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Blokey: Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher – made for your health, and bad for the economy. Hello there.
El: My name’s El, and beside me is Blokey. There are lots of things we don’t like: the sun, chocolate, bunny rabbits, newborn babies…but being so up with the current affairs as we are, we have decided to turn our attentions to that most ghastly of man’s inventions…Christmas.
Blokey: That’s right. If we could, we would steal Christmas, much like the fictional Grinch. Only without the wussy change of heart at the end…and hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll share my view.
El: Of course there are merits to Christmas that you don’t think you could do without. Presents, pudding, Bond films, no school…but Christmas is ultimately crippling Britain. As Blokey said, Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher, and we’ll explain why.
Blokey: Here we have a graph conclusively proving that Christmas is bad for the economy:
*Blokey unveils a whiteboard, with a graph on it. The y axis starts at the origin with ‘BAD’ and ends at the top with ‘GOOD’. The x axis is all the months of the year. The line goes straight along from January to November in between good and bad, but in December it nosedives*
El: Conclusive proof. And now, on to the health issue. Firstly, mental wellbeing. It is the time of supposed cheer and goodwill, yet this tearjerking story should remind you how horrible Christmas is. Now despite my distaste for Christmas, my popularity still overwhelms my bar humbuggery and people insist on sending me cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera. So as I sat in my room, sorting the cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I saw Blokey on the other side of the room. Now Blokey isn’t like me. With his hunched back, unkempt stubble and general awkwardness, he has no friends…and as he watched me sorting my cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a tear in those beady little eyes.
Blokey: Wha..? Beady eyes? Unkempt…awkward? Who do…
El: Christmas is terribly damaging, cruel even, for lonely people such as Blokey. But do not feel sorry for the bundle of wasted flesh that stands beside me, ladies and gentleman…for Christmas is damaging to popular people such as myself.
Blokey: Yes, quite. At any other time of the year, charades is quite rightly frowned upon. So why is it that when a few cousins from America visit it suddenly becomes socially acceptable to gesticulate frantically whilst trying so hard not to grab the breadknife and stab your relatives that it seems your head will explode, reducing the paper hat you got in the cracker to mere ash?
El: Do we really want a special day when Aunt Gladys can come round, and we can spend the afternoon repeating everything 12 times into her ‘good’ ear, and replacing her ‘special’ bag? Surely Christmas brings more grief and misery than it does joy and merriment?
Blokey: What other time of the year would it be considered normal for an ageing man with a big red coat on to invite dozens of young children everyday to come and sit on his lap? When would it be appropriate to have a song with the only lyrics being “oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, Mr Blobby” as the best selling single in the whole of the nation?
El: And those are just social problems. What about truly life-threatening ones? Surely for Father Christmas and his nine reindeers (of which eight have already been proved to be bullies) to reach all the houses around the world in one night they would have to go faster than any known sources of energy can take them…
Blokey: And as we all know, 86% of all known unknown sources of energy are harmful to humans. The only option would be to slaughter the reindeers and melt their bones down for glue so that they’re not a total waste. Father Christmas would be locked up for crimes against humanity.
El: Those of you RSPCA-types who object to this need look no further than most fridge freezers at this moment in time. Millions of turkeys, geese and other perfectly adorable animals are being prepared for consumption all in the name of Christmas; so instead of arguing over trivial, join us in arguing for something just, and true – a world without Christmas.
Blokey: Where would we put Christmas? What would become of all the trees, and baubles? Well, we’ve thought of it. To kill two birds with one stone, we would position the whole of Christmas, and all things associated with it in the foothills of Baghdad. This would mean that during the UN Weapons Inspectors’ stay in Iraq, they would at least have somewhere full of shiny objects and calendars filled with chocolate.
El: So please, in this wild time of Countdown grand finals, Grandpa giving you 50p and a tangerine and being forced to act out ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, remember this. Join the world of sour-faced pessimists. Feel no highs, nor any lows. Do it for the Queen…and support the Group of Anti-Yuletide (GAY).
Blokey: Thank you, and goodbye.
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading.
