After 16months of patiently waiting, George W Bush reluctantly agreed to “bomb those rag heads back to the stone age” in an effort to “show them who’s the daddy”.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave a statement last night to an eager press-pack to shed some light on the current course of events.
”Bush has such hard-on for Saddam right now it’s not funny. Seriously, he keeps crouching on his cabin-bed wearing a leather flying helmet hissing something about Oedipus.”
Rumsfeld denies Oedipus is an all-new defense system, “Not at all. To be honest, there isn’t a country that poses a significant threat to us anymore. I mean, there was Al Queda but we smashed them good”
However, reporters pointed out that the US had actually done nothing in their fight against Al Queda whatsoever.
Rumsfeld’s reply was somewhat hostile, “Look, you can’t just go into a 3rd world country with no realistic infrastructure and catch these guys. You have to repeatedly bomb them from thousands of miles away to destroy their network. Is it our fault if they hid in caves eh? What kind of fairy hides in mountains? I mean c’mon people, we are not dealing with a traditional enemy here. New tactics are required”
When questioned about these new tactics, Rumsfeld explained. “Well, we bombed them. Then we came home and flicked through an old ‘These are now our enemies’ annual from 1991 and who do we see? Good ol’ Saddam Hussein. I tell you, he’s gonna rue the day he ever launched a terrorist attack against The United States”.
Reporters pointed out that, in fact, Hussein had never actually committed terrorist activities.
“Ah but what about the massacre of his own people?” sneered Rumsfeld, “That proves he’s a villain. Possibly a super-villain. With a lair.”
“True” admitted a reported from The Daily Blah “But what about the massacre of Native Americans for their land then?”
“That’s different. We gave them firewater and some beads. Besides, that was a long time ago. Saddam Hussein keeps his people under brutal rule”
“When did blacks get the right to vote in America?” asked an impertinent soul from The Moral Tribune
“The 1960’s wasn’t it? And what about the Kent State massacre where armed police shot dead 7 students and tear gassed over 200 for a peaceful sit-in of the ROTC building? Or Attica? Or the regular complaints against the NYPD for shooting, beating and robbery of black civilians?”
Rumsfeld dismissed these treasonous comments, “Look. Thousands of people died on Sept 11th and to not seek an end to the people that did such a thing is disgraceful behavior. You are almost as bad as they are if you wish to see the perpetrators of such heinous crimes go unpunished”
It was pointed out, at this point, that simple diversionary tactics and guilt-by-association was stupid and infantile behavior as Hussein had nothing to do with the WTC attack.
“It was Bin Laden” yelled one reporter “And you couldn’t be bothered to find him. Instead you are going for easy-targets and using the umbrella of Sept 11th to justify questionable military action”
“Balls” Rumsfeld replied, “He’s an evil man with weapons of mass destruction and he looks shifty. He has eyes like a goat”
“What about Korea?” was a question from a Liberal Commie
“Who cares? Hussein is responsible for all the evil in the world today and must be stopped. He trained, supplied and armed Al Queda. We have no proof and the UN Inspectors found no weapons, but we just know it.”
When questioned as to why, immediately after Sept 11th, the FBI & CIA traced the terrorists through Germany where they attended University, the US where they had flight training and the UK where they obtained the necessary electronics training – did they not announce any links to Iraq? Why wait for over a year before pointing the finger at Iraq?
Rumsfeld promptly left the press-conference, slamming the door behind him and refusing to come out until “everyone has gone home”
President Bush then took the podium and gave a speech:
“Ladies & Gentlemen, I understand your concerns and let me try to explain and negate your fears. Yes, Operation Enduring Freedom is still ongoing. But the goalposts have moved. We are no longer interested in breaking Al Queda’s terror network. No, instead of seeking justice for the worst terrorist atrocity committed on US soil, we are going to prevent Saddam Hussein from using his weapons of mass destruction. Now I know some of you pinkie commies are saying this is a war for oil. This is not the case. This is simply protecting ourselves from future attacks by randomly hitting anybody we don’t like. I know I promised Bin Laden would be brought to justice. And yes, I know I said that any country harbouring Al Queda terrorists would also be considered our enemies. But extensive intelligence proved that these countries are…well…us. And England. And Germany. Oh, and North Korea but they have nukes so we’ll be leaving those guys well alone. Now, any questions?”
“Mr President, is is true that Saddam Hussein was helped, funded and trained by the USA and installed in Iraq as an alternative to a hardline Muslim government that you would have no control over?”
“Bob, that question is irrelevant and now I must bomb your house”
“Mr President, people are saying that you are using Iraq as an excuse to ramp up public fear of terrorist attacks and making it easier to swallow the Homelands Security Bill”
“Now Chuck, that’s tittle tattle. And some Blackhawk choppers gonna be paying you a visit boy”
“Mr President, most of the entire free world are concerned that their future is being decided by a half-wit monkey that can barely eat a pretzel without killing himself”
“Ha ha. Be assured that as soon as we’ve removed evil tyrant Hussein, I’ll be laying the smackdown on pretzel companies that are proved to have links to the terrorist snack-attack on me last year. I can promise you, they’ll get theirs too. Now, one last question before I have to go and ask daddy what he wants next”
“Mr President, what do you say to claims that your presidency was funded by the same Texan Oil Barons that helped your father run and were instrumental in key CIA actions in countries that conflict with their own oil business connections? Is this not democracy being a mere façade for multi-billion dollar conglomerates that your brother Jed is on the board of directors for several of?”
“No comment. And now your entire history has been erased and you never existed. God Bless Amerikkka and remember, just because I look like a fundamentally warmongering tool of the CIA and big-business? I’m still your leader. Even though my election victory is widely considered to be a sham based on the Florida debacle. Sleep well one and all”
When contacted for a response, Saddam Husssein offered the following brief statement:
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…America has already agreed I will not be killed, just like last time. They generate billions of $ in defence contracts, I lose a few mosques and that’s about it. Really, you actually think for one moment this isn’t a pantomime being played for the benefit of profit? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
> Nah, loads of people have recommended it to me though. Worth reading?
> I'm still trying to wade through a collection of essays concerning
> Sept 11th by Chomsky.
Sorry I haven't replied sooner, been moving back to uni etc.
The book is good. Interesting, and scary in a kind of "Oh my good I so hope that isn't true" type way.
Not as funny as I thought it would be.
Worth reading though.
> Blank wrote:
> I wouldn't expect this kind of thing of from you Goaty, but good
> Anyone else hear that Korea aren't developing nuclear weapons
> I think they announced it today or yesterday. Or maybe it was a
> Anyone back me up?
> You dreamt it :O)
I didn't! They actually DID announce that they weren't developing nuclear weapons, although at the same time left the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, which makes it kinda dubious.
I'm just wondering about all the insider trading allegations and convictions that seem to be a pre-requisit to be an american politician these days...
Oh hang on, does that movie, Signs, count?
So at what point in history did Iran stop being the enemy, and Iraq start?
Seemed to be Reagan didn't like Iran, then along cam eBush who started on Iraq when they invaded Kuwait.
Did Iran and Iraq quit their petty squabble*?
*Soming complete lack of awareness, but things are real hard at thee moment, I'm struggling badly. I'm sorry.