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Over the coming months/years, speculation will be rife like nits on an old tramp about who is to succeed Pierce Brosnan as James Bond when he finally hangs up his Walther PPK. There have been many names thrown around, from Christian Bale, Ralph Fiennes and even comedy alien ALF, and there are many other serious contenders for the coveted role.
However, in a major Special Reserve exclusive, I’ve got the inside scoop as to what plans the producers of 007 have got in mind…
Roger Moore is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Oldfinger”:
The best James Bond by a country mile in my expert opinion, and Ian Fleming’s original first choice to play the role on the big screen, Roger Moore is back!
Despite being a mere 75 years of age (or perhaps 0075 :)), possessing a very baggy neck and having not made a decent film for about twenty years (though some may argue that he ever made a decent film at all), the blue safari suit & neckerchief wearing eyebrow-arching lord of quippery returns to the role of 007.
This time around though, instead of wearing a black dinner jacket, Bond wears a dapper cardigan and tartan slippers, and always turns on the charm to bed Bond girls 50 years younger than him whilst churning out the odd innuendo filled pun.
Bond girl *innocently*: “All this action must be tiring?”
Moore: “Well my dear, old age, dodgy hips and creaky knees are getting to be a bit of a drag”.
Bond girl *innocently again*: “But Mr. Bond, you’re so old, how do you keep it up?”
Moore: *looks at camera & arches eyebrow in typical Moore style*
The plot is your usual 007 fare; in a shock discovery, two of Bond’s arch nemeses, Blofeld and Oddjob, aren’t dead after all!
Together, they have taken the first and last portions of each name and formed an evil partnership known as…Blo….no…ahem…Oddfeld.
They have concocted a fiendish plot to steal all the worlds Country Vegetable Soup and Cream Crackers in an attempt to deprive all the OAP’s their favourite dinner, thus causing worldwide OAP riots and general grey haired chaos.
So, joined by racist ginger redneck Sheriff J.W. Pepper and the ghost of Q, the decrepit Bond must beat the soup and cracker stealing baddies, whilst battling against all the pitfalls of old age.
One of Q’s gadgets is a little sound amplifier hearing aid that fits neatly in 007’s ear, and another is a gadget laden mobility scooter, equipped with missiles, oils slicks, turbo boosts, shopping basket and a plastic rain cover.
Knowing the Bond series has previously had sports stars in major roles (well, actually tennis star Vijay Amritraj in Octopussy is the only one I can think of), eccentric Manchester United goalkeeper and Blofeld look-alike Fabien Barthez plays Blofeld, and giant Kiwi rugby player Jonah Lomu plays the deadly Oddjob.
Steve Guttenberg is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Man With The Golden Neck”:
The world’s gold is mysteriously disappearing! We know that strangely accented Auric Goldfinger isn’t behind the fiendish plot as the gold-loving fat guy was sucked out of an aeroplane many years ago. There’s only one other man with a love for gold this strong, Mr. T!
In an old disused subway station somewhere in New York, which doubles as the gold loving fiend’s secret underground lair, Mr. T plans to use a giant gold magnet to steal all worlds gold for himself to make many items of jewellery. He’s ably assisted in this scheme by his little midget henchman brother ‘Little Arnold’ (Gary Coleman). As well as being a crazy gold-hungry villain, Mr. T also has a personal vendetta against Bond as he blames the suave spy for stunting his brother’s growth from all the second hand cigar/cigarette smoke he’s pumped out over the years.
Steve Guttenberg (a man often tipped to be 007 in the past) is a wisecracking James Bond, his ever-present sidekick Michael Winslow plays New York cop Larvell Jones and makes his usual assortment of funny noises. Together they must thwart Mr. T before he nabs all the gold, and have lots of comedy capers.
Dale Winton is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Guy Who Loved Me”:
With the world’s love of the “camp” celebrities nowadays, Bond keeps up with the trends of the era by turning from a womanising spy into a man-eating spy. There’s only one camp man tough enough for the job: Dale Winton.
