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Welcome to ITV1’s new series of “I’m A Footballer, Get Me Out Of Here!”
Contestants include David James, Jermaine Defoe, the boss Glenn Roeder and Joe Cole.
The object of the game is to survive the longest!
DAY ONE – MORNING
James: Hey boss.
Roeder: Oh hi David. What can I do you for?
James: What?
Roeder: Never mind.
James: Look boss, I wanna ask you something! Will you give me a straight answer?
Roeder: Sure, that’s what I’m here for.
James: Boss; how would you rate my performance so far this season?
* * Long pause * *
Roeder: Erm, fine. Just keep playing as good as you are and you’ll be up there with the big boys!
James: * Grins * Thanks boss.
Roeder: Now David, I’d appreciate it if you could turn up to the unveiling of my new top class defender and my errr, new midfielder!
James: Sure boss, it would be an honour. Who are these new players then?
Roeder: I don’t want to spoil it for the fans, so you’ll have to wait and see.
James: Okay boss.
DAY ONE – AFTERNOON
Roeder: And that is why I am proudly introducing my new players! Both of them are successful internationals. Fans… * pulls off sheet which is covering the new signings * …the two newest West Ham United players are PHIL NEVILLE and LUKE CHADWICK!
Fan: ARGH! PUT THE COVER BACK ON, HE’S UGLY!
Roeder: See Luke, I told you they would like you.
Chadwick: Yeah, thanks boss. I’m gunna have the time of my life here.
Neville: I totally back up Luke there. I can really see myself boosting my England International career here!
Roeder: That’s what I like to here, team spirit. Now David will show you where the changing rooms are. Oh, and don’t forget, tomorrow morning is training, so be up bright and early.
James: Yes boss, I’ll show them.
Chadwick: Boss, at United, we had a training ground. Where do we train here?
Roeder: It depends on how many fans we get turn up to watch us train. If there is a lot of fans come here, we’ll train on the away car park. We’re lucky today though, as there aren’t many fans, so we can train on the home car park. Now if you have any more questions, I’m sure David will be more then happy to answer them.
* Glenn Roeder walks off *
James: We’re always lucky.
Neville: What, so you ALWAYS train in the car park?
James: Yeah, except for when we revealed Paulo Di Canio to the fans as our new signing.
Chadwick: Can we meet Paulo please?
James: Yeah, be careful though, he hasn’t been fed for a week now.
* David, Luke and Phil head for the changing rooms *
DAY ONE – EVENING
James: This is it, the home changing rooms.
Luke: David…why are they in cages?
Cole: So that they can’t escape. * Holds out hand * Joe Cole, England Under 21.
Neville: Hi, I’m Phil Neville, top England defender! This is Luke Chadwick.
Cole: Why has Luke got a brown paper bag over his head?
Chadwick: Oh, that’s for, erm, that’s erm…to keep me warm! Yeah.
Cole: * Points * See him in cage number 23?
Neville: Yeah…what about him?
Cole: That’s number 239102, better known as Jermaine Defoe!
Chadwick: Wow, you get given your own six-digit number! He looks mean.
* Defoe growls at Luke Chadwick *
James: And there he is…the man you guys wanted to see!
Neville: Di Canio? WHERE?
James: No, not Di Canio, Steve Lomas.
Chadwick: Steve who?
Lomas: * In funny accent * Hay, am Steve Lomarse, and am thee midfielder who scores thee goals.
Neville: Oooo, look at that beard, a man not to be messed with, no?
Lomas: You’re spot on ma friend.
Neville: So, how many goals have you got this season?
Lomas: One. That’s what ah mean when ah say that I’m thee one who scores thee goals.
Chadwick: David, where do we sleep?
James: Luke, you’re cell number 16 and Phil, you’re cell number 25, which is in between Stevey and me!
DAY TWO – MORNING
James: Wakey wakey rise and shine!
Chadwick: * Takes off sleeping mask * Oh, hi David.
James: Erm… * rushes to get paper bag *
Neville: Oh aye, it’s training this morning, no?
Cole: Morning folks. Ready for TT?
Chadwick: TT? Erm…what’s that?
James: Tuesday Training. It’s what the boss likes to call it.
Neville: Oh, in Manchester, it’s called “Get your ******* **** out there now” training.
Roeder: Security; release the hounds!
Security: Boss, I don’t quite understand wh…
Roeder: LET THE PLAYERS OUT OF THEIR CAGES!