-El and Blokey
El: My name’s El, and beside me is Blokey. There are lots of things we don’t like: the sun, chocolate, bunny rabbits, newborn babies…but being so up with the current affairs as we are, we have decided to turn our attentions to that most ghastly of man’s inventions…Christmas.
Blokey: That’s right. If we could, we would steal Christmas, much like the fictional Grinch. Only without the wussy change of heart at the end…and hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll share my view.
El: Of course there are merits to Christmas that you don’t think you could do without. Presents, pudding, Bond films, no school…but Christmas is ultimately crippling Britain. As Blokey said, Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher, and we’ll explain why.
Blokey: Here we have a graph conclusively proving that Christmas is bad for the economy:
*Blokey unveils a whiteboard, with a graph on it. The y axis starts at the origin with ‘BAD’ and ends at the top with ‘GOOD’. The x axis is all the months of the year. The line goes straight along from January to November in between good and bad, but in December it nosedives*
El: Conclusive proof. And now, on to the health issue. Firstly, mental wellbeing. It is the time of supposed cheer and goodwill, yet this tearjerking story should remind you how horrible Christmas is. Now despite my distaste for Christmas, my popularity still overwhelms my bar humbuggery and people insist on sending me cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera. So as I sat in my room, sorting the cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I saw Blokey on the other side of the room. Now Blokey isn’t like me. With his hunched back, unkempt stubble and general awkwardness, he has no friends…and as he watched me sorting my cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a tear in those beady little eyes.
Blokey: Wha..? Beady eyes? Unkempt…awkward? Who do…
El: Christmas is terribly damaging, cruel even, for lonely people such as Blokey. But do not feel sorry for the bundle of wasted flesh that stands beside me, ladies and gentleman…for Christmas is damaging to popular people such as myself.
Blokey: Yes, quite. At any other time of the year, charades is quite rightly frowned upon. So why is it that when a few cousins from America visit it suddenly becomes socially acceptable to gesticulate frantically whilst trying so hard not to grab the breadknife and stab your relatives that it seems your head will explode, reducing the paper hat you got in the cracker to mere ash?
El: Do we really want a special day when Aunt Gladys can come round, and we can spend the afternoon repeating everything 12 times into her ‘good’ ear, and replacing her ‘special’ bag? Surely Christmas brings more grief and misery than it does joy and merriment?
Blokey: What other time of the year would it be considered normal for an ageing man with a big red coat on to invite dozens of young children everyday to come and sit on his lap? When would it be appropriate to have a song with the only lyrics being “oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, Mr Blobby” as the best selling single in the whole of the nation?
El: And those are just social problems. What about truly life-threatening ones? Surely for Father Christmas and his nine reindeers (of which eight have already been proved to be bullies) to reach all the houses around the world in one night they would have to go faster than any known sources of energy can take them…
Blokey: And as we all know, 86% of all known unknown sources of energy are harmful to humans. The only option would be to slaughter the reindeers and melt their bones down for glue so that they’re not a total waste. Father Christmas would be locked up for crimes against humanity.
El: Those of you RSPCA-types who object to this need look no further than most fridge freezers at this moment in time. Millions of turkeys, geese and other perfectly adorable animals are being prepared for consumption all in the name of Christmas; so instead of arguing over trivial, join us in arguing for something just, and true – a world without Christmas.
Blokey: Where would we put Christmas? What would become of all the trees, and baubles? Well, we’ve thought of it. To kill two birds with one stone, we would position the whole of Christmas, and all things associated with it in the foothills of Baghdad. This would mean that during the UN Weapons Inspectors’ stay in Iraq, they would at least have somewhere full of shiny objects and calendars filled with chocolate.
El: So please, in this wild time of Countdown grand finals, Grandpa giving you 50p and a tangerine and being forced to act out ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, remember this. Join the world of sour-faced pessimists. Feel no highs, nor any lows. Do it for the Queen…and support the Group of Anti-Yuletide (GAY).
Blokey: Thank you, and goodbye.
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading.
-El and Blokey
Try reading the topic, maybe?
No, bad for both.
That should be bad for your health.
El Blokey wrote:
> Blokey: Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher – made for your health,
> and bad for the economy. Hello there.
:-)
> Blokey: Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher – made for your health,
> and bad for the economy. Hello there.