Having been a successful, good-looking spy for a number of years now, James Bond has got himself a rival in the shape of CIA agent Graham Norton.
There’s a power-hungry megalomaniac (played by Michael Barrymore) who wants to rule the world helped out by his army of sailors. Bond must take care of the baddie, and to do the mission, he has to team up with Norton to save the day. And guess what, from being rivals, they become lovers.
There’s usually the odd smutty innuendo in 007 movies, but this time it’s even more apparent, and the movie is more like ‘Carry on Spying’ than a regular Bond movie, with lines like “Is that a shotgun in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?”, and Graham Norton frequently talking innuendoes using the word “Bangkok”.
Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young combine to sing the theme tune.
C. Thomas Howell is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “From Baghdad With Love”:
Back in the mid-80’s, when Roger Moore was getting on a bit, C. Thomas Howell, thought to have disappeared off the face of the earth but was actually in the realm of the TV movie, was set to be 007, but alas, he never was.
But now, after spending lots of time in the waste paper bin, due to recent events in the Gulf, the script has been changed from Bond’s 80’s escapades in the Falklands to a current story and C. Thomas is back!
Yes, 007 is the man whose mission it is to kick Saddam’s tyrannical butt in this overly patriotic propaganda. Bond sneaks into Baghdad, takes down an army of elite Iraqi soldiers, beds a few mysterious women and then defeats Saddam in a thrilling finale.
Keeping the original intended 80’s stars; Brian Dennehy is now Saddam Hussein and Rutger Hauer is his psychotic bodyguard henchman doppelganger, Abdul Hussein.
Corey Feldman and Molly Ringwald also make an appearance as a couple of tearaway teens who somehow get mixed up in the events.
80’s singer Fergal Sharkey will do the opening theme.
Burt Reynolds is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Thunderball Run”:
A valuable piece of satellite equipment has crash-landed somewhere in the American outback. In order to save the world, a moustachioed 007 (Burt Reynolds) goes in a madcap crazy cross-country race to recover the important device, ably assisted by his glamorous assistant (Dom DeLuise).
Bond is not alone in his quest though, he’s up against the Russians, CIA, FBI, Chinese, Iraqis, North Koreans, Japanese, Syrians and Lebanese, each have their own crazy cars and gadgets, and they’re all striving to reach the satellite first.
Roger Moore makes a guest appearance as himself/Seymour Goldfarb, and despite being from Hong Kong, Jackie Chan is back as the Japanese kung-fu master Subaru driver.
Rik Waller is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Live & Let Pie”, “The Pie Who Loved Me”, “GoldenPie”, “For Your Pies Only”, “Tomorrow Never Pies”, “Pie Another Day” or “Diet Another Day” *name to be confirmed
As the western world becomes larger around the waist thanks to fast food abuse, there is increasing demand to make 007 “chunkier” also. Larger-than-life Rik Waller squeezes his huge body into the 007 tuxedo, eats lots of pies and even sings the theme tune.
The film is about Bond’s struggle to overcome his biggest nemesis yet: a terrible weight problem that’s blighting his spying career.
Q’s gadgets to help Bond fight the flab include a gadget-laden treadmill, a gadget-laden rowing machine and liposuction. Will Bond beat his problems and end up fighting fit, or will he end up bursting like Mr Creosote?
CG is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “CPU Only Live Twice” or “OctoPC”
The way the movies are going, with special effects ruling over everything and a lack of charismatic actors, it’s only a matter of time before we see a completely computer generated James Bond.
Using different parts of each James Bond actor, computer designers have created the perfect CG Bond. A novel feature is that you can actually choose which former bond actor dubs the CG character when you go to the cinema.
