The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
With the success of the celebrity boxing TV programmes both here and in the US (where I think rapper Vanilla Ice fought against Willis from Diff’rent Strokes), the BBC has commissioned a whole series of bouts using a wide variety of celebrities.
Grudges will be settled and plenty of blood spilt, as the celebrities enjoy the oh-so civilised sport of bashing each other’s brains in for the benefit of charity and entertainment for TV viewers.
On the card for the first series we have:
Barry Chuckle vs. Paul Chuckle
Barry (the small one), the emaciated Ian Rush look-alike and Paul (the big one), the 70’s porn star look-alike have always had many arguments and disagreements with each other in the past, so now they finally get to settle their differences in the squared circle. There was an episode of ChuckleVision where the hapless brothers were wrestlers (the episode was called ‘In the Ring’ *ahem*), so the boys are fairly handy at tough contact sports.
The colourfully dressed accident-prone moustachioed goons have gone through rigorous training regimes, mostly involving carrying large pieces of wood/ladders around and accidentally hitting people with it when they turn round, so they’re fighting fit and ready to box.
In the battle of the brothers, one shall stand and one shall fall. I don’t know about you, but my money is one the smaller one, as I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he’s got a lot of pent-up rage inside his skinny body from being bullied around all the time, so he might finally snap.
Here is a picture of the brothers Chuckle at a press conference promoting their forthcoming bout: http://www.farcical-films.co.uk/chucks/images/early.jpg
Mullets ahoy!
Peter Andre vs. Wolf from Gladiators
Wolf, the ticking time-bomb of fury, muscular brute, purveyor of ‘pugil-stick’ pain, ageing man-beast with recedingly good hair, a fine taste in leotards and a growl that can kill a man from twenty paces. Wolf was the hero of the people, who always showed flagrant disregard for rules and authority figures, a man who didn’t take any crap.
Wolf was truly the gladiator of all gladiators. Peter Andre on the other hand, was a pop star who always sang about girls. So what better than to bring the two faded stars into a boxing ring and let Wolf beat Peter to a blood-spattered pulp?
Peter jumps into the ring, tries to do a couple of one handed press ups, takes off his gown, and to the disappointment of the females (and camp males) in the audience, his career-making six-pack has been replaced with a fat gut. All the time in the wilderness of unemployment and away from the media spotlight has turned him from a greasy, image conscious hunk to a faded flabby nobody. How the mighty fall.
Wolf on the other hand, has continued his arduous training schedule from his Gladiator days and is in prime condition to give Andre a good beating.
Roger Moore vs. Sean Connery
This bout has been dubbed “ The Battle of the Bonds”, and like Quality Street, everyone has his or her favourite James Bond (mine being Strawberry cream and Roger Moore).
There’s Roger, the debonair master of the deft quip, whose eyebrow can say a thousand words, and there’s Sean, a tough guy Scot with a hairy chest and a penchant for Pu$$y Galore.
But who would win if they had a brawl? Both have differing fighting styles, but seeing as both are now really old, it’s not thought that they’ll put up much of an exciting contest, so it might end up being an anticlimax as the aging duo skulk around the ring looking decrepit.
Graham Norton vs. Mike Tyson
Many people (especially me) have always wanted someone to give Norton a damn good thrashing, and “Iron Mike”, the overly pugnacious, foaming-at-the-mouth, woman beating, ear biting psychopath, is the one to give it to the irritating, squeaky-voiced overly camp TV presenter. The inevitable bloodbath will definitely wipe the smirk off what’s left of Graham’s potentially mangled face.
Tyson has been allowed special permission to come out of his cage, visit the UK, beat Graham Norton to a pulp in the name of charity, and then fly back to the US. Everyone’s happy.
Macaulay Culkin vs. Gary Coleman
The battle of the child stars, and strangely, both now are regarded as men, yet both are still small. Gary, with his expertise as a former shin-kicking security guard and who received sage-like advise from celebrity boxing winner Willis from Diff’rent Strokes, will probably be the favourite, but don’t discount Macaulay, he’s a good friend of Michael Jackson, so is used to a bit of rough & tumble in the ring (sorry, very poor taste again but I couldn’t help it ;D)
Richard Keys vs. Pete Sampras
Aside from Ryan Giggs, who requires frequent all-over body shaves to keep him looking like a human and not a monkey, Keys and Sampras are indeed two of the hairiest human beings on the planet, so it would be cool if they had a bare-chested brawl. It’d be like watching the monkeys fighting at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, only with more hair on show and the use of boxing gloves instead of bones.
