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In an unbelievable story broke by the Daily Mail today, it was announced that everybody was a paedophile.
The Mail on Monday, hot on the heels of such shocking revelations as "The Who frontman under investigation on child porn charges" and "Tottenham win", revealed that one of their many "reliable. No really, he's very reliable. He tells the truth. He knows places in high people. Honest. Very reliable" contacts had discovered conclusive proof that everybody was, in fact, a 'kiddie fiddler'.
The thirty-eleven page report contained compelling evidence, including a photograph of football star David Beckham kissing a little girl who had just underwent chemiotherapy. There were dozens of other photos, including Chris Evans getting a minor known only as "Billie" drunk and taking her back to his country mansion for 'lewd acts' and another of Beckham, this time holding a small child, Brooklyn, in an extremely compromising position.
Ken Stott, was said to be 'mystified' by the report, but before he could finish the interview Mr Stott was arrested in connection with impersonating a police officer in such feature films as Messiah, The Vice and Messiah 2, and viewing child pornography. Before being dragged away he swore vengeance, promising to kill those who have wrongfully accused him in an elaborate yet poetic manner.
The report also had a short interview with Mystic Meg, who apparently "knew all along". She also boldy predicted that in the future the Mail will "acquire a new suit". The cryptic clue is yet another in this horrific jigsaw of paedophilic naughtiness. There were a number of facts and figures included in the published report, which were as follows:
Packet of Kleenex - 39p
Tub of Vaseline - £1.09
Barnyard Loving on DVD - £16.99
A night in on your own - priceless
But that was just an advert. There were also some statistics to back up the statement that everybody is a paedophile, stemming from a poll carried out by The National Institute of Irrelevant Facts, Figures and Statistics That Will No Doubt One Day Be Crucial To Some Stupid Article Or Another (or NIIFFSTWNDODBCTSSAOA for short). Out of six people surveyed, six admitted to feeling sexually aroused whilst looking at somebody else. Of these six people, all of them admitted to have been a child. Ergo, 100% of people are aroused by children.
The claims were poo-pooed by Michael Jackson, who declared the article to be 'complete and utter tripe, contrived, convoluted rubbish for gossip-mongering babboons' before moonwalking back to his gingerbread house on Lollipop Lane where he was giving out sweeties and rides home in his limo to all the local children.
Tony Blair was said to be in crisis talks yesterday, on the brink of a nervous breakdown having figured out that despite being the arguably the most powerful man in Europe, his wife (a girl) still earns more than him. The subject of everybody being a paedophile was also brought up in the late Commons meeting. Beckham, Evans, Stott and Jackson were all conspicuous in their absences.
One of the first ideas to be put forward was to remove all teachers from their positions, as they are all paedophiles and therefore should not work with children. This progressed until it was announced that all creches, day care centres and playgroups should be staffed entirely by robots; robots, not being 'people' are immune to the scars of the Daily Mail's new war against terror, and so shall pose no harm to children unless someone switches their lever from 'good' to 'bad'.
This news has not yet been broken on any news channel, or radio programme, or website because all outlets of information have been temporarily closed as staff are investigated under child porn charges. More news from the Mail as and when it is reported.
Thanks for reading. Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
-El
The Mail on Monday, hot on the heels of such shocking revelations as "The Who frontman under investigation on child porn charges" and "Tottenham win", revealed that one of their many "reliable. No really, he's very reliable. He tells the truth. He knows places in high people. Honest. Very reliable" contacts had discovered conclusive proof that everybody was, in fact, a 'kiddie fiddler'.
The thirty-eleven page report contained compelling evidence, including a photograph of football star David Beckham kissing a little girl who had just underwent chemiotherapy. There were dozens of other photos, including Chris Evans getting a minor known only as "Billie" drunk and taking her back to his country mansion for 'lewd acts' and another of Beckham, this time holding a small child, Brooklyn, in an extremely compromising position.
Ken Stott, was said to be 'mystified' by the report, but before he could finish the interview Mr Stott was arrested in connection with impersonating a police officer in such feature films as Messiah, The Vice and Messiah 2, and viewing child pornography. Before being dragged away he swore vengeance, promising to kill those who have wrongfully accused him in an elaborate yet poetic manner.