All these ideas are being considered, and could hit cinema screens soon…
However, in a major Special Reserve exclusive, I’ve got the inside scoop as to what plans the producers of 007 have got in mind…
Roger Moore is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Oldfinger”:
The best James Bond by a country mile in my expert opinion, and Ian Fleming’s original first choice to play the role on the big screen, Roger Moore is back!
Despite being a mere 75 years of age (or perhaps 0075 :)), possessing a very baggy neck and having not made a decent film for about twenty years (though some may argue that he ever made a decent film at all), the blue safari suit & neckerchief wearing eyebrow-arching lord of quippery returns to the role of 007.
This time around though, instead of wearing a black dinner jacket, Bond wears a dapper cardigan and tartan slippers, and always turns on the charm to bed Bond girls 50 years younger than him whilst churning out the odd innuendo filled pun.
Bond girl *innocently*: “All this action must be tiring?”
Moore: “Well my dear, old age, dodgy hips and creaky knees are getting to be a bit of a drag”.
Bond girl *innocently again*: “But Mr. Bond, you’re so old, how do you keep it up?”
Moore: *looks at camera & arches eyebrow in typical Moore style*
The plot is your usual 007 fare; in a shock discovery, two of Bond’s arch nemeses, Blofeld and Oddjob, aren’t dead after all!
Together, they have taken the first and last portions of each name and formed an evil partnership known as…Blo….no…ahem…Oddfeld.
They have concocted a fiendish plot to steal all the worlds Country Vegetable Soup and Cream Crackers in an attempt to deprive all the OAP’s their favourite dinner, thus causing worldwide OAP riots and general grey haired chaos.
So, joined by racist ginger redneck Sheriff J.W. Pepper and the ghost of Q, the decrepit Bond must beat the soup and cracker stealing baddies, whilst battling against all the pitfalls of old age.
One of Q’s gadgets is a little sound amplifier hearing aid that fits neatly in 007’s ear, and another is a gadget laden mobility scooter, equipped with missiles, oils slicks, turbo boosts, shopping basket and a plastic rain cover.
Knowing the Bond series has previously had sports stars in major roles (well, actually tennis star Vijay Amritraj in Octopussy is the only one I can think of), eccentric Manchester United goalkeeper and Blofeld look-alike Fabien Barthez plays Blofeld, and giant Kiwi rugby player Jonah Lomu plays the deadly Oddjob.
Steve Guttenberg is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Man With The Golden Neck”:
The world’s gold is mysteriously disappearing! We know that strangely accented Auric Goldfinger isn’t behind the fiendish plot as the gold-loving fat guy was sucked out of an aeroplane many years ago. There’s only one other man with a love for gold this strong, Mr. T!
In an old disused subway station somewhere in New York, which doubles as the gold loving fiend’s secret underground lair, Mr. T plans to use a giant gold magnet to steal all worlds gold for himself to make many items of jewellery. He’s ably assisted in this scheme by his little midget henchman brother ‘Little Arnold’ (Gary Coleman). As well as being a crazy gold-hungry villain, Mr. T also has a personal vendetta against Bond as he blames the suave spy for stunting his brother’s growth from all the second hand cigar/cigarette smoke he’s pumped out over the years.
Steve Guttenberg (a man often tipped to be 007 in the past) is a wisecracking James Bond, his ever-present sidekick Michael Winslow plays New York cop Larvell Jones and makes his usual assortment of funny noises. Together they must thwart Mr. T before he nabs all the gold, and have lots of comedy capers.
Dale Winton is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Guy Who Loved Me”:
With the world’s love of the “camp” celebrities nowadays, Bond keeps up with the trends of the era by turning from a womanising spy into a man-eating spy. There’s only one camp man tough enough for the job: Dale Winton.
Having been a successful, good-looking spy for a number of years now, James Bond has got himself a rival in the shape of CIA agent Graham Norton.
There’s a power-hungry megalomaniac (played by Michael Barrymore) who wants to rule the world helped out by his army of sailors. Bond must take care of the baddie, and to do the mission, he has to team up with Norton to save the day. And guess what, from being rivals, they become lovers.
