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Gerridville News Report 26th Julember 2003
Transport Worries
The Gerridville transport System ground to a halt yesterday afternoon, after some leaves were found on a road in West Dulwich. A local resident reported it to the police, who then halted all traffic all over the City. Gerridville News caught up with Mr Alf Ribbons soon after the incident
“It was attroucious. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was casually returning home from Bingo, when I saw a pile of leaves in the road. I dropped my bags and ran over to see if anyone had been hurt, but found only a pile of old leaves, and a single page of a newspaper. I alerted the police straight away, as I feared for my own safety and the safety of others”
Mr Ribbons has been awarded a Victoria Cross for his brave actions, and he is very pleased
“I just did what anybody would do, but I am thrilled to have received this award.
A spokesperson for Gerridville Transport says the buses and trams will be inactive until the problem is dealt with, and the police have moved in to deal with the problem.
Reformists campaign for City Name change
Local environmentalist Crobb Jessop appeared on the late night news broadcast ‘Shrews at Night’, proclaiming that the name of the City was harming the local badger population. He said that the badgers were suffering and, if the Council did not take action and change the name of the City to something more environmentally friendly, he and his fellow environmentalists would besiege City Hall until something was done
When Cindy Trollop, the presenter of ‘Shrews at Night’ enquired as to the nature of the badger’s suffering, she was met with the statement
“Don’t try and change the subject you murdering *****. I’ve seen you buying cats for sandwiches at the local market, we have a whole file on you”
Mr Jessop then stormed off in a rage, leaving Ms Trollop and her final guest, The City Treasurer Jack Stockington, in shock.
When asked about the claims made by Mr Jessop, Jack Stockington cited the Cities recent monetary troubles, and the cost of changing the name from Gerridville to something more suitable, as a reason for keeping the name of the City.
Bingo Hall Involved in Prize Fixing
Recent claims by various old women have lead to a state funded investigation into the Two Fat Ladies Bingo Hall, in the south Cromford area, over fixing.
Many local residents have suspected that the manager, Ross Hundrill, has been fixing the winnings in the Bingo Hall for years, reducing the amount of money he has to pay up.
A local Pensioner and regular visitor to the Two Fat Ladies Bingo hall, Cherish Roonsorn, speaks openly about her experiences
“I’ve been going there for many years now, but I’ve never won a single thing. Except that one time I won four grand. But I’ve never won anything, and I go every Thursday. And that Merril wins every week. And I heard she slept with the owner, that old devil. It’s fixed, fixed I tell you! Like the war!”
The investigation has thrown up some interesting facts, such as Mr Hundrill’s secret house of dogs, which the detective likens to a burlesque house, but for dogs.
“Friends say Mr Hundrill visits this place regularly. We have called the RSPCA in to sort out this situation, but our investigation into allegations of prize fixing continues”
Mrs Roonsorn is currently recovering in hospital after a heart attack.
32nd Julember News Report
Police Stand off Continues
The 6-day police siege of a pile of leaves in West Dulwich, which has been disrupting transport in the area, continues, with police negotiators unable to placate the mound.
The stand off, which started when a Mr Alf Ribbons discovered the pile blocking Rondrum Road in West Dulwich, has continued night and day for 6 days.
The local chief of police ordered the area to be evacuated soon after he arrived, as he said the leaves posed a threat to local residents.
Police negotiators have been attempting to appease the blockage, but have been unsuccessful, due to the uncooperative nature of the leaves.
Police are currently considering calling in the military, as the situation may turn violent.
The Chief of Police, Mr Howard Littlejohn, cited the 1938 Human Rights Act, stating that, if the police were forced to employ weapons, they would be well within their rights. However, he also stated that he felt the resources of the police were lacking at this time, due to economic troubles, and if proactive action were to be taken, the safety of his police officers would be in question. He declared this as his reason for involving the military.
Riots disrupt Gay rights Parade
A group of animal activists, lead by Crobb Jessop, interrupted the peaceful Gayt rights march through the city centre yesterday afternoon. As the parade moved through Letcher Sqaure, a group of 50 or so animal activists, apparently dressed in bloody fur coats, started throwing bottles filled with blood at the marchers.