Security: Oh, okay boss. Sorry boss. Didn’t mean it boss.
Roeder: Well, if you didn’t mean it then I suppose that’s okay.
* In walks Chairman Terence Brown ringing a bell *
Brown: C’mon guys, training now. Oh, and Glenn, can I talk to you after training.
Roeder: Yes boss.
DAY TWO – AFTERNOON
Roeder: Phillip, can I just say that you played outstandingly well out there today. Not only did you play well at the back, but you also won the game of Wallsie!
Chadwick: Boss, I’m Luke Chadwick, and I play in midfield…
Roeder: I know…anyway, I’m off to see Terence.
* Glenn walks into Mr. Brown’s office (without knocking). Brown is playing golf *
Roeder: Hey boss…you wanted to talk to me.
Brown: Yes. Glenn, take a seat. Now, you’re 47 years old, and have never really kicked off a decent career. You’ve been here as manager for two and a half years, and well; we haven’t really kicked off this season.
Roeder: So basically, what you’re trying to say to me is that my time at Upton Park is finished?
Brown: No…what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re an amazing manager and we would like to negotiate a new contract with you keeping you here until June 2007! That will include a pay rise.
Roeder: Wow! Thanks boss. I didn’t realise how well I was doing here.
Brown: Now go get the team geared up for tomorrows clash with Newcastle.
Roeder: Ah damn, that’s away isn’t it? That will mean I have to get the players wives to drive them there by car. Ho hum.
Brown: Keep your head up son, I love ya, the fans love ya and the players love ya. You’re doing a fabulous job here, and I look forward to another four years with you as manager. That will be all. Close the door on the way out please.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY MORNING
Neville: * Whispers * David! Wake up.
James: Phil, please, it’s 4am! Today is my day to shine!
Neville: But David, Luke and me can’t make it to the game today.
James: Bah. Why not?
Neville: Because we’re single.
James: How the heck can Luke Chadwick be single? That brown bag is enough to pull any fit chick.
Neville: Look, how am I gunna get to the game?
James: Don’t fret, I’ll find you two a lift.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERNOON
* Long silent pause *
Chadwick: Do…Mrs. Defoe…how are you…today?
(J) Defoe: * snarls * You don’t talk to my wife like that man.
Neville: Oh, sorry Mrs. Defoe.
Defoe: I’m warning you man.
-MEANWHILE-
Roeder: …And then he told me that I was getting a new contract, and a pay rise!
Mrs. Roeder: Oh, I’m so proud of you honey. Now since we’re an hour early, pull over and give yer laydee (yes, that says lady) some lovin’!
Roeder: * Frowns *
-IN THE BROWN’S CAR-
Brown: ...And then I tell the halfwit that he has a pay rise and a new contract. Little did he know that there is a massive clause in his contract! He’ll be cleaning the loos anytime soon.
Mrs. Brown: Darling, you’re the greatest! I just hope that it is all worthwhile.
Brown: Oh it will be lovely, it will be!
DAY THREE – THE MATCH
* 89 minutes have gone, and the score is 1-1. Jermaine Defoe is believed to have booted the ball towards Luke Chadwick, only to miss-kick it and score for the Hammers. Minutes later, Shearer passed the ball back to David James after West Ham kicked the ball out for a Newcastle injury. Little did we know that the ball was going so fast that it went through the legs of James, and crawled, yes CRAWLED across the line. Phil Neville is on the ball now, running it up and down the wing *
James: Philly, pass the ball and make a run!
* Phil Neville lays the ball back for David James *
Fan: DAVID FOR ENGLAND.
* James turns around to face the fan. The ball bobbles into the back of the net. Newcastle United 2-1 West Ham United *
Referee: * Puts whistle into mouth and blows for full time *
Speaker: * Bing Bong! * Man of the Match goes to DAVID JAMES!
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERMATH
Sky Sports Bloke: So, we’re here with Jermaine Defoe and man of the match David James.
James: WOW! Thanks everyone. It’s a real honour to be YOUR man of the match!
SSB: Jermaine, if you’d like to present David with his FA Barclaycard Premiership Man of the Match award.
Defoe: No! I’M A FOOTBALLER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
* * * *** * * *
Hope you enjoyed it. I kinda ran out of ideas, which ruined it a bit. Thanks for reading it, if you did.
DW
Contestants include David James, Jermaine Defoe, the boss Glenn Roeder and Joe Cole.