Both are fairly boring straight-man types, so it’ll be interesting to see if any primal actions take over the hairy monkey men when forced to fight in front of a crowd of sweaty punters. Seeing as both men are very monkey-like, so probably have long arms, plenty of long reach jabbing should be the order of the day.
The loser of the hard fought duel must undergo an all-over body shave, with the winner being officially declared the hairiest man on the planet.
Michael Barrymore vs. John Leslie
The two shammed TV presenters, fugitives on the wrong side of the law and forced underground by media frenzies, have been coerced into fighting each other for the benefit of the vengeance seeking crowds. They were rumoured to have been told that if they took part in the charity contest, both would get new contracts and be accepted back into the TV family. In actual fact however, unbeknownst to them, the winner will fight Lennox Lewis in the next series, and the loser will fight Mike Tyson, so justice will be metered out to the *alleged* criminals eventually.
Both men are very tall, so it’ll be an interesting contest, but it is believed that Leslie likes aiming below the belt roughhouse tactics whilst deranged rubber-legged loon Barrymore likes to take his opponents from behind…
David Dickinson vs. Robert Kilroy-Silk
There are many rivalries in the entertainment world today, none more heated than the battle to be the most bronze man on TV. Two of the main contenders for this sought after accolade are leathery-faced David “The Bronze Lovejoy” Dickinson and “Silky” Robert Kilroy-Silk (or just Kilroy to his friends). The fake tanned orange duo must fight it out for the ultimate prize in showbiz.
The winner of this bout will go on to face the winner of the Des O’Connor and Bob Monkhouse fight, which takes place in the second series. The winner of the final shall then be awarded with the bronze statue of excellence.
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders
Boxing has many different weight categories, from feather and bantam weights to much heavier ones, but for this bout a new category has been invented: The Super Duper Heavyweight Division,
The boxing ring has been specially strengthened for this titanic battle, and both men have gone into the gym…to watch other people work out whilst they stuff themselves on cakes and sweet treats.
Heavyweight crooner Rik, who makes Gilbert Grape’s mother look anorexic, will probably be the favourite due to his sheer size, but we mustn’t discount Barry the seven-chinned wonder, as he’s been in a few pub brawls in his time (though he lost them all).
Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T
Like Graham Norton, the entire nation want to see Peter Stringfellow the aging playboy/dirty old man get beaten up, and the only legal way of doing it is in the boxing ring with one tough sucka, and that sucka happens to be Mr. T!
It is hoped that tough guy Mr. T, using all his boxing expertise gained from Rocky III, will use Stringfellow as a leopard skinned punchbag, pummelling the mulleted old geezer till his false teeth fall out and his smarmy grin is replaced with a look of sheer terror. The cowardly Stringfellow won’t put up much resistance because he’s not much of a fighter, as he’s got a yellow streak so big you could rent space on it.
The first series of Celebrity Boxing will be shown on BBC1 sometime in 2003, and from the look of some of those bouts, I can’t wait!
Grudges will be settled and plenty of blood spilt, as the celebrities enjoy the oh-so civilised sport of bashing each other’s brains in for the benefit of charity and entertainment for TV viewers.
On the card for the first series we have:
Barry Chuckle vs. Paul Chuckle
Barry (the small one), the emaciated Ian Rush look-alike and Paul (the big one), the 70’s porn star look-alike have always had many arguments and disagreements with each other in the past, so now they finally get to settle their differences in the squared circle. There was an episode of ChuckleVision where the hapless brothers were wrestlers (the episode was called ‘In the Ring’ *ahem*), so the boys are fairly handy at tough contact sports.
The colourfully dressed accident-prone moustachioed goons have gone through rigorous training regimes, mostly involving carrying large pieces of wood/ladders around and accidentally hitting people with it when they turn round, so they’re fighting fit and ready to box.
In the battle of the brothers, one shall stand and one shall fall. I don’t know about you, but my money is one the smaller one, as I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he’s got a lot of pent-up rage inside his skinny body from being bullied around all the time, so he might finally snap.
Here is a picture of the brothers Chuckle at a press conference promoting their forthcoming bout: http://www.farcical-films.co.uk/chucks/images/early.jpg
Mullets ahoy!