There’s usually the odd smutty innuendo in 007 movies, but this time it’s even more apparent, and the movie is more like ‘Carry on Spying’ than a regular Bond movie, with lines like “Is that a shotgun in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?”, and Graham Norton frequently talking innuendoes using the word “Bangkok”.
Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young combine to sing the theme tune.
C. Thomas Howell is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “From Baghdad With Love”:
Back in the mid-80’s, when Roger Moore was getting on a bit, C. Thomas Howell, thought to have disappeared off the face of the earth but was actually in the realm of the TV movie, was set to be 007, but alas, he never was.
But now, after spending lots of time in the waste paper bin, due to recent events in the Gulf, the script has been changed from Bond’s 80’s escapades in the Falklands to a current story and C. Thomas is back!
Yes, 007 is the man whose mission it is to kick Saddam’s tyrannical butt in this overly patriotic propaganda. Bond sneaks into Baghdad, takes down an army of elite Iraqi soldiers, beds a few mysterious women and then defeats Saddam in a thrilling finale.
Keeping the original intended 80’s stars; Brian Dennehy is now Saddam Hussein and Rutger Hauer is his psychotic bodyguard henchman doppelganger, Abdul Hussein.
Corey Feldman and Molly Ringwald also make an appearance as a couple of tearaway teens who somehow get mixed up in the events.
80’s singer Fergal Sharkey will do the opening theme.
Burt Reynolds is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Thunderball Run”:
A valuable piece of satellite equipment has crash-landed somewhere in the American outback. In order to save the world, a moustachioed 007 (Burt Reynolds) goes in a madcap crazy cross-country race to recover the important device, ably assisted by his glamorous assistant (Dom DeLuise).
Bond is not alone in his quest though, he’s up against the Russians, CIA, FBI, Chinese, Iraqis, North Koreans, Japanese, Syrians and Lebanese, each have their own crazy cars and gadgets, and they’re all striving to reach the satellite first.
Roger Moore makes a guest appearance as himself/Seymour Goldfarb, and despite being from Hong Kong, Jackie Chan is back as the Japanese kung-fu master Subaru driver.
Rik Waller is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Live & Let Pie”, “The Pie Who Loved Me”, “GoldenPie”, “For Your Pies Only”, “Tomorrow Never Pies”, “Pie Another Day” or “Diet Another Day” *name to be confirmed
As the western world becomes larger around the waist thanks to fast food abuse, there is increasing demand to make 007 “chunkier” also. Larger-than-life Rik Waller squeezes his huge body into the 007 tuxedo, eats lots of pies and even sings the theme tune.
The film is about Bond’s struggle to overcome his biggest nemesis yet: a terrible weight problem that’s blighting his spying career.
Q’s gadgets to help Bond fight the flab include a gadget-laden treadmill, a gadget-laden rowing machine and liposuction. Will Bond beat his problems and end up fighting fit, or will he end up bursting like Mr Creosote?
CG is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “CPU Only Live Twice” or “OctoPC”
The way the movies are going, with special effects ruling over everything and a lack of charismatic actors, it’s only a matter of time before we see a completely computer generated James Bond.
Using different parts of each James Bond actor, computer designers have created the perfect CG Bond. A novel feature is that you can actually choose which former bond actor dubs the CG character when you go to the cinema.
All these ideas are being considered, and could hit cinema screens soon…
Haha, nicely done.
I particularly liked the Dale Winton one - not that I'd like seeing it... of course...
Yeah...
Good stuff! :-)
I particularly liked the Dale Winton one - not that I'd like seeing it... of course...
Yeah...
Good stuff! :-)
"Look out Bond, it's a giant cat!"
"Mi-ew."
"AGHH"
"Mi-ew."
"AGHH"
You forgot "The Man With The Golden Hip".
Blofeld would be stroking a cat with a brain-dome head.
Blofeld would be stroking a cat with a brain-dome head.