The object of the game is to survive the longest!
DAY ONE – MORNING
James: Hey boss.
Roeder: Oh hi David. What can I do you for?
James: What?
Roeder: Never mind.
James: Look boss, I wanna ask you something! Will you give me a straight answer?
Roeder: Sure, that’s what I’m here for.
James: Boss; how would you rate my performance so far this season?
* * Long pause * *
Roeder: Erm, fine. Just keep playing as good as you are and you’ll be up there with the big boys!
James: * Grins * Thanks boss.
Roeder: Now David, I’d appreciate it if you could turn up to the unveiling of my new top class defender and my errr, new midfielder!
James: Sure boss, it would be an honour. Who are these new players then?
Roeder: I don’t want to spoil it for the fans, so you’ll have to wait and see.
James: Okay boss.
DAY ONE – AFTERNOON
Roeder: And that is why I am proudly introducing my new players! Both of them are successful internationals. Fans… * pulls off sheet which is covering the new signings * …the two newest West Ham United players are PHIL NEVILLE and LUKE CHADWICK!
Fan: ARGH! PUT THE COVER BACK ON, HE’S UGLY!
Roeder: See Luke, I told you they would like you.
Chadwick: Yeah, thanks boss. I’m gunna have the time of my life here.
Neville: I totally back up Luke there. I can really see myself boosting my England International career here!
Roeder: That’s what I like to here, team spirit. Now David will show you where the changing rooms are. Oh, and don’t forget, tomorrow morning is training, so be up bright and early.
James: Yes boss, I’ll show them.
Chadwick: Boss, at United, we had a training ground. Where do we train here?
Roeder: It depends on how many fans we get turn up to watch us train. If there is a lot of fans come here, we’ll train on the away car park. We’re lucky today though, as there aren’t many fans, so we can train on the home car park. Now if you have any more questions, I’m sure David will be more then happy to answer them.
* Glenn Roeder walks off *
James: We’re always lucky.
Neville: What, so you ALWAYS train in the car park?
James: Yeah, except for when we revealed Paulo Di Canio to the fans as our new signing.
Chadwick: Can we meet Paulo please?
James: Yeah, be careful though, he hasn’t been fed for a week now.
* David, Luke and Phil head for the changing rooms *
DAY ONE – EVENING
James: This is it, the home changing rooms.
Luke: David…why are they in cages?
Cole: So that they can’t escape. * Holds out hand * Joe Cole, England Under 21.
Neville: Hi, I’m Phil Neville, top England defender! This is Luke Chadwick.
Cole: Why has Luke got a brown paper bag over his head?
Chadwick: Oh, that’s for, erm, that’s erm…to keep me warm! Yeah.
Cole: * Points * See him in cage number 23?
Neville: Yeah…what about him?
Cole: That’s number 239102, better known as Jermaine Defoe!
Chadwick: Wow, you get given your own six-digit number! He looks mean.
* Defoe growls at Luke Chadwick *
James: And there he is…the man you guys wanted to see!
Neville: Di Canio? WHERE?
James: No, not Di Canio, Steve Lomas.
Chadwick: Steve who?
Lomas: * In funny accent * Hay, am Steve Lomarse, and am thee midfielder who scores thee goals.
Neville: Oooo, look at that beard, a man not to be messed with, no?
Lomas: You’re spot on ma friend.
Neville: So, how many goals have you got this season?
Lomas: One. That’s what ah mean when ah say that I’m thee one who scores thee goals.
Chadwick: David, where do we sleep?
James: Luke, you’re cell number 16 and Phil, you’re cell number 25, which is in between Stevey and me!
DAY TWO – MORNING
James: Wakey wakey rise and shine!
Chadwick: * Takes off sleeping mask * Oh, hi David.
James: Erm… * rushes to get paper bag *
Neville: Oh aye, it’s training this morning, no?
Cole: Morning folks. Ready for TT?
Chadwick: TT? Erm…what’s that?
James: Tuesday Training. It’s what the boss likes to call it.
Neville: Oh, in Manchester, it’s called “Get your ******* **** out there now” training.
Roeder: Security; release the hounds!
Security: Boss, I don’t quite understand wh…
Roeder: LET THE PLAYERS OUT OF THEIR CAGES!
Security: Oh, okay boss. Sorry boss. Didn’t mean it boss.
Roeder: Well, if you didn’t mean it then I suppose that’s okay.