Peter Andre vs. Wolf from Gladiators
Wolf, the ticking time-bomb of fury, muscular brute, purveyor of ‘pugil-stick’ pain, ageing man-beast with recedingly good hair, a fine taste in leotards and a growl that can kill a man from twenty paces. Wolf was the hero of the people, who always showed flagrant disregard for rules and authority figures, a man who didn’t take any crap.
Wolf was truly the gladiator of all gladiators. Peter Andre on the other hand, was a pop star who always sang about girls. So what better than to bring the two faded stars into a boxing ring and let Wolf beat Peter to a blood-spattered pulp?
Peter jumps into the ring, tries to do a couple of one handed press ups, takes off his gown, and to the disappointment of the females (and camp males) in the audience, his career-making six-pack has been replaced with a fat gut. All the time in the wilderness of unemployment and away from the media spotlight has turned him from a greasy, image conscious hunk to a faded flabby nobody. How the mighty fall.
Wolf on the other hand, has continued his arduous training schedule from his Gladiator days and is in prime condition to give Andre a good beating.
Roger Moore vs. Sean Connery
This bout has been dubbed “ The Battle of the Bonds”, and like Quality Street, everyone has his or her favourite James Bond (mine being Strawberry cream and Roger Moore).
There’s Roger, the debonair master of the deft quip, whose eyebrow can say a thousand words, and there’s Sean, a tough guy Scot with a hairy chest and a penchant for Pu$$y Galore.
But who would win if they had a brawl? Both have differing fighting styles, but seeing as both are now really old, it’s not thought that they’ll put up much of an exciting contest, so it might end up being an anticlimax as the aging duo skulk around the ring looking decrepit.
Graham Norton vs. Mike Tyson
Many people (especially me) have always wanted someone to give Norton a damn good thrashing, and “Iron Mike”, the overly pugnacious, foaming-at-the-mouth, woman beating, ear biting psychopath, is the one to give it to the irritating, squeaky-voiced overly camp TV presenter. The inevitable bloodbath will definitely wipe the smirk off what’s left of Graham’s potentially mangled face.
Tyson has been allowed special permission to come out of his cage, visit the UK, beat Graham Norton to a pulp in the name of charity, and then fly back to the US. Everyone’s happy.
Macaulay Culkin vs. Gary Coleman
The battle of the child stars, and strangely, both now are regarded as men, yet both are still small. Gary, with his expertise as a former shin-kicking security guard and who received sage-like advise from celebrity boxing winner Willis from Diff’rent Strokes, will probably be the favourite, but don’t discount Macaulay, he’s a good friend of Michael Jackson, so is used to a bit of rough & tumble in the ring (sorry, very poor taste again but I couldn’t help it ;D)
Richard Keys vs. Pete Sampras
Aside from Ryan Giggs, who requires frequent all-over body shaves to keep him looking like a human and not a monkey, Keys and Sampras are indeed two of the hairiest human beings on the planet, so it would be cool if they had a bare-chested brawl. It’d be like watching the monkeys fighting at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, only with more hair on show and the use of boxing gloves instead of bones.
Both are fairly boring straight-man types, so it’ll be interesting to see if any primal actions take over the hairy monkey men when forced to fight in front of a crowd of sweaty punters. Seeing as both men are very monkey-like, so probably have long arms, plenty of long reach jabbing should be the order of the day.
The loser of the hard fought duel must undergo an all-over body shave, with the winner being officially declared the hairiest man on the planet.
Michael Barrymore vs. John Leslie
The two shammed TV presenters, fugitives on the wrong side of the law and forced underground by media frenzies, have been coerced into fighting each other for the benefit of the vengeance seeking crowds. They were rumoured to have been told that if they took part in the charity contest, both would get new contracts and be accepted back into the TV family. In actual fact however, unbeknownst to them, the winner will fight Lennox Lewis in the next series, and the loser will fight Mike Tyson, so justice will be metered out to the *alleged* criminals eventually.
Both men are very tall, so it’ll be an interesting contest, but it is believed that Leslie likes aiming below the belt roughhouse tactics whilst deranged rubber-legged loon Barrymore likes to take his opponents from behind…
David Dickinson vs. Robert Kilroy-Silk
There are many rivalries in the entertainment world today, none more heated than the battle to be the most bronze man on TV. Two of the main contenders for this sought after accolade are leathery-faced David “The Bronze Lovejoy” Dickinson and “Silky” Robert Kilroy-Silk (or just Kilroy to his friends). The fake tanned orange duo must fight it out for the ultimate prize in showbiz.