Very amusing Mr Bond.
The next Bond should be Michael Palin, with Eric Idle as M and John Cleese as Q. The bad guy would be played by Terry Gilliam and would try to rule the world via strange animations while wearing a dress and head scarf.
The next Bond should be Michael Palin, with Eric Idle as M and John Cleese as Q. The bad guy would be played by Terry Gilliam and would try to rule the world via strange animations while wearing a dress and head scarf.
Heh, cool post.
Over the coming months/years, speculation will be rife like nits on an old tramp about who is to succeed Pierce Brosnan as James Bond when he finally hangs up his Walther PPK. There have been many names thrown around, from Christian Bale, Ralph Fiennes and even comedy alien ALF, and there are many other serious contenders for the coveted role.
However, in a major Special Reserve exclusive, I’ve got the inside scoop as to what plans the producers of 007 have got in mind…
Roger Moore is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Oldfinger”:
The best James Bond by a country mile in my expert opinion, and Ian Fleming’s original first choice to play the role on the big screen, Roger Moore is back!
Despite being a mere 75 years of age (or perhaps 0075 :)), possessing a very baggy neck and having not made a decent film for about twenty years (though some may argue that he ever made a decent film at all), the blue safari suit & neckerchief wearing eyebrow-arching lord of quippery returns to the role of 007.
This time around though, instead of wearing a black dinner jacket, Bond wears a dapper cardigan and tartan slippers, and always turns on the charm to bed Bond girls 50 years younger than him whilst churning out the odd innuendo filled pun.
Bond girl *innocently*: “All this action must be tiring?”
Moore: “Well my dear, old age, dodgy hips and creaky knees are getting to be a bit of a drag”.
Bond girl *innocently again*: “But Mr. Bond, you’re so old, how do you keep it up?”
Moore: *looks at camera & arches eyebrow in typical Moore style*
The plot is your usual 007 fare; in a shock discovery, two of Bond’s arch nemeses, Blofeld and Oddjob, aren’t dead after all!
Together, they have taken the first and last portions of each name and formed an evil partnership known as…Blo….no…ahem…Oddfeld.
They have concocted a fiendish plot to steal all the worlds Country Vegetable Soup and Cream Crackers in an attempt to deprive all the OAP’s their favourite dinner, thus causing worldwide OAP riots and general grey haired chaos.
So, joined by racist ginger redneck Sheriff J.W. Pepper and the ghost of Q, the decrepit Bond must beat the soup and cracker stealing baddies, whilst battling against all the pitfalls of old age.
One of Q’s gadgets is a little sound amplifier hearing aid that fits neatly in 007’s ear, and another is a gadget laden mobility scooter, equipped with missiles, oils slicks, turbo boosts, shopping basket and a plastic rain cover.
Knowing the Bond series has previously had sports stars in major roles (well, actually tennis star Vijay Amritraj in Octopussy is the only one I can think of), eccentric Manchester United goalkeeper and Blofeld look-alike Fabien Barthez plays Blofeld, and giant Kiwi rugby player Jonah Lomu plays the deadly Oddjob.
Steve Guttenberg is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Man With The Golden Neck”:
The world’s gold is mysteriously disappearing! We know that strangely accented Auric Goldfinger isn’t behind the fiendish plot as the gold-loving fat guy was sucked out of an aeroplane many years ago. There’s only one other man with a love for gold this strong, Mr. T!
In an old disused subway station somewhere in New York, which doubles as the gold loving fiend’s secret underground lair, Mr. T plans to use a giant gold magnet to steal all worlds gold for himself to make many items of jewellery. He’s ably assisted in this scheme by his little midget henchman brother ‘Little Arnold’ (Gary Coleman). As well as being a crazy gold-hungry villain, Mr. T also has a personal vendetta against Bond as he blames the suave spy for stunting his brother’s growth from all the second hand cigar/cigarette smoke he’s pumped out over the years.