* In walks Chairman Terence Brown ringing a bell *
Brown: C’mon guys, training now. Oh, and Glenn, can I talk to you after training.
Roeder: Yes boss.
DAY TWO – AFTERNOON
Roeder: Phillip, can I just say that you played outstandingly well out there today. Not only did you play well at the back, but you also won the game of Wallsie!
Chadwick: Boss, I’m Luke Chadwick, and I play in midfield…
Roeder: I know…anyway, I’m off to see Terence.
* Glenn walks into Mr. Brown’s office (without knocking). Brown is playing golf *
Roeder: Hey boss…you wanted to talk to me.
Brown: Yes. Glenn, take a seat. Now, you’re 47 years old, and have never really kicked off a decent career. You’ve been here as manager for two and a half years, and well; we haven’t really kicked off this season.
Roeder: So basically, what you’re trying to say to me is that my time at Upton Park is finished?
Brown: No…what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re an amazing manager and we would like to negotiate a new contract with you keeping you here until June 2007! That will include a pay rise.
Roeder: Wow! Thanks boss. I didn’t realise how well I was doing here.
Brown: Now go get the team geared up for tomorrows clash with Newcastle.
Roeder: Ah damn, that’s away isn’t it? That will mean I have to get the players wives to drive them there by car. Ho hum.
Brown: Keep your head up son, I love ya, the fans love ya and the players love ya. You’re doing a fabulous job here, and I look forward to another four years with you as manager. That will be all. Close the door on the way out please.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY MORNING
Neville: * Whispers * David! Wake up.
James: Phil, please, it’s 4am! Today is my day to shine!
Neville: But David, Luke and me can’t make it to the game today.
James: Bah. Why not?
Neville: Because we’re single.
James: How the heck can Luke Chadwick be single? That brown bag is enough to pull any fit chick.
Neville: Look, how am I gunna get to the game?
James: Don’t fret, I’ll find you two a lift.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERNOON
* Long silent pause *
Chadwick: Do…Mrs. Defoe…how are you…today?
(J) Defoe: * snarls * You don’t talk to my wife like that man.
Neville: Oh, sorry Mrs. Defoe.
Defoe: I’m warning you man.
-MEANWHILE-
Roeder: …And then he told me that I was getting a new contract, and a pay rise!
Mrs. Roeder: Oh, I’m so proud of you honey. Now since we’re an hour early, pull over and give yer laydee (yes, that says lady) some lovin’!
Roeder: * Frowns *
-IN THE BROWN’S CAR-
Brown: ...And then I tell the halfwit that he has a pay rise and a new contract. Little did he know that there is a massive clause in his contract! He’ll be cleaning the loos anytime soon.
Mrs. Brown: Darling, you’re the greatest! I just hope that it is all worthwhile.
Brown: Oh it will be lovely, it will be!
DAY THREE – THE MATCH
* 89 minutes have gone, and the score is 1-1. Jermaine Defoe is believed to have booted the ball towards Luke Chadwick, only to miss-kick it and score for the Hammers. Minutes later, Shearer passed the ball back to David James after West Ham kicked the ball out for a Newcastle injury. Little did we know that the ball was going so fast that it went through the legs of James, and crawled, yes CRAWLED across the line. Phil Neville is on the ball now, running it up and down the wing *
James: Philly, pass the ball and make a run!
* Phil Neville lays the ball back for David James *
Fan: DAVID FOR ENGLAND.
* James turns around to face the fan. The ball bobbles into the back of the net. Newcastle United 2-1 West Ham United *
Referee: * Puts whistle into mouth and blows for full time *
Speaker: * Bing Bong! * Man of the Match goes to DAVID JAMES!
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERMATH
Sky Sports Bloke: So, we’re here with Jermaine Defoe and man of the match David James.
James: WOW! Thanks everyone. It’s a real honour to be YOUR man of the match!
SSB: Jermaine, if you’d like to present David with his FA Barclaycard Premiership Man of the Match award.
Defoe: No! I’M A FOOTBALLER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
* * * *** * * *
Hope you enjoyed it. I kinda ran out of ideas, which ruined it a bit. Thanks for reading it, if you did.
DW
Page:
Welcome to ITV1’s new series of “I’m A Footballer, Get Me Out Of Here!”
Contestants include David James, Jermaine Defoe, the boss Glenn Roeder and Joe Cole.
The object of the game is to survive the longest!
DAY ONE – MORNING
James: Hey boss.