The winner of this bout will go on to face the winner of the Des O’Connor and Bob Monkhouse fight, which takes place in the second series. The winner of the final shall then be awarded with the bronze statue of excellence.
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders
Boxing has many different weight categories, from feather and bantam weights to much heavier ones, but for this bout a new category has been invented: The Super Duper Heavyweight Division,
The boxing ring has been specially strengthened for this titanic battle, and both men have gone into the gym…to watch other people work out whilst they stuff themselves on cakes and sweet treats.
Heavyweight crooner Rik, who makes Gilbert Grape’s mother look anorexic, will probably be the favourite due to his sheer size, but we mustn’t discount Barry the seven-chinned wonder, as he’s been in a few pub brawls in his time (though he lost them all).
Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T
Like Graham Norton, the entire nation want to see Peter Stringfellow the aging playboy/dirty old man get beaten up, and the only legal way of doing it is in the boxing ring with one tough sucka, and that sucka happens to be Mr. T!
It is hoped that tough guy Mr. T, using all his boxing expertise gained from Rocky III, will use Stringfellow as a leopard skinned punchbag, pummelling the mulleted old geezer till his false teeth fall out and his smarmy grin is replaced with a look of sheer terror. The cowardly Stringfellow won’t put up much resistance because he’s not much of a fighter, as he’s got a yellow streak so big you could rent space on it.
The first series of Celebrity Boxing will be shown on BBC1 sometime in 2003, and from the look of some of those bouts, I can’t wait!
With the success of the celebrity boxing TV programmes both here and in the US (where I think rapper Vanilla Ice fought against Willis from Diff’rent Strokes), the BBC has commissioned a whole series of bouts using a wide variety of celebrities.
Grudges will be settled and plenty of blood spilt, as the celebrities enjoy the oh-so civilised sport of bashing each other’s brains in for the benefit of charity and entertainment for TV viewers.
On the card for the first series we have:
Barry Chuckle vs. Paul Chuckle
Barry (the small one), the emaciated Ian Rush look-alike and Paul (the big one), the 70’s porn star look-alike have always had many arguments and disagreements with each other in the past, so now they finally get to settle their differences in the squared circle. There was an episode of ChuckleVision where the hapless brothers were wrestlers (the episode was called ‘In the Ring’ *ahem*), so the boys are fairly handy at tough contact sports.
The colourfully dressed accident-prone moustachioed goons have gone through rigorous training regimes, mostly involving carrying large pieces of wood/ladders around and accidentally hitting people with it when they turn round, so they’re fighting fit and ready to box.
In the battle of the brothers, one shall stand and one shall fall. I don’t know about you, but my money is one the smaller one, as I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he’s got a lot of pent-up rage inside his skinny body from being bullied around all the time, so he might finally snap.
Here is a picture of the brothers Chuckle at a press conference promoting their forthcoming bout: http://www.farcical-films.co.uk/chucks/images/early.jpg
Mullets ahoy!
Peter Andre vs. Wolf from Gladiators
Wolf, the ticking time-bomb of fury, muscular brute, purveyor of ‘pugil-stick’ pain, ageing man-beast with recedingly good hair, a fine taste in leotards and a growl that can kill a man from twenty paces. Wolf was the hero of the people, who always showed flagrant disregard for rules and authority figures, a man who didn’t take any crap.
Wolf was truly the gladiator of all gladiators. Peter Andre on the other hand, was a pop star who always sang about girls. So what better than to bring the two faded stars into a boxing ring and let Wolf beat Peter to a blood-spattered pulp?
Peter jumps into the ring, tries to do a couple of one handed press ups, takes off his gown, and to the disappointment of the females (and camp males) in the audience, his career-making six-pack has been replaced with a fat gut. All the time in the wilderness of unemployment and away from the media spotlight has turned him from a greasy, image conscious hunk to a faded flabby nobody. How the mighty fall.
Wolf on the other hand, has continued his arduous training schedule from his Gladiator days and is in prime condition to give Andre a good beating.
Roger Moore vs. Sean Connery
This bout has been dubbed “ The Battle of the Bonds”, and like Quality Street, everyone has his or her favourite James Bond (mine being Strawberry cream and Roger Moore).