As the gay rights parade degenerated into chaos, Mr Jessop used a megaphone to accuse the homosexual community of harming the local weasel population. He then proceeded to move amongst the confused crowd and brandish weasels at them, shouting
“Look what you have done, you are harming these defenseless creatures”
Eye witnesses say that Mr Jessop then fell to the floor, as his weasels attacked him viciously. They report him shouting, seemingly in great pain
“Get these dirty great rats off of me before I sue you!”
In a west-country accent.
Police are currently searching for Mr Jessop, as several of the marchers have pressed charges.
City Economy in rapid decline?
The City Treasurer, Jack Stockington, has revealed that the City’s economy is in trouble.
He says reduced spending and high levels of emigration have caused the stock market to crash, among other things.
However, economy experts within large companies such as EdgeCom and SliceCo have dismissed such claims, saying that the economy is stronger than ever.
Some annalists attribute Mr Stockington’s recent remarks to old age, while close family friends say his mental health has been declining for several months.
His Wife, Sara, speaking to the local news channel, credited his eccentric remarks to recent activities
“He goes out every night after work, and I don’t see him until the morning. He comes home smelling of dog food, and we haven’t made love for three years”
Mr Stockington has been spotted entering “The Hairy Mutt”, an underground club, owned by Bingo Mogul Ross Hundrill. The club is currently under investigation by the RSPCA, after claims of animal cruelty.
A spokesperson for the RSPCA had this to say:
“Having looked extensively at the practices of the ‘Hairy Mutt’, I can safely say that none of the dancing animals are being harmed in any way”
He was reportedly wearing a new fur coat.
Transport Worries
The Gerridville transport System ground to a halt yesterday afternoon, after some leaves were found on a road in West Dulwich. A local resident reported it to the police, who then halted all traffic all over the City. Gerridville News caught up with Mr Alf Ribbons soon after the incident
“It was attroucious. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was casually returning home from Bingo, when I saw a pile of leaves in the road. I dropped my bags and ran over to see if anyone had been hurt, but found only a pile of old leaves, and a single page of a newspaper. I alerted the police straight away, as I feared for my own safety and the safety of others”
Mr Ribbons has been awarded a Victoria Cross for his brave actions, and he is very pleased
“I just did what anybody would do, but I am thrilled to have received this award.
A spokesperson for Gerridville Transport says the buses and trams will be inactive until the problem is dealt with, and the police have moved in to deal with the problem.
Reformists campaign for City Name change
Local environmentalist Crobb Jessop appeared on the late night news broadcast ‘Shrews at Night’, proclaiming that the name of the City was harming the local badger population. He said that the badgers were suffering and, if the Council did not take action and change the name of the City to something more environmentally friendly, he and his fellow environmentalists would besiege City Hall until something was done
When Cindy Trollop, the presenter of ‘Shrews at Night’ enquired as to the nature of the badger’s suffering, she was met with the statement
“Don’t try and change the subject you murdering *****. I’ve seen you buying cats for sandwiches at the local market, we have a whole file on you”
Mr Jessop then stormed off in a rage, leaving Ms Trollop and her final guest, The City Treasurer Jack Stockington, in shock.
When asked about the claims made by Mr Jessop, Jack Stockington cited the Cities recent monetary troubles, and the cost of changing the name from Gerridville to something more suitable, as a reason for keeping the name of the City.
Bingo Hall Involved in Prize Fixing
Recent claims by various old women have lead to a state funded investigation into the Two Fat Ladies Bingo Hall, in the south Cromford area, over fixing.
Many local residents have suspected that the manager, Ross Hundrill, has been fixing the winnings in the Bingo Hall for years, reducing the amount of money he has to pay up.
A local Pensioner and regular visitor to the Two Fat Ladies Bingo hall, Cherish Roonsorn, speaks openly about her experiences
“I’ve been going there for many years now, but I’ve never won a single thing. Except that one time I won four grand. But I’ve never won anything, and I go every Thursday. And that Merril wins every week. And I heard she slept with the owner, that old devil. It’s fixed, fixed I tell you! Like the war!”