Roeder: Oh hi David. What can I do you for?
James: What?
Roeder: Never mind.
James: Look boss, I wanna ask you something! Will you give me a straight answer?
Roeder: Sure, that’s what I’m here for.
James: Boss; how would you rate my performance so far this season?
* * Long pause * *
Roeder: Erm, fine. Just keep playing as good as you are and you’ll be up there with the big boys!
James: * Grins * Thanks boss.
Roeder: Now David, I’d appreciate it if you could turn up to the unveiling of my new top class defender and my errr, new midfielder!
James: Sure boss, it would be an honour. Who are these new players then?
Roeder: I don’t want to spoil it for the fans, so you’ll have to wait and see.
James: Okay boss.
DAY ONE – AFTERNOON
Roeder: And that is why I am proudly introducing my new players! Both of them are successful internationals. Fans… * pulls off sheet which is covering the new signings * …the two newest West Ham United players are PHIL NEVILLE and LUKE CHADWICK!
Fan: ARGH! PUT THE COVER BACK ON, HE’S UGLY!
Roeder: See Luke, I told you they would like you.
Chadwick: Yeah, thanks boss. I’m gunna have the time of my life here.
Neville: I totally back up Luke there. I can really see myself boosting my England International career here!
Roeder: That’s what I like to here, team spirit. Now David will show you where the changing rooms are. Oh, and don’t forget, tomorrow morning is training, so be up bright and early.
James: Yes boss, I’ll show them.
Chadwick: Boss, at United, we had a training ground. Where do we train here?
Roeder: It depends on how many fans we get turn up to watch us train. If there is a lot of fans come here, we’ll train on the away car park. We’re lucky today though, as there aren’t many fans, so we can train on the home car park. Now if you have any more questions, I’m sure David will be more then happy to answer them.
* Glenn Roeder walks off *
James: We’re always lucky.
Neville: What, so you ALWAYS train in the car park?
James: Yeah, except for when we revealed Paulo Di Canio to the fans as our new signing.
Chadwick: Can we meet Paulo please?
James: Yeah, be careful though, he hasn’t been fed for a week now.
* David, Luke and Phil head for the changing rooms *
DAY ONE – EVENING
James: This is it, the home changing rooms.
Luke: David…why are they in cages?
Cole: So that they can’t escape. * Holds out hand * Joe Cole, England Under 21.
Neville: Hi, I’m Phil Neville, top England defender! This is Luke Chadwick.
Cole: Why has Luke got a brown paper bag over his head?
Chadwick: Oh, that’s for, erm, that’s erm…to keep me warm! Yeah.
Cole: * Points * See him in cage number 23?
Neville: Yeah…what about him?
Cole: That’s number 239102, better known as Jermaine Defoe!
Chadwick: Wow, you get given your own six-digit number! He looks mean.
* Defoe growls at Luke Chadwick *
James: And there he is…the man you guys wanted to see!
Neville: Di Canio? WHERE?
James: No, not Di Canio, Steve Lomas.
Chadwick: Steve who?
Lomas: * In funny accent * Hay, am Steve Lomarse, and am thee midfielder who scores thee goals.
Neville: Oooo, look at that beard, a man not to be messed with, no?
Lomas: You’re spot on ma friend.
Neville: So, how many goals have you got this season?
Lomas: One. That’s what ah mean when ah say that I’m thee one who scores thee goals.
Chadwick: David, where do we sleep?
James: Luke, you’re cell number 16 and Phil, you’re cell number 25, which is in between Stevey and me!
DAY TWO – MORNING
James: Wakey wakey rise and shine!
Chadwick: * Takes off sleeping mask * Oh, hi David.
James: Erm… * rushes to get paper bag *
Neville: Oh aye, it’s training this morning, no?
Cole: Morning folks. Ready for TT?
Chadwick: TT? Erm…what’s that?
James: Tuesday Training. It’s what the boss likes to call it.
Neville: Oh, in Manchester, it’s called “Get your ******* **** out there now” training.
Roeder: Security; release the hounds!
Security: Boss, I don’t quite understand wh…
Roeder: LET THE PLAYERS OUT OF THEIR CAGES!
Security: Oh, okay boss. Sorry boss. Didn’t mean it boss.
Roeder: Well, if you didn’t mean it then I suppose that’s okay.
* In walks Chairman Terence Brown ringing a bell *
Brown: C’mon guys, training now. Oh, and Glenn, can I talk to you after training.