There’s Roger, the debonair master of the deft quip, whose eyebrow can say a thousand words, and there’s Sean, a tough guy Scot with a hairy chest and a penchant for Pu$$y Galore.
But who would win if they had a brawl? Both have differing fighting styles, but seeing as both are now really old, it’s not thought that they’ll put up much of an exciting contest, so it might end up being an anticlimax as the aging duo skulk around the ring looking decrepit.
Graham Norton vs. Mike Tyson
Many people (especially me) have always wanted someone to give Norton a damn good thrashing, and “Iron Mike”, the overly pugnacious, foaming-at-the-mouth, woman beating, ear biting psychopath, is the one to give it to the irritating, squeaky-voiced overly camp TV presenter. The inevitable bloodbath will definitely wipe the smirk off what’s left of Graham’s potentially mangled face.
Tyson has been allowed special permission to come out of his cage, visit the UK, beat Graham Norton to a pulp in the name of charity, and then fly back to the US. Everyone’s happy.
Macaulay Culkin vs. Gary Coleman
The battle of the child stars, and strangely, both now are regarded as men, yet both are still small. Gary, with his expertise as a former shin-kicking security guard and who received sage-like advise from celebrity boxing winner Willis from Diff’rent Strokes, will probably be the favourite, but don’t discount Macaulay, he’s a good friend of Michael Jackson, so is used to a bit of rough & tumble in the ring (sorry, very poor taste again but I couldn’t help it ;D)
Richard Keys vs. Pete Sampras
Aside from Ryan Giggs, who requires frequent all-over body shaves to keep him looking like a human and not a monkey, Keys and Sampras are indeed two of the hairiest human beings on the planet, so it would be cool if they had a bare-chested brawl. It’d be like watching the monkeys fighting at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, only with more hair on show and the use of boxing gloves instead of bones.
Both are fairly boring straight-man types, so it’ll be interesting to see if any primal actions take over the hairy monkey men when forced to fight in front of a crowd of sweaty punters. Seeing as both men are very monkey-like, so probably have long arms, plenty of long reach jabbing should be the order of the day.
The loser of the hard fought duel must undergo an all-over body shave, with the winner being officially declared the hairiest man on the planet.
Michael Barrymore vs. John Leslie
The two shammed TV presenters, fugitives on the wrong side of the law and forced underground by media frenzies, have been coerced into fighting each other for the benefit of the vengeance seeking crowds. They were rumoured to have been told that if they took part in the charity contest, both would get new contracts and be accepted back into the TV family. In actual fact however, unbeknownst to them, the winner will fight Lennox Lewis in the next series, and the loser will fight Mike Tyson, so justice will be metered out to the *alleged* criminals eventually.
Both men are very tall, so it’ll be an interesting contest, but it is believed that Leslie likes aiming below the belt roughhouse tactics whilst deranged rubber-legged loon Barrymore likes to take his opponents from behind…
David Dickinson vs. Robert Kilroy-Silk
There are many rivalries in the entertainment world today, none more heated than the battle to be the most bronze man on TV. Two of the main contenders for this sought after accolade are leathery-faced David “The Bronze Lovejoy” Dickinson and “Silky” Robert Kilroy-Silk (or just Kilroy to his friends). The fake tanned orange duo must fight it out for the ultimate prize in showbiz.
The winner of this bout will go on to face the winner of the Des O’Connor and Bob Monkhouse fight, which takes place in the second series. The winner of the final shall then be awarded with the bronze statue of excellence.
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders
Boxing has many different weight categories, from feather and bantam weights to much heavier ones, but for this bout a new category has been invented: The Super Duper Heavyweight Division,
The boxing ring has been specially strengthened for this titanic battle, and both men have gone into the gym…to watch other people work out whilst they stuff themselves on cakes and sweet treats.
Heavyweight crooner Rik, who makes Gilbert Grape’s mother look anorexic, will probably be the favourite due to his sheer size, but we mustn’t discount Barry the seven-chinned wonder, as he’s been in a few pub brawls in his time (though he lost them all).
Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T
Like Graham Norton, the entire nation want to see Peter Stringfellow the aging playboy/dirty old man get beaten up, and the only legal way of doing it is in the boxing ring with one tough sucka, and that sucka happens to be Mr. T!