Steve Guttenberg (a man often tipped to be 007 in the past) is a wisecracking James Bond, his ever-present sidekick Michael Winslow plays New York cop Larvell Jones and makes his usual assortment of funny noises. Together they must thwart Mr. T before he nabs all the gold, and have lots of comedy capers.
Dale Winton is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Guy Who Loved Me”:
With the world’s love of the “camp” celebrities nowadays, Bond keeps up with the trends of the era by turning from a womanising spy into a man-eating spy. There’s only one camp man tough enough for the job: Dale Winton.
Having been a successful, good-looking spy for a number of years now, James Bond has got himself a rival in the shape of CIA agent Graham Norton.
There’s a power-hungry megalomaniac (played by Michael Barrymore) who wants to rule the world helped out by his army of sailors. Bond must take care of the baddie, and to do the mission, he has to team up with Norton to save the day. And guess what, from being rivals, they become lovers.
There’s usually the odd smutty innuendo in 007 movies, but this time it’s even more apparent, and the movie is more like ‘Carry on Spying’ than a regular Bond movie, with lines like “Is that a shotgun in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?”, and Graham Norton frequently talking innuendoes using the word “Bangkok”.
Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young combine to sing the theme tune.
C. Thomas Howell is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “From Baghdad With Love”:
Back in the mid-80’s, when Roger Moore was getting on a bit, C. Thomas Howell, thought to have disappeared off the face of the earth but was actually in the realm of the TV movie, was set to be 007, but alas, he never was.
But now, after spending lots of time in the waste paper bin, due to recent events in the Gulf, the script has been changed from Bond’s 80’s escapades in the Falklands to a current story and C. Thomas is back!
Yes, 007 is the man whose mission it is to kick Saddam’s tyrannical butt in this overly patriotic propaganda. Bond sneaks into Baghdad, takes down an army of elite Iraqi soldiers, beds a few mysterious women and then defeats Saddam in a thrilling finale.
Keeping the original intended 80’s stars; Brian Dennehy is now Saddam Hussein and Rutger Hauer is his psychotic bodyguard henchman doppelganger, Abdul Hussein.
Corey Feldman and Molly Ringwald also make an appearance as a couple of tearaway teens who somehow get mixed up in the events.
80’s singer Fergal Sharkey will do the opening theme.
Burt Reynolds is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Thunderball Run”:
A valuable piece of satellite equipment has crash-landed somewhere in the American outback. In order to save the world, a moustachioed 007 (Burt Reynolds) goes in a madcap crazy cross-country race to recover the important device, ably assisted by his glamorous assistant (Dom DeLuise).
Bond is not alone in his quest though, he’s up against the Russians, CIA, FBI, Chinese, Iraqis, North Koreans, Japanese, Syrians and Lebanese, each have their own crazy cars and gadgets, and they’re all striving to reach the satellite first.
Roger Moore makes a guest appearance as himself/Seymour Goldfarb, and despite being from Hong Kong, Jackie Chan is back as the Japanese kung-fu master Subaru driver.
Rik Waller is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Live & Let Pie”, “The Pie Who Loved Me”, “GoldenPie”, “For Your Pies Only”, “Tomorrow Never Pies”, “Pie Another Day” or “Diet Another Day” *name to be confirmed
As the western world becomes larger around the waist thanks to fast food abuse, there is increasing demand to make 007 “chunkier” also. Larger-than-life Rik Waller squeezes his huge body into the 007 tuxedo, eats lots of pies and even sings the theme tune.
The film is about Bond’s struggle to overcome his biggest nemesis yet: a terrible weight problem that’s blighting his spying career.
Q’s gadgets to help Bond fight the flab include a gadget-laden treadmill, a gadget-laden rowing machine and liposuction. Will Bond beat his problems and end up fighting fit, or will he end up bursting like Mr Creosote?