Roeder: Yes boss.
DAY TWO – AFTERNOON
Roeder: Phillip, can I just say that you played outstandingly well out there today. Not only did you play well at the back, but you also won the game of Wallsie!
Chadwick: Boss, I’m Luke Chadwick, and I play in midfield…
Roeder: I know…anyway, I’m off to see Terence.
* Glenn walks into Mr. Brown’s office (without knocking). Brown is playing golf *
Roeder: Hey boss…you wanted to talk to me.
Brown: Yes. Glenn, take a seat. Now, you’re 47 years old, and have never really kicked off a decent career. You’ve been here as manager for two and a half years, and well; we haven’t really kicked off this season.
Roeder: So basically, what you’re trying to say to me is that my time at Upton Park is finished?
Brown: No…what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re an amazing manager and we would like to negotiate a new contract with you keeping you here until June 2007! That will include a pay rise.
Roeder: Wow! Thanks boss. I didn’t realise how well I was doing here.
Brown: Now go get the team geared up for tomorrows clash with Newcastle.
Roeder: Ah damn, that’s away isn’t it? That will mean I have to get the players wives to drive them there by car. Ho hum.
Brown: Keep your head up son, I love ya, the fans love ya and the players love ya. You’re doing a fabulous job here, and I look forward to another four years with you as manager. That will be all. Close the door on the way out please.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY MORNING
Neville: * Whispers * David! Wake up.
James: Phil, please, it’s 4am! Today is my day to shine!
Neville: But David, Luke and me can’t make it to the game today.
James: Bah. Why not?
Neville: Because we’re single.
James: How the heck can Luke Chadwick be single? That brown bag is enough to pull any fit chick.
Neville: Look, how am I gunna get to the game?
James: Don’t fret, I’ll find you two a lift.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERNOON
* Long silent pause *
Chadwick: Do…Mrs. Defoe…how are you…today?
(J) Defoe: * snarls * You don’t talk to my wife like that man.
Neville: Oh, sorry Mrs. Defoe.
Defoe: I’m warning you man.
-MEANWHILE-
Roeder: …And then he told me that I was getting a new contract, and a pay rise!
Mrs. Roeder: Oh, I’m so proud of you honey. Now since we’re an hour early, pull over and give yer laydee (yes, that says lady) some lovin’!
Roeder: * Frowns *
-IN THE BROWN’S CAR-
Brown: ...And then I tell the halfwit that he has a pay rise and a new contract. Little did he know that there is a massive clause in his contract! He’ll be cleaning the loos anytime soon.
Mrs. Brown: Darling, you’re the greatest! I just hope that it is all worthwhile.
Brown: Oh it will be lovely, it will be!
DAY THREE – THE MATCH
* 89 minutes have gone, and the score is 1-1. Jermaine Defoe is believed to have booted the ball towards Luke Chadwick, only to miss-kick it and score for the Hammers. Minutes later, Shearer passed the ball back to David James after West Ham kicked the ball out for a Newcastle injury. Little did we know that the ball was going so fast that it went through the legs of James, and crawled, yes CRAWLED across the line. Phil Neville is on the ball now, running it up and down the wing *
James: Philly, pass the ball and make a run!
* Phil Neville lays the ball back for David James *
Fan: DAVID FOR ENGLAND.
* James turns around to face the fan. The ball bobbles into the back of the net. Newcastle United 2-1 West Ham United *
Referee: * Puts whistle into mouth and blows for full time *
Speaker: * Bing Bong! * Man of the Match goes to DAVID JAMES!
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERMATH
Sky Sports Bloke: So, we’re here with Jermaine Defoe and man of the match David James.
James: WOW! Thanks everyone. It’s a real honour to be YOUR man of the match!
SSB: Jermaine, if you’d like to present David with his FA Barclaycard Premiership Man of the Match award.
Defoe: No! I’M A FOOTBALLER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
* * * *** * * *
Hope you enjoyed it. I kinda ran out of ideas, which ruined it a bit. Thanks for reading it, if you did.
DW
Contestants include David James, Jermaine Defoe, the boss Glenn Roeder and Joe Cole.
The object of the game is to survive the longest!
DAY ONE – MORNING
James: Hey boss.
Roeder: Oh hi David. What can I do you for?
James: What?
Roeder: Never mind.
James: Look boss, I wanna ask you something! Will you give me a straight answer?
Roeder: Sure, that’s what I’m here for.