It is hoped that tough guy Mr. T, using all his boxing expertise gained from Rocky III, will use Stringfellow as a leopard skinned punchbag, pummelling the mulleted old geezer till his false teeth fall out and his smarmy grin is replaced with a look of sheer terror. The cowardly Stringfellow won’t put up much resistance because he’s not much of a fighter, as he’s got a yellow streak so big you could rent space on it.
The first series of Celebrity Boxing will be shown on BBC1 sometime in 2003, and from the look of some of those bouts, I can’t wait!
Grudges will be settled and plenty of blood spilt, as the celebrities enjoy the oh-so civilised sport of bashing each other’s brains in for the benefit of charity and entertainment for TV viewers.
On the card for the first series we have:
Barry Chuckle vs. Paul Chuckle
Barry (the small one), the emaciated Ian Rush look-alike and Paul (the big one), the 70’s porn star look-alike have always had many arguments and disagreements with each other in the past, so now they finally get to settle their differences in the squared circle. There was an episode of ChuckleVision where the hapless brothers were wrestlers (the episode was called ‘In the Ring’ *ahem*), so the boys are fairly handy at tough contact sports.
The colourfully dressed accident-prone moustachioed goons have gone through rigorous training regimes, mostly involving carrying large pieces of wood/ladders around and accidentally hitting people with it when they turn round, so they’re fighting fit and ready to box.
In the battle of the brothers, one shall stand and one shall fall. I don’t know about you, but my money is one the smaller one, as I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that he’s got a lot of pent-up rage inside his skinny body from being bullied around all the time, so he might finally snap.
Here is a picture of the brothers Chuckle at a press conference promoting their forthcoming bout: http://www.farcical-films.co.uk/chucks/images/early.jpg
Mullets ahoy!
Peter Andre vs. Wolf from Gladiators
Wolf, the ticking time-bomb of fury, muscular brute, purveyor of ‘pugil-stick’ pain, ageing man-beast with recedingly good hair, a fine taste in leotards and a growl that can kill a man from twenty paces. Wolf was the hero of the people, who always showed flagrant disregard for rules and authority figures, a man who didn’t take any crap.
Wolf was truly the gladiator of all gladiators. Peter Andre on the other hand, was a pop star who always sang about girls. So what better than to bring the two faded stars into a boxing ring and let Wolf beat Peter to a blood-spattered pulp?
Peter jumps into the ring, tries to do a couple of one handed press ups, takes off his gown, and to the disappointment of the females (and camp males) in the audience, his career-making six-pack has been replaced with a fat gut. All the time in the wilderness of unemployment and away from the media spotlight has turned him from a greasy, image conscious hunk to a faded flabby nobody. How the mighty fall.
Wolf on the other hand, has continued his arduous training schedule from his Gladiator days and is in prime condition to give Andre a good beating.
Roger Moore vs. Sean Connery
This bout has been dubbed “ The Battle of the Bonds”, and like Quality Street, everyone has his or her favourite James Bond (mine being Strawberry cream and Roger Moore).
There’s Roger, the debonair master of the deft quip, whose eyebrow can say a thousand words, and there’s Sean, a tough guy Scot with a hairy chest and a penchant for Pu$$y Galore.
But who would win if they had a brawl? Both have differing fighting styles, but seeing as both are now really old, it’s not thought that they’ll put up much of an exciting contest, so it might end up being an anticlimax as the aging duo skulk around the ring looking decrepit.
Graham Norton vs. Mike Tyson
Many people (especially me) have always wanted someone to give Norton a damn good thrashing, and “Iron Mike”, the overly pugnacious, foaming-at-the-mouth, woman beating, ear biting psychopath, is the one to give it to the irritating, squeaky-voiced overly camp TV presenter. The inevitable bloodbath will definitely wipe the smirk off what’s left of Graham’s potentially mangled face.
Tyson has been allowed special permission to come out of his cage, visit the UK, beat Graham Norton to a pulp in the name of charity, and then fly back to the US. Everyone’s happy.