CG is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “CPU Only Live Twice” or “OctoPC”
The way the movies are going, with special effects ruling over everything and a lack of charismatic actors, it’s only a matter of time before we see a completely computer generated James Bond.
Using different parts of each James Bond actor, computer designers have created the perfect CG Bond. A novel feature is that you can actually choose which former bond actor dubs the CG character when you go to the cinema.
All these ideas are being considered, and could hit cinema screens soon…
However, in a major Special Reserve exclusive, I’ve got the inside scoop as to what plans the producers of 007 have got in mind…
Roger Moore is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Oldfinger”:
The best James Bond by a country mile in my expert opinion, and Ian Fleming’s original first choice to play the role on the big screen, Roger Moore is back!
Despite being a mere 75 years of age (or perhaps 0075 :)), possessing a very baggy neck and having not made a decent film for about twenty years (though some may argue that he ever made a decent film at all), the blue safari suit & neckerchief wearing eyebrow-arching lord of quippery returns to the role of 007.
This time around though, instead of wearing a black dinner jacket, Bond wears a dapper cardigan and tartan slippers, and always turns on the charm to bed Bond girls 50 years younger than him whilst churning out the odd innuendo filled pun.
Bond girl *innocently*: “All this action must be tiring?”
Moore: “Well my dear, old age, dodgy hips and creaky knees are getting to be a bit of a drag”.
Bond girl *innocently again*: “But Mr. Bond, you’re so old, how do you keep it up?”
Moore: *looks at camera & arches eyebrow in typical Moore style*
The plot is your usual 007 fare; in a shock discovery, two of Bond’s arch nemeses, Blofeld and Oddjob, aren’t dead after all!
Together, they have taken the first and last portions of each name and formed an evil partnership known as…Blo….no…ahem…Oddfeld.
They have concocted a fiendish plot to steal all the worlds Country Vegetable Soup and Cream Crackers in an attempt to deprive all the OAP’s their favourite dinner, thus causing worldwide OAP riots and general grey haired chaos.
So, joined by racist ginger redneck Sheriff J.W. Pepper and the ghost of Q, the decrepit Bond must beat the soup and cracker stealing baddies, whilst battling against all the pitfalls of old age.
One of Q’s gadgets is a little sound amplifier hearing aid that fits neatly in 007’s ear, and another is a gadget laden mobility scooter, equipped with missiles, oils slicks, turbo boosts, shopping basket and a plastic rain cover.
Knowing the Bond series has previously had sports stars in major roles (well, actually tennis star Vijay Amritraj in Octopussy is the only one I can think of), eccentric Manchester United goalkeeper and Blofeld look-alike Fabien Barthez plays Blofeld, and giant Kiwi rugby player Jonah Lomu plays the deadly Oddjob.
Steve Guttenberg is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Man With The Golden Neck”:
The world’s gold is mysteriously disappearing! We know that strangely accented Auric Goldfinger isn’t behind the fiendish plot as the gold-loving fat guy was sucked out of an aeroplane many years ago. There’s only one other man with a love for gold this strong, Mr. T!
In an old disused subway station somewhere in New York, which doubles as the gold loving fiend’s secret underground lair, Mr. T plans to use a giant gold magnet to steal all worlds gold for himself to make many items of jewellery. He’s ably assisted in this scheme by his little midget henchman brother ‘Little Arnold’ (Gary Coleman). As well as being a crazy gold-hungry villain, Mr. T also has a personal vendetta against Bond as he blames the suave spy for stunting his brother’s growth from all the second hand cigar/cigarette smoke he’s pumped out over the years.
Steve Guttenberg (a man often tipped to be 007 in the past) is a wisecracking James Bond, his ever-present sidekick Michael Winslow plays New York cop Larvell Jones and makes his usual assortment of funny noises. Together they must thwart Mr. T before he nabs all the gold, and have lots of comedy capers.