The report also had a short interview with Mystic Meg, who apparently "knew all along". She also boldy predicted that in the future the Mail will "acquire a new suit". The cryptic clue is yet another in this horrific jigsaw of paedophilic naughtiness. There were a number of facts and figures included in the published report, which were as follows:
Packet of Kleenex - 39p
Tub of Vaseline - £1.09
Barnyard Loving on DVD - £16.99
A night in on your own - priceless
But that was just an advert. There were also some statistics to back up the statement that everybody is a paedophile, stemming from a poll carried out by The National Institute of Irrelevant Facts, Figures and Statistics That Will No Doubt One Day Be Crucial To Some Stupid Article Or Another (or NIIFFSTWNDODBCTSSAOA for short). Out of six people surveyed, six admitted to feeling sexually aroused whilst looking at somebody else. Of these six people, all of them admitted to have been a child. Ergo, 100% of people are aroused by children.
The claims were poo-pooed by Michael Jackson, who declared the article to be 'complete and utter tripe, contrived, convoluted rubbish for gossip-mongering babboons' before moonwalking back to his gingerbread house on Lollipop Lane where he was giving out sweeties and rides home in his limo to all the local children.
Tony Blair was said to be in crisis talks yesterday, on the brink of a nervous breakdown having figured out that despite being the arguably the most powerful man in Europe, his wife (a girl) still earns more than him. The subject of everybody being a paedophile was also brought up in the late Commons meeting. Beckham, Evans, Stott and Jackson were all conspicuous in their absences.
One of the first ideas to be put forward was to remove all teachers from their positions, as they are all paedophiles and therefore should not work with children. This progressed until it was announced that all creches, day care centres and playgroups should be staffed entirely by robots; robots, not being 'people' are immune to the scars of the Daily Mail's new war against terror, and so shall pose no harm to children unless someone switches their lever from 'good' to 'bad'.
This news has not yet been broken on any news channel, or radio programme, or website because all outlets of information have been temporarily closed as staff are investigated under child porn charges. More news from the Mail as and when it is reported.
Thanks for reading. Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
-El
You mean he isn't?
Topical AND hilarious.
The headlines said "Kelly in child pornography quiz", and when my mate saw the paper he thought he was presenting a new TV show.
The headlines said "Kelly in child pornography quiz", and when my mate saw the paper he thought he was presenting a new TV show.
I thought it was
Daily Mail - "Everybody's a telephone"
Daily Mail - "Everybody's a telephone"
Pop
seems relevant with the Matthew Kelly thing
seems relevant with the Matthew Kelly thing
Show a pic of her as she is now and I'll decide.
Although Jamie Lynn Spears is certainly an exciting propsect for the future.
Although Jamie Lynn Spears is certainly an exciting propsect for the future.
show me her picture now.......
*shows the forum a pic*
Would you have sex with this 7yr old now that she's 21?
Would you have sex with this 7yr old now that she's 21?
Very good.
El Blokey wrote:
> Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
Needless to say I'm deeply shocked.
> Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
Needless to say I'm deeply shocked.
In an unbelievable story broke by the Daily Mail today, it was announced that everybody was a paedophile.
The Mail on Monday, hot on the heels of such shocking revelations as "The Who frontman under investigation on child porn charges" and "Tottenham win", revealed that one of their many "reliable. No really, he's very reliable. He tells the truth. He knows places in high people. Honest. Very reliable" contacts had discovered conclusive proof that everybody was, in fact, a 'kiddie fiddler'.
The thirty-eleven page report contained compelling evidence, including a photograph of football star David Beckham kissing a little girl who had just underwent chemiotherapy. There were dozens of other photos, including Chris Evans getting a minor known only as "Billie" drunk and taking her back to his country mansion for 'lewd acts' and another of Beckham, this time holding a small child, Brooklyn, in an extremely compromising position.
Ken Stott, was said to be 'mystified' by the report, but before he could finish the interview Mr Stott was arrested in connection with impersonating a police officer in such feature films as Messiah, The Vice and Messiah 2, and viewing child pornography. Before being dragged away he swore vengeance, promising to kill those who have wrongfully accused him in an elaborate yet poetic manner.
The report also had a short interview with Mystic Meg, who apparently "knew all along". She also boldy predicted that in the future the Mail will "acquire a new suit". The cryptic clue is yet another in this horrific jigsaw of paedophilic naughtiness. There were a number of facts and figures included in the published report, which were as follows:
Packet of Kleenex - 39p
Tub of Vaseline - £1.09
Barnyard Loving on DVD - £16.99
A night in on your own - priceless
But that was just an advert. There were also some statistics to back up the statement that everybody is a paedophile, stemming from a poll carried out by The National Institute of Irrelevant Facts, Figures and Statistics That Will No Doubt One Day Be Crucial To Some Stupid Article Or Another (or NIIFFSTWNDODBCTSSAOA for short). Out of six people surveyed, six admitted to feeling sexually aroused whilst looking at somebody else. Of these six people, all of them admitted to have been a child. Ergo, 100% of people are aroused by children.