Macaulay Culkin vs. Gary Coleman
The battle of the child stars, and strangely, both now are regarded as men, yet both are still small. Gary, with his expertise as a former shin-kicking security guard and who received sage-like advise from celebrity boxing winner Willis from Diff’rent Strokes, will probably be the favourite, but don’t discount Macaulay, he’s a good friend of Michael Jackson, so is used to a bit of rough & tumble in the ring (sorry, very poor taste again but I couldn’t help it ;D)
Richard Keys vs. Pete Sampras
Aside from Ryan Giggs, who requires frequent all-over body shaves to keep him looking like a human and not a monkey, Keys and Sampras are indeed two of the hairiest human beings on the planet, so it would be cool if they had a bare-chested brawl. It’d be like watching the monkeys fighting at the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, only with more hair on show and the use of boxing gloves instead of bones.
Both are fairly boring straight-man types, so it’ll be interesting to see if any primal actions take over the hairy monkey men when forced to fight in front of a crowd of sweaty punters. Seeing as both men are very monkey-like, so probably have long arms, plenty of long reach jabbing should be the order of the day.
The loser of the hard fought duel must undergo an all-over body shave, with the winner being officially declared the hairiest man on the planet.
Michael Barrymore vs. John Leslie
The two shammed TV presenters, fugitives on the wrong side of the law and forced underground by media frenzies, have been coerced into fighting each other for the benefit of the vengeance seeking crowds. They were rumoured to have been told that if they took part in the charity contest, both would get new contracts and be accepted back into the TV family. In actual fact however, unbeknownst to them, the winner will fight Lennox Lewis in the next series, and the loser will fight Mike Tyson, so justice will be metered out to the *alleged* criminals eventually.
Both men are very tall, so it’ll be an interesting contest, but it is believed that Leslie likes aiming below the belt roughhouse tactics whilst deranged rubber-legged loon Barrymore likes to take his opponents from behind…
David Dickinson vs. Robert Kilroy-Silk
There are many rivalries in the entertainment world today, none more heated than the battle to be the most bronze man on TV. Two of the main contenders for this sought after accolade are leathery-faced David “The Bronze Lovejoy” Dickinson and “Silky” Robert Kilroy-Silk (or just Kilroy to his friends). The fake tanned orange duo must fight it out for the ultimate prize in showbiz.
The winner of this bout will go on to face the winner of the Des O’Connor and Bob Monkhouse fight, which takes place in the second series. The winner of the final shall then be awarded with the bronze statue of excellence.
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders
Boxing has many different weight categories, from feather and bantam weights to much heavier ones, but for this bout a new category has been invented: The Super Duper Heavyweight Division,
The boxing ring has been specially strengthened for this titanic battle, and both men have gone into the gym…to watch other people work out whilst they stuff themselves on cakes and sweet treats.
Heavyweight crooner Rik, who makes Gilbert Grape’s mother look anorexic, will probably be the favourite due to his sheer size, but we mustn’t discount Barry the seven-chinned wonder, as he’s been in a few pub brawls in his time (though he lost them all).
Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T
Like Graham Norton, the entire nation want to see Peter Stringfellow the aging playboy/dirty old man get beaten up, and the only legal way of doing it is in the boxing ring with one tough sucka, and that sucka happens to be Mr. T!
It is hoped that tough guy Mr. T, using all his boxing expertise gained from Rocky III, will use Stringfellow as a leopard skinned punchbag, pummelling the mulleted old geezer till his false teeth fall out and his smarmy grin is replaced with a look of sheer terror. The cowardly Stringfellow won’t put up much resistance because he’s not much of a fighter, as he’s got a yellow streak so big you could rent space on it.
The first series of Celebrity Boxing will be shown on BBC1 sometime in 2003, and from the look of some of those bouts, I can’t wait!
look forward to seeing gary coleman back in action after so many years. what i'd like to see more is Different Strokes: after they were famous. Although it could be a very short programme
Already did it :-D
Although the Dickinson-Kilroy match sounds like a winner.
Although the Dickinson-Kilroy match sounds like a winner.
Heh, excellent.
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders and Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T should both be very interesting indeed.
Also John Leslie vs. Michael Barrymore will be very interesting for the fans.
Yeah.....
Good stuff anyhoo. :-)
Rik Waller vs. Barry from Eastenders and Peter Stringfellow vs. Mr. T should both be very interesting indeed.
Also John Leslie vs. Michael Barrymore will be very interesting for the fans.
Yeah.....
Good stuff anyhoo. :-)
Great stuff Totoro...very funny. I'd like to see Mackuly Culkin V's Gary Coleman myself.
How about an Ape V's Ape fight? Richard Keys V's Vanessa?
How about an Ape V's Ape fight? Richard Keys V's Vanessa?