Dale Winton is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “The Guy Who Loved Me”:
With the world’s love of the “camp” celebrities nowadays, Bond keeps up with the trends of the era by turning from a womanising spy into a man-eating spy. There’s only one camp man tough enough for the job: Dale Winton.
Having been a successful, good-looking spy for a number of years now, James Bond has got himself a rival in the shape of CIA agent Graham Norton.
There’s a power-hungry megalomaniac (played by Michael Barrymore) who wants to rule the world helped out by his army of sailors. Bond must take care of the baddie, and to do the mission, he has to team up with Norton to save the day. And guess what, from being rivals, they become lovers.
There’s usually the odd smutty innuendo in 007 movies, but this time it’s even more apparent, and the movie is more like ‘Carry on Spying’ than a regular Bond movie, with lines like “Is that a shotgun in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?”, and Graham Norton frequently talking innuendoes using the word “Bangkok”.
Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, Stephen Gately and Will Young combine to sing the theme tune.
C. Thomas Howell is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “From Baghdad With Love”:
Back in the mid-80’s, when Roger Moore was getting on a bit, C. Thomas Howell, thought to have disappeared off the face of the earth but was actually in the realm of the TV movie, was set to be 007, but alas, he never was.
But now, after spending lots of time in the waste paper bin, due to recent events in the Gulf, the script has been changed from Bond’s 80’s escapades in the Falklands to a current story and C. Thomas is back!
Yes, 007 is the man whose mission it is to kick Saddam’s tyrannical butt in this overly patriotic propaganda. Bond sneaks into Baghdad, takes down an army of elite Iraqi soldiers, beds a few mysterious women and then defeats Saddam in a thrilling finale.
Keeping the original intended 80’s stars; Brian Dennehy is now Saddam Hussein and Rutger Hauer is his psychotic bodyguard henchman doppelganger, Abdul Hussein.
Corey Feldman and Molly Ringwald also make an appearance as a couple of tearaway teens who somehow get mixed up in the events.
80’s singer Fergal Sharkey will do the opening theme.
Burt Reynolds is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Thunderball Run”:
A valuable piece of satellite equipment has crash-landed somewhere in the American outback. In order to save the world, a moustachioed 007 (Burt Reynolds) goes in a madcap crazy cross-country race to recover the important device, ably assisted by his glamorous assistant (Dom DeLuise).
Bond is not alone in his quest though, he’s up against the Russians, CIA, FBI, Chinese, Iraqis, North Koreans, Japanese, Syrians and Lebanese, each have their own crazy cars and gadgets, and they’re all striving to reach the satellite first.
Roger Moore makes a guest appearance as himself/Seymour Goldfarb, and despite being from Hong Kong, Jackie Chan is back as the Japanese kung-fu master Subaru driver.
Rik Waller is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “Live & Let Pie”, “The Pie Who Loved Me”, “GoldenPie”, “For Your Pies Only”, “Tomorrow Never Pies”, “Pie Another Day” or “Diet Another Day” *name to be confirmed
As the western world becomes larger around the waist thanks to fast food abuse, there is increasing demand to make 007 “chunkier” also. Larger-than-life Rik Waller squeezes his huge body into the 007 tuxedo, eats lots of pies and even sings the theme tune.
The film is about Bond’s struggle to overcome his biggest nemesis yet: a terrible weight problem that’s blighting his spying career.
Q’s gadgets to help Bond fight the flab include a gadget-laden treadmill, a gadget-laden rowing machine and liposuction. Will Bond beat his problems and end up fighting fit, or will he end up bursting like Mr Creosote?
CG is Ian Fleming’s 007 in “CPU Only Live Twice” or “OctoPC”
The way the movies are going, with special effects ruling over everything and a lack of charismatic actors, it’s only a matter of time before we see a completely computer generated James Bond.
Using different parts of each James Bond actor, computer designers have created the perfect CG Bond. A novel feature is that you can actually choose which former bond actor dubs the CG character when you go to the cinema.
All these ideas are being considered, and could hit cinema screens soon…