The claims were poo-pooed by Michael Jackson, who declared the article to be 'complete and utter tripe, contrived, convoluted rubbish for gossip-mongering babboons' before moonwalking back to his gingerbread house on Lollipop Lane where he was giving out sweeties and rides home in his limo to all the local children.
Tony Blair was said to be in crisis talks yesterday, on the brink of a nervous breakdown having figured out that despite being the arguably the most powerful man in Europe, his wife (a girl) still earns more than him. The subject of everybody being a paedophile was also brought up in the late Commons meeting. Beckham, Evans, Stott and Jackson were all conspicuous in their absences.
One of the first ideas to be put forward was to remove all teachers from their positions, as they are all paedophiles and therefore should not work with children. This progressed until it was announced that all creches, day care centres and playgroups should be staffed entirely by robots; robots, not being 'people' are immune to the scars of the Daily Mail's new war against terror, and so shall pose no harm to children unless someone switches their lever from 'good' to 'bad'.
This news has not yet been broken on any news channel, or radio programme, or website because all outlets of information have been temporarily closed as staff are investigated under child porn charges. More news from the Mail as and when it is reported.
Thanks for reading. Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
-El
The Mail on Monday, hot on the heels of such shocking revelations as "The Who frontman under investigation on child porn charges" and "Tottenham win", revealed that one of their many "reliable. No really, he's very reliable. He tells the truth. He knows places in high people. Honest. Very reliable" contacts had discovered conclusive proof that everybody was, in fact, a 'kiddie fiddler'.
The thirty-eleven page report contained compelling evidence, including a photograph of football star David Beckham kissing a little girl who had just underwent chemiotherapy. There were dozens of other photos, including Chris Evans getting a minor known only as "Billie" drunk and taking her back to his country mansion for 'lewd acts' and another of Beckham, this time holding a small child, Brooklyn, in an extremely compromising position.
Ken Stott, was said to be 'mystified' by the report, but before he could finish the interview Mr Stott was arrested in connection with impersonating a police officer in such feature films as Messiah, The Vice and Messiah 2, and viewing child pornography. Before being dragged away he swore vengeance, promising to kill those who have wrongfully accused him in an elaborate yet poetic manner.
The report also had a short interview with Mystic Meg, who apparently "knew all along". She also boldy predicted that in the future the Mail will "acquire a new suit". The cryptic clue is yet another in this horrific jigsaw of paedophilic naughtiness. There were a number of facts and figures included in the published report, which were as follows:
Packet of Kleenex - 39p
Tub of Vaseline - £1.09
Barnyard Loving on DVD - £16.99
A night in on your own - priceless
But that was just an advert. There were also some statistics to back up the statement that everybody is a paedophile, stemming from a poll carried out by The National Institute of Irrelevant Facts, Figures and Statistics That Will No Doubt One Day Be Crucial To Some Stupid Article Or Another (or NIIFFSTWNDODBCTSSAOA for short). Out of six people surveyed, six admitted to feeling sexually aroused whilst looking at somebody else. Of these six people, all of them admitted to have been a child. Ergo, 100% of people are aroused by children.
The claims were poo-pooed by Michael Jackson, who declared the article to be 'complete and utter tripe, contrived, convoluted rubbish for gossip-mongering babboons' before moonwalking back to his gingerbread house on Lollipop Lane where he was giving out sweeties and rides home in his limo to all the local children.
Tony Blair was said to be in crisis talks yesterday, on the brink of a nervous breakdown having figured out that despite being the arguably the most powerful man in Europe, his wife (a girl) still earns more than him. The subject of everybody being a paedophile was also brought up in the late Commons meeting. Beckham, Evans, Stott and Jackson were all conspicuous in their absences.
One of the first ideas to be put forward was to remove all teachers from their positions, as they are all paedophiles and therefore should not work with children. This progressed until it was announced that all creches, day care centres and playgroups should be staffed entirely by robots; robots, not being 'people' are immune to the scars of the Daily Mail's new war against terror, and so shall pose no harm to children unless someone switches their lever from 'good' to 'bad'.
This news has not yet been broken on any news channel, or radio programme, or website because all outlets of information have been temporarily closed as staff are investigated under child porn charges. More news from the Mail as and when it is reported.
Thanks for reading. Your thoughts on this shocking story are appreciated.
-El