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"Uses for the Daily Mail"

Keeping chips in.
Lining cat litter trays.
Keeping tramps warm at night.
Paper mache.
Fred Bassett.
Finding out which news stories to ignore.
Finding out which games TO buy.
Wrapping up conkers before you put them in vinegar and in a dark cupboard for a year to make them the hardest conkers ever then being disappointed when you find a conkery mush a year later.
Pretending Chris Morris is actually writing it and it's an extension of Brass Eye/The Day Today.

Anymore?

A pikey dictionary.

Kindling

I use it for the bottom of my parrott's cage. Nice piccy of Blair from the Mail for him to err, dump on.

roll it up and use it to beat up any robbers that come into your home and then you can just blame the Daily Mail for any damages that may have have resulted due to the total thickness of that paper.

It's always handy if you've run out of bog roll!

We ran our of rizla a while back, and conducted an experiment using the recycling bin at a mate's house.

The Daily Mail did quite well in tests, but the overall winner was the Thames Valley Auto Trader, with the Guardian as runner up.

A hilarious comic, like The Beano.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Well I'm just off for a dump so maybe I should take a copy with me - trouble is the ink might smudge and it doesn't always flush very well.

Rolling into a tight, wadded tube and using it on close-minded homophobe racist bigots like they did to Ash in Alien.