The investigation has thrown up some interesting facts, such as Mr Hundrill’s secret house of dogs, which the detective likens to a burlesque house, but for dogs.
“Friends say Mr Hundrill visits this place regularly. We have called the RSPCA in to sort out this situation, but our investigation into allegations of prize fixing continues”
Mrs Roonsorn is currently recovering in hospital after a heart attack.
32nd Julember News Report
Police Stand off Continues
The 6-day police siege of a pile of leaves in West Dulwich, which has been disrupting transport in the area, continues, with police negotiators unable to placate the mound.
The stand off, which started when a Mr Alf Ribbons discovered the pile blocking Rondrum Road in West Dulwich, has continued night and day for 6 days.
The local chief of police ordered the area to be evacuated soon after he arrived, as he said the leaves posed a threat to local residents.
Police negotiators have been attempting to appease the blockage, but have been unsuccessful, due to the uncooperative nature of the leaves.
Police are currently considering calling in the military, as the situation may turn violent.
The Chief of Police, Mr Howard Littlejohn, cited the 1938 Human Rights Act, stating that, if the police were forced to employ weapons, they would be well within their rights. However, he also stated that he felt the resources of the police were lacking at this time, due to economic troubles, and if proactive action were to be taken, the safety of his police officers would be in question. He declared this as his reason for involving the military.
Riots disrupt Gay rights Parade
A group of animal activists, lead by Crobb Jessop, interrupted the peaceful Gayt rights march through the city centre yesterday afternoon. As the parade moved through Letcher Sqaure, a group of 50 or so animal activists, apparently dressed in bloody fur coats, started throwing bottles filled with blood at the marchers.
As the gay rights parade degenerated into chaos, Mr Jessop used a megaphone to accuse the homosexual community of harming the local weasel population. He then proceeded to move amongst the confused crowd and brandish weasels at them, shouting
“Look what you have done, you are harming these defenseless creatures”
Eye witnesses say that Mr Jessop then fell to the floor, as his weasels attacked him viciously. They report him shouting, seemingly in great pain
“Get these dirty great rats off of me before I sue you!”
In a west-country accent.
Police are currently searching for Mr Jessop, as several of the marchers have pressed charges.
City Economy in rapid decline?
The City Treasurer, Jack Stockington, has revealed that the City’s economy is in trouble.
He says reduced spending and high levels of emigration have caused the stock market to crash, among other things.
However, economy experts within large companies such as EdgeCom and SliceCo have dismissed such claims, saying that the economy is stronger than ever.
Some annalists attribute Mr Stockington’s recent remarks to old age, while close family friends say his mental health has been declining for several months.
His Wife, Sara, speaking to the local news channel, credited his eccentric remarks to recent activities
“He goes out every night after work, and I don’t see him until the morning. He comes home smelling of dog food, and we haven’t made love for three years”
Mr Stockington has been spotted entering “The Hairy Mutt”, an underground club, owned by Bingo Mogul Ross Hundrill. The club is currently under investigation by the RSPCA, after claims of animal cruelty.
A spokesperson for the RSPCA had this to say:
“Having looked extensively at the practices of the ‘Hairy Mutt’, I can safely say that none of the dancing animals are being harmed in any way”
He was reportedly wearing a new fur coat.
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froots donned a review!
Go froots
Go froots
Yey also!
Yey
The luckiest toe-rag in Gerridville wins
The luckiest toe-rag in Gerridville wins
Don't yay him. He always wins. Well three or four times. Gah! The lucky toe-rag.
Yey!
The Gerridville News has been nominated for best news show in the history of everness.
And it won!
Yey for cheese and for Gerridville!
The Gerridville News has been nominated for best news show in the history of everness.
And it won!
Yey for cheese and for Gerridville!
Yes funny. Almost as funny as that Gangs Of New York spoof.
Funny, strange but funny. I expect nothing less gerrid.
And you said it wasn't funny.
Ho Ho, that’s the funniest thing ive seen since slice bread, ho ho. Another fabulous post there the gerrid, A letter of higher recommendation will be coming your way, via mongoose.
Fantastic. Absoloutely great.
Funny as hell, me like.
:-D
Funny as hell, me like.
:-D
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