:-)
Blokey: Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher – made for your health, and bad for the economy. Hello there.
El: My name’s El, and beside me is Blokey. There are lots of things we don’t like: the sun, chocolate, bunny rabbits, newborn babies…but being so up with the current affairs as we are, we have decided to turn our attentions to that most ghastly of man’s inventions…Christmas.
Blokey: That’s right. If we could, we would steal Christmas, much like the fictional Grinch. Only without the wussy change of heart at the end…and hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll share my view.
El: Of course there are merits to Christmas that you don’t think you could do without. Presents, pudding, Bond films, no school…but Christmas is ultimately crippling Britain. As Blokey said, Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher, and we’ll explain why.
Blokey: Here we have a graph conclusively proving that Christmas is bad for the economy:
*Blokey unveils a whiteboard, with a graph on it. The y axis starts at the origin with ‘BAD’ and ends at the top with ‘GOOD’. The x axis is all the months of the year. The line goes straight along from January to November in between good and bad, but in December it nosedives*
El: Conclusive proof. And now, on to the health issue. Firstly, mental wellbeing. It is the time of supposed cheer and goodwill, yet this tearjerking story should remind you how horrible Christmas is. Now despite my distaste for Christmas, my popularity still overwhelms my bar humbuggery and people insist on sending me cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera. So as I sat in my room, sorting the cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I saw Blokey on the other side of the room. Now Blokey isn’t like me. With his hunched back, unkempt stubble and general awkwardness, he has no friends…and as he watched me sorting my cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a tear in those beady little eyes.
Blokey: Wha..? Beady eyes? Unkempt…awkward? Who do…
El: Christmas is terribly damaging, cruel even, for lonely people such as Blokey. But do not feel sorry for the bundle of wasted flesh that stands beside me, ladies and gentleman…for Christmas is damaging to popular people such as myself.
Blokey: Yes, quite. At any other time of the year, charades is quite rightly frowned upon. So why is it that when a few cousins from America visit it suddenly becomes socially acceptable to gesticulate frantically whilst trying so hard not to grab the breadknife and stab your relatives that it seems your head will explode, reducing the paper hat you got in the cracker to mere ash?
El: Do we really want a special day when Aunt Gladys can come round, and we can spend the afternoon repeating everything 12 times into her ‘good’ ear, and replacing her ‘special’ bag? Surely Christmas brings more grief and misery than it does joy and merriment?
Blokey: What other time of the year would it be considered normal for an ageing man with a big red coat on to invite dozens of young children everyday to come and sit on his lap? When would it be appropriate to have a song with the only lyrics being “oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, Mr Blobby” as the best selling single in the whole of the nation?
El: And those are just social problems. What about truly life-threatening ones? Surely for Father Christmas and his nine reindeers (of which eight have already been proved to be bullies) to reach all the houses around the world in one night they would have to go faster than any known sources of energy can take them…
Blokey: And as we all know, 86% of all known unknown sources of energy are harmful to humans. The only option would be to slaughter the reindeers and melt their bones down for glue so that they’re not a total waste. Father Christmas would be locked up for crimes against humanity.
El: Those of you RSPCA-types who object to this need look no further than most fridge freezers at this moment in time. Millions of turkeys, geese and other perfectly adorable animals are being prepared for consumption all in the name of Christmas; so instead of arguing over trivial, join us in arguing for something just, and true – a world without Christmas.
Blokey: Where would we put Christmas? What would become of all the trees, and baubles? Well, we’ve thought of it. To kill two birds with one stone, we would position the whole of Christmas, and all things associated with it in the foothills of Baghdad. This would mean that during the UN Weapons Inspectors’ stay in Iraq, they would at least have somewhere full of shiny objects and calendars filled with chocolate.
El: So please, in this wild time of Countdown grand finals, Grandpa giving you 50p and a tangerine and being forced to act out ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, remember this. Join the world of sour-faced pessimists. Feel no highs, nor any lows. Do it for the Queen…and support the Group of Anti-Yuletide (GAY).
Blokey: Thank you, and goodbye.
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading.