James: Boss; how would you rate my performance so far this season?
* * Long pause * *
Roeder: Erm, fine. Just keep playing as good as you are and you’ll be up there with the big boys!
James: * Grins * Thanks boss.
Roeder: Now David, I’d appreciate it if you could turn up to the unveiling of my new top class defender and my errr, new midfielder!
James: Sure boss, it would be an honour. Who are these new players then?
Roeder: I don’t want to spoil it for the fans, so you’ll have to wait and see.
James: Okay boss.
DAY ONE – AFTERNOON
Roeder: And that is why I am proudly introducing my new players! Both of them are successful internationals. Fans… * pulls off sheet which is covering the new signings * …the two newest West Ham United players are PHIL NEVILLE and LUKE CHADWICK!
Fan: ARGH! PUT THE COVER BACK ON, HE’S UGLY!
Roeder: See Luke, I told you they would like you.
Chadwick: Yeah, thanks boss. I’m gunna have the time of my life here.
Neville: I totally back up Luke there. I can really see myself boosting my England International career here!
Roeder: That’s what I like to here, team spirit. Now David will show you where the changing rooms are. Oh, and don’t forget, tomorrow morning is training, so be up bright and early.
James: Yes boss, I’ll show them.
Chadwick: Boss, at United, we had a training ground. Where do we train here?
Roeder: It depends on how many fans we get turn up to watch us train. If there is a lot of fans come here, we’ll train on the away car park. We’re lucky today though, as there aren’t many fans, so we can train on the home car park. Now if you have any more questions, I’m sure David will be more then happy to answer them.
* Glenn Roeder walks off *
James: We’re always lucky.
Neville: What, so you ALWAYS train in the car park?
James: Yeah, except for when we revealed Paulo Di Canio to the fans as our new signing.
Chadwick: Can we meet Paulo please?
James: Yeah, be careful though, he hasn’t been fed for a week now.
* David, Luke and Phil head for the changing rooms *
DAY ONE – EVENING
James: This is it, the home changing rooms.
Luke: David…why are they in cages?
Cole: So that they can’t escape. * Holds out hand * Joe Cole, England Under 21.
Neville: Hi, I’m Phil Neville, top England defender! This is Luke Chadwick.
Cole: Why has Luke got a brown paper bag over his head?
Chadwick: Oh, that’s for, erm, that’s erm…to keep me warm! Yeah.
Cole: * Points * See him in cage number 23?
Neville: Yeah…what about him?
Cole: That’s number 239102, better known as Jermaine Defoe!
Chadwick: Wow, you get given your own six-digit number! He looks mean.
* Defoe growls at Luke Chadwick *
James: And there he is…the man you guys wanted to see!
Neville: Di Canio? WHERE?
James: No, not Di Canio, Steve Lomas.
Chadwick: Steve who?
Lomas: * In funny accent * Hay, am Steve Lomarse, and am thee midfielder who scores thee goals.
Neville: Oooo, look at that beard, a man not to be messed with, no?
Lomas: You’re spot on ma friend.
Neville: So, how many goals have you got this season?
Lomas: One. That’s what ah mean when ah say that I’m thee one who scores thee goals.
Chadwick: David, where do we sleep?
James: Luke, you’re cell number 16 and Phil, you’re cell number 25, which is in between Stevey and me!
DAY TWO – MORNING
James: Wakey wakey rise and shine!
Chadwick: * Takes off sleeping mask * Oh, hi David.
James: Erm… * rushes to get paper bag *
Neville: Oh aye, it’s training this morning, no?
Cole: Morning folks. Ready for TT?
Chadwick: TT? Erm…what’s that?
James: Tuesday Training. It’s what the boss likes to call it.
Neville: Oh, in Manchester, it’s called “Get your ******* **** out there now” training.
Roeder: Security; release the hounds!
Security: Boss, I don’t quite understand wh…
Roeder: LET THE PLAYERS OUT OF THEIR CAGES!
Security: Oh, okay boss. Sorry boss. Didn’t mean it boss.
Roeder: Well, if you didn’t mean it then I suppose that’s okay.
* In walks Chairman Terence Brown ringing a bell *
Brown: C’mon guys, training now. Oh, and Glenn, can I talk to you after training.
Roeder: Yes boss.
DAY TWO – AFTERNOON
Roeder: Phillip, can I just say that you played outstandingly well out there today. Not only did you play well at the back, but you also won the game of Wallsie!
