no replies. That was sheer lunacy, and funny, especially the pies being thrown and all that.
[The scene is the House of Commons. Prime Minister's question time is about to start. TV cameras turn on and MPs put away copies of the Beano, half-smoked cheroots, and Magic 8-Balls.]
Leader of the opposition: If George W Bush jumped off a bridge would you do it?
Tony Blair: The question is irrelevant. No-one has decided to jump off a bridge.
[jeers]
LotO: Are there any circumstances under which you would not jump off a bridge if George Bush had done so first?
TB: The question is purely hypothetical. George Bush has not jumped off a bridge. In any case I cannot allow myself to close down any avenues that may resolve this crisis.
LotO: The question isn't hypothetical at all. George Bush has repeatedly claimed that jumping off a bridge is the only way to solve this crisis. Will the Prime Minister give us a straight answer?
[cries of huzzah! etc]
TB: Neither I nor George Bush want to jump off a bridge. But I say this: the crisis on the bridge is a terrible one. Cars are rushing past us at high speeds. And not just cars, but vehicles of mass delivery too: lorries, fork-lift trucks, oil tankers. All steaming down on us with grim determination.
A Dirty Communist: Isn't it true that no-one has seen these vehicles of mass delivery?
[cries of boo! dirty commie! etc]
TB: Both I and George Bush are convinced that these VMDs exist. This government has released a dossier on this very subject.
[Prime Minister holds up a copy of 'The Ladybird Book of Cars'. Cries of you go girl! etc]
DC: Is it not true that this dossier is merely a children's book? And is it not further true that this children's book is very old, and contains pictures of nothing more recent than Model-T Fords and Hillman Imps?
TB: It's not, not, not, not true.
[cries of a-ha! etc.]
DC: And is it not also true that the bridge has a pedestrianized zone? Are our pedestrians not therefore protected from VMDs? And have these so-called Vehicles of Mass Delivery even threatened our pedestrians in the past?
[Thumps and kerfuffles are heard as the dirty communist is bundled from the chamber. Sound of cattle prod as party lickspittle is raised from her slumber]
Party Lickspittle: While the anti-jumper brigade concentrate on boring facts, does the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a super job, and that the situation on the bridge is about far more than VMDs?
[sound of sooking noise from the benches]
TB: Well, I thank my right honourable friend for her HELPFUL insight. VMDs are not the only issue. There are also the everyday users of the bridge to think about. At every moment there is the risk of stepping on chewing gum, or of falling into a pot-hole. Atop the bridge the most fundamental human rights are frustrated: one cannot hear oneself speak above the noise of the traffic; one is often unjustly imprisoned on one side of the road waiting for the lights to change; the list goes on.
[cheers as PM sits down and Leader of the Opposition stands up]
LotO: Does the Prime Minister have a coherent plan for this operation? How will it work?
TB: We certainly do have a plan. [holds up napkin with map drawn on it] The plan is to jump off the bridge; the VMDs will stop to see what is occurring and we will then steal their vehicles and decommision them. Or in the case of oil tankers, drive them to the nearest petrol station.
[whoops, catcalls, pies thrown]
A sandal-wearing liberal: Jumping off the bridge is all very well, but has the Prime Minister considered the consequences for those living underneath the bridge? It seems to me that the innocents in the river below will be the ones to suffer. Has he no heart?
[copies of the Daily Mail rain down on the sandal-wearing liberal]
TB: We will obviously seek to minimize casualties beneath the bridge. But I say to my honourable friend this: there is always a use for dead fish.
LotO: So it is decided? You will jump off the bridge.
TB: Yes. Except I'll find someone else to do it for me.
[parliament descends into anarchy; punches fly, and cries of 'guy fawkes was right all along' ring through the chamber]
Leader of the opposition: If George W Bush jumped off a bridge would you do it?
Tony Blair: The question is irrelevant. No-one has decided to jump off a bridge.
[jeers]
LotO: Are there any circumstances under which you would not jump off a bridge if George Bush had done so first?
TB: The question is purely hypothetical. George Bush has not jumped off a bridge. In any case I cannot allow myself to close down any avenues that may resolve this crisis.
LotO: The question isn't hypothetical at all. George Bush has repeatedly claimed that jumping off a bridge is the only way to solve this crisis. Will the Prime Minister give us a straight answer?
[cries of huzzah! etc]
TB: Neither I nor George Bush want to jump off a bridge. But I say this: the crisis on the bridge is a terrible one. Cars are rushing past us at high speeds. And not just cars, but vehicles of mass delivery too: lorries, fork-lift trucks, oil tankers. All steaming down on us with grim determination.
A Dirty Communist: Isn't it true that no-one has seen these vehicles of mass delivery?
[cries of boo! dirty commie! etc]
TB: Both I and George Bush are convinced that these VMDs exist. This government has released a dossier on this very subject.
[Prime Minister holds up a copy of 'The Ladybird Book of Cars'. Cries of you go girl! etc]
DC: Is it not true that this dossier is merely a children's book? And is it not further true that this children's book is very old, and contains pictures of nothing more recent than Model-T Fords and Hillman Imps?
TB: It's not, not, not, not true.
[cries of a-ha! etc.]
DC: And is it not also true that the bridge has a pedestrianized zone? Are our pedestrians not therefore protected from VMDs? And have these so-called Vehicles of Mass Delivery even threatened our pedestrians in the past?
[Thumps and kerfuffles are heard as the dirty communist is bundled from the chamber. Sound of cattle prod as party lickspittle is raised from her slumber]
Party Lickspittle: While the anti-jumper brigade concentrate on boring facts, does the Prime Minister agree with me that he is doing a super job, and that the situation on the bridge is about far more than VMDs?
[sound of sooking noise from the benches]
TB: Well, I thank my right honourable friend for her HELPFUL insight. VMDs are not the only issue. There are also the everyday users of the bridge to think about. At every moment there is the risk of stepping on chewing gum, or of falling into a pot-hole. Atop the bridge the most fundamental human rights are frustrated: one cannot hear oneself speak above the noise of the traffic; one is often unjustly imprisoned on one side of the road waiting for the lights to change; the list goes on.
[cheers as PM sits down and Leader of the Opposition stands up]
LotO: Does the Prime Minister have a coherent plan for this operation? How will it work?
TB: We certainly do have a plan. [holds up napkin with map drawn on it] The plan is to jump off the bridge; the VMDs will stop to see what is occurring and we will then steal their vehicles and decommision them. Or in the case of oil tankers, drive them to the nearest petrol station.
[whoops, catcalls, pies thrown]
A sandal-wearing liberal: Jumping off the bridge is all very well, but has the Prime Minister considered the consequences for those living underneath the bridge? It seems to me that the innocents in the river below will be the ones to suffer. Has he no heart?
[copies of the Daily Mail rain down on the sandal-wearing liberal]
TB: We will obviously seek to minimize casualties beneath the bridge. But I say to my honourable friend this: there is always a use for dead fish.
LotO: So it is decided? You will jump off the bridge.
TB: Yes. Except I'll find someone else to do it for me.
[parliament descends into anarchy; punches fly, and cries of 'guy fawkes was right all along' ring through the chamber]