-El and Blokey
El: My name’s El, and beside me is Blokey. There are lots of things we don’t like: the sun, chocolate, bunny rabbits, newborn babies…but being so up with the current affairs as we are, we have decided to turn our attentions to that most ghastly of man’s inventions…Christmas.
Blokey: That’s right. If we could, we would steal Christmas, much like the fictional Grinch. Only without the wussy change of heart at the end…and hopefully, by the end of this post, you’ll share my view.
El: Of course there are merits to Christmas that you don’t think you could do without. Presents, pudding, Bond films, no school…but Christmas is ultimately crippling Britain. As Blokey said, Christmas is like Margaret Thatcher, and we’ll explain why.
Blokey: Here we have a graph conclusively proving that Christmas is bad for the economy:
*Blokey unveils a whiteboard, with a graph on it. The y axis starts at the origin with ‘BAD’ and ends at the top with ‘GOOD’. The x axis is all the months of the year. The line goes straight along from January to November in between good and bad, but in December it nosedives*
El: Conclusive proof. And now, on to the health issue. Firstly, mental wellbeing. It is the time of supposed cheer and goodwill, yet this tearjerking story should remind you how horrible Christmas is. Now despite my distaste for Christmas, my popularity still overwhelms my bar humbuggery and people insist on sending me cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera. So as I sat in my room, sorting the cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I saw Blokey on the other side of the room. Now Blokey isn’t like me. With his hunched back, unkempt stubble and general awkwardness, he has no friends…and as he watched me sorting my cards, chocolates, underwear et cetera out into neat tidy piles to burn, I’ll be damned if I didn’t see a tear in those beady little eyes.
Blokey: Wha..? Beady eyes? Unkempt…awkward? Who do…
El: Christmas is terribly damaging, cruel even, for lonely people such as Blokey. But do not feel sorry for the bundle of wasted flesh that stands beside me, ladies and gentleman…for Christmas is damaging to popular people such as myself.
Blokey: Yes, quite. At any other time of the year, charades is quite rightly frowned upon. So why is it that when a few cousins from America visit it suddenly becomes socially acceptable to gesticulate frantically whilst trying so hard not to grab the breadknife and stab your relatives that it seems your head will explode, reducing the paper hat you got in the cracker to mere ash?
El: Do we really want a special day when Aunt Gladys can come round, and we can spend the afternoon repeating everything 12 times into her ‘good’ ear, and replacing her ‘special’ bag? Surely Christmas brings more grief and misery than it does joy and merriment?
Blokey: What other time of the year would it be considered normal for an ageing man with a big red coat on to invite dozens of young children everyday to come and sit on his lap? When would it be appropriate to have a song with the only lyrics being “oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, oh Mr Blobby, Mr Blobby” as the best selling single in the whole of the nation?
El: And those are just social problems. What about truly life-threatening ones? Surely for Father Christmas and his nine reindeers (of which eight have already been proved to be bullies) to reach all the houses around the world in one night they would have to go faster than any known sources of energy can take them…
Blokey: And as we all know, 86% of all known unknown sources of energy are harmful to humans. The only option would be to slaughter the reindeers and melt their bones down for glue so that they’re not a total waste. Father Christmas would be locked up for crimes against humanity.
El: Those of you RSPCA-types who object to this need look no further than most fridge freezers at this moment in time. Millions of turkeys, geese and other perfectly adorable animals are being prepared for consumption all in the name of Christmas; so instead of arguing over trivial, join us in arguing for something just, and true – a world without Christmas.
Blokey: Where would we put Christmas? What would become of all the trees, and baubles? Well, we’ve thought of it. To kill two birds with one stone, we would position the whole of Christmas, and all things associated with it in the foothills of Baghdad. This would mean that during the UN Weapons Inspectors’ stay in Iraq, they would at least have somewhere full of shiny objects and calendars filled with chocolate.
El: So please, in this wild time of Countdown grand finals, Grandpa giving you 50p and a tangerine and being forced to act out ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, remember this. Join the world of sour-faced pessimists. Feel no highs, nor any lows. Do it for the Queen…and support the Group of Anti-Yuletide (GAY).
Blokey: Thank you, and goodbye.
---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading.
-El and Blokey