Chadwick: Boss, I’m Luke Chadwick, and I play in midfield…
Roeder: I know…anyway, I’m off to see Terence.
* Glenn walks into Mr. Brown’s office (without knocking). Brown is playing golf *
Roeder: Hey boss…you wanted to talk to me.
Brown: Yes. Glenn, take a seat. Now, you’re 47 years old, and have never really kicked off a decent career. You’ve been here as manager for two and a half years, and well; we haven’t really kicked off this season.
Roeder: So basically, what you’re trying to say to me is that my time at Upton Park is finished?
Brown: No…what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re an amazing manager and we would like to negotiate a new contract with you keeping you here until June 2007! That will include a pay rise.
Roeder: Wow! Thanks boss. I didn’t realise how well I was doing here.
Brown: Now go get the team geared up for tomorrows clash with Newcastle.
Roeder: Ah damn, that’s away isn’t it? That will mean I have to get the players wives to drive them there by car. Ho hum.
Brown: Keep your head up son, I love ya, the fans love ya and the players love ya. You’re doing a fabulous job here, and I look forward to another four years with you as manager. That will be all. Close the door on the way out please.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY MORNING
Neville: * Whispers * David! Wake up.
James: Phil, please, it’s 4am! Today is my day to shine!
Neville: But David, Luke and me can’t make it to the game today.
James: Bah. Why not?
Neville: Because we’re single.
James: How the heck can Luke Chadwick be single? That brown bag is enough to pull any fit chick.
Neville: Look, how am I gunna get to the game?
James: Don’t fret, I’ll find you two a lift.
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERNOON
* Long silent pause *
Chadwick: Do…Mrs. Defoe…how are you…today?
(J) Defoe: * snarls * You don’t talk to my wife like that man.
Neville: Oh, sorry Mrs. Defoe.
Defoe: I’m warning you man.
-MEANWHILE-
Roeder: …And then he told me that I was getting a new contract, and a pay rise!
Mrs. Roeder: Oh, I’m so proud of you honey. Now since we’re an hour early, pull over and give yer laydee (yes, that says lady) some lovin’!
Roeder: * Frowns *
-IN THE BROWN’S CAR-
Brown: ...And then I tell the halfwit that he has a pay rise and a new contract. Little did he know that there is a massive clause in his contract! He’ll be cleaning the loos anytime soon.
Mrs. Brown: Darling, you’re the greatest! I just hope that it is all worthwhile.
Brown: Oh it will be lovely, it will be!
DAY THREE – THE MATCH
* 89 minutes have gone, and the score is 1-1. Jermaine Defoe is believed to have booted the ball towards Luke Chadwick, only to miss-kick it and score for the Hammers. Minutes later, Shearer passed the ball back to David James after West Ham kicked the ball out for a Newcastle injury. Little did we know that the ball was going so fast that it went through the legs of James, and crawled, yes CRAWLED across the line. Phil Neville is on the ball now, running it up and down the wing *
James: Philly, pass the ball and make a run!
* Phil Neville lays the ball back for David James *
Fan: DAVID FOR ENGLAND.
* James turns around to face the fan. The ball bobbles into the back of the net. Newcastle United 2-1 West Ham United *
Referee: * Puts whistle into mouth and blows for full time *
Speaker: * Bing Bong! * Man of the Match goes to DAVID JAMES!
DAY THREE – MATCHDAY AFTERMATH
Sky Sports Bloke: So, we’re here with Jermaine Defoe and man of the match David James.
James: WOW! Thanks everyone. It’s a real honour to be YOUR man of the match!
SSB: Jermaine, if you’d like to present David with his FA Barclaycard Premiership Man of the Match award.
Defoe: No! I’M A FOOTBALLER, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
* * * *** * * *
Hope you enjoyed it. I kinda ran out of ideas, which ruined it a bit. Thanks for reading it, if you did.
DW
Heh, nice.
Why thank you Mr. Hercy!
Oooo damn, I can't sign out of this account now! :cD
What were you doing in it in the first place?
:-D
:-D
Well I figured out how to be on two accounts at one time, if you get my drift. Not bad if I do say so myself. :cd
Nice one.
A bit of a change for the forum.
:-D
A bit of a change for the forum.
:-D
Fanks mate :c)
Great post there DW. Liked the bit about Luke Chadwick and the brown bag and the ending was pretty good too.
:-D
:-D
Pop to the top with a mop.
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